uhMERGEncy!!!

So Not Allured has most recently experienced the horrors of (coerced) lesbian merging. Since she is still recovering from shaking and crying, I am going to help a sister out and address the serious problem of lesbian merging (whether coerced or not).

Being merged is not unlike being codependent. Some of the things that contribute to your codependence – precisely identical interests, shared circles of friends, your inability to spend an hour apart without withering and wilting away like a precious flower – are also signs that you and your ladyfriend may have merged. It’s kind of like a Venn diagram … a lady-loVenn diagram, if you know what I mean.

And so consequently there are other behaviors that are red flags for merging that are unique and special like lesbian snowflakes (how are lesbians like snowflakes? they’re cold to the touch and they melt in your mouth). Consider the following –

(1) Do you and your ladyfriend wear the same flannel shirt when you go out line-dancing at the lesbian clurb? (Bonus points if it happens entirely by accident; like, she got up to feed the cats, threw on her favorite flannel shirt, and left the house without your seeing her, and then later, you were like, hmm, what goes better with line-dancing than flannel? NOTHING).

(2) Do you find yourself saying the same things at the same time as your ladyfriend? My ladyfriend and I occasionally do this. She likes to say, “Get out of my head, Charles!” because she is a big nerd, and I find it kind of endearing, but I also recognize that these behaviors are a problem, and so I try extra hard to be contrary and make my responses unique. (Possible solution? Just disagree with everything your ladyfriend says all the time and then have hate-sex).

(3) Do you and your ladyfriend ever break out in song together? While this is a common occurrence during the soul-binding, deal-sealing act of lesbian lovemaking -- while you shelter beneath one another’s willow trees and replenish your spirit – if it happens outside the boudoir, you may have merged. (And again, while this is something that my girlfriend “Amy Ray” and I do, I know it’s a problem, y’all. We just really enjoy sharing our feelings through song, ok?)

(4) Do friends, acquaintances, or even your parents address you by the other’s name? (If you have the same name, your problems are even bigger than you realize. NEVER DO THIS. This is partly why I have changed my name to Indigo Labrys, because I have experienced this and want to avoid it in the future as I shun patriarchy itself). Or have a joint name for the entity that is your relationship? (Do you answer to this name?) (We do).

(5) Do you talk frequently about how you knew each other in past lives? Do you cry and hold each other when this happens and apologize for things that your past selves did to each other? (Xena and Gabrielle get a pass, obviously, because they are ACTUALLY two parts of the same soul and thus are ACTUALLY merged FOR REALZ).

(6) Do you look the same in photographs? Do friends confuse you for each other? I understand why this happens – your ladyfriend is hot, who wouldn’t want to look like her? – but you must take steps to avoid this. There are simple ways to do this – does your ladyfriend smile a lot in photographs? Don’t smile anymore. You can also cut off her hair when she sleeps and then use it to make friendship bracelets for your anniversary, if hair is an issue.

There are many ways in which the uniquely terrible phenomenon of lesbian merging can be experienced.

If any of these signs seem familiar, don't panic. Merging, like cars and time, can be reversed, and you can break its octopus-like hold on your life.

The solution is simple: remember that you and your girlfriend are actually different people, no matter how sad this makes you - there is no "u" or "your girlfriend" in "lesbian" - there's only an I.

Are you codependent? Or do you have to ask your lady friend?

Sistren, sometimes when you're in a relationship, it's easy to sink dangerously close to the depths of codependency. "Not I!" you may shout. "I am perfectly capable of functioning on my own! I am an independent lady, just like Beyonce!" Of course you are friend! But just in case, see how many of the following apply to you. If it's more than two or three, or you find yourself going through this list with a lady friend, you could have fallen victim to codependency. (This is similar and related thought not equal to another lesbian phenomena, u-hauling). It happens to the best of us, sistren, so we can forgive you. Now, for the list:

1. You only accept an invitation or ask a friend to hang out after checking with your lady.
2. You'd like to start a new hobby, like tennis or dream-catcher making, but want to consult your soul-mate first to see if it's a good idea
3. Choosing your job/school location based on the needs of your lady friend, who you've been dating for a whole two days now, or even like 6 months, because that's completely enough time to make important life decisions with each other
4. Converting to veganism/Atkins, etc, after a few dates (The librarian totally bought a vegan cookbook after our second date, but just explained to me that this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from codependency, as she wasn't changing her dietary habits, just showing an interest in mine. And since I benefit from her possession of said cookbook, I'm not about to argue the point)
5. Spending a night/ a few hours apart is a hardship you can't bring yourself to bear (you may claim that you don't live together, but no one is fooled)
6. Things that you used to do by yourself- exercising, shopping, bathing, meeting friends for brunch- you now only do with your lady on your arm.
7. All of your stories include your lady friend, and you utter her name every other word
8. Your interests or beliefs change quickly and for no reason other than to be in sync with your woman. "I'm totally into rock climbing now, I don't know why I used to think I was afraid of heights!"
9. You would turn down something awesome, like a ticket to see Tegan & Sarah, if your lady couldn't get a ticket too.
10. Friends start to get annoyed with you because they never see you alone anymore, and you won't shut up about your lady friend when they do see you. This can often be accompanied by a tendency to not be conscious of things that should be private and canoodle with your lady in public. Just say no ladies, no one likes seeing their friends making out. As we've said in earlier posts, teenagers are not hot, don't act like one.

There are so many examples I could list here, but you get the picture. Ladies, as easy as it may be to get sucked into the relationship vortex, don't lose your personality completely. Merging is boring. I mean come on ladies- sometimes you have to hang out by yourself for some serenity time, or hang out with your friends sans-lady so that you can talk about how awesome she is and ohmygosh she's just perfect and don't they just love her too??!!

Valentine's Gifts for your Lady Friend

Hey lady-lovin' ladies, it's Valentine's Day! And before you scream patriarchy, consumerism, and heteronormativity, don't tell me y'all don't love an excuse to eat chocolate as much as the next we'moon. If you haven't gotten your lady lovah a gift yet, fear not, I am here to advise you! Take this list to the coop/animal shelter and get your lady something that proves your love for her.

1. A new kitty or puppy. She may have 10 already, but what lady lovin' lady isn't also a pet lover in need of a new animal companion? She'll love your new child, and you can stay up tonight coming up with the perfect Xena character to name it after
2. A poem written by you! What could better show your devotion than your own words? (The Librarian totally swooned at the librarian themed poem I put in her Christmas card- wait till she sees her Valentine's card! She'll be smitten for sure!)
3. Promise rings. You may have been dating for a long time, like a month and a half, so it's surely time to proclaim your undying love. Bonus points for getting them engraved with your names/initials/date of first date.
4. A painting of your face, in a lovely frame, for her to put right beside the bed, in her office, in the hallway.
5. A book of sexy stories to read at bedtime. Lady sexy stories, of course, which involve a lot of relationship processing and angsty internal monologues. Feel free to read these dramatically to your honey, she will surely fall for your words.
6. Chocolate boobs and other lady parts, to symbolize what you really like about your lady.
7. Tickets to a Xena convention, so you can celebrate surrounded by your sistren.
8. A season pass to the local roller derby/ softball team, and matching shirts that show your loyalty to your favorite team and each other!

You  may be saying, Not Allured, what about just getting her something special that she's been wanting for awhile but wouldn't buy for herself? No no sistren, anyone can do that, you need to get your lady something that will prove without a doubt that you're a lady lovin' lady, and you love her best. 

One Night Stand = FUN night ... stand ...

So as all four of the readers of this blog know, Not Allured and I really love us some lesbian romance novels.

Lesbian romance novels are a subject that is really close to my heart. Sometimes, even closer than cats. And while lesbian romance novels open up whole new worlds of lesbian goodness in the form of Xena-ubers, shudder-inducing depictions of sexytimes (see "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit You Should Not Put in Your Vagina" and let your imagination run wild), and heartwarming tales of emotional pain had and healed, they also have develop some themes I find absolutely maddening.

Such as their inexplicable hatred of the one-night stand. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I read about a one-night stand in a lesbian romance novel that was (a) portrayed positively and (b) did not turn into an insta-relationship I still wouldn't have a single fucking dollar. It's like an unwritten rule that all lesbian romance novels mysteriously follow, kind of like when I walked into a lesbian bar for the first time and everyone started line-dancing at the exact same time for no particular reason.

In lesbian romance novels, the one-night stand functions as an opportunity for the lead alpha female (usually Xena in any of her beautiful and varied manifestations) to punish herself for her past crimes (failing to save her partner in Vietnam, that patient who died on the operating table, or when she accidentally shot her sister with a gun - whatever causes her secret pain). It's a way for her to avoid forming any sort of meaningful emotional connection because she can never let anyone get close to her ever again. And inevitably, by the end of the novel, Xena is able to realize that with the love of a good woman, she can forgive herself and move past her angst-riddled past.

Usually this happens during Xena and Gabrielle's first time, when Xena realizes that she's never known love like this before. All of those other sexytime encounters with ladies were totally devoid of meaning and they were probably just using her for her money / good looks / power anyway. (And if it's Xena, it's usually all three). Once you meet the love of your life!11! everything else falls into its proper perspective (which is to say, you realize how pointless and awful every part of your life up until this moment! is).

(If you want a visual of my face right now, it looks like this: FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE. FLAMES).

Here's the thing, though - this trend annoys me in books because it's an attitude that way too many folks in real life express. (I know, imagine that! Books have something to do with real life? This shit is CRAZY, yo). (Also, you know who you are. ::glares::). It drives me absolutely batshit crazy when people are all like, "My previous relationships were totally meaningless, except for the part where they brought us together, cuddlebunny." Or like, "I've never really loved anyone ... (dramatic pause) ... until I loved you." Because what they're really saying when they say this is "You are the love of my life. Everything else before you was a dirty, fiendish LIE!"

I call bullshit. Because, for realz, there are lots of different relationships you can have. Sometimes you have relationships with people who would have been perfect for you if you'd met at the right time. Sometimes you have relationships with people who work for you at that time and place, but they aren't your forever home. And sometimes you just have relationships with people who are absofuckinglutely insane. (And that's ok too, because then you have great stories to tell forever).

And sometimes you don't have relationships! You just have one-night stands or date someone casually or make-out with someone in the bathroom at the local lesbian club. AND THAT'S OK, TOO. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't mean you're morally vacant or emotionally stunted or incapable of forming a connection with another human being.

Why does this matter? Because seeing your relationship with your true love / partner in cat-parenting as the be-all and end-all to the exclusion of all other relationships is stupid. It leads people to jump into relationships that are wrong for them (rather than just calling a spade a spade and being like, "hey, we're hooking up! AWESOME!"). Or dismiss past relationships as invalid or pointless (you learn all the time, lesbos. Even when you don't want to). And to see monogamous couplings as the kind of holy grail of the queer experience, which is limiting and maybe not everyone's cup of herbal Woman's Moon Cycle tea.

So, to reiterate: one-night stands are totally ok. Go forth and make love in this club, lesbros.