We're having a baby!

Greetings sistren! It's been... a long time so I have no idea if this blog will be read but I thought it was time for an update. Things have been busy for The Librarian and I since we last spoke! In 2016, I graduated with my PhD, got a TT job (woot!), then The Librarian found a job in the same town, and after a lot of stress and decision making we were able to move to the Midwest. Now we live in a small college town where I am still bewildered by things like having to go to work when it snows (seriously- WTH?) and Midwestern food norms where "seasoning" means either "salt," "sugar," "ranch," or simply "deep friend." I thought the South liked sweets and fried food but now I know the real fans of those are in Middle America. 

In other news- The Librarian and I are having a baby in May. I'm pregnant! For those who don't know me/somehow stumble on this blog, this is not something I ever thought I would say. I've never had romantic feelings about pregnancy or been one of those women who dreamed of having babies. I always thought I'd adopt, so it took a lot of thinking about it and conversations to make this decision. But I'm happy with our decision and looking forward to parenting! I will post later about the things I and the librarian are looking forward to doing in the future with Fennel (our in-utero nickname) but for now, I'll share the pros and cons of being pregnant. Starting with the pros, as that's the shortest list. Pregnancy is terrible and I don't know how the human race has survived since this is the way we reproduce. But at least when things are gross I haven't suffered any disillusionment as I was expecting it! Hooray?

20 weeks! Yes, we have a rainbow fence!

Pros of Pregnancy

1. Maternity pants. Sistren, as someone who's always had a belly, maternity pants are the greatest invention of all time. I may never give them up. 
2. No litter box! As a pregnancy precaution, I don't have to change the litter box! Woot! We have 2 cats, one with kidney issues who pees all the time, so this is a great perk! 
3. Pregnancy brain excuses. "Sorry I didn't do the thing, pregnancy" is a great, and valid excuse! Works every time!
4. Thicker hair. My hair is on the thin side normally, and now with my hair thicker due to the hormones I finally have the lesbian hair I've always wanted! It stays spiked up now! It's so mid-2000s and I am living for it!
5. Second trimester delusion. Now that I'm in my second trimester, I've been feeling pretty good. I can eat! I have energy and can do things like my job! Writing! Hiking! And we got to see the baby on the ultrasound this week, which was SO FUN! They were moving their arms and legs around all over the place, so now when I feel them tickling me inside my body (which is the most bizarre sensation) I have a visual of what the heck is going on in there. This is making me think oh maybe I COULD do this again though first trimester I swore this was one and done. This is how your brain tricks you! Damn you, evolution!

Cons of Pregnancy

Pregnancy is so hard, y'all. If there was an incubator like in the Matrix where I could put the baby until it was ready to be it's own person, I would! Here are some of the worst things for me about being pregnant. If anyone needs to vent about how much growing a tiny human sucks, I am here for you! I am even keeping a tally of some of the shitty things so when Fennel is a teenager and being ornery I can whip it out to show them. Then they can yell "I never asked to be born!" It'll be great!

1. Everything about first trimester. First trimester is TERRIBLE. The Librarian and I have watched a lot of the great TV show "I didn't know I was Pregnant" and those much be the luckiest pregnant people alive because seriously how did they not know? It's also hard because you feel miserable, but are probably trying to keep the news semi-secret as you want to make sure everything's going OK. So then you feel like shit but don't want to tell people why you're cranky and being anti-social. I'll detail more below, but first trimester is so bad it needs it's own entry.
2. Fatigue. First trimester is exhausting! Many days it was all I could do to get through teaching my classes, and then I would crash. Falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 pm was pretty common. Luckily I don't have a 9-5 job or I don't know how I would've coped. Women in that situation, I salute you!
3. Trying to eat taking over your life, combined with terrible nausea and vomiting. I LOVE food. Eating has never been something that was hard for me- overeating yes, but not the simple intake of food. First trimester I lost nearly 10 pounds from not being able to eat (which is normal- who knew?). There were many days of laying on the couch, trying desperately to eat something by taking teeny, tiny bites and sometimes still not being able to hold anything down. One morning I was able to eat a few cheese cubes The Librarian got from Aldi, and it probably took 5 minutes to nibble one cube. Then she just picked one up and put it in her mouth like it was nothing and I was furious! I couldn't eat any flavors- The Librarian nicely made me a carrot soup (for a few weeks blended veggie soups were one of the only things I could eat) but forgot about the flavor thing before she put in the tiniest bit of rosemary. Came right back up. And when food doesn't stay down, or just waking up in the morning makes you puke (yeah, that's a thing), it was the most violent puking I'd ever experienced. All the progesterone just wreaks havoc on your body and wretching would sometimes give me a sore throat. I had less food cravings and more aversions, and then certain foods would be palatable for a few days before tasting terrible again. Some of the things I could eat over those first few months were carrots, apples, bread, and cheetos. So strange. All those pregnancy advice columns about eating greens mocked me. It was even more annoying as I'm a vegetarian, and I couldn't eat anything green. Fennel was definitely feeling like the parasite they are, little punk. 
4. Digestion is a struggle. Along with eating issues, digestion is so hard while pregnant. Once you can eat food, and it stays down, digesting it is hard. I can feel my food travel all through my digestive tract, which is gross. There's a lot of burping, hiccuping, and the worst gas you've ever experienced. Now that Fennel takes up more space, my stomach is pushed up and I have to eat smaller portions. If I overdo it, I can feel my food still in my chest, because it is!! How is this allowed? I am kind of jealous of those women who gain a lot of weight when pregnant because I don't know how they can eat enough food to do so. Though who knows, maybe I'll be able to do that in a few months, pregnancy is wild.
5. Facial hair. Y'all, the vitamins and all the hormones mean I could have a goatee if I want, or maybe an early-2000s soul patch. Not my personal style choice, so this side effect is just annoying.
6. Sore boobs and hips. Your body starts to do all kind of weirdness to prepare for the baby, and it's painful. Sleeping bras are a thing. These days, I'm spending about 30 minutes in the morning with a heating pad on my hip. I do have a u-shaped pregnancy pillow a friend lent me which is amazing and helps a lot, but things are still achy. 
7. Acne. I don't know what this "glowing" thing is some people claim, I just have acne. Hooray. With the extra facial hair it's such a joy!

So anyway- that's our news and some of my lists! I hope to keep posting about the pregnancy if I have time. I'm thinking a post on what we're excited about, all the books we've already got for the baby, and a shout out to The Librarian who is seriously the best partner I could ever ask for through all of this. Also, Indigo Labrys is obviously going to be the Earth Mother. We even had a photo shoot when I saw her in November. By photo shoot, I mean we took selfies, but it counts.

Gettin' Hitched: The big day!

Sistren, I know everyone says this, but our wedding was perfect. We were in a beautiful place that we had basically to ourselves, were with people we love, had weather that cooperated and did not blow away our fascinators, and it was gorgeous and wonderful. After a near six-year relationship marriage doesn't change our day-to-day lives that much, but it made us really happy to get married and affirm our commitment to each other and our relationship. So without further ado, I wanted to share with our two readers some moments from the day.

First, did I mention how gorgeous the setting was? We went to a short mountain trail that's beautiful but doesn't require a long hike to get there, as the Old Marrieds had the OoOM (Offspring of Old Marrieds) in tow. It's a very popular spot, and we managed to get the timing just right. Sunrise was happening as we drove up, so by the time we got to the parking area all the sunrise seekers were hiking down and driving away. We managed to have the ceremony in the window between sunrise viewers and morning hikers. Only a few people walked by during the ceremony, and they all saw what was happening and kept walking by quietly. Thanks random strangers, we appreciate you!

Here we are (me in turquoise, The Librarian in yellow) looking out before the ceremony. Our fascinators didn't blow away despite the wind- I'll be sure to add that to my Etsy review! Something to think about for any other mountain-top wedding preparations. And yes we are both wearing grey Columbia fleeces...don't judge.

Not Pastor Skip did a great job with our ceremony. He started by mentioning the space and the hike as part of the ceremony- in the picture above we have arrived at the boardwalk which led to our rocky outcrop of choice. Notice Indigo Labrys's amazing best-homo cat rainbow backpack! But anyway- the ceremony was short and sweet and included a mention of the non-date sweater and other funny pieces of our relationship.

The ceremony also included the "words of affirmation" from each of the Old Marrieds and our Best Homo. It was really special to hear them in this place, and they were lovely and thoughtful. I think they all put more time into their words than we did with our vows- thank y'all! We loved it. The picture above shows us in our post-ceremony bliss! Notice those amazing wedding T-shirts! I am stoked to be able to wear mine again and tell people I got married in it, just to see their reactions!

After the ceremony we put our fleeces back on and had a wedding toast. It was a little chilly on the mountain! Though I wore shorts so that my rainbow laces and wedding hiking socks would show. I decided not to wear long johns with the shorts, cause then I really would have looked like my father, which is not a wedding look I wanted to go for. Anyway, The Librarian's flask had Caol Ila whiskey and mine had Krupnikas and the wedding entourage had their choice between the two. For this moment we used flasks from a local distillery (that makes the Krupnikas- so good y'all) and used a wedding present REI gift card to get some camping shot glasses. So worth it. The shots helped warm us up and were a great way to celebrate! OoOM had apple juice, though he was really eyeing the whiskey.

Next we hiked up to a higher vista and it got sunnier and even more beautiful as we went. Check out that stunning fall scenery!

We paused many times for photos- like this soft-focus one of The Librarian's ring against this pretty red bark. 

I thought my wedding day was appropriate for jazz hands and posing on rocky parts of the trail. 

After we hiked back down, it was necessary to get a picture of the wedding party in our matching hiking socks. These were the ones that were the closest to our wedding colors and came in sizes big enough for Old Married 1, and we love them!

The wedding festivities ended with an amazing lunch at a brewery near our mountain trail. The perfect end to a perfect day, and we were done by 2! We parted ways from our wedding entourage and drove through the mountains to our honeymoon location. We even stopped for a short hike to a waterfall on the way. 

 Again, we loved our wedding day! If any of you are gettin' hitched, I hope you love yours as much as we loved ours.

Happy mother's day, to all the lady-loving cat mommies out there! We salute you!

Love,
Not Allured and Indigo Labrys

Reminiscing....

We have been busy PhD-studenting lately and haven't updated in awhile, but we hope this amazingness will tide you over. You're welcome.

To See or Not To See (Lesbian Movies)

Sistren, for the second year in a row the two of us have volunteered at our local Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. We love this volunteer gig for many reasons, such as:

• we get movie passes to go see queer films!!
• we get to people-watch all the queers!
• to go with the above, we make our own bingo! (which IL has won the past 3 times- cheater) (IL: I am not a cheater. I'm just way better at bingo than you are, i.e. highly observant and lucky. Also, you were thwarted by "mullets" and "merging" - as are we all on occasion, my friend). 
• we get to judge both the people AND the movies!
• we get to process all our feelings every time we watch a movie!
• we get to hang out a bunch!
• as ticket-takers, we get to say fun things like, "My entrance is most popular!" as Not Allured naively claimed last year. This year, however, she has had some ... stiff competition, if you will. 
• we get to educate other volunteers (in addition to the whole world, obviously) on the power of sistrenhood. For example, this year a misguided volunteer asked Not Allured and me how long w'd been dating, presumably since we were volunteering together. We quickly corrected her and, I would like to think, demonstrated that sistrenhood is mighty. Look, other queer ladies! you can have friends you just have fun with! Life isn't like The L Word!
• this may just be me, Indigo Labrys, but I also enjoy having the opportunity to nag other humans and have it legitimized by my official volunteer t-shirt. "No, ma'am, you *cannot* enter this theatre - you have tickets for an entirely different movie." "Excuse me, sir, but Cinema Two is *that* way." "Pardon me, miss, but I think your head may be stuck up your ass (you fucking pretentious hipster)." AHHH. FEELINGS.

Gayness, judging things, processing, hanging out? It's our dream come true!

Because we have seen 8 movies (including 2 compilations of shorts) over the past week, we thought we'd share some very short reviews with you. Cause have you noticed how no one wants to say gay  movies are bad? Haven't we gotten to the point where we don't have to pretend they're all great? We think so, anyway. To rate them, we will be giving them 0, 1, 2, or more ({})'s.

Who's Afraid of Vagina Woolf? (feature length film) 

Smart, funny, makes fun of hipsters, Guinevere Turner impersonating Elizabeth Taylor, vagina costume, features a cat vest, is also a really interesting movie about making queer movies. Also Guin Turner as Elizabeth Taylor is maybe my new favorite thing ever.  It needed to be said again. (Maybe Not Allured will forgive her for Go Fish now?) (Not a chance.) (It's ok; since she was involved with the script for Breaking the Girls, she's back on my shit-list.)

We give this all the ({})'s! Loved it! Go see it right now! Will be buying on DVD! And looking for that vagina costume to wear in the bedroom for Halloween this year.

Reaching for the Moon. (feature length film) 

We'd like to suggest this alternate title: "Reaching for a Plot."

NA: Obviously, this had a huge, huge budget as the costumes and sets were beautiful. It even had good actresses. But someone never matured from the elementary school way of using metaphors. And it seemed like it went on forever. And, all of the characters were completely insufferable. For a movie about a poet, it had a complete lack of verbal artistry. No ({})'s for this one. Do yourself a favor and skip it. Not Allured tried to process it with The Librarian (who did not see the film), who told her to go talk to Indigo Labrys about it and get over it already. (We are still processing our feelings about this film, mainly of rage, anger, and disappointment).

IL: I need to write up separate feelings for this because, as they say in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (a favorite from last year), I have BIG FEELINGS. My biggest gripe is that this was a movie about a poet and yet it fails to really engage Bishop's poetry. Imagine all the interesting things they could have done with her work. Did you do it? Good. Now throw all of them out the window like they're a zebra-patterned ottoman with hot pink trim. Instead we receive lots of shots of her wandering around some trees muttering to herself. And the film is framed by "One Art." Argh. Additionally, as my sistren Not Allured notes, the film seems to be really worried that a movie about Elizabeth Bishop might be just too hard for people to understand. So instead, each plot point is hammered home with heavy-handed symbolism. Did someone just die? ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. A SYMBOLIC TOY BOAT SINKS BENEATH THE WATER. Why not just put a raven in there and make it croak "Nevermore"? Also, they use my least favorite thing ever: storm outside = storm inside (their hearts). Think of The Notebook. When they are all "I wrote you 365 days!" "I didn't get any of your letters!" "I'm so mad, girl, I just want you to sex you up in this storm." Actually, this movie had a lot in common with The Notebook.

I Am Divine (feature length documentary) 

NA: Touching, funny, raunchy, and a tear-jerker all wrapped in a fabulous package. Two bedazzled ({})  ({})'s up!

IL: Yeah, this was good. I didn't know anything about Divine, although I have seen Hairspray at the encouragement of another sistren.

Chastity Bites  (feature length film)

Not Allured: I (and The Librarian, who actually came to see this one too) thought this was silly and fun and enjoyed it. Elizabeth Bathory teaching an abstinence-only sex ed program so she can pray on young virgins? Loved it! My favorite scene was the principal's death scene. True the main girl could have been gayer for a gay film festival, and her boyfriend looked super gay, but I am willing to overlook these elements for some mindless fun. I give it one ({}).

IL: So I didn't enjoy this at. all. I'm not really sure why, but I think it is probably along these lines: I get that the movie is trying to spoof the pathologization of non-normative sexualities in different texts - how the vampire becomes associated with non-normative bodies and desires (so, both the trope of the lesbian vampire in literature and film, i.e., Carmilla, but also how the historical record about Bathory herself might be colored by the threat she posed to social norms at the time). So the film does an ok job of spoofing this - there's a lot of campiness surrounding both Liz Batho's lesbianism / vampirism (she is an equal-opportunity seductress / murderer of young girls, MILFs, and cat-ladies) and the fact that the heterosexual teenage protagonists are the only ones capable of eradicating that threat. I'm just not sure that the movie goes beyond merely spoofing these things to any sort of sustained criticism? (NA: It didn't, but I didn't care. I watched this with the same mindset I watch shows on ABC Family- expecting no criticism at all, just mindless entertainment). 

Also, I didn't think it was very funny. Because I am a humorless feminist. (NA: True. I think IL's English dissertating is preventing her from enjoying things for their own sake.)

Breaking the Girls  (feature length film)
IL: I don't even know how to begin to describe how batshit insane this film is. We had received mixed reviews prior to seeing its insanity for ourselves; one group of friends thought it was totally deranged, and another group of volunteers strongly recommended it. Needless to say, we chose our friends well, because they were absolutely correct about this film. It was crazysauce, and I don't know that I can say much about it besides the following: this movie is about making bad decisions. Seeing this movie is one of these bad decisions.

On the other hand, Madeline Zima (who was in The Nanny; don't lie, you know you watched it) makes the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Her crazy eyes are amazing. I feel like she knows the film is insane and maybe it doesn't make sense to her either but she commits to the crazy 100%. She is ON BOARD that crazy train.

Rating: It doesn't get any ({}) because that's way too good for this film. Instead, it gets ONE crazy-face :-O.

NA: I only  have to add, "stop trying to make all the plot twists happen. They're never gonna happen."

Ok I actually have more feelings. So like, Nina, had sex with her step dad? Her half-sister's dad? Or something? Messed up. Also, like duh, he wouldn't remember he had a step kid named Janine, and maybe that's the same person as Nina? And a daughter named Sarah? WTF? This movie made NONE OF THE SENSE in its quest to be plot twisty. Also, it was basically like that 1 pool scene from Wild Things that everyone has seen, Swim Fan, and like Single White Female, with more gayness. And insanity. 

Heterosexual Jill (feature length film)
NA: Enjoyable, funny, maybe tried to make some commentary about everyone being obsessed with what 'box' (no pun intended) their sexuality fits in but never quite getting there. But it did make us want to see "Butch Jamie," for which this is a sequel, but you didn't need to see it to like this movie. One non-heterosexual ({})

IL: Yeah, NA already had to listen to me rant a little bit about this yesterday. (I have so many feelings all the time, sistren.) It's mostly pretty funny; I mean, one of the protagonists is a CAT ACTOR. Repeat: she is a cat. actor. So that wins.

In order to understand why I am a little peeved at this movie, here's a basic outline of the plot: Jill really wants to be straight. She's attending a support group focused on reclaiming her heterosexuality. (This is predictably gross and rightfully mocked.) Jill and Jamie used to date. Jill decides that to prove she's a Real Heterosexual (TM) she and Jamie need to date again. They do. Meanwhile, back on the farm, Butch Jamie just accidentally saw her first dick and is having fantasies about making it with dudes. She starts attending a support group based on reclaiming her lesbianism (which Jill later also ends up at, surprise surprise). I am irritated because I feel like the film creates a false equivalency between these support groups; they're both mocked equally and in ways that seem to suggest they are equally hypocritical and intolerant. (I don't think the film wants to do this, but it does IMO.) Likewise, it suggests that Jill's internalized homophobia is just like Butch Jamie's refusal to admit she's having fantasies about the peen. And these are not the same!
(NA: This is really where IL's studies in English literature raise their ugly head and make her soul even sadder than mine on watching bad lesbian films. Since I have but a piddly BA in English literature, my pain is not so great.)

However, there is a song about how lesbians will save the ozone layer and create world peace and stuff.

The Mermaids (longish short? not quite feature length?)
Super cute nerd, super cute jocks, German, costumes, adorkable-ness, social awkwardness. Would definitely watch again! Two aquatic ({}) ({})

Quiet (short)

Bleh, emotionally manipulative, no character development. Counting on a gay audience relating to the tragic circumstances and feeling sad about the possibility of it happening to them. Tell us something we don't know. Negative ({})s. 

Tsuyako (short)

A love story between two Japanese women in 1950s Japan. Beautiful, heartbreaking, good characters, real. Amazingly well done for a student film. Make more, we will watch them all! 2 ({}) ({})'s. 

Natives (short)

Despite the shaky camera work and the fact that we hid underneath our shawls with embarrassment for most of the film, we liked it. Two lesbians, one Native American, go to visit the Native American woman's parents. White girlfriend proceeds to say every wrong, stereotypical, romanticized thing she's read in books (or her Intro to World Religions class). It is very anxiety-inducing to watch, but real, as dumb white girls like this say stupid shit all the time. Way to catch that in a film, NYU students. Get one of those rolly cart things for your camera next time. ({})

Do you have a cat? (short)

Cats, dogs, allergies, bad dates, Amber Benson. Cute and funny, despite the shots of gross male chest hair. ({}) 

Beside Her (longish short)

NA: Only one thing needs to be said about this terrible film- during a 1 minute sex-scene, there were FIVE shots of them holding hands. And yes, I counted.

IL: Let us also not forget how the entire point of the sex scene was basically to FORESHADOW the death of one of the lovers at the end. (Her hands clutch the sheets while they make the sex! Cut to her hands clutching the grass as she lays dying! Look, now her face is sweating while they make love! Cut to a shot of her sweating again ... only this time she's bloody and dying and stuff.) The only good thing about this movie was seeing "Erika Flores" during the credits and thinking that Colleen from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, might be in a lesbian short film. But alas, I was wrong. Negative ({}).

NA: Also, the moral for this film seems to be don't go jogging in dumb ass places, like on remote cliffs.

Click (longish short)
Was supposed to be funny but was so not. Why were some of the ladies in the theater laughing? What were they watching? Also, the characters did not follow some of our #1 advice - don't say you like something just to get a date. At the end, some friends are trying to set up another on an online date with someone who says they like spanking. To try to get their friend motivated, they bring over some light bondage toys and start paddling each other over the kitchen table. No, just no. This is not how these things work- of course you're not going to like it if you do this out of the blue! You gotta work up to that stuff! Come on!

Also, there's this really disturbing part where the protagonist addresses the ass she will be practicing her spanking skillzors on: "Hello, cheeks, my name is Sara, and I'll be paddling you shortly." Or something like that. Very unsexy. Not a good idea for things to do with your gal-pals (or at least not your platonic gal-pals).

Zero ({})

Queen of my Dreams (short)
We loved loved it! Cute ladies, cute idea,  but it was sadly way too short! For that we'll give it ({}) ({ in the hopes that she makes a longer version.

IL: This short was basically my life. Like, everything the narrator said WAS MY LIFE. It was amazing. Also, this short was neither emotionally manipulative or fucking stupid, so it kind of won at life. No clasped hands during sex - AMAZING!

Lesbian Love Language Quiz!

A special treat before the New Year arrives- the Lesbian Love Language Quiz! Because what better way to ring in the New Year than with some good old fashioned lesbian processing?? I know I can't think of a better way!

So sistren, do you want to find out what your lesbian love language is? Do you want to know how to communicate with your partner/soulmate on a deeper level? This quiz will help you and your lady love improve your u-hauling/ domestic partnership/ civil union/ same-sex marriage in certain states/ fun time relationship.

INSTRUCTIONS:
The quiz consists of 30 pairs of statements. Choose the statement that would make you feel the love tonight the most and record the letter (A, B, C, D, or E). At the end, you'll tally the number of choices for each letter to find your primary love language. While it may be difficult to choose between two statements, it is essential that you choose only one to ensure your results are completely accurate. Take your time, and enjoy!

1.  a) I feel good when my lady love takes me to see the kittens at Petco... A
     b) I love my woman's piercing blue eyes and dark hair, (or at least they look like this if I squint) . . . E

2.  a) I like to have a home cooked meal with my sweetheart. . . . B
     b) I feel loved when my honey goes with me to a women's basketball came . . . D

3.  a) Phone banking with my love makes me happy . . . C
     b) I enjoy lazy mornings drinking mimosas with my boo . . . B

4.  a) I feel loved when my cupcake and I are looking at a beautiful view, atop a mountain we just hiked.      (Note- in this case, it is an actual, physical mountain, not a metaphorical mountain of love) . . . D
     b) I like it when my sweetums rescues me from danger . . . E

5.  a) I feel loved when my favorite recites a poem she wrote for me . . . E
     b) I know my soul twin loves me when she joins me in a women's march . . . C

6.  a) I like going to gatherings of sistren with my bestest, particularly when there's tasty homemade vegan gluten-free cruelty-free cuisine . . . B
    b) I like to face the forces of evil with my muffin . . . E

7.  a) I value my sugar's commitment to social justice . . . C
     b) I love when my gal takes care of my animals . . . A

8.  a) I like to think about how my cookie and I are destined for each other . . . E
     b) My wifey tells me my kittens are adorable, and I like that . . . A

9.  a) Eating scones with my beloved makes me happy . . . B
     b) My precious wears buttons on her shirt to express her beliefs, and I like that . . C

10. a) I feel loved when my ducky plays hide and seek with my cat . . . A
      b) When my buttercup challenges me to a kayaking race, I know she cares . . . D

11. a) No matter the menu, I love sharing a meal with my sweet pea . . . B
      b) Flattering comments towards my pets make me feel good . . . A

12. a) Being active with my special sistren means more to me than the things she says . . . D
      b) I love to go on long walks through the countryside with my sugarcane . . . E

13. a) When my special friend nuzzles me and sits in my lap, it makes me happy . . . A
      b) It means a lot to me that my darling knows which causes matter most to me . . . C

14. a) Just sitting at the breakfast table with my honey bun makes me feel good . . . B
      b) I love it when my jewel lets me sit in front of her on her valiant steed, or shotgun in her sports car . . . E

15. a) My lamb's reactions to my kitty's antics are so encouraging . . . A
      b) It means so much to me when my (future) baby momma cheers for my favorite sports team, even if it rivals hers . . . D

16. a) I never get tired of lying in my true love's arms . . . E
      b) I love that my true love shows an interest in my dietary needs . . . B

17. a) I can always count on my baby doll to drive me to softball practice and cheer for me from the stands . . . D
      b) Nothing makes me more excited than to lobby congress with my pumpkin . . . C

18. a) I love for ma petite chou to tell me how cute my animals are . . . A
      b) I love that my dearest respects my preference for organic tofu . . . B

19. a) I can't help but tell my gem how much she means to me every time I see her . . .E
      b) My lover runs drills with me, and I appreciate that . . . D

20. a) My shortstop is my MVP for life . . . D
      b) I'm amazed at how concerned my beauty is for social good . . . C

21. a) I love that my princess only has eyes for me, even in a crowd of dining sistren . . . B
      b) I love that the light of my life helps me set up for the big game . . . D

22. a) I look forward to working the voting booths with my precious love . . . C
      b) I never get tired of looking lovingly at my kitties with the object of my affection . . . A

23. a) My dumpling lets me know she loves me by donating to my favorite charity for my birthday . . . C
      b) My baby shows her love for me by getting tickets to the playoffs . . . D

24. a) My cherub sometimes surprises me with breakfast in bed, and it makes me happy . . . B
      b) My everything always considers her carbon footprint and environmental impact . . . C

25. a) My cuddle bug shows she cares by drawing us a bath after our soccer tourney . . . D
      b) I never tire of fighting for causes we believe in with my prize . . . C

26. a) I love listening to my dream girl's witty banter/ wittily bantering to my dream girl . . . E
      b) I love when my hottie asks me to go volunteer with her . . . C

27. a) My main girl's purring makes me smile . . . A
      b) I love enjoying a drink with my sugar plum . . . B

28. a) I couldn't ask for better protest signs than the ones my sweet potato makes . . . C
      b) I being cosmically connected to my soul bond . . . E

29. a) It means a lot to me when my hero helps me with my paddling technique (on the water!) . . . D
      b) It makes me feel great when my snookums brings home kibble for my little ones . . . A

30. a) I love re-declaring my undying love for my corazon when we've been separated for a long time, like a few hours . . . E
      b) I love seeing my love goddess talking to my kittens about their day . . . A

TALLY:
A_______ B_______ C_______ D_______ E_______

KEY: (for detailed descriptions of the love languages, see this previous post)
A = cats
B = brunch
C = activism
D = sports
E = Xena and Gabrielle fantasies

INTERPRETING AND USING YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your main love language is the one with the highest number. If the totals for two languages are equal, you are bilingual. If the second highest number doesn't fall far from the first, it is your secondary language. The highest score possible is 12.

Now, make sure your lady friend takes the quiz too so you can process your results together! What do you  need to feel loved? What does your lady friend need? Now you know! Just think of the fun you'll have discussing how to better meet each others' needs!

If you take the quiz, share your results in the comments!

Lesbian Love Languages

Sistren, recently The Librarian and I were gifted an amazing gift from our friends: The 5 Love Languages. What a score! It's filled with hyper-heteronormative relationship descriptions and a hideously sexist quiz. Taking the quiz tells you if your love language is physical touch, quality time, acts of service (the non-naughty kind), words of affirmation, or receiving gifts. Naturally, we loved it, and took the quizzes from both the dude and lady perspectives. My love languages are physical touch and quality time, in case you were wondering. Yet while we found it highly informative, and I'm super excited to continue filling The Librarian's "Love Tank" (direct quote!), I found it lacked content for us sistren. Thus, I give you my own version: The Lesbian Love Languages.

 1. Cats
Some ladies show their love, or want others to show love to them, via cat. If this is your love language, you probably want your partner to talk about how lovable and cute your furry friends are, to admire their playfulness and wit, talk at length about their emotional states, etc. You may meow while flirting, act cold and aloof when hurt, and feel threatened when others encroach on your territory. You want your lady to cuddle with you and curl up in your lap to show affection. You want nothing more than for her to make you purr.
**Note: Dogs are an acceptable substitute**

2. Brunch
Some ladies show their affection through food, preferably in potluck form with friends. If this is your language, you want your partner to make you something special, like those vegan gluten free muffins you like, and make sure to save one before the other ladies devour them all. Your ideal partner would love basking in the glory of your sistren at a group brunch, but would only have eyes for you. She'd sit next to you, and you'd even drink from the same cup, because you obviously share everything. When you're not potlucking, you love for your woman to bring you breakfast in bed. You may even like cooking for her too- heating it up in the kitchen is your idea of a great time.

3. Activism
There's nothing Sistren love more than social justice! If activism is the way to your heart, you long for your love interest to show her interest by joining you at the phone bank, on the picket lines, or at the march. To win your heart, a girl has to notice the buttons on your backpack and start handing out leaflets accordingly. No dinner and a movie dates for you: you'd rather go door to door with your lady, canvassing for your favorite local candidate; serve food at the local soup kitchen; take a romantic stroll at the dyke march, hand in hand; or email your sistren friends to join your cause. When a lady starts campaigning for your heart, she has her work cut out for her, but all that hard work will pay off if she stays true to the cause.

4. Sports
We all know lesbos love sports. Be it women's basketball, soccer, softball, hiking, kayaking, what have you, we love a good game or outdoor activity. And not always for the exercise- I didn't watch the Olympic soccer games because I understood the rules, if you know what I mean. (Call me ladies!) But anyway, I digress.
If you're fluent in sports, you want your lady to join a softball team/ hiking group / kayaking class with you. Or at the very least, get you courtside tickets to see your favorite team. No fouls here- the right lady for you will combat roll with you just to show she cares. You'll only show her your inside game after she shows she proves she's got the skills to play on your team.

 5. Xena and Gabrielle Fantasies
You know who you are- pretending you're Gabrielle and your lady love is Xena, or vice versa. This love language manifests in many ways: wanting your honey to watch super cheesy lesbian films with you, reading romance novels aloud (which are mostly Xena ubers anyway, lets face it), going to Xena conventions, etc. To win your heart, your lady has to first figure out which character you imagine yourself to be and act accordingly. She would woo you by standing loyally by your side and regaling you with her witty banter, or alternatively by defending you against evil foes and being your constant protector. She'll write you a poem or sing you a ballad, but whichever your preference, she'll declare you her soulmate for life as you ride off into the sunset together (on the same horse, naturally).

But how do you know which love language you speak? Stay tuned for our quiz and you can find out.

Think we left out any lesbian love languages? Let us know!

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.

I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).

(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)

Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.

(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.

You know how when you bought that house near Conor Kennedy (and decided to hang on to it even after you broke up) everyone freaked out on you and said you were stalking him and stuff? For lesbians, this is called U-Hauling, and it is not only totally acceptable but commonplace. No one would have been surprised at all if you were dating a lady instead of Conor and did this. You could have followed her, followed her home and people would have been supportive and brought you cookies and candles and cats and other nice housewarming presents.

While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.

(3) Last Kiss

Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.

(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina

No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.

(5) It’s All About the Process

Guess who loves to process? Lesbians. Guess who else loves to process? You. And it’s not like you don’t know it! Sistren Brambles (hereafter known as “Brambles”) did some “research” on you / was just reading about your life because she cares, and she found this gem: Of your typical relationship, you say, “It usually lasts four and a half months, and then it all just disintegrates. Then I spend, like, a year and a half mourning the loss of it.” AND NEVER LETTING GO. You and every lesbian ever, Taylor. If you dated a woman, not only would you get to touch boobs and such, you could work out your feelings BEFORE committing them to song. Imagine the possibilities.

(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT

The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”

Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.

Lessons from a gay paradise/hell

Hello sistren! Have you been worried about us in our absence? Indigo Labrys and I have been busy doing things like dissertating (in her case) and grad school coursework (in my case) and have sadly  neglected our readership of two! We missed you! PhD school sadly gets in the way of our preferred leisure activities, AKA reading lesbian novels, brunching with lesbians, processing, etc. But we have vowed to come back! Well, I have- and I will drag Indigo Labrys out of her dissertating cave of solitude to regal you all with her with and charm. And if dragging doesn't work, I'll bribe her with what she loves best- kittens.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a delightful experience Indigo Labrys and I shared- volunteering for the gay and lesbian film festival in our state! It was magical! Where else could we watch really bad lesbian films, people watch our favorite people (the gays! yay!), and play our new favorite game, gay bingo. We devised this during our shift at the information desk, as we needed something to do when we weren't giving directions to the bathroom or checking out all the hot ladies walking by. Indigo Labrys beat me every time by the way- she's a sneaky one. Feel free to use our bingo categories for your next gay outing!

But it was OK  because my entrance was more popular. That's right, more people wanted to walk through my door to enter the movie. I think they were drawn to my natural charm. But I digress.

Sistren, we learned so many things. Gays bring the drama all the time. Volunteering at gay events is a good way to meet ladies. That's right, we totally witnessed a hook-up in process, it was magical. We wish them well. We got to see all the older lesbian couples too- they were so awesome! I hope The Librarian and I are like them! Although then I'd have to convince her to go see a bad lesbian movie with me, which is a hard bargain, let me tell you. Maybe I'll just trick her by saying I feel a sudden urge to go to Homo Depot...

Some of the best things we learned were not from our fellow patrons, but the high quality movies we saw! Yes, our sistren who have made cinema their calling have so much to share! The worst by far was "A Perfect Ending." So, so bad. Like beyond my wildest imaginations of bad. Talking slowly was supposed to indicate sexiness, bad bad camera tricks were meant to substitute for depth, and at the ending Indigo Labrys and our other sistren friend laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. Picture this: an artist painted a butterfly, with the head of her dead lover coming out of it, in 1990's Lisa Frank style. Yep, not even joking. It was heinous.

In case you missed the gay film festivals this year, here is a summary of some gems of wisdom we gleaned from our fieldwork:

For Movie Makers (we've watched a lot of bad lesbian films, so therefore are qualified to give advice)

• Morgan Fairchild is hilarious. (Don't see "A Perfect Ending." You'll be sad.)
• Models should really stick to their day job. (see above)
• When making a movie, make sure your cinematography reflects actual plot/thematic points. There is no need to show every trick you know how to do- like focusing on something really tight, showing two images of someone in the same scene (she was of TWO MINDS and couldn't make a decisions- so subtle!!), etc. 
• Editing is your friend. "A Perfect Ending" would have been great as a short, with more Morgan Fairchild and maybe a few seconds of everyone else. Or better yet, just Morgan Fairchild.
• Lesbians love character development! Please use some. ("Hey." "Hey." <making out> "I love you!" does not character development make)

For Our Sistren:

• Diners are depressing. Especially the rotating cheesecake displays (See "Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same. A lesbian movie that's funny and campy on purpose? Who knew!)
• Go to these movies with other sistren, so you can bond/share in the pain together
• Olympia Dukakis plays an amazing old butch (Cloudburst- I enjoyed this much more than Indigo Labrys. Just don't watch the last 10 minutes and you'll be good to go)
• Even though you think your bar for lesbian movies is really, really low, someone will surpass it. Prepare for extra processing time at the bar with your sistren when this happens, as you will have a lot of feelings to discuss.
• Apparently, in Sweden people fall in love instantly, especially while watching deer graze at twilight, despite not knowing each other at all, and being in long-term monogamous relationships. Keep this in mind if you go traveling.

We hope you have the lovely opportunity to go to a gay film festival too, sistren! Despite the horror of many of the films we saw, we'd do it again in a heartbeat, and mourned the loss of the festival as we began our fall semesters of grad studenthood. 

Happy fall friends! We promise not to stay away so long next time!

Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?

Sistren, Indigo Labrys and I have recently returned from (separate) family vacations with our lady friends. It thus seemed time to talk about surviving this u-haul rite of passage with all two of you readers, and so I hope you enjoy this vignette.

For part of our recent vacay, the Librarian and I went on a four-day rafting trip with my dad. Just the three of us, on a raft, on a no trace river. In case you don't recognize that term, that means you have to take everything out with you. Everything. Just think about it for a second.

This led to many bonding experiences over conversations about the "groover" (camp toilet): how to use it, where to use it, why you shouldn't tip it over, how to carry it on the boat, how to squat over it without falling over, how to manage the toilet paper (hint, don't drop the only roll in the river on the 2nd day, which I may or may not have done), what to do if you have your period while using it (which became relevant on day 2- bad timing), etc. This also led to comments from my dad to the Librarian like "your ass is really white!" when he turned around too soon.

Before leaving on the trip, the Librarian and I went out with one of my old pals (also a fabulous gay lady) whom I've known since high school. She also knows my dad pretty well. When we told her about these plans, she asked, "Has she ever spent much time with your dad?" in a voice which insinuated that the librarian needed to be mentally prepared.

She had not, and I had been prepping her by warning her about all the lectures we would be getting about the proper way to tie knots and get into the boat (we kinda sucked at both of those things), and the constant teasing she would be subjected to. It only took two days for my dad to give her the first of a few new nicknames, which I will not repeat to keep our domestic harmony intact. But they were pretty funny, I can assure you.

Despite all these moments of ridiculousness, and the fact that the Librarian ended the trip with a wicked sunburn, we had a good time. I was a bit worried she would leave this trip thinking "omg, what have I gotten myself into?!" as my Dad can be a bit much sometimes, and we are also very, very similar. But I'm not as crotchety. Hopefully.... Anyway, the librarian and my dad got along great, we all had fun, and my lady friend has seen my family for the crazy that we are, and did not break up with me upon returning to civilization.

We hope to go on another rafting trip with him, if he'll consent to it. Typical of a dad, he still thinks I'm the same size I was in high school (which wasn't petite then either, let me tell you), and so grossly underestimated how much extra weight two adult women would add to his boat. Oh well, he got some good exercise.

From this experience, we want to offer our sistren these helpful tips:

• Just nod and agree with anything the parents out-of-law say. "Yes, I do find knot tying fascinating! Please tell me more!" 
• Accept instructions on how to do something you've been able to do successfully since the age of 12 gracefully. "Why thank you for telling me that a lid over the pan will make the food cook faster! Genius!"
• Accept their food preferences, no matter how off-putting or strange. "30 cloves of garlic in one dish? An entire Costco-sized bag of brussels sprouts? Sounds delicious!" (this is not an exaggeration)
• Ask for their advice on something- they love this! "How likely do you think it is that someone will come down the river this late?"
• Don't hold a grudge when their advice turns out wrong "Highly unlikely! Nobody will float by while you pee!" (shortly thereafter, two dudes may or may not have floated past and stared at the aforementioned white ass)
• No matter what you do, don't drop the toilet paper in the water!

We hope that all your family vacations will be full of wholesome bonding moments such as ours.

Book Dedications

Sistren, one day Indigo Labrys and I will write many wonderful lesbian novels. As we've read so many between us, we are highly qualified. In anticipation of this, we've decided to start practicing our book dedications. While we'll never reach the genius that is Radcylffe, we can try to live up to her example.

To our lady friends:

• the only stone I want to click with
• the cherry to my sundae
• the Jane to my Austen
• the only sugar I need in my tea
• for showing me true love does last forever, in this life and the next
• my soultwin and lifemate
• when you die, I want to snort your ashes like cocaine, so we never have to be alone again
• with eternal gratitude for the gift of your catdance
• thx for all the handballing
• the only one who turns my screw
• my wife, my mother, my baby girl, my sister - my everything
• So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish Tacos
• the only one who can Moby my Dick
• my personal Fingersmith
• I want to ride you into the sunset

To our animal friends:

• Mommy's perfect angel
• my spirit companion
• my favorite fuzzy friend
• my animal soul-bond
• my furchild

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

Ladies, a few moon cycles ago Indigo Labrys and I were talking about the dating woes of our past and decided it was time we addressed this important topic: mixed v. clear signals. Have you been out on a date with a hot lady and thought, "surely she wants me for my smooth intellect and my dashing good looks," only to never hear from her again? What is a lady to do?

First of all, we recommend leading by example. We're going to share some "do nots" (AKA mixed signals) and "dos" (clear signals!). These examples may or may not come from our own personal experiences... that can be a fun guessing game for you! (We wrote this one together, as we both have things to share- hypothetically, that is.)

Mixed Signals:

• Sending her poems - about the internet (see previous post on pitching woo)
• Happily agreeing to hang out all the time, but only when SHE asks YOU- you never call her to hang out
• Acting cuddly in private but aloof in public- or vice versa
• Sending mildly flirtatious texts/letters and packages filled with fun things you found in the library/ long chatty emails, but later claiming that these were just meant in friendship, and you totally always write cute letters on beer coasters to casual acquaintances and didn't meant anything by it at all (hypothetically speaking, of course)
• Dancing all sexy-like with a lady and then leaving her high and dry
• Saying you don't want to be "girlfriends" but you don't want to date or sleep with anyone else, and aren't looking either. Meanwhile, you're calling her your girlfriend to other people when she's not around, but being very adamant that SHE shouldn't use that word to describe YOU.  (again, purely hypothetical here)
• Telling her that you're totally over your ex and available for a relationship when mementos of your ex litter your house and in fact outnumber the stars (again, totally hypothetical)
  
• When you scoot close to your potential squeeze and she immediately moves away like she's being burned with hot pokers (this has happened and she WAS interested)
• Asking you out on a date but inviting her ex-girlfriend along (because she called and didn't have anything to do! it makes PERFECT sense!)
• When your lady invites you to meet her family because you're so super serious and then breaks up with you shortly after.
• When you go from making sweet sweet love to suddenly becoming very busy with (school)work. And then you stop communicating with your ladyfriend but pretend everything is fine, you're just tired, God. And then she sends you a message and is like, "Are you breaking up with me by avoiding me?" And that's how you know you've been sending mixed signals.
  

Clear signals that say "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond!":

• Sending her poems about ladies doing each other, with a note about how you would like to act this out with a special someone
• Asking her out. Now we are well aware that it is difficult to tell if it is coffee or a date, but making it clear that you are asking her on a date is always a good idea in our eyes. That way, if she doesn't want to date you and would rather it just be coffee, she can say so. You may have a moment of awkwardness, but due to the magic of lesbian sisterhood, you'll be back to enjoying your knitting circle as if nothing happened soon enough. (hmm, perhaps a future post on asking a lady out, tips and suggestions?)
• Telling her she's cute, finding excuses to touch her arm, buying her a drink = all good signs to show interest. Now if it's at a lady's birthday party and everyone is buying her a drink you may have to step it up a notch to make her realize your intentions, but we have confidence in you.
• Saying, "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond."
• Dedicating karaoke songs to her, posting sexy little ditties on her facebook wall that make your interest clear, like "I Touch Myself" or something. (And not, for example, "Separate Ways," which one of our ladies totally sang when we went out for karaoke together, and which the author took as a sign of DISinterest).
  

Clear signals that say "I am not interested in touching your ({})":

• When a lady leans in for a hug, taking a large step back and giving a wave clearly shows you are not interested in going past the friend zone (Not that this has happened to one of us, or anything. Never.)
• Similarly, if you're not interested, talking about another girl you think is cute (even if you're embellishing) will signal to her that you're not interested in the lady right in front of you, and can prevent someone you don't want to touch ({}) with from asking you out. Unless they're one of those who likes to play games... but that kind of insanity goes beyond our advice-giving abilities. We're simple when it comes to these things.
• If she asks you out and you're just not that into her (to borrow a phrase), just say no thank you. Don't be rude, but don't say yes and get yourself into a sticky situation later when she tries to put the moves on

So ladies, we beg of you, for the good of sisterhood don't play games with your love interests. Save those for the bedroom.

An emoticon just for lady lovers

Sistren, text messaging is a fun way to communicate in these modern times. It's quick, it's easy, and a way to send a note when you don't have time for a phone call or email. A lot of people like to use cute emoticons to express their feelings (and you know lady lovers love feelings too), like a ;-) when you're feeling saucy, a :-) when you are telling your lady friend how much you enjoy her company, a (^ o ^) in response to her funny joke, or a (- _ ; ) to show you're sad because you haven't seen her in two whole hours. And of course, a <3 to say I love you, which of course you said midway through your second date.

Well friends, I have a new one for you. Or maybe it's not new for those tech-savvy ladies out there. Anyway, without further ado, I give you the vag/box/beaver/fish taco:

({})

Ladies, this gem came my way purely by accident. One of my school chums sent me this in a text message! I nearly died laughing, and asked her if she'd intended to send me a vagina. She replied that it was a hug! Obviously, this is no hug! 

I showed this to the Librarian and asked her what it looked like. She immediately said "A pussy. Maybe one enlarged and about to give birth." (This was especially funny as she never uses that word.) I polled "Amy Ray" who  made a face of discomfort and exclaimed "oh my!" I shared it with Indigo Labrys, who posted it on a mutual friend's Facebook wall, who of course said "that looks like a vagina."

What was going on? Could it be that hetero girls, like my school chum, are just not used to looking at lady parts from that angle, and are unaware of the resemblance to this combination of characters? I was determined to find out.

Last night at a dinner gathering, I asked everyone present to tell me what ({}) looked like. Straight girls, gay boys, and gay girls all had an immediate reaction of "oh!" and agreed it is a vag. How could it be that my school chum didn't see this?

The mystery was solved shortly, as she was also present. On her phone (something called a "blackberry," you know one of those bougie "smart" phones) has fancy emoticons, and when she texted me she chose one that has a smiley face with arms out like a hug. Huh. She had unknowingly been sending non-smart phone owners vaginas instead of hugs! OK, so this probably means I'm the only one getting vaginas. Whatever. At least I know that straight girls aren't totally unaware of their bodies, and now I have a new favorite thing to send to my ladyfriend. 

Just think of the possibilities for dating! For example:

• If you're not sure of your new acquaintances sexual leanings: 
• Hey girl, do u like ({})? ;-)
• Cute, simple, to the point!
• If you are hoping for a little something after your date:
• I wanna touch ur ({}) 2nite!
• Who doesn't love a flirty text?
• If you're trying to put off a suitor:
• Sorry, not n mood 4 ({}) 2nite. 
• A fun way to reject a ladies' advances!
• To tell your friend about your wild evening:
• Had 2 much ({}) last nite. Coffee?
• An easy way to tell her what you need to process about! Friend process, not lady-friend process, those two things should not be combined. 
• A friendly way to abbreviate any lady lovin' event:
• Goin 2 a ({}) bar, who's in?
• All your pals immediately know what you're talking about, and it saves you texting time!

I hope this emoticon will serve you well, sistren. Please let us know if you have other uses for it. I'm thinking T-shirts.