A special treat before the New Year arrives- the Lesbian Love Language Quiz! Because what better way to ring in the New Year than with some good old fashioned lesbian processing?? I know I can't think of a better way!
So sistren, do you want to find out what your lesbian love language is? Do you want to know how to communicate with your partner/soulmate on a deeper level? This quiz will help you and your lady love improve your u-hauling/ domestic partnership/ civil union/ same-sex marriage in certain states/ fun time relationship.
INSTRUCTIONS:
The quiz consists of 30 pairs of statements. Choose the statement that would make you feel the love tonight the most and record the letter (A, B, C, D, or E). At the end, you'll tally the number of choices for each letter to find your primary love language. While it may be difficult to choose between two statements, it is essential that you choose only one to ensure your results are completely accurate. Take your time, and enjoy!
1. a) I feel good when my lady love takes me to see the kittens at Petco... A
b) I love my woman's piercing blue eyes and dark hair, (or at least they look like this if I squint) . . . E
2. a) I like to have a home cooked meal with my sweetheart. . . . B
b) I feel loved when my honey goes with me to a women's basketball came . . . D
3. a) Phone banking with my love makes me happy . . . C
b) I enjoy lazy mornings drinking mimosas with my boo . . . B
4. a) I feel loved when my cupcake and I are looking at a beautiful view, atop a mountain we just hiked. (Note- in this case, it is an actual, physical mountain, not a metaphorical mountain of love) . . . D
b) I like it when my sweetums rescues me from danger . . . E
5. a) I feel loved when my favorite recites a poem she wrote for me . . . E
b) I know my soul twin loves me when she joins me in a women's march . . . C
6. a) I like going to gatherings of sistren with my bestest, particularly when there's tasty homemade vegan gluten-free cruelty-free cuisine . . . B
b) I like to face the forces of evil with my muffin . . . E
7. a) I value my sugar's commitment to social justice . . . C
b) I love when my gal takes care of my animals . . . A
8. a) I like to think about how my cookie and I are destined for each other . . . E
b) My wifey tells me my kittens are adorable, and I like that . . . A
9. a) Eating scones with my beloved makes me happy . . . B
b) My precious wears buttons on her shirt to express her beliefs, and I like that . . C
10. a) I feel loved when my ducky plays hide and seek with my cat . . . A
b) When my buttercup challenges me to a kayaking race, I know she cares . . . D
11. a) No matter the menu, I love sharing a meal with my sweet pea . . . B
b) Flattering comments towards my pets make me feel good . . . A
12. a) Being active with my special sistren means more to me than the things she says . . . D
b) I love to go on long walks through the countryside with my sugarcane . . . E
13. a) When my special friend nuzzles me and sits in my lap, it makes me happy . . . A
b) It means a lot to me that my darling knows which causes matter most to me . . . C
14. a) Just sitting at the breakfast table with my honey bun makes me feel good . . . B
b) I love it when my jewel lets me sit in front of her on her valiant steed, or shotgun in her sports car . . . E
15. a) My lamb's reactions to my kitty's antics are so encouraging . . . A
b) It means so much to me when my (future) baby momma cheers for my favorite sports team, even if it rivals hers . . . D
16. a) I never get tired of lying in my true love's arms . . . E
b) I love that my true love shows an interest in my dietary needs . . . B
17. a) I can always count on my baby doll to drive me to softball practice and cheer for me from the stands . . . D
b) Nothing makes me more excited than to lobby congress with my pumpkin . . . C
18. a) I love for ma petite chou to tell me how cute my animals are . . . A
b) I love that my dearest respects my preference for organic tofu . . . B
19. a) I can't help but tell my gem how much she means to me every time I see her . . .E
b) My lover runs drills with me, and I appreciate that . . . D
20. a) My shortstop is my MVP for life . . . D
b) I'm amazed at how concerned my beauty is for social good . . . C
21. a) I love that my princess only has eyes for me, even in a crowd of dining sistren . . . B
b) I love that the light of my life helps me set up for the big game . . . D
22. a) I look forward to working the voting booths with my precious love . . . C
b) I never get tired of looking lovingly at my kitties with the object of my affection . . . A
23. a) My dumpling lets me know she loves me by donating to my favorite charity for my birthday . . . C
b) My baby shows her love for me by getting tickets to the playoffs . . . D
24. a) My cherub sometimes surprises me with breakfast in bed, and it makes me happy . . . B
b) My everything always considers her carbon footprint and environmental impact . . . C
25. a) My cuddle bug shows she cares by drawing us a bath after our soccer tourney . . . D
b) I never tire of fighting for causes we believe in with my prize . . . C
26. a) I love listening to my dream girl's witty banter/ wittily bantering to my dream girl . . . E
b) I love when my hottie asks me to go volunteer with her . . . C
27. a) My main girl's purring makes me smile . . . A
b) I love enjoying a drink with my sugar plum . . . B
28. a) I couldn't ask for better protest signs than the ones my sweet potato makes . . . C
b) I being cosmically connected to my soul bond . . . E
29. a) It means a lot to me when my hero helps me with my paddling technique (on the water!) . . . D
b) It makes me feel great when my snookums brings home kibble for my little ones . . . A
30. a) I love re-declaring my undying love for my corazon when we've been separated for a long time, like a few hours . . . E
b) I love seeing my love goddess talking to my kittens about their day . . . A
TALLY:
A_______ B_______ C_______ D_______ E_______
KEY: (for detailed descriptions of the love languages, see this previous post)
A = cats
B = brunch
C = activism
D = sports
E = Xena and Gabrielle fantasies
INTERPRETING AND USING YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your main love language is the one with the highest number. If the totals for two languages are equal, you are bilingual. If the second highest number doesn't fall far from the first, it is your secondary language. The highest score possible is 12.
Now, make sure your lady friend takes the quiz too so you can process your results together! What do you need to feel loved? What does your lady friend need? Now you know! Just think of the fun you'll have discussing how to better meet each others' needs!
If you take the quiz, share your results in the comments!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Happy Holiday-ing!
Greetings Sistren! Soon, I will be embarking on a journey to holiday with my lady friend and my out-of-laws. I'm sure I will come back with many exciting tips for you all about joining someone else's holiday traditions, but before I jet off for warmer climates I wanted to remind you of our previous tips, whether you'll be celebrating the holiday with or without your lady friend. My own game plan is to bring my amazing Christmas sweater and homemade holiday headbands so I can bring my charming personal traditions to the out-of-laws home. I'm sure they'll love it!
If you'll be vacationing with your out-of-laws, or bringing your lady friend to your family's celebration, check out this previous post:
Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?
If you find yourself without your lady friend and feel unable to bear the sadness, check out these posts:
How do I live without you? I want to know.
Separated for the holidays? A coping guide.
If you have the luck of going out on a date with a hot new lady this holiday season, be sure to check out first date tips first:
Keeping you a secret: What not to spill on your first date.
And make sure you don't send her mixed signals. The last thing a lady wants to spend her holiday doing is over-analyzing your crazy communication:
Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
As always, we wish you dear handful of readers a jolly ({}) holiday. In the new year we'll have our Lesbian Love Languages quiz! Stay tuned.
If you'll be vacationing with your out-of-laws, or bringing your lady friend to your family's celebration, check out this previous post:
Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?
If you find yourself without your lady friend and feel unable to bear the sadness, check out these posts:
How do I live without you? I want to know.
Separated for the holidays? A coping guide.
If you have the luck of going out on a date with a hot new lady this holiday season, be sure to check out first date tips first:
Keeping you a secret: What not to spill on your first date.
And make sure you don't send her mixed signals. The last thing a lady wants to spend her holiday doing is over-analyzing your crazy communication:
Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
As always, we wish you dear handful of readers a jolly ({}) holiday. In the new year we'll have our Lesbian Love Languages quiz! Stay tuned.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Lesbian Love Languages
Some ladies show their love, or want others to show love to them, via cat. If this is your love language, you probably want your partner to talk about how lovable and cute your furry friends are, to admire their playfulness and wit, talk at length about their emotional states, etc. You may meow while flirting, act cold and aloof when hurt, and feel threatened when others encroach on your territory. You want your lady to cuddle with you and curl up in your lap to show affection. You want nothing more than for her to make you purr.
**Note: Dogs are an acceptable substitute**
Some ladies show their affection through food, preferably in potluck form with friends. If this is your language, you want your partner to make you something special, like those vegan gluten free muffins you like, and make sure to save one before the other ladies devour them all. Your ideal partner would love basking in the glory of your sistren at a group brunch, but would only have eyes for you. She'd sit next to you, and you'd even drink from the same cup, because you obviously share everything. When you're not potlucking, you love for your woman to bring you breakfast in bed. You may even like cooking for her too- heating it up in the kitchen is your idea of a great time.
There's nothing Sistren love more than social justice! If activism is the way to your heart, you long for your love interest to show her interest by joining you at the phone bank, on the picket lines, or at the march. To win your heart, a girl has to notice the buttons on your backpack and start handing out leaflets accordingly. No dinner and a movie dates for you: you'd rather go door to door with your lady, canvassing for your favorite local candidate; serve food at the local soup kitchen; take a romantic stroll at the dyke march, hand in hand; or email your sistren friends to join your cause. When a lady starts campaigning for your heart, she has her work cut out for her, but all that hard work will pay off if she stays true to the cause.
We all know lesbos love sports. Be it women's basketball, soccer, softball, hiking, kayaking, what have you, we love a good game or outdoor activity. And not always for the exercise- I didn't watch the Olympic soccer games because I understood the rules, if you know what I mean. (Call me ladies!) But anyway, I digress.
If you're fluent in sports, you want your lady to join a softball team/ hiking group / kayaking class with you. Or at the very least, get you courtside tickets to see your favorite team. No fouls here- the right lady for you will combat roll with you just to show she cares. You'll only show her your inside game after she shows she proves she's got the skills to play on your team.
You know who you are- pretending you're Gabrielle and your lady love is Xena, or vice versa. This love language manifests in many ways: wanting your honey to watch super cheesy lesbian films with you, reading romance novels aloud (which are mostly Xena ubers anyway, lets face it), going to Xena conventions, etc. To win your heart, your lady has to first figure out which character you imagine yourself to be and act accordingly. She would woo you by standing loyally by your side and regaling you with her witty banter, or alternatively by defending you against evil foes and being your constant protector. She'll write you a poem or sing you a ballad, but whichever your preference, she'll declare you her soulmate for life as you ride off into the sunset together (on the same horse, naturally).
But how do you know which love language you speak? Stay tuned for our quiz and you can find out.
Think we left out any lesbian love languages? Let us know!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
An Open Letter to Taylor Swift
Dear Taylor,
I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.
I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).
(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)
Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.
(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.
You know how when you bought that house near Conor Kennedy (and decided to hang on to it even after you broke up) everyone freaked out on you and said you were stalking him and stuff? For lesbians, this is called U-Hauling, and it is not only totally acceptable but commonplace. No one would have been surprised at all if you were dating a lady instead of Conor and did this. You could have followed her, followed her home and people would have been supportive and brought you cookies and candles and cats and other nice housewarming presents.
While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.
(3) Last Kiss
Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.
(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina
No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.
(5) It’s All About the Process
Guess who loves to process? Lesbians. Guess who else loves to process? You. And it’s not like you don’t know it! Sistren Brambles (hereafter known as “Brambles”) did some “research” on you / was just reading about your life because she cares, and she found this gem: Of your typical relationship, you say, “It usually lasts four and a half months, and then it all just disintegrates. Then I spend, like, a year and a half mourning the loss of it.” AND NEVER LETTING GO. You and every lesbian ever, Taylor. If you dated a woman, not only would you get to touch boobs and such, you could work out your feelings BEFORE committing them to song. Imagine the possibilities.
(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT
The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”
Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.
I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.
I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).
(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)
Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.
(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.
While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.
(3) Last Kiss
Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.
(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina
No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.
(5) It’s All About the Process
(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT
The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”
Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Lessons from a gay paradise/hell
Hello sistren! Have you been worried about us in our absence? Indigo Labrys and I have been busy doing things like dissertating (in her case) and grad school coursework (in my case) and have sadly neglected our readership of two! We missed you! PhD school sadly gets in the way of our preferred leisure activities, AKA reading lesbian novels, brunching with lesbians, processing, etc. But we have vowed to come back! Well, I have- and I will drag Indigo Labrys out of her dissertating cave of solitude to regal you all with her with and charm. And if dragging doesn't work, I'll bribe her with what she loves best- kittens.
Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a delightful experience Indigo Labrys and I shared- volunteering for the gay and lesbian film festival in our state! It was magical! Where else could we watch really bad lesbian films, people watch our favorite people (the gays! yay!), and play our new favorite game, gay bingo. We devised this during our shift at the information desk, as we needed something to do when we weren't giving directions to the bathroom or checking out all the hot ladies walking by. Indigo Labrys beat me every time by the way- she's a sneaky one. Feel free to use our bingo categories for your next gay outing!
But it was OK because my entrance was more popular. That's right, more people wanted to walk through my door to enter the movie. I think they were drawn to my natural charm. But I digress.
Sistren, we learned so many things. Gays bring the drama all the time. Volunteering at gay events is a good way to meet ladies. That's right, we totally witnessed a hook-up in process, it was magical. We wish them well. We got to see all the older lesbian couples too- they were so awesome! I hope The Librarian and I are like them! Although then I'd have to convince her to go see a bad lesbian movie with me, which is a hard bargain, let me tell you. Maybe I'll just trick her by saying I feel a sudden urge to go to Homo Depot...
Some of the best things we learned were not from our fellow patrons, but the high quality movies we saw! Yes, our sistren who have made cinema their calling have so much to share! The worst by far was "A Perfect Ending." So, so bad. Like beyond my wildest imaginations of bad. Talking slowly was supposed to indicate sexiness, bad bad camera tricks were meant to substitute for depth, and at the ending Indigo Labrys and our other sistren friend laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. Picture this: an artist painted a butterfly, with the head of her dead lover coming out of it, in 1990's Lisa Frank style. Yep, not even joking. It was heinous.
In case you missed the gay film festivals this year, here is a summary of some gems of wisdom we gleaned from our fieldwork:
For Movie Makers (we've watched a lot of bad lesbian films, so therefore are qualified to give advice)
Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a delightful experience Indigo Labrys and I shared- volunteering for the gay and lesbian film festival in our state! It was magical! Where else could we watch really bad lesbian films, people watch our favorite people (the gays! yay!), and play our new favorite game, gay bingo. We devised this during our shift at the information desk, as we needed something to do when we weren't giving directions to the bathroom or checking out all the hot ladies walking by. Indigo Labrys beat me every time by the way- she's a sneaky one. Feel free to use our bingo categories for your next gay outing!
But it was OK because my entrance was more popular. That's right, more people wanted to walk through my door to enter the movie. I think they were drawn to my natural charm. But I digress.
Sistren, we learned so many things. Gays bring the drama all the time. Volunteering at gay events is a good way to meet ladies. That's right, we totally witnessed a hook-up in process, it was magical. We wish them well. We got to see all the older lesbian couples too- they were so awesome! I hope The Librarian and I are like them! Although then I'd have to convince her to go see a bad lesbian movie with me, which is a hard bargain, let me tell you. Maybe I'll just trick her by saying I feel a sudden urge to go to Homo Depot...
Some of the best things we learned were not from our fellow patrons, but the high quality movies we saw! Yes, our sistren who have made cinema their calling have so much to share! The worst by far was "A Perfect Ending." So, so bad. Like beyond my wildest imaginations of bad. Talking slowly was supposed to indicate sexiness, bad bad camera tricks were meant to substitute for depth, and at the ending Indigo Labrys and our other sistren friend laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. Picture this: an artist painted a butterfly, with the head of her dead lover coming out of it, in 1990's Lisa Frank style. Yep, not even joking. It was heinous.
In case you missed the gay film festivals this year, here is a summary of some gems of wisdom we gleaned from our fieldwork:
For Movie Makers (we've watched a lot of bad lesbian films, so therefore are qualified to give advice)
- Morgan Fairchild is hilarious. (Don't see "A Perfect Ending." You'll be sad.)
- Models should really stick to their day job. (see above)
- When making a movie, make sure your cinematography reflects actual plot/thematic points. There is no need to show every trick you know how to do- like focusing on something really tight, showing two images of someone in the same scene (she was of TWO MINDS and couldn't make a decisions- so subtle!!), etc.
- Editing is your friend. "A Perfect Ending" would have been great as a short, with more Morgan Fairchild and maybe a few seconds of everyone else. Or better yet, just Morgan Fairchild.
- Lesbians love character development! Please use some. ("Hey." "Hey." <making out> "I love you!" does not character development make)
For Our Sistren:
- Diners are depressing. Especially the rotating cheesecake displays (See "Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same. A lesbian movie that's funny and campy on purpose? Who knew!)
- Go to these movies with other sistren, so you can bond/share in the pain together
- Olympia Dukakis plays an amazing old butch (Cloudburst- I enjoyed this much more than Indigo Labrys. Just don't watch the last 10 minutes and you'll be good to go)
- Even though you think your bar for lesbian movies is really, really low, someone will surpass it. Prepare for extra processing time at the bar with your sistren when this happens, as you will have a lot of feelings to discuss.
- Apparently, in Sweden people fall in love instantly, especially while watching deer graze at twilight, despite not knowing each other at all, and being in long-term monogamous relationships. Keep this in mind if you go traveling.
We hope you have the lovely opportunity to go to a gay film festival too, sistren! Despite the horror of many of the films we saw, we'd do it again in a heartbeat, and mourned the loss of the festival as we began our fall semesters of grad studenthood.
Happy fall friends! We promise not to stay away so long next time!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Step Back, Pussy Cat
Sistren, I love a metaphor, and when metaphors combine with cats, you've got a win-win situation!
**Side note: I do NOT love metaphors that are mind-numbingly heavy handed, such as in the movie I recently watched with Indigo Labrys. I don't want to call anyone out, so let's just say the title starts with "A" and ends with "Perfect Ending." But I digress.
Anyhoo, inspired by Indigo Labrys' astounding previous post, I realized that there are more comparisons to be made between felines and the fairer sex.
Take, for example, The Librarian's cat, Cat-Megan, compared to another lady after your woman.
**Side note: I do NOT love metaphors that are mind-numbingly heavy handed, such as in the movie I recently watched with Indigo Labrys. I don't want to call anyone out, so let's just say the title starts with "A" and ends with "Perfect Ending." But I digress.
Anyhoo, inspired by Indigo Labrys' astounding previous post, I realized that there are more comparisons to be made between felines and the fairer sex.
Take, for example, The Librarian's cat, Cat-Megan, compared to another lady after your woman.
Her pretty face has fooled many a guest into thinking they could touch her, only to be viciously swatted or hissed at when they attempted to do so. Just like when a lady is trying to pry her way into your lady's pants. She may seem all sweetness and light, but don't let that exterior fool you!
Cat-Megan will feign affection for me sometimes, usually when The Librarian is out of town or she's hungry. Any hussy after your lady friend will do the same. Pretend to be your friend, laugh at your jokes, etc., all so that you let your guard down. Your lady friend is hanging out with her new coworker without you? You're happy she's got a new gal pal who's so awesome! Just beware if she's trying to butter you up with sweetness/ rubs against your legs a lot while purring.
Once you are out of the way, these pussy cats are quick to jump in bed and take your place. The second I'm up in the morning, Cat-Megan curls up with The Librarian. She either starts shooting daggers at me, or looks at me smugly while my lady friend pets and coos about how pretty she is. When I come back from a trip, Cat-Megan gives me a look as if to say "Oh, you're back? I thought she finally got rid of you." Fat chance, kitty! To assert your dominance over such a kitty, you could do as they do and rub your face over everything, or snuggle up to your lady every time the cat jumps in her lap. The same will work with aggressive lady lovers- just rub your face all over your girlfriend's body/ belongings in her presence and she'll get the hint.
Now, while you and everyone else know the cat/ the new lady pal is pure evil, your life companion remains oblivious and insists they are a sweet precious angel/ their BFF for life who is just misunderstood by the rest of the planet. And annoyingly, just as your girlfriend's cat physically gets in between you when you're cuddling, and causes an emotional ripple in your blissful we're-so-merged-we agree-on-everything state, this new queer lady pal always seems to manage to sit in between the two of you at the lesbian bar/ gay lady potluck/ softball tourney. She's trying to sink her claws into your lady's heart, just as Cat-Megan sinks her claws into your ankle when she attacks you on the stairs.
While the situation may seem desperate, fear not, sistren. We are here to help after all, not just whine about our problems!
Like Indigo Labrys has suggested, food is an excellent way to distract a cat, and also a lady intruder. While cooking tasty treats for a hussy may backfire as she may then never leave your home, throw some tasty ladies across her path instead! When you're all out at a lady bar, keep giving her a friendly nudge on the dance floor. Hopefully, she'll get distracted and forget about your lady friend. It's just like when Cat-Megan lovingly clamps her jaws around her favorite toy- a hussy won't want to let all those pretty ladies get away without taking a bite.
While constant vigilance can be necessary to keep the hussies and pussy cats away, I have confidence that our dear readers will be able to stop interlopers from infringing on your blissful love nest.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Lesbians, please stop embarrassing us!
Internet sistren, y'all are all kinds of crazy! And now I have clear evidence!
In case one of the two of you readers don't know this, the Librarian and I met online, on OK Cupid (or OKC for us frequent users). Yesterday I logged on to try to figure out how I could prevent lesbian-seeking dudes from trolling my profile. While I didn't manage that task, I found something else that made the effort to log on totally worth it: OK Cupid success stories! If you have an account, scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link, and prepare to be entertained!
But as well as being entertained, I was highly embarrassed by my sistren who submitted their stories. For the most part, it was filled with the insanity that is usually reserved for episodes of Lip Service (has anyone watched that? I made it through the first season and hated them all, so bad!) or a lesbian romance novel (check back soon for Indigo Labrys' post inspired by one of our recent reads!)
Because I can't begin to replicate the insanity that I saw on OKC, I'm just gonna go ahead and quote directly. Commentary is unnecessary, but I'm also gonna go ahead and comment, 'cause I have a lot of feelings. Mostly of rage and disappointment.
Many of the relationships included in the success stories started as long distance, some of them quite a long long distance, and resulting in u-hauling after a few days or months of dating. INSANE! Have fun with that when you realize you don't really know this person or anything about their living habits. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I suspect bitterness and resentment sets in.
Clearly, the OKC ladies need Indigo Labrys' and my advice! We are here to tell you what not to do when starting a relationship, and when creating your own relationship narrative. Do you want people to raise their eyebrows and avoid eye contact when you tell them your "how we met" story? I didn't think so.
Bad Example 1: Texts are not romantic
In case one of the two of you readers don't know this, the Librarian and I met online, on OK Cupid (or OKC for us frequent users). Yesterday I logged on to try to figure out how I could prevent lesbian-seeking dudes from trolling my profile. While I didn't manage that task, I found something else that made the effort to log on totally worth it: OK Cupid success stories! If you have an account, scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link, and prepare to be entertained!
But as well as being entertained, I was highly embarrassed by my sistren who submitted their stories. For the most part, it was filled with the insanity that is usually reserved for episodes of Lip Service (has anyone watched that? I made it through the first season and hated them all, so bad!) or a lesbian romance novel (check back soon for Indigo Labrys' post inspired by one of our recent reads!)
Because I can't begin to replicate the insanity that I saw on OKC, I'm just gonna go ahead and quote directly. Commentary is unnecessary, but I'm also gonna go ahead and comment, 'cause I have a lot of feelings. Mostly of rage and disappointment.
Many of the relationships included in the success stories started as long distance, some of them quite a long long distance, and resulting in u-hauling after a few days or months of dating. INSANE! Have fun with that when you realize you don't really know this person or anything about their living habits. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I suspect bitterness and resentment sets in.
Clearly, the OKC ladies need Indigo Labrys' and my advice! We are here to tell you what not to do when starting a relationship, and when creating your own relationship narrative. Do you want people to raise their eyebrows and avoid eye contact when you tell them your "how we met" story? I didn't think so.
Bad Example 1: Texts are not romantic
"Leaving that night, I knew that I loved her. 4 days later
(15 days) after we met, Crazy Pants* told me that she loved me through a sequence of
3 text messages. Romantic? Yes because we did not know when we would be
together again but we were both overwhelmed and overflowing."
* Name has been changed to reflect my feelings
Call me old fashioned, but saying I love you for the first time over a "sequence of 3 text messages" is not romantic, it's childish. Are we to assume the texts read "I" "Love" and "You?" Please. At least say it over the phone! Part of the cheesy awesomeness of your lady love saying those three words is hearing her voice actually SAY them.
Also- she said I love you 15 days after they met!!!! What in the world? Granted, I'm against revealing too much too soon (read previous post on Inappropriate Girl), but in what world is 15 days appropriate for love declarations? Ridiculous. Also, later in the story they say that they dated for 4 months, "tragedy struck" and they were apart for 2, but now they're totally on track and so in love and everything is super awesome now. Sure it is, kids, sure it is.
Also- she said I love you 15 days after they met!!!! What in the world? Granted, I'm against revealing too much too soon (read previous post on Inappropriate Girl), but in what world is 15 days appropriate for love declarations? Ridiculous. Also, later in the story they say that they dated for 4 months, "tragedy struck" and they were apart for 2, but now they're totally on track and so in love and everything is super awesome now. Sure it is, kids, sure it is.
Bad Example 2: Don't put all your eggs in one basket
"I am so grateful for OkCupid! It gave me the love of my
life, my wife, my baby's mother, my soul mate, my lover and friend, my
everything and all. I met that one in a million that you only dream of sharing
your life with."
Wow, this lady has a lot of feelings. Please refer to our past posts that have mentioned other friends. These people are important to have in your life- putting all of your emotional needs into only one person can only lead to disaster!
Bad Example 3: Young lesbos, keep it classy
"The fact we're both still really young doesn't seem
to have phased us, I don't think, plus the sex is completely brilliant and she
causes me to have mind blowing orgasms every night. Oh yes, no lesbian bed
death in this relationship."
Ladies, when you're older and wiser and not 19 anymore, you may be embarrassed that you talked about your sex life so publicly. Remember our mantra, secret feelings should be secret. Also, drawing attention to your youth and how you totally know your honey is your soul mate even if you've only known each other a short time will only give people permission to mock you after your romance goes south.
Bad Example 4: Know your destination before you plan the road trip
"We would move in together in March of 09, me still
thinking (in Feb 09) we were to be roommates when I finally just blurted out,
"E, what are we exactly?"
I have so many feelings about this one! Now, as many lesbians know, it can at times be hard to tell if it's just coffee or if it's a date, so much so that that phrase is a joke and the title of a lesbian dating book. But knowing whether you're girlfriends, or just friends, or friends with benefits that could lead to more commitment, or friends who occasionally flirt or hook up when single should definitely be a requirement before deciding to move in together. You'd think this would be obvious to everyone, but apparently at least 2 lesbians are struggling with this basic concept. With their great communication skills, I predict only sunshine and roses in their future!
Bad Example 5 and 6: If you're going to submit a story, at least learn how to write a proper sentence/ something that doesn't sound like Twilight fanfic.
"We met on February 6th 2009 we were supposed to meet
the Friday before Valentine's Day but my friend Totally-Unnecessary-to-the-Story* was going to Austin for
the weekend and asked if I would like to tag along."
As I used to teach my students, only include things that support your thesis. Do we need to know about TUthS and her trip to Austin? Did something happen there relevant to your new relationship? I didn't think so.
"Without
realization, I appeared at her front step with my stomach in my throat. A
5'3" beautiful girl approached my sight and my palms started loosening the
grip it had clenched to the phone I had tightly squeezed in my hand. Trying to
distract myself from staring, I dropped eye contact and started to become very
silent. The anticipation I had built up towards her was tumbling in my stomach,
making my hands become very shaky, too shaky for me to hide. I finally built up
the confidence to grab her and pull her soft lips into mine."
So many things are bad in this paragraph, but I'll just point out one. Now baby gay, I can see that you're trying to make this sound all cool and romantic. But "pull her soft lips into mine" is just not a sexy image. Are you tugging them with your hand? Are your lips gigantic suctions cups? Are they magnets? Are you those sad people on that Virgin Diaries show who look like they're eating each others' faces? Try again.
If you MUST share your love story with the interwebs, please consider these guidelines:
- Wait until your relationship actually counts as long term. Just a hint, 4 months is not long term. Especially if you live in totally different places/ have only seen each other a few times/ only say I love you over text messages.
- Don't talk about your sexy times. No one wants to hear that. Do you want your mother/boss/thesis advisor accidentally finding it? I hope not.
- Please, please refrain from using the terms "soul mate" or "love of my life." I beg you! Just don't.
- Don't use this posting as an attempt to justify your relationship. If it's real, you don't need validation via a public posting or "OMG I love her SO MUCH!!!!! My babykins is the most perfect woman ever in the world for me!!!!" It just makes it obvious that you're trying too hard.
- And please don't be a stereotype. I mean, clearly most of the lesbians who submitted stories are not mature adults, but baby lesbos, consult one of your elders before declaring your 2-month story of love to the universe.
- Do share the cute story about how you met/ got engayged, etc., but leave out all the fluff/ attempts at being artsy. No one cares about that stuff, they just wanna hear about you. As one who is guilty of being a sucker for these types of things, I speak from experience.
The Librarian and I are considering submitting a success story for the sole purpose of counteracting some of the insanity. Here's what I'm thinking so far:
"Despite her bad choice in wearing a non-date sweater to our first meeting, we went on a second date and I realized OMG SHE IS TOTALLY MY SOUL MATE FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!"
Just kidding.
Monday, July 30, 2012
An Update from Baby Gay
I am happy to report this text convo between my favorite baby gay and I:
me:
me:
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Party Planning: Celebrating your U-Hauled status
Sistren, there comes a time in many a queer lady's life when you will move in with your lady friend. This may come after 1 month, 6 months, or even 1 long, long year after meeting your soulmate. The Librarian and I will officially be in a one-household relationship at the end of the month. So naturally, we want to celebrate this exciting time with our friends. I would like to celebrate it by getting rid of all non-date sweaters, and this new hideous addition to the abode (pictured below), but sadly I don't think either of these things are going to happen, so we're having a party instead.
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| Zebra print with neon pink faux-alligator trim. So wrong. |
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While discussing our party plans with Indigo Labrys last night (after viewing the amazingly educational film, Step Up: Revolution), The Librarian had the brilliantly cheesy idea to choose our party menu based on food we've had at past events we've hosted together. This idea made my eyes light up in that special way that only happens with the potential for embarrassingly cheesy things. The Librarian is rarely cheesy, so her innocent idea was even more awesome! I think she regretted the suggestion, however, when I quickly added that we could make little signs for all the food! Such as "Thai Cashews: First served at our very first co-hosted dinner party back in 2010!" What could be better than documentation via tasty treats? Since I also document everything with my trusty camera, I could accompany all signage with photos of said event! It would be so amazing!
Indigo Labrys also had the idea to serve everything in pairs. So charming! Just want one cucumber sandwich? No way! This party is about unity, and that means 2 of everything for everyone, appetites be damned! Or, just make everything out of pears, for a clever play on words. Fun times!
As I had not previously considered any cheesy decor options, I feel I need to really pull it together before next weekend. These are the options I have thought of so far:
- Playing that "Two of Hearts" song from the 80s on repeat, and other sweet ditties
- Use my window crayons (an amazing score from our Christmas party white elephant exchange) to draw connecting hearts with our names in them!
- A cake with a U-Haul on it! (this was The Librarians idea- it will be amazing if we actually do it)
- Librarian and school teacher action figures as a centerpiece! Or maybe just books- we have a lot of those. We could use our many lesbian romance novels, to keep with the theme!!!
- Have a craft station where guests can make their own love letters. cards, or festive headbands and pins for their special someone, or future special someone! (Though nothing will top the cheese explosion of the video birthday card I made for The Librarian, thanks to the technical hand-holding support from our pal, the Computer Whiz)
I'm sure there are many more amazing decorating options out there. What do you think, Sistren?
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Captive Hearts
Captive Hearts: How Your Girlfriend is like a Cat
As many of our readers know, there is very little
that Not Allured and I love more than our lady friends and our cats. Recently,
my lady friend and I had the opportunity to cat-sit for Not Allured and her
girlfriend, the Librarian. We were charged with taking care of Not Allured’s
stepcat, Cat-Megan. While the Librarian claims that Cat-Megan is a sweet
creature of an angelic temperament, we saw no evidence to support her obviously
spurious claims.
Cat-Megan spent many hours stalking my lady-friend
and me; when we ran upstairs to clean her litterbox, she would follow us up and
sit on the landing, waiting to pounce upon our feet while hissing crazily. I
attempted to dissuade her from this by waving a washcloth in her face, but she
took it away and then attacked my feet with even more rage. In addition to
pouncing whenever we came within three feet of her, she became increasingly
distressed when we made eye contact with her. By the end of the first day, we
were afraid to walk past her, and began avoiding any room she occupied.
But my ladyfriend and I were determined to free
ourselves from Cat-Megan’s reign of furry terror. We decided to take measures
to launch a counterstrike. And it was during Operation Enduring Lesbian Freedom
that I discovered something both beautiful and terrible: winning the affections
(or at least, toleration) of a cat is not unlike finding a girlfriend.
Here are some incontrovertible proofs (and ways to
woo yourself a lady friend who will be your companion animal FOR LIFE):
(1) It
is easier to make friends with cats and ladies when both are feeling
vulnerable. Cat-Megan, for example, was very distressed because both the
Librarian and Not Allured were nowhere to be found, and she is a highly
sociable kitty. After 24 -48 hours of no attention and no petting, Cat-Megan
was feeling lost and forlorn and was thus ready for us to go in for the kill. This
is not unlike when the object of your affections has gone through a rough
break-up; now is the time to make your move, sistren! Do it while she’s emotionally
vulnerable and scared that she’ll never get petted again.
(2) Food
is a useful albeit creepy way to achieve closeness. Cat-Megan ran from our
touch whenever we attempted to pet her, but sought us out when she was hungry.
As long as she was hungry, we could pet her for a good 30 seconds at a time
before she realized she wasn’t getting fed and ran away. When we put down food
for her, we could pet her for exactly as long as it took for her to wolf down
her dinner. Likewise, ladies also like food – as you will remember, the
Librarian purchased her first veggie cookbook when she began dating our
sistren, Not Allured. I like to take this a step further, however, and plan
really heavy foods for the first date; my lady friend is particularly
susceptible to this, and will often succumb to a post-prandial nap, thus
allowing me to sniff her hair and cut locks of it for my special memory box. If
it’s a particularly heavy food, like a dozen potatoes, I can be assured of
several hours of quality hair-smelling and face-stroking.
(3) Be
emotionally withholding. Cats hate it when you’re interested in them; when you
run after them with your arms outstretched screaming “CUDDLES!” they freak the
fuck out and hide under the bed. Women will pretty much do the same thing,
except for that they won’t be anywhere near your bed. If you’re emotionally
withholding, though, you can lure those sly pussies out from their hidey-holes
and stroke them to your heart’s content.
(4) Much
like your cat, girlfriends are also cutest and most loveable in the earliest
stages of your relationship. Make sure to appreciate your girlfriend’s “kitten
phase” while it lasts; help her use up that boundless kitten energy and play
with her as much as she wants! Eventually, that kitten phase will end, and she
will just want to sleep on your couch all the time.
(5) Like
a kitty, your girlfriend may want to prowl around at all hours of the night.
Kitties are easily lured away from your warm, comfortable home by the promise
of new sights and smells, like line-dancing and booze at the local gay bar.
Make it clear to your kitty that chasing tail is strictly prohibited, and that
you will lock her out of the house and take away all her nice wet food if she
strays. Unless of course you are in an open relationship with your cat.
(6) Kitties
go crazy for wet food. They find a dry meal incredibly unappetizing because,
like your girlfriend, they are carnivores at heart. Open your cans early and
often.
So there you have it. Six ways that demonstrate how
cats and lesbians are kindred spirits. Now go make her purr, ladies.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Just Say No to Name Tattoos
Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.
Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.
This was our conversation in a nutshell:
Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.
Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!
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Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?
Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.
Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.
This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?
So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.
And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.
And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.
Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.
This was our conversation in a nutshell:
Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.
Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!
Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?
Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.
Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.
This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?
So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.
And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.
And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
How do I live without you? I want to know
Sistren, I am currently working a job where I am away from The Librarian. It is almost finished, but when I return we will have been living apart for an entire MONTH! Which in lesbian time, is equivalent to 1.2 years.
As you can imagine, this is a great hardship. The lonely nights in my sad single bed (sad mostly because it is a sub-par dorm mattress), missing evenings cooking together while I eat my sad food (the scale goes from "edible" to "only makes you feel slightly nauseous" to "don't touch it if you value your life"), and mornings where I don't have to share the bathroom (actually, not worrying about using all the hot water is awesome!).
So how do I cope with this time of trial? What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Well, sistren, you can look at our previous post on surviving separate holiday travel, as many of the same tips apply. If in your state of extreme anguish you can't manage that task, I have some more words of wisdom for you.
1) Skype and video calling are your friends! Thanks to technology, you can stare soulfully into each others eyes from across the distance. No matter how many miles lay between you and your life mate, the soul connection you share is always as close as your heartbeat.
2) As mentioned previously, send her constant text messages! Since you won't see her in the evening to tell her every minute detail of your day, make sure she gets this information in some form. Did your coworker tell a funny joke that you kinda had to be there to get but because you share everything with your soul twin you know she'll find it hilarious too? Did you think of her when you brushed your teeth and realized her toothbrush wasn't there? Did you have a sandwich that was a poor substitute for the one she would have lovingly placed in your personalized lunch bag? Tell her these things at once, and it'll be like she's sharing the experience!
3) Talk about your love muffin constantly with your new friends and coworkers! Because nothing brings a group together like pining over loved ones. It's easy to bring up your lady friend in conversation- just bring her up anytime something reminds you of her, which is probably ALL the time. "Oh, you forgot your key this morning? Once my lady friend did too, and I had to meet her at work to give them to her! Aren't girlfriends the best?" If they look at you strangely for always bringing her up, just know that they're contemplating the deep feelings you have towards your sig-l.
4) Have a picture of your lady friend beside your bed/ printed onto a pillowcase/ embroidered on a T-shirt/ etc., so you can be close to her during the nights of flying solo. What better way to express your love than with a physical manifestation? I can't think of one, can you?
5) Obviously your lady friend is calling/texting/emailing you daily or even hourly, but is that really enough? Get your mutual friends to send you updates too! If you know she's going to dinner with someone, ask them what you talked about/ what she was wearing/ if she looked like she had been crying from missing you so much/ etc. This is what friends are for, to help you through these trying times.
I hope these tips will serve you well, sistren. If all else fails, just read lesbian romance novels. If you're feeling especially disheartened, just cross out the protagonists' names and write in those of you and your honey. Indigo Labrys and I can recommend some if you're in need.
And remember, though nothing will ever get between you and your soul bond, better safe than sorry.
As you can imagine, this is a great hardship. The lonely nights in my sad single bed (sad mostly because it is a sub-par dorm mattress), missing evenings cooking together while I eat my sad food (the scale goes from "edible" to "only makes you feel slightly nauseous" to "don't touch it if you value your life"), and mornings where I don't have to share the bathroom (actually, not worrying about using all the hot water is awesome!).
So how do I cope with this time of trial? What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Well, sistren, you can look at our previous post on surviving separate holiday travel, as many of the same tips apply. If in your state of extreme anguish you can't manage that task, I have some more words of wisdom for you.
1) Skype and video calling are your friends! Thanks to technology, you can stare soulfully into each others eyes from across the distance. No matter how many miles lay between you and your life mate, the soul connection you share is always as close as your heartbeat.
2) As mentioned previously, send her constant text messages! Since you won't see her in the evening to tell her every minute detail of your day, make sure she gets this information in some form. Did your coworker tell a funny joke that you kinda had to be there to get but because you share everything with your soul twin you know she'll find it hilarious too? Did you think of her when you brushed your teeth and realized her toothbrush wasn't there? Did you have a sandwich that was a poor substitute for the one she would have lovingly placed in your personalized lunch bag? Tell her these things at once, and it'll be like she's sharing the experience!
3) Talk about your love muffin constantly with your new friends and coworkers! Because nothing brings a group together like pining over loved ones. It's easy to bring up your lady friend in conversation- just bring her up anytime something reminds you of her, which is probably ALL the time. "Oh, you forgot your key this morning? Once my lady friend did too, and I had to meet her at work to give them to her! Aren't girlfriends the best?" If they look at you strangely for always bringing her up, just know that they're contemplating the deep feelings you have towards your sig-l.
4) Have a picture of your lady friend beside your bed/ printed onto a pillowcase/ embroidered on a T-shirt/ etc., so you can be close to her during the nights of flying solo. What better way to express your love than with a physical manifestation? I can't think of one, can you?
5) Obviously your lady friend is calling/texting/emailing you daily or even hourly, but is that really enough? Get your mutual friends to send you updates too! If you know she's going to dinner with someone, ask them what you talked about/ what she was wearing/ if she looked like she had been crying from missing you so much/ etc. This is what friends are for, to help you through these trying times.
I hope these tips will serve you well, sistren. If all else fails, just read lesbian romance novels. If you're feeling especially disheartened, just cross out the protagonists' names and write in those of you and your honey. Indigo Labrys and I can recommend some if you're in need.
And remember, though nothing will ever get between you and your soul bond, better safe than sorry.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Face Off
Hello, lesbians.
Let's talk about internet dating.
Since I moved to North Cackalacky, I have been an internet dating machine - not only because I am a skankypants and a massive procrastinator, but because it has by far been the most effective way for me to make friends in the area with as little effort as possible. Never before has it been this easy for me - and you, and lesbians everywhere - to locate potential gal pals and then vet them without investing precious time and energy or losing your dignity. Never again will you pick up a cute lady at the bar to find out she doesn't read and is as dumb as a bag of hair. (True story).
However! This does not mean that internet dating is without its dangers. Perils abound! People lie all the time and try to play to your expectations (it's like a job interview ... for your bed). How can you combat their tricksy lies and schemes? There is a way out: be a good reader of internet dating profiles. Treat each profile like it's a poetry assignment from your 10th grade English teacher and close read that shit.
Thanks to my time procrastinating at OKC (and match.com, and tangowire, and plentyoffish, and planetout), here are some things to watch out for:
(1) Let's start at the beginning: profile pictures. I have included an illustrated guide to what NOT to do in your profile picture. Do not: include photos that don't actually look like you. While I know that you (like me) are probably a beautiful iridescent butterfly whose charms are much more apparent while you're flitting around effortlessly in life and thus cannot be captured by a camera, some photos will look more like you than others. Choose these photos. Do not select photos from your short-lived career as a teen model, from your infancy, or from (if you are me) that time that you used to wear a lot of tie-dye. Not only will you be harder to find should you meet up, but you might really be disappointing any dates who are tie-dye aficionados, a style from which you have since moved on.
You should also choose pictures in which you are visible: even if you love your cat, try to avoid pictures in which your entire face is obscured by your cat / dog / fishbowl; additionally, and this seems to be especially problematic for lesbians, DON'T choose that picture of you doing something outdoors with a bunch of trees. Not only are you wearing sunglasses and a helmet and a bodysuit, you're cycling so fast you're slightly blurry. Goddammit.
(2) Be wary of the following: anyone who says they don't like drama, anyone who says that they do like drama, anyone who says that they're over their ex and ready to move on. (Respectively, these can be translated as, "I am a magnet for drama but lack the self-awareness to know / fix this," "I'm fucking insane, and "If I were over my ex, I probably wouldn't need to state this.")
(3) This is more of a personal pet peeve, but anyone whose favorite books are all books that they read in high school. Because this means that the last book that you read was in high school. (e.g. "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Nine Coaches Waiting," "Macbeth," "The Scarlet Letter," and "The Pearl" - omg, did you go to my high school?! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!)
(4) Be wary of: these two words! "Ayn Rand." Just close that window, now. (Unless you like Ayn Rand, in which case, why are you reading my website? Don't you have a busy schedule of complaining about how you're being oppressed by the needs of others?)
(5) Be wary of: anyone who doesn't "believe" in either evolution or dinosaurs. (It's a belief, y'all). Anyone who thinks either interracial marriage or homosexuality is wrong. (Also an okc question, wtf). (AND I HAVE BEEN MESSAGED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE ALL THESE THINGS).
(6) Be wary of: anyone who describes their love for cats as "intense." (I just saw this on an okc profile and it's beautiful but mostly terrifying).
Anything I'm missing? I'd like to close with this picture of me, which I have never used on an internet dating profile, ever.
Aaaand, you're welcome. PS - Thanks to "Not Allured" and Danae for the blog fodder.
Let's talk about internet dating.
Since I moved to North Cackalacky, I have been an internet dating machine - not only because I am a skankypants and a massive procrastinator, but because it has by far been the most effective way for me to make friends in the area with as little effort as possible. Never before has it been this easy for me - and you, and lesbians everywhere - to locate potential gal pals and then vet them without investing precious time and energy or losing your dignity. Never again will you pick up a cute lady at the bar to find out she doesn't read and is as dumb as a bag of hair. (True story).
However! This does not mean that internet dating is without its dangers. Perils abound! People lie all the time and try to play to your expectations (it's like a job interview ... for your bed). How can you combat their tricksy lies and schemes? There is a way out: be a good reader of internet dating profiles. Treat each profile like it's a poetry assignment from your 10th grade English teacher and close read that shit.
Thanks to my time procrastinating at OKC (and match.com, and tangowire, and plentyoffish, and planetout), here are some things to watch out for:
(1) Let's start at the beginning: profile pictures. I have included an illustrated guide to what NOT to do in your profile picture. Do not: include photos that don't actually look like you. While I know that you (like me) are probably a beautiful iridescent butterfly whose charms are much more apparent while you're flitting around effortlessly in life and thus cannot be captured by a camera, some photos will look more like you than others. Choose these photos. Do not select photos from your short-lived career as a teen model, from your infancy, or from (if you are me) that time that you used to wear a lot of tie-dye. Not only will you be harder to find should you meet up, but you might really be disappointing any dates who are tie-dye aficionados, a style from which you have since moved on.
You should also choose pictures in which you are visible: even if you love your cat, try to avoid pictures in which your entire face is obscured by your cat / dog / fishbowl; additionally, and this seems to be especially problematic for lesbians, DON'T choose that picture of you doing something outdoors with a bunch of trees. Not only are you wearing sunglasses and a helmet and a bodysuit, you're cycling so fast you're slightly blurry. Goddammit.
(2) Be wary of the following: anyone who says they don't like drama, anyone who says that they do like drama, anyone who says that they're over their ex and ready to move on. (Respectively, these can be translated as, "I am a magnet for drama but lack the self-awareness to know / fix this," "I'm fucking insane, and "If I were over my ex, I probably wouldn't need to state this.")
(3) This is more of a personal pet peeve, but anyone whose favorite books are all books that they read in high school. Because this means that the last book that you read was in high school. (e.g. "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Nine Coaches Waiting," "Macbeth," "The Scarlet Letter," and "The Pearl" - omg, did you go to my high school?! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!)
(4) Be wary of: these two words! "Ayn Rand." Just close that window, now. (Unless you like Ayn Rand, in which case, why are you reading my website? Don't you have a busy schedule of complaining about how you're being oppressed by the needs of others?)
(5) Be wary of: anyone who doesn't "believe" in either evolution or dinosaurs. (It's a belief, y'all). Anyone who thinks either interracial marriage or homosexuality is wrong. (Also an okc question, wtf). (AND I HAVE BEEN MESSAGED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE ALL THESE THINGS).
(6) Be wary of: anyone who describes their love for cats as "intense." (I just saw this on an okc profile and it's beautiful but mostly terrifying).
Anything I'm missing? I'd like to close with this picture of me, which I have never used on an internet dating profile, ever.
Aaaand, you're welcome. PS - Thanks to "Not Allured" and Danae for the blog fodder.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?
Sistren, Indigo Labrys and I have recently returned from (separate) family vacations with our lady friends. It thus seemed time to talk about surviving this u-haul rite of passage with all two of you readers, and so I hope you enjoy this vignette.
For part of our recent vacay, the Librarian and I went on a four-day rafting trip with my dad. Just the three of us, on a raft, on a no trace river. In case you don't recognize that term, that means you have to take everything out with you. Everything. Just think about it for a second.
This led to many bonding experiences over conversations about the "groover" (camp toilet): how to use it, where to use it, why you shouldn't tip it over, how to carry it on the boat, how to squat over it without falling over, how to manage the toilet paper (hint, don't drop the only roll in the river on the 2nd day, which I may or may not have done), what to do if you have your period while using it (which became relevant on day 2- bad timing), etc. This also led to comments from my dad to the Librarian like "your ass is really white!" when he turned around too soon.
Before leaving on the trip, the Librarian and I went out with one of my old pals (also a fabulous gay lady) whom I've known since high school. She also knows my dad pretty well. When we told her about these plans, she asked, "Has she ever spent much time with your dad?" in a voice which insinuated that the librarian needed to be mentally prepared.
She had not, and I had been prepping her by warning her about all the lectures we would be getting about the proper way to tie knots and get into the boat (we kinda sucked at both of those things), and the constant teasing she would be subjected to. It only took two days for my dad to give her the first of a few new nicknames, which I will not repeat to keep our domestic harmony intact. But they were pretty funny, I can assure you.
Despite all these moments of ridiculousness, and the fact that the Librarian ended the trip with a wicked sunburn, we had a good time. I was a bit worried she would leave this trip thinking "omg, what have I gotten myself into?!" as my Dad can be a bit much sometimes, and we are also very, very similar. But I'm not as crotchety. Hopefully.... Anyway, the librarian and my dad got along great, we all had fun, and my lady friend has seen my family for the crazy that we are, and did not break up with me upon returning to civilization.
We hope to go on another rafting trip with him, if he'll consent to it. Typical of a dad, he still thinks I'm the same size I was in high school (which wasn't petite then either, let me tell you), and so grossly underestimated how much extra weight two adult women would add to his boat. Oh well, he got some good exercise.
From this experience, we want to offer our sistren these helpful tips:
For part of our recent vacay, the Librarian and I went on a four-day rafting trip with my dad. Just the three of us, on a raft, on a no trace river. In case you don't recognize that term, that means you have to take everything out with you. Everything. Just think about it for a second.
This led to many bonding experiences over conversations about the "groover" (camp toilet): how to use it, where to use it, why you shouldn't tip it over, how to carry it on the boat, how to squat over it without falling over, how to manage the toilet paper (hint, don't drop the only roll in the river on the 2nd day, which I may or may not have done), what to do if you have your period while using it (which became relevant on day 2- bad timing), etc. This also led to comments from my dad to the Librarian like "your ass is really white!" when he turned around too soon.
Before leaving on the trip, the Librarian and I went out with one of my old pals (also a fabulous gay lady) whom I've known since high school. She also knows my dad pretty well. When we told her about these plans, she asked, "Has she ever spent much time with your dad?" in a voice which insinuated that the librarian needed to be mentally prepared.
She had not, and I had been prepping her by warning her about all the lectures we would be getting about the proper way to tie knots and get into the boat (we kinda sucked at both of those things), and the constant teasing she would be subjected to. It only took two days for my dad to give her the first of a few new nicknames, which I will not repeat to keep our domestic harmony intact. But they were pretty funny, I can assure you.
Despite all these moments of ridiculousness, and the fact that the Librarian ended the trip with a wicked sunburn, we had a good time. I was a bit worried she would leave this trip thinking "omg, what have I gotten myself into?!" as my Dad can be a bit much sometimes, and we are also very, very similar. But I'm not as crotchety. Hopefully.... Anyway, the librarian and my dad got along great, we all had fun, and my lady friend has seen my family for the crazy that we are, and did not break up with me upon returning to civilization.
We hope to go on another rafting trip with him, if he'll consent to it. Typical of a dad, he still thinks I'm the same size I was in high school (which wasn't petite then either, let me tell you), and so grossly underestimated how much extra weight two adult women would add to his boat. Oh well, he got some good exercise.
From this experience, we want to offer our sistren these helpful tips:
- Just nod and agree with anything the parents out-of-law say. "Yes, I do find knot tying fascinating! Please tell me more!"
- Accept instructions on how to do something you've been able to do successfully since the age of 12 gracefully. "Why thank you for telling me that a lid over the pan will make the food cook faster! Genius!"
- Accept their food preferences, no matter how off-putting or strange. "30 cloves of garlic in one dish? An entire Costco-sized bag of brussels sprouts? Sounds delicious!" (this is not an exaggeration)
- Ask for their advice on something- they love this! "How likely do you think it is that someone will come down the river this late?"
- Don't hold a grudge when their advice turns out wrong "Highly unlikely! Nobody will float by while you pee!" (shortly thereafter, two dudes may or may not have floated past and stared at the aforementioned white ass)
- No matter what you do, don't drop the toilet paper in the water!
We hope that all your family vacations will be full of wholesome bonding moments such as ours.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Proposing to your special lady friend
Sistren, our state made us angry today. In an attempt to lessen our feelings of deep depression, Indigo Labrys suggested a blog post on proposing! Whether it be marriage, civil union-ship, domestic partnership, or just "special roommates" if that's all your state/geographic location allows, we are here to help. Here are some suggestions, let us know if you have more!
Totally lesbo places to propose:
Totally lesbo places to propose:
- Obviously, the boudoir.
- Your softball game- obviously you're on the same team
- Your knitting/sewing/craft circle
- Your local co-op, preferably in the organic food section, or by the kombucha
- A women's book store
- A ({}) bar
- At the dog park
- Karaoke bar
- Homo Depot
- The animal shelter, whilst picking out your third cat
- When she wakes up and is barely conscious, ask her to be yours forever before she has her wits about her, she's bound to say yes! When she seems confused about it later, keep up your enthusiastic gushing about your big day.
- Have the score keepers put it on the score board, and drop down on one knee at home plate. Go the extra mile and have the ring hidden inside a catcher's mitt, cut out softball, you get the idea, keep that creativity up my friend.
- Knitting the question in a nice afghan, or just the letters themselves. Kinda like in Charlotte's Web, but more awesome and less misogynistic.
- What better way to say "I want to be your permanent soul bond" than during a domestic activity? Nothing says I love you forever like a routine trip to the store. Seal the deal by getting a family membership to the co-op!
- Choose some lesbian romance novels, or lesbo wedding ones, that can serve as a metaphor for your relationship (I do not suggest In Too Deep- shudder.). Browse these with your lady friend and then say you want this fiction to be a reality!
- Who doesn't love a proposal in front of a bunch of drunken, rowdy strangers? Popping the question at your local ({}) bar is a surefire way to get a lot of pats on the back and free drinks from the other patrons. Get down on bended knee on the dance floor, and she's sure to swoon. Just make sure the song isn't so loud she can't hear you, or she may just think you're doing a weird dance move.
- Attaching the ring to your dog's collar- what better way to propose than to include your fur child in the event? And if she says no, you can claim he stole the ring from someone else! It's a win-win.
- Sing her a special love song at karaoke (Indigo Labrys can give you some ideas- but be cautious in taking her recommendations, dear sistren), and then get down on one knee. The other lady's at the bar are sure to cheer you along!
- Go buy some permanent glue or those screws that you'll never get out of the wall again, and tell your lady friend that you want this to last forever. Then go pick out some lovey-dovey paint colors and new curtains so that your love can be visualized.
- Go find one of those kitties whose meow sounds like "I love you" and you're golden! What a great way to tell your lady friend that you want to make an honest kitty-mommy out of her?
Recent Occurrences
Per the suggestion of Indigo Labrys- she's probably the only one out of our 2 readers who will find this amusing. (click on the pictures for easier viewing)
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Book Dedications
Sistren, one day Indigo Labrys and I will write many wonderful lesbian novels. As we've read so many between us, we are highly qualified. In anticipation of this, we've decided to start practicing our book dedications. While we'll never reach the genius that is Radcylffe, we can try to live up to her example.
To our lady friends:
To our lady friends:
- the only stone I want to click with
- the cherry to my sundae
- the Jane to my Austen
- the only sugar I need in my tea
- for showing me true love does last forever, in this life and the next
- my soultwin and lifemate
- when you die, I want to snort your ashes like cocaine, so we never have to be alone again
- with eternal gratitude for the gift of your catdance
- thx for all the handballing
- the only one who turns my screw
- my wife, my mother, my baby girl, my sister - my everything
- So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish Tacos
- the only one who can Moby my Dick
- my personal Fingersmith
- I want to ride you into the sunset
- Mommy's perfect angel
- my spirit companion
- my favorite fuzzy friend
- my animal soul-bond
- my furchild
Saturday, April 21, 2012
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