uhMERGEncy!!!

So Not Allured has most recently experienced the horrors of (coerced) lesbian merging. Since she is still recovering from shaking and crying, I am going to help a sister out and address the serious problem of lesbian merging (whether coerced or not).

Being merged is not unlike being codependent. Some of the things that contribute to your codependence – precisely identical interests, shared circles of friends, your inability to spend an hour apart without withering and wilting away like a precious flower – are also signs that you and your ladyfriend may have merged. It’s kind of like a Venn diagram … a lady-loVenn diagram, if you know what I mean.

And so consequently there are other behaviors that are red flags for merging that are unique and special like lesbian snowflakes (how are lesbians like snowflakes? they’re cold to the touch and they melt in your mouth). Consider the following –

(1) Do you and your ladyfriend wear the same flannel shirt when you go out line-dancing at the lesbian clurb? (Bonus points if it happens entirely by accident; like, she got up to feed the cats, threw on her favorite flannel shirt, and left the house without your seeing her, and then later, you were like, hmm, what goes better with line-dancing than flannel? NOTHING).

(2) Do you find yourself saying the same things at the same time as your ladyfriend? My ladyfriend and I occasionally do this. She likes to say, “Get out of my head, Charles!” because she is a big nerd, and I find it kind of endearing, but I also recognize that these behaviors are a problem, and so I try extra hard to be contrary and make my responses unique. (Possible solution? Just disagree with everything your ladyfriend says all the time and then have hate-sex).

(3) Do you and your ladyfriend ever break out in song together? While this is a common occurrence during the soul-binding, deal-sealing act of lesbian lovemaking -- while you shelter beneath one another’s willow trees and replenish your spirit – if it happens outside the boudoir, you may have merged. (And again, while this is something that my girlfriend “Amy Ray” and I do, I know it’s a problem, y’all. We just really enjoy sharing our feelings through song, ok?)

(4) Do friends, acquaintances, or even your parents address you by the other’s name? (If you have the same name, your problems are even bigger than you realize. NEVER DO THIS. This is partly why I have changed my name to Indigo Labrys, because I have experienced this and want to avoid it in the future as I shun patriarchy itself). Or have a joint name for the entity that is your relationship? (Do you answer to this name?) (We do).

(5) Do you talk frequently about how you knew each other in past lives? Do you cry and hold each other when this happens and apologize for things that your past selves did to each other? (Xena and Gabrielle get a pass, obviously, because they are ACTUALLY two parts of the same soul and thus are ACTUALLY merged FOR REALZ).

(6) Do you look the same in photographs? Do friends confuse you for each other? I understand why this happens – your ladyfriend is hot, who wouldn’t want to look like her? – but you must take steps to avoid this. There are simple ways to do this – does your ladyfriend smile a lot in photographs? Don’t smile anymore. You can also cut off her hair when she sleeps and then use it to make friendship bracelets for your anniversary, if hair is an issue.

There are many ways in which the uniquely terrible phenomenon of lesbian merging can be experienced.

If any of these signs seem familiar, don't panic. Merging, like cars and time, can be reversed, and you can break its octopus-like hold on your life.

The solution is simple: remember that you and your girlfriend are actually different people, no matter how sad this makes you - there is no "u" or "your girlfriend" in "lesbian" - there's only an I.