Homo Depot, and How to Avoid It

There are two kinds of lesbians: those who live for hardware stores, and those who loathe them. If you are of the latter, this chapter is for you. If you're in the former group, skip on to another chapter while I talk to your lady friend.

Lesbian friends- I hate the homo depot, and all hardware stores, with a passion. Especially the big chainstore varieties. Why are they as big as a warehouse? Who could possibly need so many different kinds of nails? What is the point? Now if you love them and for some reason are still reading, I'm sure you're giving all kinds of practical reasons, home repair, better to do it yourself, blah blah blah, but I assure you, we don't care.

If you find yourself dragged to the hardware store by your enthusiastic significant other, here are my tips for you:

1. Whine incessantly. Sigh, pout, check your watch frequently. Lament about your sore joints from all the walking, the time you could be better spending browsing a bookstore/walking the dog/ feeding the cats (you know you  have a pet, come on now, all lesbians do)/practicing Indigo Girls songs/taking a long bubble bath. Do this enough, and the next time your lady friend needs a new power tool, she probably won't try to sneak in a trip before your trip to the grocery store for the lesbian potluck/ dog park/ gay dance party.
2. Play count the lesbian. Always a fun game in any situation, this becomes more fun in these environments. It has the added element of counting singles and couples, and then further couples with 2 happy hardware store shoppers, or 1 happy shopper and 1 miserable lady who was drug there like you. 
3. Make dirty jokes about all the names for things (screws! coupling! bushing! the possibilities are endless). If you can, take pictures of the boxes and giggle while standing close to your lady friend, giving onlookers no doubt that you are a couple. This can have a very similar effect to tip number 1, though instead of whining, you just embarrass her enough to not get included in the next shopping excursion. (See pictures below for evidence that I have done with this my lady friend, and it worked!)
4. Bargain. Where does she loathe going? The local co-op? The craft store? Softball games? Make her go to one of your faves and her nightmares for every time you are forced to look at wrenches or paint samples, and see how your trips reduce significantly. 

It's really that simple ladies! Just because it's a stereotype that lady lovers love Lowes, don't feel you have to conform.