Ten Mindblowing Positions That Cosmo Left Out!

Ahem.

Happy end of summer, lesbian sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; I have been busy thinking about writing my dissertation (and also occasionally writing my dissertation). However, because I wish to maintain my friendship with Not Allured, and because I received an infusion of gayness this past week in the form of the North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I feel the spirit of all queer ladies everywhere moving within me. Giggity.

Perhaps you remember seeing this post on lesbian sex positions when it appeared on Cosmo's website about a month ago? If you remember it - and if you don't remember it, please go check it out if/when you need a good laugh - you will recall that it was fucking ridiculous and that these positions were particularly notable for their overuse of high heels (and nothing else!!1!) as well as using different names to refer to ... mmm, basically the same thing. (Position: Rub your clit somewhere. Titles: The Sexy Spider The Passionate Pole-dancer ... I'm not making these up, people!)

Anyway. Not Allured obviously IMMEDIATELY posted this to my wall. We were both disturbed by how femme all of the illustrations were (not all lesbians wear high heels all the time, yo) as well as by how unwieldy and unsatisfying some of the positions seemed. Not to be a buzzkill (and if this is your thing, get down with your bad self), but I don't see how Defying Gravity could be fun when all the blood is rushing to your head (and not to your nether regions). But I am very clumsy, so who knows?

Also also, we laughed hysterically at the claim that scissoring is the classic lesbian position. When everyone knows that processing is the classic lesbian position. Not.

So Not Allured and I came up with our own suggestions.

Here are TEN MIND-BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS (tested by ACTUAL LESBIANS or in my case by a queer lady)

1. "Locking the Cats Outside the Bedroom"

In this sexy, underused position, you'll want to grab your cats carefully and gently drop them outside the bedroom door. You and your partner will then want to begin making passionate love as loudly as possible to drown out their cries and the sound of them clawing at your bedroom door. It's not an easy position, but it'll turn your partner into a WILDCAT.







2. "Well-of-No-More-Loneliness"

In this position, you'll want to GET DIRTY while you GET CLEAN. Replace the two rubber ducks with fornicating human bodies (because I can't draw humans or ducks, really) and get it on while you're in the bathtub.










3. "The Hillary Clit-ton"

In this topical position, interrupt your partner's love-making to discuss Hillary Clinton's presidential run in 2016. Talk about what it really means to have a woman on top, and then put it into practice. Your partner will thank you 2016 times over.








4. "Desert Hearts"

For this position, keep your AC off to heat things up in the bedroom. She'll never desert your heart.












5. "The Fast-Pitch"

Quickie sex before an Indigo Girls concert. (You may or may not want to initiate by asking her to "multiply life by the power of two." Remember to check in with your partner and help her get closer to fine.)






6. "Hungry Thighs"

Dance like nobody's watching.
Dance like Baby and Penny in "Dirty Dancing."

Remember that God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.










7. "Sock It To Me"

While Cosmo's sex tips involve keeping your heels on at all times, this position is for queers with poor circulation.

Also, if you keep your socks on, you will SAVE THE DAY by not scratching your partner with your toenails or something.













8. "Curious Wine"

When you and your partner stare deep into each other's eyes without actually touching, as in "Curious Wine." (Then start touching, but make sure you are keeping your soulbond intact.)

9. "The Chakram"

You'll want to bring in some Xena-style acrobatics for this one. Because the Cosmo tips were so focused on grinding, for this position, you'll want to do backflips. And then start grinding. Because according to Cosmo, this is all lesbians do. (I swear to Amy Ray, at least half of them involved rubbing your clit on something.)

10. "Let It Burn"

Make like Usher and LET IT BURN. This is to say, burn your copy of Cosmo, and then do whatever the fuck you want with your partner!

That's Not My Name

... or, Words with (Lady)Friends.

I was out for a hike with Not Allured and our mutual ladyfriends the other week, and though we spent a good hour or two discussing Chris Pureka's many charms (call either of us, CP! We will never make you take the pictures down!), we eventually moved on to talking about sexytimes. (A pretty natural segue, I'm sure you agree, unless you are (a) crazy and (b) wrong all the time).

If you've been following our blog - and more importantly, following our advice - maybe you are ready to take things in this new direction - the direction of the boudoir.

I'm sure you know what to do when you get there, but do you know what to say? Queer ladies can be a communicative bunch, and it's important to note that processing, like cats, does not always belong in the bedroom.

To help a sistren out, here are some things you may not want to say:

(1) Someone else's name. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't always. Try especially to avoid the following names: your exes, your relatives, her exes, her relatives, or your cats.

(2) Things that are not relevant to getting in her pants. Avoid mentioning your plans to visit the Homo Depot tomorrow morning (unless you are going to make an erotic adventure out of it, as Not Allured has suggested previously), where you'd like to hang your new curtains (references to her curtains are obviously acceptable), or reminding her to take the chicken breasts out of the freezer (you can figure out the exception for yourselves here).

(3) Anything like this: "I can see myself falling in love with you" - you are (hopefully) riding a post-coital high, are probably (a) happy or (b) sleepy, and thus should refrain from making declarations of love until after you've come down (heh heh) a bit.

(4) Hand-balling. Or "Needs more Crisco." (See Sapphistry for further horrifying details).

(5) Any of the following: "Show me your catdance," "My twat is still vibrating," "let me run my tongue up deep into your hive," "tender and swallowing walls," "Just relax and it will burn real good," and "Relax, it was only E".

(6) "I want to make a baby with you" "I have a sperm donor on speed dial!"

(7) "Smile for the camera!"

(8) "My husband/boyfriend/partner will be back soon, but he's cool with it. He'd like to join too, if you're into it."

(9) "Hey, did you know you have a hair here? I hear electrolysis will take care of that."

(10) "Who's ______?"- when reading the name tattooed on their bicep

(11) "No  kitty! Bad kitty!"

(12) Anything from a lesbian romance novel or lesbian film. Or song. Or poem. Our sistren cannot be trusted for sweet nothing suggestions- and these should be personal anyway, so your ladyfriend knows it is she that you treasure, not trite phrases.

(13) "What do you mean it doesn't fit? It fit my ex-girlfriend just fine! She loved it!"

(14) "Um, what are the symptoms for ____? Cause I think I see one." (actually, if you see something, you should probably just stop what you're doing or only continue with extreme caution.)

(15) "Hey, from this angle you look kinda like my mom/sister/ex."

Further suggestions?