Just Say No to Name Tattoos

Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.

Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.

This was our conversation in a nutshell:

Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.

Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!



Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?

Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.

Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.

This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?

So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.

And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.

And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.