You're not going to wear that, are you?

Ladies, I am no fashionista, but sometimes the wardrobe choices of my lesbo sistren distress me. When I first realized I was batting for the other team, I was living in Japan, where fashion is on a whole other plane of spiritual existence. This was the time where I went from wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time to wearing sequins and legwarmers (I'm mostly back to T-shirts and jeans again, in case you were wondering. But I do love my big dangly earrings.) When I got back to my 'Merikan homeland, I was bored with the way people dressed. Fleece jackets, jeans, and ponytails 24/7? Snore. (Some of you may guess what part of our fair nation I returned to based on this categorization alone! And you're probably right. Assuming someone other than our lady friends reads this....)

Anyway, I went to my first 'Merikan lady bar, all excited to be with  my kind and being able to converse with all in my native language, only to be horrified by what some chose to wear. Track pants? Sweats? We were out. At a club. Did this not mean a little effort was necessary? Imagine my distress when I got sneered at by a few girls, and "straight girl" was whispered, as if 1) that were an insult and 2) my girly-ish clothing and the fact that it had taken me 20 instead of 5 minutes to get ready banned me from the club. I was miffed, to say the least. (Don't worry sistren- later, I found another queer club in the same fair city that was lovely, and had people who dressed like they were going dancing, not to a softball game, and weren't so surly, and I was as happy as could be.)

All of a sudden I was being labeled as a "femme," when no one had every called me feminine in my life. I was the girl who did all the stereotypical girly after-school activities- piano lessons! ballet class! girl scouts! (does that one count?)- but was always seen as kind of a tom boy. This was probably because I got mad at anti-feminist behavior, and didn't giggle when a boy tried to flirt with me. But I'm getting off topic. Anyway, apparently in lesbian world, femme meant that you put in a small amount of effort to your appearance. I mean, I don't wear makeup, but I do use hair product, is that why I was femme? I like to wear dresses sometimes? I don't wear hoodies and a baseball cap to a bar? Unless it's my hat that says T.W.A.T. TEAM, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do. That one is a classic lesbian bar hat! Don't you agree?

So while I don't really get the whole butch/femme thing that some people still ascribe to, I do have strong feelings about what you should and should not wear when you go out with the specific purpose of meeting/impressing a lady friend. I seem to get this penchant for judging others' wardrobe choices from my father. For a man who will wear a T-shirt until it has holes all over it, and wears socks with sandals, he always has a lot to say about other peoples' fashion decisions. Therefore, this trait is genetic, and totally excusable.

Getting back to my tale, a few months ago my lady friend and I were having lunch with "Amy Ray," and reminiscing about our first date. I say that the first time we met in person was our first date, though my lady friend, we'll call her "The Librarian" (guess who named this blog?), claims that it was not a date as we were just  meeting for coffee, and maybe dinner if we decided we liked each other and weren't insane. We did, and we weren't, and one date later decided we "liked liked" each other, and the rest is history. Obviously, I argued that that first meeting was a date, as we had been sending semi-flirtatious messages back and forth, and were meeting for the intention of seeing if we wanted to date. The Librarian claimed that if we hadn't liked each other, it wouldn't be a date. I countered that yes it would have, it would have just been a bad date, as Indigo Labrys has chronicled so humorously.

The whole point of sharing our bickering conversation is that I also pointed out that she wore a non-date sweater, which should have been a no-no since it was our first date, and you should dress to impress. Now ladies, it was December and very cold, and I do love a good sweater. I had on one myself! But the one she wore was frumpy, very boxy and did nothing for her shape, and made my first visual impression one of "meh" instead of "who is that sexy lady I get to have coffee with now?" It looked like one of those Scandinavian style ones that are meant to be worn on the slopes.

I tried to find the exact sweater in question, but apparently it is packed away somewhere. As it should be.

Ladies. this "meh" is not the reaction you should be going for! Obviously I found her personality charming, but what if you are a shy lady whose personality can not shine through a frumpy outfit? What if you are on a date with someone who needs that physical attraction with the mental attraction right from the start? (Not that I used to be like that or anything, not me!)

I'm not saying you have to look like you stepped off the runway- that would be off putting to most too. Just put in some effort. A clean shirt, at least. (The Librarian just read this, and wanted me to assert that her sweater was not dirty on the date in question- she does believe in cleanliness, thank the Goddess). One that doesn't make you look like a disgruntled housewife. You don't have to look like you're trying too hard, but what could be more flattering on a first date (because no matter what The Librarian claims, that is what we were on!!) than a clear signal to your potential life-mate that you care enough about your first meeting to at least take a second glance in the mirror on your way out.

And, as Indigo Labrys mentioned, I also don't recommend wearing outfits that are all tie-dyed and would get you nominated for that show What Not to Wear. Seriously, she totally told me that she had an outfit like this in her younger days, and I totally  just saw someone with that on the show. Not that I'm not guilty of this- when I lived in Japan, I also couldn't really  buy pants there, so I had a pair of jeans that I wore WAY too long, to the point of having frayed patches in the crotch region. I wore this pair of jeans in public all the time! Yikes! But you know when I wouldn't have worn them? On a first date! Or any date!

So ladies, don't wear a non-date sweater to meet your lady friend. Step it up a notch.