An emoticon just for lady lovers

Sistren, text messaging is a fun way to communicate in these modern times. It's quick, it's easy, and a way to send a note when you don't have time for a phone call or email. A lot of people like to use cute emoticons to express their feelings (and you know lady lovers love feelings too), like a ;-) when you're feeling saucy, a :-) when you are telling your lady friend how much you enjoy her company, a (^ o ^) in response to her funny joke, or a (- _ ; ) to show you're sad because you haven't seen her in two whole hours. And of course, a <3 to say I love you, which of course you said midway through your second date.

Well friends, I have a new one for you. Or maybe it's not new for those tech-savvy ladies out there. Anyway, without further ado, I give you the vag/box/beaver/fish taco:

({})

Ladies, this gem came my way purely by accident. One of my school chums sent me this in a text message! I nearly died laughing, and asked her if she'd intended to send me a vagina. She replied that it was a hug! Obviously, this is no hug! 

I showed this to the Librarian and asked her what it looked like. She immediately said "A pussy. Maybe one enlarged and about to give birth." (This was especially funny as she never uses that word.) I polled "Amy Ray" who  made a face of discomfort and exclaimed "oh my!" I shared it with Indigo Labrys, who posted it on a mutual friend's Facebook wall, who of course said "that looks like a vagina."

What was going on? Could it be that hetero girls, like my school chum, are just not used to looking at lady parts from that angle, and are unaware of the resemblance to this combination of characters? I was determined to find out.

Last night at a dinner gathering, I asked everyone present to tell me what ({}) looked like. Straight girls, gay boys, and gay girls all had an immediate reaction of "oh!" and agreed it is a vag. How could it be that my school chum didn't see this?

The mystery was solved shortly, as she was also present. On her phone (something called a "blackberry," you know one of those bougie "smart" phones) has fancy emoticons, and when she texted me she chose one that has a smiley face with arms out like a hug. Huh. She had unknowingly been sending non-smart phone owners vaginas instead of hugs! OK, so this probably means I'm the only one getting vaginas. Whatever. At least I know that straight girls aren't totally unaware of their bodies, and now I have a new favorite thing to send to my ladyfriend. 

Just think of the possibilities for dating! For example:

• If you're not sure of your new acquaintances sexual leanings: 
• Hey girl, do u like ({})? ;-)
• Cute, simple, to the point!
• If you are hoping for a little something after your date:
• I wanna touch ur ({}) 2nite!
• Who doesn't love a flirty text?
• If you're trying to put off a suitor:
• Sorry, not n mood 4 ({}) 2nite. 
• A fun way to reject a ladies' advances!
• To tell your friend about your wild evening:
• Had 2 much ({}) last nite. Coffee?
• An easy way to tell her what you need to process about! Friend process, not lady-friend process, those two things should not be combined. 
• A friendly way to abbreviate any lady lovin' event:
• Goin 2 a ({}) bar, who's in?
• All your pals immediately know what you're talking about, and it saves you texting time!

I hope this emoticon will serve you well, sistren. Please let us know if you have other uses for it. I'm thinking T-shirts. 

How to know if you're in an accidental lesbian relationship

I have these friends who are living a total Boston marriage. We're talking hetero-life-partner style. Naturally, I'm always teasing them that they are the most lesbian couple I know- but it's not really teasing, cause they totally are. I even learned some tips from them. For example, did you know that the grocery store will take two forms of payment on one transaction, thereby enabling you to split the bill down the center? Comes in handy when you're buying dinner party supplies with your lady friend, and splitting the individual items is too tiresome. Though these friends pretty much split all their groceries, as they are just that merged. So for the not-quite-lesbo ladies out there, look at this checklist. If you and your platonic lady friend can fit many of these descriptions, you may be in an accidental lesbian relationship.

1. You live together (cohabitating is a lesbian must- you all know we love to U-haul)
2. You split the grocery bill
3. You cook all your meals together
4. One of you makes breakfast/lunch/dinner for the other one, and tries to make her eggs just the way she likes them, and remembers to put her coffee in her favorite mug, the one with the cats on it
5. You spend all your time together- and I mean all your time
6. When you go to a bar to try to pick up guys, you spend all your time talking to your lady friend instead, and may or may not have asked a dude you just met to quiz you on how well you know your lady, until he slowly backs away and leaves you two alone
7. You go on family vacations together
8. You call her grandma the same pet name she calls her
9. Her mom sends you birthday cards
10. Her mom calls/texts/emails you, sometimes to ask about your lady friend, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes to conspire against/for her
11. You send her cutesy messages on facebook- aka, movie clips of scenes that symbolize your feelings for each other, tell her you  miss her when you've been separated for a few hours, etc.
12. You have so many inside jokes, no one listening to your conversations can understand what you're talking about
13. You invite actual lesbian couples over for double dates
14. You go to the vet together, both asking questions, and so the vet naturally assumes that Fifi the poodle has two mommies
15. When people invite you somewhere, they assume your other half will be joining you
16. Based on your facebook pictures, your friends start asking if you have something you want to tell them, and we both know what that something is. Additionally, you don't really know what to answer, since it's almost true
17. On Friday nights when you don't go out, you cuddle on the couch to watch TV
18. You accept invitations for each other
19. You wear each others clothes so much you may as well have one closet
20. You have a lesbian plate (I'm not joking here- see photographic evidence)

So how'd you do? I'll tell ya, my lady friend and I get way less marks on the checklist than my platonic-life-partner friends. Maybe we need to step it up a notch to really assert our place as the dominant couple in this comparison.

****UPDATE**** the hetero life-mates have informed me that there are 20 other things that could be on this list that they didn't tell me about, for example, that they send text messages from each others phones. Who knows what other coupley behavior they engage in while still being a non-couple . . .

For item 20, view this evidence:

 This is a plate from the platonic life partners. What's even more awesome about it is that one of them made it for the other for her birthday. However, if we note the body language, the hands behind the back may indicate that the girls aren't quite ready to cement their fate by holding hands and dancing off into the distance. While the legs out indicate a certain carefree joie de vivre, those clenched hands are just dying to be free! And clearly represent their hesitation to take their platonic life partnership to the next level. Will these two crazy kids ever realize their fate? Or will they continue this charade to meet "dudes" while really only being interested in talking to each other? Only time will tell.

This is a plate my lady friend's mom made, and then liked too much to give to us. Now note in this one the ladies are actually touching, making it clear they are actual lady friends. Their body language suggests an easy companionship, and as they are standing shoulder to shoulder, that they are on equal ground. We also see that the blond figure (indicating me, though I'm not blond. She made this pre-first-meeting) is slightly in front, indicating that the blond is the leader. This is completely true, and I'm glad to have parental-out-law acknowledgement of this fact. This is also indicated by our making the checklist for item 10. Why yes I do have pictures to send to Grandma, and I do think we should put that dresser there so I have more room on my side of the bed, thanks for asking mom-out-of-law!