Apologies for being neglectful- but look who we just met!

Indigo Labrys and I were just at an amazingly bookish conference together, and we got to meet the one and only Ann M. Martin! We were so excited! And just so you know, Indigo has another Taylor Swift post in her head, that she will get on the blog when she gets a chance for a dissertating break. (Hint, Hint, IL)

Ten Mindblowing Positions That Cosmo Left Out!

Ahem.

Happy end of summer, lesbian sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; I have been busy thinking about writing my dissertation (and also occasionally writing my dissertation). However, because I wish to maintain my friendship with Not Allured, and because I received an infusion of gayness this past week in the form of the North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I feel the spirit of all queer ladies everywhere moving within me. Giggity.

Perhaps you remember seeing this post on lesbian sex positions when it appeared on Cosmo's website about a month ago? If you remember it - and if you don't remember it, please go check it out if/when you need a good laugh - you will recall that it was fucking ridiculous and that these positions were particularly notable for their overuse of high heels (and nothing else!!1!) as well as using different names to refer to ... mmm, basically the same thing. (Position: Rub your clit somewhere. Titles: The Sexy Spider The Passionate Pole-dancer ... I'm not making these up, people!)

Anyway. Not Allured obviously IMMEDIATELY posted this to my wall. We were both disturbed by how femme all of the illustrations were (not all lesbians wear high heels all the time, yo) as well as by how unwieldy and unsatisfying some of the positions seemed. Not to be a buzzkill (and if this is your thing, get down with your bad self), but I don't see how Defying Gravity could be fun when all the blood is rushing to your head (and not to your nether regions). But I am very clumsy, so who knows?

Also also, we laughed hysterically at the claim that scissoring is the classic lesbian position. When everyone knows that processing is the classic lesbian position. Not.

So Not Allured and I came up with our own suggestions.

Here are TEN MIND-BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS (tested by ACTUAL LESBIANS or in my case by a queer lady)

1. "Locking the Cats Outside the Bedroom"

In this sexy, underused position, you'll want to grab your cats carefully and gently drop them outside the bedroom door. You and your partner will then want to begin making passionate love as loudly as possible to drown out their cries and the sound of them clawing at your bedroom door. It's not an easy position, but it'll turn your partner into a WILDCAT.







2. "Well-of-No-More-Loneliness"

In this position, you'll want to GET DIRTY while you GET CLEAN. Replace the two rubber ducks with fornicating human bodies (because I can't draw humans or ducks, really) and get it on while you're in the bathtub.










3. "The Hillary Clit-ton"

In this topical position, interrupt your partner's love-making to discuss Hillary Clinton's presidential run in 2016. Talk about what it really means to have a woman on top, and then put it into practice. Your partner will thank you 2016 times over.








4. "Desert Hearts"

For this position, keep your AC off to heat things up in the bedroom. She'll never desert your heart.












5. "The Fast-Pitch"

Quickie sex before an Indigo Girls concert. (You may or may not want to initiate by asking her to "multiply life by the power of two." Remember to check in with your partner and help her get closer to fine.)






6. "Hungry Thighs"

Dance like nobody's watching.
Dance like Baby and Penny in "Dirty Dancing."

Remember that God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.










7. "Sock It To Me"

While Cosmo's sex tips involve keeping your heels on at all times, this position is for queers with poor circulation.

Also, if you keep your socks on, you will SAVE THE DAY by not scratching your partner with your toenails or something.













8. "Curious Wine"

When you and your partner stare deep into each other's eyes without actually touching, as in "Curious Wine." (Then start touching, but make sure you are keeping your soulbond intact.)

9. "The Chakram"

You'll want to bring in some Xena-style acrobatics for this one. Because the Cosmo tips were so focused on grinding, for this position, you'll want to do backflips. And then start grinding. Because according to Cosmo, this is all lesbians do. (I swear to Amy Ray, at least half of them involved rubbing your clit on something.)

10. "Let It Burn"

Make like Usher and LET IT BURN. This is to say, burn your copy of Cosmo, and then do whatever the fuck you want with your partner!

Happy mother's day, to all the lady-loving cat mommies out there! We salute you!

Love,
Not Allured and Indigo Labrys

Dating a PhD Schooler: Survival Tips

Hello sistren! Sorry we have been so neglectful. Because PhD school keeps us both from blogging as much as we should, I thought I would procrastinate from my own PhD work this morning to bring you another blog post. And to keep it kind of on topic with the work I should be doing, we bring you a survival guide for dating a lady in PhD school. If you have your own tips, please leave them in the comments.

Ok, so congratulations, you've met a super smart/insane lady who's in PhD school! PhD school is awesome! But dating a lady who's in PhD school can create some unique challenges for a relationship (just ask The Librarian), and we are here to help! Follow our advice and you may be on your way to domestically merged bliss with your favorite nerd.

Tip 1: Don't take her study snacks
When writing PhD things, special juju is required. Writing pants (this is a real thing- one of my professors told us so), your desk and chair at just the right angle, and writing snacks. If your lady friend has designated something as a writing snack, don't try to eat them/ask her to share. It will end badly. Even one- asking for one is still too many.

Tip 2: If she picks a fight over something stupid, she's probably stressed
Or maybe this is just me? Several times, mostly at night, when my brain was trying to wind down, I would decide to pick a fight over something dumb like laundry. If your lady friend is doing this, ask her (at a time when she won't explode at you) if she's just stressed out from PhD school. The answer is probably yes- and if this pattern can be figured out by your PhD school lady, she can do something to alleviate this stress in more productive/ less annoying ways.

Tip 3: Expect to hear a lot of talk about things/people you don't care about
This one came directly from The Librarian (and I would like to maintain that she SHOULD care about my incessant prattling about my theoretical frameworks/ scholar crushes/ classmates/ professors). But seriously- like most people who have an all-consuming job/career/study something, your lady friend will probably talk about her school stuff ALL the time. All the time. So do your best to nod and ask interested questions, and expect a quiz later (what do you MEAN you don't know who Betty Brainy is? I told you about her yesterday when I was relating in painful detail all the people I met at the conference!!). You've been warned.

Tip 4: Don't get upset if she can't go to the Amy Ray concert with you
Your PhD lady will likely not be able to go to all the fun things you want to share with her because:
1) Grad students are poor. Really, really poor. This will especially come up if you ask her to do something at the end of the month/right before pay day. Or after she's gotten back from a conference and spent all her funds on traveling. Save the really nice things for early in the month when that stipend is fresh in her bank account! Plan to cook dinner instead of going out, and generally do things that are not going to cost a lot of money (and realize her "a lot" may be different from yours).
2) She is busy. Really, really busy. You may wonder how someone who only has a part time job (this is what she means when she refers to her assistantship) can be so busy. They key to remember is a PhD student is never, ever off work. We work all the time, and when we're not, we feel guilty about not working. It's a sickness. And while sometimes we should stop working (see the next tip), a lot of the time this is hard if not impossible. So if she refuses your invitation, but asks to hang out another time or seems genuinely regretful, she may really be saying she can't go- don't think she's not that into you (unless other signs point in this direction). It may also help to find out when is  her best work time (trust me, she'll know), and try not to ask to hang out during those times. I have been known to refuse to do something fun with The Librarian if it's in the morning, which is when I write best.

Tip 5: Get her to take a break now and then.
Now, while she will be working A LOT try to get her to take a break sometimes. But, be sure you ask her if 1) whatever she's working on is due tomorrow/in a few hours, 2) if she is on schedule with whatever she's working on. If the answers are no and yes, put a glass of wine in her hand, dangle her hiking shoes in front of her face, whatever floats your boat. She'll thank you later, and be more productive after a brain rest/ spending time with her special lady. And this may help her remember that it takes two to have a relationship/dating fun time and she should come out from her study cave and hang out with you.

Tip 6: Celebrate her successes and milestones together. 
PhD school is hard! It makes the successes along the way all the more meaningful. So did your lady friend get a publication, pass her comps, her proposal, finish her coursework, get a presentation in the big conference? That's a cause for celebration, in whatever way y'all like best. (The Librarian recommends keeping your bar stocked for cocktails- this works for Tip 5 too). While she will also want to celebrate these with her Phd School friends*, she'll want to celebrate them with you too, especially if you've followed the other tips and been an awesomely supportive lady friend during these times of trial. Besides, who doesn't love multiple celebrations? She may even thank you in her dissertation acknowledgement section, and hasn't everyone dreamed of that?

*Note: Sometimes she may want to celebrate just with her PhD school buddies, and this is OK. Remember, if you have read our other posts, you should still have other friends who you also hang out with without her. And while separation is hard, it can make the heart grow fonder!
From The Librarian: "Don't let them think I am a clingbot!" [She isn't sistren! She is really great at not being clingy and never caring when I go hang out with friends solo]. "This is a really intense experience, and she is going to bond with her classmates."

And there you have it folks, good luck navigating the PhD school journey from the Sig-O perspective. You may wish to find others in this situation so you can bond/ share war stories/ emote about how sick you are of hearing about school. Other friends are great!

Reminiscing....

We have been busy PhD-studenting lately and haven't updated in awhile, but we hope this amazingness will tide you over. You're welcome.

Powers of Seduction: Film Edition

Sistren, we have often discussed the lovely ways of seducing your potential lady friend gleaned from our extensive research into lesbian romance novels. In lesbian romance novels, a surefire way to seal the deal with a potential love interest includes things as varied as: attending wine tastings, dancing sexy-like at a club, and stealing children together. (If we steal this child, it's like we're already a family, girl.)

But a few days ago Indigo Labrys (hello!) and I were watching an amazing Lifetime movie called "Sex and Mrs. X" and thought, hey, there are some great lessons in here our sistren should learn about! (Confession - I LOVE Lifetime movies. Indigo Labrys knows this and got me a compilation DVD for Sistren Solstice, like a true Bosom Friend. IL: But not in a gay way like Anne and Diana, who are totally gay for each other.)

Because it's almost February 14, we want to help our sistren find the perfect way to show your lady that you love her. If you have more ideas for us, let us know! We (or I at least, to The Librarian's chagrin) will probably try it out!

1. Touch her nose with your hand. This worked for the alien ladies in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same; it was the way they showed affection. I tried it on The Librarian in the car the next day (she had not seen the movie), and she was taken aback, batted my arm away, and claimed I was cutting off her flow of oxygen. I think that she was just overcome with emotion. 
   
2. Spit beer into her mouth. Indigo Labrys and some pals watched Robin's Hood and learned this sexy trick. Apparently feeding each other like you are a boozy mommy bird and an equally boozy baby bird will induce amorous feelings. I haven't tried it with The Librarian as she values hygiene. Sadly, you cannot see them doing this in the trailer, but you can see that poor bottle of beer BEFORE it is subjected to this terrifying intimacy. 
3. Pretend you are her "daddy" and she is your child. In the most horrifying film OF ALL TIME Mango Kiss, the main couple has a stagnant dating life. Mostly because they don't actually both want to be together. Then, they see a father and daughter building a sandcastle on the beach, and suddenly, one of them realizes exactly what she wants out of her romantic relationship ... for another woman to pretend to be her pirate daddy. Please go to about 1:15 to hear the horrifying declaration, "You will always be my daddy," and its response, "I will always be your captain." Just saying, this movie makes (1) BDSM (2) being poly (3) being a lesbian (4) wearing neat hats seem distinctly unfun and also pretty creepy. I am sad that this was at one point apparently voted Best Women's Feature at the NCGLFF.
4. Make a murder pact. In Breaking the Girls, the crazy-er chick sexily promises to kill someone for her new lady friend. The other was really going to double cross her in the end, but whatever, SO ROMANTIC! If we kill someone together, that means we're really in love, right? NO. IT MEANS YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL TOGETHER.
   
5. When tasting wine at a restaurant, dip your fingers into your glass and rub them on your lady's mouth. Hot right? That's what we learned from Sex and Mrs. X. According to the madam/etiquette teacher, it will drive your man wild! She's French, so she would know, and we assume it will work for ladies too. After we watched this scene, Indigo Labrys dipped her fingers in her water glass and rubbed it on her own mouth. She found this to be drippy and unsatisfying. But if you do it with wine and rub someone else's mouth, I'm sure it will work!
6. Clip each other's fingernails ... erotically! I personally CANNOT BELIEVE my sistren forgot to list her most favorite filmic seduction of all - Go Fish. Who among us has not wanted to personally trim the nails of a prospective lover? And then keep the nail clippings along with locks of her hair? I surely cannot be alone in this. Anyway, Not Allured hates this, but who knows, your woman might just be into it... after all, the first cut IS the deepest. Giggity.

What sexy tips have you learned from movies? Have they worked?

**This post was inspired in part by Anna Pulley's hilarious commentary on trying Cosmo's craziest sex tips. Go read it if you haven't already!**