"Always" is not the height of romance, y'all

Sistren, I'm taking a break from our typical topics to rant about something non-queer-lady-related (for the most part). I've finished my dissertation, so my brain has more time for random rants and you're all about to benefit from it! In this case, I'm talking people's weird, blind obsession with Snape's so-called love for Lily Evans Potter. If you don't know what I'm talking about, 1) stop reading this blog right now, and 2) go read some Harry Potter. Cause if you haven't read them by now (I'm looking at you, bro-in-law of mine), you seriously are lacking as a human being. How are you even functioning right now?

This obsession came up again on the social media after the sad passing of Alan Rickman, the actor who played Severus Snape (again, if you don't already know this, what is wrong with you?). My facebook page was inundated with the grossest of Snape quotes: 

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

If you can't remember what this is from, let me briefly explain. Snape has just done the Expecto Patronum spell, and his patronus is a doe. Lily's patronus was also a doe- this shows that Snape was deeply affected by her death, as magic folk's patronuses (patroni?) can change after a big emotional event. 

So, there are many fan art images, a video that supposedly makes people weep for the strength of this love, and etsy items that glorify and romanticize this quote as if it indicates some pure, deep love that we all should strive for. It does not. 

Instead, it indicates a life-long obsession. And, say it with me, OBSESSION IS NOT HEALTHY. Let me explain my strong feelings in list form, as I try to be more succinct: 

1. Just because Snape liked Lily, and James Potter (who she married, hence producing Harry Potter) was a jerk and a bully as a teenager, does not mean it's justified for Snape to hold a life-long, crippling hatred towards James and a romanticization of Lily.  She never dated Snape, she clearly didn't want to date him. So Snape thinking that James somehow stole her away from him takes away her agency, and allows him to ignore the fact that she was just not that into him. Move on, buddy.
2. Snape transferred this teenage hatred of James into hatred of Harry Potter. He's incredibly cruel to him throughout the book series, even when we know he's working on the side of "good" with Dumbledore. (Come on, we all knew that he was trying to teach Harry to cast spells in his mind so that he wouldn't have to block his spells in a fight, but Harry wasn't capable of this). Snape needed some wizard therapy, but mental health was apparently not a thing they cared about in this universe. I mean, Harry, Hermione and Ron could've also used some therapy after all their dealings with He Who Shall Not be Named, but Dumbledore was all "You're fine, see you next term. 10 points for Gryffindor."
3. I feel that people would not be so into Snape's obsession for Lily if their genders were reversed. Snape is basically a rotting wedding cake away from being Miss Havisham, and no one ever thinks her love is cute. It makes me think of things like boys pulling girls pigtails and people ooing instead of talking with the boys about consent. 

There are weird quirks of the wizarding world and the series that allowed this obsession to continue. 

1. Dating in the Harry Potter universe is very antiquated. (Rainbow Rowell parodied this with a small mention in Carry On, which you should read if you haven't. It makes me understand why people write Harry/Draco slashfic). Everyone seems to find their future spouse at Hogwarts and if you don't, you are bound to a life of singledom. The one exception I can think of is Tonks and Remus Lupin- way to break the mold, guys! So perhaps since Snape did not meet anyone whose feelings for him were mutual at Hogwarts, he was destined to be a sad, bitter man easily swept up by an evil dictator.
2. Dumbledore takes advantage of Snape's obsession in a very twisted way. One of the most interesting things about Dumbledore is that while he's Harry's hero he's not the best person, especially when it comes to Snape. He knows Snape will be tortured by looking after Harry, and he forces him to do it anyway. Bit of a shit move, Dumbledore. Maybe because he wasn't allowed to be with his love, he wanted Snape to suffer with him. That's a stretch, but how Dumbledore treats Snape is sick and twisted. 
3. Snape is weird and socially awkward, especially compared to James Potter. In the flashbacks we see him being bullied at Hogwarts (where are the teachers??) when he is not alone. Lily seems to be his only friend, and he wanted her to be everything for him. It's not healthy to have all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. She symbolized love, inclusion, friendship, and popularity- all things that were unattainable for him. When he was angry as a teenager he called Lily a "mudblood" (slur for muggle-born witches and wizards) and this was the end of their friendship. Lily already didn't approve of his involvement with the newly-formed Death Eaters. 
4. Perhaps most importantly, Snape felt extreme guilt over Lily's death. Snape overheard part of the prophecy (THE prophecy. Don't pretend you don't know) and relayed it to his boss The Dark Lord, which resulted in the murder of Lily and James Potter. Was he sad about James? Nah. Just Lily. Did his love for Lily make him love her son? Nope, just be angry at him when he resembled his dead father. 

So again, let me state that I don't think loving someone your whole life is necessarily romantic, especially when they never loved you and you had no hope of reciprocation. Snape should've let it go and got on with his life, but instead he lived a bitter and sad existence. Perhaps one of Rowling's triumphs with this character is to show the flipside of one of Harry Potter's largest recurring themes: that love is powerful. In this case, "love" was not triumphant. Yes it motivated Snape's actions, but this didn't do him any favors. Did it protect Harry? Kind of, but Harry had other forms of love (his own and those of his friends) that protected him. Maybe what everyone misses is that Rowling showed how love can be twisted and turn dark. I hope that she did not swoon when she wrote the "always" passage.

TL;DR- Snape is not cute y'all, stop with the "always" already!

Don't Speak Now

Last week, we brought you a horrifying tale about heterosexual marriage. Today we have a differently terrible tale: while that unfortunate, beautiful heterosexual woman is laboring away, only 120 sandwiches away from a proposal, two queer teenagers have beaten her to the punch.

A little backstory: this past weekend was Pride. Not Allured, Amandapanda, and I were watching the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus sing a few Broadway standards, including “Seize the Day” from Newsies and “Seasons of Love” from Rent. As the chorus peppily taught us how to measure, measure a year – in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in cups of coffee?? – we noticed a group of teenagers on our left holding hands and swaying to the music.  Their hippie love-in continued to grow in size; it was unclear if they were trapping random passers-by or if, alternately, they were all gathering there for some dark purpose.

After the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus finished their rendition of “Seasons of Love,” the MC appeared to tell us that we were about to witness a FIRST for NC Pride. My sistren and I were intrigued. We had already experienced a crushing disappointment when we discovered that Bold Strokes Books and D. Jackson Leigh were mysteriously absent from this year’s Pride festivities, and that consequently, our readerly souls would be neither barebacked nor touched gently by lesbians and telekinetic horses. Maybe this promised event would help us deal with the loss of cheesy lesbian romance novels, and we could start the healing process …

Instead, our hopes were crushed, not unlike the time I saw Real-Life Amy Ray at the Pinhook and she failed to recognize our soulbond. This, however, was far worse. We watched in horror as the hippie love-in moved forward, a writhing mass of rainbows and hormones, and unfolded in a straight line in front of the stage. A perky teenager bounced up on the stage, took the mike, and proceeded to PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO HER GIRLFRIEND.

Amandapanda, Not Allured, and I turned to each other with expressions of unspeakable horror. As the proposal continued – “can’t imagine living without you” – “you’re the love of my life” – we struggled to make sense of the brave new world in which we suddenly found ourselves. What kind of crazy place was this? How long had they been dating? Weren’t they in high school? This was almost just like that time Not Allured’s former student contacted her to inquire about the wisdom of getting her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her body, BUT CRAZIER.

So we have some concerns we’d like to address here. Baby queers: we know that love is a many splendor’d battlefield that lifts you up, YOU ARE ONLY IN HIGH SCHOOL (or like, early college. Maybe). There are still hundreds (or dozens) of people you haven’t had sex with (or held hands with) yet. You are also young and stupid. Your prefrontal cortex has not finished developing, which is why you do things like listen to One Direction and take endless selfies in the bathroom and go skinny-dipping in shark-infested waters. You are still learning how to have feelings and not be terrible human beings; you are still learning how to drive, speak a foreign language, sneak out of your bedroom without getting caught, and drink responsibly. You are still learning about yourself. You cannot possibly know whether you are ready to take on the incredible burden of loving someone else FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

Please listen to your sistren, who are older and wiser and have read many romance novels about high school romances that never fade that nevertheless seem like absolutely terrible relationships for sane people to be in. 

As Taylor Swift says, while Not Allured and I are not the kind of girls who should be rudely barging in on a white-veil occasion, you, my sweet sweet baby gays, are NOT the kind of girls who should be marrying anyone at all - because you're only sixteen, guys. 

To See or Not To See (Lesbian Movies)

Sistren, for the second year in a row the two of us have volunteered at our local Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. We love this volunteer gig for many reasons, such as:

• we get movie passes to go see queer films!!
• we get to people-watch all the queers!
• to go with the above, we make our own bingo! (which IL has won the past 3 times- cheater) (IL: I am not a cheater. I'm just way better at bingo than you are, i.e. highly observant and lucky. Also, you were thwarted by "mullets" and "merging" - as are we all on occasion, my friend). 
• we get to judge both the people AND the movies!
• we get to process all our feelings every time we watch a movie!
• we get to hang out a bunch!
• as ticket-takers, we get to say fun things like, "My entrance is most popular!" as Not Allured naively claimed last year. This year, however, she has had some ... stiff competition, if you will. 
• we get to educate other volunteers (in addition to the whole world, obviously) on the power of sistrenhood. For example, this year a misguided volunteer asked Not Allured and me how long w'd been dating, presumably since we were volunteering together. We quickly corrected her and, I would like to think, demonstrated that sistrenhood is mighty. Look, other queer ladies! you can have friends you just have fun with! Life isn't like The L Word!
• this may just be me, Indigo Labrys, but I also enjoy having the opportunity to nag other humans and have it legitimized by my official volunteer t-shirt. "No, ma'am, you *cannot* enter this theatre - you have tickets for an entirely different movie." "Excuse me, sir, but Cinema Two is *that* way." "Pardon me, miss, but I think your head may be stuck up your ass (you fucking pretentious hipster)." AHHH. FEELINGS.

Gayness, judging things, processing, hanging out? It's our dream come true!

Because we have seen 8 movies (including 2 compilations of shorts) over the past week, we thought we'd share some very short reviews with you. Cause have you noticed how no one wants to say gay  movies are bad? Haven't we gotten to the point where we don't have to pretend they're all great? We think so, anyway. To rate them, we will be giving them 0, 1, 2, or more ({})'s.

Who's Afraid of Vagina Woolf? (feature length film) 

Smart, funny, makes fun of hipsters, Guinevere Turner impersonating Elizabeth Taylor, vagina costume, features a cat vest, is also a really interesting movie about making queer movies. Also Guin Turner as Elizabeth Taylor is maybe my new favorite thing ever.  It needed to be said again. (Maybe Not Allured will forgive her for Go Fish now?) (Not a chance.) (It's ok; since she was involved with the script for Breaking the Girls, she's back on my shit-list.)

We give this all the ({})'s! Loved it! Go see it right now! Will be buying on DVD! And looking for that vagina costume to wear in the bedroom for Halloween this year.

Reaching for the Moon. (feature length film) 

We'd like to suggest this alternate title: "Reaching for a Plot."

NA: Obviously, this had a huge, huge budget as the costumes and sets were beautiful. It even had good actresses. But someone never matured from the elementary school way of using metaphors. And it seemed like it went on forever. And, all of the characters were completely insufferable. For a movie about a poet, it had a complete lack of verbal artistry. No ({})'s for this one. Do yourself a favor and skip it. Not Allured tried to process it with The Librarian (who did not see the film), who told her to go talk to Indigo Labrys about it and get over it already. (We are still processing our feelings about this film, mainly of rage, anger, and disappointment).

IL: I need to write up separate feelings for this because, as they say in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (a favorite from last year), I have BIG FEELINGS. My biggest gripe is that this was a movie about a poet and yet it fails to really engage Bishop's poetry. Imagine all the interesting things they could have done with her work. Did you do it? Good. Now throw all of them out the window like they're a zebra-patterned ottoman with hot pink trim. Instead we receive lots of shots of her wandering around some trees muttering to herself. And the film is framed by "One Art." Argh. Additionally, as my sistren Not Allured notes, the film seems to be really worried that a movie about Elizabeth Bishop might be just too hard for people to understand. So instead, each plot point is hammered home with heavy-handed symbolism. Did someone just die? ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. A SYMBOLIC TOY BOAT SINKS BENEATH THE WATER. Why not just put a raven in there and make it croak "Nevermore"? Also, they use my least favorite thing ever: storm outside = storm inside (their hearts). Think of The Notebook. When they are all "I wrote you 365 days!" "I didn't get any of your letters!" "I'm so mad, girl, I just want you to sex you up in this storm." Actually, this movie had a lot in common with The Notebook.

I Am Divine (feature length documentary) 

NA: Touching, funny, raunchy, and a tear-jerker all wrapped in a fabulous package. Two bedazzled ({})  ({})'s up!

IL: Yeah, this was good. I didn't know anything about Divine, although I have seen Hairspray at the encouragement of another sistren.

Chastity Bites  (feature length film)

Not Allured: I (and The Librarian, who actually came to see this one too) thought this was silly and fun and enjoyed it. Elizabeth Bathory teaching an abstinence-only sex ed program so she can pray on young virgins? Loved it! My favorite scene was the principal's death scene. True the main girl could have been gayer for a gay film festival, and her boyfriend looked super gay, but I am willing to overlook these elements for some mindless fun. I give it one ({}).

IL: So I didn't enjoy this at. all. I'm not really sure why, but I think it is probably along these lines: I get that the movie is trying to spoof the pathologization of non-normative sexualities in different texts - how the vampire becomes associated with non-normative bodies and desires (so, both the trope of the lesbian vampire in literature and film, i.e., Carmilla, but also how the historical record about Bathory herself might be colored by the threat she posed to social norms at the time). So the film does an ok job of spoofing this - there's a lot of campiness surrounding both Liz Batho's lesbianism / vampirism (she is an equal-opportunity seductress / murderer of young girls, MILFs, and cat-ladies) and the fact that the heterosexual teenage protagonists are the only ones capable of eradicating that threat. I'm just not sure that the movie goes beyond merely spoofing these things to any sort of sustained criticism? (NA: It didn't, but I didn't care. I watched this with the same mindset I watch shows on ABC Family- expecting no criticism at all, just mindless entertainment). 

Also, I didn't think it was very funny. Because I am a humorless feminist. (NA: True. I think IL's English dissertating is preventing her from enjoying things for their own sake.)

Breaking the Girls  (feature length film)
IL: I don't even know how to begin to describe how batshit insane this film is. We had received mixed reviews prior to seeing its insanity for ourselves; one group of friends thought it was totally deranged, and another group of volunteers strongly recommended it. Needless to say, we chose our friends well, because they were absolutely correct about this film. It was crazysauce, and I don't know that I can say much about it besides the following: this movie is about making bad decisions. Seeing this movie is one of these bad decisions.

On the other hand, Madeline Zima (who was in The Nanny; don't lie, you know you watched it) makes the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Her crazy eyes are amazing. I feel like she knows the film is insane and maybe it doesn't make sense to her either but she commits to the crazy 100%. She is ON BOARD that crazy train.

Rating: It doesn't get any ({}) because that's way too good for this film. Instead, it gets ONE crazy-face :-O.

NA: I only  have to add, "stop trying to make all the plot twists happen. They're never gonna happen."

Ok I actually have more feelings. So like, Nina, had sex with her step dad? Her half-sister's dad? Or something? Messed up. Also, like duh, he wouldn't remember he had a step kid named Janine, and maybe that's the same person as Nina? And a daughter named Sarah? WTF? This movie made NONE OF THE SENSE in its quest to be plot twisty. Also, it was basically like that 1 pool scene from Wild Things that everyone has seen, Swim Fan, and like Single White Female, with more gayness. And insanity. 

Heterosexual Jill (feature length film)
NA: Enjoyable, funny, maybe tried to make some commentary about everyone being obsessed with what 'box' (no pun intended) their sexuality fits in but never quite getting there. But it did make us want to see "Butch Jamie," for which this is a sequel, but you didn't need to see it to like this movie. One non-heterosexual ({})

IL: Yeah, NA already had to listen to me rant a little bit about this yesterday. (I have so many feelings all the time, sistren.) It's mostly pretty funny; I mean, one of the protagonists is a CAT ACTOR. Repeat: she is a cat. actor. So that wins.

In order to understand why I am a little peeved at this movie, here's a basic outline of the plot: Jill really wants to be straight. She's attending a support group focused on reclaiming her heterosexuality. (This is predictably gross and rightfully mocked.) Jill and Jamie used to date. Jill decides that to prove she's a Real Heterosexual (TM) she and Jamie need to date again. They do. Meanwhile, back on the farm, Butch Jamie just accidentally saw her first dick and is having fantasies about making it with dudes. She starts attending a support group based on reclaiming her lesbianism (which Jill later also ends up at, surprise surprise). I am irritated because I feel like the film creates a false equivalency between these support groups; they're both mocked equally and in ways that seem to suggest they are equally hypocritical and intolerant. (I don't think the film wants to do this, but it does IMO.) Likewise, it suggests that Jill's internalized homophobia is just like Butch Jamie's refusal to admit she's having fantasies about the peen. And these are not the same!
(NA: This is really where IL's studies in English literature raise their ugly head and make her soul even sadder than mine on watching bad lesbian films. Since I have but a piddly BA in English literature, my pain is not so great.)

However, there is a song about how lesbians will save the ozone layer and create world peace and stuff.

The Mermaids (longish short? not quite feature length?)
Super cute nerd, super cute jocks, German, costumes, adorkable-ness, social awkwardness. Would definitely watch again! Two aquatic ({}) ({})

Quiet (short)

Bleh, emotionally manipulative, no character development. Counting on a gay audience relating to the tragic circumstances and feeling sad about the possibility of it happening to them. Tell us something we don't know. Negative ({})s. 

Tsuyako (short)

A love story between two Japanese women in 1950s Japan. Beautiful, heartbreaking, good characters, real. Amazingly well done for a student film. Make more, we will watch them all! 2 ({}) ({})'s. 

Natives (short)

Despite the shaky camera work and the fact that we hid underneath our shawls with embarrassment for most of the film, we liked it. Two lesbians, one Native American, go to visit the Native American woman's parents. White girlfriend proceeds to say every wrong, stereotypical, romanticized thing she's read in books (or her Intro to World Religions class). It is very anxiety-inducing to watch, but real, as dumb white girls like this say stupid shit all the time. Way to catch that in a film, NYU students. Get one of those rolly cart things for your camera next time. ({})

Do you have a cat? (short)

Cats, dogs, allergies, bad dates, Amber Benson. Cute and funny, despite the shots of gross male chest hair. ({}) 

Beside Her (longish short)

NA: Only one thing needs to be said about this terrible film- during a 1 minute sex-scene, there were FIVE shots of them holding hands. And yes, I counted.

IL: Let us also not forget how the entire point of the sex scene was basically to FORESHADOW the death of one of the lovers at the end. (Her hands clutch the sheets while they make the sex! Cut to her hands clutching the grass as she lays dying! Look, now her face is sweating while they make love! Cut to a shot of her sweating again ... only this time she's bloody and dying and stuff.) The only good thing about this movie was seeing "Erika Flores" during the credits and thinking that Colleen from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, might be in a lesbian short film. But alas, I was wrong. Negative ({}).

NA: Also, the moral for this film seems to be don't go jogging in dumb ass places, like on remote cliffs.

Click (longish short)
Was supposed to be funny but was so not. Why were some of the ladies in the theater laughing? What were they watching? Also, the characters did not follow some of our #1 advice - don't say you like something just to get a date. At the end, some friends are trying to set up another on an online date with someone who says they like spanking. To try to get their friend motivated, they bring over some light bondage toys and start paddling each other over the kitchen table. No, just no. This is not how these things work- of course you're not going to like it if you do this out of the blue! You gotta work up to that stuff! Come on!

Also, there's this really disturbing part where the protagonist addresses the ass she will be practicing her spanking skillzors on: "Hello, cheeks, my name is Sara, and I'll be paddling you shortly." Or something like that. Very unsexy. Not a good idea for things to do with your gal-pals (or at least not your platonic gal-pals).

Zero ({})

Queen of my Dreams (short)
We loved loved it! Cute ladies, cute idea,  but it was sadly way too short! For that we'll give it ({}) ({ in the hopes that she makes a longer version.

IL: This short was basically my life. Like, everything the narrator said WAS MY LIFE. It was amazing. Also, this short was neither emotionally manipulative or fucking stupid, so it kind of won at life. No clasped hands during sex - AMAZING!

Just Say No to Name Tattoos

Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.

Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.

This was our conversation in a nutshell:

Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.

Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!



Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?

Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.

Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.

This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?

So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.

And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.

And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.

Face Off

Hello, lesbians.

Let's talk about internet dating.

Since I moved to North Cackalacky, I have been an internet dating machine - not only because I am a skankypants and a massive procrastinator, but because it has by far been the most effective way for me to make friends in the area with as little effort as possible. Never before has it been this easy for me - and you, and lesbians everywhere - to locate potential gal pals and then vet them without investing precious time and energy or losing your dignity. Never again will you pick up a cute lady at the bar to find out she doesn't read and is as dumb as a bag of hair. (True story). 

However! This does not mean that internet dating is without its dangers. Perils abound! People lie all the time and try to play to your expectations (it's like a job interview ... for your bed). How can you combat their tricksy lies and schemes? There is a way out: be a good reader of internet dating profiles. Treat each profile like it's a poetry assignment from your 10th grade English teacher and close read that shit.

Thanks to my time procrastinating at OKC (and match.com, and tangowire, and plentyoffish, and planetout), here are some things to watch out for:

(1) Let's start at the beginning: profile pictures. I have included an illustrated guide to what NOT to do in your profile picture. Do not: include photos that don't actually look like you. While I know that you (like me) are probably a beautiful iridescent butterfly whose charms are much more apparent while you're flitting around effortlessly in life and thus cannot be captured by a camera, some photos will look more like you than others. Choose these photos. Do not select photos from your short-lived career as a teen model, from your infancy, or from (if you are me) that time that you used to wear a lot of tie-dye. Not only will you be harder to find should you meet up, but you might really be disappointing any dates who are tie-dye aficionados, a style from which you have since moved on.

You should also choose pictures in which you are visible: even if you love your cat, try to avoid pictures in which your entire face is obscured by your cat / dog / fishbowl; additionally, and this seems to be especially problematic for lesbians, DON'T choose that picture of you doing something outdoors with a bunch of trees. Not only are you wearing sunglasses and a helmet and a bodysuit, you're cycling so fast you're slightly blurry. Goddammit.

(2) Be wary of the following: anyone who says they don't like drama, anyone who says that they do like drama, anyone who says that they're over their ex and ready to move on. (Respectively, these can be translated as, "I am a magnet for drama but lack the self-awareness to know / fix this," "I'm fucking insane, and "If I were over my ex, I probably wouldn't need to state this.")

(3) This is more of a personal pet peeve, but anyone whose favorite books are all books that they read in high school. Because this means that the last book that you read was in high school. (e.g. "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Nine Coaches Waiting," "Macbeth," "The Scarlet Letter," and "The Pearl" - omg, did you go to my high school?! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!)

(4) Be wary of: these two words! "Ayn Rand." Just close that window, now. (Unless you like Ayn Rand, in which case, why are you reading my website? Don't you have a busy schedule of complaining about how you're being oppressed by the needs of others?)

(5) Be wary of: anyone who doesn't "believe" in either evolution or dinosaurs. (It's a belief, y'all). Anyone who thinks either interracial marriage or homosexuality is wrong. (Also an okc question, wtf). (AND I HAVE BEEN MESSAGED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE ALL THESE THINGS).

(6) Be wary of: anyone who describes their love for cats as "intense." (I just saw this on an okc profile and it's beautiful but mostly terrifying).

Anything I'm missing? I'd like to close with this picture of me, which I have never used on an internet dating profile, ever.

Aaaand, you're welcome. PS - Thanks to "Not Allured" and Danae for the blog fodder.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

Ladies, a few moon cycles ago Indigo Labrys and I were talking about the dating woes of our past and decided it was time we addressed this important topic: mixed v. clear signals. Have you been out on a date with a hot lady and thought, "surely she wants me for my smooth intellect and my dashing good looks," only to never hear from her again? What is a lady to do?

First of all, we recommend leading by example. We're going to share some "do nots" (AKA mixed signals) and "dos" (clear signals!). These examples may or may not come from our own personal experiences... that can be a fun guessing game for you! (We wrote this one together, as we both have things to share- hypothetically, that is.)

Mixed Signals:

• Sending her poems - about the internet (see previous post on pitching woo)
• Happily agreeing to hang out all the time, but only when SHE asks YOU- you never call her to hang out
• Acting cuddly in private but aloof in public- or vice versa
• Sending mildly flirtatious texts/letters and packages filled with fun things you found in the library/ long chatty emails, but later claiming that these were just meant in friendship, and you totally always write cute letters on beer coasters to casual acquaintances and didn't meant anything by it at all (hypothetically speaking, of course)
• Dancing all sexy-like with a lady and then leaving her high and dry
• Saying you don't want to be "girlfriends" but you don't want to date or sleep with anyone else, and aren't looking either. Meanwhile, you're calling her your girlfriend to other people when she's not around, but being very adamant that SHE shouldn't use that word to describe YOU.  (again, purely hypothetical here)
• Telling her that you're totally over your ex and available for a relationship when mementos of your ex litter your house and in fact outnumber the stars (again, totally hypothetical)
  
• When you scoot close to your potential squeeze and she immediately moves away like she's being burned with hot pokers (this has happened and she WAS interested)
• Asking you out on a date but inviting her ex-girlfriend along (because she called and didn't have anything to do! it makes PERFECT sense!)
• When your lady invites you to meet her family because you're so super serious and then breaks up with you shortly after.
• When you go from making sweet sweet love to suddenly becoming very busy with (school)work. And then you stop communicating with your ladyfriend but pretend everything is fine, you're just tired, God. And then she sends you a message and is like, "Are you breaking up with me by avoiding me?" And that's how you know you've been sending mixed signals.
  

Clear signals that say "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond!":

• Sending her poems about ladies doing each other, with a note about how you would like to act this out with a special someone
• Asking her out. Now we are well aware that it is difficult to tell if it is coffee or a date, but making it clear that you are asking her on a date is always a good idea in our eyes. That way, if she doesn't want to date you and would rather it just be coffee, she can say so. You may have a moment of awkwardness, but due to the magic of lesbian sisterhood, you'll be back to enjoying your knitting circle as if nothing happened soon enough. (hmm, perhaps a future post on asking a lady out, tips and suggestions?)
• Telling her she's cute, finding excuses to touch her arm, buying her a drink = all good signs to show interest. Now if it's at a lady's birthday party and everyone is buying her a drink you may have to step it up a notch to make her realize your intentions, but we have confidence in you.
• Saying, "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond."
• Dedicating karaoke songs to her, posting sexy little ditties on her facebook wall that make your interest clear, like "I Touch Myself" or something. (And not, for example, "Separate Ways," which one of our ladies totally sang when we went out for karaoke together, and which the author took as a sign of DISinterest).
  

Clear signals that say "I am not interested in touching your ({})":

• When a lady leans in for a hug, taking a large step back and giving a wave clearly shows you are not interested in going past the friend zone (Not that this has happened to one of us, or anything. Never.)
• Similarly, if you're not interested, talking about another girl you think is cute (even if you're embellishing) will signal to her that you're not interested in the lady right in front of you, and can prevent someone you don't want to touch ({}) with from asking you out. Unless they're one of those who likes to play games... but that kind of insanity goes beyond our advice-giving abilities. We're simple when it comes to these things.
• If she asks you out and you're just not that into her (to borrow a phrase), just say no thank you. Don't be rude, but don't say yes and get yourself into a sticky situation later when she tries to put the moves on

So ladies, we beg of you, for the good of sisterhood don't play games with your love interests. Save those for the bedroom.

uhMERGEncy!!!

So Not Allured has most recently experienced the horrors of (coerced) lesbian merging. Since she is still recovering from shaking and crying, I am going to help a sister out and address the serious problem of lesbian merging (whether coerced or not).

Being merged is not unlike being codependent. Some of the things that contribute to your codependence – precisely identical interests, shared circles of friends, your inability to spend an hour apart without withering and wilting away like a precious flower – are also signs that you and your ladyfriend may have merged. It’s kind of like a Venn diagram … a lady-loVenn diagram, if you know what I mean.

And so consequently there are other behaviors that are red flags for merging that are unique and special like lesbian snowflakes (how are lesbians like snowflakes? they’re cold to the touch and they melt in your mouth). Consider the following –

(1) Do you and your ladyfriend wear the same flannel shirt when you go out line-dancing at the lesbian clurb? (Bonus points if it happens entirely by accident; like, she got up to feed the cats, threw on her favorite flannel shirt, and left the house without your seeing her, and then later, you were like, hmm, what goes better with line-dancing than flannel? NOTHING).

(2) Do you find yourself saying the same things at the same time as your ladyfriend? My ladyfriend and I occasionally do this. She likes to say, “Get out of my head, Charles!” because she is a big nerd, and I find it kind of endearing, but I also recognize that these behaviors are a problem, and so I try extra hard to be contrary and make my responses unique. (Possible solution? Just disagree with everything your ladyfriend says all the time and then have hate-sex).

(3) Do you and your ladyfriend ever break out in song together? While this is a common occurrence during the soul-binding, deal-sealing act of lesbian lovemaking -- while you shelter beneath one another’s willow trees and replenish your spirit – if it happens outside the boudoir, you may have merged. (And again, while this is something that my girlfriend “Amy Ray” and I do, I know it’s a problem, y’all. We just really enjoy sharing our feelings through song, ok?)

(4) Do friends, acquaintances, or even your parents address you by the other’s name? (If you have the same name, your problems are even bigger than you realize. NEVER DO THIS. This is partly why I have changed my name to Indigo Labrys, because I have experienced this and want to avoid it in the future as I shun patriarchy itself). Or have a joint name for the entity that is your relationship? (Do you answer to this name?) (We do).

(5) Do you talk frequently about how you knew each other in past lives? Do you cry and hold each other when this happens and apologize for things that your past selves did to each other? (Xena and Gabrielle get a pass, obviously, because they are ACTUALLY two parts of the same soul and thus are ACTUALLY merged FOR REALZ).

(6) Do you look the same in photographs? Do friends confuse you for each other? I understand why this happens – your ladyfriend is hot, who wouldn’t want to look like her? – but you must take steps to avoid this. There are simple ways to do this – does your ladyfriend smile a lot in photographs? Don’t smile anymore. You can also cut off her hair when she sleeps and then use it to make friendship bracelets for your anniversary, if hair is an issue.

There are many ways in which the uniquely terrible phenomenon of lesbian merging can be experienced.

If any of these signs seem familiar, don't panic. Merging, like cars and time, can be reversed, and you can break its octopus-like hold on your life.

The solution is simple: remember that you and your girlfriend are actually different people, no matter how sad this makes you - there is no "u" or "your girlfriend" in "lesbian" - there's only an I.

Are you codependent? Or do you have to ask your lady friend?

Sistren, sometimes when you're in a relationship, it's easy to sink dangerously close to the depths of codependency. "Not I!" you may shout. "I am perfectly capable of functioning on my own! I am an independent lady, just like Beyonce!" Of course you are friend! But just in case, see how many of the following apply to you. If it's more than two or three, or you find yourself going through this list with a lady friend, you could have fallen victim to codependency. (This is similar and related thought not equal to another lesbian phenomena, u-hauling). It happens to the best of us, sistren, so we can forgive you. Now, for the list:

1. You only accept an invitation or ask a friend to hang out after checking with your lady.
2. You'd like to start a new hobby, like tennis or dream-catcher making, but want to consult your soul-mate first to see if it's a good idea
3. Choosing your job/school location based on the needs of your lady friend, who you've been dating for a whole two days now, or even like 6 months, because that's completely enough time to make important life decisions with each other
4. Converting to veganism/Atkins, etc, after a few dates (The librarian totally bought a vegan cookbook after our second date, but just explained to me that this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from codependency, as she wasn't changing her dietary habits, just showing an interest in mine. And since I benefit from her possession of said cookbook, I'm not about to argue the point)
5. Spending a night/ a few hours apart is a hardship you can't bring yourself to bear (you may claim that you don't live together, but no one is fooled)
6. Things that you used to do by yourself- exercising, shopping, bathing, meeting friends for brunch- you now only do with your lady on your arm.
7. All of your stories include your lady friend, and you utter her name every other word
8. Your interests or beliefs change quickly and for no reason other than to be in sync with your woman. "I'm totally into rock climbing now, I don't know why I used to think I was afraid of heights!"
9. You would turn down something awesome, like a ticket to see Tegan & Sarah, if your lady couldn't get a ticket too.
10. Friends start to get annoyed with you because they never see you alone anymore, and you won't shut up about your lady friend when they do see you. This can often be accompanied by a tendency to not be conscious of things that should be private and canoodle with your lady in public. Just say no ladies, no one likes seeing their friends making out. As we've said in earlier posts, teenagers are not hot, don't act like one.

There are so many examples I could list here, but you get the picture. Ladies, as easy as it may be to get sucked into the relationship vortex, don't lose your personality completely. Merging is boring. I mean come on ladies- sometimes you have to hang out by yourself for some serenity time, or hang out with your friends sans-lady so that you can talk about how awesome she is and ohmygosh she's just perfect and don't they just love her too??!!

One Night Stand = FUN night ... stand ...

So as all four of the readers of this blog know, Not Allured and I really love us some lesbian romance novels.

Lesbian romance novels are a subject that is really close to my heart. Sometimes, even closer than cats. And while lesbian romance novels open up whole new worlds of lesbian goodness in the form of Xena-ubers, shudder-inducing depictions of sexytimes (see "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit You Should Not Put in Your Vagina" and let your imagination run wild), and heartwarming tales of emotional pain had and healed, they also have develop some themes I find absolutely maddening.

Such as their inexplicable hatred of the one-night stand. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I read about a one-night stand in a lesbian romance novel that was (a) portrayed positively and (b) did not turn into an insta-relationship I still wouldn't have a single fucking dollar. It's like an unwritten rule that all lesbian romance novels mysteriously follow, kind of like when I walked into a lesbian bar for the first time and everyone started line-dancing at the exact same time for no particular reason.

In lesbian romance novels, the one-night stand functions as an opportunity for the lead alpha female (usually Xena in any of her beautiful and varied manifestations) to punish herself for her past crimes (failing to save her partner in Vietnam, that patient who died on the operating table, or when she accidentally shot her sister with a gun - whatever causes her secret pain). It's a way for her to avoid forming any sort of meaningful emotional connection because she can never let anyone get close to her ever again. And inevitably, by the end of the novel, Xena is able to realize that with the love of a good woman, she can forgive herself and move past her angst-riddled past.

Usually this happens during Xena and Gabrielle's first time, when Xena realizes that she's never known love like this before. All of those other sexytime encounters with ladies were totally devoid of meaning and they were probably just using her for her money / good looks / power anyway. (And if it's Xena, it's usually all three). Once you meet the love of your life!11! everything else falls into its proper perspective (which is to say, you realize how pointless and awful every part of your life up until this moment! is).

(If you want a visual of my face right now, it looks like this: FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE. FLAMES).

Here's the thing, though - this trend annoys me in books because it's an attitude that way too many folks in real life express. (I know, imagine that! Books have something to do with real life? This shit is CRAZY, yo). (Also, you know who you are. ::glares::). It drives me absolutely batshit crazy when people are all like, "My previous relationships were totally meaningless, except for the part where they brought us together, cuddlebunny." Or like, "I've never really loved anyone ... (dramatic pause) ... until I loved you." Because what they're really saying when they say this is "You are the love of my life. Everything else before you was a dirty, fiendish LIE!"

I call bullshit. Because, for realz, there are lots of different relationships you can have. Sometimes you have relationships with people who would have been perfect for you if you'd met at the right time. Sometimes you have relationships with people who work for you at that time and place, but they aren't your forever home. And sometimes you just have relationships with people who are absofuckinglutely insane. (And that's ok too, because then you have great stories to tell forever).

And sometimes you don't have relationships! You just have one-night stands or date someone casually or make-out with someone in the bathroom at the local lesbian club. AND THAT'S OK, TOO. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't mean you're morally vacant or emotionally stunted or incapable of forming a connection with another human being.

Why does this matter? Because seeing your relationship with your true love / partner in cat-parenting as the be-all and end-all to the exclusion of all other relationships is stupid. It leads people to jump into relationships that are wrong for them (rather than just calling a spade a spade and being like, "hey, we're hooking up! AWESOME!"). Or dismiss past relationships as invalid or pointless (you learn all the time, lesbos. Even when you don't want to). And to see monogamous couplings as the kind of holy grail of the queer experience, which is limiting and maybe not everyone's cup of herbal Woman's Moon Cycle tea.

So, to reiterate: one-night stands are totally ok. Go forth and make love in this club, lesbros.

OMG The goddess is strong within me today!: Over-Sharing lesbians

Now lesbos, some of you may feel that we have covered over sharing in the things not to say on a first date chapter, but we feel the need to elaborate. Lesbians like to share feelings, and we are no exception to this rule. However, as silly as it may sound, there are times when you can share your feelings too much. Think about it and you'll know what I'm talking about. We all have that friend (or two or three) who put every single feeling that goes through their soul on their facebook or twitter page. So much so that you don't even need to wait for a sad text to know that they've broken up with their lady friend and/or hooked up with a hot new lady. If someone who you haven't spoken to in years (like your old high school chum), but who is your facebook pal, can tell your whole dating history solely based on status updates, then  you are probably guilty of over sharing.

Tip 1: Don't get sucked into your social media sites to the point of no return. If you are ever tempted to update your online accounts in ways similar to the following examples, just put down the laptop/cellphone and go do something else: read a cheesy novel, watch the L word (or Rizolli & Isles, the gayest show that was ever not gay), play softball, etc.

• Why am I so sad/angry/depressed/verklempt today? OMG!!
• I had the BEST DATE last night! She's a keeper!
• "So you say you don't want to stay together anymore" or any song lyrics that are posted passive-aggressively to one person in form of status update. Just don't put up song lyrics, ever. 
• Woke up in someone else's bed this morning LOL!!
• It's good to know who your real friends are. (again, passive-aggressiveness is annoying)
•  This too shall pass (with no explanation of the "this", because we all know no one really cares or understands)
• I miss my baby/love muffin/ honey pie/ cupcake
• Jesus/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster Rocks today!!!!
• I'm so drunk right now! Par-tay!
• I'm sooooo tired! (tagging your lady friend, so we all know what you were doing- it's gross)
• This sucks! (again, if you don't specify what the "this" is, you sound like an angsty teen, who as we discussed in a previous posts, are not hot)

Tip 2. Things you should never put on your facebook profile:

• Photos of you making out/ making googly eyes with your lady friend. You may think it's cute, but it's not. Don't be 12, take them down.
• Angsty music videos- see tip number 1
• Links to articles about  being broken-hearted after a break-up, or how love makes you live longer after meeting a new lady friend.

Tip 3: Email, text messages, and other private messages exist for a reason. If you are tempted to leave long love letters to your best lady friend, or emote about how much you miss her sweet lady kisses while you are at work, click that "message" button and put it to good use! No one else needs to read your confessions.

Inappropriate facebook wall posts to your lady friend/ too many words are bad:

1. Marry me baby! I want to be your life-mate!
2. You are my soulmate/soultwin/soulbond, I just love you so much!!!!!
3. I miss you more than words can say, I wish you were sitting right next to me right now :'(
4. Last night was soooooo fun ;-)
5. It was just one time! Forgive me?
6. Good news- the test results are negative! :-o

What you should do instead:

1. Propose in person, even if you're all hip with the technology and stuff, facebook proposals are tacky
2. Send an email or text!
3. I miss you! (simple, short, and acceptable if your lady friend has been gone for awhile, like a week at least)
4. Again- text message. Text message flirting is fun!
5. Cheating confessions should be made in person, not in a public forum
6. Um.... obviously, in person again.

Other times when you should keep things to yourself:

When you have been talking to a new lady for a short time, don't divulge all your secrets. You may have made it through your first date following Indigo Labrys' advice, but that doesn't mean you should overshare on date 2 or 3! For an example of what not to do, let me share with you a text message conversation I had with a lady (whom I hadn't met in person yet) which caused me to cringe in horror, and stop talking to her:

Inappropriate Girl: Hey [note- never just text "hey" to someone, even your good lady friend, it's annoying]

Me: hey, what's up [this was my error- never answer inane text messages, even when you're waiting in line for something and are really bored, as in my case]

[standard text message about what we were doing]

Inappropriate Girl: So, do you ever want to get married?

Me: [internally] !!!!!!! WTF this girl is cray-cray!!!!!!

Needless to say, I called a friend, who advised I tell Inappropriate Girl that was an uncool question, so she would learn the error of her ways. I did- she was displeased. And proceeded to post an over-share facebook status. I can't remember exactly, but I think it was to the effect of "Guess I have to move on now." [Please note, we had never spoken on the phone, let alone met in person, so I wasn't aware we were dating- see a future post on breaking up for more on this story]. I proceeded to ignore all her subsequent text messages. Let this be a lesson to you all, sistren. Marriage/children/commitment questions are never appropriate to ask to someone you are not actually dating/haven't been dating for more than a few months AT LEAST!!

To sum it up- your facebook wall/status updates are not a private love letter to your lady friend. Love letters can be fun, sweet, or sexy, but the point of them is they are PRIVATE between the TWO of you, not you and all of your hundreds of online pals. They don't want to know. No matter how happy you are, how much you want to shout from the rooftops about your lady love, keep it under control.

Student-teacher relationships, and why they should never happen

Have you watched "Loving Annabelle" and thought, hey, that looks sexy, I want to try that! We are here to tell you that while you are free to think that all you want sistren, actually doing so is wrong. Completely, and totally wrong. If you are not convinced purely by your undying trust in me alone, let me give you my reasons.

If you are a teacher:
Being educators ourselves, we cannot fathom why someone would find their student attractive. Students don't know things! This is why they are in your class! People who don't know things are not sexy! Lessons can be naughty fun in the bedroom, and innocently fun in the classroom, but the two are totally different and should NEVER meet. Ever. But I digress.

First, as lesbian sistren, you should already be aware of the ways power works in our society. When you are in a position of authority over someone, you have power over them, no matter how benevolent of a leader you strive to be. It is rapey to take advantage of this power and hit on a student. Even if that student is cute, or your age (or older even!), or is crushing on you too. There are policies and laws against such couplings for good reasons my friends!

"But what if they are really really cute and keep hitting on me, and I think we may be soulmates?" you may ask. Tough titty! As long as you are in charge of someone's grades, on their thesis committee, or too old to be in a legal relationship, it is never OK to act on these feelings. If you really think you're soulmates, then wait till you no longer have a working relationship with this person (assuming they are an adult capable of consent- if not, then you are gross and I no longer want to make you a friendship bracelet for reading this masterpiece). Then if the fires are still stoking both of your lady loins, go ahead and ask her to accompany you to a roller derby match.

My advice is to go meet some hot ladies online like normal people do, who are not in your classroom, and ride off into the sunset together. Or watch Xena.

If you are a student:
Are you secretly crushing on your teacher? It may not be as secret as you think, ladies always know about these things. So if your professor refuses to meet with you alone in her office, or always makes sure the door is wide open, she is probably protecting herself against claims of sexual harassment. It's perfectly fine to have a crush on your teacher, it can make class go by faster, and you'll probably get better grades because you're paying attention to every word she says (or that better be what you're paying attention to, young lady!). However, don't expect it to be returned. Hit on the cute nerdy girl who knows her stuff instead, then you can have sexy study dates instead of spending your time pining for someone who's unattainable.

If you find you just can't control yourself and must hit on your teacher, try to resist until after the grades are posted. Ladies should always show decorum, and you wouldn't want your potential love interest to think you're only hitting on her to get a better grade, would you? I didn't think so. As a lady lovin' lady, you should value deep, meaningful communication. Plus, later when you are processing the early beginnings of your relationship, you can talk about the agony of waiting- doesn't that sound fun?

Now if you're in the opposite situation and a teacher/professor is hitting on you, run. And report the bitch. Any professor/teacher/educator who would try to use their power (because no matter what they say, that's what's happening) to get laid, is gross, and you can do better. Much better. Consent and equal power in relationships is sexy, my dear sistren.

And lastly, please don't embarrass our kind and be the lesbian version of  Mary Kay Letourneau. Just don't.

Homo Depot, and How to Avoid It

There are two kinds of lesbians: those who live for hardware stores, and those who loathe them. If you are of the latter, this chapter is for you. If you're in the former group, skip on to another chapter while I talk to your lady friend.

Lesbian friends- I hate the homo depot, and all hardware stores, with a passion. Especially the big chainstore varieties. Why are they as big as a warehouse? Who could possibly need so many different kinds of nails? What is the point? Now if you love them and for some reason are still reading, I'm sure you're giving all kinds of practical reasons, home repair, better to do it yourself, blah blah blah, but I assure you, we don't care.

If you find yourself dragged to the hardware store by your enthusiastic significant other, here are my tips for you:

1. Whine incessantly. Sigh, pout, check your watch frequently. Lament about your sore joints from all the walking, the time you could be better spending browsing a bookstore/walking the dog/ feeding the cats (you know you  have a pet, come on now, all lesbians do)/practicing Indigo Girls songs/taking a long bubble bath. Do this enough, and the next time your lady friend needs a new power tool, she probably won't try to sneak in a trip before your trip to the grocery store for the lesbian potluck/ dog park/ gay dance party.
2. Play count the lesbian. Always a fun game in any situation, this becomes more fun in these environments. It has the added element of counting singles and couples, and then further couples with 2 happy hardware store shoppers, or 1 happy shopper and 1 miserable lady who was drug there like you. 
3. Make dirty jokes about all the names for things (screws! coupling! bushing! the possibilities are endless). If you can, take pictures of the boxes and giggle while standing close to your lady friend, giving onlookers no doubt that you are a couple. This can have a very similar effect to tip number 1, though instead of whining, you just embarrass her enough to not get included in the next shopping excursion. (See pictures below for evidence that I have done with this my lady friend, and it worked!)
4. Bargain. Where does she loathe going? The local co-op? The craft store? Softball games? Make her go to one of your faves and her nightmares for every time you are forced to look at wrenches or paint samples, and see how your trips reduce significantly. 

It's really that simple ladies! Just because it's a stereotype that lady lovers love Lowes, don't feel you have to conform.