Happy end of summer, lesbian sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; I have been busy thinking about writing my dissertation (and also occasionally writing my dissertation). However, because I wish to maintain my friendship with Not Allured, and because I received an infusion of gayness this past week in the form of the North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I feel the spirit of all queer ladies everywhere moving within me. Giggity.
Perhaps you remember seeing this post on lesbian sex positions when it appeared on Cosmo's website about a month ago? If you remember it - and if you don't remember it, please go check it out if/when you need a good laugh - you will recall that it was fucking ridiculous and that these positions were particularly notable for their overuse of high heels (and nothing else!!1!) as well as using different names to refer to ... mmm, basically the same thing. (Position: Rub your clit somewhere. Titles: The Sexy Spider The Passionate Pole-dancer ... I'm not making these up, people!)
Anyway. Not Allured obviously IMMEDIATELY posted this to my wall. We were both disturbed by how femme all of the illustrations were (not all lesbians wear high heels all the time, yo) as well as by how unwieldy and unsatisfying some of the positions seemed. Not to be a buzzkill (and if this is your thing, get down with your bad self), but I don't see how Defying Gravity could be fun when all the blood is rushing to your head (and not to your nether regions). But I am very clumsy, so who knows?
Also also, we laughed hysterically at the claim that scissoring is the classic lesbian position. When everyone knows that processing is the classic lesbian position. Not.
So Not Allured and I came up with our own suggestions.
Here are TEN MIND-BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS (tested by ACTUAL LESBIANS or in my case by a queer lady)
1. "Locking the Cats Outside the Bedroom"
2. "Well-of-No-More-Loneliness"
3. "The Hillary Clit-ton"
In this topical position, interrupt your partner's love-making to discuss Hillary Clinton's presidential run in 2016. Talk about what it really means to have a woman on top, and then put it into practice. Your partner will thank you 2016 times over.
4. "Desert Hearts"
For this position, keep your AC off to heat things up in the bedroom. She'll never desert your heart.
5. "The Fast-Pitch"
Quickie sex before an Indigo Girls concert. (You may or may not want to initiate by asking her to "multiply life by the power of two." Remember to check in with your partner and help her get closer to fine.)
6. "Hungry Thighs"
Dance like Baby and Penny in "Dirty Dancing."
Remember that God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.
7. "Sock It To Me"
Also, if you keep your socks on, you will SAVE THE DAY by not scratching your partner with your toenails or something.
8. "Curious Wine"
When you and your partner stare deep into each other's eyes without actually touching, as in "Curious Wine." (Then start touching, but make sure you are keeping your soulbond intact.)
9. "The Chakram"
You'll want to bring in some Xena-style acrobatics for this one. Because the Cosmo tips were so focused on grinding, for this position, you'll want to do backflips. And then start grinding. Because according to Cosmo, this is all lesbians do. (I swear to Amy Ray, at least half of them involved rubbing your clit on something.)
10. "Let It Burn"
Make like Usher and LET IT BURN. This is to say, burn your copy of Cosmo, and then do whatever the fuck you want with your partner!
