Friday, October 11, 2013

Book Review: How Sweet It Is - Melissa Brayden


How Sweet It Is – Melissa Brayden

Confession: I read a lot of lesbian romance novels. My college thesis advisor introduced me to Radclyffe’s books (I think Love’s Tender Warriors) but it wasn’t until my dissertation picked up that I started reading lesbian romance novels all the goddamn time. And of the metric ton of lesbian romances I’ve read, Melissa Brayden’s How Sweet It Is was easily one of my favorites to read. (This is saying something, because while I love lesbian romance novels, I am often critical of them – please stop with the insta-marriage, baby-stealing, and sex scenes that involve touching each other’s souls!)

I’d read Brayden’s first novel, Waiting in the Wings (about a Broadway hopeful! Lesbian Love, The Musical!) when it came out, and thought it was solid at the time (the first half of the novel is especially good – Brayden takes a risk that doesn’t quite work for me in the second half of the book, but you should read it anyway). So I was looking forward to seeing how Brayden had changed as a writer, and spoiler alert – she was good two years ago, but she is much, much better now. The dialogue in How Sweet It Is is genuinely funny and sweet, the characters are well-written and mostly consistent, and, best of all, Brayden is far, far away from uber-Xena territory. (You know where this is, even if you haven’t been there yourself; you can recognize uber-Xena from a distance because her glacial-blue eyes are burning into your soul … blue like the bluest flame, setting your heart and pants on fire. Ahem.)

So Brayden is an even better writer than she used to be, and she starts How Sweet It Is with a real problem: can town sweetheart and baking whiz Molly O’Brien fall in love with her dead wife’s younger sister (and all-around badass) Jordan? (Obviously, the answer is “yes;” the real problem is whether Brayden can make their relationship work for the reader.) It’s a question for romance novels in general – no character emerges from a vacuum, so how do you deal with your characters’ past relationships and specifically, the ways that your protagonists use their past relationships to make sense of their new ones. If you’re a sloppy writer, it usually goes something like this: my past girlfriends were the worst and I’d never known true happiness until that night we kissed in the moonlight and our souls and bodies touched for the very first time. It’s an easy fix, although an unsatisfying one.

Brayden can’t do this, though, because the first relationship in question is with Jordan’s older sister Cassie, who tragically dies in a plane crash four years before the book begins; throwing Cassie under the bus doesn’t make sense because both Molly (town sweetheart) and Jordan (badass who’s been MIA for years) are still very much mourning her loss. So Brayden, in a way, has to sell two romances: in order to sympathize with Molly’s grief over Cassie’s death, we have to know what she’s lost; we also have to root for Molly and Jordan without minimizing the impact of Cassie’s death on both their lives (and without being creeped out by their relationship). It’s a delicate balance to strike, but Brayden makes it work, I think.

This in part due to how well Brayden writes Molly and Jordan. (It’s also helped by the following: the fact that Jordan has been MIA since Cassie’s funeral, that Jordan is as different from Cassie as two sisters can be, and that Jordan and Molly have a pre-existing friendship outside their shared love for Cassie. If Brayden weren’t a good writer, though, these alone would not be enough to make the relationship work for me.) Molly is hugely sympathetic – she’s processing her wife’s death (I cried salty tears, for real), she’s trying to keep her failing bakeshop open (curse you, Starbucks!), she’s dealing with her father’s poor health, and she’s also dealing with the possibility that she might lose the support of her in-laws if they find out she’s in love with their other daughter, too.

Jordan is also engaging and dynamic, but she’s more of an enigma than Molly is – she seems to struggle less with the weirdness of dating Molly, and was way, way more accommodating of Molly’s hesitation than the situation demanded. This is to say, she always seems to get why Molly’s backing off, even when Molly doesn’t, and maybe it’s that she’s had more practice in loving Molly while Molly’s affection for Jordan is still very much in process, but. Her motivations were also at times less clear to me. For example, she does the horrible romance novel thing where she ends the relationship to be noble and shit: “She could do for Molly what Molly couldn’t do for herself. Because Molly was too noble, too loyal to look out for her own needs. But Jordan could do that for her.” And: argh, Jordan! You need to trust that the person you’re in a relationship with is an adult. Who can make her own decisions. Leave a relationship if you’re unhappy, but don’t frame it as protecting the other person. /endrant. And because Jordan is – up until this point – super communicative about what she needs and wants, this seemed weird to me.

I also wanted more information about Jordan’s relationship with her parents. Partly this was because their transformation from “we are super creeped out” to “we are now willing to help Molly get her girl!” was way too fast for me. I was like, hmm, when last we met, parents, you were berating Jordan for always being jealous of Cassie and trying to get everything Cassie had. Now you just want those two crazy kids to be happy. I know parents just don’t understand, but come on. That was a pretty dramatic shift – and I also wanted a peek into Jordan’s headspace given the fact that her parents are really effing awful to her.

(There is this really sad moment when – after Molly and Jordan have been caught macking it by Jordan’s parents – Jordan understands Molly’s distress at losing the affection of the in-laws who think she’s perfect and wonderful and can do no wrong. And it’s sad because it’s also clear that these same parents never felt this way about Jordan. I wanted to hug her. But, also, another real reason to learn more about Jordan’s feelings here is because this could potentially be a source of conflict in her future relationship with Molly, it seems to me, and it gets kinda swept under the table.)

Anyway. The wonderful parts of this book are Molly and Jordan’s interactions, though. They’re fun together. For example, after they first kiss and there are feels, Molly finds Jordan and says, “How are you this morning, Jordan? I trust you’re well,” and we are treated to the following: “I trust you’re well? Were they now characters in a Jane Austen novel and she’s failed to be notified? Since when did they speak so formally to each other? Oh, this didn’t bode well. ‘I’m fine. Just a little worried about the fact that you’re talking to me like we’re at high tea.’” So good.

And as readers, we get to watch the sort of casual affection Molly and Jordan have for each other develop into a playful and loving relationship. It’s really wonderful. There are scenes in the book that made me feel like I was actually watching a relationship develop. For example, there is this great moment when, in a post-coital conversation, Molly asks Jordan what she’d do if stranded on a desert island, and Jordan says, “Perfect the great American cartwheel. No question. You?” And then when Molly says, “Your cartwheel, while festive, won’t keep you alive,” Jordan goes into this delightful little nonsensical rant about how she’s going to be the mayor of cartwheels and get the key to Cartwheel City and how Molly can visit some day if she wants. And this a great moment because it’s the sort of silliness that real relationships have tons of but is tragically underrepresented in romance novels.

This, I think, was the real draw of How Sweet It Is for me – what I like about the book is that while it is a sweet love story, it also acknowledges and skillfully navigates the difficult emotional realities of its protagonists. While Jordan initially wants Molly to see her for herself (i.e., without thinking about Cassie), I think both Molly and Jordan learn to be comfortable with the fact that they can build a relationship in light of their shared loss, rather than in despite of it. 

So, sistren, this book doesn't come out until November 18, but you should read it when it does. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Homestead- a review

Homestead, by Radclyffe, one of myfave authors, follows her typical romance novel format. And if it ain't broke, why fix it, right? Her usual pattern is a somewhat mysterious, super butch woman with dark hair, an awesome job/great wealth, and family issues meets another lady (not necessarily femme, but not as butch as the other one). After some conflict and angst, followed by processing, they have some amazing sexy times and live happily ever after. They declare no love is like their love, no one makes them feel as complete/soul bonded/ like a natural woman so much as the new love of their life. In this particular novel, Clay-- the super butch lady-- works for an oil company (NorthAm) and her love interest Tess is an organic dairy farmer, which is different from her typical surgeon/vet/romance novelist protagonists.

The plot flows along at a nice pace, and her sex scenes are pretty good with a lot of cheesiness, but no gross, cringe-worthy descriptions of lady parts. My favorite ridiculous quote is this: "The subtle rise of Clay's knuckles and the valleys between her tendons reminded Tess of the rolling countryside around her, enduring and endlessly beautiful." Oh man, can it get sillier than that? I think not. Try saying this to your lady friend and tell us how it goes!

But... there were some issues with this novel that made it less enjoyable than usual. And I'm now worrying about Radclyffe's political inclinations. For this reason, I'm giving it 3 ({})'s out of 5. (Hey, I do still love a Radclyffe romance- she was my first!)

Stop here if you don't like spoilers...the come back after you read to see if you agree with me. 

So issue #1: the main characters had a summer romance when they were 18 that was cut short by parental intervention. It is now FIFTEEN years later, and they have been apparently holding a slow-burning torch for each other all that time. For fif.teen.years. Um, sorry Radclyffe, but women in their mid-thirties who've never had a real relationship because they can't get over their teen summer love have serious issues. This is not cute or romantic, it's just sad. It'd be one thing if they had a thing in their youth, led separate healthy, happy, and fulfilled personal lives and THEN came back together, but this was not the case.

Issue 2: Is Radclyffe an environment-hating Republican? Cause it really seems that way, and it makes me sad when my sistren consort with the enemy. My reason for this question is Clay finds herself in Tess' community because her company (really her father's company) wants to start fracking on her land. Of course, Tess and neighbors are upset by this. Clay encourages them to hire an independent consultant to do tests assessing the risks. They seem to be down with this plan, but then no hiring of an independent consultant every occurs! Some super shallow plot devices happen to both bring Tess and Class together, and make Tess OK with fracking. 1) Clay tells her they'll be careful. Yep, that's pretty much it. Would that convince any of our readers? 2) A domineering male neighbor pretends to be against it, but is really holding out for more money. Once he signs a deal, the fracking can just occur on his land, and Tess's is free of wells! Hoo-rah! That will totally work to make her land toxin-free! 3) Another annoying male (see the pattern here?) who has a thing for Tess sabotages Clay's work site, bringing the two together. 4) Clay and Tess realize their evil dads are to blame for separating them as teens, and Clay's dad is the one pushing this drill site, not her, so she just gets to play the messenger. WTH, Radclyffe? It's clear you really think fracking is fine and dandy. Did you sign a deal with the real-life version of NorthAm?

This whole fracking thing is just so problematic. Tess, as described in the beginning of the novel, would not have given in like this without getting her own assessments of the situation. Instead, Clay just reassures her that she's a good person, Tess wants her hot body, forgets her concerns for her farm, and they decide to live happily ever after. This also doesn't make sense for Clay, as before she seemed chained to her dad's will (even though she's in her 30s- these ladies' maturity level is seriously lacking), but all of a sudden decides it will be fine to insta-marry Tess, the girl of her teenage dreams. Ick.

And that brings me to issue #3: Daddy issues. This is not  new trope for Radclyffe, but it's never bothered me as much. In another novel, whose title I am forgetting, a hot surgeon is slave to her Dad's will, as she's in residency and he's like the biggest hot-shot surgeon of them all. This kind of makes sense as med students are kinda slaves to the system until they're done with their residency (I think I'm using the right term- but you get what I mean.) But in this one, Clay never manages a successful relationship, and doesn't even try, all because her dad split up she and Tess as teens cause Tess' dad was being an ass about it. Um, I'm sorry, but since she's in her mid-thirties now this is just not going to fly. The dad character is also flatter than usual, because they only interact briefly on the phone, so he's kinda like The Claw in Inspector Gadget or something. And of course there are step-Daddy issues for Tess, but he's conveniently dead. And also a jerk. What we learn is that all dudes are terrible, controlling, manipulative assholes, so then you are left with no choice but to just accept what your less manipulative hot girlfriend says and live happily ever after.

Our advice for these ladies, or real-life ladies who want to follow their examples:

  1. Don't pine for your teen love forever. I mean, there is no need to follow the child marriage proposing girl's lead from NC pride. So, so wrong.
  2. If you and your lady disagree on moral and ethical issues, these should be sorted out BEFORE you decide to shack up. Enjoy each other's company as you will, but make sure you can compromise (the real kind of compromise- not like the current Republicans who shut down the government and claim it's cause the Dems won't play nice) on the important stuff before you try to make this soul bond last forever. 
  3. Buck up and quit taking orders from Daddy. You're not a royal or a Huntsberger- choose your own destiny. Just not the one that makes you sound desperate/insane/emotionally stunted. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Book Review: Aspen Meadows, by Mila Kerr

Sistren, we have an exciting announcement to make: we are going to start reviewing lesbian romance novels from time to time! YAY!!! This combines several of our favorite things: lesbian romance novels, judging things, and commenting on stupid relationship choices! Woohoo! Because some people think that their lives should be like a romance novel, and we're here to tell you that that is never going to happen. And now, on to the review! (This comes to you courtesy of Not Allured, but the review that follows is by Indigo Labrys).

IL: And I want to be very clear about the fact that I NEVER WANT MY LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS "ROMANCE NOVEL." My subtitle for Aspen Meadows is Aspen Meadows: From Kiss to Cult. I'm sorry this is so long, but on the bright side, now you never have to read this book.

Aspen Meadows - Mila Kerr


I received a copy of this book through NetGalley. Because it affected how I read this book, I think it is worthwhile to mention that it was categorized there as a lesbian romance, not as lesbian erotica, and heads-up – if you are looking for a lesbian romance, I might look elsewhere. If you are interested in f/f erotica with some D/s elements, welcome.

The premise of this book is really intriguing. Lesbian love in a planned community (::cough:: commune!) styled after 19th-century America and focused on family values? I’ll bite. Tell me more about the crazies who are building this town and why anyone who self-identifies as a lesbian would want to live in it, please! 


Unfortunately, this never really comes through in the book. The world building in Aspen Meadows could have been much stronger. It’s an interesting idea for a book that goes … absolutely nowhere. I mean, yes, they live in a crazy 19th-century style town, and it has the appropriate trappings (she has to learn how to start a fire! The word “dowry” is used, albeit incorrectly! Someone mentions bears!), but there’s nothing that really establishes why all these crazies want to relocate here, why *precisely* an open lesbian would be allowed to lead this rag-tag bunch of misfits, and what the actual realities or hardships of trying to turn back time are like. 


The same is true of the character development. We’re given seemingly contradictory information about Luna from the start; at the novel’s opening, she “told fortunes, possessed visions of the future, and swindled the average Joe. As scheming and dishonest as it may be, she convinced people she was gifted in a spiritual way.” So, she’s using people for her own financial gain and is relatively successful at it. Check. But then, a few pages later: “They wanted it [her spiritual advice] all for free, and Luna usually didn’t have it in her to push the hard sale. … Luna tried her best to give them their money’s worth. She didn’t see it as a con. She saw it as a way to give them hope.” So, I’m fine with either of these – (a) con artist with crystals or (b) soft-hearted hippie – as a basis for someone’s character, but I need to know which it is. 


Then there’s the problem of her relationship with Rylie. Even if (worst case scenario) Luna is a heartless con artist, I still wanted her to stay far away from Rylie. Here is a brief summary of the initial phases of their romance: they meet; Rylie tells Luna to stay away from her niece or else; Luna responsibly communicates this to Jade, Rylie’s niece, when she next appears at Luna’s shop; Rylie comes back, drags Luna into her truck, and starts the make-outs; heated passion ensues; Jade continues to see Luna; Rylie threatens to sue Luna and take away everything; Luna shows up at Rylie’s house, they make out, Rylie drops the law-suit and says, “Hey, so I need a caretaker for Jade, want to drop everything and move to this weird 19th-century community I’ve been planning? It’s not a cult (just an tiny little ranch without “television, media, corporations, technology, and all the things that muddle with today” that will “bring back the purity of long ago”), and I’m not going to kill you in the woods, but I need to explore this passion between us!” 


And Luna says “yes.” WTF, girl? Run away from the crazy, not towards it with open arms! (And yes, I get it’s that her passion for Luna makes her crazy, but I don’t want her to be an actual threat to Luna. That is unsexy to me.)


So their relationship really confused me. I think part of the reason for this is that hey, this isn’t actually a lesbian romance, it’s more about the sexytimes, so character development gets shortchanged. Fine. What the erotica wants to establish instead of character, I think, is a power dynamic between the two leads, and this is where the story very quickly goes. 


And let’s be clear, the power dynamic here is not in Luna’s favor. She has basically signed up for a D/s relationship without … any of the actual signing-up. I’m fine with Rylie and Luna engaging in a D/s relationship, but I want a clear articulation of both the rules and Luna’s consent to those rules. Instead, we get this:


Rylie: You read your welcome packet, right? This is old-timey America, and even though we don’t have corporations, you realize I’m technically your boss, right?


Luna: I understand that you want things “like the way they were.” (Again, a bad choice, but I get that she’s consenting to old-timey America. What is she NOT consenting to, though? See as follows).


Rylie: COOL. Welp, just so you know, you can never leave this house until I feel it’s safe. There are dangers. Like … poison ivy. And bears. 


Luna: WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, but I’m so turned on right now.


This very much sets the tone for their interactions. There’s a power dynamic at play! Rylie mentions she has demands and expectations, Luna’s all like, “Well, show me, girl!” and they make it. If the demands were just sexy-time demands, I’d be fine; Luna is pretty actively consenting to the sexin’. However, because their power dynamic is a quality of their relationship in general, I had serious issues with the fact that the rules aren’t clear for Luna from the beginning. And that sometimes, this means she gets unfairly punished. 


Let’s go to the tape, folks. For example, that time Luna rushes into a burning barn to save Rylie and maybe some animals who are there. Rylie is really upset about this – even though she does the same thing by rushing in to save Luna – and says, “It’s my job to protect you, care for you … it’s also my job to make sure you never do something so foolish again.” Rylie proceeds to berate Luna for rushing into a burning barn, but she’s also simultaneously initiating sexual intimacies with Luna, coupling a verbal punishment with a sexual one. (Luna is game for the sexy-times, but her sexual punishment is about being disciplined for breaking rules she didn’t know she was breaking at the time. Unfair.)


Also, Rylie says, “You’re lucky to be alive and not have any injuries. You could have been burned.” Buuuuuut then she begins introducing Luna to the pleasures of anal sex and says, “But after tonight, you’ll definitely feel a burn.” WHAT. THE. FUCK. The emphasis there is not even mine, let me be clear.


Let’s rephrase this.


Luna: I almost died in a fire!

Rylie: Did I hear you say “fire”? Just WAIT until I set your ASS ON FIRE.

And then Rylie proceeds to do just that. And again, let me be clear, I am not kink-shaming here, but I do want to question the use of language that recalls Luna’s near escape with death. Here is how that language functions for me as a reader as a result: it is the equivalent of watching Luna rush into that burning barn while seductively screaming, “Did somebody here order a pizza?” Because that is how that scene functions.


So those are my thoughts on Aspen Meadows. It is not a terribly good romance novel, but that is mostly because it isn’t a romance. As erotica goes, it was not for me, in that consent for me is dependent on knowing what precisely it is that I’m consenting to, and I don’t really think Luna does in the beginning. (She gets there at the end, though.) And here is another thing - while I was reading, I had two sneaking suspicions: one, that this had been originally written as a het novel, and two, that this het relationship was a clearer D/s. (Clearer because a male-protagonist’s desire for a 19th-century lifestyle complete with 19th-century morals is going to involve a desire for a different articulation of gender roles than a female-protagonist’s desire for a 19th-century lifestyle; it’s more clear what “old-fashioned” morals are going to look like for a heterosexual couple than a homosexual one.)


My suspicions that this was originally a het novel: there’s nothing about either Rylie or Luna that indicates any sort of established lesbian identity. (There’s one scene where they fight about it.) Not that this is a thing I need for a lesbian romance novel, but lesbian romance novels usually involve some focus on identity development, and that just wasn’t here. Rylie read (to me) as someone who had been written initially as a heterosexual dude and who was changed into a lesbian in a later draft. And, as it happens, I’m pretty sure this is actually what happened; the author’s alter ego (which she is very open about, so I don’t think this is a secret by any means) published a book earlier this year which is … basically the same as this book. (http://www.amazon.com/Of-Yesterday-eb...).


I found this out by reading through Alta Hensley’s (alter ego!) blog and seeing an excerpt that mentioned a character going for a night-time run (something that struck me as a particularly unlikely thing to do in Aspen Meadows, so I was surprised to see another character in a separate novel also go for a midnight run by shimmying out of her bedroom window on a sheet ladder). I’m posting a link to that here (http://altahensley.com/2013/02/love-s...). The scene is kinda the same thing, and from what I can tell, these books are remarkably similar. 


Again, not a problem, because people can do what they like, though it does strike me as slightly disingenuous. Using the word “pussy” a lot + scraping off the male pronouns from your het BDSM does not a lesbian romance novel make. But I do think that the comparison helps to articulate some of the problems I had with the book – mostly, why some of the work around consent in a D/s relationship is unclear to me & why it didn’t really feel like a lesbian romance & why the world-building really needed some work for me (like why the hell two lesbians would fantasize about a return to family values).


I didn’t really like the book, but people who like f/f erotica might.


In other news, I didn’t think the writing was particularly good (“the truck smelled like country charm, causing desire and arousal to build inside of Luna’s body;” “she wanted to feel and taste and bathe in Rylie’s sexual essence”), though, nor did I really understand Luna and Rylie’s relationship. I was also mildly creeped out by Jade’s sudden transformation from broken manic-pixie dream-girl to mature adult woman, but this was the least of my problems.

Don't Speak Now


Last week, we brought you a horrifying tale about heterosexual marriage. Today we have a differently terrible tale: while that unfortunate, beautiful heterosexual woman is laboring away, only 120 sandwiches away from a proposal, two queer teenagers have beaten her to the punch.

A little backstory: this past weekend was Pride. Not Allured, Amandapanda, and I were watching the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus sing a few Broadway standards, including “Seize the Day” from Newsies and “Seasons of Love” from Rent. As the chorus peppily taught us how to measure, measure a year – in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in cups of coffee?? – we noticed a group of teenagers on our left holding hands and swaying to the music.  Their hippie love-in continued to grow in size; it was unclear if they were trapping random passers-by or if, alternately, they were all gathering there for some dark purpose.

After the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus finished their rendition of “Seasons of Love,” the MC appeared to tell us that we were about to witness a FIRST for NC Pride. My sistren and I were intrigued. We had already experienced a crushing disappointment when we discovered that Bold Strokes Books and D. Jackson Leigh were mysteriously absent from this year’s Pride festivities, and that consequently, our readerly souls would be neither barebacked nor touched gently by lesbians and telekinetic horses. Maybe this promised event would help us deal with the loss of cheesy lesbian romance novels, and we could start the healing process …

Instead, our hopes were crushed, not unlike the time I saw Real-Life Amy Ray at the Pinhook and she failed to recognize our soulbond. This, however, was far worse. We watched in horror as the hippie love-in moved forward, a writhing mass of rainbows and hormones, and unfolded in a straight line in front of the stage. A perky teenager bounced up on the stage, took the mike, and proceeded to PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO HER GIRLFRIEND.

Amandapanda, Not Allured, and I turned to each other with expressions of unspeakable horror. As the proposal continued – “can’t imagine living without you” – “you’re the love of my life” – we struggled to make sense of the brave new world in which we suddenly found ourselves. What kind of crazy place was this? How long had they been dating? Weren’t they in high school? This was almost just like that time Not Allured’s former student contacted her to inquire about the wisdom of getting her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her body, BUT CRAZIER.

So we have some concerns we’d like to address here. Baby queers: we know that love is a many splendor’d battlefield that lifts you up, YOU ARE ONLY IN HIGH SCHOOL (or like, early college. Maybe). There are still hundreds (or dozens) of people you haven’t had sex with (or held hands with) yet. You are also young and stupid. Your prefrontal cortex has not finished developing, which is why you do things like listen to One Direction and take endless selfies in the bathroom and go skinny-dipping in shark-infested waters. You are still learning how to have feelings and not be terrible human beings; you are still learning how to drive, speak a foreign language, sneak out of your bedroom without getting caught, and drink responsibly. You are still learning about yourself. You cannot possibly know whether you are ready to take on the incredible burden of loving someone else FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

Please listen to your sistren, who are older and wiser and have read many romance novels about high school romances that never fade that nevertheless seem like absolutely terrible relationships for sane people to be in. 

As Taylor Swift says, while Not Allured and I are not the kind of girls who should be rudely barging in on a white-veil occasion, you, my sweet sweet baby gays, are NOT the kind of girls who should be marrying anyone at all - because you're only sixteen, guys. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

300... Cats? Or why sistren-hood is so much better than straight-hood

Sistren, have you seen the news blowing up the interwebs, about a poor straight sistren trying to get her loser boyfriend to put a ring on it via sandwich? If not, check out this article, and prepare to be horrified. Basically, the loser boyfriend made some flippant douchey comment about her being 300 sandwiches away from a marriage proposal, and she took this as a challenge. There are so many things wrong with this, but we trust that our sistren can figure this out for themselves. As probably can most humans beyond the age of, oh, let's say 5, who have some basic understanding that relationships should be built on love and trust and not insane, asshole-ish requests.

One of Not Allured's school pals suggested we blog about it, and unlike a challenge of making 300 sandwiches to which we would never acquiesce, we decided we were up for this one.

A big take away from this article is this: if there were any better reason to embrace your sistren-ness/ abandon the drudgery of heteronormative marriage pressures, we have yet to see one. What could be more ridiculous/insulting/less relevant to a successful long-term relationship than having to make 300 sandwiches, especially when some are deemed only to count as a quarter of a sandwich? Or others are dismissed because they contain things the recipient had neglected to mention were on their forbidden foods list? While it is of course nice to take your special friend's likes and dislikes into consideration, there is a big difference between being considerate and being a doormat. So come one come all, ladies of marriageable age, we embrace you whether or not you a) want to get married, or b) can make us a sandwich.

But wait, you may be saying, what if I WANT to woo my special queer lady friend/boi with something, but they don't like sandwiches? What is a queer lady to do in this time of crisis? Especially one who wants to have an anti-wedding/ queer love celebration before aging out of my sperm donor pregnancy/ co-adoption/ peak pet parenting years?

Well fear not, sistren, as always we are hear to help you! Let us suggest alternate projects to woo your soul mate. Try one of these, and let us know how it goes!

  1. 300 cats. It is a scientifically-proven fact that there is little queer ladies love more than cats! Show her you care by adopting 300 kittens! Though you may need to go to multiple shelters to get this many/ buy a bigger country home to house them all, it will be worth it!

    2. 300 flavors of kombucha. It's healthy, it's delicious, you can make it together, and it says crunchy granola love!

    3. 300 flannel shirts. Let's kick it old school and go with a classic lesbian fashion item! Even better, make it 600 so you and your special lady can match!!

    4. 300 pairs of outdoor sandals that can be worn on any occasion! I personally am a fan of Chacos and Keens, but I know some of my sistren love their Birks and Tevas.

    5. 300 serenades (preferably with a guitar or banjo, but a boombox "Say Anything" style will do) to the queer lady singer/songwriter of your choice. If you are new to sistren-hood and don't know who that means, may I suggest the classic Indigo Girls. There's also Brandi Carlisle, Tegan and Sara for a more pop-ish sound, or our personal favorite, Chris Pureka. (SWOON! I'd totally say yes to you Chris! What is your favorite sandwich??)

    Do you have suggestions for what 300 things would get your lady to the Domestic Partner alter? Let us know in the comments!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

To See or Not To See (Lesbian Movies)

Sistren, for the second year in a row the two of us have volunteered at our local Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. We love this volunteer gig for many reasons, such as:
  • we get movie passes to go see queer films!!
  • we get to people-watch all the queers!
  • to go with the above, we make our own bingo! (which IL has won the past 3 times- cheater) (IL: I am not a cheater. I'm just way better at bingo than you are, i.e. highly observant and lucky. Also, you were thwarted by "mullets" and "merging" - as are we all on occasion, my friend). 
  • we get to judge both the people AND the movies!
  • we get to process all our feelings every time we watch a movie!
  • we get to hang out a bunch!
  • as ticket-takers, we get to say fun things like, "My entrance is most popular!" as Not Allured naively claimed last year. This year, however, she has had some ... stiff competition, if you will. 
  • we get to educate other volunteers (in addition to the whole world, obviously) on the power of sistrenhood. For example, this year a misguided volunteer asked Not Allured and me how long w'd been dating, presumably since we were volunteering together. We quickly corrected her and, I would like to think, demonstrated that sistrenhood is mighty. Look, other queer ladies! you can have friends you just have fun with! Life isn't like The L Word!
  • this may just be me, Indigo Labrys, but I also enjoy having the opportunity to nag other humans and have it legitimized by my official volunteer t-shirt. "No, ma'am, you *cannot* enter this theatre - you have tickets for an entirely different movie." "Excuse me, sir, but Cinema Two is *that* way." "Pardon me, miss, but I think your head may be stuck up your ass (you fucking pretentious hipster)." AHHH. FEELINGS.
Gayness, judging things, processing, hanging out? It's our dream come true!

Because we have seen 8 movies (including 2 compilations of shorts) over the past week, we thought we'd share some very short reviews with you. Cause have you noticed how no one wants to say gay  movies are bad? Haven't we gotten to the point where we don't have to pretend they're all great? We think so, anyway. To rate them, we will be giving them 0, 1, 2, or more ({})'s.

Who's Afraid of Vagina Woolf? (feature length film) 
Smart, funny, makes fun of hipsters, Guinevere Turner impersonating Elizabeth Taylor, vagina costume, features a cat vest, is also a really interesting movie about making queer movies. Also Guin Turner as Elizabeth Taylor is maybe my new favorite thing ever.  It needed to be said again. (Maybe Not Allured will forgive her for Go Fish now?) (Not a chance.) (It's ok; since she was involved with the script for Breaking the Girls, she's back on my shit-list.)

We give this all the ({})'s! Loved it! Go see it right now! Will be buying on DVD! And looking for that vagina costume to wear in the bedroom for Halloween this year.

Reaching for the Moon. (feature length film) 
We'd like to suggest this alternate title: "Reaching for a Plot."

NA: Obviously, this had a huge, huge budget as the costumes and sets were beautiful. It even had good actresses. But someone never matured from the elementary school way of using metaphors. And it seemed like it went on forever. And, all of the characters were completely insufferable. For a movie about a poet, it had a complete lack of verbal artistry. No ({})'s for this one. Do yourself a favor and skip it. Not Allured tried to process it with The Librarian (who did not see the film), who told her to go talk to Indigo Labrys about it and get over it already. (We are still processing our feelings about this film, mainly of rage, anger, and disappointment).

IL: I need to write up separate feelings for this because, as they say in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (a favorite from last year), I have BIG FEELINGS. My biggest gripe is that this was a movie about a poet and yet it fails to really engage Bishop's poetry. Imagine all the interesting things they could have done with her work. Did you do it? Good. Now throw all of them out the window like they're a zebra-patterned ottoman with hot pink trim. Instead we receive lots of shots of her wandering around some trees muttering to herself. And the film is framed by "One Art." Argh. Additionally, as my sistren Not Allured notes, the film seems to be really worried that a movie about Elizabeth Bishop might be just too hard for people to understand. So instead, each plot point is hammered home with heavy-handed symbolism. Did someone just die? ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. A SYMBOLIC TOY BOAT SINKS BENEATH THE WATER. Why not just put a raven in there and make it croak "Nevermore"? Also, they use my least favorite thing ever: storm outside = storm inside (their hearts). Think of The Notebook. When they are all "I wrote you 365 days!" "I didn't get any of your letters!" "I'm so mad, girl, I just want you to sex you up in this storm." Actually, this movie had a lot in common with The Notebook.

I Am Divine (feature length documentary) 
NA: Touching, funny, raunchy, and a tear-jerker all wrapped in a fabulous package. Two bedazzled ({})  ({})'s up!

IL: Yeah, this was good. I didn't know anything about Divine, although I have seen Hairspray at the encouragement of another sistren.

Chastity Bites  (feature length film)
Not Allured: I (and The Librarian, who actually came to see this one too) thought this was silly and fun and enjoyed it. Elizabeth Bathory teaching an abstinence-only sex ed program so she can pray on young virgins? Loved it! My favorite scene was the principal's death scene. True the main girl could have been gayer for a gay film festival, and her boyfriend looked super gay, but I am willing to overlook these elements for some mindless fun. I give it one ({}).

IL: So I didn't enjoy this at. all. I'm not really sure why, but I think it is probably along these lines: I get that the movie is trying to spoof the pathologization of non-normative sexualities in different texts - how the vampire becomes associated with non-normative bodies and desires (so, both the trope of the lesbian vampire in literature and film, i.e., Carmilla, but also how the historical record about Bathory herself might be colored by the threat she posed to social norms at the time). So the film does an ok job of spoofing this - there's a lot of campiness surrounding both Liz Batho's lesbianism / vampirism (she is an equal-opportunity seductress / murderer of young girls, MILFs, and cat-ladies) and the fact that the heterosexual teenage protagonists are the only ones capable of eradicating that threat. I'm just not sure that the movie goes beyond merely spoofing these things to any sort of sustained criticism? (NA: It didn't, but I didn't care. I watched this with the same mindset I watch shows on ABC Family- expecting no criticism at all, just mindless entertainment). 

Also, I didn't think it was very funny. Because I am a humorless feminist. (NA: True. I think IL's English dissertating is preventing her from enjoying things for their own sake.)

Breaking the Girls  (feature length film)
IL: I don't even know how to begin to describe how batshit insane this film is. We had received mixed reviews prior to seeing its insanity for ourselves; one group of friends thought it was totally deranged, and another group of volunteers strongly recommended it. Needless to say, we chose our friends well, because they were absolutely correct about this film. It was crazysauce, and I don't know that I can say much about it besides the following: this movie is about making bad decisions. Seeing this movie is one of these bad decisions.

On the other hand, Madeline Zima (who was in The Nanny; don't lie, you know you watched it) makes the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Her crazy eyes are amazing. I feel like she knows the film is insane and maybe it doesn't make sense to her either but she commits to the crazy 100%. She is ON BOARD that crazy train.

Rating: It doesn't get any ({}) because that's way too good for this film. Instead, it gets ONE crazy-face :-O.

NA: I only  have to add, "stop trying to make all the plot twists happen. They're never gonna happen."

Ok I actually have more feelings. So like, Nina, had sex with her step dad? Her half-sister's dad? Or something? Messed up. Also, like duh, he wouldn't remember he had a step kid named Janine, and maybe that's the same person as Nina? And a daughter named Sarah? WTF? This movie made NONE OF THE SENSE in its quest to be plot twisty. Also, it was basically like that 1 pool scene from Wild Things that everyone has seen, Swim Fan, and like Single White Female, with more gayness. And insanity. 

Heterosexual Jill (feature length film)
NA: Enjoyable, funny, maybe tried to make some commentary about everyone being obsessed with what 'box' (no pun intended) their sexuality fits in but never quite getting there. But it did make us want to see "Butch Jamie," for which this is a sequel, but you didn't need to see it to like this movie. One non-heterosexual ({})

IL: Yeah, NA already had to listen to me rant a little bit about this yesterday. (I have so many feelings all the time, sistren.) It's mostly pretty funny; I mean, one of the protagonists is a CAT ACTOR. Repeat: she is a cat. actor. So that wins.

In order to understand why I am a little peeved at this movie, here's a basic outline of the plot: Jill really wants to be straight. She's attending a support group focused on reclaiming her heterosexuality. (This is predictably gross and rightfully mocked.) Jill and Jamie used to date. Jill decides that to prove she's a Real Heterosexual (TM) she and Jamie need to date again. They do. Meanwhile, back on the farm, Butch Jamie just accidentally saw her first dick and is having fantasies about making it with dudes. She starts attending a support group based on reclaiming her lesbianism (which Jill later also ends up at, surprise surprise). I am irritated because I feel like the film creates a false equivalency between these support groups; they're both mocked equally and in ways that seem to suggest they are equally hypocritical and intolerant. (I don't think the film wants to do this, but it does IMO.) Likewise, it suggests that Jill's internalized homophobia is just like Butch Jamie's refusal to admit she's having fantasies about the peen. And these are not the same!
(NA: This is really where IL's studies in English literature raise their ugly head and make her soul even sadder than mine on watching bad lesbian films. Since I have but a piddly BA in English literature, my pain is not so great.)

However, there is a song about how lesbians will save the ozone layer and create world peace and stuff.

The Mermaids (longish short? not quite feature length?)
Super cute nerd, super cute jocks, German, costumes, adorkable-ness, social awkwardness. Would definitely watch again! Two aquatic ({}) ({})

Quiet (short)
Bleh, emotionally manipulative, no character development. Counting on a gay audience relating to the tragic circumstances and feeling sad about the possibility of it happening to them. Tell us something we don't know. Negative ({})s. 

Tsuyako (short)
A love story between two Japanese women in 1950s Japan. Beautiful, heartbreaking, good characters, real. Amazingly well done for a student film. Make more, we will watch them all! 2 ({}) ({})'s. 

Natives (short)
Despite the shaky camera work and the fact that we hid underneath our shawls with embarrassment for most of the film, we liked it. Two lesbians, one Native American, go to visit the Native American woman's parents. White girlfriend proceeds to say every wrong, stereotypical, romanticized thing she's read in books (or her Intro to World Religions class). It is very anxiety-inducing to watch, but real, as dumb white girls like this say stupid shit all the time. Way to catch that in a film, NYU students. Get one of those rolly cart things for your camera next time. ({})

Do you have a cat? (short)
Cats, dogs, allergies, bad dates, Amber Benson. Cute and funny, despite the shots of gross male chest hair. ({}) 

Beside Her (longish short)
NA: Only one thing needs to be said about this terrible film- during a 1 minute sex-scene, there were FIVE shots of them holding hands. And yes, I counted.

IL: Let us also not forget how the entire point of the sex scene was basically to FORESHADOW the death of one of the lovers at the end. (Her hands clutch the sheets while they make the sex! Cut to her hands clutching the grass as she lays dying! Look, now her face is sweating while they make love! Cut to a shot of her sweating again ... only this time she's bloody and dying and stuff.) The only good thing about this movie was seeing "Erika Flores" during the credits and thinking that Colleen from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, might be in a lesbian short film. But alas, I was wrong. Negative ({}).

NA: Also, the moral for this film seems to be don't go jogging in dumb ass places, like on remote cliffs.

Click (longish short)
Was supposed to be funny but was so not. Why were some of the ladies in the theater laughing? What were they watching? Also, the characters did not follow some of our #1 advice - don't say you like something just to get a date. At the end, some friends are trying to set up another on an online date with someone who says they like spanking. To try to get their friend motivated, they bring over some light bondage toys and start paddling each other over the kitchen table. No, just no. This is not how these things work- of course you're not going to like it if you do this out of the blue! You gotta work up to that stuff! Come on!

Also, there's this really disturbing part where the protagonist addresses the ass she will be practicing her spanking skillzors on: "Hello, cheeks, my name is Sara, and I'll be paddling you shortly." Or something like that. Very unsexy. Not a good idea for things to do with your gal-pals (or at least not your platonic gal-pals).

Zero ({})

Queen of my Dreams (short)
We loved loved it! Cute ladies, cute idea,  but it was sadly way too short! For that we'll give it ({}) ({ in the hopes that she makes a longer version.

IL: This short was basically my life. Like, everything the narrator said WAS MY LIFE. It was amazing. Also, this short was neither emotionally manipulative or fucking stupid, so it kind of won at life. No clasped hands during sex - AMAZING!