My lady-lovin' co-blogger has some excellent tips on how to break up. This should be super useful for those of you who are feeling a little Shane today.
But what do you do if YOU are the one being broken up with? If you are the lesbo who thought that everything was perfect and maybe you were moving in together in six months, and then, one night, as you're holding her tenderly, your ladyfriend tells you that she thinks she's still in love with her ex-girlfriend and maybe you should take some time apart slash break up forever? If this has happened to you, and it definitely hasn't happened to me or anything, it may be difficult to think clearly while you are curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, or silently crying next to your coldhearted lover in bed while she sleeps the sleep of the ruthless and morally vacant.
But think clearly you must! It is super easy to make mistakes and do things you will regret in an effort to resuscitate your relationship, which at this point is kind of like a goldfish floating miserably at the top of the bowl. Should you just flush this goldfish down the toilet and move on with your life? Absolutely. But just as it is hard to let go of that fish you won at the church bazaar when you were twelve, it is impossible to revive a relationship that is dead in the water. (See what I did there? Yeah, it's no big deal).
Here's what you need to do: first, determine that the relationship is actually over. Consider the following. Does your girlfriend have an identical, possibly evil twin with a vested interest in breaking the two of you up? Is it April Fool's Day and does your girlfriend enjoy devastating practical jokes? Has she been abducted by aliens, replaced by a pod person, or are one or both of you eighteen years old? If one of the above statements is true, you might be able to salvage your relationship. This doesn't mean you should, just that you can.
Otherwise, it's probably over. Even if your ex-girlfriend calls you an hour, a week, a month, or a year later, and tells you she's made a horrible mistake and wants to try again, it's over. It is okay to make mistakes (as Miley Cyrus says, everybody makes mistakes, after all), but she made a mistake with your feelings. If she broke up with you, you have to assume that she thought about it before she did it. And if tries to get back together with you immediately, she either didn't think about it carefully or she's an asshole. You don't want to be in a relationship with either of those ladies.
But Indigo Labrys! What if it's a few years later and we've remained friends and we're both really different people now? (i.e., not in high school anymore slash actual adults who have emotionally matured).
... IT'S STILL OVER. The things that were an issue when you broke up (her parents, her brief infidelity, her kitty horde) may not be an issue now. Her parents have mellowed out, you don't even know that hipster anymore, and all those cats are dead and have not been replaced. Well, good. But unless you can forgive her for all the crazy shit that happened in your relationship / break-up / attempt to remain friends after, it's never going to work out. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there are so many hot ladies in the world. Like, so many. Just go google "hot ladies" (with SafeSearch on, obv). There are lots of cute girls you can date / sex up / forge a soulbond with who haven't tried breaking your heart into a million tiny sad pieces.
So now that it's over, what do you do? You can return to my co-blogger Allure's post for some helpful hints; many of them apply to you, the dumped, as well as that hater who dumped you. Get off Facebook! Put her pictures, poetry, and locks of her hair in a special box that you hide somewhere. You don't need to throw them out yet. (Unlike Allure, I firmly believe in keeping these around, because nothing strengthens a relationship like the insecurity your new lover will experience when she finds a stash or twelve of old love letters).
But most importantly of all, as the dumped, STOP TAKING HER CALLS. Establish boundaries; tell her you're going to take some time and want to start meeting new people / getting over her / getting your shit together / whatever. Even if you are just going to sit in your room and play sad overwrought Sarah McLachlan songs, tell her you need some space. It will be hard because you never wanted to break up in the first place, and you miss hearing her voice and stuff. And she'll probably try calling you because she feels guilty / wants to stay friends / misses having your love, support, and awesome ladycuddles in her life / is an emotionally manipulative asshat. So there's definite temptation to stay in contact - and surely, if she sees how much you love her, she'll maybe want to come back, right?
(If this is what you think, please remind yourself that it's already over. Get a tattoo if it helps. Put it next to that one you got on your three month anniversary with her. You know the one.)
Because I am a teacher and like clear statements, here's my basic argument in conclusion:
(1) It's over.
(2) It's still over.
(3) No, you shouldn't get back together.
(4) But you should stop talking to her.
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