Late Bloomers: Lesbian Puberty

Some of my sistren have known they're gay from birth, or pretty close to it. They went through their formative years rolling their eyes (or pretending to care) when their straight friends went all boy crazy in elementary/middle school, all the while knowing that greener grass was just over the fence. Now sistren, I too rolled my eyes, but I had no idea that it was because I was a gay lady. I just thought I didn't care about boys; I didn't know I really liked girls. Ah well, we each have our own gay journey towards enlightenment.

I know what you're thinking- but Not Allured, you're SO GAY! Like SUPER gay! Yes sistren it is true, but until my early-mid 20's, I had not come to this self-realization yet, and even (gasp!) dated a few of the not-so-fairer sex. And these weren't horrifying experiences, I just came away from them with a feeling of "meh, I can skip that." (Much like the feeling I had looking at the non-date sweater, but thankfully that sweater had an awesome lady inside, which made up for its appearance).

For those of you who came out later in life, you probably went through lesbian puberty. You know, that time all your friends went through in junior high when they were giggling over boys and making you look at posters of Justin Taylor Thomas/Timberlake/Bieber, whichever the case may be, and obsessed over their crushes while you just tried to understand what all the fuss was about. Well, now that you've figured out that you're batting for the other team, you finally get it, and want to make an even bigger fuss about it. Yay fun times! I was discussing this with a straight friend recently, and she was horrified at Indigo Labrys's and my nonchalant discussion of this phenomenon. "But puberty sucks!" she proclaimed. "That sounds terrible!" We assured her that it was not so, for these reasons:

1. Your body has already changed! Your skin is clearer, your haircut is better, and your mom didn't pick out your outfit (hopefully). No worries here- you've already got it, and can flaunt it at will.
2. You may have already had some dating experience, so you have more of a clue of what you're doing (though hetero dating isn't exactly equivalent, you can use this formative experience to your advantage!)
3. You are older and wiser, and fingers crossed, can make slightly-less-awkward first date small talk (though who are we kidding, first date small talk is awkward by definition)
4. You FINALLY get what the big deal is, after hearing your non-sistren friends gush about cute boys for years. Now you can join in and gush about cute girls, which is way more fun.
5. You hopefully don't live at your parents' house, so it makes the potential for apres-date romance much higher, and classier! No making out in cars for you, newly out lesbian.
6. You get to experience butterflies in the stomach and all those goofy feelings, which are fun no matter how old you are.
7. You've done your homework and watched the L Word/ bad lesbian movies, and thus have had a distorted though possibly helpful preview of lez-sexy times
8. You know a thing or two about ladies, as you are one yourself. You may not understand them, but you are aware of this and have accepted it.
9. You're probably over 21 so can hop on over to a lady bar and grab a little liquid courage while checking out the hotties on the dance floor.
10. If your other friends are straight/ figured out they were gay before they finished teething, they can help you in your lady-lovin' quest and be a means of moral support. My friends were pretty awesome during this period of my life- thanks pals!

However sistren, don't get too carried away! Beware of these faux-pas:

1. Don't be too eager. The first (or several) ladies you meet may not be compatible with you, so don't try to force yourself on someone just because they're a lady-lovin' lady.
2. Don't jump for the first lady who'll have you, either. You're older and wiser, take your time choosing your new life companion.
3. Don't be a douche. You don't get to act like a teenager just because you're going through lesbian puberty. Don't date multiple people without telling them, don't get drunk and try to make out with your friend's girlfriend, don't wake up in someone else's bed and wonder how the heck you got there. Be cool.
4. Don't be dumb- safe sex is sexy. You don't have the excuse of youth and crappy sex-ed classes to make poor decisions, get yourself edumacated.
5. Don't be an ass. Review Indigo Labrys' tips for surviving a first date, and charm them with your suave self. 
6. Don't try to dress like Shane. Because you'll be spotted as a newbie immediately.
7. Don't try to be "the most lesbianest lesbian that was ever lesbian," and suddenly get all more-lesbian-than-thou, judging your bisexual/queer/straight/trans friends as not as cool as you
8. Don't try to force your other queer-but-don't-know-it friends (or really cute straight girls) out of the closet- each in their own time, sistren.
9. Don't immediately take up: softball, cat herding, poetry writing, drum circle playing, potluck attending, homo depot shopping, spoken word performing, interpretive dancing, etc., unless you actually enjoy these activities.
10. Don't feel like you have to rearrange your whole life just because you came out- you're still you! Unless you were previously a nun or fundamentalist, in which case complete change is probably necessary.

So if you feel like you're a little tardy to the party, don't stress. The lady train is always boarding.

Cats Don't Belong in the Bedroom

Don't get me wrong; I love my cats.

And there are many places cats belong: on your couch, on your bookshelves, in any crinkly bag, on top of your papers, in the last place you look, and in your heart.

But they do not belong in your bedroom.

I'm going to help you get a sense of your boundaries first by providing you with the following questions. Answer honestly, or you won't be able to learn and grow from this experience.

(1) How many times have you begun to look tenderly into your lover's eyes and smooth back the hair from her forehead as you lean in to kiss her ripe, luscious mouth, when all of the sudden, your cats show up for some untimely petting action?

(2) How many times have you felt a pair of eyes on you in the boudoir that did not belong to your woman?

(3) How many times have you been in the throes of ecstasy when, between your murmured endearments and cries of pleasure, you became aware of an approving purr emerging from your ever watchful cats?

(4) How many times have you felt the sharp claws of a she-beast slash kitten rake your bare back as you make sweet sweet love?

(5) Has your lovemaking ever been disturbed by a cat landing on your face?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe or it wasn't my face, you have a problem. And I am here to help you. As the proud guardian of two cats, I too have had to deal with the always sensitive issue of cats in the bedroom. Many lesbians are very attached to their cats, after all, and some people take it badly when you ask them if Fluffykins could maybe sit this one out or if they wouldn't mind moving the litterbox from the bedroom so you don't have to listen to cats shuffling around in there while you make sweet lesbian love.

These people are (obviously) wrong.

Why does this happen? Like many of our other posts, this problem occurs because of a lack of respect for boundaries. There is a time and a place for cats (most of the time, and everywhere but your bedroom, respectively). Respect these boundaries and you won't have to worry about any of getting your back clawed off when you go downtown, or hearing anything during sex except the slick beats of Melissa Ferrick's "Drive" (or when you lover accidentally calls out for Rachel Maddow).

Nothing is more of a turn-off in bed than realizing there's more than two people in this relationship - and some of them are cats.

Wanna go back to my place? Preparing your boudoir for a lady friend.

A few days ago, I was watching a terrible typical lesbian movie with Indigo Labrys, Amy Ray, The Librarian, and other sistren friends, and Indigo Labrys and I had another brainstorm. Early in the "film," the main character brings a lady back to her abode. First, she does an unfortunate "sexy" dance in front of her headlights after she pulls into her driveway (don't do that, sistren) and then brings her into her house and her bedroom. It was atrocious! Clothes all over the bed! Props on the bed! Not good!

When you bring a lady over to your home for the first time, be prepared. Even if you think you're just meeting for coffee, or you're just going out to the lady bar to play darts, it's always my motto to be prepared just in case. (I was a Girl Scout, you know). It doesn't have to be so clean you could eat off the floor, but you don't want it to look like something's been nesting in there either. Next time you think there's a chance that a lady could be joining you for the evening, consider these points:

1. Don't have any barriers on the bed. Don't go all Tegan and Sara and "build a wall of books between [you] in your bed," save that for after you've u-hauled and grown bored. Don't leave books, remnants of your midnight snack, or discarded clothes from when you were deciding what to wear (because I'm assuming you followed my advice and did not go out in your track pants).  Throwing your lady on it in fit of passion stops being sexy when she gets all bruised from the crap you forgot you left there.
2. Don't leave your "marriage aids" out. This doesn't mean you can't use them right away if the mood strikes the two of you, but leaving them on your nightstand makes you look too eager.
3. Don't have a bunch of super-coupley pictures of you and your ex ladyfriend sitting around your bedroom, especially if they are in heart shaped picture frames that say "Lovahs4Life" or something. Now if you're polyamorous, your new partner knows this, and the pics are of your current lady (or ladies) I suppose this is OK, though it still might kill the mood.
4. Make sure you can have private sexy times. If you live with roommates, be sure they're cool. It can be awkward to have a lady over and have to traipse past your housemates first and make small talk. Hopefully you have a separate room (dorm children, I feel for you) and door with a lock! And some music on so you can whisper sweet nothings without your housemates overhearing. 
5. Make sure the sheets are clean. I mean, I hope you'd know that, but you can never be sure.

Keep it classy ladies! Don't bring your future soul-mate or one-night stand to a pigsty. Rats' nests are not sexy, and no one wants to worry about getting a disease or an injury from laying on your bed. You want ladies to flock to you, not suddenly make excuses about having to wake up early/ write a paper/ re-alphabetize their lesbian movie collection as soon as they see where you are going to put on the moves.

You're not going to wear that, are you?

Ladies, I am no fashionista, but sometimes the wardrobe choices of my lesbo sistren distress me. When I first realized I was batting for the other team, I was living in Japan, where fashion is on a whole other plane of spiritual existence. This was the time where I went from wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time to wearing sequins and legwarmers (I'm mostly back to T-shirts and jeans again, in case you were wondering. But I do love my big dangly earrings.) When I got back to my 'Merikan homeland, I was bored with the way people dressed. Fleece jackets, jeans, and ponytails 24/7? Snore. (Some of you may guess what part of our fair nation I returned to based on this categorization alone! And you're probably right. Assuming someone other than our lady friends reads this....)

Anyway, I went to my first 'Merikan lady bar, all excited to be with  my kind and being able to converse with all in my native language, only to be horrified by what some chose to wear. Track pants? Sweats? We were out. At a club. Did this not mean a little effort was necessary? Imagine my distress when I got sneered at by a few girls, and "straight girl" was whispered, as if 1) that were an insult and 2) my girly-ish clothing and the fact that it had taken me 20 instead of 5 minutes to get ready banned me from the club. I was miffed, to say the least. (Don't worry sistren- later, I found another queer club in the same fair city that was lovely, and had people who dressed like they were going dancing, not to a softball game, and weren't so surly, and I was as happy as could be.)

All of a sudden I was being labeled as a "femme," when no one had every called me feminine in my life. I was the girl who did all the stereotypical girly after-school activities- piano lessons! ballet class! girl scouts! (does that one count?)- but was always seen as kind of a tom boy. This was probably because I got mad at anti-feminist behavior, and didn't giggle when a boy tried to flirt with me. But I'm getting off topic. Anyway, apparently in lesbian world, femme meant that you put in a small amount of effort to your appearance. I mean, I don't wear makeup, but I do use hair product, is that why I was femme? I like to wear dresses sometimes? I don't wear hoodies and a baseball cap to a bar? Unless it's my hat that says T.W.A.T. TEAM, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do. That one is a classic lesbian bar hat! Don't you agree?

So while I don't really get the whole butch/femme thing that some people still ascribe to, I do have strong feelings about what you should and should not wear when you go out with the specific purpose of meeting/impressing a lady friend. I seem to get this penchant for judging others' wardrobe choices from my father. For a man who will wear a T-shirt until it has holes all over it, and wears socks with sandals, he always has a lot to say about other peoples' fashion decisions. Therefore, this trait is genetic, and totally excusable.

Getting back to my tale, a few months ago my lady friend and I were having lunch with "Amy Ray," and reminiscing about our first date. I say that the first time we met in person was our first date, though my lady friend, we'll call her "The Librarian" (guess who named this blog?), claims that it was not a date as we were just  meeting for coffee, and maybe dinner if we decided we liked each other and weren't insane. We did, and we weren't, and one date later decided we "liked liked" each other, and the rest is history. Obviously, I argued that that first meeting was a date, as we had been sending semi-flirtatious messages back and forth, and were meeting for the intention of seeing if we wanted to date. The Librarian claimed that if we hadn't liked each other, it wouldn't be a date. I countered that yes it would have, it would have just been a bad date, as Indigo Labrys has chronicled so humorously.

The whole point of sharing our bickering conversation is that I also pointed out that she wore a non-date sweater, which should have been a no-no since it was our first date, and you should dress to impress. Now ladies, it was December and very cold, and I do love a good sweater. I had on one myself! But the one she wore was frumpy, very boxy and did nothing for her shape, and made my first visual impression one of "meh" instead of "who is that sexy lady I get to have coffee with now?" It looked like one of those Scandinavian style ones that are meant to be worn on the slopes.

I tried to find the exact sweater in question, but apparently it is packed away somewhere. As it should be.

Ladies. this "meh" is not the reaction you should be going for! Obviously I found her personality charming, but what if you are a shy lady whose personality can not shine through a frumpy outfit? What if you are on a date with someone who needs that physical attraction with the mental attraction right from the start? (Not that I used to be like that or anything, not me!)

I'm not saying you have to look like you stepped off the runway- that would be off putting to most too. Just put in some effort. A clean shirt, at least. (The Librarian just read this, and wanted me to assert that her sweater was not dirty on the date in question- she does believe in cleanliness, thank the Goddess). One that doesn't make you look like a disgruntled housewife. You don't have to look like you're trying too hard, but what could be more flattering on a first date (because no matter what The Librarian claims, that is what we were on!!) than a clear signal to your potential life-mate that you care enough about your first meeting to at least take a second glance in the mirror on your way out.

And, as Indigo Labrys mentioned, I also don't recommend wearing outfits that are all tie-dyed and would get you nominated for that show What Not to Wear. Seriously, she totally told me that she had an outfit like this in her younger days, and I totally  just saw someone with that on the show. Not that I'm not guilty of this- when I lived in Japan, I also couldn't really  buy pants there, so I had a pair of jeans that I wore WAY too long, to the point of having frayed patches in the crotch region. I wore this pair of jeans in public all the time! Yikes! But you know when I wouldn't have worn them? On a first date! Or any date!

So ladies, don't wear a non-date sweater to meet your lady friend. Step it up a notch.

Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do

So, just the other day, my co-blogger Allure asked when my ladyfriend (hereafter referred to as "Amy Ray") and I started flirting with each other. And while Allure and I had explored several conundrums that afternoon - is it a date or a friend-date? what does a date sweater look like? can I ever wear tie-dye pants again? can I wear them ironically? - none was more difficult than determining when my ladyfriend, "Amy Ray," and I began dancing the ancient dance of lesbian flirtation.

I knew when I had begun pulling her metaphorical pigtails. But, like so many lesbians, I had no idea if she was interested in me. The only reason I asked "Amy" out was because my sister, my ex-girlfriend, and my other friends, after months of being supportive of my lady-lovin' angst, finally told me to woman the fuck up and ask her out. So I did, and it worked, and now we have many cats together and a relationship built on love, trust, and constant processing.

Happy ending. But this got me thinking - why didn't I know that "Amy" was interested in playing Xena to my Gabrielle? Is it just that I'm spectacularly unobservant? Am I so awkward that I was totally blind to the signal fires of flirtation slash homoboning? Were there clues that I somehow missed or misread? (As an English major, I am obviously a great close reader, so it totally wasn't this last one, just FYI).

Lesbian super sleuths, you're on the case! Here is what happened during my courtship of "Amy Ray."

We were exchanging our favorite poems through email. Because I am a constant soldier, a sometimes poet, and an English major, I chose sexy poems about getting down. For example, I sent her John Donne's "The Sunne Rising" - a seductive little piece about the boudoir, kind of like Nelly's "Hot in Herre," only hundreds of years earlier. (If you use that in an essay or as a dissertation topic, please feel free to cite me).

However, in response, here is what I received: poems about being alone forever; poems about being alone and super sad after your lover dies slash leaves you alone forever. Worst of all, at some point, she sent me a poem and asked me to guess the title. Was it about touching bodies? No, no it was not. Was it about secret love? Nope. Was it about anything that I could over-read and pretend was about me and how much we wanted each other? No, it was not. IT WAS ABOUT THE INTERNET.

Our conversation looked a bit like this:

Indigo Labrys: OH HEY GIRL HERE'S A POEM ABOUT MAKING SWEET SWEET LADY LOVE.
"Amy Ray": Here's a poem about being lonely and liking it.
Indigo Labrys: OH HEY GIRL HERE'S A POEM ABOUT LEAVING SOMEONE CLUES AND WANTING TO MAKE OUT WITH THEIR FACE.
"Amy Ray": Here's a poem about sadness. Her lover is dead and she'll probably never be happy, ever again.
Indigo Labrys: HERE'S A POEM ABOUT THIS GIRL WHO LIKES THIS OTHER GIRL AND MAYBE THEY SHOULD GET TOGETHER AND MAKE THE PONY WITH TWO TAILS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
"Amy Ray": Ok, here's a poem. You have to guess the title?
Indigo Labrys: IS IT ABOUT US DOING EACH OTHER?
"Amy Ray": ... it's about the internet.

And yeah, maybe part of the problem is that I like poetry and can close-read it like a mofo. Maybe when I read "You're wondering if I'm lonely. OK then, yes, I'm lonely as a plane rides lonely and level on its radio beam," my automatic response should NOT have been, "Welp, this one obviously isn't interested, because if she were, she'd stop sending me poems about how much the speaker likes being alone."

But she could have at least sent me a poem about boobs or something.

How to know if you're in an accidental lesbian relationship

I have these friends who are living a total Boston marriage. We're talking hetero-life-partner style. Naturally, I'm always teasing them that they are the most lesbian couple I know- but it's not really teasing, cause they totally are. I even learned some tips from them. For example, did you know that the grocery store will take two forms of payment on one transaction, thereby enabling you to split the bill down the center? Comes in handy when you're buying dinner party supplies with your lady friend, and splitting the individual items is too tiresome. Though these friends pretty much split all their groceries, as they are just that merged. So for the not-quite-lesbo ladies out there, look at this checklist. If you and your platonic lady friend can fit many of these descriptions, you may be in an accidental lesbian relationship.

1. You live together (cohabitating is a lesbian must- you all know we love to U-haul)
2. You split the grocery bill
3. You cook all your meals together
4. One of you makes breakfast/lunch/dinner for the other one, and tries to make her eggs just the way she likes them, and remembers to put her coffee in her favorite mug, the one with the cats on it
5. You spend all your time together- and I mean all your time
6. When you go to a bar to try to pick up guys, you spend all your time talking to your lady friend instead, and may or may not have asked a dude you just met to quiz you on how well you know your lady, until he slowly backs away and leaves you two alone
7. You go on family vacations together
8. You call her grandma the same pet name she calls her
9. Her mom sends you birthday cards
10. Her mom calls/texts/emails you, sometimes to ask about your lady friend, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes to conspire against/for her
11. You send her cutesy messages on facebook- aka, movie clips of scenes that symbolize your feelings for each other, tell her you  miss her when you've been separated for a few hours, etc.
12. You have so many inside jokes, no one listening to your conversations can understand what you're talking about
13. You invite actual lesbian couples over for double dates
14. You go to the vet together, both asking questions, and so the vet naturally assumes that Fifi the poodle has two mommies
15. When people invite you somewhere, they assume your other half will be joining you
16. Based on your facebook pictures, your friends start asking if you have something you want to tell them, and we both know what that something is. Additionally, you don't really know what to answer, since it's almost true
17. On Friday nights when you don't go out, you cuddle on the couch to watch TV
18. You accept invitations for each other
19. You wear each others clothes so much you may as well have one closet
20. You have a lesbian plate (I'm not joking here- see photographic evidence)

So how'd you do? I'll tell ya, my lady friend and I get way less marks on the checklist than my platonic-life-partner friends. Maybe we need to step it up a notch to really assert our place as the dominant couple in this comparison.

****UPDATE**** the hetero life-mates have informed me that there are 20 other things that could be on this list that they didn't tell me about, for example, that they send text messages from each others phones. Who knows what other coupley behavior they engage in while still being a non-couple . . .

For item 20, view this evidence:

 This is a plate from the platonic life partners. What's even more awesome about it is that one of them made it for the other for her birthday. However, if we note the body language, the hands behind the back may indicate that the girls aren't quite ready to cement their fate by holding hands and dancing off into the distance. While the legs out indicate a certain carefree joie de vivre, those clenched hands are just dying to be free! And clearly represent their hesitation to take their platonic life partnership to the next level. Will these two crazy kids ever realize their fate? Or will they continue this charade to meet "dudes" while really only being interested in talking to each other? Only time will tell.

This is a plate my lady friend's mom made, and then liked too much to give to us. Now note in this one the ladies are actually touching, making it clear they are actual lady friends. Their body language suggests an easy companionship, and as they are standing shoulder to shoulder, that they are on equal ground. We also see that the blond figure (indicating me, though I'm not blond. She made this pre-first-meeting) is slightly in front, indicating that the blond is the leader. This is completely true, and I'm glad to have parental-out-law acknowledgement of this fact. This is also indicated by our making the checklist for item 10. Why yes I do have pictures to send to Grandma, and I do think we should put that dresser there so I have more room on my side of the bed, thanks for asking mom-out-of-law!

Keepin' it in the family: Lesbian Incest

Now sistren, we all know that our lesbo community can be small. Sometimes too small. Trying to avoid your ex? It's difficult when you run into her at the queer dance party/roller derby/ natural food store all the time. Want to go on a date with the hot new girl you spied at the lady book club? She's already dated your best friend's exes' ex. Yes my friends, we are talking about the sad inevitability of lesbian incest. 

Don't confuse this with the everyday use of the term- as lesbians, you know what I mean. Lesbian incest if the phenomena of every-girl-dating-every-other-girl-in-your-lesbo-peer-group, creating a complicated web of dating insanity. It's like that one episode of the L Word (please, don't pretend that you didn't watch it), but you don't have to be all anal-retentive about it and create an actual chart. Unless you are trying to track the love of your life and see how many of your exes/hook-ups she has had relations with, and then go on and chart away. Then you can see how much processing you'll have to do before you U-haul yourself to domestic-partnered bliss!

Anyway, how much connectedness is too much connectedness? I mean, my fellow blogger and I are totally connected through 1 degree of separation (but we totally don't count ourselves as this! It barely counts! I swear!!). But I think we've all been in situations where you  just want to tell your friends to go outside the circle already and find some new lady pools to dip in!

Take a look at this list. If 2 or more ring a bell, you may be guilty of the various subtle shades of lesbian incest:

1. You're besties with your ex(es)
2. All your friends are exes
3. You met your current lady friend through your ex girlfriend
4. Your lady friend is your roommate's ex, but she's totally over her so it's cool
5. When you meet a new potential lady friend, you slyly ask your friends if they knew her, in the Biblical sense
6. Your girlfriend's ex is now dating your ex, and the four of you have potlucks together regularly
7. You and your friends swap lady friends so much it's like that show Friends, but GAY!! I guess that would mean it's like the L Word, like when Shane started dating Jenny, so gross, amirite? But to keep myself sane I just pretend that season didn't happen.
8. Your girlfriend and you have a (or several) one-night-stand(s) in common
9. When I spoke of dating outside your circle of friends, you were confused and/or befuddled
10. Your current lady friend is also an ex lady friend

So ladies, while meeting special lady friends through other friends is a good thing, sometimes you need to make new lady friends, you know, just to keep things interesting and the gene pool viable. Give it a try sometime, you may like it.

When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again.

My lady-lovin' co-blogger has some excellent tips on how to break up. This should be super useful for those of you who are feeling a little Shane today.

But what do you do if YOU are the one being broken up with? If you are the lesbo who thought that everything was perfect and maybe you were moving in together in six months, and then, one night, as you're holding her tenderly, your ladyfriend tells you that she thinks she's still in love with her ex-girlfriend and maybe you should take some time apart slash break up forever? If this has happened to you, and it definitely hasn't happened to me or anything, it may be difficult to think clearly while you are curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, or silently crying next to your coldhearted lover in bed while she sleeps the sleep of the ruthless and morally vacant.

But think clearly you must! It is super easy to make mistakes and do things you will regret in an effort to resuscitate your relationship, which at this point is kind of like a goldfish floating miserably at the top of the bowl. Should you just flush this goldfish down the toilet and move on with your life? Absolutely. But just as it is hard to let go of that fish you won at the church bazaar when you were twelve, it is impossible to revive a relationship that is dead in the water. (See what I did there? Yeah, it's no big deal).

Here's what you need to do: first, determine that the relationship is actually over. Consider the following. Does your girlfriend have an identical, possibly evil twin with a vested interest in breaking the two of you up? Is it April Fool's Day and does your girlfriend enjoy devastating practical jokes? Has she been abducted by aliens, replaced by a pod person, or are one or both of you eighteen years old? If one of the above statements is true, you might be able to salvage your relationship. This doesn't mean you should, just that you can.

Otherwise, it's probably over. Even if your ex-girlfriend calls you an hour, a week, a month, or a year later, and tells you she's made a horrible mistake and wants to try again, it's over. It is okay to make mistakes (as Miley Cyrus says, everybody makes mistakes, after all), but she made a mistake with your feelings. If she broke up with you, you have to assume that she thought about it before she did it. And if tries to get back together with you immediately, she either didn't think about it carefully or she's an asshole. You don't want to be in a relationship with either of those ladies.

But Indigo Labrys! What if it's a few years later and we've remained friends and we're both really different people now? (i.e., not in high school anymore slash actual adults who have emotionally matured).

... IT'S STILL OVER. The things that were an issue when you broke up (her parents, her brief infidelity, her kitty horde) may not be an issue now. Her parents have mellowed out, you don't even know that hipster anymore, and all those cats are dead and have not been replaced. Well, good. But unless you can forgive her for all the crazy shit that happened in your relationship / break-up / attempt to remain friends after, it's never going to work out. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there are so many hot ladies in the world. Like, so many. Just go google "hot ladies" (with SafeSearch on, obv). There are lots of cute girls you can date / sex up / forge a soulbond with who haven't tried breaking your heart into a million tiny sad pieces.

So now that it's over, what do you do? You can return to my co-blogger Allure's post for some helpful hints; many of them apply to you, the dumped, as well as that hater who dumped you. Get off Facebook! Put her pictures, poetry, and locks of her hair in a special box that you hide somewhere. You don't need to throw them out yet. (Unlike Allure, I firmly believe in keeping these around, because nothing strengthens a relationship like the insecurity your new lover will experience when she finds a stash or twelve of old love letters).

But most importantly of all, as the dumped, STOP TAKING HER CALLS. Establish boundaries; tell her you're going to take some time and want to start meeting new people / getting over her / getting your shit together / whatever. Even if you are just going to sit in your room and play sad overwrought Sarah McLachlan songs, tell her you need some space. It will be hard because you never wanted to break up in the first place, and you miss hearing her voice and stuff. And she'll probably try calling you because she feels guilty / wants to stay friends / misses having your love, support, and awesome ladycuddles in her life / is an emotionally manipulative asshat. So there's definite temptation to stay in contact - and surely, if she sees how much you love her, she'll maybe want to come back, right?

(If this is what you think, please remind yourself that it's already over. Get a tattoo if it helps. Put it next to that one you got on your three month anniversary with her. You know the one.)

Because I am a teacher and like clear statements, here's my basic argument in conclusion:

(1) It's over.
(2) It's still over.
(3) No, you shouldn't get back together.
(4) But you should stop talking to her.

Is the honeymoon over? How to break up with your special lady friend.

As Bette from "The L Word" once said, sometimes you have to break up with lesbians twice. I know I've had this unfortunate experience, and I'm sure some of you have too. Even so, you should do so in the nicest way possible, like the lovely lady-lovin' ladies you are. We won't pretend that it won't be hard or sad- breaking your soulbond is always a hardship. But sometimes (and we have a few personal experiences between our sordid dating histories to prove it) it is a necessary chore, and you will be the better for it.

Before we talk about what you could do, here are some things we do not recommend doing, ever.

1. Sending a text message/e-mail/facebook post or status/tweet/ post-it note stuck on her car windshield. This only gives her something to forward/copy/post for all of her friends (and your friends, as obviously you have merged lives by now and are completely codependent) to see and analyze with her, and will ultimately just make you look like an ass, no matter how eloquent you are.
2. Showing up one day at your favorite coffee shop with a new lady on your arm/ love bite on your neck. First, if you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating is not OK ever (unless Rachel Maddow shows up in my bedroom by magic, and then I'll be begging my lady friend for a one-time pass). Second, it's really tacky and makes you look like a jerk to all your mutual friends, who will immediately flock to her defense, no matter what good reasons you have for breaking up. Keep it classy, and wait to move on until you're truly a free and single gal again.
3. Calling with your break-up news while she's away on a family vacation, you're on a business trip, or otherwise in separate locations. While if you're in a long-distance relationship this may be the only way, if you normally see your lady friend on a daily (or minute-ly, because you like to be close to your soultwin) basis, don't be a coward, and grow the ovaries to tell her face to face.
4. Going back to facebook, our favorite locale of social faux-pas, don't put up a pic of a new love interest or change your relationship status on to single before you've talked to your lady friend. In fact, don't put up a picture of a new lady for at least... a month? A few months? The timing is up to you and the exact formula will depend on the length of your relationship and how u-hauled you were, but be respectful of your now-ex's feelings.
5. Telling her everything you don't like about her in a vindictive way. Now, if she has been a really bad lady, this may be justified and hard to resist. But, if it just isn't working out and you'd still like to keep the time-honored lesbian tradition of staying friends with your ex, you don't necessarily have to spill all. Remember our favorite mantra: secret feelings are secret for a reason! There is no need for her to know that you really wish she didn't have that mole shaped like male genitalia on her hip, that the smell of her homemade kombucha made you feel vile, or that you were just dating her for the hot sex and her not-so-hot intellect was a downer. 
6. Try to keep this lack-of-vindictiveness throughout the months following your breakup. That's what your other friends are for- the ones you stopped calling during the first weeks/months of your relationship when everything was sunshine and daisies and you wanted nothing more than to whisper her name softly while stroking her hair as she slept. These other pals are there for you in your time of relationship breakdown, and will listen to you vent about all your ex's annoying habits while you cry over a bowl of vegan ice cream and watch Lost and Delirious, because you totally get what that chick with the hawk is feeling. Or the other chick, whichever the case may be.
7. Try to limit your post break-up phone calls where you rehash your relationship with each other and what went wrong. While we are fans of lesbian processing, sometimes even this can be tedious. Especially with your new ex.
8. Don't have break up sex. It always seems like a good idea, but it's not. Trust me.

Try these ideas instead:

1. Break up in private. We are big fans of privacy, lesbian sistren! While it may seem like a good idea to take your ex-special-lady out for a nice macro-organic-tofu bowl to spill the bad news, don't do it. If she wants to cry/yell at you/whatever, let her do so in the privacy of one of your homes, not around other people. 
2. Be honest, but not too honest to the point of harshness. Remember what we said in our previous section. Now, sometimes you do have to be harsh, as in the case of "when you consume addictive substances you become a nutcase, and I'm tired of chasing your crazy self out of the lady bar on Friday nights to take you home." But if it's more of the variety "it's just not working out," say that, but don't be petty and point out things you consider as her faults. The next lady she dates may think it's adorable that she collects broken butterfly wings for her sculpture or wears hippy crystalized deodorant. 
3. Give her space afterwards. Don't expect to be best buds immediately, or ask her to be your wing-woman at the lady bar when you want to pick up a hot chick. Expect your mutual friends to invite you over for bunco night individually for awhile, until you both seem over it enough to not spoil the evening with your relationship angst.
4. Get off facebook. Delete your account or just have a friend change the password for you so you can't log on and see what she's doing, or look at the pictures of you together at last years Mich Fest. You can block her too for awhile if you must stay on your social networks, but we do not recommend this tactic alone. In your post break-up state, you are more likely to commit some of the over-sharing mistakes we have previously discussed. 
5. As one of my favorite lady friends sings in Come Back Home, take all the pictures down. Even if the breakup was your idea, you don't want to be reminded of her all the time. Get one of your other friends to come over to your abode and take down all the photos/ love notes/ souvenirs from your trip to Provincetown/ promise rings she gave you/ etc. You don't have to throw them away yet (though later you may find it awkward if a new lady friend finds these things!) but at least box them up so if you have a backlash, you can look over it later and cry over the mix tape she made you for your 2-week anniversary of love. 
6. Give yourself time to heal before moving on. Now lady friends, I am not saying you can't have a casual rebound. Rebounds can be a nice, fun way to move on from your intense, soulbonding lesbian relationship. But give it at least a few months before you start to seriously date someone else again. If you question if you're ready to date, you're probably not, so give yourself some time. Does this mean  you can't go to the latest queer dance party and perv on all the pretty ladies? Of course not! You can even take them to your abode for some consensual sexy times (see our future post on one-night stands). Just don't profess your love/start making them mix tapes/ take them to meet your chosen family right away. Have fun, do all the things you used to do before you got sucked into your vortex of love, and become a whole person again. In time, this will make you the wonderful, desirable lady that you can be. Not the semi-together lady who seems normal on a date until she starts talking about her ex non-stop, but she's totally over her, really! (Not that it's happened to either of us, or anything. Never.)
7. Go toy shopping. And you know the kind I mean! You may want to do this early on in the breakup and not wait to do the other tips first. I'll leave it up to you if you want to get ride of the toys you bought with your lady friend (as long as you sanitize well, sistren! really, really well! like, really!) but go buy something for yourself, and then you won't be as tempted by break up sex after you've drank a bottle of wine and listened to your favorite lady-friend music.
8. Keep it classy. When you do start dating again, be cool. Don't post things like "I am so glad to be FINALLY HAPPY! I've found the one for me AT LAST!!!" This just shows you're trying too hard, and cheapens your new-found love. If you do this, you probably need to go back to Tip 6, and try again.

Now, some of you  may be saying, that's all good for my lady-relationship break up, but what about someone I wasn't really dating/ didn't know I was dating? Well ladies, having been in this situation, let me return to my story about the unfortunate Inappropriate Girl (read post about over-sharing to refresh your memory- it's at the end).

After Inappropriate Girl's unfortunate text message, and my reply that it was way too soon to ask that question, even as a joke, I thought I had heard the last of her. But not so, sistren! Later I got another apology text asking for another chance. Using guidance from my sistren, I ignored this message. A few days later, she sent another message stating "I guess you're done with me, huh." Now sistren, this was after her "Moving on" facebook status. Again, as we had only been communicating for a week and hadn't met in person, I did not realize I owed her an explanation. (Please note that I didn't- sometimes bitches be crazy). So, realizing that she had taken my first rejection as a break up somehow even though we weren't actually dating, my sistren guided me that I was going to have to break up with her again. How do you break up with someone you're not dating? Well lesbos, you send her a text that says "Yes I'm sorry, but that was too much for me." 

Simple. To the point. No apologies, no elaboration. Why? Because it isn't necessary! And any elaboration would have been something like "Because clearly, you are a clingy sociopath who has no grasp on reality, and I wonder how you function in normal society." And would I ever say something like that to another lady? No! Or at least I would make my very best effort not to.

So ladies, we hope these tips help you in your relationship journey. For sometimes we have to go through a lot of soul-cons to find our soul-bond.

Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (You Should Not Put Inside Your Vagina)

... JUST SAY NO.

OMG The goddess is strong within me today!: Over-Sharing lesbians

Now lesbos, some of you may feel that we have covered over sharing in the things not to say on a first date chapter, but we feel the need to elaborate. Lesbians like to share feelings, and we are no exception to this rule. However, as silly as it may sound, there are times when you can share your feelings too much. Think about it and you'll know what I'm talking about. We all have that friend (or two or three) who put every single feeling that goes through their soul on their facebook or twitter page. So much so that you don't even need to wait for a sad text to know that they've broken up with their lady friend and/or hooked up with a hot new lady. If someone who you haven't spoken to in years (like your old high school chum), but who is your facebook pal, can tell your whole dating history solely based on status updates, then  you are probably guilty of over sharing.

Tip 1: Don't get sucked into your social media sites to the point of no return. If you are ever tempted to update your online accounts in ways similar to the following examples, just put down the laptop/cellphone and go do something else: read a cheesy novel, watch the L word (or Rizolli & Isles, the gayest show that was ever not gay), play softball, etc.

• Why am I so sad/angry/depressed/verklempt today? OMG!!
• I had the BEST DATE last night! She's a keeper!
• "So you say you don't want to stay together anymore" or any song lyrics that are posted passive-aggressively to one person in form of status update. Just don't put up song lyrics, ever. 
• Woke up in someone else's bed this morning LOL!!
• It's good to know who your real friends are. (again, passive-aggressiveness is annoying)
•  This too shall pass (with no explanation of the "this", because we all know no one really cares or understands)
• I miss my baby/love muffin/ honey pie/ cupcake
• Jesus/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster Rocks today!!!!
• I'm so drunk right now! Par-tay!
• I'm sooooo tired! (tagging your lady friend, so we all know what you were doing- it's gross)
• This sucks! (again, if you don't specify what the "this" is, you sound like an angsty teen, who as we discussed in a previous posts, are not hot)

Tip 2. Things you should never put on your facebook profile:

• Photos of you making out/ making googly eyes with your lady friend. You may think it's cute, but it's not. Don't be 12, take them down.
• Angsty music videos- see tip number 1
• Links to articles about  being broken-hearted after a break-up, or how love makes you live longer after meeting a new lady friend.

Tip 3: Email, text messages, and other private messages exist for a reason. If you are tempted to leave long love letters to your best lady friend, or emote about how much you miss her sweet lady kisses while you are at work, click that "message" button and put it to good use! No one else needs to read your confessions.

Inappropriate facebook wall posts to your lady friend/ too many words are bad:

1. Marry me baby! I want to be your life-mate!
2. You are my soulmate/soultwin/soulbond, I just love you so much!!!!!
3. I miss you more than words can say, I wish you were sitting right next to me right now :'(
4. Last night was soooooo fun ;-)
5. It was just one time! Forgive me?
6. Good news- the test results are negative! :-o

What you should do instead:

1. Propose in person, even if you're all hip with the technology and stuff, facebook proposals are tacky
2. Send an email or text!
3. I miss you! (simple, short, and acceptable if your lady friend has been gone for awhile, like a week at least)
4. Again- text message. Text message flirting is fun!
5. Cheating confessions should be made in person, not in a public forum
6. Um.... obviously, in person again.

Other times when you should keep things to yourself:

When you have been talking to a new lady for a short time, don't divulge all your secrets. You may have made it through your first date following Indigo Labrys' advice, but that doesn't mean you should overshare on date 2 or 3! For an example of what not to do, let me share with you a text message conversation I had with a lady (whom I hadn't met in person yet) which caused me to cringe in horror, and stop talking to her:

Inappropriate Girl: Hey [note- never just text "hey" to someone, even your good lady friend, it's annoying]

Me: hey, what's up [this was my error- never answer inane text messages, even when you're waiting in line for something and are really bored, as in my case]

[standard text message about what we were doing]

Inappropriate Girl: So, do you ever want to get married?

Me: [internally] !!!!!!! WTF this girl is cray-cray!!!!!!

Needless to say, I called a friend, who advised I tell Inappropriate Girl that was an uncool question, so she would learn the error of her ways. I did- she was displeased. And proceeded to post an over-share facebook status. I can't remember exactly, but I think it was to the effect of "Guess I have to move on now." [Please note, we had never spoken on the phone, let alone met in person, so I wasn't aware we were dating- see a future post on breaking up for more on this story]. I proceeded to ignore all her subsequent text messages. Let this be a lesson to you all, sistren. Marriage/children/commitment questions are never appropriate to ask to someone you are not actually dating/haven't been dating for more than a few months AT LEAST!!

To sum it up- your facebook wall/status updates are not a private love letter to your lady friend. Love letters can be fun, sweet, or sexy, but the point of them is they are PRIVATE between the TWO of you, not you and all of your hundreds of online pals. They don't want to know. No matter how happy you are, how much you want to shout from the rooftops about your lady love, keep it under control.