How do I live without you? I want to know

Sistren, I am currently working a job where I am away from The Librarian. It is almost finished, but when I return we will have been living apart for an entire MONTH! Which in lesbian time, is equivalent to 1.2 years.

As you can imagine, this is a great hardship. The lonely nights in my sad single bed (sad mostly because it is a sub-par dorm mattress), missing evenings cooking together while I eat my sad food (the scale goes from "edible" to "only makes you feel slightly nauseous" to "don't touch it if you value your life"), and mornings where I don't have to share the bathroom (actually, not worrying about using all the hot water is awesome!).

So how do I cope with this time of trial? What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Well, sistren, you can look at our previous post on surviving separate holiday travel, as many of the same tips apply. If in your state of extreme anguish you can't manage that task, I have some more words of wisdom for you.

1) Skype and video calling are your friends! Thanks to technology, you can stare soulfully into each others eyes from across the distance. No matter how many miles lay between you and your life mate, the soul connection you share is always as close as your heartbeat.

2) As mentioned previously, send her constant text messages! Since you won't see her in the evening to tell her every minute detail of your day, make sure she gets this information in some form. Did your coworker tell a funny joke that you kinda had to be there to get but because you share everything with your soul twin you know she'll find it hilarious too? Did you think of her when you brushed your teeth and realized her toothbrush wasn't there? Did you have a sandwich that was a poor substitute for the one she would have lovingly placed in your personalized lunch bag? Tell her these things at once, and it'll be like she's sharing the experience!

3) Talk about your love muffin constantly with your new friends and coworkers! Because nothing brings a group together like pining over loved ones. It's easy to bring up your lady friend in conversation- just bring her up anytime something reminds you of her, which is probably ALL the time. "Oh, you forgot your key this morning? Once my lady friend did too, and I had to meet her at work to give them to her! Aren't girlfriends the best?" If they look at you strangely for always bringing her up, just know that they're contemplating the deep feelings you have towards your sig-l.

4) Have a picture of your lady friend beside your bed/ printed onto a pillowcase/ embroidered on a T-shirt/ etc., so you can be close to her during the nights of flying solo. What better way to express your love than with a physical manifestation? I can't think of one, can you?

5) Obviously your lady friend is calling/texting/emailing you daily or even hourly, but is that really enough? Get your mutual friends to send you updates too! If you know she's going to dinner with someone, ask them what you talked about/ what she was wearing/ if she looked like she had been crying from missing you so much/ etc. This is what friends are for, to help you through these trying times.

I hope these tips will serve you well, sistren. If all else fails, just read lesbian romance novels. If you're feeling especially disheartened, just cross out the protagonists' names and write in those of you and your honey. Indigo Labrys and I can recommend some if you're in need.

And remember, though nothing will ever get between you and your soul bond, better safe than sorry.

Face Off

Hello, lesbians.

Let's talk about internet dating.

Since I moved to North Cackalacky, I have been an internet dating machine - not only because I am a skankypants and a massive procrastinator, but because it has by far been the most effective way for me to make friends in the area with as little effort as possible. Never before has it been this easy for me - and you, and lesbians everywhere - to locate potential gal pals and then vet them without investing precious time and energy or losing your dignity. Never again will you pick up a cute lady at the bar to find out she doesn't read and is as dumb as a bag of hair. (True story). 

However! This does not mean that internet dating is without its dangers. Perils abound! People lie all the time and try to play to your expectations (it's like a job interview ... for your bed). How can you combat their tricksy lies and schemes? There is a way out: be a good reader of internet dating profiles. Treat each profile like it's a poetry assignment from your 10th grade English teacher and close read that shit.

Thanks to my time procrastinating at OKC (and match.com, and tangowire, and plentyoffish, and planetout), here are some things to watch out for:

(1) Let's start at the beginning: profile pictures. I have included an illustrated guide to what NOT to do in your profile picture. Do not: include photos that don't actually look like you. While I know that you (like me) are probably a beautiful iridescent butterfly whose charms are much more apparent while you're flitting around effortlessly in life and thus cannot be captured by a camera, some photos will look more like you than others. Choose these photos. Do not select photos from your short-lived career as a teen model, from your infancy, or from (if you are me) that time that you used to wear a lot of tie-dye. Not only will you be harder to find should you meet up, but you might really be disappointing any dates who are tie-dye aficionados, a style from which you have since moved on.

You should also choose pictures in which you are visible: even if you love your cat, try to avoid pictures in which your entire face is obscured by your cat / dog / fishbowl; additionally, and this seems to be especially problematic for lesbians, DON'T choose that picture of you doing something outdoors with a bunch of trees. Not only are you wearing sunglasses and a helmet and a bodysuit, you're cycling so fast you're slightly blurry. Goddammit.

(2) Be wary of the following: anyone who says they don't like drama, anyone who says that they do like drama, anyone who says that they're over their ex and ready to move on. (Respectively, these can be translated as, "I am a magnet for drama but lack the self-awareness to know / fix this," "I'm fucking insane, and "If I were over my ex, I probably wouldn't need to state this.")

(3) This is more of a personal pet peeve, but anyone whose favorite books are all books that they read in high school. Because this means that the last book that you read was in high school. (e.g. "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Nine Coaches Waiting," "Macbeth," "The Scarlet Letter," and "The Pearl" - omg, did you go to my high school?! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!)

(4) Be wary of: these two words! "Ayn Rand." Just close that window, now. (Unless you like Ayn Rand, in which case, why are you reading my website? Don't you have a busy schedule of complaining about how you're being oppressed by the needs of others?)

(5) Be wary of: anyone who doesn't "believe" in either evolution or dinosaurs. (It's a belief, y'all). Anyone who thinks either interracial marriage or homosexuality is wrong. (Also an okc question, wtf). (AND I HAVE BEEN MESSAGED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE ALL THESE THINGS).

(6) Be wary of: anyone who describes their love for cats as "intense." (I just saw this on an okc profile and it's beautiful but mostly terrifying).

Anything I'm missing? I'd like to close with this picture of me, which I have never used on an internet dating profile, ever.

Aaaand, you're welcome. PS - Thanks to "Not Allured" and Danae for the blog fodder.