Dating a PhD Schooler: Survival Tips

Hello sistren! Sorry we have been so neglectful. Because PhD school keeps us both from blogging as much as we should, I thought I would procrastinate from my own PhD work this morning to bring you another blog post. And to keep it kind of on topic with the work I should be doing, we bring you a survival guide for dating a lady in PhD school. If you have your own tips, please leave them in the comments.

Ok, so congratulations, you've met a super smart/insane lady who's in PhD school! PhD school is awesome! But dating a lady who's in PhD school can create some unique challenges for a relationship (just ask The Librarian), and we are here to help! Follow our advice and you may be on your way to domestically merged bliss with your favorite nerd.

Tip 1: Don't take her study snacks
When writing PhD things, special juju is required. Writing pants (this is a real thing- one of my professors told us so), your desk and chair at just the right angle, and writing snacks. If your lady friend has designated something as a writing snack, don't try to eat them/ask her to share. It will end badly. Even one- asking for one is still too many.

Tip 2: If she picks a fight over something stupid, she's probably stressed
Or maybe this is just me? Several times, mostly at night, when my brain was trying to wind down, I would decide to pick a fight over something dumb like laundry. If your lady friend is doing this, ask her (at a time when she won't explode at you) if she's just stressed out from PhD school. The answer is probably yes- and if this pattern can be figured out by your PhD school lady, she can do something to alleviate this stress in more productive/ less annoying ways.

Tip 3: Expect to hear a lot of talk about things/people you don't care about
This one came directly from The Librarian (and I would like to maintain that she SHOULD care about my incessant prattling about my theoretical frameworks/ scholar crushes/ classmates/ professors). But seriously- like most people who have an all-consuming job/career/study something, your lady friend will probably talk about her school stuff ALL the time. All the time. So do your best to nod and ask interested questions, and expect a quiz later (what do you MEAN you don't know who Betty Brainy is? I told you about her yesterday when I was relating in painful detail all the people I met at the conference!!). You've been warned.

Tip 4: Don't get upset if she can't go to the Amy Ray concert with you
Your PhD lady will likely not be able to go to all the fun things you want to share with her because:
1) Grad students are poor. Really, really poor. This will especially come up if you ask her to do something at the end of the month/right before pay day. Or after she's gotten back from a conference and spent all her funds on traveling. Save the really nice things for early in the month when that stipend is fresh in her bank account! Plan to cook dinner instead of going out, and generally do things that are not going to cost a lot of money (and realize her "a lot" may be different from yours).
2) She is busy. Really, really busy. You may wonder how someone who only has a part time job (this is what she means when she refers to her assistantship) can be so busy. They key to remember is a PhD student is never, ever off work. We work all the time, and when we're not, we feel guilty about not working. It's a sickness. And while sometimes we should stop working (see the next tip), a lot of the time this is hard if not impossible. So if she refuses your invitation, but asks to hang out another time or seems genuinely regretful, she may really be saying she can't go- don't think she's not that into you (unless other signs point in this direction). It may also help to find out when is  her best work time (trust me, she'll know), and try not to ask to hang out during those times. I have been known to refuse to do something fun with The Librarian if it's in the morning, which is when I write best.

Tip 5: Get her to take a break now and then.
Now, while she will be working A LOT try to get her to take a break sometimes. But, be sure you ask her if 1) whatever she's working on is due tomorrow/in a few hours, 2) if she is on schedule with whatever she's working on. If the answers are no and yes, put a glass of wine in her hand, dangle her hiking shoes in front of her face, whatever floats your boat. She'll thank you later, and be more productive after a brain rest/ spending time with her special lady. And this may help her remember that it takes two to have a relationship/dating fun time and she should come out from her study cave and hang out with you.

Tip 6: Celebrate her successes and milestones together. 
PhD school is hard! It makes the successes along the way all the more meaningful. So did your lady friend get a publication, pass her comps, her proposal, finish her coursework, get a presentation in the big conference? That's a cause for celebration, in whatever way y'all like best. (The Librarian recommends keeping your bar stocked for cocktails- this works for Tip 5 too). While she will also want to celebrate these with her Phd School friends*, she'll want to celebrate them with you too, especially if you've followed the other tips and been an awesomely supportive lady friend during these times of trial. Besides, who doesn't love multiple celebrations? She may even thank you in her dissertation acknowledgement section, and hasn't everyone dreamed of that?

*Note: Sometimes she may want to celebrate just with her PhD school buddies, and this is OK. Remember, if you have read our other posts, you should still have other friends who you also hang out with without her. And while separation is hard, it can make the heart grow fonder!
From The Librarian: "Don't let them think I am a clingbot!" [She isn't sistren! She is really great at not being clingy and never caring when I go hang out with friends solo]. "This is a really intense experience, and she is going to bond with her classmates."

And there you have it folks, good luck navigating the PhD school journey from the Sig-O perspective. You may wish to find others in this situation so you can bond/ share war stories/ emote about how sick you are of hearing about school. Other friends are great!

Powers of Seduction: Film Edition

Sistren, we have often discussed the lovely ways of seducing your potential lady friend gleaned from our extensive research into lesbian romance novels. In lesbian romance novels, a surefire way to seal the deal with a potential love interest includes things as varied as: attending wine tastings, dancing sexy-like at a club, and stealing children together. (If we steal this child, it's like we're already a family, girl.)

But a few days ago Indigo Labrys (hello!) and I were watching an amazing Lifetime movie called "Sex and Mrs. X" and thought, hey, there are some great lessons in here our sistren should learn about! (Confession - I LOVE Lifetime movies. Indigo Labrys knows this and got me a compilation DVD for Sistren Solstice, like a true Bosom Friend. IL: But not in a gay way like Anne and Diana, who are totally gay for each other.)

Because it's almost February 14, we want to help our sistren find the perfect way to show your lady that you love her. If you have more ideas for us, let us know! We (or I at least, to The Librarian's chagrin) will probably try it out!

1. Touch her nose with your hand. This worked for the alien ladies in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same; it was the way they showed affection. I tried it on The Librarian in the car the next day (she had not seen the movie), and she was taken aback, batted my arm away, and claimed I was cutting off her flow of oxygen. I think that she was just overcome with emotion. 
   
2. Spit beer into her mouth. Indigo Labrys and some pals watched Robin's Hood and learned this sexy trick. Apparently feeding each other like you are a boozy mommy bird and an equally boozy baby bird will induce amorous feelings. I haven't tried it with The Librarian as she values hygiene. Sadly, you cannot see them doing this in the trailer, but you can see that poor bottle of beer BEFORE it is subjected to this terrifying intimacy. 
3. Pretend you are her "daddy" and she is your child. In the most horrifying film OF ALL TIME Mango Kiss, the main couple has a stagnant dating life. Mostly because they don't actually both want to be together. Then, they see a father and daughter building a sandcastle on the beach, and suddenly, one of them realizes exactly what she wants out of her romantic relationship ... for another woman to pretend to be her pirate daddy. Please go to about 1:15 to hear the horrifying declaration, "You will always be my daddy," and its response, "I will always be your captain." Just saying, this movie makes (1) BDSM (2) being poly (3) being a lesbian (4) wearing neat hats seem distinctly unfun and also pretty creepy. I am sad that this was at one point apparently voted Best Women's Feature at the NCGLFF.
4. Make a murder pact. In Breaking the Girls, the crazy-er chick sexily promises to kill someone for her new lady friend. The other was really going to double cross her in the end, but whatever, SO ROMANTIC! If we kill someone together, that means we're really in love, right? NO. IT MEANS YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL TOGETHER.
   
5. When tasting wine at a restaurant, dip your fingers into your glass and rub them on your lady's mouth. Hot right? That's what we learned from Sex and Mrs. X. According to the madam/etiquette teacher, it will drive your man wild! She's French, so she would know, and we assume it will work for ladies too. After we watched this scene, Indigo Labrys dipped her fingers in her water glass and rubbed it on her own mouth. She found this to be drippy and unsatisfying. But if you do it with wine and rub someone else's mouth, I'm sure it will work!
6. Clip each other's fingernails ... erotically! I personally CANNOT BELIEVE my sistren forgot to list her most favorite filmic seduction of all - Go Fish. Who among us has not wanted to personally trim the nails of a prospective lover? And then keep the nail clippings along with locks of her hair? I surely cannot be alone in this. Anyway, Not Allured hates this, but who knows, your woman might just be into it... after all, the first cut IS the deepest. Giggity.

What sexy tips have you learned from movies? Have they worked?

**This post was inspired in part by Anna Pulley's hilarious commentary on trying Cosmo's craziest sex tips. Go read it if you haven't already!**

Don't Speak Now

Last week, we brought you a horrifying tale about heterosexual marriage. Today we have a differently terrible tale: while that unfortunate, beautiful heterosexual woman is laboring away, only 120 sandwiches away from a proposal, two queer teenagers have beaten her to the punch.

A little backstory: this past weekend was Pride. Not Allured, Amandapanda, and I were watching the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus sing a few Broadway standards, including “Seize the Day” from Newsies and “Seasons of Love” from Rent. As the chorus peppily taught us how to measure, measure a year – in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in cups of coffee?? – we noticed a group of teenagers on our left holding hands and swaying to the music.  Their hippie love-in continued to grow in size; it was unclear if they were trapping random passers-by or if, alternately, they were all gathering there for some dark purpose.

After the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus finished their rendition of “Seasons of Love,” the MC appeared to tell us that we were about to witness a FIRST for NC Pride. My sistren and I were intrigued. We had already experienced a crushing disappointment when we discovered that Bold Strokes Books and D. Jackson Leigh were mysteriously absent from this year’s Pride festivities, and that consequently, our readerly souls would be neither barebacked nor touched gently by lesbians and telekinetic horses. Maybe this promised event would help us deal with the loss of cheesy lesbian romance novels, and we could start the healing process …

Instead, our hopes were crushed, not unlike the time I saw Real-Life Amy Ray at the Pinhook and she failed to recognize our soulbond. This, however, was far worse. We watched in horror as the hippie love-in moved forward, a writhing mass of rainbows and hormones, and unfolded in a straight line in front of the stage. A perky teenager bounced up on the stage, took the mike, and proceeded to PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO HER GIRLFRIEND.

Amandapanda, Not Allured, and I turned to each other with expressions of unspeakable horror. As the proposal continued – “can’t imagine living without you” – “you’re the love of my life” – we struggled to make sense of the brave new world in which we suddenly found ourselves. What kind of crazy place was this? How long had they been dating? Weren’t they in high school? This was almost just like that time Not Allured’s former student contacted her to inquire about the wisdom of getting her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her body, BUT CRAZIER.

So we have some concerns we’d like to address here. Baby queers: we know that love is a many splendor’d battlefield that lifts you up, YOU ARE ONLY IN HIGH SCHOOL (or like, early college. Maybe). There are still hundreds (or dozens) of people you haven’t had sex with (or held hands with) yet. You are also young and stupid. Your prefrontal cortex has not finished developing, which is why you do things like listen to One Direction and take endless selfies in the bathroom and go skinny-dipping in shark-infested waters. You are still learning how to have feelings and not be terrible human beings; you are still learning how to drive, speak a foreign language, sneak out of your bedroom without getting caught, and drink responsibly. You are still learning about yourself. You cannot possibly know whether you are ready to take on the incredible burden of loving someone else FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

Please listen to your sistren, who are older and wiser and have read many romance novels about high school romances that never fade that nevertheless seem like absolutely terrible relationships for sane people to be in. 

As Taylor Swift says, while Not Allured and I are not the kind of girls who should be rudely barging in on a white-veil occasion, you, my sweet sweet baby gays, are NOT the kind of girls who should be marrying anyone at all - because you're only sixteen, guys. 

300... Cats? Or why sistren-hood is so much better than straight-hood

Sistren, have you seen the news blowing up the interwebs, about a poor straight sistren trying to get her loser boyfriend to put a ring on it via sandwich? If not, check out this article, and prepare to be horrified. Basically, the loser boyfriend made some flippant douchey comment about her being 300 sandwiches away from a marriage proposal, and she took this as a challenge. There are so many things wrong with this, but we trust that our sistren can figure this out for themselves. As probably can most humans beyond the age of, oh, let's say 5, who have some basic understanding that relationships should be built on love and trust and not insane, asshole-ish requests.

One of Not Allured's school pals suggested we blog about it, and unlike a challenge of making 300 sandwiches to which we would never acquiesce, we decided we were up for this one.

A big take away from this article is this: if there were any better reason to embrace your sistren-ness/ abandon the drudgery of heteronormative marriage pressures, we have yet to see one. What could be more ridiculous/insulting/less relevant to a successful long-term relationship than having to make 300 sandwiches, especially when some are deemed only to count as a quarter of a sandwich? Or others are dismissed because they contain things the recipient had neglected to mention were on their forbidden foods list? While it is of course nice to take your special friend's likes and dislikes into consideration, there is a big difference between being considerate and being a doormat. So come one come all, ladies of marriageable age, we embrace you whether or not you a) want to get married, or b) can make us a sandwich.

But wait, you may be saying, what if I WANT to woo my special queer lady friend/boi with something, but they don't like sandwiches? What is a queer lady to do in this time of crisis? Especially one who wants to have an anti-wedding/ queer love celebration before aging out of my sperm donor pregnancy/ co-adoption/ peak pet parenting years?

Well fear not, sistren, as always we are hear to help you! Let us suggest alternate projects to woo your soul mate. Try one of these, and let us know how it goes!

1. 300 cats. It is a scientifically-proven fact that there is little queer ladies love more than cats! Show her you care by adopting 300 kittens! Though you may need to go to multiple shelters to get this many/ buy a bigger country home to house them all, it will be worth it!
   
   
   
   2. 300 flavors of kombucha. It's healthy, it's delicious, you can make it together, and it says crunchy granola love!
   
   
   
   3. 300 flannel shirts. Let's kick it old school and go with a classic lesbian fashion item! Even better, make it 600 so you and your special lady can match!!
   
   
   
   4. 300 pairs of outdoor sandals that can be worn on any occasion! I personally am a fan of Chacos and Keens, but I know some of my sistren love their Birks and Tevas.
   
   
   
   
   5. 300 serenades (preferably with a guitar or banjo, but a boombox "Say Anything" style will do) to the queer lady singer/songwriter of your choice. If you are new to sistren-hood and don't know who that means, may I suggest the classic Indigo Girls. There's also Brandi Carlisle, Tegan and Sara for a more pop-ish sound, or our personal favorite, Chris Pureka. (SWOON! I'd totally say yes to you Chris! What is your favorite sandwich??)
   
   
   
   Do you have suggestions for what 300 things would get your lady to the Domestic Partner alter? Let us know in the comments!

Rejected

Sistren, I should be writing an article tonight, but instead I thought our dear 4 readers needed another post instead! We're just a flurry of posting these days! This is actually a joint posting by Indigo Labrys and I, so like our post on mixed vs. clear signals, you can have fun trying to guess whose embarrassing situation was whose!

Anyway friends, this post is about rejection. Specifically, (and personally!), some of the ways we have been rejected by others in our pursuit of U-haul bliss. If we can move on from these sad moments and keep dating, then so can you! (Indigo Labrys: This is to say - rejections happen, even to stone-cold foxes like Not Allured and me. So do not be discouraged, sistren, but go out and rub your flannel-coated bodies all over other consenting persons of your choosing.)

Without further ado, here are our tales of woe:

• You're out dancing with your buddies and a lady you're interested in. Your friends are encouraging you that she is into you! But when you lean in for a hug at the end of the night, she takes a giant step backwards and gives you a wave. Burn!
• You answer a cute-sounding Craigslist ad and go on 2 dates with a cute lady. You're hoping to hang out again, but she doesn't answer your emails. Then, you see a very similar ad stating how she's looking for someone athletic looking, or something else that clearly excludes you. Guess you're never going to hear from her again.
• You're in "group therapy" and when "group therapy" ends you ask one of the women in the group to be friends because you are awkward and apparently only know how to make friends like a first-grader. She (justifiably) rejects you because you have kind of massively crossed the boundaries of "group therapy." You are a sad weirdo.
• You're out with a classmate and you are intoxicated. You try to sexily rub her calf with your foot. She moves. 
• You're on a date with a woman you thought you'd been casually seeing when she brings her ex-girlfriend and they proceed to process their relationship in front of you. You eat garlic fries, but nothing can fill the emptiness in your heart.
• You're seeing a woman who makes your age an issue by insisting that she feels like a cradle-robber. You find out that her ex-girlfriend is a mere year older than you. 

If we can continue to pursue dates after these experiences, then you can too, sistren.

Academic Analogies for Dating (Academics still suck at dating)

Sistren friends, Indigo Labrys and I are on another "work" date (i.e., gossiping and pretending to do work) and are still concerned about our single academic buddies who are struggling in their search for their one true love. Thus, we felt another post on dating was necessary. All good academics like to have several studies backing up a claim in their literature review, so we're here to help you.

We are not claiming to be super smooth with ladies (we have a lot of bad/awkward dating stories between the two of us), but we feel our bad experiences can help you get a date/ get laid. To our dear friends- you know who you are- please try to follow our advice. We just want the best for you/ are tired of hearing you whine. That may be more me, Indigo Labrys is much nicer than me and would never accuse her friends of whining.

So, we thought we would continue to try to speak in academic language so that the advice is heard by the intended audience. Below, please find some analogies we think will help you on your dating escapades. A warning: this post is long, but as a grad student you are used to reading long articles, so we have faith in your abilities to finish this post.

Have a clear thesis
Friends, just as you need a clear thesis in any paper you write, you need to be clear when stating your intentions. We  have written about this before, so feel free to consult our prior post on giving clear signals. So to restate our thesis, we suggest that when you want to go on a date with someone/ hang out with them because you think in the future maybe you'll be interested in dating once you get to know them better/ you think you may want to invite them to your bedroom, you should be clear with your intentions.

Clear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to go out on a date with you/ I'd like to go on a date with you in my bedroom.
• (The key words in the above are on a date- the person will be flattered! Directness is sexy!)

Unclear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to get together to work on our respective academic projects together. (When you really want this to be a romantic study date that leads to a study of each others' bodies)
• I'd like to hang out, but totally just as friends. (When actually, you want to sleep with them. And not as friends)
• Do you want to get coffee/ get lunch/ have you acknowledged Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? (Unless any of these are your sole intentions in social interactions, don't use them as pickup lines.)

Remember to always be consistent. Do all of your actions support your thesis? Did you just see the lady of your dreams but were too nervous to talk to her and now she thinks you hate her? It's ok- send her a message. Do you need to revise your original thesis? Did you think you just wanted a date, but now want a date in the bedroom? Inform him/her/hir of your change of heart/loins. Are you not that into her after a date? Thank her for coming out, wish her the best, and don't invite her out again. That is polite and clear without being rude. 

Peer Review

Sometimes you want to consult your friends about your new or potential new love interest. This is totally fine, and most friends (especially us- bring to us your dating stories friends!) will love to rehash every thing that happened on your date. They will also be happy to ponder with you about if your interest may be interested in you too. However, like academic peer review, you have to pick and choose which pieces of advice will work for you. You can do it- you're smart and capable! So if one friends says OMG you should ask her to the Chris Pureka concert, and another says no you should take her somewhere more intimate, just follow your instincts. You're the one that knows her best. (Indigo Labrys: If the question is Chris Pureka, the answer is always "Fuck yes.")

Choose your conferences wisely

In academia land, it can be overwhelming to choose which conferences to go to in your field. You have to think about location, who will be there, what people you can schmooze with for potential jobs upon graduation, which has parties with open bar, etc. The same is true for dating. If you're single, choose social situations with people you truly like doing activities you love. For example, don't just show up to a stitch and bitch session because you heard hot ladies were there if you hate knitting or yarn. Go to the things you like, find a crowd of people who you have things in common with and want to hang out with. If you stay with this crowd consistently,  you just may find your future leading lady. And just like at conferences, while the star academic may not give you the time of day, there will be others there who are awesome. And they can introduce you to other people, which at a conference can lead to writing buddies/jobs, and in your love life can lead to potential life mates. 

Blind Submission (No, not that kind of submission- unless that's what you're into.)

When submitting your work for publication or presentation, you often don't know who will be reviewing it. Because of this, you make sure that your points are clear, any jargon specific to your niche sub-field occupied by 3 other scholars is explained, your grammar is correct, and your citations are flawless. This attitude is what you need if one of your pals sets you up on a blind date/ you have an internet date. Be your best self- don't wear a non-date sweater, don't try to impress your date with jargon (it just makes you seem desperate), and don't go too crazy on the alcohol. Be cool, and just like at a conference, don't stress so much over your presentation that you can't enjoy listening/watching others' presentations. Don't let your nerves distract you from the (hopefully) awesome person in front of you.

Don't over think it

You know when your adviser is telling you to turn in a draft of something, and instead of doing it right away you start analyzing every word until you make yourself crazy? Would "cognitive" or "epistemological dissonance" describe your point more accurately? Will your adviser even read this paper at all? 

Dating can be like that too. While we are huge fans of close reading, and advocate using those skills to analyze texts/emails/conversations, you have to know when enough is enough. Is there a special person you find attractive? Do you think they may like you/ not be repulsed if you ask them out? Yes? Go for it! Because while a relationship is never simple, asking someone out should be.

You should also not over think your first date. Go with the expectation that you'll have a fun evening, nothing more. Don't expect to order the u-haul. As one of my wise friends once said when I was having a moment of over thinking after a date, all you should be asking yourself after a first date is do you want to see this person again? If so, great, do it! If not, great, don't do it! 

Theory to Practice

There are times in an academic life when a theoretical framework is necessary. Sometimes you may be expected to state your theoretical framework up front. But other times it's important to be open minded to theories you haven't considered before. Think of dating in the more exploratory realm. Just as you shouldn't disregard someone's work just because they don't use exactly the same scholarship as you, you shouldn't rule out a potential date who doesn't have all the same interests as you. So don't have too many preconceived notions of how your future wifey should be. Expecting them to be kind, loyal, fun to be with, great, all normal expectations. Expecting them to love the same board games as you and to have 3 kittens who will love you immediately, however, is just not going to work.

And for the goddess' sake, you have to actually be willing to put your theory into practice. Meaning, you have to actually DO something. Think of it as embodied practice, if you will. Just like that conference proposal won't write itself and that job won't fall into your lap without talking or writing to someone, so will your lady friend not come to you without putting in at least some minimal effort. As much as you try, you will never be Shane. So go talk to you lady and ask her out.

Your life is more than your dissertation

It is easy for us academics to hole up in our writing caves of choice and only appear on occasion to predict the coming of spring/ buy more highlighters/ bathe on occasion. If you are similarly committed to finding a dating partner, you  may be similarly single-minded. Sadly, this will not help in your quest! (Not that I know from personal experience, or anything.) Ladies can smell desperation, and will run in the opposite direction if the sense it in you. To prevent yourself from getting to that points remember your other friends and interests. Just as you have work out/ happy hour/ craft times scheduled with your school pals to keep each other sane during academic crunch time, it's important to do this while hunting for your lady prey. 

You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Gosh Darn It, People Like You

At some point in your academic career, you have to trust that your work speaks for itself. You don't need constant affirmation from your adviser(s)/ school pals/ random people at parties you force to listen to your elevator speech. You're awesome. Ladies will think you're awesome too. Don't worry about proving yourself- your actions will do it for you.

Friends, we wish you luck in love. If you have any other analogies/ questions/ comments, please feel free to let us know. There are few things I love more than blogging about queer ladies when I should be writing/ working one of my gazillion jobs to pay the bills/ crying over my bank balance. 

Buck Up or Shut Up (Or, Why Academics Suck at Getting Laid)

Greetings, my sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; fear not, my feelings remain as plentiful and prone to over-sharing as ever!

Today, the Librarian’s Lesbian Lover and I got together this morning to work on our respective academic projects; however, we soon realized that my work, at least, needed to be put on hold in order to give some timely advice to our friends.

Two of our fair sistren are experiencing relationship woes and have (wisely or not) asked Not Allured and I for advice. (I’m just being modest. You should definitely ask us for advice. You should ALSO expect us to blog about it.)

Anyway. So here are their respective quandaries in a nutshell (forgive me; patriarchy is everywhere, sistren): how do we ask someone out? Their situations are very different; one, “Xena,” is single and ready to mingle but doesn’t know other available lesbians; the other, “Not Gay Clara,” has her eye on a new man-friend, but is worried about ruining a potential friendship by asking him out.

To both of these women, we say: WOMAN UP, SISTREN, AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS. (And then you can put your mouth everywhere! Eheheh.)

When Not Allured and I communicated this to our sistren, one of them began bemoaning the difficulty of relationships. Which is a perfectly acceptable thing to have feels about. (Come here and let me validate you.) However, we would like to make one thing VERY CLEAR: good relationships of any kind are not simple and easy.

But why not, Indigo Labrys? So many wonderful things are simple and easy! And this is true, my sistren!

Here is a list of things that should be simple and easy:

• A good recipe for chocolate-chip cookies
• Making jokes about your mom
• Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
• Buttering your toast
• Petting your cat(s) (but be prepared for the bite!)
• Wearing cat shirts
• Getting a labrys tattoo
• Tasting the rainbow
• Boiling water
• Recognizing how hot Chris Pureka is (MARRY US CHRIS. We have healthy ideas about what a good relationship looks like, and we suspect you may need some help in this area, because FUCK, "Burning Bridges" is a sad song, yo)
• Making fun of the GOP
• Righteous anger at anti-abortion legislation
• Walking your dog
• Brushing your teeth
• Singing along to “Closer to Fine” in the car with your sistren

And this is just the beginning. However, do you know what will never appear on this list?
RELATIONSHIPS.

It’s sad! I know that I, like many of my sistren, have dreamed of the day when I would lock eyes with another lady while playing pool at the local lesbian bar and then I would check out her boobs and notice that her shirt was covered in cat hair and then I’d raise my eyes to hers again and see them filled with (a) her soul and (b) my soul and (c) tears of joy. And without speaking a single word, we’d walk across the room to each other and join hands – and hearts! And then we’d have an anti-wedding because we think marriage is inherently oppressive and creepy (a topic for another day, sistren) and raise a family of cats together, and spend our spare time making muffins, and bad jokes, and sweet sweet love but also frolicking in fields with woodland creatures and, like, unicorns.

And we would play the Indigo Girls all the time and we would never be sad.

But even though this vision of a relationship is as shining and beautiful as Taylor Swift’s hair, it cannot actually exist in the real world (possibly also like my girl Taylor’s hair).

Because interacting with another human being – whether it is your BFFL, your mother, your lesbian lover, your fuck-buddy, your archnemesis, or your cat – is inherently complicated. You are engaging with an embodied consciousness that is entirely different from your own, and expecting that to be either simple or easy is both cray-cray and kinda boring. You are dealing with another human being and because that human being is not you, you’re going to have some issues. While we are not advocates of relationships that are constantly difficult (I could never forge a soulbond with an Ayn Rand fan, for example), Not Allured and I firmly believe that a good relationship should be challenging.

And it will be challenging from the beginning because this is how it goes, sistren. Sometimes you need to ask that hot slice from the gym out, and that’s going to involve a certain amount of risk and uncertainty and maybe it will be difficult BUT HEY, maybe you’ll also get laid.

Lesbian Love Language Quiz!

A special treat before the New Year arrives- the Lesbian Love Language Quiz! Because what better way to ring in the New Year than with some good old fashioned lesbian processing?? I know I can't think of a better way!

So sistren, do you want to find out what your lesbian love language is? Do you want to know how to communicate with your partner/soulmate on a deeper level? This quiz will help you and your lady love improve your u-hauling/ domestic partnership/ civil union/ same-sex marriage in certain states/ fun time relationship.

INSTRUCTIONS:
The quiz consists of 30 pairs of statements. Choose the statement that would make you feel the love tonight the most and record the letter (A, B, C, D, or E). At the end, you'll tally the number of choices for each letter to find your primary love language. While it may be difficult to choose between two statements, it is essential that you choose only one to ensure your results are completely accurate. Take your time, and enjoy!

1.  a) I feel good when my lady love takes me to see the kittens at Petco... A
     b) I love my woman's piercing blue eyes and dark hair, (or at least they look like this if I squint) . . . E

2.  a) I like to have a home cooked meal with my sweetheart. . . . B
     b) I feel loved when my honey goes with me to a women's basketball came . . . D

3.  a) Phone banking with my love makes me happy . . . C
     b) I enjoy lazy mornings drinking mimosas with my boo . . . B

4.  a) I feel loved when my cupcake and I are looking at a beautiful view, atop a mountain we just hiked.      (Note- in this case, it is an actual, physical mountain, not a metaphorical mountain of love) . . . D
     b) I like it when my sweetums rescues me from danger . . . E

5.  a) I feel loved when my favorite recites a poem she wrote for me . . . E
     b) I know my soul twin loves me when she joins me in a women's march . . . C

6.  a) I like going to gatherings of sistren with my bestest, particularly when there's tasty homemade vegan gluten-free cruelty-free cuisine . . . B
    b) I like to face the forces of evil with my muffin . . . E

7.  a) I value my sugar's commitment to social justice . . . C
     b) I love when my gal takes care of my animals . . . A

8.  a) I like to think about how my cookie and I are destined for each other . . . E
     b) My wifey tells me my kittens are adorable, and I like that . . . A

9.  a) Eating scones with my beloved makes me happy . . . B
     b) My precious wears buttons on her shirt to express her beliefs, and I like that . . C

10. a) I feel loved when my ducky plays hide and seek with my cat . . . A
      b) When my buttercup challenges me to a kayaking race, I know she cares . . . D

11. a) No matter the menu, I love sharing a meal with my sweet pea . . . B
      b) Flattering comments towards my pets make me feel good . . . A

12. a) Being active with my special sistren means more to me than the things she says . . . D
      b) I love to go on long walks through the countryside with my sugarcane . . . E

13. a) When my special friend nuzzles me and sits in my lap, it makes me happy . . . A
      b) It means a lot to me that my darling knows which causes matter most to me . . . C

14. a) Just sitting at the breakfast table with my honey bun makes me feel good . . . B
      b) I love it when my jewel lets me sit in front of her on her valiant steed, or shotgun in her sports car . . . E

15. a) My lamb's reactions to my kitty's antics are so encouraging . . . A
      b) It means so much to me when my (future) baby momma cheers for my favorite sports team, even if it rivals hers . . . D

16. a) I never get tired of lying in my true love's arms . . . E
      b) I love that my true love shows an interest in my dietary needs . . . B

17. a) I can always count on my baby doll to drive me to softball practice and cheer for me from the stands . . . D
      b) Nothing makes me more excited than to lobby congress with my pumpkin . . . C

18. a) I love for ma petite chou to tell me how cute my animals are . . . A
      b) I love that my dearest respects my preference for organic tofu . . . B

19. a) I can't help but tell my gem how much she means to me every time I see her . . .E
      b) My lover runs drills with me, and I appreciate that . . . D

20. a) My shortstop is my MVP for life . . . D
      b) I'm amazed at how concerned my beauty is for social good . . . C

21. a) I love that my princess only has eyes for me, even in a crowd of dining sistren . . . B
      b) I love that the light of my life helps me set up for the big game . . . D

22. a) I look forward to working the voting booths with my precious love . . . C
      b) I never get tired of looking lovingly at my kitties with the object of my affection . . . A

23. a) My dumpling lets me know she loves me by donating to my favorite charity for my birthday . . . C
      b) My baby shows her love for me by getting tickets to the playoffs . . . D

24. a) My cherub sometimes surprises me with breakfast in bed, and it makes me happy . . . B
      b) My everything always considers her carbon footprint and environmental impact . . . C

25. a) My cuddle bug shows she cares by drawing us a bath after our soccer tourney . . . D
      b) I never tire of fighting for causes we believe in with my prize . . . C

26. a) I love listening to my dream girl's witty banter/ wittily bantering to my dream girl . . . E
      b) I love when my hottie asks me to go volunteer with her . . . C

27. a) My main girl's purring makes me smile . . . A
      b) I love enjoying a drink with my sugar plum . . . B

28. a) I couldn't ask for better protest signs than the ones my sweet potato makes . . . C
      b) I being cosmically connected to my soul bond . . . E

29. a) It means a lot to me when my hero helps me with my paddling technique (on the water!) . . . D
      b) It makes me feel great when my snookums brings home kibble for my little ones . . . A

30. a) I love re-declaring my undying love for my corazon when we've been separated for a long time, like a few hours . . . E
      b) I love seeing my love goddess talking to my kittens about their day . . . A

TALLY:
A_______ B_______ C_______ D_______ E_______

KEY: (for detailed descriptions of the love languages, see this previous post)
A = cats
B = brunch
C = activism
D = sports
E = Xena and Gabrielle fantasies

INTERPRETING AND USING YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your main love language is the one with the highest number. If the totals for two languages are equal, you are bilingual. If the second highest number doesn't fall far from the first, it is your secondary language. The highest score possible is 12.

Now, make sure your lady friend takes the quiz too so you can process your results together! What do you  need to feel loved? What does your lady friend need? Now you know! Just think of the fun you'll have discussing how to better meet each others' needs!

If you take the quiz, share your results in the comments!

Happy Holiday-ing!

Greetings Sistren! Soon, I will be embarking on a journey to holiday with my lady friend and my out-of-laws. I'm sure I will come back with many exciting tips for you all about joining someone else's holiday traditions, but before I jet off for warmer climates I wanted to remind you of our previous tips, whether you'll be celebrating the holiday with or without your lady friend. My own game plan is to bring my amazing Christmas sweater and homemade holiday headbands so I can bring my charming personal traditions to the out-of-laws home. I'm sure they'll love it!

If you'll be vacationing with your out-of-laws, or bringing your lady friend to your family's celebration, check out this previous post:
Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?

If you find yourself without your lady friend and feel unable to bear the sadness, check out these posts:
How do I live without you? I want to know.

Separated for the holidays? A coping guide.

If you have the luck of going out on a date with a hot new lady this holiday season, be sure to check out first date tips first:
Keeping you a secret: What not to spill on your first date.

And make sure you don't send her mixed signals. The last thing a lady wants to spend her holiday doing is over-analyzing your crazy communication:

Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do


I can see clearly now the rain is gone

As always, we wish you dear handful of readers a jolly ({}) holiday. In the new year we'll have our Lesbian Love Languages quiz! Stay tuned.

Lesbian Love Languages

Sistren, recently The Librarian and I were gifted an amazing gift from our friends: The 5 Love Languages. What a score! It's filled with hyper-heteronormative relationship descriptions and a hideously sexist quiz. Taking the quiz tells you if your love language is physical touch, quality time, acts of service (the non-naughty kind), words of affirmation, or receiving gifts. Naturally, we loved it, and took the quizzes from both the dude and lady perspectives. My love languages are physical touch and quality time, in case you were wondering. Yet while we found it highly informative, and I'm super excited to continue filling The Librarian's "Love Tank" (direct quote!), I found it lacked content for us sistren. Thus, I give you my own version: The Lesbian Love Languages.

 1. Cats
Some ladies show their love, or want others to show love to them, via cat. If this is your love language, you probably want your partner to talk about how lovable and cute your furry friends are, to admire their playfulness and wit, talk at length about their emotional states, etc. You may meow while flirting, act cold and aloof when hurt, and feel threatened when others encroach on your territory. You want your lady to cuddle with you and curl up in your lap to show affection. You want nothing more than for her to make you purr.
**Note: Dogs are an acceptable substitute**

2. Brunch
Some ladies show their affection through food, preferably in potluck form with friends. If this is your language, you want your partner to make you something special, like those vegan gluten free muffins you like, and make sure to save one before the other ladies devour them all. Your ideal partner would love basking in the glory of your sistren at a group brunch, but would only have eyes for you. She'd sit next to you, and you'd even drink from the same cup, because you obviously share everything. When you're not potlucking, you love for your woman to bring you breakfast in bed. You may even like cooking for her too- heating it up in the kitchen is your idea of a great time.

3. Activism
There's nothing Sistren love more than social justice! If activism is the way to your heart, you long for your love interest to show her interest by joining you at the phone bank, on the picket lines, or at the march. To win your heart, a girl has to notice the buttons on your backpack and start handing out leaflets accordingly. No dinner and a movie dates for you: you'd rather go door to door with your lady, canvassing for your favorite local candidate; serve food at the local soup kitchen; take a romantic stroll at the dyke march, hand in hand; or email your sistren friends to join your cause. When a lady starts campaigning for your heart, she has her work cut out for her, but all that hard work will pay off if she stays true to the cause.

4. Sports
We all know lesbos love sports. Be it women's basketball, soccer, softball, hiking, kayaking, what have you, we love a good game or outdoor activity. And not always for the exercise- I didn't watch the Olympic soccer games because I understood the rules, if you know what I mean. (Call me ladies!) But anyway, I digress.
If you're fluent in sports, you want your lady to join a softball team/ hiking group / kayaking class with you. Or at the very least, get you courtside tickets to see your favorite team. No fouls here- the right lady for you will combat roll with you just to show she cares. You'll only show her your inside game after she shows she proves she's got the skills to play on your team.

 5. Xena and Gabrielle Fantasies
You know who you are- pretending you're Gabrielle and your lady love is Xena, or vice versa. This love language manifests in many ways: wanting your honey to watch super cheesy lesbian films with you, reading romance novels aloud (which are mostly Xena ubers anyway, lets face it), going to Xena conventions, etc. To win your heart, your lady has to first figure out which character you imagine yourself to be and act accordingly. She would woo you by standing loyally by your side and regaling you with her witty banter, or alternatively by defending you against evil foes and being your constant protector. She'll write you a poem or sing you a ballad, but whichever your preference, she'll declare you her soulmate for life as you ride off into the sunset together (on the same horse, naturally).

But how do you know which love language you speak? Stay tuned for our quiz and you can find out.

Think we left out any lesbian love languages? Let us know!

Step Back, Pussy Cat

Sistren, I love a metaphor, and when metaphors combine with cats, you've got a win-win situation!

**Side note: I do NOT love metaphors that are mind-numbingly heavy handed, such as in the movie I recently watched with Indigo Labrys. I don't want to call anyone out, so let's just say the title starts with "A" and ends with "Perfect Ending." But I digress.

Anyhoo, inspired by Indigo Labrys' astounding previous post, I realized that there are more comparisons to be made between felines and the fairer sex.

Take, for example, The Librarian's cat, Cat-Megan, compared to another lady after your woman.

Her pretty face has fooled many a guest into thinking they could touch her, only to be viciously swatted or hissed at when they attempted to do so. Just like when a lady is trying to pry her way into your lady's pants. She may seem all sweetness and light, but don't let that exterior fool you!

Cat-Megan will feign affection for me sometimes, usually when The Librarian is out of town or she's hungry.  Any hussy after your lady friend will do the same. Pretend to be your friend, laugh at your jokes, etc., all so that you let your guard down. Your lady friend is hanging out with her new coworker without you? You're happy she's got a new gal pal who's so awesome! Just beware if she's trying to butter you up with sweetness/ rubs against your legs a lot while purring.

Once you are out of the way, these pussy cats are quick to jump in bed and take your place. The second I'm up in the morning, Cat-Megan curls up with The Librarian. She either starts shooting daggers at me, or looks at me smugly while my lady friend pets and coos about how pretty she is. When I come back from a trip, Cat-Megan gives me a look as if to say "Oh, you're back? I thought she finally got rid of you." Fat chance, kitty! To assert your dominance over such a kitty, you could do as they do and rub your face over everything, or snuggle up to your lady every time the cat jumps in her lap. The same will work with aggressive lady lovers- just rub your face all over your girlfriend's body/ belongings in her presence and she'll get the hint. 

Now, while you and everyone else know the cat/ the new lady pal is pure evil, your life companion remains oblivious and insists they are a sweet precious angel/ their BFF for life who is just misunderstood by the rest of the planet. And annoyingly, just as your girlfriend's cat physically gets in between you when you're cuddling, and causes an emotional ripple in your blissful we're-so-merged-we agree-on-everything state, this new queer lady pal always seems to manage to sit in between the two of you at the lesbian bar/ gay lady potluck/ softball tourney. She's trying to sink her claws into your lady's heart, just as Cat-Megan sinks her claws into your ankle when she attacks you on the stairs. 

While the situation may seem desperate, fear not, sistren. We are here to help after all, not just whine about our problems! 

Like Indigo Labrys has suggested, food is an excellent way to distract a cat, and also a lady intruder. While cooking tasty treats for a hussy may backfire as she may then never leave your home, throw some tasty ladies across her path instead! When you're all out at a lady bar, keep giving her a friendly nudge on the dance floor. Hopefully, she'll get distracted and forget about your lady friend. It's just like when Cat-Megan lovingly clamps her jaws around her favorite toy- a hussy won't want to let all those pretty ladies get away without taking a bite.

While constant vigilance can be necessary to keep the hussies and pussy cats away, I have confidence that our dear readers will be able to stop interlopers from infringing on your blissful love nest.

Lesbians, please stop embarrassing us!

Internet sistren, y'all are all kinds of crazy! And now I have clear evidence!

In case one of the two of you readers don't know this, the Librarian and I met online, on OK Cupid (or OKC for us frequent users). Yesterday I logged on to try to figure out how I could prevent lesbian-seeking dudes from trolling my profile. While I didn't manage that task, I found something else that made the effort to log on totally worth it: OK Cupid success stories! If you have an account, scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link, and prepare to be entertained!

But as well as being entertained, I was highly embarrassed by my sistren who submitted their stories. For the most part, it was filled with the insanity that is usually reserved for episodes of Lip Service (has anyone watched that? I made it through the first season and hated them all, so bad!) or a lesbian romance novel (check back soon for Indigo Labrys' post inspired by one of our recent reads!)

Because I can't begin to replicate the insanity that I saw on OKC, I'm just gonna go ahead and quote directly. Commentary is unnecessary, but I'm also gonna go ahead and comment, 'cause I have a lot of feelings. Mostly of rage and disappointment.

Many of the relationships included in the success stories started as long distance, some of them quite a long long distance, and resulting in u-hauling after a few days or months of dating. INSANE! Have fun with that when you realize you don't really know this person or anything about their living habits. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I suspect bitterness and resentment sets in.

Clearly, the OKC ladies need Indigo Labrys' and my advice! We are here to tell you what not to do when starting a relationship, and when creating your own relationship narrative. Do you want people to raise their eyebrows and avoid eye contact when you tell them your "how we met" story? I didn't think so.

Bad Example 1: Texts are not romantic

"Leaving that night, I knew that I loved her. 4 days later (15 days) after we met, Crazy Pants* told me that she loved me through a sequence of 3 text messages. Romantic? Yes because we did not know when we would be together again but we were both overwhelmed and overflowing."

* Name has been changed to reflect my feelings

Call me old fashioned, but saying I love you for the first time over a "sequence of 3 text messages" is not romantic, it's childish. Are we to assume the texts read "I" "Love" and "You?" Please. At least say it over the phone! Part of the cheesy awesomeness of your lady love saying those three words is hearing her voice actually SAY them.

Also- she said I love you 15 days after they met!!!! What in the world? Granted, I'm against revealing too much too soon (read previous post on Inappropriate Girl), but in what world is 15 days appropriate for love declarations? Ridiculous. Also, later in the story they say that they dated for 4 months, "tragedy struck" and they were apart for 2, but now they're totally on track and so in love and everything is super awesome now. Sure it is, kids, sure it is.

Bad Example 2: Don't put all your eggs in one basket

"I am so grateful for OkCupid! It gave me the love of my life, my wife, my baby's mother, my soul mate, my lover and friend, my everything and all. I met that one in a million that you only dream of sharing your life with." 

Wow, this lady has a lot of feelings. Please refer to our past posts that have mentioned other friends. These people are important to have in your life- putting all of your emotional needs into only one person can only lead to disaster!

Bad Example 3: Young lesbos, keep it classy

"‎The fact we're both still really young doesn't seem to have phased us, I don't think, plus the sex is completely brilliant and she causes me to have mind blowing orgasms every night. Oh yes, no lesbian bed death in this relationship." 

Ladies, when you're older and wiser and not 19 anymore, you may be embarrassed that you talked about your sex life so publicly. Remember our mantra, secret feelings should be secret. Also, drawing attention to your youth and how you totally know your honey is your soul mate even if you've only known each other a short time will only give people permission to mock you after your romance goes south.

Bad Example 4: Know your destination before you plan the road trip

‎"We would move in together in March of 09, me still thinking (in Feb 09) we were to be roommates when I finally just blurted out, "E, what are we exactly?"

I have so many feelings about this one! Now, as many lesbians know, it can at times be hard to tell if it's just coffee or if it's a date, so much so that that phrase is a joke and the title of a lesbian dating book. But knowing whether you're girlfriends, or just friends, or friends with benefits that could lead to more commitment, or friends who occasionally flirt or hook up when single should definitely be a requirement before deciding to move in together. You'd think this would be obvious to everyone, but apparently at least 2  lesbians are struggling with this basic concept. With their great communication skills, I predict only sunshine and roses in their future!

Bad Example 5 and 6: If you're going to submit a story, at least learn how to write a proper sentence/ something that doesn't sound like Twilight fanfic.

‎"We met on February 6th 2009 we were supposed to meet the Friday before Valentine's Day but my friend Totally-Unnecessary-to-the-Story* was going to Austin for the weekend and asked if I would like to tag along."

As I used to teach my students, only include things that support your thesis. Do we need to know about TUthS and her trip to Austin? Did something happen there relevant to your new relationship? I didn't think so.

 "Without realization, I appeared at her front step with my stomach in my throat. A 5'3" beautiful girl approached my sight and my palms started loosening the grip it had clenched to the phone I had tightly squeezed in my hand. Trying to distract myself from staring, I dropped eye contact and started to become very silent. The anticipation I had built up towards her was tumbling in my stomach, making my hands become very shaky, too shaky for me to hide. I finally built up the confidence to grab her and pull her soft lips into mine."

So many things are bad in this paragraph, but I'll just point out one. Now baby gay, I can see that you're trying to make this sound all cool and romantic. But "pull her soft lips into mine" is just not a sexy image. Are you tugging them with your hand? Are your lips gigantic suctions cups? Are they magnets? Are you those sad people on that Virgin Diaries show who look like they're eating each others' faces? Try again.

If you MUST share your love story with the interwebs, please consider these guidelines:

• Wait until your relationship actually counts as long term. Just a hint, 4 months is not long term. Especially if you live in totally different places/ have only seen each other a few times/ only say I love you over text messages.
• Don't talk about your sexy times. No one wants to hear that. Do you want your mother/boss/thesis advisor accidentally finding it? I hope not.
• Please, please refrain from using the terms "soul mate" or "love of my life." I beg you! Just don't.
• Don't use this posting as an attempt to justify your relationship. If it's real, you don't need validation via a public posting or "OMG I love her SO MUCH!!!!! My babykins is the most perfect woman ever in the world for me!!!!" It just makes it obvious that you're trying too hard.
• And please don't be a stereotype. I mean, clearly most of the lesbians who submitted stories are not mature adults, but baby lesbos, consult one of your elders before declaring your 2-month story of love to the universe.
• Do share the cute story about how you met/ got engayged, etc., but leave out all the fluff/ attempts at being artsy. No one cares about that stuff, they just wanna hear about you. As one who is guilty of being a sucker for these types of things, I speak from experience.

The Librarian and I are considering submitting a success story for the sole purpose of counteracting some of the insanity. Here's what I'm thinking so far:

"Despite her bad choice in wearing a non-date sweater to our first meeting, we went on a second date and I realized OMG SHE IS TOTALLY MY SOUL MATE FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!"

Just kidding.