Gettin' Hitched: A CATchelorette Party

Sistren, The Librarian and I are not raging bachelorette party types. The thought of chasing some jello shots at a strip club, or- let's face it- being out past 11, is not our idea of a good time. Happily, our friends know this, and Indigo Labrys and an Old Married planned us the most amazing CATchelorette party. That's right, a surprise cat-themed bachelorette party. 

The planning of this event was highly involved, so maybe Indigo Labrys can fill you in on it later. They deceived us for months, and got The Librarian's mother in on it too. We were on our way to pick up Indigo Labrys, who asked us to come upstairs (so she could find her cat- a very natural and theme-party appropriate excuse!) and then we were completely surprised by our queer lady friends all waiting in matching cat shirts and cat ears. There were a few straights there too, cause we're diverse like that. We really love our straight friends, they're just like everyone else. It's important to be open minded, sistren, even if you worry their straight marriages will tarnish the sanctity of your queer marriage. 

Anyway, we wanted to share a few ideas if you want to have your own CATchelorette party or similar, for yourself or someone else! Follow these tips and the party is sure to be a meow-ing, purrfect success!

1. Be good at lying. When your friends tell you that their mom wants to meet you, and they ask you what night you can go to dinner, make sure you insist on going the same night as the party. That way there's an easy way to get them to your house! Then during that day lie and say you're having car trouble and do they mind coming to get you? Bonus if you get the mom to tell them she's made reservations at this restaurant near your house for a bit after you want the party to start, so the Nearly Marrieds will get there at the appropriate time.

   

   Party planners feeling smug.

2. Don't worry about boring hetero traditions, like separate parties. Separate bachelorette parties are totally unnecessary for queer ladies if they're not what you want. Obviously, since you are queer ladies you are merged, and so cannot bear to be apart from your betrothed. You're getting married so you can be legally merged, and this starts now. 
3. Create a queer-lady theme. CATchelorette was pretty genius, so feel free to steal it. Or maybe you and your lady (or your friends if you're the planner) are more into softball, so a CATCHelorette would be more appropriate. Or you could not worry about appropriateness, and host a saucier SNATCHelorette. Either way, it should be something fun for the Nearly Marrieds. 
4. Get crafty. Old Married and Indigo Labrys spent a lot of time making our amazing cat-ear triple-tiara veils. They also customized our party cat shirts to say "Bride" (a word we are not fans of, but who doesn't love anything if it's on a cat shirt?). They even wrote "Bride" in our respective wedding colors, which shows a skillful attention to detail. We were quite impressed.
   
5. Have themed food and decorations. At this party, it included cat stickers on all the food labels, chocolate peanut butter cats (naturally, made from candy molds from our wedding registry), cup-cats, and a very impressive cat-themed bar menu. They gave it that personal touch by naming two of the cocktails after our own beautiful fur children. Cute, in theme, and personalized for the Nearly Marrieds- a party planning feat.
   
   

   

   Tie-dye and cats, because what else?

6. Push the drinks. Who doesn't have fun when your friends are giving you really strong drinks? Though we had a painful hangover the next day that sadly comes from not being in our early 20s, it was worth it. Especially since we had a designated driver in the form of The Librarian's mom. Speaking of which, that brings us to number 7-

   

   The Librarian enjoyed her Gin Meow-er

7. Have a house mom. We were seriously struggling the next morning. If you can arrange for a mom or chosen family to be in attendance at the Nearly Married's house the next morning to make them hangover food, they will greatly appreciate it. 

   

   I needed this.

8. Let the party affirm your wedding decisions. While The Librarian and I were super happy with our party, having so many expectant faces all on us when we entered the room was overwhelming. Luckily this was only a few seconds, but at a traditional wedding it would be for much longer! This solidified our feelings that we have planned the perfect tiny ceremony that is all about us and not about other's expectations. See also number 2. Do what you want, and who cares what people think.

Pin-the-tail on the Cat!

Thanks Indigo Labrys (AKA the Best Homo) and Old Married, we had a purrfect, meowsome time. 

Engagement and Wedding Photos for us Lady-Loving Ladies!

Hi friends! It's been an embarrassingly long time since since we have posted- we blame dissertating for everything. 

As the SCOTUS will (hopefully) soon decide that everyone can enter the problematic, patriarchal institution of marriage regardless of their sexual orientation, we anticipate seeing an increase in lesbian weddings in our social circles. A time to rejoice! A time to make drunken toasts, eat bland catered food, and dance to classic hits such as "YMCA" and "We are Family." 

What could be better than a wedding? Fancy engagement and wedding photos, of course! I recently read this hilarious article about how annoying engagement photos are, and another friend sent me this absurd list of "don't miss" shots for your wedding. They're filled with ideas like shots of your clasped hands, pictures of the bride crying and/or hugging family members, and gendered portraits of the wedding party getting ready on the big day. I feel like we can do better, don't you? 

So without further ado, here are some suggestions for your engagement and wedding photos that truly represent our lady loving communities. As one of my PhD buddies' suggested, I will use Bride A and Bride 1 to "prevent hierarchy," cause we're all about equality here.

Engagement Shots

1. To playfully acknowledge that your marriage won't signal lesbian bed death, pose in a cemetery lying artfully on a mattress. Close your eyes and touch each others' faces for extra flair. 
2. Gingerly hold "Future Mrs. and Mrs." signs and far away from your bodies. Bonus points if you're gagging. 
3. A close-up of your cat-hair covered legs, seated side-by-side on the couch. 
4. Your fur-children wearing rainbow collars and holding a little sign with your wedding date!
5. Your wedding rings artfully placed on a pair of scissors. 

Wedding Shots

1. Bride 1 aggressively dancing at Bride A, while A cowers in embarrassment.
2. Bride A and Bride 1 getting dressed by themselves, cause we are all independent, self-sufficient adults. 
3. The wedding party drinking cocktails before the ceremony, instead of applying makeup or fixing their hair. Who wants to do those things when you can enjoy adult beverages?
4. Slightly uncomfortable straight wedding guests (preferably distant relatives who aren't sure what they think of the gays) with fake smiles plastered on their faces. 
5. Bride 1 making crazy eyes at Bride A during their vows- Bride A looking exasperated. 
6. The brides' fur-children wearing tuxes, fascinators, vests, etc. It's important to involve your whole family in the big day!
7. Standing in front of your closet filled with flannel shirts and sensible shoes. 
8. A sign of your getaway Suburu with "Just Merged" written on the back window. 

 

What other photo ideas do you have for the big day?

Happy mother's day, to all the lady-loving cat mommies out there! We salute you!

Love,
Not Allured and Indigo Labrys

300... Cats? Or why sistren-hood is so much better than straight-hood

Sistren, have you seen the news blowing up the interwebs, about a poor straight sistren trying to get her loser boyfriend to put a ring on it via sandwich? If not, check out this article, and prepare to be horrified. Basically, the loser boyfriend made some flippant douchey comment about her being 300 sandwiches away from a marriage proposal, and she took this as a challenge. There are so many things wrong with this, but we trust that our sistren can figure this out for themselves. As probably can most humans beyond the age of, oh, let's say 5, who have some basic understanding that relationships should be built on love and trust and not insane, asshole-ish requests.

One of Not Allured's school pals suggested we blog about it, and unlike a challenge of making 300 sandwiches to which we would never acquiesce, we decided we were up for this one.

A big take away from this article is this: if there were any better reason to embrace your sistren-ness/ abandon the drudgery of heteronormative marriage pressures, we have yet to see one. What could be more ridiculous/insulting/less relevant to a successful long-term relationship than having to make 300 sandwiches, especially when some are deemed only to count as a quarter of a sandwich? Or others are dismissed because they contain things the recipient had neglected to mention were on their forbidden foods list? While it is of course nice to take your special friend's likes and dislikes into consideration, there is a big difference between being considerate and being a doormat. So come one come all, ladies of marriageable age, we embrace you whether or not you a) want to get married, or b) can make us a sandwich.

But wait, you may be saying, what if I WANT to woo my special queer lady friend/boi with something, but they don't like sandwiches? What is a queer lady to do in this time of crisis? Especially one who wants to have an anti-wedding/ queer love celebration before aging out of my sperm donor pregnancy/ co-adoption/ peak pet parenting years?

Well fear not, sistren, as always we are hear to help you! Let us suggest alternate projects to woo your soul mate. Try one of these, and let us know how it goes!

1. 300 cats. It is a scientifically-proven fact that there is little queer ladies love more than cats! Show her you care by adopting 300 kittens! Though you may need to go to multiple shelters to get this many/ buy a bigger country home to house them all, it will be worth it!
   
   
   
   2. 300 flavors of kombucha. It's healthy, it's delicious, you can make it together, and it says crunchy granola love!
   
   
   
   3. 300 flannel shirts. Let's kick it old school and go with a classic lesbian fashion item! Even better, make it 600 so you and your special lady can match!!
   
   
   
   4. 300 pairs of outdoor sandals that can be worn on any occasion! I personally am a fan of Chacos and Keens, but I know some of my sistren love their Birks and Tevas.
   
   
   
   
   5. 300 serenades (preferably with a guitar or banjo, but a boombox "Say Anything" style will do) to the queer lady singer/songwriter of your choice. If you are new to sistren-hood and don't know who that means, may I suggest the classic Indigo Girls. There's also Brandi Carlisle, Tegan and Sara for a more pop-ish sound, or our personal favorite, Chris Pureka. (SWOON! I'd totally say yes to you Chris! What is your favorite sandwich??)
   
   
   
   Do you have suggestions for what 300 things would get your lady to the Domestic Partner alter? Let us know in the comments!

Science!

Lesbian Love Languages

Sistren, recently The Librarian and I were gifted an amazing gift from our friends: The 5 Love Languages. What a score! It's filled with hyper-heteronormative relationship descriptions and a hideously sexist quiz. Taking the quiz tells you if your love language is physical touch, quality time, acts of service (the non-naughty kind), words of affirmation, or receiving gifts. Naturally, we loved it, and took the quizzes from both the dude and lady perspectives. My love languages are physical touch and quality time, in case you were wondering. Yet while we found it highly informative, and I'm super excited to continue filling The Librarian's "Love Tank" (direct quote!), I found it lacked content for us sistren. Thus, I give you my own version: The Lesbian Love Languages.

 1. Cats
Some ladies show their love, or want others to show love to them, via cat. If this is your love language, you probably want your partner to talk about how lovable and cute your furry friends are, to admire their playfulness and wit, talk at length about their emotional states, etc. You may meow while flirting, act cold and aloof when hurt, and feel threatened when others encroach on your territory. You want your lady to cuddle with you and curl up in your lap to show affection. You want nothing more than for her to make you purr.
**Note: Dogs are an acceptable substitute**

2. Brunch
Some ladies show their affection through food, preferably in potluck form with friends. If this is your language, you want your partner to make you something special, like those vegan gluten free muffins you like, and make sure to save one before the other ladies devour them all. Your ideal partner would love basking in the glory of your sistren at a group brunch, but would only have eyes for you. She'd sit next to you, and you'd even drink from the same cup, because you obviously share everything. When you're not potlucking, you love for your woman to bring you breakfast in bed. You may even like cooking for her too- heating it up in the kitchen is your idea of a great time.

3. Activism
There's nothing Sistren love more than social justice! If activism is the way to your heart, you long for your love interest to show her interest by joining you at the phone bank, on the picket lines, or at the march. To win your heart, a girl has to notice the buttons on your backpack and start handing out leaflets accordingly. No dinner and a movie dates for you: you'd rather go door to door with your lady, canvassing for your favorite local candidate; serve food at the local soup kitchen; take a romantic stroll at the dyke march, hand in hand; or email your sistren friends to join your cause. When a lady starts campaigning for your heart, she has her work cut out for her, but all that hard work will pay off if she stays true to the cause.

4. Sports
We all know lesbos love sports. Be it women's basketball, soccer, softball, hiking, kayaking, what have you, we love a good game or outdoor activity. And not always for the exercise- I didn't watch the Olympic soccer games because I understood the rules, if you know what I mean. (Call me ladies!) But anyway, I digress.
If you're fluent in sports, you want your lady to join a softball team/ hiking group / kayaking class with you. Or at the very least, get you courtside tickets to see your favorite team. No fouls here- the right lady for you will combat roll with you just to show she cares. You'll only show her your inside game after she shows she proves she's got the skills to play on your team.

 5. Xena and Gabrielle Fantasies
You know who you are- pretending you're Gabrielle and your lady love is Xena, or vice versa. This love language manifests in many ways: wanting your honey to watch super cheesy lesbian films with you, reading romance novels aloud (which are mostly Xena ubers anyway, lets face it), going to Xena conventions, etc. To win your heart, your lady has to first figure out which character you imagine yourself to be and act accordingly. She would woo you by standing loyally by your side and regaling you with her witty banter, or alternatively by defending you against evil foes and being your constant protector. She'll write you a poem or sing you a ballad, but whichever your preference, she'll declare you her soulmate for life as you ride off into the sunset together (on the same horse, naturally).

But how do you know which love language you speak? Stay tuned for our quiz and you can find out.

Think we left out any lesbian love languages? Let us know!

Step Back, Pussy Cat

Sistren, I love a metaphor, and when metaphors combine with cats, you've got a win-win situation!

**Side note: I do NOT love metaphors that are mind-numbingly heavy handed, such as in the movie I recently watched with Indigo Labrys. I don't want to call anyone out, so let's just say the title starts with "A" and ends with "Perfect Ending." But I digress.

Anyhoo, inspired by Indigo Labrys' astounding previous post, I realized that there are more comparisons to be made between felines and the fairer sex.

Take, for example, The Librarian's cat, Cat-Megan, compared to another lady after your woman.

Her pretty face has fooled many a guest into thinking they could touch her, only to be viciously swatted or hissed at when they attempted to do so. Just like when a lady is trying to pry her way into your lady's pants. She may seem all sweetness and light, but don't let that exterior fool you!

Cat-Megan will feign affection for me sometimes, usually when The Librarian is out of town or she's hungry.  Any hussy after your lady friend will do the same. Pretend to be your friend, laugh at your jokes, etc., all so that you let your guard down. Your lady friend is hanging out with her new coworker without you? You're happy she's got a new gal pal who's so awesome! Just beware if she's trying to butter you up with sweetness/ rubs against your legs a lot while purring.

Once you are out of the way, these pussy cats are quick to jump in bed and take your place. The second I'm up in the morning, Cat-Megan curls up with The Librarian. She either starts shooting daggers at me, or looks at me smugly while my lady friend pets and coos about how pretty she is. When I come back from a trip, Cat-Megan gives me a look as if to say "Oh, you're back? I thought she finally got rid of you." Fat chance, kitty! To assert your dominance over such a kitty, you could do as they do and rub your face over everything, or snuggle up to your lady every time the cat jumps in her lap. The same will work with aggressive lady lovers- just rub your face all over your girlfriend's body/ belongings in her presence and she'll get the hint. 

Now, while you and everyone else know the cat/ the new lady pal is pure evil, your life companion remains oblivious and insists they are a sweet precious angel/ their BFF for life who is just misunderstood by the rest of the planet. And annoyingly, just as your girlfriend's cat physically gets in between you when you're cuddling, and causes an emotional ripple in your blissful we're-so-merged-we agree-on-everything state, this new queer lady pal always seems to manage to sit in between the two of you at the lesbian bar/ gay lady potluck/ softball tourney. She's trying to sink her claws into your lady's heart, just as Cat-Megan sinks her claws into your ankle when she attacks you on the stairs. 

While the situation may seem desperate, fear not, sistren. We are here to help after all, not just whine about our problems! 

Like Indigo Labrys has suggested, food is an excellent way to distract a cat, and also a lady intruder. While cooking tasty treats for a hussy may backfire as she may then never leave your home, throw some tasty ladies across her path instead! When you're all out at a lady bar, keep giving her a friendly nudge on the dance floor. Hopefully, she'll get distracted and forget about your lady friend. It's just like when Cat-Megan lovingly clamps her jaws around her favorite toy- a hussy won't want to let all those pretty ladies get away without taking a bite.

While constant vigilance can be necessary to keep the hussies and pussy cats away, I have confidence that our dear readers will be able to stop interlopers from infringing on your blissful love nest.

Captive Hearts

Captive Hearts: How Your Girlfriend is like a Cat

 

As many of our readers know, there is very little that Not Allured and I love more than our lady friends and our cats. Recently, my lady friend and I had the opportunity to cat-sit for Not Allured and her girlfriend, the Librarian. We were charged with taking care of Not Allured’s stepcat, Cat-Megan. While the Librarian claims that Cat-Megan is a sweet creature of an angelic temperament, we saw no evidence to support her obviously spurious claims. 

Cat-Megan spent many hours stalking my lady-friend and me; when we ran upstairs to clean her litterbox, she would follow us up and sit on the landing, waiting to pounce upon our feet while hissing crazily. I attempted to dissuade her from this by waving a washcloth in her face, but she took it away and then attacked my feet with even more rage. In addition to pouncing whenever we came within three feet of her, she became increasingly distressed when we made eye contact with her. By the end of the first day, we were afraid to walk past her, and began avoiding any room she occupied. 

But my ladyfriend and I were determined to free ourselves from Cat-Megan’s reign of furry terror. We decided to take measures to launch a counterstrike. And it was during Operation Enduring Lesbian Freedom that I discovered something both beautiful and terrible: winning the affections (or at least, toleration) of a cat is not unlike finding a girlfriend. 

Here are some incontrovertible proofs (and ways to woo yourself a lady friend who will be your companion animal FOR LIFE):

(1)   It is easier to make friends with cats and ladies when both are feeling vulnerable. Cat-Megan, for example, was very distressed because both the Librarian and Not Allured were nowhere to be found, and she is a highly sociable kitty. After 24 -48 hours of no attention and no petting, Cat-Megan was feeling lost and forlorn and was thus ready for us to go in for the kill. This is not unlike when the object of your affections has gone through a rough break-up; now is the time to make your move, sistren! Do it while she’s emotionally vulnerable and scared that she’ll never get petted again.

(2)   Food is a useful albeit creepy way to achieve closeness. Cat-Megan ran from our touch whenever we attempted to pet her, but sought us out when she was hungry. As long as she was hungry, we could pet her for a good 30 seconds at a time before she realized she wasn’t getting fed and ran away. When we put down food for her, we could pet her for exactly as long as it took for her to wolf down her dinner. Likewise, ladies also like food – as you will remember, the Librarian purchased her first veggie cookbook when she began dating our sistren, Not Allured. I like to take this a step further, however, and plan really heavy foods for the first date; my lady friend is particularly susceptible to this, and will often succumb to a post-prandial nap, thus allowing me to sniff her hair and cut locks of it for my special memory box. If it’s a particularly heavy food, like a dozen potatoes, I can be assured of several hours of quality hair-smelling and face-stroking.

(3)   Be emotionally withholding. Cats hate it when you’re interested in them; when you run after them with your arms outstretched screaming “CUDDLES!” they freak the fuck out and hide under the bed. Women will pretty much do the same thing, except for that they won’t be anywhere near your bed. If you’re emotionally withholding, though, you can lure those sly pussies out from their hidey-holes and stroke them to your heart’s content. 

(4)   Much like your cat, girlfriends are also cutest and most loveable in the earliest stages of your relationship. Make sure to appreciate your girlfriend’s “kitten phase” while it lasts; help her use up that boundless kitten energy and play with her as much as she wants! Eventually, that kitten phase will end, and she will just want to sleep on your couch all the time.

(5)   Like a kitty, your girlfriend may want to prowl around at all hours of the night. Kitties are easily lured away from your warm, comfortable home by the promise of new sights and smells, like line-dancing and booze at the local gay bar. Make it clear to your kitty that chasing tail is strictly prohibited, and that you will lock her out of the house and take away all her nice wet food if she strays. Unless of course you are in an open relationship with your cat. 

(6)   Kitties go crazy for wet food. They find a dry meal incredibly unappetizing because, like your girlfriend, they are carnivores at heart. Open your cans early and often. 

So there you have it. Six ways that demonstrate how cats and lesbians are kindred spirits. Now go make her purr, ladies.

Cats Don't Belong in the Bedroom

Don't get me wrong; I love my cats.

And there are many places cats belong: on your couch, on your bookshelves, in any crinkly bag, on top of your papers, in the last place you look, and in your heart.

But they do not belong in your bedroom.

I'm going to help you get a sense of your boundaries first by providing you with the following questions. Answer honestly, or you won't be able to learn and grow from this experience.

(1) How many times have you begun to look tenderly into your lover's eyes and smooth back the hair from her forehead as you lean in to kiss her ripe, luscious mouth, when all of the sudden, your cats show up for some untimely petting action?

(2) How many times have you felt a pair of eyes on you in the boudoir that did not belong to your woman?

(3) How many times have you been in the throes of ecstasy when, between your murmured endearments and cries of pleasure, you became aware of an approving purr emerging from your ever watchful cats?

(4) How many times have you felt the sharp claws of a she-beast slash kitten rake your bare back as you make sweet sweet love?

(5) Has your lovemaking ever been disturbed by a cat landing on your face?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe or it wasn't my face, you have a problem. And I am here to help you. As the proud guardian of two cats, I too have had to deal with the always sensitive issue of cats in the bedroom. Many lesbians are very attached to their cats, after all, and some people take it badly when you ask them if Fluffykins could maybe sit this one out or if they wouldn't mind moving the litterbox from the bedroom so you don't have to listen to cats shuffling around in there while you make sweet lesbian love.

These people are (obviously) wrong.

Why does this happen? Like many of our other posts, this problem occurs because of a lack of respect for boundaries. There is a time and a place for cats (most of the time, and everywhere but your bedroom, respectively). Respect these boundaries and you won't have to worry about any of getting your back clawed off when you go downtown, or hearing anything during sex except the slick beats of Melissa Ferrick's "Drive" (or when you lover accidentally calls out for Rachel Maddow).

Nothing is more of a turn-off in bed than realizing there's more than two people in this relationship - and some of them are cats.

A poem for my lovah

My soul feels empty without you,
Like a sad room with no cats.

It's a short poem.