Keeping You a Secret: What Not to Spill on Your First Date

Dating is hard. Ladies are hot. When confronted with the hotness of other ladies, you may be overwhelmed by your feelings because you want to touch bodies. Or souls. This may lead you to say and do things that you don’t really mean. Or say and do things that you shouldn’t. You may be out of the closet, but some skeletons need to stay in the closet, at least until the second date.

“But Indigo Labrys!” you may say. “What specifically do I need to avoid saying in order to have sexytimes slash forge a soulbond with another woman?” Don’t worry, my delicate flowers. I am here to help you.

Let’s start with the basics: don’t lie. When your lovely and lithesome lesbian ladyfriend mentions that she really enjoys embroidering cat-themed wall-hangings, don’t pretend to be interested in cats, embroidery, or walls – unless you really are. It never works out. Once you take her home to make sweet passionate love, she will notice the absence of cat-themed wall-hangings and it will create a huge, cat-shaped hole in her heart, and she will never have sex with you, ever.

Does this mean you should tell the truth?

NO!!!!!!!

You should never tell the truth on a first date. You may think, while you’re exchanging soulful glances over coffee, that she seems really genuine, and like, just really real and emotionally honest, you know? Why should you lie to her? You shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it just be better if you were forthright about everything? I mean, you’d want to know about how amazing the sex with her last girlfriend was, right? Oh, wait. No, you wouldn’t.

You should avoid the following subjects on a first date:

… your ex (and how special she was to you, and how you’re still friends, but don’t worry, you’re totally over her).

… your plans for marriage. This is coffee, not a commitment ceremony, for God’s / Amy Ray’s sake.

… your years of electroshock therapy and how sometimes you hallucinate about people who aren’t really there and also you have terrible insomnia which is why sometimes you have conversations with the toaster and see strange glowing lights shooting out of your fingertips. (This has happened. It should NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN).

… moving-in together. (Save this for the 365^th date. It’ll be really special and magical, I promise).

… anything you talk about with your therapist. (Except the weather. That’s ok).

… how lonely you are and how awesome it is to meet someone who really gets you. (You really get me, right?)

… your past lives. (I think I know you from somewhere, don’t I?)

… her past lives. (And how you’re meant to be together!!1!! No really, just don’t).

… how your cats really need a second mommy. (Actually, avoid the word “mommy” altogether. It’s an unsexy word).

… weird things that happened in your childhood that make you seem like a psychopath. (For example: I painted watercolors of the Hindenberg exploding! And drew pictures of various hostage situations! And made 3-D art of flies sucking on people’s blood, emphasis on the blood! And told everyone at my tenth birthday party how much it sucked to die from the bubonic plague! I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS. And maybe I will. But guess when I wouldn’t do that? ON A FIRST DATE).

… the third season of the L Word. You will both cry, and it will not be sexy.

… felonies you have committed. (And I know it seems like an obvious segue from talking about the L Word, but I promise it isn’t).

… and because it needs to be said again: women who done wronged you. I can only think of a *handful* of first dates where this hasn’t come up, and this is a shame, because there are plenty of fun things to talk about, like kittens and rainbows and ice cream and vegan recipes and how much you both like other ladies.

In short: secret feelings should be kept a SECRET. You can share them while you're processing later and healing each other's secret pain will only bring you closer together, like lesbian magnets.