An Update from Baby Gay

I am happy to report this text convo between my favorite baby gay and I:

me: So did your girlfriend still get your name tattooed? I hope not :-) 

Baby Gay: No. She decided she wanted to "wait" .. :\ 6:43 PM

Me: haha- thank goodness! let me know if she wants to move in so we can talk exit strategy :-) 6:43 PM

Baby Gay: Lol. Okay

THANK THE GODDESS!!!

Party Planning: Celebrating your U-Hauled status

Sistren, there comes a time in many a queer lady's life when you will move in with your lady friend. This may come after 1 month, 6 months, or even 1 long, long year after meeting your soulmate. The Librarian and I will officially be in a one-household relationship at the end of the month. So naturally, we want to celebrate this exciting time with our friends. I would like to celebrate it by getting rid of all non-date sweaters, and this new hideous addition to the abode (pictured below), but sadly I don't think either of these things are going to happen, so we're having a party instead.

Zebra print with neon pink faux-alligator trim. So wrong.

.

While discussing our party plans with Indigo Labrys last night (after viewing the amazingly educational film, Step Up: Revolution), The Librarian had the brilliantly cheesy idea to choose our party menu based on food we've had at past events we've hosted together. This idea made my eyes light up in that special way that only happens with the potential for embarrassingly cheesy things. The Librarian is rarely cheesy, so her innocent idea was even more awesome! I think she regretted the suggestion, however, when I quickly added that we could make little signs for all the food! Such as "Thai Cashews: First served at our very first co-hosted dinner party back in 2010!" What could be better than documentation via tasty treats? Since I also document everything with my trusty camera, I could accompany all signage with photos of said event! It would be so amazing!

Indigo Labrys also had the idea to serve everything in pairs. So charming! Just want one cucumber sandwich? No way! This party is about unity, and that means 2 of everything for everyone, appetites be damned! Or, just make everything out of pears, for a clever play on words. Fun times!

As I had not previously considered any cheesy decor options, I feel I need to really pull it together before next weekend. These are the options I have thought of so far:

• Playing that "Two of Hearts" song from the 80s on repeat, and other sweet ditties
• Use my window crayons (an amazing score from our Christmas party white elephant exchange) to draw connecting hearts with our names in them!
• A cake with a U-Haul on it! (this was The Librarians idea- it will be amazing if we actually do it)
• Librarian and school teacher action figures as a centerpiece! Or maybe just books- we have a lot of those. We could use our many lesbian romance novels, to keep with the theme!!!
• Have a craft station where guests can make their own love letters. cards, or festive headbands and pins for their special someone, or future special someone! (Though nothing will top the cheese explosion of the video birthday card I made for The Librarian, thanks to the technical hand-holding support from our pal, the Computer Whiz)

I'm sure there are many more amazing decorating options out there. What do you think, Sistren?

Captive Hearts

Captive Hearts: How Your Girlfriend is like a Cat

 

As many of our readers know, there is very little that Not Allured and I love more than our lady friends and our cats. Recently, my lady friend and I had the opportunity to cat-sit for Not Allured and her girlfriend, the Librarian. We were charged with taking care of Not Allured’s stepcat, Cat-Megan. While the Librarian claims that Cat-Megan is a sweet creature of an angelic temperament, we saw no evidence to support her obviously spurious claims. 

Cat-Megan spent many hours stalking my lady-friend and me; when we ran upstairs to clean her litterbox, she would follow us up and sit on the landing, waiting to pounce upon our feet while hissing crazily. I attempted to dissuade her from this by waving a washcloth in her face, but she took it away and then attacked my feet with even more rage. In addition to pouncing whenever we came within three feet of her, she became increasingly distressed when we made eye contact with her. By the end of the first day, we were afraid to walk past her, and began avoiding any room she occupied. 

But my ladyfriend and I were determined to free ourselves from Cat-Megan’s reign of furry terror. We decided to take measures to launch a counterstrike. And it was during Operation Enduring Lesbian Freedom that I discovered something both beautiful and terrible: winning the affections (or at least, toleration) of a cat is not unlike finding a girlfriend. 

Here are some incontrovertible proofs (and ways to woo yourself a lady friend who will be your companion animal FOR LIFE):

(1)   It is easier to make friends with cats and ladies when both are feeling vulnerable. Cat-Megan, for example, was very distressed because both the Librarian and Not Allured were nowhere to be found, and she is a highly sociable kitty. After 24 -48 hours of no attention and no petting, Cat-Megan was feeling lost and forlorn and was thus ready for us to go in for the kill. This is not unlike when the object of your affections has gone through a rough break-up; now is the time to make your move, sistren! Do it while she’s emotionally vulnerable and scared that she’ll never get petted again.

(2)   Food is a useful albeit creepy way to achieve closeness. Cat-Megan ran from our touch whenever we attempted to pet her, but sought us out when she was hungry. As long as she was hungry, we could pet her for a good 30 seconds at a time before she realized she wasn’t getting fed and ran away. When we put down food for her, we could pet her for exactly as long as it took for her to wolf down her dinner. Likewise, ladies also like food – as you will remember, the Librarian purchased her first veggie cookbook when she began dating our sistren, Not Allured. I like to take this a step further, however, and plan really heavy foods for the first date; my lady friend is particularly susceptible to this, and will often succumb to a post-prandial nap, thus allowing me to sniff her hair and cut locks of it for my special memory box. If it’s a particularly heavy food, like a dozen potatoes, I can be assured of several hours of quality hair-smelling and face-stroking.

(3)   Be emotionally withholding. Cats hate it when you’re interested in them; when you run after them with your arms outstretched screaming “CUDDLES!” they freak the fuck out and hide under the bed. Women will pretty much do the same thing, except for that they won’t be anywhere near your bed. If you’re emotionally withholding, though, you can lure those sly pussies out from their hidey-holes and stroke them to your heart’s content. 

(4)   Much like your cat, girlfriends are also cutest and most loveable in the earliest stages of your relationship. Make sure to appreciate your girlfriend’s “kitten phase” while it lasts; help her use up that boundless kitten energy and play with her as much as she wants! Eventually, that kitten phase will end, and she will just want to sleep on your couch all the time.

(5)   Like a kitty, your girlfriend may want to prowl around at all hours of the night. Kitties are easily lured away from your warm, comfortable home by the promise of new sights and smells, like line-dancing and booze at the local gay bar. Make it clear to your kitty that chasing tail is strictly prohibited, and that you will lock her out of the house and take away all her nice wet food if she strays. Unless of course you are in an open relationship with your cat. 

(6)   Kitties go crazy for wet food. They find a dry meal incredibly unappetizing because, like your girlfriend, they are carnivores at heart. Open your cans early and often. 

So there you have it. Six ways that demonstrate how cats and lesbians are kindred spirits. Now go make her purr, ladies.

Just Say No to Name Tattoos

Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.

Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.

This was our conversation in a nutshell:

Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.

Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!



Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?

Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.

Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.

This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?

So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.

And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.

And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.