Academic Analogies for Dating (Academics still suck at dating)

Sistren friends, Indigo Labrys and I are on another "work" date (i.e., gossiping and pretending to do work) and are still concerned about our single academic buddies who are struggling in their search for their one true love. Thus, we felt another post on dating was necessary. All good academics like to have several studies backing up a claim in their literature review, so we're here to help you.

We are not claiming to be super smooth with ladies (we have a lot of bad/awkward dating stories between the two of us), but we feel our bad experiences can help you get a date/ get laid. To our dear friends- you know who you are- please try to follow our advice. We just want the best for you/ are tired of hearing you whine. That may be more me, Indigo Labrys is much nicer than me and would never accuse her friends of whining.

So, we thought we would continue to try to speak in academic language so that the advice is heard by the intended audience. Below, please find some analogies we think will help you on your dating escapades. A warning: this post is long, but as a grad student you are used to reading long articles, so we have faith in your abilities to finish this post.

Have a clear thesis
Friends, just as you need a clear thesis in any paper you write, you need to be clear when stating your intentions. We  have written about this before, so feel free to consult our prior post on giving clear signals. So to restate our thesis, we suggest that when you want to go on a date with someone/ hang out with them because you think in the future maybe you'll be interested in dating once you get to know them better/ you think you may want to invite them to your bedroom, you should be clear with your intentions.

Clear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to go out on a date with you/ I'd like to go on a date with you in my bedroom.
• (The key words in the above are on a date- the person will be flattered! Directness is sexy!)

Unclear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to get together to work on our respective academic projects together. (When you really want this to be a romantic study date that leads to a study of each others' bodies)
• I'd like to hang out, but totally just as friends. (When actually, you want to sleep with them. And not as friends)
• Do you want to get coffee/ get lunch/ have you acknowledged Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? (Unless any of these are your sole intentions in social interactions, don't use them as pickup lines.)

Remember to always be consistent. Do all of your actions support your thesis? Did you just see the lady of your dreams but were too nervous to talk to her and now she thinks you hate her? It's ok- send her a message. Do you need to revise your original thesis? Did you think you just wanted a date, but now want a date in the bedroom? Inform him/her/hir of your change of heart/loins. Are you not that into her after a date? Thank her for coming out, wish her the best, and don't invite her out again. That is polite and clear without being rude. 

Peer Review

Sometimes you want to consult your friends about your new or potential new love interest. This is totally fine, and most friends (especially us- bring to us your dating stories friends!) will love to rehash every thing that happened on your date. They will also be happy to ponder with you about if your interest may be interested in you too. However, like academic peer review, you have to pick and choose which pieces of advice will work for you. You can do it- you're smart and capable! So if one friends says OMG you should ask her to the Chris Pureka concert, and another says no you should take her somewhere more intimate, just follow your instincts. You're the one that knows her best. (Indigo Labrys: If the question is Chris Pureka, the answer is always "Fuck yes.")

Choose your conferences wisely

In academia land, it can be overwhelming to choose which conferences to go to in your field. You have to think about location, who will be there, what people you can schmooze with for potential jobs upon graduation, which has parties with open bar, etc. The same is true for dating. If you're single, choose social situations with people you truly like doing activities you love. For example, don't just show up to a stitch and bitch session because you heard hot ladies were there if you hate knitting or yarn. Go to the things you like, find a crowd of people who you have things in common with and want to hang out with. If you stay with this crowd consistently,  you just may find your future leading lady. And just like at conferences, while the star academic may not give you the time of day, there will be others there who are awesome. And they can introduce you to other people, which at a conference can lead to writing buddies/jobs, and in your love life can lead to potential life mates. 

Blind Submission (No, not that kind of submission- unless that's what you're into.)

When submitting your work for publication or presentation, you often don't know who will be reviewing it. Because of this, you make sure that your points are clear, any jargon specific to your niche sub-field occupied by 3 other scholars is explained, your grammar is correct, and your citations are flawless. This attitude is what you need if one of your pals sets you up on a blind date/ you have an internet date. Be your best self- don't wear a non-date sweater, don't try to impress your date with jargon (it just makes you seem desperate), and don't go too crazy on the alcohol. Be cool, and just like at a conference, don't stress so much over your presentation that you can't enjoy listening/watching others' presentations. Don't let your nerves distract you from the (hopefully) awesome person in front of you.

Don't over think it

You know when your adviser is telling you to turn in a draft of something, and instead of doing it right away you start analyzing every word until you make yourself crazy? Would "cognitive" or "epistemological dissonance" describe your point more accurately? Will your adviser even read this paper at all? 

Dating can be like that too. While we are huge fans of close reading, and advocate using those skills to analyze texts/emails/conversations, you have to know when enough is enough. Is there a special person you find attractive? Do you think they may like you/ not be repulsed if you ask them out? Yes? Go for it! Because while a relationship is never simple, asking someone out should be.

You should also not over think your first date. Go with the expectation that you'll have a fun evening, nothing more. Don't expect to order the u-haul. As one of my wise friends once said when I was having a moment of over thinking after a date, all you should be asking yourself after a first date is do you want to see this person again? If so, great, do it! If not, great, don't do it! 

Theory to Practice

There are times in an academic life when a theoretical framework is necessary. Sometimes you may be expected to state your theoretical framework up front. But other times it's important to be open minded to theories you haven't considered before. Think of dating in the more exploratory realm. Just as you shouldn't disregard someone's work just because they don't use exactly the same scholarship as you, you shouldn't rule out a potential date who doesn't have all the same interests as you. So don't have too many preconceived notions of how your future wifey should be. Expecting them to be kind, loyal, fun to be with, great, all normal expectations. Expecting them to love the same board games as you and to have 3 kittens who will love you immediately, however, is just not going to work.

And for the goddess' sake, you have to actually be willing to put your theory into practice. Meaning, you have to actually DO something. Think of it as embodied practice, if you will. Just like that conference proposal won't write itself and that job won't fall into your lap without talking or writing to someone, so will your lady friend not come to you without putting in at least some minimal effort. As much as you try, you will never be Shane. So go talk to you lady and ask her out.

Your life is more than your dissertation

It is easy for us academics to hole up in our writing caves of choice and only appear on occasion to predict the coming of spring/ buy more highlighters/ bathe on occasion. If you are similarly committed to finding a dating partner, you  may be similarly single-minded. Sadly, this will not help in your quest! (Not that I know from personal experience, or anything.) Ladies can smell desperation, and will run in the opposite direction if the sense it in you. To prevent yourself from getting to that points remember your other friends and interests. Just as you have work out/ happy hour/ craft times scheduled with your school pals to keep each other sane during academic crunch time, it's important to do this while hunting for your lady prey. 

You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Gosh Darn It, People Like You

At some point in your academic career, you have to trust that your work speaks for itself. You don't need constant affirmation from your adviser(s)/ school pals/ random people at parties you force to listen to your elevator speech. You're awesome. Ladies will think you're awesome too. Don't worry about proving yourself- your actions will do it for you.

Friends, we wish you luck in love. If you have any other analogies/ questions/ comments, please feel free to let us know. There are few things I love more than blogging about queer ladies when I should be writing/ working one of my gazillion jobs to pay the bills/ crying over my bank balance. 

Buck Up or Shut Up (Or, Why Academics Suck at Getting Laid)

Greetings, my sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; fear not, my feelings remain as plentiful and prone to over-sharing as ever!

Today, the Librarian’s Lesbian Lover and I got together this morning to work on our respective academic projects; however, we soon realized that my work, at least, needed to be put on hold in order to give some timely advice to our friends.

Two of our fair sistren are experiencing relationship woes and have (wisely or not) asked Not Allured and I for advice. (I’m just being modest. You should definitely ask us for advice. You should ALSO expect us to blog about it.)

Anyway. So here are their respective quandaries in a nutshell (forgive me; patriarchy is everywhere, sistren): how do we ask someone out? Their situations are very different; one, “Xena,” is single and ready to mingle but doesn’t know other available lesbians; the other, “Not Gay Clara,” has her eye on a new man-friend, but is worried about ruining a potential friendship by asking him out.

To both of these women, we say: WOMAN UP, SISTREN, AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS. (And then you can put your mouth everywhere! Eheheh.)

When Not Allured and I communicated this to our sistren, one of them began bemoaning the difficulty of relationships. Which is a perfectly acceptable thing to have feels about. (Come here and let me validate you.) However, we would like to make one thing VERY CLEAR: good relationships of any kind are not simple and easy.

But why not, Indigo Labrys? So many wonderful things are simple and easy! And this is true, my sistren!

Here is a list of things that should be simple and easy:

• A good recipe for chocolate-chip cookies
• Making jokes about your mom
• Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
• Buttering your toast
• Petting your cat(s) (but be prepared for the bite!)
• Wearing cat shirts
• Getting a labrys tattoo
• Tasting the rainbow
• Boiling water
• Recognizing how hot Chris Pureka is (MARRY US CHRIS. We have healthy ideas about what a good relationship looks like, and we suspect you may need some help in this area, because FUCK, "Burning Bridges" is a sad song, yo)
• Making fun of the GOP
• Righteous anger at anti-abortion legislation
• Walking your dog
• Brushing your teeth
• Singing along to “Closer to Fine” in the car with your sistren

And this is just the beginning. However, do you know what will never appear on this list?
RELATIONSHIPS.

It’s sad! I know that I, like many of my sistren, have dreamed of the day when I would lock eyes with another lady while playing pool at the local lesbian bar and then I would check out her boobs and notice that her shirt was covered in cat hair and then I’d raise my eyes to hers again and see them filled with (a) her soul and (b) my soul and (c) tears of joy. And without speaking a single word, we’d walk across the room to each other and join hands – and hearts! And then we’d have an anti-wedding because we think marriage is inherently oppressive and creepy (a topic for another day, sistren) and raise a family of cats together, and spend our spare time making muffins, and bad jokes, and sweet sweet love but also frolicking in fields with woodland creatures and, like, unicorns.

And we would play the Indigo Girls all the time and we would never be sad.

But even though this vision of a relationship is as shining and beautiful as Taylor Swift’s hair, it cannot actually exist in the real world (possibly also like my girl Taylor’s hair).

Because interacting with another human being – whether it is your BFFL, your mother, your lesbian lover, your fuck-buddy, your archnemesis, or your cat – is inherently complicated. You are engaging with an embodied consciousness that is entirely different from your own, and expecting that to be either simple or easy is both cray-cray and kinda boring. You are dealing with another human being and because that human being is not you, you’re going to have some issues. While we are not advocates of relationships that are constantly difficult (I could never forge a soulbond with an Ayn Rand fan, for example), Not Allured and I firmly believe that a good relationship should be challenging.

And it will be challenging from the beginning because this is how it goes, sistren. Sometimes you need to ask that hot slice from the gym out, and that’s going to involve a certain amount of risk and uncertainty and maybe it will be difficult BUT HEY, maybe you’ll also get laid.