Gettin' Hitched: The big day!

Sistren, I know everyone says this, but our wedding was perfect. We were in a beautiful place that we had basically to ourselves, were with people we love, had weather that cooperated and did not blow away our fascinators, and it was gorgeous and wonderful. After a near six-year relationship marriage doesn't change our day-to-day lives that much, but it made us really happy to get married and affirm our commitment to each other and our relationship. So without further ado, I wanted to share with our two readers some moments from the day.

First, did I mention how gorgeous the setting was? We went to a short mountain trail that's beautiful but doesn't require a long hike to get there, as the Old Marrieds had the OoOM (Offspring of Old Marrieds) in tow. It's a very popular spot, and we managed to get the timing just right. Sunrise was happening as we drove up, so by the time we got to the parking area all the sunrise seekers were hiking down and driving away. We managed to have the ceremony in the window between sunrise viewers and morning hikers. Only a few people walked by during the ceremony, and they all saw what was happening and kept walking by quietly. Thanks random strangers, we appreciate you!

Here we are (me in turquoise, The Librarian in yellow) looking out before the ceremony. Our fascinators didn't blow away despite the wind- I'll be sure to add that to my Etsy review! Something to think about for any other mountain-top wedding preparations. And yes we are both wearing grey Columbia fleeces...don't judge.

Not Pastor Skip did a great job with our ceremony. He started by mentioning the space and the hike as part of the ceremony- in the picture above we have arrived at the boardwalk which led to our rocky outcrop of choice. Notice Indigo Labrys's amazing best-homo cat rainbow backpack! But anyway- the ceremony was short and sweet and included a mention of the non-date sweater and other funny pieces of our relationship.

The ceremony also included the "words of affirmation" from each of the Old Marrieds and our Best Homo. It was really special to hear them in this place, and they were lovely and thoughtful. I think they all put more time into their words than we did with our vows- thank y'all! We loved it. The picture above shows us in our post-ceremony bliss! Notice those amazing wedding T-shirts! I am stoked to be able to wear mine again and tell people I got married in it, just to see their reactions!

After the ceremony we put our fleeces back on and had a wedding toast. It was a little chilly on the mountain! Though I wore shorts so that my rainbow laces and wedding hiking socks would show. I decided not to wear long johns with the shorts, cause then I really would have looked like my father, which is not a wedding look I wanted to go for. Anyway, The Librarian's flask had Caol Ila whiskey and mine had Krupnikas and the wedding entourage had their choice between the two. For this moment we used flasks from a local distillery (that makes the Krupnikas- so good y'all) and used a wedding present REI gift card to get some camping shot glasses. So worth it. The shots helped warm us up and were a great way to celebrate! OoOM had apple juice, though he was really eyeing the whiskey.

Next we hiked up to a higher vista and it got sunnier and even more beautiful as we went. Check out that stunning fall scenery!

We paused many times for photos- like this soft-focus one of The Librarian's ring against this pretty red bark. 

I thought my wedding day was appropriate for jazz hands and posing on rocky parts of the trail. 

After we hiked back down, it was necessary to get a picture of the wedding party in our matching hiking socks. These were the ones that were the closest to our wedding colors and came in sizes big enough for Old Married 1, and we love them!

The wedding festivities ended with an amazing lunch at a brewery near our mountain trail. The perfect end to a perfect day, and we were done by 2! We parted ways from our wedding entourage and drove through the mountains to our honeymoon location. We even stopped for a short hike to a waterfall on the way. 

 Again, we loved our wedding day! If any of you are gettin' hitched, I hope you love yours as much as we loved ours.

Gettin' Hitched: A wedding colors photo shoot

Greeting Sistren, the mini-series on my and The Librarian's wedding continues. I think I harmed our good karma with the last post about how easy the planning was because the ring The Librarian originally picked out is no longer being made, so we picked another yesterday. But she likes it even better than the original and it's going to look great, so yay!

Today's topic: wedding colors. Weddings colors you say? Why yes, this is one of those things you're supposed to have. And because we love nothing more than conforming, we have them! Lemon and turquoise. The picture below should tell you why.

That's right, at The Librarian's insistence (I swear!), we have wedding colors, picked from the lining of our hiking boots. Naturally, we both have Keens. The Librarian also made me do this photo shoot twice, as the first time she said you couldn't tell that hers were yellow. For someone who had to be nagged into getting married, she sure is opinionated and particular all of a sudden. Did I mention that it was not I, but The Librarian, who wanted this blog to temporarily become about our wedding? Like I mentioned last time, nagging works!!!

Here's some shots from the original shoot, featuring our cute dog!

Contemplating the sanctity of marriage.

Remains dubious.

Like good lesbians, we also had to have our kitties involved. Should we use this photo to send out a formal announcement?

Kitties!

Other lady-lovin' ladies out there, what are your wedding colors? For how many of you is the answer 'rainbow'?What is the color of the lining your hiking boots? Stay tuned in the weeks/months ahead for more sporadic wedding posts. 

Gettin' Hitched: How to Plan a Wedding in 2 Weeks

Hi all, we're taking a break from our regularly scheduled snark to gush a small amount: The Librarian and I are getting married! Yay for entering a patriarchal, heteronormative institution! We decided awhile ago (well, I did at least) that we wanted to get married when it was federal so now's the time! Thanks SCOTUS!

While we have had lots of fun attending weddings of family and friends, the thought of planning our own is way too stressful. Instead, we're having a very, very small and low-key ceremony. I'll be posting a few things about our nuptials to help out either of our 2 readers who may be planning for their own civil muffin ceremony. So without further ado, I give you my tips to plan a wedding in two weeks. Though our actual wedding isn't happening for awhile, our planning is essentially done! Hooray!

1. Harass your girlfriend until she consents to marry you. With The Librarian, this was a work in progress! As with all things she freaks out about, I just kept bringing it up until eventually she agreed with me. One night a few months ago, I said something like "let's look at wedding rings" and instead of responding with her usual "Ughhh! No!" she said "OK." Shocked, I checked that she had not suffered from a stroke, and made sure she was actually consenting to marriage. She replied "You knew you'd get your way eventually" and proceeded to look at rings with me. Win! I am definitely the Mark to her Allen in our relationship. So keep nagging ladies and you'll eventually get your way!
2. Have siblings who have paved the way to not having a wedding. My sister and bro-in-law got married at a quicky place in the city where they lived, and didn't tell anyone for NINE MONTHS. That's right. They moved right after they tied the knot and everyone in their new town knew them as a married couple, but none of their friends and family were any wiser. So since we are at least telling people before the event, we're doing great!
3. Have siblings who've had big-ish weddings. On The Librarian's side, her siblings both had traditional weddings with the dress, reception, the whole she-bang. Since that has been covered by my out-of-laws we feel no familial obligation to do it ourselves. Thanks guys!
4. Live in a place with a discriminatory legal system that allows you to plan the event before you can actually do it. Because I've been scheming to marry The Librarian for a few years now so I had basically decided what I wanted to do a long time ago (as previously discussed, she always comes to my side). We have the fascinator picked out, the spot, the people, and that's all we care about so it was easy! We just had to put the plan in action once we had the green light. While if you live in the U.S. you don't have this advantage anymore, start planning early in line with Tip #1 above. 
5. Make a list of all your family and realize it's a ridiculous amount of people. Then throw away the list. We decided having a lot of people was not worth the stress and expense, especially as we had 60+ with family alone. Yikes! We love y'all, but no.
6. Pick a spot that's hard to get to. In line with throwing out your list, pick a spot they couldn't all fit anyway. I don't want to get married at the courthouse because people get sentenced to jail and pay parking tickets there, so it seems like bad juju. Instead, we've picked a pretty spot in the mountains. It's a short hike, but a hike nonetheless, and there's definitely not enough space for 60+ people on the mountain, let alone in the tiny parking lot. We decided it's more important to us to be in a spot we love and have the ceremony be about us and our relationship, rather than including everyone we care about. 
7. Be old. Not being in our 20s, we are more removed from our parents and immediate families and so don't feel like we have to please anyone with our personal decisions. This is great for doing what you want and not being pressured into having a big celebration, a dress you hate, accommodating everyone, etc. Not that our families would be high maintenance, but the more people you include the more opinions there are. And we're both super stubborn and don't like being told what to do. Many people we know who did get married in their 20s and had bigger weddings have expressed jealousy at our low-key plans so we feel pretty smug about it. 
8. Have a friend who's conveniently a pastor IRL.  Even though I'm a heathen, we're being married by a pastor. Not Pastor Skip, as I'll call him. He's in my cohort at PhD school and has a desk in the same shared office space as me. So as soon as I had obtained consent from The Librarian, I asked Not Pastor Skip how he felt about mountains and heights, and we had our officiant. 
9. Get a tiny wedding entourage. Going with our low-key plan of not having anyone fly out for our wedding, we're not going to have our folks or siblings there. We'd love to have them there, but see numbers 6 and 7 for not inviting them. Plus, our families live far away so when they come we want to visit and hang out, which is not something we want to do after we get hitched. So instead, we're just having Not Pastor Skip; Indigo Labrys as our Best Homo/Queer; and our friends/family Old Married 1 and Old Married 2 as our witnesses. Offspring of Old Marrieds will be our ring bearer in spirit though he's not allowed anywhere near our actual rings (sorry OoOMs, you don't have enough motor skills yet). 
10. Only do the traditions that matter to you and your woman. Since we're not going traditional, we are just picking the things we like and skipping everything else. It makes the planning a lot easier. We're having rings (already ordered!), a tiered cake (at a simple party several months later), and that's pretty much it. Easier than playing 'spot the lesbian' at a Tegan and Sara concert. 

So that's it folks! I'll post more later about our actual plans as we ready ourselves to enter the world of conservative legalized relationships!

Engagement and Wedding Photos for us Lady-Loving Ladies!

Hi friends! It's been an embarrassingly long time since since we have posted- we blame dissertating for everything. 

As the SCOTUS will (hopefully) soon decide that everyone can enter the problematic, patriarchal institution of marriage regardless of their sexual orientation, we anticipate seeing an increase in lesbian weddings in our social circles. A time to rejoice! A time to make drunken toasts, eat bland catered food, and dance to classic hits such as "YMCA" and "We are Family." 

What could be better than a wedding? Fancy engagement and wedding photos, of course! I recently read this hilarious article about how annoying engagement photos are, and another friend sent me this absurd list of "don't miss" shots for your wedding. They're filled with ideas like shots of your clasped hands, pictures of the bride crying and/or hugging family members, and gendered portraits of the wedding party getting ready on the big day. I feel like we can do better, don't you? 

So without further ado, here are some suggestions for your engagement and wedding photos that truly represent our lady loving communities. As one of my PhD buddies' suggested, I will use Bride A and Bride 1 to "prevent hierarchy," cause we're all about equality here.

Engagement Shots

1. To playfully acknowledge that your marriage won't signal lesbian bed death, pose in a cemetery lying artfully on a mattress. Close your eyes and touch each others' faces for extra flair. 
2. Gingerly hold "Future Mrs. and Mrs." signs and far away from your bodies. Bonus points if you're gagging. 
3. A close-up of your cat-hair covered legs, seated side-by-side on the couch. 
4. Your fur-children wearing rainbow collars and holding a little sign with your wedding date!
5. Your wedding rings artfully placed on a pair of scissors. 

Wedding Shots

1. Bride 1 aggressively dancing at Bride A, while A cowers in embarrassment.
2. Bride A and Bride 1 getting dressed by themselves, cause we are all independent, self-sufficient adults. 
3. The wedding party drinking cocktails before the ceremony, instead of applying makeup or fixing their hair. Who wants to do those things when you can enjoy adult beverages?
4. Slightly uncomfortable straight wedding guests (preferably distant relatives who aren't sure what they think of the gays) with fake smiles plastered on their faces. 
5. Bride 1 making crazy eyes at Bride A during their vows- Bride A looking exasperated. 
6. The brides' fur-children wearing tuxes, fascinators, vests, etc. It's important to involve your whole family in the big day!
7. Standing in front of your closet filled with flannel shirts and sensible shoes. 
8. A sign of your getaway Suburu with "Just Merged" written on the back window. 

 

What other photo ideas do you have for the big day?

Dating a PhD Schooler: Survival Tips

Hello sistren! Sorry we have been so neglectful. Because PhD school keeps us both from blogging as much as we should, I thought I would procrastinate from my own PhD work this morning to bring you another blog post. And to keep it kind of on topic with the work I should be doing, we bring you a survival guide for dating a lady in PhD school. If you have your own tips, please leave them in the comments.

Ok, so congratulations, you've met a super smart/insane lady who's in PhD school! PhD school is awesome! But dating a lady who's in PhD school can create some unique challenges for a relationship (just ask The Librarian), and we are here to help! Follow our advice and you may be on your way to domestically merged bliss with your favorite nerd.

Tip 1: Don't take her study snacks
When writing PhD things, special juju is required. Writing pants (this is a real thing- one of my professors told us so), your desk and chair at just the right angle, and writing snacks. If your lady friend has designated something as a writing snack, don't try to eat them/ask her to share. It will end badly. Even one- asking for one is still too many.

Tip 2: If she picks a fight over something stupid, she's probably stressed
Or maybe this is just me? Several times, mostly at night, when my brain was trying to wind down, I would decide to pick a fight over something dumb like laundry. If your lady friend is doing this, ask her (at a time when she won't explode at you) if she's just stressed out from PhD school. The answer is probably yes- and if this pattern can be figured out by your PhD school lady, she can do something to alleviate this stress in more productive/ less annoying ways.

Tip 3: Expect to hear a lot of talk about things/people you don't care about
This one came directly from The Librarian (and I would like to maintain that she SHOULD care about my incessant prattling about my theoretical frameworks/ scholar crushes/ classmates/ professors). But seriously- like most people who have an all-consuming job/career/study something, your lady friend will probably talk about her school stuff ALL the time. All the time. So do your best to nod and ask interested questions, and expect a quiz later (what do you MEAN you don't know who Betty Brainy is? I told you about her yesterday when I was relating in painful detail all the people I met at the conference!!). You've been warned.

Tip 4: Don't get upset if she can't go to the Amy Ray concert with you
Your PhD lady will likely not be able to go to all the fun things you want to share with her because:
1) Grad students are poor. Really, really poor. This will especially come up if you ask her to do something at the end of the month/right before pay day. Or after she's gotten back from a conference and spent all her funds on traveling. Save the really nice things for early in the month when that stipend is fresh in her bank account! Plan to cook dinner instead of going out, and generally do things that are not going to cost a lot of money (and realize her "a lot" may be different from yours).
2) She is busy. Really, really busy. You may wonder how someone who only has a part time job (this is what she means when she refers to her assistantship) can be so busy. They key to remember is a PhD student is never, ever off work. We work all the time, and when we're not, we feel guilty about not working. It's a sickness. And while sometimes we should stop working (see the next tip), a lot of the time this is hard if not impossible. So if she refuses your invitation, but asks to hang out another time or seems genuinely regretful, she may really be saying she can't go- don't think she's not that into you (unless other signs point in this direction). It may also help to find out when is  her best work time (trust me, she'll know), and try not to ask to hang out during those times. I have been known to refuse to do something fun with The Librarian if it's in the morning, which is when I write best.

Tip 5: Get her to take a break now and then.
Now, while she will be working A LOT try to get her to take a break sometimes. But, be sure you ask her if 1) whatever she's working on is due tomorrow/in a few hours, 2) if she is on schedule with whatever she's working on. If the answers are no and yes, put a glass of wine in her hand, dangle her hiking shoes in front of her face, whatever floats your boat. She'll thank you later, and be more productive after a brain rest/ spending time with her special lady. And this may help her remember that it takes two to have a relationship/dating fun time and she should come out from her study cave and hang out with you.

Tip 6: Celebrate her successes and milestones together. 
PhD school is hard! It makes the successes along the way all the more meaningful. So did your lady friend get a publication, pass her comps, her proposal, finish her coursework, get a presentation in the big conference? That's a cause for celebration, in whatever way y'all like best. (The Librarian recommends keeping your bar stocked for cocktails- this works for Tip 5 too). While she will also want to celebrate these with her Phd School friends*, she'll want to celebrate them with you too, especially if you've followed the other tips and been an awesomely supportive lady friend during these times of trial. Besides, who doesn't love multiple celebrations? She may even thank you in her dissertation acknowledgement section, and hasn't everyone dreamed of that?

*Note: Sometimes she may want to celebrate just with her PhD school buddies, and this is OK. Remember, if you have read our other posts, you should still have other friends who you also hang out with without her. And while separation is hard, it can make the heart grow fonder!
From The Librarian: "Don't let them think I am a clingbot!" [She isn't sistren! She is really great at not being clingy and never caring when I go hang out with friends solo]. "This is a really intense experience, and she is going to bond with her classmates."

And there you have it folks, good luck navigating the PhD school journey from the Sig-O perspective. You may wish to find others in this situation so you can bond/ share war stories/ emote about how sick you are of hearing about school. Other friends are great!

Buck Up or Shut Up (Or, Why Academics Suck at Getting Laid)

Greetings, my sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; fear not, my feelings remain as plentiful and prone to over-sharing as ever!

Today, the Librarian’s Lesbian Lover and I got together this morning to work on our respective academic projects; however, we soon realized that my work, at least, needed to be put on hold in order to give some timely advice to our friends.

Two of our fair sistren are experiencing relationship woes and have (wisely or not) asked Not Allured and I for advice. (I’m just being modest. You should definitely ask us for advice. You should ALSO expect us to blog about it.)

Anyway. So here are their respective quandaries in a nutshell (forgive me; patriarchy is everywhere, sistren): how do we ask someone out? Their situations are very different; one, “Xena,” is single and ready to mingle but doesn’t know other available lesbians; the other, “Not Gay Clara,” has her eye on a new man-friend, but is worried about ruining a potential friendship by asking him out.

To both of these women, we say: WOMAN UP, SISTREN, AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS. (And then you can put your mouth everywhere! Eheheh.)

When Not Allured and I communicated this to our sistren, one of them began bemoaning the difficulty of relationships. Which is a perfectly acceptable thing to have feels about. (Come here and let me validate you.) However, we would like to make one thing VERY CLEAR: good relationships of any kind are not simple and easy.

But why not, Indigo Labrys? So many wonderful things are simple and easy! And this is true, my sistren!

Here is a list of things that should be simple and easy:

• A good recipe for chocolate-chip cookies
• Making jokes about your mom
• Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
• Buttering your toast
• Petting your cat(s) (but be prepared for the bite!)
• Wearing cat shirts
• Getting a labrys tattoo
• Tasting the rainbow
• Boiling water
• Recognizing how hot Chris Pureka is (MARRY US CHRIS. We have healthy ideas about what a good relationship looks like, and we suspect you may need some help in this area, because FUCK, "Burning Bridges" is a sad song, yo)
• Making fun of the GOP
• Righteous anger at anti-abortion legislation
• Walking your dog
• Brushing your teeth
• Singing along to “Closer to Fine” in the car with your sistren

And this is just the beginning. However, do you know what will never appear on this list?
RELATIONSHIPS.

It’s sad! I know that I, like many of my sistren, have dreamed of the day when I would lock eyes with another lady while playing pool at the local lesbian bar and then I would check out her boobs and notice that her shirt was covered in cat hair and then I’d raise my eyes to hers again and see them filled with (a) her soul and (b) my soul and (c) tears of joy. And without speaking a single word, we’d walk across the room to each other and join hands – and hearts! And then we’d have an anti-wedding because we think marriage is inherently oppressive and creepy (a topic for another day, sistren) and raise a family of cats together, and spend our spare time making muffins, and bad jokes, and sweet sweet love but also frolicking in fields with woodland creatures and, like, unicorns.

And we would play the Indigo Girls all the time and we would never be sad.

But even though this vision of a relationship is as shining and beautiful as Taylor Swift’s hair, it cannot actually exist in the real world (possibly also like my girl Taylor’s hair).

Because interacting with another human being – whether it is your BFFL, your mother, your lesbian lover, your fuck-buddy, your archnemesis, or your cat – is inherently complicated. You are engaging with an embodied consciousness that is entirely different from your own, and expecting that to be either simple or easy is both cray-cray and kinda boring. You are dealing with another human being and because that human being is not you, you’re going to have some issues. While we are not advocates of relationships that are constantly difficult (I could never forge a soulbond with an Ayn Rand fan, for example), Not Allured and I firmly believe that a good relationship should be challenging.

And it will be challenging from the beginning because this is how it goes, sistren. Sometimes you need to ask that hot slice from the gym out, and that’s going to involve a certain amount of risk and uncertainty and maybe it will be difficult BUT HEY, maybe you’ll also get laid.

Technology makes the heart grow fonder

Sistren, it's that time of year again when us grad students travel to far away lands (like a whole 2.5 hours from my house) to take summer jobs to supplement the piddly stipends we get during the school year. So yes, I am sadly separated from The Librarian yet again. Hardship! So I thought it was time for another post on coping with separation from your lady friend, because let's face it, sistren tend to have major separation anxiety.

Just before my journey away from our love nest, I finally entered the 2010s and got my first smart phone. I realize now there are so many more options for keeping in constant contact than ever before!

Without further ado, here are some amazing ways to show your one and only (or two and only, or however you roll) that you truly care even though you are kept apart. Probably some of you have figured these out ages ago, but bear with me, as I am just getting hip to the technology. And if these tips still aren't enough to get you through, try these.

Instagram
There are few things I like more than documenting, and now I can do it with filters! Here's some tips for my sistren:

1. Create a special hashtag just for your relationship. Because why keep your special bond private when you can share it with all your instagram followers? May I suggest: #catmommies, #scissorsistren, #ladylovah1, or #xena&gabriellegotnothingonus
2. Have your lady friend take pictures doing everyday things like eating breakfast, reading lesbian romances, or checking the gay news online and send them to you. Take pictures of yourself doing the same activities, and use instacollage to put them together! It'll be like you're sharing the moments together! (be sure to use your hashtag)
3. Use instaeffects to add symbolic meaning to your photos: stickers that say things like "sweet" over your true love's face, or rainbow sparkles over the top to celebrate pride month across the distance.
4. Post pictures of yourself looking sad and/or longingly at a photograph of her, because nothing says true love like pining.

Facetime

Like Skype or Google hangout, but on your phone! Do you really need to talk to your woman at all times? Have an internet connection? You are all set! You can try these strategies:

1. Facetime during all those moments you usually do together: changing the sheets, bickering over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or making hummus.
2. Why not just leave it on all day? If people ask you why you're looking into your phone so much, pretend that you don't speak the language and are using it as a translating device.
3. You can screencap your conversations together, and them instagram them! Fun!

So sistren, I hope these ideas help you in your time of need. If you have other ways to keep in touch while physically separated (because of course we are never mentally or emotionally separated!), please let us know.

Science!

Lesbian Love Language Quiz!

A special treat before the New Year arrives- the Lesbian Love Language Quiz! Because what better way to ring in the New Year than with some good old fashioned lesbian processing?? I know I can't think of a better way!

So sistren, do you want to find out what your lesbian love language is? Do you want to know how to communicate with your partner/soulmate on a deeper level? This quiz will help you and your lady love improve your u-hauling/ domestic partnership/ civil union/ same-sex marriage in certain states/ fun time relationship.

INSTRUCTIONS:
The quiz consists of 30 pairs of statements. Choose the statement that would make you feel the love tonight the most and record the letter (A, B, C, D, or E). At the end, you'll tally the number of choices for each letter to find your primary love language. While it may be difficult to choose between two statements, it is essential that you choose only one to ensure your results are completely accurate. Take your time, and enjoy!

1.  a) I feel good when my lady love takes me to see the kittens at Petco... A
     b) I love my woman's piercing blue eyes and dark hair, (or at least they look like this if I squint) . . . E

2.  a) I like to have a home cooked meal with my sweetheart. . . . B
     b) I feel loved when my honey goes with me to a women's basketball came . . . D

3.  a) Phone banking with my love makes me happy . . . C
     b) I enjoy lazy mornings drinking mimosas with my boo . . . B

4.  a) I feel loved when my cupcake and I are looking at a beautiful view, atop a mountain we just hiked.      (Note- in this case, it is an actual, physical mountain, not a metaphorical mountain of love) . . . D
     b) I like it when my sweetums rescues me from danger . . . E

5.  a) I feel loved when my favorite recites a poem she wrote for me . . . E
     b) I know my soul twin loves me when she joins me in a women's march . . . C

6.  a) I like going to gatherings of sistren with my bestest, particularly when there's tasty homemade vegan gluten-free cruelty-free cuisine . . . B
    b) I like to face the forces of evil with my muffin . . . E

7.  a) I value my sugar's commitment to social justice . . . C
     b) I love when my gal takes care of my animals . . . A

8.  a) I like to think about how my cookie and I are destined for each other . . . E
     b) My wifey tells me my kittens are adorable, and I like that . . . A

9.  a) Eating scones with my beloved makes me happy . . . B
     b) My precious wears buttons on her shirt to express her beliefs, and I like that . . C

10. a) I feel loved when my ducky plays hide and seek with my cat . . . A
      b) When my buttercup challenges me to a kayaking race, I know she cares . . . D

11. a) No matter the menu, I love sharing a meal with my sweet pea . . . B
      b) Flattering comments towards my pets make me feel good . . . A

12. a) Being active with my special sistren means more to me than the things she says . . . D
      b) I love to go on long walks through the countryside with my sugarcane . . . E

13. a) When my special friend nuzzles me and sits in my lap, it makes me happy . . . A
      b) It means a lot to me that my darling knows which causes matter most to me . . . C

14. a) Just sitting at the breakfast table with my honey bun makes me feel good . . . B
      b) I love it when my jewel lets me sit in front of her on her valiant steed, or shotgun in her sports car . . . E

15. a) My lamb's reactions to my kitty's antics are so encouraging . . . A
      b) It means so much to me when my (future) baby momma cheers for my favorite sports team, even if it rivals hers . . . D

16. a) I never get tired of lying in my true love's arms . . . E
      b) I love that my true love shows an interest in my dietary needs . . . B

17. a) I can always count on my baby doll to drive me to softball practice and cheer for me from the stands . . . D
      b) Nothing makes me more excited than to lobby congress with my pumpkin . . . C

18. a) I love for ma petite chou to tell me how cute my animals are . . . A
      b) I love that my dearest respects my preference for organic tofu . . . B

19. a) I can't help but tell my gem how much she means to me every time I see her . . .E
      b) My lover runs drills with me, and I appreciate that . . . D

20. a) My shortstop is my MVP for life . . . D
      b) I'm amazed at how concerned my beauty is for social good . . . C

21. a) I love that my princess only has eyes for me, even in a crowd of dining sistren . . . B
      b) I love that the light of my life helps me set up for the big game . . . D

22. a) I look forward to working the voting booths with my precious love . . . C
      b) I never get tired of looking lovingly at my kitties with the object of my affection . . . A

23. a) My dumpling lets me know she loves me by donating to my favorite charity for my birthday . . . C
      b) My baby shows her love for me by getting tickets to the playoffs . . . D

24. a) My cherub sometimes surprises me with breakfast in bed, and it makes me happy . . . B
      b) My everything always considers her carbon footprint and environmental impact . . . C

25. a) My cuddle bug shows she cares by drawing us a bath after our soccer tourney . . . D
      b) I never tire of fighting for causes we believe in with my prize . . . C

26. a) I love listening to my dream girl's witty banter/ wittily bantering to my dream girl . . . E
      b) I love when my hottie asks me to go volunteer with her . . . C

27. a) My main girl's purring makes me smile . . . A
      b) I love enjoying a drink with my sugar plum . . . B

28. a) I couldn't ask for better protest signs than the ones my sweet potato makes . . . C
      b) I being cosmically connected to my soul bond . . . E

29. a) It means a lot to me when my hero helps me with my paddling technique (on the water!) . . . D
      b) It makes me feel great when my snookums brings home kibble for my little ones . . . A

30. a) I love re-declaring my undying love for my corazon when we've been separated for a long time, like a few hours . . . E
      b) I love seeing my love goddess talking to my kittens about their day . . . A

TALLY:
A_______ B_______ C_______ D_______ E_______

KEY: (for detailed descriptions of the love languages, see this previous post)
A = cats
B = brunch
C = activism
D = sports
E = Xena and Gabrielle fantasies

INTERPRETING AND USING YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your main love language is the one with the highest number. If the totals for two languages are equal, you are bilingual. If the second highest number doesn't fall far from the first, it is your secondary language. The highest score possible is 12.

Now, make sure your lady friend takes the quiz too so you can process your results together! What do you  need to feel loved? What does your lady friend need? Now you know! Just think of the fun you'll have discussing how to better meet each others' needs!

If you take the quiz, share your results in the comments!

Typical-ish Occurences

Click on the pictures for easier viewing!

Party Planning: Celebrating your U-Hauled status

Sistren, there comes a time in many a queer lady's life when you will move in with your lady friend. This may come after 1 month, 6 months, or even 1 long, long year after meeting your soulmate. The Librarian and I will officially be in a one-household relationship at the end of the month. So naturally, we want to celebrate this exciting time with our friends. I would like to celebrate it by getting rid of all non-date sweaters, and this new hideous addition to the abode (pictured below), but sadly I don't think either of these things are going to happen, so we're having a party instead.

Zebra print with neon pink faux-alligator trim. So wrong.

.

While discussing our party plans with Indigo Labrys last night (after viewing the amazingly educational film, Step Up: Revolution), The Librarian had the brilliantly cheesy idea to choose our party menu based on food we've had at past events we've hosted together. This idea made my eyes light up in that special way that only happens with the potential for embarrassingly cheesy things. The Librarian is rarely cheesy, so her innocent idea was even more awesome! I think she regretted the suggestion, however, when I quickly added that we could make little signs for all the food! Such as "Thai Cashews: First served at our very first co-hosted dinner party back in 2010!" What could be better than documentation via tasty treats? Since I also document everything with my trusty camera, I could accompany all signage with photos of said event! It would be so amazing!

Indigo Labrys also had the idea to serve everything in pairs. So charming! Just want one cucumber sandwich? No way! This party is about unity, and that means 2 of everything for everyone, appetites be damned! Or, just make everything out of pears, for a clever play on words. Fun times!

As I had not previously considered any cheesy decor options, I feel I need to really pull it together before next weekend. These are the options I have thought of so far:

• Playing that "Two of Hearts" song from the 80s on repeat, and other sweet ditties
• Use my window crayons (an amazing score from our Christmas party white elephant exchange) to draw connecting hearts with our names in them!
• A cake with a U-Haul on it! (this was The Librarians idea- it will be amazing if we actually do it)
• Librarian and school teacher action figures as a centerpiece! Or maybe just books- we have a lot of those. We could use our many lesbian romance novels, to keep with the theme!!!
• Have a craft station where guests can make their own love letters. cards, or festive headbands and pins for their special someone, or future special someone! (Though nothing will top the cheese explosion of the video birthday card I made for The Librarian, thanks to the technical hand-holding support from our pal, the Computer Whiz)

I'm sure there are many more amazing decorating options out there. What do you think, Sistren?

Just Say No to Name Tattoos

Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.

Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.

This was our conversation in a nutshell:

Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.

Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!



Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?

Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.

Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.

This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?

So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.

And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.

And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.

How do I live without you? I want to know

Sistren, I am currently working a job where I am away from The Librarian. It is almost finished, but when I return we will have been living apart for an entire MONTH! Which in lesbian time, is equivalent to 1.2 years.

As you can imagine, this is a great hardship. The lonely nights in my sad single bed (sad mostly because it is a sub-par dorm mattress), missing evenings cooking together while I eat my sad food (the scale goes from "edible" to "only makes you feel slightly nauseous" to "don't touch it if you value your life"), and mornings where I don't have to share the bathroom (actually, not worrying about using all the hot water is awesome!).

So how do I cope with this time of trial? What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Well, sistren, you can look at our previous post on surviving separate holiday travel, as many of the same tips apply. If in your state of extreme anguish you can't manage that task, I have some more words of wisdom for you.

1) Skype and video calling are your friends! Thanks to technology, you can stare soulfully into each others eyes from across the distance. No matter how many miles lay between you and your life mate, the soul connection you share is always as close as your heartbeat.

2) As mentioned previously, send her constant text messages! Since you won't see her in the evening to tell her every minute detail of your day, make sure she gets this information in some form. Did your coworker tell a funny joke that you kinda had to be there to get but because you share everything with your soul twin you know she'll find it hilarious too? Did you think of her when you brushed your teeth and realized her toothbrush wasn't there? Did you have a sandwich that was a poor substitute for the one she would have lovingly placed in your personalized lunch bag? Tell her these things at once, and it'll be like she's sharing the experience!

3) Talk about your love muffin constantly with your new friends and coworkers! Because nothing brings a group together like pining over loved ones. It's easy to bring up your lady friend in conversation- just bring her up anytime something reminds you of her, which is probably ALL the time. "Oh, you forgot your key this morning? Once my lady friend did too, and I had to meet her at work to give them to her! Aren't girlfriends the best?" If they look at you strangely for always bringing her up, just know that they're contemplating the deep feelings you have towards your sig-l.

4) Have a picture of your lady friend beside your bed/ printed onto a pillowcase/ embroidered on a T-shirt/ etc., so you can be close to her during the nights of flying solo. What better way to express your love than with a physical manifestation? I can't think of one, can you?

5) Obviously your lady friend is calling/texting/emailing you daily or even hourly, but is that really enough? Get your mutual friends to send you updates too! If you know she's going to dinner with someone, ask them what you talked about/ what she was wearing/ if she looked like she had been crying from missing you so much/ etc. This is what friends are for, to help you through these trying times.

I hope these tips will serve you well, sistren. If all else fails, just read lesbian romance novels. If you're feeling especially disheartened, just cross out the protagonists' names and write in those of you and your honey. Indigo Labrys and I can recommend some if you're in need.

And remember, though nothing will ever get between you and your soul bond, better safe than sorry.

Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?

Sistren, Indigo Labrys and I have recently returned from (separate) family vacations with our lady friends. It thus seemed time to talk about surviving this u-haul rite of passage with all two of you readers, and so I hope you enjoy this vignette.

For part of our recent vacay, the Librarian and I went on a four-day rafting trip with my dad. Just the three of us, on a raft, on a no trace river. In case you don't recognize that term, that means you have to take everything out with you. Everything. Just think about it for a second.

This led to many bonding experiences over conversations about the "groover" (camp toilet): how to use it, where to use it, why you shouldn't tip it over, how to carry it on the boat, how to squat over it without falling over, how to manage the toilet paper (hint, don't drop the only roll in the river on the 2nd day, which I may or may not have done), what to do if you have your period while using it (which became relevant on day 2- bad timing), etc. This also led to comments from my dad to the Librarian like "your ass is really white!" when he turned around too soon.

Before leaving on the trip, the Librarian and I went out with one of my old pals (also a fabulous gay lady) whom I've known since high school. She also knows my dad pretty well. When we told her about these plans, she asked, "Has she ever spent much time with your dad?" in a voice which insinuated that the librarian needed to be mentally prepared.

She had not, and I had been prepping her by warning her about all the lectures we would be getting about the proper way to tie knots and get into the boat (we kinda sucked at both of those things), and the constant teasing she would be subjected to. It only took two days for my dad to give her the first of a few new nicknames, which I will not repeat to keep our domestic harmony intact. But they were pretty funny, I can assure you.

Despite all these moments of ridiculousness, and the fact that the Librarian ended the trip with a wicked sunburn, we had a good time. I was a bit worried she would leave this trip thinking "omg, what have I gotten myself into?!" as my Dad can be a bit much sometimes, and we are also very, very similar. But I'm not as crotchety. Hopefully.... Anyway, the librarian and my dad got along great, we all had fun, and my lady friend has seen my family for the crazy that we are, and did not break up with me upon returning to civilization.

We hope to go on another rafting trip with him, if he'll consent to it. Typical of a dad, he still thinks I'm the same size I was in high school (which wasn't petite then either, let me tell you), and so grossly underestimated how much extra weight two adult women would add to his boat. Oh well, he got some good exercise.

From this experience, we want to offer our sistren these helpful tips:

• Just nod and agree with anything the parents out-of-law say. "Yes, I do find knot tying fascinating! Please tell me more!" 
• Accept instructions on how to do something you've been able to do successfully since the age of 12 gracefully. "Why thank you for telling me that a lid over the pan will make the food cook faster! Genius!"
• Accept their food preferences, no matter how off-putting or strange. "30 cloves of garlic in one dish? An entire Costco-sized bag of brussels sprouts? Sounds delicious!" (this is not an exaggeration)
• Ask for their advice on something- they love this! "How likely do you think it is that someone will come down the river this late?"
• Don't hold a grudge when their advice turns out wrong "Highly unlikely! Nobody will float by while you pee!" (shortly thereafter, two dudes may or may not have floated past and stared at the aforementioned white ass)
• No matter what you do, don't drop the toilet paper in the water!

We hope that all your family vacations will be full of wholesome bonding moments such as ours.

Proposing to your special lady friend

Sistren, our state made us angry today. In an attempt to lessen our feelings of deep depression, Indigo Labrys suggested a blog post on proposing! Whether it be marriage, civil union-ship, domestic partnership, or just "special roommates" if that's all your state/geographic location allows, we are here to help. Here are some suggestions, let us know if you have more!

Totally lesbo places to propose:

• Obviously, the boudoir. 
• Your softball game- obviously you're on the same team
• Your knitting/sewing/craft circle
• Your local co-op, preferably in the organic food section, or by the kombucha
• A women's book store
• A ({}) bar
• At the dog park
• Karaoke bar
• Homo Depot
• The animal shelter, whilst picking out your third cat

Suggestions for popping the question:

• When she wakes up and is barely conscious, ask her to be yours forever before she has her wits about her, she's bound to say yes! When she seems confused about it later, keep up your enthusiastic gushing about your big day.
• Have the score keepers put it on the score board, and drop down on one knee at home plate. Go the extra mile and have the ring hidden inside a catcher's mitt, cut out softball, you get the idea, keep that creativity up my friend.
• Knitting the question in a nice afghan, or just the letters themselves. Kinda like in Charlotte's Web, but more awesome and less misogynistic.  
• What better way to say "I want to be your permanent soul bond" than during a domestic activity? Nothing says I love you forever like a routine trip to the store. Seal the deal by getting a family membership to the co-op!
• Choose some lesbian romance novels, or lesbo wedding ones, that can serve as a metaphor for your relationship (I do not suggest In Too Deep- shudder.). Browse these with your lady friend and then say you want this fiction to be a reality!
• Who doesn't love a proposal in front of a bunch of drunken, rowdy strangers? Popping the question at your local ({}) bar is a surefire way to get a lot of pats on the back and  free drinks from the other patrons. Get down on bended knee on the dance floor, and she's sure to swoon. Just make sure the song isn't so loud she can't hear you, or she may just think you're doing a weird dance move.
• Attaching the ring to your dog's collar- what better way to propose than to include your fur child in the event? And if she says no, you can claim he stole the ring from someone else! It's a win-win.
• Sing her a special love song at karaoke (Indigo Labrys can give you some ideas- but be cautious in taking her recommendations, dear sistren), and then get down on one knee. The other lady's at the bar are sure to cheer you along!
• Go buy some permanent glue or those screws that you'll never get out of the wall again, and tell your lady friend that you want this to last forever. Then go pick out some lovey-dovey paint colors and new curtains so that your love can be visualized.
• Go find one of those kitties whose meow sounds like "I love you" and you're golden! What a great way to tell your lady friend that you want to make an honest kitty-mommy out of her?

 No matter the situation where you live, we hope this helps you. Perhaps in a later post we'll suggest romantic words to utter at this crucial moment.

Recent Occurrences

Per the suggestion of Indigo Labrys- she's probably the only one out of our 2 readers who will find this amusing. (click on the pictures for easier viewing)

Book Dedications

Sistren, one day Indigo Labrys and I will write many wonderful lesbian novels. As we've read so many between us, we are highly qualified. In anticipation of this, we've decided to start practicing our book dedications. While we'll never reach the genius that is Radcylffe, we can try to live up to her example.

To our lady friends:

• the only stone I want to click with
• the cherry to my sundae
• the Jane to my Austen
• the only sugar I need in my tea
• for showing me true love does last forever, in this life and the next
• my soultwin and lifemate
• when you die, I want to snort your ashes like cocaine, so we never have to be alone again
• with eternal gratitude for the gift of your catdance
• thx for all the handballing
• the only one who turns my screw
• my wife, my mother, my baby girl, my sister - my everything
• So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish Tacos
• the only one who can Moby my Dick
• my personal Fingersmith
• I want to ride you into the sunset

To our animal friends:

• Mommy's perfect angel
• my spirit companion
• my favorite fuzzy friend
• my animal soul-bond
• my furchild

More Typical Occurrences

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