Lesbian Aunting!

Dear readers, my sister sent me a picture of my nephew in one of my custom onesies, which reminded me I wanted to share them with you! Let it be an inspiration to those of you who wish to clothe your tiny relatives in awesomeness. (Tater Tot was my nephew's in-utero nickname). If you have other ideas for shirts my nephew should wear, please share them in the comments!

Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?

Sistren, Indigo Labrys and I have recently returned from (separate) family vacations with our lady friends. It thus seemed time to talk about surviving this u-haul rite of passage with all two of you readers, and so I hope you enjoy this vignette.

For part of our recent vacay, the Librarian and I went on a four-day rafting trip with my dad. Just the three of us, on a raft, on a no trace river. In case you don't recognize that term, that means you have to take everything out with you. Everything. Just think about it for a second.

This led to many bonding experiences over conversations about the "groover" (camp toilet): how to use it, where to use it, why you shouldn't tip it over, how to carry it on the boat, how to squat over it without falling over, how to manage the toilet paper (hint, don't drop the only roll in the river on the 2nd day, which I may or may not have done), what to do if you have your period while using it (which became relevant on day 2- bad timing), etc. This also led to comments from my dad to the Librarian like "your ass is really white!" when he turned around too soon.

Before leaving on the trip, the Librarian and I went out with one of my old pals (also a fabulous gay lady) whom I've known since high school. She also knows my dad pretty well. When we told her about these plans, she asked, "Has she ever spent much time with your dad?" in a voice which insinuated that the librarian needed to be mentally prepared.

She had not, and I had been prepping her by warning her about all the lectures we would be getting about the proper way to tie knots and get into the boat (we kinda sucked at both of those things), and the constant teasing she would be subjected to. It only took two days for my dad to give her the first of a few new nicknames, which I will not repeat to keep our domestic harmony intact. But they were pretty funny, I can assure you.

Despite all these moments of ridiculousness, and the fact that the Librarian ended the trip with a wicked sunburn, we had a good time. I was a bit worried she would leave this trip thinking "omg, what have I gotten myself into?!" as my Dad can be a bit much sometimes, and we are also very, very similar. But I'm not as crotchety. Hopefully.... Anyway, the librarian and my dad got along great, we all had fun, and my lady friend has seen my family for the crazy that we are, and did not break up with me upon returning to civilization.

We hope to go on another rafting trip with him, if he'll consent to it. Typical of a dad, he still thinks I'm the same size I was in high school (which wasn't petite then either, let me tell you), and so grossly underestimated how much extra weight two adult women would add to his boat. Oh well, he got some good exercise.

From this experience, we want to offer our sistren these helpful tips:

• Just nod and agree with anything the parents out-of-law say. "Yes, I do find knot tying fascinating! Please tell me more!" 
• Accept instructions on how to do something you've been able to do successfully since the age of 12 gracefully. "Why thank you for telling me that a lid over the pan will make the food cook faster! Genius!"
• Accept their food preferences, no matter how off-putting or strange. "30 cloves of garlic in one dish? An entire Costco-sized bag of brussels sprouts? Sounds delicious!" (this is not an exaggeration)
• Ask for their advice on something- they love this! "How likely do you think it is that someone will come down the river this late?"
• Don't hold a grudge when their advice turns out wrong "Highly unlikely! Nobody will float by while you pee!" (shortly thereafter, two dudes may or may not have floated past and stared at the aforementioned white ass)
• No matter what you do, don't drop the toilet paper in the water!

We hope that all your family vacations will be full of wholesome bonding moments such as ours.

Separated for the Holidays? A Coping Guide

If your families live far apart, or are not cool with your lady-loving ways, you and your companion may have to separate for the holidays. It can be tough to be separated from your lady lovah during these times of laughter and good cheer, but we are here to help you with these timely tips:

1. Constant text messaging. Did you just see a snowflake? A cute kitten? A cloud shaped kind of like the birthmark on her thigh? She needs to know these things immediately! Why wait for a phone call, email, or holiday card? This way it is like she is experiencing your every moment with you, despite your physical difference.
2. Video messages. Record a sweet or sexy (you naughty thing!) video for your love muffin and send away! Or, post to her facebook wall so that everyone is aware of your luurrvveee for each other. This will also keep the bitches away while you're apart- you must claim your woman as yours!
3. Nightly phone calls. "You hang up, no you hang up!" These goodnight chats can bring your closer together.
4. Bombard her twitter or facebook page as much as possible. Send her video clips of sad songs so she knows you are incomplete without her, pictures of sad homeless puppies, empty chairs, anything to show that your soul is incomplete without her by your side. 
5. Cosmic connection. Clearly, as lesbians we are cosmically and spiritually connected to our partners, from the moment we gaze lovingly and soulfully into each others' eyes. You might think that this means you don't need to follow the first four tips- but that would be wrong, sistren. You must maintain constant vigilance against the forces that would tear your unbreakable bond apart.