- we get movie passes to go see queer films!!
- we get to people-watch all the queers!
- to go with the above, we make our own bingo! (which IL has won the past 3 times- cheater) (IL: I am not a cheater. I'm just way better at bingo than you are, i.e. highly observant and lucky. Also, you were thwarted by "mullets" and "merging" - as are we all on occasion, my friend).
- we get to judge both the people AND the movies!
- we get to process all our feelings every time we watch a movie!
- we get to hang out a bunch!
- as ticket-takers, we get to say fun things like, "My entrance is most popular!" as Not Allured naively claimed last year. This year, however, she has had some ... stiff competition, if you will.
- we get to educate other volunteers (in addition to the whole world, obviously) on the power of sistrenhood. For example, this year a misguided volunteer asked Not Allured and me how long w'd been dating, presumably since we were volunteering together. We quickly corrected her and, I would like to think, demonstrated that sistrenhood is mighty. Look, other queer ladies! you can have friends you just have fun with! Life isn't like The L Word!
- this may just be me, Indigo Labrys, but I also enjoy having the opportunity to nag other humans and have it legitimized by my official volunteer t-shirt. "No, ma'am, you *cannot* enter this theatre - you have tickets for an entirely different movie." "Excuse me, sir, but Cinema Two is *that* way." "Pardon me, miss, but I think your head may be stuck up your ass (you fucking pretentious hipster)." AHHH. FEELINGS.
Gayness, judging things, processing, hanging out? It's our dream come true!
Because we have seen 8 movies (including 2 compilations of shorts) over the past week, we thought we'd share some very short reviews with you. Cause have you noticed how no one wants to say gay movies are bad? Haven't we gotten to the point where we don't have to pretend they're all great? We think so, anyway. To rate them, we will be giving them 0, 1, 2, or more ({})'s.
Who's Afraid of Vagina Woolf? (feature length film)
Smart, funny, makes fun of hipsters, Guinevere Turner impersonating Elizabeth Taylor, vagina costume, features a cat vest, is also a really interesting movie about making queer movies. Also Guin Turner as Elizabeth Taylor is maybe my new favorite thing ever. It needed to be said again. (Maybe Not Allured will forgive her for Go Fish now?) (Not a chance.) (It's ok; since she was involved with the script for Breaking the Girls, she's back on my shit-list.)
We give this all the ({})'s! Loved it! Go see it right now! Will be buying on DVD! And looking for that vagina costume to wear in the bedroom for Halloween this year.
Reaching for the Moon. (feature length film)
We'd like to suggest this alternate title: "Reaching for a Plot."
NA: Obviously, this had a huge, huge budget as the costumes and sets were beautiful. It even had good actresses. But someone never matured from the elementary school way of using metaphors. And it seemed like it went on forever. And, all of the characters were completely insufferable. For a movie about a poet, it had a complete lack of verbal artistry. No ({})'s for this one. Do yourself a favor and skip it. Not Allured tried to process it with The Librarian (who did not see the film), who told her to go talk to Indigo Labrys about it and get over it already. (We are still processing our feelings about this film, mainly of rage, anger, and disappointment).
IL: I need to write up separate feelings for this because, as they say in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (a favorite from last year), I have BIG FEELINGS. My biggest gripe is that this was a movie about a poet and yet it fails to really engage Bishop's poetry. Imagine all the interesting things they could have done with her work. Did you do it? Good. Now throw all of them out the window like they're a zebra-patterned ottoman with hot pink trim. Instead we receive lots of shots of her wandering around some trees muttering to herself. And the film is framed by "One Art." Argh. Additionally, as my sistren Not Allured notes, the film seems to be really worried that a movie about Elizabeth Bishop might be just too hard for people to understand. So instead, each plot point is hammered home with heavy-handed symbolism. Did someone just die? ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. A SYMBOLIC TOY BOAT SINKS BENEATH THE WATER. Why not just put a raven in there and make it croak "Nevermore"? Also, they use my least favorite thing ever: storm outside = storm inside (their hearts). Think of The Notebook. When they are all "I wrote you 365 days!" "I didn't get any of your letters!" "I'm so mad, girl, I just want you to sex you up in this storm." Actually, this movie had a lot in common with The Notebook.
IL: I need to write up separate feelings for this because, as they say in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (a favorite from last year), I have BIG FEELINGS. My biggest gripe is that this was a movie about a poet and yet it fails to really engage Bishop's poetry. Imagine all the interesting things they could have done with her work. Did you do it? Good. Now throw all of them out the window like they're a zebra-patterned ottoman with hot pink trim. Instead we receive lots of shots of her wandering around some trees muttering to herself. And the film is framed by "One Art." Argh. Additionally, as my sistren Not Allured notes, the film seems to be really worried that a movie about Elizabeth Bishop might be just too hard for people to understand. So instead, each plot point is hammered home with heavy-handed symbolism. Did someone just die? ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. A SYMBOLIC TOY BOAT SINKS BENEATH THE WATER. Why not just put a raven in there and make it croak "Nevermore"? Also, they use my least favorite thing ever: storm outside = storm inside (their hearts). Think of The Notebook. When they are all "I wrote you 365 days!" "I didn't get any of your letters!" "I'm so mad, girl, I just want you to sex you up in this storm." Actually, this movie had a lot in common with The Notebook.
I Am Divine (feature length documentary)
NA: Touching, funny, raunchy, and a tear-jerker all wrapped in a fabulous package. Two bedazzled ({}) ({})'s up!
IL: Yeah, this was good. I didn't know anything about Divine, although I have seen Hairspray at the encouragement of another sistren.
IL: Yeah, this was good. I didn't know anything about Divine, although I have seen Hairspray at the encouragement of another sistren.
Chastity Bites (feature length film)
Not Allured: I (and The Librarian, who actually came to see this one too) thought this was silly and fun and enjoyed it. Elizabeth Bathory teaching an abstinence-only sex ed program so she can pray on young virgins? Loved it! My favorite scene was the principal's death scene. True the main girl could have been gayer for a gay film festival, and her boyfriend looked super gay, but I am willing to overlook these elements for some mindless fun. I give it one ({}).IL: So I didn't enjoy this at. all. I'm not really sure why, but I think it is probably along these lines: I get that the movie is trying to spoof the pathologization of non-normative sexualities in different texts - how the vampire becomes associated with non-normative bodies and desires (so, both the trope of the lesbian vampire in literature and film, i.e., Carmilla, but also how the historical record about Bathory herself might be colored by the threat she posed to social norms at the time). So the film does an ok job of spoofing this - there's a lot of campiness surrounding both Liz Batho's lesbianism / vampirism (she is an equal-opportunity seductress / murderer of young girls, MILFs, and cat-ladies) and the fact that the heterosexual teenage protagonists are the only ones capable of eradicating that threat. I'm just not sure that the movie goes beyond merely spoofing these things to any sort of sustained criticism? (NA: It didn't, but I didn't care. I watched this with the same mindset I watch shows on ABC Family- expecting no criticism at all, just mindless entertainment).
Also, I didn't think it was very funny. Because I am a humorless feminist. (NA: True. I think IL's English dissertating is preventing her from enjoying things for their own sake.)
Breaking the Girls (feature length film)
IL: I don't even know how to begin to describe how batshit insane this film is. We had received mixed reviews prior to seeing its insanity for ourselves; one group of friends thought it was totally deranged, and another group of volunteers strongly recommended it. Needless to say, we chose our friends well, because they were absolutely correct about this film. It was crazysauce, and I don't know that I can say much about it besides the following: this movie is about making bad decisions. Seeing this movie is one of these bad decisions.
On the other hand, Madeline Zima (who was in The Nanny; don't lie, you know you watched it) makes the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Her crazy eyes are amazing. I feel like she knows the film is insane and maybe it doesn't make sense to her either but she commits to the crazy 100%. She is ON BOARD that crazy train.
Rating: It doesn't get any ({}) because that's way too good for this film. Instead, it gets ONE crazy-face :-O.
NA: I only have to add, "stop trying to make all the plot twists happen. They're never gonna happen."
Ok I actually have more feelings. So like, Nina, had sex with her step dad? Her half-sister's dad? Or something? Messed up. Also, like duh, he wouldn't remember he had a step kid named Janine, and maybe that's the same person as Nina? And a daughter named Sarah? WTF? This movie made NONE OF THE SENSE in its quest to be plot twisty. Also, it was basically like that 1 pool scene from Wild Things that everyone has seen, Swim Fan, and like Single White Female, with more gayness. And insanity.
IL: I don't even know how to begin to describe how batshit insane this film is. We had received mixed reviews prior to seeing its insanity for ourselves; one group of friends thought it was totally deranged, and another group of volunteers strongly recommended it. Needless to say, we chose our friends well, because they were absolutely correct about this film. It was crazysauce, and I don't know that I can say much about it besides the following: this movie is about making bad decisions. Seeing this movie is one of these bad decisions.
On the other hand, Madeline Zima (who was in The Nanny; don't lie, you know you watched it) makes the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Her crazy eyes are amazing. I feel like she knows the film is insane and maybe it doesn't make sense to her either but she commits to the crazy 100%. She is ON BOARD that crazy train.
Rating: It doesn't get any ({}) because that's way too good for this film. Instead, it gets ONE crazy-face :-O.
NA: I only have to add, "stop trying to make all the plot twists happen. They're never gonna happen."
Ok I actually have more feelings. So like, Nina, had sex with her step dad? Her half-sister's dad? Or something? Messed up. Also, like duh, he wouldn't remember he had a step kid named Janine, and maybe that's the same person as Nina? And a daughter named Sarah? WTF? This movie made NONE OF THE SENSE in its quest to be plot twisty. Also, it was basically like that 1 pool scene from Wild Things that everyone has seen, Swim Fan, and like Single White Female, with more gayness. And insanity.
Heterosexual Jill (feature length film)
NA: Enjoyable, funny, maybe tried to make some commentary about everyone being obsessed with what 'box' (no pun intended) their sexuality fits in but never quite getting there. But it did make us want to see "Butch Jamie," for which this is a sequel, but you didn't need to see it to like this movie. One non-heterosexual ({})
IL: Yeah, NA already had to listen to me rant a little bit about this yesterday. (I have so many feelings all the time, sistren.) It's mostly pretty funny; I mean, one of the protagonists is a CAT ACTOR. Repeat: she is a cat. actor. So that wins.
In order to understand why I am a little peeved at this movie, here's a basic outline of the plot: Jill really wants to be straight. She's attending a support group focused on reclaiming her heterosexuality. (This is predictably gross and rightfully mocked.) Jill and Jamie used to date. Jill decides that to prove she's a Real Heterosexual (TM) she and Jamie need to date again. They do. Meanwhile, back on the farm, Butch Jamie just accidentally saw her first dick and is having fantasies about making it with dudes. She starts attending a support group based on reclaiming her lesbianism (which Jill later also ends up at, surprise surprise). I am irritated because I feel like the film creates a false equivalency between these support groups; they're both mocked equally and in ways that seem to suggest they are equally hypocritical and intolerant. (I don't think the film wants to do this, but it does IMO.) Likewise, it suggests that Jill's internalized homophobia is just like Butch Jamie's refusal to admit she's having fantasies about the peen. And these are not the same!
(NA: This is really where IL's studies in English literature raise their ugly head and make her soul even sadder than mine on watching bad lesbian films. Since I have but a piddly BA in English literature, my pain is not so great.)
However, there is a song about how lesbians will save the ozone layer and create world peace and stuff.
NA: Enjoyable, funny, maybe tried to make some commentary about everyone being obsessed with what 'box' (no pun intended) their sexuality fits in but never quite getting there. But it did make us want to see "Butch Jamie," for which this is a sequel, but you didn't need to see it to like this movie. One non-heterosexual ({})
IL: Yeah, NA already had to listen to me rant a little bit about this yesterday. (I have so many feelings all the time, sistren.) It's mostly pretty funny; I mean, one of the protagonists is a CAT ACTOR. Repeat: she is a cat. actor. So that wins.
In order to understand why I am a little peeved at this movie, here's a basic outline of the plot: Jill really wants to be straight. She's attending a support group focused on reclaiming her heterosexuality. (This is predictably gross and rightfully mocked.) Jill and Jamie used to date. Jill decides that to prove she's a Real Heterosexual (TM) she and Jamie need to date again. They do. Meanwhile, back on the farm, Butch Jamie just accidentally saw her first dick and is having fantasies about making it with dudes. She starts attending a support group based on reclaiming her lesbianism (which Jill later also ends up at, surprise surprise). I am irritated because I feel like the film creates a false equivalency between these support groups; they're both mocked equally and in ways that seem to suggest they are equally hypocritical and intolerant. (I don't think the film wants to do this, but it does IMO.) Likewise, it suggests that Jill's internalized homophobia is just like Butch Jamie's refusal to admit she's having fantasies about the peen. And these are not the same!
(NA: This is really where IL's studies in English literature raise their ugly head and make her soul even sadder than mine on watching bad lesbian films. Since I have but a piddly BA in English literature, my pain is not so great.)
However, there is a song about how lesbians will save the ozone layer and create world peace and stuff.
The Mermaids (longish short? not quite feature length?)
Super cute nerd, super cute jocks, German, costumes, adorkable-ness, social awkwardness. Would definitely watch again! Two aquatic ({}) ({})
Super cute nerd, super cute jocks, German, costumes, adorkable-ness, social awkwardness. Would definitely watch again! Two aquatic ({}) ({})
Quiet (short)
Bleh, emotionally manipulative, no character development. Counting on a gay audience relating to the tragic circumstances and feeling sad about the possibility of it happening to them. Tell us something we don't know. Negative ({})s.
Tsuyako (short)
A love story between two Japanese women in 1950s Japan. Beautiful, heartbreaking, good characters, real. Amazingly well done for a student film. Make more, we will watch them all! 2 ({}) ({})'s.
Natives (short)
Despite the shaky camera work and the fact that we hid underneath our shawls with embarrassment for most of the film, we liked it. Two lesbians, one Native American, go to visit the Native American woman's parents. White girlfriend proceeds to say every wrong, stereotypical, romanticized thing she's read in books (or her Intro to World Religions class). It is very anxiety-inducing to watch, but real, as dumb white girls like this say stupid shit all the time. Way to catch that in a film, NYU students. Get one of those rolly cart things for your camera next time. ({})
Do you have a cat? (short)
Cats, dogs, allergies, bad dates, Amber Benson. Cute and funny, despite the shots of gross male chest hair. ({})
Beside Her (longish short)
NA: Only one thing needs to be said about this terrible film- during a 1 minute sex-scene, there were FIVE shots of them holding hands. And yes, I counted.
IL: Let us also not forget how the entire point of the sex scene was basically to FORESHADOW the death of one of the lovers at the end. (Her hands clutch the sheets while they make the sex! Cut to her hands clutching the grass as she lays dying! Look, now her face is sweating while they make love! Cut to a shot of her sweating again ... only this time she's bloody and dying and stuff.) The only good thing about this movie was seeing "Erika Flores" during the credits and thinking that Colleen from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, might be in a lesbian short film. But alas, I was wrong. Negative ({}).
NA: Also, the moral for this film seems to be don't go jogging in dumb ass places, like on remote cliffs.
IL: Let us also not forget how the entire point of the sex scene was basically to FORESHADOW the death of one of the lovers at the end. (Her hands clutch the sheets while they make the sex! Cut to her hands clutching the grass as she lays dying! Look, now her face is sweating while they make love! Cut to a shot of her sweating again ... only this time she's bloody and dying and stuff.) The only good thing about this movie was seeing "Erika Flores" during the credits and thinking that Colleen from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, might be in a lesbian short film. But alas, I was wrong. Negative ({}).
NA: Also, the moral for this film seems to be don't go jogging in dumb ass places, like on remote cliffs.
Click (longish short)
Was supposed to be funny but was so not. Why were some of the ladies in the theater laughing? What were they watching? Also, the characters did not follow some of our #1 advice - don't say you like something just to get a date. At the end, some friends are trying to set up another on an online date with someone who says they like spanking. To try to get their friend motivated, they bring over some light bondage toys and start paddling each other over the kitchen table. No, just no. This is not how these things work- of course you're not going to like it if you do this out of the blue! You gotta work up to that stuff! Come on!
Also, there's this really disturbing part where the protagonist addresses the ass she will be practicing her spanking skillzors on: "Hello, cheeks, my name is Sara, and I'll be paddling you shortly." Or something like that. Very unsexy. Not a good idea for things to do with your gal-pals (or at least not your platonic gal-pals).
Zero ({})
Was supposed to be funny but was so not. Why were some of the ladies in the theater laughing? What were they watching? Also, the characters did not follow some of our #1 advice - don't say you like something just to get a date. At the end, some friends are trying to set up another on an online date with someone who says they like spanking. To try to get their friend motivated, they bring over some light bondage toys and start paddling each other over the kitchen table. No, just no. This is not how these things work- of course you're not going to like it if you do this out of the blue! You gotta work up to that stuff! Come on!
Also, there's this really disturbing part where the protagonist addresses the ass she will be practicing her spanking skillzors on: "Hello, cheeks, my name is Sara, and I'll be paddling you shortly." Or something like that. Very unsexy. Not a good idea for things to do with your gal-pals (or at least not your platonic gal-pals).
Zero ({})
Queen of my Dreams (short)
We loved loved it! Cute ladies, cute idea, but it was sadly way too short! For that we'll give it ({}) ({ in the hopes that she makes a longer version.
IL: This short was basically my life. Like, everything the narrator said WAS MY LIFE. It was amazing. Also, this short was neither emotionally manipulative or fucking stupid, so it kind of won at life. No clasped hands during sex - AMAZING!
We loved loved it! Cute ladies, cute idea, but it was sadly way too short! For that we'll give it ({}) ({ in the hopes that she makes a longer version.
IL: This short was basically my life. Like, everything the narrator said WAS MY LIFE. It was amazing. Also, this short was neither emotionally manipulative or fucking stupid, so it kind of won at life. No clasped hands during sex - AMAZING!
