Ways our child might rebel

Hello Sistren! The fetus is still cooking in my uterus, and is making herself known a LOT these days. I imagine she's possibly perfecting her dance moves, practicing punching Nazis, or just asserting her Strong Leadership Skills by reminding me who's really in charge around here. As The Librarian and I have been talking a lot about future parenting, one thing we've postulated about is how our child might rebel or otherwise assert that she is different from her totally dorky moms. Here's a short list of how that might happen, in no particular order. Hoping our offspring doesn't find this list and use it for #inspo as she enters her teen years. Not all of these are bad; some are things we'd have to phone a friend in if the kid wants support in her interests of which we have no clue.

Speaking of which, I am SO excited to embarrass a teenager! I will be so good at it! Making a mental list of things that will cause her to roll her eyes- feel free to offer your own suggestions! But that's a list for another day.

Ways our Child Might Rebel/ Distinguish herself from her Totally Uncool Moms

1. Become a rabid Republican. This would seriously be the worst. We of course plan on taking her to marches (and she has march-ready onesies that say "Abolish ICE" and "The Future is Female") and talking to her about the dangers of claiming to be "socially liberal but fiscally conservative" (thank u, next) so this would be a great way for her to stab her moms in our lefty hearts. If she starts talking about states rights (note, her becoming a Libertarian would be just as bad), keeping people out of our borders in case they take our jobs, or that the woman's place is in the home, we will start researching de-programmers in our area.
2. Turn into a Hey Ladies!!! type. The Librarian recently discovered the hilarious Hey Ladies!!! series from The Toast (we miss you!) and got the e-book and it is so funny. But also sad as apparently some people are really like this. But what if our child thinks this is normal and acceptable behavior to aspire too? How do we prevent this? Do we go reverse psychology? Do we try to find a hippy school to send her to (but not too hippy-ish in case she becomes a CaitlinYourLife type)? Please advise.
3. Be a jock. Because the fetus is so active all the time we're afraid she might be a jock. And that's fine, but just way out of the realm of our nerdy experience. Because we are from (or at least met) in the great state of North Carolina, we can teach her how to shit talk at basketball games like nobody's business. But play sports ball? Way outside of our skill set. However, if she does play sports ball, I am ready to start the plan for embarrassing our teen by making great mom signs and yelling at her games! That could be awesome.
4. Hate reading. Since reading is important to both of our professions, we already have a bookshelf or two started for the kid! And an Amazon wish list! Buying books for her is super fun. But what if she decides reading is terrible? Or stays illiterate on purpose as form of rebellion? And then this leads to our number one fear! (See number 1). Let's hope not.
5. Really, really love gender roles. Our baby stuff is very non-pink, non-ruffly, and there are no giant hairbows the size of an adult's head in her future. What is up with those? Maybe our child will decide later that she's really mad we deprived her of this heteronormative opportunity and start wearing all pink lace or something. And want to wear makeup (we will really have to phone a friend in here, I haven't worn makeup since my first semester of college). She can do/wear whatever she wants, we're just hoping she doesn't decide to use clothing as a way to flaunt values of (see #1 above) what some folks think a girl should be. 
6. Have terrible taste in dudes like Rory Gilmore. This one came from The Librarian as I had on some Gilmore Girls and Rory (season 4) was about to go on a date with Trevor. What if our kid is straight, and has terrible taste in boys like Rory does the entire series? I mean first round Dean was fine for a high school boyfriend and all, but other than that, yuck. Especially as Paris was the CLEAR choice. But anyway, what if she insists on dating dudes who are douche-bro, whiny, asshats? What are two moms to do?

Anyway Sistren, this is our list! What are your parenting fears?

That's Not My Name

... or, Words with (Lady)Friends.

I was out for a hike with Not Allured and our mutual ladyfriends the other week, and though we spent a good hour or two discussing Chris Pureka's many charms (call either of us, CP! We will never make you take the pictures down!), we eventually moved on to talking about sexytimes. (A pretty natural segue, I'm sure you agree, unless you are (a) crazy and (b) wrong all the time).

If you've been following our blog - and more importantly, following our advice - maybe you are ready to take things in this new direction - the direction of the boudoir.

I'm sure you know what to do when you get there, but do you know what to say? Queer ladies can be a communicative bunch, and it's important to note that processing, like cats, does not always belong in the bedroom.

To help a sistren out, here are some things you may not want to say:

(1) Someone else's name. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't always. Try especially to avoid the following names: your exes, your relatives, her exes, her relatives, or your cats.

(2) Things that are not relevant to getting in her pants. Avoid mentioning your plans to visit the Homo Depot tomorrow morning (unless you are going to make an erotic adventure out of it, as Not Allured has suggested previously), where you'd like to hang your new curtains (references to her curtains are obviously acceptable), or reminding her to take the chicken breasts out of the freezer (you can figure out the exception for yourselves here).

(3) Anything like this: "I can see myself falling in love with you" - you are (hopefully) riding a post-coital high, are probably (a) happy or (b) sleepy, and thus should refrain from making declarations of love until after you've come down (heh heh) a bit.

(4) Hand-balling. Or "Needs more Crisco." (See Sapphistry for further horrifying details).

(5) Any of the following: "Show me your catdance," "My twat is still vibrating," "let me run my tongue up deep into your hive," "tender and swallowing walls," "Just relax and it will burn real good," and "Relax, it was only E".

(6) "I want to make a baby with you" "I have a sperm donor on speed dial!"

(7) "Smile for the camera!"

(8) "My husband/boyfriend/partner will be back soon, but he's cool with it. He'd like to join too, if you're into it."

(9) "Hey, did you know you have a hair here? I hear electrolysis will take care of that."

(10) "Who's ______?"- when reading the name tattooed on their bicep

(11) "No  kitty! Bad kitty!"

(12) Anything from a lesbian romance novel or lesbian film. Or song. Or poem. Our sistren cannot be trusted for sweet nothing suggestions- and these should be personal anyway, so your ladyfriend knows it is she that you treasure, not trite phrases.

(13) "What do you mean it doesn't fit? It fit my ex-girlfriend just fine! She loved it!"

(14) "Um, what are the symptoms for ____? Cause I think I see one." (actually, if you see something, you should probably just stop what you're doing or only continue with extreme caution.)

(15) "Hey, from this angle you look kinda like my mom/sister/ex."

Further suggestions?

Are you codependent? Or do you have to ask your lady friend?

Sistren, sometimes when you're in a relationship, it's easy to sink dangerously close to the depths of codependency. "Not I!" you may shout. "I am perfectly capable of functioning on my own! I am an independent lady, just like Beyonce!" Of course you are friend! But just in case, see how many of the following apply to you. If it's more than two or three, or you find yourself going through this list with a lady friend, you could have fallen victim to codependency. (This is similar and related thought not equal to another lesbian phenomena, u-hauling). It happens to the best of us, sistren, so we can forgive you. Now, for the list:

1. You only accept an invitation or ask a friend to hang out after checking with your lady.
2. You'd like to start a new hobby, like tennis or dream-catcher making, but want to consult your soul-mate first to see if it's a good idea
3. Choosing your job/school location based on the needs of your lady friend, who you've been dating for a whole two days now, or even like 6 months, because that's completely enough time to make important life decisions with each other
4. Converting to veganism/Atkins, etc, after a few dates (The librarian totally bought a vegan cookbook after our second date, but just explained to me that this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from codependency, as she wasn't changing her dietary habits, just showing an interest in mine. And since I benefit from her possession of said cookbook, I'm not about to argue the point)
5. Spending a night/ a few hours apart is a hardship you can't bring yourself to bear (you may claim that you don't live together, but no one is fooled)
6. Things that you used to do by yourself- exercising, shopping, bathing, meeting friends for brunch- you now only do with your lady on your arm.
7. All of your stories include your lady friend, and you utter her name every other word
8. Your interests or beliefs change quickly and for no reason other than to be in sync with your woman. "I'm totally into rock climbing now, I don't know why I used to think I was afraid of heights!"
9. You would turn down something awesome, like a ticket to see Tegan & Sarah, if your lady couldn't get a ticket too.
10. Friends start to get annoyed with you because they never see you alone anymore, and you won't shut up about your lady friend when they do see you. This can often be accompanied by a tendency to not be conscious of things that should be private and canoodle with your lady in public. Just say no ladies, no one likes seeing their friends making out. As we've said in earlier posts, teenagers are not hot, don't act like one.

There are so many examples I could list here, but you get the picture. Ladies, as easy as it may be to get sucked into the relationship vortex, don't lose your personality completely. Merging is boring. I mean come on ladies- sometimes you have to hang out by yourself for some serenity time, or hang out with your friends sans-lady so that you can talk about how awesome she is and ohmygosh she's just perfect and don't they just love her too??!!

One Night Stand = FUN night ... stand ...

So as all four of the readers of this blog know, Not Allured and I really love us some lesbian romance novels.

Lesbian romance novels are a subject that is really close to my heart. Sometimes, even closer than cats. And while lesbian romance novels open up whole new worlds of lesbian goodness in the form of Xena-ubers, shudder-inducing depictions of sexytimes (see "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit You Should Not Put in Your Vagina" and let your imagination run wild), and heartwarming tales of emotional pain had and healed, they also have develop some themes I find absolutely maddening.

Such as their inexplicable hatred of the one-night stand. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I read about a one-night stand in a lesbian romance novel that was (a) portrayed positively and (b) did not turn into an insta-relationship I still wouldn't have a single fucking dollar. It's like an unwritten rule that all lesbian romance novels mysteriously follow, kind of like when I walked into a lesbian bar for the first time and everyone started line-dancing at the exact same time for no particular reason.

In lesbian romance novels, the one-night stand functions as an opportunity for the lead alpha female (usually Xena in any of her beautiful and varied manifestations) to punish herself for her past crimes (failing to save her partner in Vietnam, that patient who died on the operating table, or when she accidentally shot her sister with a gun - whatever causes her secret pain). It's a way for her to avoid forming any sort of meaningful emotional connection because she can never let anyone get close to her ever again. And inevitably, by the end of the novel, Xena is able to realize that with the love of a good woman, she can forgive herself and move past her angst-riddled past.

Usually this happens during Xena and Gabrielle's first time, when Xena realizes that she's never known love like this before. All of those other sexytime encounters with ladies were totally devoid of meaning and they were probably just using her for her money / good looks / power anyway. (And if it's Xena, it's usually all three). Once you meet the love of your life!11! everything else falls into its proper perspective (which is to say, you realize how pointless and awful every part of your life up until this moment! is).

(If you want a visual of my face right now, it looks like this: FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE. FLAMES).

Here's the thing, though - this trend annoys me in books because it's an attitude that way too many folks in real life express. (I know, imagine that! Books have something to do with real life? This shit is CRAZY, yo). (Also, you know who you are. ::glares::). It drives me absolutely batshit crazy when people are all like, "My previous relationships were totally meaningless, except for the part where they brought us together, cuddlebunny." Or like, "I've never really loved anyone ... (dramatic pause) ... until I loved you." Because what they're really saying when they say this is "You are the love of my life. Everything else before you was a dirty, fiendish LIE!"

I call bullshit. Because, for realz, there are lots of different relationships you can have. Sometimes you have relationships with people who would have been perfect for you if you'd met at the right time. Sometimes you have relationships with people who work for you at that time and place, but they aren't your forever home. And sometimes you just have relationships with people who are absofuckinglutely insane. (And that's ok too, because then you have great stories to tell forever).

And sometimes you don't have relationships! You just have one-night stands or date someone casually or make-out with someone in the bathroom at the local lesbian club. AND THAT'S OK, TOO. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't mean you're morally vacant or emotionally stunted or incapable of forming a connection with another human being.

Why does this matter? Because seeing your relationship with your true love / partner in cat-parenting as the be-all and end-all to the exclusion of all other relationships is stupid. It leads people to jump into relationships that are wrong for them (rather than just calling a spade a spade and being like, "hey, we're hooking up! AWESOME!"). Or dismiss past relationships as invalid or pointless (you learn all the time, lesbos. Even when you don't want to). And to see monogamous couplings as the kind of holy grail of the queer experience, which is limiting and maybe not everyone's cup of herbal Woman's Moon Cycle tea.

So, to reiterate: one-night stands are totally ok. Go forth and make love in this club, lesbros.

Cats Don't Belong in the Bedroom

Don't get me wrong; I love my cats.

And there are many places cats belong: on your couch, on your bookshelves, in any crinkly bag, on top of your papers, in the last place you look, and in your heart.

But they do not belong in your bedroom.

I'm going to help you get a sense of your boundaries first by providing you with the following questions. Answer honestly, or you won't be able to learn and grow from this experience.

(1) How many times have you begun to look tenderly into your lover's eyes and smooth back the hair from her forehead as you lean in to kiss her ripe, luscious mouth, when all of the sudden, your cats show up for some untimely petting action?

(2) How many times have you felt a pair of eyes on you in the boudoir that did not belong to your woman?

(3) How many times have you been in the throes of ecstasy when, between your murmured endearments and cries of pleasure, you became aware of an approving purr emerging from your ever watchful cats?

(4) How many times have you felt the sharp claws of a she-beast slash kitten rake your bare back as you make sweet sweet love?

(5) Has your lovemaking ever been disturbed by a cat landing on your face?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe or it wasn't my face, you have a problem. And I am here to help you. As the proud guardian of two cats, I too have had to deal with the always sensitive issue of cats in the bedroom. Many lesbians are very attached to their cats, after all, and some people take it badly when you ask them if Fluffykins could maybe sit this one out or if they wouldn't mind moving the litterbox from the bedroom so you don't have to listen to cats shuffling around in there while you make sweet lesbian love.

These people are (obviously) wrong.

Why does this happen? Like many of our other posts, this problem occurs because of a lack of respect for boundaries. There is a time and a place for cats (most of the time, and everywhere but your bedroom, respectively). Respect these boundaries and you won't have to worry about any of getting your back clawed off when you go downtown, or hearing anything during sex except the slick beats of Melissa Ferrick's "Drive" (or when you lover accidentally calls out for Rachel Maddow).

Nothing is more of a turn-off in bed than realizing there's more than two people in this relationship - and some of them are cats.

You're not going to wear that, are you?

Ladies, I am no fashionista, but sometimes the wardrobe choices of my lesbo sistren distress me. When I first realized I was batting for the other team, I was living in Japan, where fashion is on a whole other plane of spiritual existence. This was the time where I went from wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time to wearing sequins and legwarmers (I'm mostly back to T-shirts and jeans again, in case you were wondering. But I do love my big dangly earrings.) When I got back to my 'Merikan homeland, I was bored with the way people dressed. Fleece jackets, jeans, and ponytails 24/7? Snore. (Some of you may guess what part of our fair nation I returned to based on this categorization alone! And you're probably right. Assuming someone other than our lady friends reads this....)

Anyway, I went to my first 'Merikan lady bar, all excited to be with  my kind and being able to converse with all in my native language, only to be horrified by what some chose to wear. Track pants? Sweats? We were out. At a club. Did this not mean a little effort was necessary? Imagine my distress when I got sneered at by a few girls, and "straight girl" was whispered, as if 1) that were an insult and 2) my girly-ish clothing and the fact that it had taken me 20 instead of 5 minutes to get ready banned me from the club. I was miffed, to say the least. (Don't worry sistren- later, I found another queer club in the same fair city that was lovely, and had people who dressed like they were going dancing, not to a softball game, and weren't so surly, and I was as happy as could be.)

All of a sudden I was being labeled as a "femme," when no one had every called me feminine in my life. I was the girl who did all the stereotypical girly after-school activities- piano lessons! ballet class! girl scouts! (does that one count?)- but was always seen as kind of a tom boy. This was probably because I got mad at anti-feminist behavior, and didn't giggle when a boy tried to flirt with me. But I'm getting off topic. Anyway, apparently in lesbian world, femme meant that you put in a small amount of effort to your appearance. I mean, I don't wear makeup, but I do use hair product, is that why I was femme? I like to wear dresses sometimes? I don't wear hoodies and a baseball cap to a bar? Unless it's my hat that says T.W.A.T. TEAM, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do. That one is a classic lesbian bar hat! Don't you agree?

So while I don't really get the whole butch/femme thing that some people still ascribe to, I do have strong feelings about what you should and should not wear when you go out with the specific purpose of meeting/impressing a lady friend. I seem to get this penchant for judging others' wardrobe choices from my father. For a man who will wear a T-shirt until it has holes all over it, and wears socks with sandals, he always has a lot to say about other peoples' fashion decisions. Therefore, this trait is genetic, and totally excusable.

Getting back to my tale, a few months ago my lady friend and I were having lunch with "Amy Ray," and reminiscing about our first date. I say that the first time we met in person was our first date, though my lady friend, we'll call her "The Librarian" (guess who named this blog?), claims that it was not a date as we were just  meeting for coffee, and maybe dinner if we decided we liked each other and weren't insane. We did, and we weren't, and one date later decided we "liked liked" each other, and the rest is history. Obviously, I argued that that first meeting was a date, as we had been sending semi-flirtatious messages back and forth, and were meeting for the intention of seeing if we wanted to date. The Librarian claimed that if we hadn't liked each other, it wouldn't be a date. I countered that yes it would have, it would have just been a bad date, as Indigo Labrys has chronicled so humorously.

The whole point of sharing our bickering conversation is that I also pointed out that she wore a non-date sweater, which should have been a no-no since it was our first date, and you should dress to impress. Now ladies, it was December and very cold, and I do love a good sweater. I had on one myself! But the one she wore was frumpy, very boxy and did nothing for her shape, and made my first visual impression one of "meh" instead of "who is that sexy lady I get to have coffee with now?" It looked like one of those Scandinavian style ones that are meant to be worn on the slopes.

I tried to find the exact sweater in question, but apparently it is packed away somewhere. As it should be.

Ladies. this "meh" is not the reaction you should be going for! Obviously I found her personality charming, but what if you are a shy lady whose personality can not shine through a frumpy outfit? What if you are on a date with someone who needs that physical attraction with the mental attraction right from the start? (Not that I used to be like that or anything, not me!)

I'm not saying you have to look like you stepped off the runway- that would be off putting to most too. Just put in some effort. A clean shirt, at least. (The Librarian just read this, and wanted me to assert that her sweater was not dirty on the date in question- she does believe in cleanliness, thank the Goddess). One that doesn't make you look like a disgruntled housewife. You don't have to look like you're trying too hard, but what could be more flattering on a first date (because no matter what The Librarian claims, that is what we were on!!) than a clear signal to your potential life-mate that you care enough about your first meeting to at least take a second glance in the mirror on your way out.

And, as Indigo Labrys mentioned, I also don't recommend wearing outfits that are all tie-dyed and would get you nominated for that show What Not to Wear. Seriously, she totally told me that she had an outfit like this in her younger days, and I totally  just saw someone with that on the show. Not that I'm not guilty of this- when I lived in Japan, I also couldn't really  buy pants there, so I had a pair of jeans that I wore WAY too long, to the point of having frayed patches in the crotch region. I wore this pair of jeans in public all the time! Yikes! But you know when I wouldn't have worn them? On a first date! Or any date!

So ladies, don't wear a non-date sweater to meet your lady friend. Step it up a notch.

Keepin' it in the family: Lesbian Incest

Now sistren, we all know that our lesbo community can be small. Sometimes too small. Trying to avoid your ex? It's difficult when you run into her at the queer dance party/roller derby/ natural food store all the time. Want to go on a date with the hot new girl you spied at the lady book club? She's already dated your best friend's exes' ex. Yes my friends, we are talking about the sad inevitability of lesbian incest. 

Don't confuse this with the everyday use of the term- as lesbians, you know what I mean. Lesbian incest if the phenomena of every-girl-dating-every-other-girl-in-your-lesbo-peer-group, creating a complicated web of dating insanity. It's like that one episode of the L Word (please, don't pretend that you didn't watch it), but you don't have to be all anal-retentive about it and create an actual chart. Unless you are trying to track the love of your life and see how many of your exes/hook-ups she has had relations with, and then go on and chart away. Then you can see how much processing you'll have to do before you U-haul yourself to domestic-partnered bliss!

Anyway, how much connectedness is too much connectedness? I mean, my fellow blogger and I are totally connected through 1 degree of separation (but we totally don't count ourselves as this! It barely counts! I swear!!). But I think we've all been in situations where you  just want to tell your friends to go outside the circle already and find some new lady pools to dip in!

Take a look at this list. If 2 or more ring a bell, you may be guilty of the various subtle shades of lesbian incest:

1. You're besties with your ex(es)
2. All your friends are exes
3. You met your current lady friend through your ex girlfriend
4. Your lady friend is your roommate's ex, but she's totally over her so it's cool
5. When you meet a new potential lady friend, you slyly ask your friends if they knew her, in the Biblical sense
6. Your girlfriend's ex is now dating your ex, and the four of you have potlucks together regularly
7. You and your friends swap lady friends so much it's like that show Friends, but GAY!! I guess that would mean it's like the L Word, like when Shane started dating Jenny, so gross, amirite? But to keep myself sane I just pretend that season didn't happen.
8. Your girlfriend and you have a (or several) one-night-stand(s) in common
9. When I spoke of dating outside your circle of friends, you were confused and/or befuddled
10. Your current lady friend is also an ex lady friend

So ladies, while meeting special lady friends through other friends is a good thing, sometimes you need to make new lady friends, you know, just to keep things interesting and the gene pool viable. Give it a try sometime, you may like it.

Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (You Should Not Put Inside Your Vagina)

... JUST SAY NO.

OMG The goddess is strong within me today!: Over-Sharing lesbians

Now lesbos, some of you may feel that we have covered over sharing in the things not to say on a first date chapter, but we feel the need to elaborate. Lesbians like to share feelings, and we are no exception to this rule. However, as silly as it may sound, there are times when you can share your feelings too much. Think about it and you'll know what I'm talking about. We all have that friend (or two or three) who put every single feeling that goes through their soul on their facebook or twitter page. So much so that you don't even need to wait for a sad text to know that they've broken up with their lady friend and/or hooked up with a hot new lady. If someone who you haven't spoken to in years (like your old high school chum), but who is your facebook pal, can tell your whole dating history solely based on status updates, then  you are probably guilty of over sharing.

Tip 1: Don't get sucked into your social media sites to the point of no return. If you are ever tempted to update your online accounts in ways similar to the following examples, just put down the laptop/cellphone and go do something else: read a cheesy novel, watch the L word (or Rizolli & Isles, the gayest show that was ever not gay), play softball, etc.

• Why am I so sad/angry/depressed/verklempt today? OMG!!
• I had the BEST DATE last night! She's a keeper!
• "So you say you don't want to stay together anymore" or any song lyrics that are posted passive-aggressively to one person in form of status update. Just don't put up song lyrics, ever. 
• Woke up in someone else's bed this morning LOL!!
• It's good to know who your real friends are. (again, passive-aggressiveness is annoying)
•  This too shall pass (with no explanation of the "this", because we all know no one really cares or understands)
• I miss my baby/love muffin/ honey pie/ cupcake
• Jesus/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster Rocks today!!!!
• I'm so drunk right now! Par-tay!
• I'm sooooo tired! (tagging your lady friend, so we all know what you were doing- it's gross)
• This sucks! (again, if you don't specify what the "this" is, you sound like an angsty teen, who as we discussed in a previous posts, are not hot)

Tip 2. Things you should never put on your facebook profile:

• Photos of you making out/ making googly eyes with your lady friend. You may think it's cute, but it's not. Don't be 12, take them down.
• Angsty music videos- see tip number 1
• Links to articles about  being broken-hearted after a break-up, or how love makes you live longer after meeting a new lady friend.

Tip 3: Email, text messages, and other private messages exist for a reason. If you are tempted to leave long love letters to your best lady friend, or emote about how much you miss her sweet lady kisses while you are at work, click that "message" button and put it to good use! No one else needs to read your confessions.

Inappropriate facebook wall posts to your lady friend/ too many words are bad:

1. Marry me baby! I want to be your life-mate!
2. You are my soulmate/soultwin/soulbond, I just love you so much!!!!!
3. I miss you more than words can say, I wish you were sitting right next to me right now :'(
4. Last night was soooooo fun ;-)
5. It was just one time! Forgive me?
6. Good news- the test results are negative! :-o

What you should do instead:

1. Propose in person, even if you're all hip with the technology and stuff, facebook proposals are tacky
2. Send an email or text!
3. I miss you! (simple, short, and acceptable if your lady friend has been gone for awhile, like a week at least)
4. Again- text message. Text message flirting is fun!
5. Cheating confessions should be made in person, not in a public forum
6. Um.... obviously, in person again.

Other times when you should keep things to yourself:

When you have been talking to a new lady for a short time, don't divulge all your secrets. You may have made it through your first date following Indigo Labrys' advice, but that doesn't mean you should overshare on date 2 or 3! For an example of what not to do, let me share with you a text message conversation I had with a lady (whom I hadn't met in person yet) which caused me to cringe in horror, and stop talking to her:

Inappropriate Girl: Hey [note- never just text "hey" to someone, even your good lady friend, it's annoying]

Me: hey, what's up [this was my error- never answer inane text messages, even when you're waiting in line for something and are really bored, as in my case]

[standard text message about what we were doing]

Inappropriate Girl: So, do you ever want to get married?

Me: [internally] !!!!!!! WTF this girl is cray-cray!!!!!!

Needless to say, I called a friend, who advised I tell Inappropriate Girl that was an uncool question, so she would learn the error of her ways. I did- she was displeased. And proceeded to post an over-share facebook status. I can't remember exactly, but I think it was to the effect of "Guess I have to move on now." [Please note, we had never spoken on the phone, let alone met in person, so I wasn't aware we were dating- see a future post on breaking up for more on this story]. I proceeded to ignore all her subsequent text messages. Let this be a lesson to you all, sistren. Marriage/children/commitment questions are never appropriate to ask to someone you are not actually dating/haven't been dating for more than a few months AT LEAST!!

To sum it up- your facebook wall/status updates are not a private love letter to your lady friend. Love letters can be fun, sweet, or sexy, but the point of them is they are PRIVATE between the TWO of you, not you and all of your hundreds of online pals. They don't want to know. No matter how happy you are, how much you want to shout from the rooftops about your lady love, keep it under control.

Student-teacher relationships, and why they should never happen

Have you watched "Loving Annabelle" and thought, hey, that looks sexy, I want to try that! We are here to tell you that while you are free to think that all you want sistren, actually doing so is wrong. Completely, and totally wrong. If you are not convinced purely by your undying trust in me alone, let me give you my reasons.

If you are a teacher:
Being educators ourselves, we cannot fathom why someone would find their student attractive. Students don't know things! This is why they are in your class! People who don't know things are not sexy! Lessons can be naughty fun in the bedroom, and innocently fun in the classroom, but the two are totally different and should NEVER meet. Ever. But I digress.

First, as lesbian sistren, you should already be aware of the ways power works in our society. When you are in a position of authority over someone, you have power over them, no matter how benevolent of a leader you strive to be. It is rapey to take advantage of this power and hit on a student. Even if that student is cute, or your age (or older even!), or is crushing on you too. There are policies and laws against such couplings for good reasons my friends!

"But what if they are really really cute and keep hitting on me, and I think we may be soulmates?" you may ask. Tough titty! As long as you are in charge of someone's grades, on their thesis committee, or too old to be in a legal relationship, it is never OK to act on these feelings. If you really think you're soulmates, then wait till you no longer have a working relationship with this person (assuming they are an adult capable of consent- if not, then you are gross and I no longer want to make you a friendship bracelet for reading this masterpiece). Then if the fires are still stoking both of your lady loins, go ahead and ask her to accompany you to a roller derby match.

My advice is to go meet some hot ladies online like normal people do, who are not in your classroom, and ride off into the sunset together. Or watch Xena.

If you are a student:
Are you secretly crushing on your teacher? It may not be as secret as you think, ladies always know about these things. So if your professor refuses to meet with you alone in her office, or always makes sure the door is wide open, she is probably protecting herself against claims of sexual harassment. It's perfectly fine to have a crush on your teacher, it can make class go by faster, and you'll probably get better grades because you're paying attention to every word she says (or that better be what you're paying attention to, young lady!). However, don't expect it to be returned. Hit on the cute nerdy girl who knows her stuff instead, then you can have sexy study dates instead of spending your time pining for someone who's unattainable.

If you find you just can't control yourself and must hit on your teacher, try to resist until after the grades are posted. Ladies should always show decorum, and you wouldn't want your potential love interest to think you're only hitting on her to get a better grade, would you? I didn't think so. As a lady lovin' lady, you should value deep, meaningful communication. Plus, later when you are processing the early beginnings of your relationship, you can talk about the agony of waiting- doesn't that sound fun?

Now if you're in the opposite situation and a teacher/professor is hitting on you, run. And report the bitch. Any professor/teacher/educator who would try to use their power (because no matter what they say, that's what's happening) to get laid, is gross, and you can do better. Much better. Consent and equal power in relationships is sexy, my dear sistren.

And lastly, please don't embarrass our kind and be the lesbian version of  Mary Kay Letourneau. Just don't.