Is the honeymoon over? How to break up with your special lady friend.

As Bette from "The L Word" once said, sometimes you have to break up with lesbians twice. I know I've had this unfortunate experience, and I'm sure some of you have too. Even so, you should do so in the nicest way possible, like the lovely lady-lovin' ladies you are. We won't pretend that it won't be hard or sad- breaking your soulbond is always a hardship. But sometimes (and we have a few personal experiences between our sordid dating histories to prove it) it is a necessary chore, and you will be the better for it.

Before we talk about what you could do, here are some things we do not recommend doing, ever.

1. Sending a text message/e-mail/facebook post or status/tweet/ post-it note stuck on her car windshield. This only gives her something to forward/copy/post for all of her friends (and your friends, as obviously you have merged lives by now and are completely codependent) to see and analyze with her, and will ultimately just make you look like an ass, no matter how eloquent you are.
2. Showing up one day at your favorite coffee shop with a new lady on your arm/ love bite on your neck. First, if you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating is not OK ever (unless Rachel Maddow shows up in my bedroom by magic, and then I'll be begging my lady friend for a one-time pass). Second, it's really tacky and makes you look like a jerk to all your mutual friends, who will immediately flock to her defense, no matter what good reasons you have for breaking up. Keep it classy, and wait to move on until you're truly a free and single gal again.
3. Calling with your break-up news while she's away on a family vacation, you're on a business trip, or otherwise in separate locations. While if you're in a long-distance relationship this may be the only way, if you normally see your lady friend on a daily (or minute-ly, because you like to be close to your soultwin) basis, don't be a coward, and grow the ovaries to tell her face to face.
4. Going back to facebook, our favorite locale of social faux-pas, don't put up a pic of a new love interest or change your relationship status on to single before you've talked to your lady friend. In fact, don't put up a picture of a new lady for at least... a month? A few months? The timing is up to you and the exact formula will depend on the length of your relationship and how u-hauled you were, but be respectful of your now-ex's feelings.
5. Telling her everything you don't like about her in a vindictive way. Now, if she has been a really bad lady, this may be justified and hard to resist. But, if it just isn't working out and you'd still like to keep the time-honored lesbian tradition of staying friends with your ex, you don't necessarily have to spill all. Remember our favorite mantra: secret feelings are secret for a reason! There is no need for her to know that you really wish she didn't have that mole shaped like male genitalia on her hip, that the smell of her homemade kombucha made you feel vile, or that you were just dating her for the hot sex and her not-so-hot intellect was a downer. 
6. Try to keep this lack-of-vindictiveness throughout the months following your breakup. That's what your other friends are for- the ones you stopped calling during the first weeks/months of your relationship when everything was sunshine and daisies and you wanted nothing more than to whisper her name softly while stroking her hair as she slept. These other pals are there for you in your time of relationship breakdown, and will listen to you vent about all your ex's annoying habits while you cry over a bowl of vegan ice cream and watch Lost and Delirious, because you totally get what that chick with the hawk is feeling. Or the other chick, whichever the case may be.
7. Try to limit your post break-up phone calls where you rehash your relationship with each other and what went wrong. While we are fans of lesbian processing, sometimes even this can be tedious. Especially with your new ex.
8. Don't have break up sex. It always seems like a good idea, but it's not. Trust me.

Try these ideas instead:

1. Break up in private. We are big fans of privacy, lesbian sistren! While it may seem like a good idea to take your ex-special-lady out for a nice macro-organic-tofu bowl to spill the bad news, don't do it. If she wants to cry/yell at you/whatever, let her do so in the privacy of one of your homes, not around other people. 
2. Be honest, but not too honest to the point of harshness. Remember what we said in our previous section. Now, sometimes you do have to be harsh, as in the case of "when you consume addictive substances you become a nutcase, and I'm tired of chasing your crazy self out of the lady bar on Friday nights to take you home." But if it's more of the variety "it's just not working out," say that, but don't be petty and point out things you consider as her faults. The next lady she dates may think it's adorable that she collects broken butterfly wings for her sculpture or wears hippy crystalized deodorant. 
3. Give her space afterwards. Don't expect to be best buds immediately, or ask her to be your wing-woman at the lady bar when you want to pick up a hot chick. Expect your mutual friends to invite you over for bunco night individually for awhile, until you both seem over it enough to not spoil the evening with your relationship angst.
4. Get off facebook. Delete your account or just have a friend change the password for you so you can't log on and see what she's doing, or look at the pictures of you together at last years Mich Fest. You can block her too for awhile if you must stay on your social networks, but we do not recommend this tactic alone. In your post break-up state, you are more likely to commit some of the over-sharing mistakes we have previously discussed. 
5. As one of my favorite lady friends sings in Come Back Home, take all the pictures down. Even if the breakup was your idea, you don't want to be reminded of her all the time. Get one of your other friends to come over to your abode and take down all the photos/ love notes/ souvenirs from your trip to Provincetown/ promise rings she gave you/ etc. You don't have to throw them away yet (though later you may find it awkward if a new lady friend finds these things!) but at least box them up so if you have a backlash, you can look over it later and cry over the mix tape she made you for your 2-week anniversary of love. 
6. Give yourself time to heal before moving on. Now lady friends, I am not saying you can't have a casual rebound. Rebounds can be a nice, fun way to move on from your intense, soulbonding lesbian relationship. But give it at least a few months before you start to seriously date someone else again. If you question if you're ready to date, you're probably not, so give yourself some time. Does this mean  you can't go to the latest queer dance party and perv on all the pretty ladies? Of course not! You can even take them to your abode for some consensual sexy times (see our future post on one-night stands). Just don't profess your love/start making them mix tapes/ take them to meet your chosen family right away. Have fun, do all the things you used to do before you got sucked into your vortex of love, and become a whole person again. In time, this will make you the wonderful, desirable lady that you can be. Not the semi-together lady who seems normal on a date until she starts talking about her ex non-stop, but she's totally over her, really! (Not that it's happened to either of us, or anything. Never.)
7. Go toy shopping. And you know the kind I mean! You may want to do this early on in the breakup and not wait to do the other tips first. I'll leave it up to you if you want to get ride of the toys you bought with your lady friend (as long as you sanitize well, sistren! really, really well! like, really!) but go buy something for yourself, and then you won't be as tempted by break up sex after you've drank a bottle of wine and listened to your favorite lady-friend music.
8. Keep it classy. When you do start dating again, be cool. Don't post things like "I am so glad to be FINALLY HAPPY! I've found the one for me AT LAST!!!" This just shows you're trying too hard, and cheapens your new-found love. If you do this, you probably need to go back to Tip 6, and try again.

Now, some of you  may be saying, that's all good for my lady-relationship break up, but what about someone I wasn't really dating/ didn't know I was dating? Well ladies, having been in this situation, let me return to my story about the unfortunate Inappropriate Girl (read post about over-sharing to refresh your memory- it's at the end).

After Inappropriate Girl's unfortunate text message, and my reply that it was way too soon to ask that question, even as a joke, I thought I had heard the last of her. But not so, sistren! Later I got another apology text asking for another chance. Using guidance from my sistren, I ignored this message. A few days later, she sent another message stating "I guess you're done with me, huh." Now sistren, this was after her "Moving on" facebook status. Again, as we had only been communicating for a week and hadn't met in person, I did not realize I owed her an explanation. (Please note that I didn't- sometimes bitches be crazy). So, realizing that she had taken my first rejection as a break up somehow even though we weren't actually dating, my sistren guided me that I was going to have to break up with her again. How do you break up with someone you're not dating? Well lesbos, you send her a text that says "Yes I'm sorry, but that was too much for me." 

Simple. To the point. No apologies, no elaboration. Why? Because it isn't necessary! And any elaboration would have been something like "Because clearly, you are a clingy sociopath who has no grasp on reality, and I wonder how you function in normal society." And would I ever say something like that to another lady? No! Or at least I would make my very best effort not to.

So ladies, we hope these tips help you in your relationship journey. For sometimes we have to go through a lot of soul-cons to find our soul-bond.