An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.

I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).

(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)

Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.

(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.

You know how when you bought that house near Conor Kennedy (and decided to hang on to it even after you broke up) everyone freaked out on you and said you were stalking him and stuff? For lesbians, this is called U-Hauling, and it is not only totally acceptable but commonplace. No one would have been surprised at all if you were dating a lady instead of Conor and did this. You could have followed her, followed her home and people would have been supportive and brought you cookies and candles and cats and other nice housewarming presents.

While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.

(3) Last Kiss

Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.

(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina

No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.

(5) It’s All About the Process

Guess who loves to process? Lesbians. Guess who else loves to process? You. And it’s not like you don’t know it! Sistren Brambles (hereafter known as “Brambles”) did some “research” on you / was just reading about your life because she cares, and she found this gem: Of your typical relationship, you say, “It usually lasts four and a half months, and then it all just disintegrates. Then I spend, like, a year and a half mourning the loss of it.” AND NEVER LETTING GO. You and every lesbian ever, Taylor. If you dated a woman, not only would you get to touch boobs and such, you could work out your feelings BEFORE committing them to song. Imagine the possibilities.

(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT

The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”

Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.

Late Bloomers: Lesbian Puberty

Some of my sistren have known they're gay from birth, or pretty close to it. They went through their formative years rolling their eyes (or pretending to care) when their straight friends went all boy crazy in elementary/middle school, all the while knowing that greener grass was just over the fence. Now sistren, I too rolled my eyes, but I had no idea that it was because I was a gay lady. I just thought I didn't care about boys; I didn't know I really liked girls. Ah well, we each have our own gay journey towards enlightenment.

I know what you're thinking- but Not Allured, you're SO GAY! Like SUPER gay! Yes sistren it is true, but until my early-mid 20's, I had not come to this self-realization yet, and even (gasp!) dated a few of the not-so-fairer sex. And these weren't horrifying experiences, I just came away from them with a feeling of "meh, I can skip that." (Much like the feeling I had looking at the non-date sweater, but thankfully that sweater had an awesome lady inside, which made up for its appearance).

For those of you who came out later in life, you probably went through lesbian puberty. You know, that time all your friends went through in junior high when they were giggling over boys and making you look at posters of Justin Taylor Thomas/Timberlake/Bieber, whichever the case may be, and obsessed over their crushes while you just tried to understand what all the fuss was about. Well, now that you've figured out that you're batting for the other team, you finally get it, and want to make an even bigger fuss about it. Yay fun times! I was discussing this with a straight friend recently, and she was horrified at Indigo Labrys's and my nonchalant discussion of this phenomenon. "But puberty sucks!" she proclaimed. "That sounds terrible!" We assured her that it was not so, for these reasons:

1. Your body has already changed! Your skin is clearer, your haircut is better, and your mom didn't pick out your outfit (hopefully). No worries here- you've already got it, and can flaunt it at will.
2. You may have already had some dating experience, so you have more of a clue of what you're doing (though hetero dating isn't exactly equivalent, you can use this formative experience to your advantage!)
3. You are older and wiser, and fingers crossed, can make slightly-less-awkward first date small talk (though who are we kidding, first date small talk is awkward by definition)
4. You FINALLY get what the big deal is, after hearing your non-sistren friends gush about cute boys for years. Now you can join in and gush about cute girls, which is way more fun.
5. You hopefully don't live at your parents' house, so it makes the potential for apres-date romance much higher, and classier! No making out in cars for you, newly out lesbian.
6. You get to experience butterflies in the stomach and all those goofy feelings, which are fun no matter how old you are.
7. You've done your homework and watched the L Word/ bad lesbian movies, and thus have had a distorted though possibly helpful preview of lez-sexy times
8. You know a thing or two about ladies, as you are one yourself. You may not understand them, but you are aware of this and have accepted it.
9. You're probably over 21 so can hop on over to a lady bar and grab a little liquid courage while checking out the hotties on the dance floor.
10. If your other friends are straight/ figured out they were gay before they finished teething, they can help you in your lady-lovin' quest and be a means of moral support. My friends were pretty awesome during this period of my life- thanks pals!

However sistren, don't get too carried away! Beware of these faux-pas:

1. Don't be too eager. The first (or several) ladies you meet may not be compatible with you, so don't try to force yourself on someone just because they're a lady-lovin' lady.
2. Don't jump for the first lady who'll have you, either. You're older and wiser, take your time choosing your new life companion.
3. Don't be a douche. You don't get to act like a teenager just because you're going through lesbian puberty. Don't date multiple people without telling them, don't get drunk and try to make out with your friend's girlfriend, don't wake up in someone else's bed and wonder how the heck you got there. Be cool.
4. Don't be dumb- safe sex is sexy. You don't have the excuse of youth and crappy sex-ed classes to make poor decisions, get yourself edumacated.
5. Don't be an ass. Review Indigo Labrys' tips for surviving a first date, and charm them with your suave self. 
6. Don't try to dress like Shane. Because you'll be spotted as a newbie immediately.
7. Don't try to be "the most lesbianest lesbian that was ever lesbian," and suddenly get all more-lesbian-than-thou, judging your bisexual/queer/straight/trans friends as not as cool as you
8. Don't try to force your other queer-but-don't-know-it friends (or really cute straight girls) out of the closet- each in their own time, sistren.
9. Don't immediately take up: softball, cat herding, poetry writing, drum circle playing, potluck attending, homo depot shopping, spoken word performing, interpretive dancing, etc., unless you actually enjoy these activities.
10. Don't feel like you have to rearrange your whole life just because you came out- you're still you! Unless you were previously a nun or fundamentalist, in which case complete change is probably necessary.

So if you feel like you're a little tardy to the party, don't stress. The lady train is always boarding.

Keeping You a Secret: What Not to Spill on Your First Date

Dating is hard. Ladies are hot. When confronted with the hotness of other ladies, you may be overwhelmed by your feelings because you want to touch bodies. Or souls. This may lead you to say and do things that you don’t really mean. Or say and do things that you shouldn’t. You may be out of the closet, but some skeletons need to stay in the closet, at least until the second date.

“But Indigo Labrys!” you may say. “What specifically do I need to avoid saying in order to have sexytimes slash forge a soulbond with another woman?” Don’t worry, my delicate flowers. I am here to help you.

Let’s start with the basics: don’t lie. When your lovely and lithesome lesbian ladyfriend mentions that she really enjoys embroidering cat-themed wall-hangings, don’t pretend to be interested in cats, embroidery, or walls – unless you really are. It never works out. Once you take her home to make sweet passionate love, she will notice the absence of cat-themed wall-hangings and it will create a huge, cat-shaped hole in her heart, and she will never have sex with you, ever.

Does this mean you should tell the truth?

NO!!!!!!!

You should never tell the truth on a first date. You may think, while you’re exchanging soulful glances over coffee, that she seems really genuine, and like, just really real and emotionally honest, you know? Why should you lie to her? You shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it just be better if you were forthright about everything? I mean, you’d want to know about how amazing the sex with her last girlfriend was, right? Oh, wait. No, you wouldn’t.

You should avoid the following subjects on a first date:

… your ex (and how special she was to you, and how you’re still friends, but don’t worry, you’re totally over her).

… your plans for marriage. This is coffee, not a commitment ceremony, for God’s / Amy Ray’s sake.

… your years of electroshock therapy and how sometimes you hallucinate about people who aren’t really there and also you have terrible insomnia which is why sometimes you have conversations with the toaster and see strange glowing lights shooting out of your fingertips. (This has happened. It should NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN).

… moving-in together. (Save this for the 365^th date. It’ll be really special and magical, I promise).

… anything you talk about with your therapist. (Except the weather. That’s ok).

… how lonely you are and how awesome it is to meet someone who really gets you. (You really get me, right?)

… your past lives. (I think I know you from somewhere, don’t I?)

… her past lives. (And how you’re meant to be together!!1!! No really, just don’t).

… how your cats really need a second mommy. (Actually, avoid the word “mommy” altogether. It’s an unsexy word).

… weird things that happened in your childhood that make you seem like a psychopath. (For example: I painted watercolors of the Hindenberg exploding! And drew pictures of various hostage situations! And made 3-D art of flies sucking on people’s blood, emphasis on the blood! And told everyone at my tenth birthday party how much it sucked to die from the bubonic plague! I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS. And maybe I will. But guess when I wouldn’t do that? ON A FIRST DATE).

… the third season of the L Word. You will both cry, and it will not be sexy.

… felonies you have committed. (And I know it seems like an obvious segue from talking about the L Word, but I promise it isn’t).

… and because it needs to be said again: women who done wronged you. I can only think of a *handful* of first dates where this hasn’t come up, and this is a shame, because there are plenty of fun things to talk about, like kittens and rainbows and ice cream and vegan recipes and how much you both like other ladies.

In short: secret feelings should be kept a SECRET. You can share them while you're processing later and healing each other's secret pain will only bring you closer together, like lesbian magnets.