Student-teacher relationships, and why they should never happen

Have you watched "Loving Annabelle" and thought, hey, that looks sexy, I want to try that! We are here to tell you that while you are free to think that all you want sistren, actually doing so is wrong. Completely, and totally wrong. If you are not convinced purely by your undying trust in me alone, let me give you my reasons.

If you are a teacher:
Being educators ourselves, we cannot fathom why someone would find their student attractive. Students don't know things! This is why they are in your class! People who don't know things are not sexy! Lessons can be naughty fun in the bedroom, and innocently fun in the classroom, but the two are totally different and should NEVER meet. Ever. But I digress.

First, as lesbian sistren, you should already be aware of the ways power works in our society. When you are in a position of authority over someone, you have power over them, no matter how benevolent of a leader you strive to be. It is rapey to take advantage of this power and hit on a student. Even if that student is cute, or your age (or older even!), or is crushing on you too. There are policies and laws against such couplings for good reasons my friends!

"But what if they are really really cute and keep hitting on me, and I think we may be soulmates?" you may ask. Tough titty! As long as you are in charge of someone's grades, on their thesis committee, or too old to be in a legal relationship, it is never OK to act on these feelings. If you really think you're soulmates, then wait till you no longer have a working relationship with this person (assuming they are an adult capable of consent- if not, then you are gross and I no longer want to make you a friendship bracelet for reading this masterpiece). Then if the fires are still stoking both of your lady loins, go ahead and ask her to accompany you to a roller derby match.

My advice is to go meet some hot ladies online like normal people do, who are not in your classroom, and ride off into the sunset together. Or watch Xena.

If you are a student:
Are you secretly crushing on your teacher? It may not be as secret as you think, ladies always know about these things. So if your professor refuses to meet with you alone in her office, or always makes sure the door is wide open, she is probably protecting herself against claims of sexual harassment. It's perfectly fine to have a crush on your teacher, it can make class go by faster, and you'll probably get better grades because you're paying attention to every word she says (or that better be what you're paying attention to, young lady!). However, don't expect it to be returned. Hit on the cute nerdy girl who knows her stuff instead, then you can have sexy study dates instead of spending your time pining for someone who's unattainable.

If you find you just can't control yourself and must hit on your teacher, try to resist until after the grades are posted. Ladies should always show decorum, and you wouldn't want your potential love interest to think you're only hitting on her to get a better grade, would you? I didn't think so. As a lady lovin' lady, you should value deep, meaningful communication. Plus, later when you are processing the early beginnings of your relationship, you can talk about the agony of waiting- doesn't that sound fun?

Now if you're in the opposite situation and a teacher/professor is hitting on you, run. And report the bitch. Any professor/teacher/educator who would try to use their power (because no matter what they say, that's what's happening) to get laid, is gross, and you can do better. Much better. Consent and equal power in relationships is sexy, my dear sistren.

And lastly, please don't embarrass our kind and be the lesbian version of  Mary Kay Letourneau. Just don't.

Keeping You a Secret: What Not to Spill on Your First Date

Dating is hard. Ladies are hot. When confronted with the hotness of other ladies, you may be overwhelmed by your feelings because you want to touch bodies. Or souls. This may lead you to say and do things that you don’t really mean. Or say and do things that you shouldn’t. You may be out of the closet, but some skeletons need to stay in the closet, at least until the second date.

“But Indigo Labrys!” you may say. “What specifically do I need to avoid saying in order to have sexytimes slash forge a soulbond with another woman?” Don’t worry, my delicate flowers. I am here to help you.

Let’s start with the basics: don’t lie. When your lovely and lithesome lesbian ladyfriend mentions that she really enjoys embroidering cat-themed wall-hangings, don’t pretend to be interested in cats, embroidery, or walls – unless you really are. It never works out. Once you take her home to make sweet passionate love, she will notice the absence of cat-themed wall-hangings and it will create a huge, cat-shaped hole in her heart, and she will never have sex with you, ever.

Does this mean you should tell the truth?

NO!!!!!!!

You should never tell the truth on a first date. You may think, while you’re exchanging soulful glances over coffee, that she seems really genuine, and like, just really real and emotionally honest, you know? Why should you lie to her? You shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it just be better if you were forthright about everything? I mean, you’d want to know about how amazing the sex with her last girlfriend was, right? Oh, wait. No, you wouldn’t.

You should avoid the following subjects on a first date:

… your ex (and how special she was to you, and how you’re still friends, but don’t worry, you’re totally over her).

… your plans for marriage. This is coffee, not a commitment ceremony, for God’s / Amy Ray’s sake.

… your years of electroshock therapy and how sometimes you hallucinate about people who aren’t really there and also you have terrible insomnia which is why sometimes you have conversations with the toaster and see strange glowing lights shooting out of your fingertips. (This has happened. It should NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN).

… moving-in together. (Save this for the 365^th date. It’ll be really special and magical, I promise).

… anything you talk about with your therapist. (Except the weather. That’s ok).

… how lonely you are and how awesome it is to meet someone who really gets you. (You really get me, right?)

… your past lives. (I think I know you from somewhere, don’t I?)

… her past lives. (And how you’re meant to be together!!1!! No really, just don’t).

… how your cats really need a second mommy. (Actually, avoid the word “mommy” altogether. It’s an unsexy word).

… weird things that happened in your childhood that make you seem like a psychopath. (For example: I painted watercolors of the Hindenberg exploding! And drew pictures of various hostage situations! And made 3-D art of flies sucking on people’s blood, emphasis on the blood! And told everyone at my tenth birthday party how much it sucked to die from the bubonic plague! I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS. And maybe I will. But guess when I wouldn’t do that? ON A FIRST DATE).

… the third season of the L Word. You will both cry, and it will not be sexy.

… felonies you have committed. (And I know it seems like an obvious segue from talking about the L Word, but I promise it isn’t).

… and because it needs to be said again: women who done wronged you. I can only think of a *handful* of first dates where this hasn’t come up, and this is a shame, because there are plenty of fun things to talk about, like kittens and rainbows and ice cream and vegan recipes and how much you both like other ladies.

In short: secret feelings should be kept a SECRET. You can share them while you're processing later and healing each other's secret pain will only bring you closer together, like lesbian magnets.

Separated for the Holidays? A Coping Guide

If your families live far apart, or are not cool with your lady-loving ways, you and your companion may have to separate for the holidays. It can be tough to be separated from your lady lovah during these times of laughter and good cheer, but we are here to help you with these timely tips:

1. Constant text messaging. Did you just see a snowflake? A cute kitten? A cloud shaped kind of like the birthmark on her thigh? She needs to know these things immediately! Why wait for a phone call, email, or holiday card? This way it is like she is experiencing your every moment with you, despite your physical difference.
2. Video messages. Record a sweet or sexy (you naughty thing!) video for your love muffin and send away! Or, post to her facebook wall so that everyone is aware of your luurrvveee for each other. This will also keep the bitches away while you're apart- you must claim your woman as yours!
3. Nightly phone calls. "You hang up, no you hang up!" These goodnight chats can bring your closer together.
4. Bombard her twitter or facebook page as much as possible. Send her video clips of sad songs so she knows you are incomplete without her, pictures of sad homeless puppies, empty chairs, anything to show that your soul is incomplete without her by your side. 
5. Cosmic connection. Clearly, as lesbians we are cosmically and spiritually connected to our partners, from the moment we gaze lovingly and soulfully into each others' eyes. You might think that this means you don't need to follow the first four tips- but that would be wrong, sistren. You must maintain constant vigilance against the forces that would tear your unbreakable bond apart.

Homo Depot, and How to Avoid It

There are two kinds of lesbians: those who live for hardware stores, and those who loathe them. If you are of the latter, this chapter is for you. If you're in the former group, skip on to another chapter while I talk to your lady friend.

Lesbian friends- I hate the homo depot, and all hardware stores, with a passion. Especially the big chainstore varieties. Why are they as big as a warehouse? Who could possibly need so many different kinds of nails? What is the point? Now if you love them and for some reason are still reading, I'm sure you're giving all kinds of practical reasons, home repair, better to do it yourself, blah blah blah, but I assure you, we don't care.

If you find yourself dragged to the hardware store by your enthusiastic significant other, here are my tips for you:

1. Whine incessantly. Sigh, pout, check your watch frequently. Lament about your sore joints from all the walking, the time you could be better spending browsing a bookstore/walking the dog/ feeding the cats (you know you  have a pet, come on now, all lesbians do)/practicing Indigo Girls songs/taking a long bubble bath. Do this enough, and the next time your lady friend needs a new power tool, she probably won't try to sneak in a trip before your trip to the grocery store for the lesbian potluck/ dog park/ gay dance party.
2. Play count the lesbian. Always a fun game in any situation, this becomes more fun in these environments. It has the added element of counting singles and couples, and then further couples with 2 happy hardware store shoppers, or 1 happy shopper and 1 miserable lady who was drug there like you. 
3. Make dirty jokes about all the names for things (screws! coupling! bushing! the possibilities are endless). If you can, take pictures of the boxes and giggle while standing close to your lady friend, giving onlookers no doubt that you are a couple. This can have a very similar effect to tip number 1, though instead of whining, you just embarrass her enough to not get included in the next shopping excursion. (See pictures below for evidence that I have done with this my lady friend, and it worked!)
4. Bargain. Where does she loathe going? The local co-op? The craft store? Softball games? Make her go to one of your faves and her nightmares for every time you are forced to look at wrenches or paint samples, and see how your trips reduce significantly. 

It's really that simple ladies! Just because it's a stereotype that lady lovers love Lowes, don't feel you have to conform.

Topics for our dating guide: a working list

1. U-hauling
2. Homo-depot, and how to avoid it
3. Things not to say on a first date
4. Over-sharing; general
5. Pets are not children or sex partners
6. Merging
7. The diaspora of Lesbian incest
8. Online dating
9. Ex-lovers and your partners' ex-lovers
10. How to talk to other lesbians
11. How to negotiate hook-ups: one night stands and why they're ok
12. Student-teacher relationships, and why they should never happen
13. Lesbian weddings
14. Quizzes: are you a Xena or Gabrielle; Are you codependent- or do you have to ask your partner if you should take this quiz?; Are you femme or butch?; Top or bottom?
15. Why you should never spell women with a "Y" or an "I" or the word "womb"
16. Words not to use ever, ever again
17. Oranges are not the only fruit you shouldn't put in your vagina
18. Sex toy guide

Thoughts? Comments?

On reserve

My soul was like a lost book before
You.
Sitting forlornly on the waiting to be shelved shelf,
Tucked behind other books,
Misplaced in a cranny,
Till you put it on the right shelf- in your
Heart. In your
Soul.

On Permanent Reserve.

Deep thought for the day

My girlfriend and I have one heart and eight limbs. Kind of like a spider.

A love spider.

A poem for my lovah

My soul feels empty without you,
Like a sad room with no cats.

It's a short poem.

Yesterday

I was separated from you for over an hour, and I felt that my heart was breaking. How will I go on?