Lessons from a gay paradise/hell

Hello sistren! Have you been worried about us in our absence? Indigo Labrys and I have been busy doing things like dissertating (in her case) and grad school coursework (in my case) and have sadly  neglected our readership of two! We missed you! PhD school sadly gets in the way of our preferred leisure activities, AKA reading lesbian novels, brunching with lesbians, processing, etc. But we have vowed to come back! Well, I have- and I will drag Indigo Labrys out of her dissertating cave of solitude to regal you all with her with and charm. And if dragging doesn't work, I'll bribe her with what she loves best- kittens.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a delightful experience Indigo Labrys and I shared- volunteering for the gay and lesbian film festival in our state! It was magical! Where else could we watch really bad lesbian films, people watch our favorite people (the gays! yay!), and play our new favorite game, gay bingo. We devised this during our shift at the information desk, as we needed something to do when we weren't giving directions to the bathroom or checking out all the hot ladies walking by. Indigo Labrys beat me every time by the way- she's a sneaky one. Feel free to use our bingo categories for your next gay outing!

But it was OK  because my entrance was more popular. That's right, more people wanted to walk through my door to enter the movie. I think they were drawn to my natural charm. But I digress.

Sistren, we learned so many things. Gays bring the drama all the time. Volunteering at gay events is a good way to meet ladies. That's right, we totally witnessed a hook-up in process, it was magical. We wish them well. We got to see all the older lesbian couples too- they were so awesome! I hope The Librarian and I are like them! Although then I'd have to convince her to go see a bad lesbian movie with me, which is a hard bargain, let me tell you. Maybe I'll just trick her by saying I feel a sudden urge to go to Homo Depot...

Some of the best things we learned were not from our fellow patrons, but the high quality movies we saw! Yes, our sistren who have made cinema their calling have so much to share! The worst by far was "A Perfect Ending." So, so bad. Like beyond my wildest imaginations of bad. Talking slowly was supposed to indicate sexiness, bad bad camera tricks were meant to substitute for depth, and at the ending Indigo Labrys and our other sistren friend laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. Picture this: an artist painted a butterfly, with the head of her dead lover coming out of it, in 1990's Lisa Frank style. Yep, not even joking. It was heinous.

In case you missed the gay film festivals this year, here is a summary of some gems of wisdom we gleaned from our fieldwork:

For Movie Makers (we've watched a lot of bad lesbian films, so therefore are qualified to give advice)

• Morgan Fairchild is hilarious. (Don't see "A Perfect Ending." You'll be sad.)
• Models should really stick to their day job. (see above)
• When making a movie, make sure your cinematography reflects actual plot/thematic points. There is no need to show every trick you know how to do- like focusing on something really tight, showing two images of someone in the same scene (she was of TWO MINDS and couldn't make a decisions- so subtle!!), etc. 
• Editing is your friend. "A Perfect Ending" would have been great as a short, with more Morgan Fairchild and maybe a few seconds of everyone else. Or better yet, just Morgan Fairchild.
• Lesbians love character development! Please use some. ("Hey." "Hey." <making out> "I love you!" does not character development make)

For Our Sistren:

• Diners are depressing. Especially the rotating cheesecake displays (See "Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same. A lesbian movie that's funny and campy on purpose? Who knew!)
• Go to these movies with other sistren, so you can bond/share in the pain together
• Olympia Dukakis plays an amazing old butch (Cloudburst- I enjoyed this much more than Indigo Labrys. Just don't watch the last 10 minutes and you'll be good to go)
• Even though you think your bar for lesbian movies is really, really low, someone will surpass it. Prepare for extra processing time at the bar with your sistren when this happens, as you will have a lot of feelings to discuss.
• Apparently, in Sweden people fall in love instantly, especially while watching deer graze at twilight, despite not knowing each other at all, and being in long-term monogamous relationships. Keep this in mind if you go traveling.

We hope you have the lovely opportunity to go to a gay film festival too, sistren! Despite the horror of many of the films we saw, we'd do it again in a heartbeat, and mourned the loss of the festival as we began our fall semesters of grad studenthood. 

Happy fall friends! We promise not to stay away so long next time!