An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.

I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).

(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)

Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.

(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.

You know how when you bought that house near Conor Kennedy (and decided to hang on to it even after you broke up) everyone freaked out on you and said you were stalking him and stuff? For lesbians, this is called U-Hauling, and it is not only totally acceptable but commonplace. No one would have been surprised at all if you were dating a lady instead of Conor and did this. You could have followed her, followed her home and people would have been supportive and brought you cookies and candles and cats and other nice housewarming presents.

While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.

(3) Last Kiss

Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.

(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina

No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.

(5) It’s All About the Process

Guess who loves to process? Lesbians. Guess who else loves to process? You. And it’s not like you don’t know it! Sistren Brambles (hereafter known as “Brambles”) did some “research” on you / was just reading about your life because she cares, and she found this gem: Of your typical relationship, you say, “It usually lasts four and a half months, and then it all just disintegrates. Then I spend, like, a year and a half mourning the loss of it.” AND NEVER LETTING GO. You and every lesbian ever, Taylor. If you dated a woman, not only would you get to touch boobs and such, you could work out your feelings BEFORE committing them to song. Imagine the possibilities.

(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT

The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”

Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.