300... Cats? Or why sistren-hood is so much better than straight-hood

Sistren, have you seen the news blowing up the interwebs, about a poor straight sistren trying to get her loser boyfriend to put a ring on it via sandwich? If not, check out this article, and prepare to be horrified. Basically, the loser boyfriend made some flippant douchey comment about her being 300 sandwiches away from a marriage proposal, and she took this as a challenge. There are so many things wrong with this, but we trust that our sistren can figure this out for themselves. As probably can most humans beyond the age of, oh, let's say 5, who have some basic understanding that relationships should be built on love and trust and not insane, asshole-ish requests.

One of Not Allured's school pals suggested we blog about it, and unlike a challenge of making 300 sandwiches to which we would never acquiesce, we decided we were up for this one.

A big take away from this article is this: if there were any better reason to embrace your sistren-ness/ abandon the drudgery of heteronormative marriage pressures, we have yet to see one. What could be more ridiculous/insulting/less relevant to a successful long-term relationship than having to make 300 sandwiches, especially when some are deemed only to count as a quarter of a sandwich? Or others are dismissed because they contain things the recipient had neglected to mention were on their forbidden foods list? While it is of course nice to take your special friend's likes and dislikes into consideration, there is a big difference between being considerate and being a doormat. So come one come all, ladies of marriageable age, we embrace you whether or not you a) want to get married, or b) can make us a sandwich.

But wait, you may be saying, what if I WANT to woo my special queer lady friend/boi with something, but they don't like sandwiches? What is a queer lady to do in this time of crisis? Especially one who wants to have an anti-wedding/ queer love celebration before aging out of my sperm donor pregnancy/ co-adoption/ peak pet parenting years?

Well fear not, sistren, as always we are hear to help you! Let us suggest alternate projects to woo your soul mate. Try one of these, and let us know how it goes!

1. 300 cats. It is a scientifically-proven fact that there is little queer ladies love more than cats! Show her you care by adopting 300 kittens! Though you may need to go to multiple shelters to get this many/ buy a bigger country home to house them all, it will be worth it!
   
   
   
   2. 300 flavors of kombucha. It's healthy, it's delicious, you can make it together, and it says crunchy granola love!
   
   
   
   3. 300 flannel shirts. Let's kick it old school and go with a classic lesbian fashion item! Even better, make it 600 so you and your special lady can match!!
   
   
   
   4. 300 pairs of outdoor sandals that can be worn on any occasion! I personally am a fan of Chacos and Keens, but I know some of my sistren love their Birks and Tevas.
   
   
   
   
   5. 300 serenades (preferably with a guitar or banjo, but a boombox "Say Anything" style will do) to the queer lady singer/songwriter of your choice. If you are new to sistren-hood and don't know who that means, may I suggest the classic Indigo Girls. There's also Brandi Carlisle, Tegan and Sara for a more pop-ish sound, or our personal favorite, Chris Pureka. (SWOON! I'd totally say yes to you Chris! What is your favorite sandwich??)
   
   
   
   Do you have suggestions for what 300 things would get your lady to the Domestic Partner alter? Let us know in the comments!

Lesbians, please stop embarrassing us!

Internet sistren, y'all are all kinds of crazy! And now I have clear evidence!

In case one of the two of you readers don't know this, the Librarian and I met online, on OK Cupid (or OKC for us frequent users). Yesterday I logged on to try to figure out how I could prevent lesbian-seeking dudes from trolling my profile. While I didn't manage that task, I found something else that made the effort to log on totally worth it: OK Cupid success stories! If you have an account, scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link, and prepare to be entertained!

But as well as being entertained, I was highly embarrassed by my sistren who submitted their stories. For the most part, it was filled with the insanity that is usually reserved for episodes of Lip Service (has anyone watched that? I made it through the first season and hated them all, so bad!) or a lesbian romance novel (check back soon for Indigo Labrys' post inspired by one of our recent reads!)

Because I can't begin to replicate the insanity that I saw on OKC, I'm just gonna go ahead and quote directly. Commentary is unnecessary, but I'm also gonna go ahead and comment, 'cause I have a lot of feelings. Mostly of rage and disappointment.

Many of the relationships included in the success stories started as long distance, some of them quite a long long distance, and resulting in u-hauling after a few days or months of dating. INSANE! Have fun with that when you realize you don't really know this person or anything about their living habits. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I suspect bitterness and resentment sets in.

Clearly, the OKC ladies need Indigo Labrys' and my advice! We are here to tell you what not to do when starting a relationship, and when creating your own relationship narrative. Do you want people to raise their eyebrows and avoid eye contact when you tell them your "how we met" story? I didn't think so.

Bad Example 1: Texts are not romantic

"Leaving that night, I knew that I loved her. 4 days later (15 days) after we met, Crazy Pants* told me that she loved me through a sequence of 3 text messages. Romantic? Yes because we did not know when we would be together again but we were both overwhelmed and overflowing."

* Name has been changed to reflect my feelings

Call me old fashioned, but saying I love you for the first time over a "sequence of 3 text messages" is not romantic, it's childish. Are we to assume the texts read "I" "Love" and "You?" Please. At least say it over the phone! Part of the cheesy awesomeness of your lady love saying those three words is hearing her voice actually SAY them.

Also- she said I love you 15 days after they met!!!! What in the world? Granted, I'm against revealing too much too soon (read previous post on Inappropriate Girl), but in what world is 15 days appropriate for love declarations? Ridiculous. Also, later in the story they say that they dated for 4 months, "tragedy struck" and they were apart for 2, but now they're totally on track and so in love and everything is super awesome now. Sure it is, kids, sure it is.

Bad Example 2: Don't put all your eggs in one basket

"I am so grateful for OkCupid! It gave me the love of my life, my wife, my baby's mother, my soul mate, my lover and friend, my everything and all. I met that one in a million that you only dream of sharing your life with." 

Wow, this lady has a lot of feelings. Please refer to our past posts that have mentioned other friends. These people are important to have in your life- putting all of your emotional needs into only one person can only lead to disaster!

Bad Example 3: Young lesbos, keep it classy

"‎The fact we're both still really young doesn't seem to have phased us, I don't think, plus the sex is completely brilliant and she causes me to have mind blowing orgasms every night. Oh yes, no lesbian bed death in this relationship." 

Ladies, when you're older and wiser and not 19 anymore, you may be embarrassed that you talked about your sex life so publicly. Remember our mantra, secret feelings should be secret. Also, drawing attention to your youth and how you totally know your honey is your soul mate even if you've only known each other a short time will only give people permission to mock you after your romance goes south.

Bad Example 4: Know your destination before you plan the road trip

‎"We would move in together in March of 09, me still thinking (in Feb 09) we were to be roommates when I finally just blurted out, "E, what are we exactly?"

I have so many feelings about this one! Now, as many lesbians know, it can at times be hard to tell if it's just coffee or if it's a date, so much so that that phrase is a joke and the title of a lesbian dating book. But knowing whether you're girlfriends, or just friends, or friends with benefits that could lead to more commitment, or friends who occasionally flirt or hook up when single should definitely be a requirement before deciding to move in together. You'd think this would be obvious to everyone, but apparently at least 2  lesbians are struggling with this basic concept. With their great communication skills, I predict only sunshine and roses in their future!

Bad Example 5 and 6: If you're going to submit a story, at least learn how to write a proper sentence/ something that doesn't sound like Twilight fanfic.

‎"We met on February 6th 2009 we were supposed to meet the Friday before Valentine's Day but my friend Totally-Unnecessary-to-the-Story* was going to Austin for the weekend and asked if I would like to tag along."

As I used to teach my students, only include things that support your thesis. Do we need to know about TUthS and her trip to Austin? Did something happen there relevant to your new relationship? I didn't think so.

 "Without realization, I appeared at her front step with my stomach in my throat. A 5'3" beautiful girl approached my sight and my palms started loosening the grip it had clenched to the phone I had tightly squeezed in my hand. Trying to distract myself from staring, I dropped eye contact and started to become very silent. The anticipation I had built up towards her was tumbling in my stomach, making my hands become very shaky, too shaky for me to hide. I finally built up the confidence to grab her and pull her soft lips into mine."

So many things are bad in this paragraph, but I'll just point out one. Now baby gay, I can see that you're trying to make this sound all cool and romantic. But "pull her soft lips into mine" is just not a sexy image. Are you tugging them with your hand? Are your lips gigantic suctions cups? Are they magnets? Are you those sad people on that Virgin Diaries show who look like they're eating each others' faces? Try again.

If you MUST share your love story with the interwebs, please consider these guidelines:

• Wait until your relationship actually counts as long term. Just a hint, 4 months is not long term. Especially if you live in totally different places/ have only seen each other a few times/ only say I love you over text messages.
• Don't talk about your sexy times. No one wants to hear that. Do you want your mother/boss/thesis advisor accidentally finding it? I hope not.
• Please, please refrain from using the terms "soul mate" or "love of my life." I beg you! Just don't.
• Don't use this posting as an attempt to justify your relationship. If it's real, you don't need validation via a public posting or "OMG I love her SO MUCH!!!!! My babykins is the most perfect woman ever in the world for me!!!!" It just makes it obvious that you're trying too hard.
• And please don't be a stereotype. I mean, clearly most of the lesbians who submitted stories are not mature adults, but baby lesbos, consult one of your elders before declaring your 2-month story of love to the universe.
• Do share the cute story about how you met/ got engayged, etc., but leave out all the fluff/ attempts at being artsy. No one cares about that stuff, they just wanna hear about you. As one who is guilty of being a sucker for these types of things, I speak from experience.

The Librarian and I are considering submitting a success story for the sole purpose of counteracting some of the insanity. Here's what I'm thinking so far:

"Despite her bad choice in wearing a non-date sweater to our first meeting, we went on a second date and I realized OMG SHE IS TOTALLY MY SOUL MATE FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!"

Just kidding.

An Update from Baby Gay

I am happy to report this text convo between my favorite baby gay and I:

me: So did your girlfriend still get your name tattooed? I hope not :-) 

Baby Gay: No. She decided she wanted to "wait" .. :\ 6:43 PM

Me: haha- thank goodness! let me know if she wants to move in so we can talk exit strategy :-) 6:43 PM

Baby Gay: Lol. Okay

THANK THE GODDESS!!!

Captive Hearts

Captive Hearts: How Your Girlfriend is like a Cat

 

As many of our readers know, there is very little that Not Allured and I love more than our lady friends and our cats. Recently, my lady friend and I had the opportunity to cat-sit for Not Allured and her girlfriend, the Librarian. We were charged with taking care of Not Allured’s stepcat, Cat-Megan. While the Librarian claims that Cat-Megan is a sweet creature of an angelic temperament, we saw no evidence to support her obviously spurious claims. 

Cat-Megan spent many hours stalking my lady-friend and me; when we ran upstairs to clean her litterbox, she would follow us up and sit on the landing, waiting to pounce upon our feet while hissing crazily. I attempted to dissuade her from this by waving a washcloth in her face, but she took it away and then attacked my feet with even more rage. In addition to pouncing whenever we came within three feet of her, she became increasingly distressed when we made eye contact with her. By the end of the first day, we were afraid to walk past her, and began avoiding any room she occupied. 

But my ladyfriend and I were determined to free ourselves from Cat-Megan’s reign of furry terror. We decided to take measures to launch a counterstrike. And it was during Operation Enduring Lesbian Freedom that I discovered something both beautiful and terrible: winning the affections (or at least, toleration) of a cat is not unlike finding a girlfriend. 

Here are some incontrovertible proofs (and ways to woo yourself a lady friend who will be your companion animal FOR LIFE):

(1)   It is easier to make friends with cats and ladies when both are feeling vulnerable. Cat-Megan, for example, was very distressed because both the Librarian and Not Allured were nowhere to be found, and she is a highly sociable kitty. After 24 -48 hours of no attention and no petting, Cat-Megan was feeling lost and forlorn and was thus ready for us to go in for the kill. This is not unlike when the object of your affections has gone through a rough break-up; now is the time to make your move, sistren! Do it while she’s emotionally vulnerable and scared that she’ll never get petted again.

(2)   Food is a useful albeit creepy way to achieve closeness. Cat-Megan ran from our touch whenever we attempted to pet her, but sought us out when she was hungry. As long as she was hungry, we could pet her for a good 30 seconds at a time before she realized she wasn’t getting fed and ran away. When we put down food for her, we could pet her for exactly as long as it took for her to wolf down her dinner. Likewise, ladies also like food – as you will remember, the Librarian purchased her first veggie cookbook when she began dating our sistren, Not Allured. I like to take this a step further, however, and plan really heavy foods for the first date; my lady friend is particularly susceptible to this, and will often succumb to a post-prandial nap, thus allowing me to sniff her hair and cut locks of it for my special memory box. If it’s a particularly heavy food, like a dozen potatoes, I can be assured of several hours of quality hair-smelling and face-stroking.

(3)   Be emotionally withholding. Cats hate it when you’re interested in them; when you run after them with your arms outstretched screaming “CUDDLES!” they freak the fuck out and hide under the bed. Women will pretty much do the same thing, except for that they won’t be anywhere near your bed. If you’re emotionally withholding, though, you can lure those sly pussies out from their hidey-holes and stroke them to your heart’s content. 

(4)   Much like your cat, girlfriends are also cutest and most loveable in the earliest stages of your relationship. Make sure to appreciate your girlfriend’s “kitten phase” while it lasts; help her use up that boundless kitten energy and play with her as much as she wants! Eventually, that kitten phase will end, and she will just want to sleep on your couch all the time.

(5)   Like a kitty, your girlfriend may want to prowl around at all hours of the night. Kitties are easily lured away from your warm, comfortable home by the promise of new sights and smells, like line-dancing and booze at the local gay bar. Make it clear to your kitty that chasing tail is strictly prohibited, and that you will lock her out of the house and take away all her nice wet food if she strays. Unless of course you are in an open relationship with your cat. 

(6)   Kitties go crazy for wet food. They find a dry meal incredibly unappetizing because, like your girlfriend, they are carnivores at heart. Open your cans early and often. 

So there you have it. Six ways that demonstrate how cats and lesbians are kindred spirits. Now go make her purr, ladies.

Just Say No to Name Tattoos

Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.

Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.

This was our conversation in a nutshell:

Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.

Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!



Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?

Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.

Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.

This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?

So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.

And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.

And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.

Face Off

Hello, lesbians.

Let's talk about internet dating.

Since I moved to North Cackalacky, I have been an internet dating machine - not only because I am a skankypants and a massive procrastinator, but because it has by far been the most effective way for me to make friends in the area with as little effort as possible. Never before has it been this easy for me - and you, and lesbians everywhere - to locate potential gal pals and then vet them without investing precious time and energy or losing your dignity. Never again will you pick up a cute lady at the bar to find out she doesn't read and is as dumb as a bag of hair. (True story). 

However! This does not mean that internet dating is without its dangers. Perils abound! People lie all the time and try to play to your expectations (it's like a job interview ... for your bed). How can you combat their tricksy lies and schemes? There is a way out: be a good reader of internet dating profiles. Treat each profile like it's a poetry assignment from your 10th grade English teacher and close read that shit.

Thanks to my time procrastinating at OKC (and match.com, and tangowire, and plentyoffish, and planetout), here are some things to watch out for:

(1) Let's start at the beginning: profile pictures. I have included an illustrated guide to what NOT to do in your profile picture. Do not: include photos that don't actually look like you. While I know that you (like me) are probably a beautiful iridescent butterfly whose charms are much more apparent while you're flitting around effortlessly in life and thus cannot be captured by a camera, some photos will look more like you than others. Choose these photos. Do not select photos from your short-lived career as a teen model, from your infancy, or from (if you are me) that time that you used to wear a lot of tie-dye. Not only will you be harder to find should you meet up, but you might really be disappointing any dates who are tie-dye aficionados, a style from which you have since moved on.

You should also choose pictures in which you are visible: even if you love your cat, try to avoid pictures in which your entire face is obscured by your cat / dog / fishbowl; additionally, and this seems to be especially problematic for lesbians, DON'T choose that picture of you doing something outdoors with a bunch of trees. Not only are you wearing sunglasses and a helmet and a bodysuit, you're cycling so fast you're slightly blurry. Goddammit.

(2) Be wary of the following: anyone who says they don't like drama, anyone who says that they do like drama, anyone who says that they're over their ex and ready to move on. (Respectively, these can be translated as, "I am a magnet for drama but lack the self-awareness to know / fix this," "I'm fucking insane, and "If I were over my ex, I probably wouldn't need to state this.")

(3) This is more of a personal pet peeve, but anyone whose favorite books are all books that they read in high school. Because this means that the last book that you read was in high school. (e.g. "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Nine Coaches Waiting," "Macbeth," "The Scarlet Letter," and "The Pearl" - omg, did you go to my high school?! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!)

(4) Be wary of: these two words! "Ayn Rand." Just close that window, now. (Unless you like Ayn Rand, in which case, why are you reading my website? Don't you have a busy schedule of complaining about how you're being oppressed by the needs of others?)

(5) Be wary of: anyone who doesn't "believe" in either evolution or dinosaurs. (It's a belief, y'all). Anyone who thinks either interracial marriage or homosexuality is wrong. (Also an okc question, wtf). (AND I HAVE BEEN MESSAGED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE ALL THESE THINGS).

(6) Be wary of: anyone who describes their love for cats as "intense." (I just saw this on an okc profile and it's beautiful but mostly terrifying).

Anything I'm missing? I'd like to close with this picture of me, which I have never used on an internet dating profile, ever.

Aaaand, you're welcome. PS - Thanks to "Not Allured" and Danae for the blog fodder.

That's Not My Name

... or, Words with (Lady)Friends.

I was out for a hike with Not Allured and our mutual ladyfriends the other week, and though we spent a good hour or two discussing Chris Pureka's many charms (call either of us, CP! We will never make you take the pictures down!), we eventually moved on to talking about sexytimes. (A pretty natural segue, I'm sure you agree, unless you are (a) crazy and (b) wrong all the time).

If you've been following our blog - and more importantly, following our advice - maybe you are ready to take things in this new direction - the direction of the boudoir.

I'm sure you know what to do when you get there, but do you know what to say? Queer ladies can be a communicative bunch, and it's important to note that processing, like cats, does not always belong in the bedroom.

To help a sistren out, here are some things you may not want to say:

(1) Someone else's name. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't always. Try especially to avoid the following names: your exes, your relatives, her exes, her relatives, or your cats.

(2) Things that are not relevant to getting in her pants. Avoid mentioning your plans to visit the Homo Depot tomorrow morning (unless you are going to make an erotic adventure out of it, as Not Allured has suggested previously), where you'd like to hang your new curtains (references to her curtains are obviously acceptable), or reminding her to take the chicken breasts out of the freezer (you can figure out the exception for yourselves here).

(3) Anything like this: "I can see myself falling in love with you" - you are (hopefully) riding a post-coital high, are probably (a) happy or (b) sleepy, and thus should refrain from making declarations of love until after you've come down (heh heh) a bit.

(4) Hand-balling. Or "Needs more Crisco." (See Sapphistry for further horrifying details).

(5) Any of the following: "Show me your catdance," "My twat is still vibrating," "let me run my tongue up deep into your hive," "tender and swallowing walls," "Just relax and it will burn real good," and "Relax, it was only E".

(6) "I want to make a baby with you" "I have a sperm donor on speed dial!"

(7) "Smile for the camera!"

(8) "My husband/boyfriend/partner will be back soon, but he's cool with it. He'd like to join too, if you're into it."

(9) "Hey, did you know you have a hair here? I hear electrolysis will take care of that."

(10) "Who's ______?"- when reading the name tattooed on their bicep

(11) "No  kitty! Bad kitty!"

(12) Anything from a lesbian romance novel or lesbian film. Or song. Or poem. Our sistren cannot be trusted for sweet nothing suggestions- and these should be personal anyway, so your ladyfriend knows it is she that you treasure, not trite phrases.

(13) "What do you mean it doesn't fit? It fit my ex-girlfriend just fine! She loved it!"

(14) "Um, what are the symptoms for ____? Cause I think I see one." (actually, if you see something, you should probably just stop what you're doing or only continue with extreme caution.)

(15) "Hey, from this angle you look kinda like my mom/sister/ex."

Further suggestions?

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

Ladies, a few moon cycles ago Indigo Labrys and I were talking about the dating woes of our past and decided it was time we addressed this important topic: mixed v. clear signals. Have you been out on a date with a hot lady and thought, "surely she wants me for my smooth intellect and my dashing good looks," only to never hear from her again? What is a lady to do?

First of all, we recommend leading by example. We're going to share some "do nots" (AKA mixed signals) and "dos" (clear signals!). These examples may or may not come from our own personal experiences... that can be a fun guessing game for you! (We wrote this one together, as we both have things to share- hypothetically, that is.)

Mixed Signals:

• Sending her poems - about the internet (see previous post on pitching woo)
• Happily agreeing to hang out all the time, but only when SHE asks YOU- you never call her to hang out
• Acting cuddly in private but aloof in public- or vice versa
• Sending mildly flirtatious texts/letters and packages filled with fun things you found in the library/ long chatty emails, but later claiming that these were just meant in friendship, and you totally always write cute letters on beer coasters to casual acquaintances and didn't meant anything by it at all (hypothetically speaking, of course)
• Dancing all sexy-like with a lady and then leaving her high and dry
• Saying you don't want to be "girlfriends" but you don't want to date or sleep with anyone else, and aren't looking either. Meanwhile, you're calling her your girlfriend to other people when she's not around, but being very adamant that SHE shouldn't use that word to describe YOU.  (again, purely hypothetical here)
• Telling her that you're totally over your ex and available for a relationship when mementos of your ex litter your house and in fact outnumber the stars (again, totally hypothetical)
  
• When you scoot close to your potential squeeze and she immediately moves away like she's being burned with hot pokers (this has happened and she WAS interested)
• Asking you out on a date but inviting her ex-girlfriend along (because she called and didn't have anything to do! it makes PERFECT sense!)
• When your lady invites you to meet her family because you're so super serious and then breaks up with you shortly after.
• When you go from making sweet sweet love to suddenly becoming very busy with (school)work. And then you stop communicating with your ladyfriend but pretend everything is fine, you're just tired, God. And then she sends you a message and is like, "Are you breaking up with me by avoiding me?" And that's how you know you've been sending mixed signals.
  

Clear signals that say "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond!":

• Sending her poems about ladies doing each other, with a note about how you would like to act this out with a special someone
• Asking her out. Now we are well aware that it is difficult to tell if it is coffee or a date, but making it clear that you are asking her on a date is always a good idea in our eyes. That way, if she doesn't want to date you and would rather it just be coffee, she can say so. You may have a moment of awkwardness, but due to the magic of lesbian sisterhood, you'll be back to enjoying your knitting circle as if nothing happened soon enough. (hmm, perhaps a future post on asking a lady out, tips and suggestions?)
• Telling her she's cute, finding excuses to touch her arm, buying her a drink = all good signs to show interest. Now if it's at a lady's birthday party and everyone is buying her a drink you may have to step it up a notch to make her realize your intentions, but we have confidence in you.
• Saying, "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond."
• Dedicating karaoke songs to her, posting sexy little ditties on her facebook wall that make your interest clear, like "I Touch Myself" or something. (And not, for example, "Separate Ways," which one of our ladies totally sang when we went out for karaoke together, and which the author took as a sign of DISinterest).
  

Clear signals that say "I am not interested in touching your ({})":

• When a lady leans in for a hug, taking a large step back and giving a wave clearly shows you are not interested in going past the friend zone (Not that this has happened to one of us, or anything. Never.)
• Similarly, if you're not interested, talking about another girl you think is cute (even if you're embellishing) will signal to her that you're not interested in the lady right in front of you, and can prevent someone you don't want to touch ({}) with from asking you out. Unless they're one of those who likes to play games... but that kind of insanity goes beyond our advice-giving abilities. We're simple when it comes to these things.
• If she asks you out and you're just not that into her (to borrow a phrase), just say no thank you. Don't be rude, but don't say yes and get yourself into a sticky situation later when she tries to put the moves on

So ladies, we beg of you, for the good of sisterhood don't play games with your love interests. Save those for the bedroom.

One Night Stand = FUN night ... stand ...

So as all four of the readers of this blog know, Not Allured and I really love us some lesbian romance novels.

Lesbian romance novels are a subject that is really close to my heart. Sometimes, even closer than cats. And while lesbian romance novels open up whole new worlds of lesbian goodness in the form of Xena-ubers, shudder-inducing depictions of sexytimes (see "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit You Should Not Put in Your Vagina" and let your imagination run wild), and heartwarming tales of emotional pain had and healed, they also have develop some themes I find absolutely maddening.

Such as their inexplicable hatred of the one-night stand. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I read about a one-night stand in a lesbian romance novel that was (a) portrayed positively and (b) did not turn into an insta-relationship I still wouldn't have a single fucking dollar. It's like an unwritten rule that all lesbian romance novels mysteriously follow, kind of like when I walked into a lesbian bar for the first time and everyone started line-dancing at the exact same time for no particular reason.

In lesbian romance novels, the one-night stand functions as an opportunity for the lead alpha female (usually Xena in any of her beautiful and varied manifestations) to punish herself for her past crimes (failing to save her partner in Vietnam, that patient who died on the operating table, or when she accidentally shot her sister with a gun - whatever causes her secret pain). It's a way for her to avoid forming any sort of meaningful emotional connection because she can never let anyone get close to her ever again. And inevitably, by the end of the novel, Xena is able to realize that with the love of a good woman, she can forgive herself and move past her angst-riddled past.

Usually this happens during Xena and Gabrielle's first time, when Xena realizes that she's never known love like this before. All of those other sexytime encounters with ladies were totally devoid of meaning and they were probably just using her for her money / good looks / power anyway. (And if it's Xena, it's usually all three). Once you meet the love of your life!11! everything else falls into its proper perspective (which is to say, you realize how pointless and awful every part of your life up until this moment! is).

(If you want a visual of my face right now, it looks like this: FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE. FLAMES).

Here's the thing, though - this trend annoys me in books because it's an attitude that way too many folks in real life express. (I know, imagine that! Books have something to do with real life? This shit is CRAZY, yo). (Also, you know who you are. ::glares::). It drives me absolutely batshit crazy when people are all like, "My previous relationships were totally meaningless, except for the part where they brought us together, cuddlebunny." Or like, "I've never really loved anyone ... (dramatic pause) ... until I loved you." Because what they're really saying when they say this is "You are the love of my life. Everything else before you was a dirty, fiendish LIE!"

I call bullshit. Because, for realz, there are lots of different relationships you can have. Sometimes you have relationships with people who would have been perfect for you if you'd met at the right time. Sometimes you have relationships with people who work for you at that time and place, but they aren't your forever home. And sometimes you just have relationships with people who are absofuckinglutely insane. (And that's ok too, because then you have great stories to tell forever).

And sometimes you don't have relationships! You just have one-night stands or date someone casually or make-out with someone in the bathroom at the local lesbian club. AND THAT'S OK, TOO. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't mean you're morally vacant or emotionally stunted or incapable of forming a connection with another human being.

Why does this matter? Because seeing your relationship with your true love / partner in cat-parenting as the be-all and end-all to the exclusion of all other relationships is stupid. It leads people to jump into relationships that are wrong for them (rather than just calling a spade a spade and being like, "hey, we're hooking up! AWESOME!"). Or dismiss past relationships as invalid or pointless (you learn all the time, lesbos. Even when you don't want to). And to see monogamous couplings as the kind of holy grail of the queer experience, which is limiting and maybe not everyone's cup of herbal Woman's Moon Cycle tea.

So, to reiterate: one-night stands are totally ok. Go forth and make love in this club, lesbros.

Late Bloomers: Lesbian Puberty

Some of my sistren have known they're gay from birth, or pretty close to it. They went through their formative years rolling their eyes (or pretending to care) when their straight friends went all boy crazy in elementary/middle school, all the while knowing that greener grass was just over the fence. Now sistren, I too rolled my eyes, but I had no idea that it was because I was a gay lady. I just thought I didn't care about boys; I didn't know I really liked girls. Ah well, we each have our own gay journey towards enlightenment.

I know what you're thinking- but Not Allured, you're SO GAY! Like SUPER gay! Yes sistren it is true, but until my early-mid 20's, I had not come to this self-realization yet, and even (gasp!) dated a few of the not-so-fairer sex. And these weren't horrifying experiences, I just came away from them with a feeling of "meh, I can skip that." (Much like the feeling I had looking at the non-date sweater, but thankfully that sweater had an awesome lady inside, which made up for its appearance).

For those of you who came out later in life, you probably went through lesbian puberty. You know, that time all your friends went through in junior high when they were giggling over boys and making you look at posters of Justin Taylor Thomas/Timberlake/Bieber, whichever the case may be, and obsessed over their crushes while you just tried to understand what all the fuss was about. Well, now that you've figured out that you're batting for the other team, you finally get it, and want to make an even bigger fuss about it. Yay fun times! I was discussing this with a straight friend recently, and she was horrified at Indigo Labrys's and my nonchalant discussion of this phenomenon. "But puberty sucks!" she proclaimed. "That sounds terrible!" We assured her that it was not so, for these reasons:

1. Your body has already changed! Your skin is clearer, your haircut is better, and your mom didn't pick out your outfit (hopefully). No worries here- you've already got it, and can flaunt it at will.
2. You may have already had some dating experience, so you have more of a clue of what you're doing (though hetero dating isn't exactly equivalent, you can use this formative experience to your advantage!)
3. You are older and wiser, and fingers crossed, can make slightly-less-awkward first date small talk (though who are we kidding, first date small talk is awkward by definition)
4. You FINALLY get what the big deal is, after hearing your non-sistren friends gush about cute boys for years. Now you can join in and gush about cute girls, which is way more fun.
5. You hopefully don't live at your parents' house, so it makes the potential for apres-date romance much higher, and classier! No making out in cars for you, newly out lesbian.
6. You get to experience butterflies in the stomach and all those goofy feelings, which are fun no matter how old you are.
7. You've done your homework and watched the L Word/ bad lesbian movies, and thus have had a distorted though possibly helpful preview of lez-sexy times
8. You know a thing or two about ladies, as you are one yourself. You may not understand them, but you are aware of this and have accepted it.
9. You're probably over 21 so can hop on over to a lady bar and grab a little liquid courage while checking out the hotties on the dance floor.
10. If your other friends are straight/ figured out they were gay before they finished teething, they can help you in your lady-lovin' quest and be a means of moral support. My friends were pretty awesome during this period of my life- thanks pals!

However sistren, don't get too carried away! Beware of these faux-pas:

1. Don't be too eager. The first (or several) ladies you meet may not be compatible with you, so don't try to force yourself on someone just because they're a lady-lovin' lady.
2. Don't jump for the first lady who'll have you, either. You're older and wiser, take your time choosing your new life companion.
3. Don't be a douche. You don't get to act like a teenager just because you're going through lesbian puberty. Don't date multiple people without telling them, don't get drunk and try to make out with your friend's girlfriend, don't wake up in someone else's bed and wonder how the heck you got there. Be cool.
4. Don't be dumb- safe sex is sexy. You don't have the excuse of youth and crappy sex-ed classes to make poor decisions, get yourself edumacated.
5. Don't be an ass. Review Indigo Labrys' tips for surviving a first date, and charm them with your suave self. 
6. Don't try to dress like Shane. Because you'll be spotted as a newbie immediately.
7. Don't try to be "the most lesbianest lesbian that was ever lesbian," and suddenly get all more-lesbian-than-thou, judging your bisexual/queer/straight/trans friends as not as cool as you
8. Don't try to force your other queer-but-don't-know-it friends (or really cute straight girls) out of the closet- each in their own time, sistren.
9. Don't immediately take up: softball, cat herding, poetry writing, drum circle playing, potluck attending, homo depot shopping, spoken word performing, interpretive dancing, etc., unless you actually enjoy these activities.
10. Don't feel like you have to rearrange your whole life just because you came out- you're still you! Unless you were previously a nun or fundamentalist, in which case complete change is probably necessary.

So if you feel like you're a little tardy to the party, don't stress. The lady train is always boarding.

Cats Don't Belong in the Bedroom

Don't get me wrong; I love my cats.

And there are many places cats belong: on your couch, on your bookshelves, in any crinkly bag, on top of your papers, in the last place you look, and in your heart.

But they do not belong in your bedroom.

I'm going to help you get a sense of your boundaries first by providing you with the following questions. Answer honestly, or you won't be able to learn and grow from this experience.

(1) How many times have you begun to look tenderly into your lover's eyes and smooth back the hair from her forehead as you lean in to kiss her ripe, luscious mouth, when all of the sudden, your cats show up for some untimely petting action?

(2) How many times have you felt a pair of eyes on you in the boudoir that did not belong to your woman?

(3) How many times have you been in the throes of ecstasy when, between your murmured endearments and cries of pleasure, you became aware of an approving purr emerging from your ever watchful cats?

(4) How many times have you felt the sharp claws of a she-beast slash kitten rake your bare back as you make sweet sweet love?

(5) Has your lovemaking ever been disturbed by a cat landing on your face?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe or it wasn't my face, you have a problem. And I am here to help you. As the proud guardian of two cats, I too have had to deal with the always sensitive issue of cats in the bedroom. Many lesbians are very attached to their cats, after all, and some people take it badly when you ask them if Fluffykins could maybe sit this one out or if they wouldn't mind moving the litterbox from the bedroom so you don't have to listen to cats shuffling around in there while you make sweet lesbian love.

These people are (obviously) wrong.

Why does this happen? Like many of our other posts, this problem occurs because of a lack of respect for boundaries. There is a time and a place for cats (most of the time, and everywhere but your bedroom, respectively). Respect these boundaries and you won't have to worry about any of getting your back clawed off when you go downtown, or hearing anything during sex except the slick beats of Melissa Ferrick's "Drive" (or when you lover accidentally calls out for Rachel Maddow).

Nothing is more of a turn-off in bed than realizing there's more than two people in this relationship - and some of them are cats.

Wanna go back to my place? Preparing your boudoir for a lady friend.

A few days ago, I was watching a terrible typical lesbian movie with Indigo Labrys, Amy Ray, The Librarian, and other sistren friends, and Indigo Labrys and I had another brainstorm. Early in the "film," the main character brings a lady back to her abode. First, she does an unfortunate "sexy" dance in front of her headlights after she pulls into her driveway (don't do that, sistren) and then brings her into her house and her bedroom. It was atrocious! Clothes all over the bed! Props on the bed! Not good!

When you bring a lady over to your home for the first time, be prepared. Even if you think you're just meeting for coffee, or you're just going out to the lady bar to play darts, it's always my motto to be prepared just in case. (I was a Girl Scout, you know). It doesn't have to be so clean you could eat off the floor, but you don't want it to look like something's been nesting in there either. Next time you think there's a chance that a lady could be joining you for the evening, consider these points:

1. Don't have any barriers on the bed. Don't go all Tegan and Sara and "build a wall of books between [you] in your bed," save that for after you've u-hauled and grown bored. Don't leave books, remnants of your midnight snack, or discarded clothes from when you were deciding what to wear (because I'm assuming you followed my advice and did not go out in your track pants).  Throwing your lady on it in fit of passion stops being sexy when she gets all bruised from the crap you forgot you left there.
2. Don't leave your "marriage aids" out. This doesn't mean you can't use them right away if the mood strikes the two of you, but leaving them on your nightstand makes you look too eager.
3. Don't have a bunch of super-coupley pictures of you and your ex ladyfriend sitting around your bedroom, especially if they are in heart shaped picture frames that say "Lovahs4Life" or something. Now if you're polyamorous, your new partner knows this, and the pics are of your current lady (or ladies) I suppose this is OK, though it still might kill the mood.
4. Make sure you can have private sexy times. If you live with roommates, be sure they're cool. It can be awkward to have a lady over and have to traipse past your housemates first and make small talk. Hopefully you have a separate room (dorm children, I feel for you) and door with a lock! And some music on so you can whisper sweet nothings without your housemates overhearing. 
5. Make sure the sheets are clean. I mean, I hope you'd know that, but you can never be sure.

Keep it classy ladies! Don't bring your future soul-mate or one-night stand to a pigsty. Rats' nests are not sexy, and no one wants to worry about getting a disease or an injury from laying on your bed. You want ladies to flock to you, not suddenly make excuses about having to wake up early/ write a paper/ re-alphabetize their lesbian movie collection as soon as they see where you are going to put on the moves.

You're not going to wear that, are you?

Ladies, I am no fashionista, but sometimes the wardrobe choices of my lesbo sistren distress me. When I first realized I was batting for the other team, I was living in Japan, where fashion is on a whole other plane of spiritual existence. This was the time where I went from wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time to wearing sequins and legwarmers (I'm mostly back to T-shirts and jeans again, in case you were wondering. But I do love my big dangly earrings.) When I got back to my 'Merikan homeland, I was bored with the way people dressed. Fleece jackets, jeans, and ponytails 24/7? Snore. (Some of you may guess what part of our fair nation I returned to based on this categorization alone! And you're probably right. Assuming someone other than our lady friends reads this....)

Anyway, I went to my first 'Merikan lady bar, all excited to be with  my kind and being able to converse with all in my native language, only to be horrified by what some chose to wear. Track pants? Sweats? We were out. At a club. Did this not mean a little effort was necessary? Imagine my distress when I got sneered at by a few girls, and "straight girl" was whispered, as if 1) that were an insult and 2) my girly-ish clothing and the fact that it had taken me 20 instead of 5 minutes to get ready banned me from the club. I was miffed, to say the least. (Don't worry sistren- later, I found another queer club in the same fair city that was lovely, and had people who dressed like they were going dancing, not to a softball game, and weren't so surly, and I was as happy as could be.)

All of a sudden I was being labeled as a "femme," when no one had every called me feminine in my life. I was the girl who did all the stereotypical girly after-school activities- piano lessons! ballet class! girl scouts! (does that one count?)- but was always seen as kind of a tom boy. This was probably because I got mad at anti-feminist behavior, and didn't giggle when a boy tried to flirt with me. But I'm getting off topic. Anyway, apparently in lesbian world, femme meant that you put in a small amount of effort to your appearance. I mean, I don't wear makeup, but I do use hair product, is that why I was femme? I like to wear dresses sometimes? I don't wear hoodies and a baseball cap to a bar? Unless it's my hat that says T.W.A.T. TEAM, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do. That one is a classic lesbian bar hat! Don't you agree?

So while I don't really get the whole butch/femme thing that some people still ascribe to, I do have strong feelings about what you should and should not wear when you go out with the specific purpose of meeting/impressing a lady friend. I seem to get this penchant for judging others' wardrobe choices from my father. For a man who will wear a T-shirt until it has holes all over it, and wears socks with sandals, he always has a lot to say about other peoples' fashion decisions. Therefore, this trait is genetic, and totally excusable.

Getting back to my tale, a few months ago my lady friend and I were having lunch with "Amy Ray," and reminiscing about our first date. I say that the first time we met in person was our first date, though my lady friend, we'll call her "The Librarian" (guess who named this blog?), claims that it was not a date as we were just  meeting for coffee, and maybe dinner if we decided we liked each other and weren't insane. We did, and we weren't, and one date later decided we "liked liked" each other, and the rest is history. Obviously, I argued that that first meeting was a date, as we had been sending semi-flirtatious messages back and forth, and were meeting for the intention of seeing if we wanted to date. The Librarian claimed that if we hadn't liked each other, it wouldn't be a date. I countered that yes it would have, it would have just been a bad date, as Indigo Labrys has chronicled so humorously.

The whole point of sharing our bickering conversation is that I also pointed out that she wore a non-date sweater, which should have been a no-no since it was our first date, and you should dress to impress. Now ladies, it was December and very cold, and I do love a good sweater. I had on one myself! But the one she wore was frumpy, very boxy and did nothing for her shape, and made my first visual impression one of "meh" instead of "who is that sexy lady I get to have coffee with now?" It looked like one of those Scandinavian style ones that are meant to be worn on the slopes.

I tried to find the exact sweater in question, but apparently it is packed away somewhere. As it should be.

Ladies. this "meh" is not the reaction you should be going for! Obviously I found her personality charming, but what if you are a shy lady whose personality can not shine through a frumpy outfit? What if you are on a date with someone who needs that physical attraction with the mental attraction right from the start? (Not that I used to be like that or anything, not me!)

I'm not saying you have to look like you stepped off the runway- that would be off putting to most too. Just put in some effort. A clean shirt, at least. (The Librarian just read this, and wanted me to assert that her sweater was not dirty on the date in question- she does believe in cleanliness, thank the Goddess). One that doesn't make you look like a disgruntled housewife. You don't have to look like you're trying too hard, but what could be more flattering on a first date (because no matter what The Librarian claims, that is what we were on!!) than a clear signal to your potential life-mate that you care enough about your first meeting to at least take a second glance in the mirror on your way out.

And, as Indigo Labrys mentioned, I also don't recommend wearing outfits that are all tie-dyed and would get you nominated for that show What Not to Wear. Seriously, she totally told me that she had an outfit like this in her younger days, and I totally  just saw someone with that on the show. Not that I'm not guilty of this- when I lived in Japan, I also couldn't really  buy pants there, so I had a pair of jeans that I wore WAY too long, to the point of having frayed patches in the crotch region. I wore this pair of jeans in public all the time! Yikes! But you know when I wouldn't have worn them? On a first date! Or any date!

So ladies, don't wear a non-date sweater to meet your lady friend. Step it up a notch.

Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do

So, just the other day, my co-blogger Allure asked when my ladyfriend (hereafter referred to as "Amy Ray") and I started flirting with each other. And while Allure and I had explored several conundrums that afternoon - is it a date or a friend-date? what does a date sweater look like? can I ever wear tie-dye pants again? can I wear them ironically? - none was more difficult than determining when my ladyfriend, "Amy Ray," and I began dancing the ancient dance of lesbian flirtation.

I knew when I had begun pulling her metaphorical pigtails. But, like so many lesbians, I had no idea if she was interested in me. The only reason I asked "Amy" out was because my sister, my ex-girlfriend, and my other friends, after months of being supportive of my lady-lovin' angst, finally told me to woman the fuck up and ask her out. So I did, and it worked, and now we have many cats together and a relationship built on love, trust, and constant processing.

Happy ending. But this got me thinking - why didn't I know that "Amy" was interested in playing Xena to my Gabrielle? Is it just that I'm spectacularly unobservant? Am I so awkward that I was totally blind to the signal fires of flirtation slash homoboning? Were there clues that I somehow missed or misread? (As an English major, I am obviously a great close reader, so it totally wasn't this last one, just FYI).

Lesbian super sleuths, you're on the case! Here is what happened during my courtship of "Amy Ray."

We were exchanging our favorite poems through email. Because I am a constant soldier, a sometimes poet, and an English major, I chose sexy poems about getting down. For example, I sent her John Donne's "The Sunne Rising" - a seductive little piece about the boudoir, kind of like Nelly's "Hot in Herre," only hundreds of years earlier. (If you use that in an essay or as a dissertation topic, please feel free to cite me).

However, in response, here is what I received: poems about being alone forever; poems about being alone and super sad after your lover dies slash leaves you alone forever. Worst of all, at some point, she sent me a poem and asked me to guess the title. Was it about touching bodies? No, no it was not. Was it about secret love? Nope. Was it about anything that I could over-read and pretend was about me and how much we wanted each other? No, it was not. IT WAS ABOUT THE INTERNET.

Our conversation looked a bit like this:

Indigo Labrys: OH HEY GIRL HERE'S A POEM ABOUT MAKING SWEET SWEET LADY LOVE.
"Amy Ray": Here's a poem about being lonely and liking it.
Indigo Labrys: OH HEY GIRL HERE'S A POEM ABOUT LEAVING SOMEONE CLUES AND WANTING TO MAKE OUT WITH THEIR FACE.
"Amy Ray": Here's a poem about sadness. Her lover is dead and she'll probably never be happy, ever again.
Indigo Labrys: HERE'S A POEM ABOUT THIS GIRL WHO LIKES THIS OTHER GIRL AND MAYBE THEY SHOULD GET TOGETHER AND MAKE THE PONY WITH TWO TAILS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
"Amy Ray": Ok, here's a poem. You have to guess the title?
Indigo Labrys: IS IT ABOUT US DOING EACH OTHER?
"Amy Ray": ... it's about the internet.

And yeah, maybe part of the problem is that I like poetry and can close-read it like a mofo. Maybe when I read "You're wondering if I'm lonely. OK then, yes, I'm lonely as a plane rides lonely and level on its radio beam," my automatic response should NOT have been, "Welp, this one obviously isn't interested, because if she were, she'd stop sending me poems about how much the speaker likes being alone."

But she could have at least sent me a poem about boobs or something.

Keepin' it in the family: Lesbian Incest

Now sistren, we all know that our lesbo community can be small. Sometimes too small. Trying to avoid your ex? It's difficult when you run into her at the queer dance party/roller derby/ natural food store all the time. Want to go on a date with the hot new girl you spied at the lady book club? She's already dated your best friend's exes' ex. Yes my friends, we are talking about the sad inevitability of lesbian incest. 

Don't confuse this with the everyday use of the term- as lesbians, you know what I mean. Lesbian incest if the phenomena of every-girl-dating-every-other-girl-in-your-lesbo-peer-group, creating a complicated web of dating insanity. It's like that one episode of the L Word (please, don't pretend that you didn't watch it), but you don't have to be all anal-retentive about it and create an actual chart. Unless you are trying to track the love of your life and see how many of your exes/hook-ups she has had relations with, and then go on and chart away. Then you can see how much processing you'll have to do before you U-haul yourself to domestic-partnered bliss!

Anyway, how much connectedness is too much connectedness? I mean, my fellow blogger and I are totally connected through 1 degree of separation (but we totally don't count ourselves as this! It barely counts! I swear!!). But I think we've all been in situations where you  just want to tell your friends to go outside the circle already and find some new lady pools to dip in!

Take a look at this list. If 2 or more ring a bell, you may be guilty of the various subtle shades of lesbian incest:

1. You're besties with your ex(es)
2. All your friends are exes
3. You met your current lady friend through your ex girlfriend
4. Your lady friend is your roommate's ex, but she's totally over her so it's cool
5. When you meet a new potential lady friend, you slyly ask your friends if they knew her, in the Biblical sense
6. Your girlfriend's ex is now dating your ex, and the four of you have potlucks together regularly
7. You and your friends swap lady friends so much it's like that show Friends, but GAY!! I guess that would mean it's like the L Word, like when Shane started dating Jenny, so gross, amirite? But to keep myself sane I just pretend that season didn't happen.
8. Your girlfriend and you have a (or several) one-night-stand(s) in common
9. When I spoke of dating outside your circle of friends, you were confused and/or befuddled
10. Your current lady friend is also an ex lady friend

So ladies, while meeting special lady friends through other friends is a good thing, sometimes you need to make new lady friends, you know, just to keep things interesting and the gene pool viable. Give it a try sometime, you may like it.

When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again.

My lady-lovin' co-blogger has some excellent tips on how to break up. This should be super useful for those of you who are feeling a little Shane today.

But what do you do if YOU are the one being broken up with? If you are the lesbo who thought that everything was perfect and maybe you were moving in together in six months, and then, one night, as you're holding her tenderly, your ladyfriend tells you that she thinks she's still in love with her ex-girlfriend and maybe you should take some time apart slash break up forever? If this has happened to you, and it definitely hasn't happened to me or anything, it may be difficult to think clearly while you are curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, or silently crying next to your coldhearted lover in bed while she sleeps the sleep of the ruthless and morally vacant.

But think clearly you must! It is super easy to make mistakes and do things you will regret in an effort to resuscitate your relationship, which at this point is kind of like a goldfish floating miserably at the top of the bowl. Should you just flush this goldfish down the toilet and move on with your life? Absolutely. But just as it is hard to let go of that fish you won at the church bazaar when you were twelve, it is impossible to revive a relationship that is dead in the water. (See what I did there? Yeah, it's no big deal).

Here's what you need to do: first, determine that the relationship is actually over. Consider the following. Does your girlfriend have an identical, possibly evil twin with a vested interest in breaking the two of you up? Is it April Fool's Day and does your girlfriend enjoy devastating practical jokes? Has she been abducted by aliens, replaced by a pod person, or are one or both of you eighteen years old? If one of the above statements is true, you might be able to salvage your relationship. This doesn't mean you should, just that you can.

Otherwise, it's probably over. Even if your ex-girlfriend calls you an hour, a week, a month, or a year later, and tells you she's made a horrible mistake and wants to try again, it's over. It is okay to make mistakes (as Miley Cyrus says, everybody makes mistakes, after all), but she made a mistake with your feelings. If she broke up with you, you have to assume that she thought about it before she did it. And if tries to get back together with you immediately, she either didn't think about it carefully or she's an asshole. You don't want to be in a relationship with either of those ladies.

But Indigo Labrys! What if it's a few years later and we've remained friends and we're both really different people now? (i.e., not in high school anymore slash actual adults who have emotionally matured).

... IT'S STILL OVER. The things that were an issue when you broke up (her parents, her brief infidelity, her kitty horde) may not be an issue now. Her parents have mellowed out, you don't even know that hipster anymore, and all those cats are dead and have not been replaced. Well, good. But unless you can forgive her for all the crazy shit that happened in your relationship / break-up / attempt to remain friends after, it's never going to work out. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there are so many hot ladies in the world. Like, so many. Just go google "hot ladies" (with SafeSearch on, obv). There are lots of cute girls you can date / sex up / forge a soulbond with who haven't tried breaking your heart into a million tiny sad pieces.

So now that it's over, what do you do? You can return to my co-blogger Allure's post for some helpful hints; many of them apply to you, the dumped, as well as that hater who dumped you. Get off Facebook! Put her pictures, poetry, and locks of her hair in a special box that you hide somewhere. You don't need to throw them out yet. (Unlike Allure, I firmly believe in keeping these around, because nothing strengthens a relationship like the insecurity your new lover will experience when she finds a stash or twelve of old love letters).

But most importantly of all, as the dumped, STOP TAKING HER CALLS. Establish boundaries; tell her you're going to take some time and want to start meeting new people / getting over her / getting your shit together / whatever. Even if you are just going to sit in your room and play sad overwrought Sarah McLachlan songs, tell her you need some space. It will be hard because you never wanted to break up in the first place, and you miss hearing her voice and stuff. And she'll probably try calling you because she feels guilty / wants to stay friends / misses having your love, support, and awesome ladycuddles in her life / is an emotionally manipulative asshat. So there's definite temptation to stay in contact - and surely, if she sees how much you love her, she'll maybe want to come back, right?

(If this is what you think, please remind yourself that it's already over. Get a tattoo if it helps. Put it next to that one you got on your three month anniversary with her. You know the one.)

Because I am a teacher and like clear statements, here's my basic argument in conclusion:

(1) It's over.
(2) It's still over.
(3) No, you shouldn't get back together.
(4) But you should stop talking to her.

Is the honeymoon over? How to break up with your special lady friend.

As Bette from "The L Word" once said, sometimes you have to break up with lesbians twice. I know I've had this unfortunate experience, and I'm sure some of you have too. Even so, you should do so in the nicest way possible, like the lovely lady-lovin' ladies you are. We won't pretend that it won't be hard or sad- breaking your soulbond is always a hardship. But sometimes (and we have a few personal experiences between our sordid dating histories to prove it) it is a necessary chore, and you will be the better for it.

Before we talk about what you could do, here are some things we do not recommend doing, ever.

1. Sending a text message/e-mail/facebook post or status/tweet/ post-it note stuck on her car windshield. This only gives her something to forward/copy/post for all of her friends (and your friends, as obviously you have merged lives by now and are completely codependent) to see and analyze with her, and will ultimately just make you look like an ass, no matter how eloquent you are.
2. Showing up one day at your favorite coffee shop with a new lady on your arm/ love bite on your neck. First, if you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating is not OK ever (unless Rachel Maddow shows up in my bedroom by magic, and then I'll be begging my lady friend for a one-time pass). Second, it's really tacky and makes you look like a jerk to all your mutual friends, who will immediately flock to her defense, no matter what good reasons you have for breaking up. Keep it classy, and wait to move on until you're truly a free and single gal again.
3. Calling with your break-up news while she's away on a family vacation, you're on a business trip, or otherwise in separate locations. While if you're in a long-distance relationship this may be the only way, if you normally see your lady friend on a daily (or minute-ly, because you like to be close to your soultwin) basis, don't be a coward, and grow the ovaries to tell her face to face.
4. Going back to facebook, our favorite locale of social faux-pas, don't put up a pic of a new love interest or change your relationship status on to single before you've talked to your lady friend. In fact, don't put up a picture of a new lady for at least... a month? A few months? The timing is up to you and the exact formula will depend on the length of your relationship and how u-hauled you were, but be respectful of your now-ex's feelings.
5. Telling her everything you don't like about her in a vindictive way. Now, if she has been a really bad lady, this may be justified and hard to resist. But, if it just isn't working out and you'd still like to keep the time-honored lesbian tradition of staying friends with your ex, you don't necessarily have to spill all. Remember our favorite mantra: secret feelings are secret for a reason! There is no need for her to know that you really wish she didn't have that mole shaped like male genitalia on her hip, that the smell of her homemade kombucha made you feel vile, or that you were just dating her for the hot sex and her not-so-hot intellect was a downer. 
6. Try to keep this lack-of-vindictiveness throughout the months following your breakup. That's what your other friends are for- the ones you stopped calling during the first weeks/months of your relationship when everything was sunshine and daisies and you wanted nothing more than to whisper her name softly while stroking her hair as she slept. These other pals are there for you in your time of relationship breakdown, and will listen to you vent about all your ex's annoying habits while you cry over a bowl of vegan ice cream and watch Lost and Delirious, because you totally get what that chick with the hawk is feeling. Or the other chick, whichever the case may be.
7. Try to limit your post break-up phone calls where you rehash your relationship with each other and what went wrong. While we are fans of lesbian processing, sometimes even this can be tedious. Especially with your new ex.
8. Don't have break up sex. It always seems like a good idea, but it's not. Trust me.

Try these ideas instead:

1. Break up in private. We are big fans of privacy, lesbian sistren! While it may seem like a good idea to take your ex-special-lady out for a nice macro-organic-tofu bowl to spill the bad news, don't do it. If she wants to cry/yell at you/whatever, let her do so in the privacy of one of your homes, not around other people. 
2. Be honest, but not too honest to the point of harshness. Remember what we said in our previous section. Now, sometimes you do have to be harsh, as in the case of "when you consume addictive substances you become a nutcase, and I'm tired of chasing your crazy self out of the lady bar on Friday nights to take you home." But if it's more of the variety "it's just not working out," say that, but don't be petty and point out things you consider as her faults. The next lady she dates may think it's adorable that she collects broken butterfly wings for her sculpture or wears hippy crystalized deodorant. 
3. Give her space afterwards. Don't expect to be best buds immediately, or ask her to be your wing-woman at the lady bar when you want to pick up a hot chick. Expect your mutual friends to invite you over for bunco night individually for awhile, until you both seem over it enough to not spoil the evening with your relationship angst.
4. Get off facebook. Delete your account or just have a friend change the password for you so you can't log on and see what she's doing, or look at the pictures of you together at last years Mich Fest. You can block her too for awhile if you must stay on your social networks, but we do not recommend this tactic alone. In your post break-up state, you are more likely to commit some of the over-sharing mistakes we have previously discussed. 
5. As one of my favorite lady friends sings in Come Back Home, take all the pictures down. Even if the breakup was your idea, you don't want to be reminded of her all the time. Get one of your other friends to come over to your abode and take down all the photos/ love notes/ souvenirs from your trip to Provincetown/ promise rings she gave you/ etc. You don't have to throw them away yet (though later you may find it awkward if a new lady friend finds these things!) but at least box them up so if you have a backlash, you can look over it later and cry over the mix tape she made you for your 2-week anniversary of love. 
6. Give yourself time to heal before moving on. Now lady friends, I am not saying you can't have a casual rebound. Rebounds can be a nice, fun way to move on from your intense, soulbonding lesbian relationship. But give it at least a few months before you start to seriously date someone else again. If you question if you're ready to date, you're probably not, so give yourself some time. Does this mean  you can't go to the latest queer dance party and perv on all the pretty ladies? Of course not! You can even take them to your abode for some consensual sexy times (see our future post on one-night stands). Just don't profess your love/start making them mix tapes/ take them to meet your chosen family right away. Have fun, do all the things you used to do before you got sucked into your vortex of love, and become a whole person again. In time, this will make you the wonderful, desirable lady that you can be. Not the semi-together lady who seems normal on a date until she starts talking about her ex non-stop, but she's totally over her, really! (Not that it's happened to either of us, or anything. Never.)
7. Go toy shopping. And you know the kind I mean! You may want to do this early on in the breakup and not wait to do the other tips first. I'll leave it up to you if you want to get ride of the toys you bought with your lady friend (as long as you sanitize well, sistren! really, really well! like, really!) but go buy something for yourself, and then you won't be as tempted by break up sex after you've drank a bottle of wine and listened to your favorite lady-friend music.
8. Keep it classy. When you do start dating again, be cool. Don't post things like "I am so glad to be FINALLY HAPPY! I've found the one for me AT LAST!!!" This just shows you're trying too hard, and cheapens your new-found love. If you do this, you probably need to go back to Tip 6, and try again.

Now, some of you  may be saying, that's all good for my lady-relationship break up, but what about someone I wasn't really dating/ didn't know I was dating? Well ladies, having been in this situation, let me return to my story about the unfortunate Inappropriate Girl (read post about over-sharing to refresh your memory- it's at the end).

After Inappropriate Girl's unfortunate text message, and my reply that it was way too soon to ask that question, even as a joke, I thought I had heard the last of her. But not so, sistren! Later I got another apology text asking for another chance. Using guidance from my sistren, I ignored this message. A few days later, she sent another message stating "I guess you're done with me, huh." Now sistren, this was after her "Moving on" facebook status. Again, as we had only been communicating for a week and hadn't met in person, I did not realize I owed her an explanation. (Please note that I didn't- sometimes bitches be crazy). So, realizing that she had taken my first rejection as a break up somehow even though we weren't actually dating, my sistren guided me that I was going to have to break up with her again. How do you break up with someone you're not dating? Well lesbos, you send her a text that says "Yes I'm sorry, but that was too much for me." 

Simple. To the point. No apologies, no elaboration. Why? Because it isn't necessary! And any elaboration would have been something like "Because clearly, you are a clingy sociopath who has no grasp on reality, and I wonder how you function in normal society." And would I ever say something like that to another lady? No! Or at least I would make my very best effort not to.

So ladies, we hope these tips help you in your relationship journey. For sometimes we have to go through a lot of soul-cons to find our soul-bond.

Student-teacher relationships, and why they should never happen

Have you watched "Loving Annabelle" and thought, hey, that looks sexy, I want to try that! We are here to tell you that while you are free to think that all you want sistren, actually doing so is wrong. Completely, and totally wrong. If you are not convinced purely by your undying trust in me alone, let me give you my reasons.

If you are a teacher:
Being educators ourselves, we cannot fathom why someone would find their student attractive. Students don't know things! This is why they are in your class! People who don't know things are not sexy! Lessons can be naughty fun in the bedroom, and innocently fun in the classroom, but the two are totally different and should NEVER meet. Ever. But I digress.

First, as lesbian sistren, you should already be aware of the ways power works in our society. When you are in a position of authority over someone, you have power over them, no matter how benevolent of a leader you strive to be. It is rapey to take advantage of this power and hit on a student. Even if that student is cute, or your age (or older even!), or is crushing on you too. There are policies and laws against such couplings for good reasons my friends!

"But what if they are really really cute and keep hitting on me, and I think we may be soulmates?" you may ask. Tough titty! As long as you are in charge of someone's grades, on their thesis committee, or too old to be in a legal relationship, it is never OK to act on these feelings. If you really think you're soulmates, then wait till you no longer have a working relationship with this person (assuming they are an adult capable of consent- if not, then you are gross and I no longer want to make you a friendship bracelet for reading this masterpiece). Then if the fires are still stoking both of your lady loins, go ahead and ask her to accompany you to a roller derby match.

My advice is to go meet some hot ladies online like normal people do, who are not in your classroom, and ride off into the sunset together. Or watch Xena.

If you are a student:
Are you secretly crushing on your teacher? It may not be as secret as you think, ladies always know about these things. So if your professor refuses to meet with you alone in her office, or always makes sure the door is wide open, she is probably protecting herself against claims of sexual harassment. It's perfectly fine to have a crush on your teacher, it can make class go by faster, and you'll probably get better grades because you're paying attention to every word she says (or that better be what you're paying attention to, young lady!). However, don't expect it to be returned. Hit on the cute nerdy girl who knows her stuff instead, then you can have sexy study dates instead of spending your time pining for someone who's unattainable.

If you find you just can't control yourself and must hit on your teacher, try to resist until after the grades are posted. Ladies should always show decorum, and you wouldn't want your potential love interest to think you're only hitting on her to get a better grade, would you? I didn't think so. As a lady lovin' lady, you should value deep, meaningful communication. Plus, later when you are processing the early beginnings of your relationship, you can talk about the agony of waiting- doesn't that sound fun?

Now if you're in the opposite situation and a teacher/professor is hitting on you, run. And report the bitch. Any professor/teacher/educator who would try to use their power (because no matter what they say, that's what's happening) to get laid, is gross, and you can do better. Much better. Consent and equal power in relationships is sexy, my dear sistren.

And lastly, please don't embarrass our kind and be the lesbian version of  Mary Kay Letourneau. Just don't.