Is the honeymoon over? How to break up with your special lady friend.

As Bette from "The L Word" once said, sometimes you have to break up with lesbians twice. I know I've had this unfortunate experience, and I'm sure some of you have too. Even so, you should do so in the nicest way possible, like the lovely lady-lovin' ladies you are. We won't pretend that it won't be hard or sad- breaking your soulbond is always a hardship. But sometimes (and we have a few personal experiences between our sordid dating histories to prove it) it is a necessary chore, and you will be the better for it.

Before we talk about what you could do, here are some things we do not recommend doing, ever.

1. Sending a text message/e-mail/facebook post or status/tweet/ post-it note stuck on her car windshield. This only gives her something to forward/copy/post for all of her friends (and your friends, as obviously you have merged lives by now and are completely codependent) to see and analyze with her, and will ultimately just make you look like an ass, no matter how eloquent you are.
2. Showing up one day at your favorite coffee shop with a new lady on your arm/ love bite on your neck. First, if you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating is not OK ever (unless Rachel Maddow shows up in my bedroom by magic, and then I'll be begging my lady friend for a one-time pass). Second, it's really tacky and makes you look like a jerk to all your mutual friends, who will immediately flock to her defense, no matter what good reasons you have for breaking up. Keep it classy, and wait to move on until you're truly a free and single gal again.
3. Calling with your break-up news while she's away on a family vacation, you're on a business trip, or otherwise in separate locations. While if you're in a long-distance relationship this may be the only way, if you normally see your lady friend on a daily (or minute-ly, because you like to be close to your soultwin) basis, don't be a coward, and grow the ovaries to tell her face to face.
4. Going back to facebook, our favorite locale of social faux-pas, don't put up a pic of a new love interest or change your relationship status on to single before you've talked to your lady friend. In fact, don't put up a picture of a new lady for at least... a month? A few months? The timing is up to you and the exact formula will depend on the length of your relationship and how u-hauled you were, but be respectful of your now-ex's feelings.
5. Telling her everything you don't like about her in a vindictive way. Now, if she has been a really bad lady, this may be justified and hard to resist. But, if it just isn't working out and you'd still like to keep the time-honored lesbian tradition of staying friends with your ex, you don't necessarily have to spill all. Remember our favorite mantra: secret feelings are secret for a reason! There is no need for her to know that you really wish she didn't have that mole shaped like male genitalia on her hip, that the smell of her homemade kombucha made you feel vile, or that you were just dating her for the hot sex and her not-so-hot intellect was a downer. 
6. Try to keep this lack-of-vindictiveness throughout the months following your breakup. That's what your other friends are for- the ones you stopped calling during the first weeks/months of your relationship when everything was sunshine and daisies and you wanted nothing more than to whisper her name softly while stroking her hair as she slept. These other pals are there for you in your time of relationship breakdown, and will listen to you vent about all your ex's annoying habits while you cry over a bowl of vegan ice cream and watch Lost and Delirious, because you totally get what that chick with the hawk is feeling. Or the other chick, whichever the case may be.
7. Try to limit your post break-up phone calls where you rehash your relationship with each other and what went wrong. While we are fans of lesbian processing, sometimes even this can be tedious. Especially with your new ex.
8. Don't have break up sex. It always seems like a good idea, but it's not. Trust me.

Try these ideas instead:

1. Break up in private. We are big fans of privacy, lesbian sistren! While it may seem like a good idea to take your ex-special-lady out for a nice macro-organic-tofu bowl to spill the bad news, don't do it. If she wants to cry/yell at you/whatever, let her do so in the privacy of one of your homes, not around other people. 
2. Be honest, but not too honest to the point of harshness. Remember what we said in our previous section. Now, sometimes you do have to be harsh, as in the case of "when you consume addictive substances you become a nutcase, and I'm tired of chasing your crazy self out of the lady bar on Friday nights to take you home." But if it's more of the variety "it's just not working out," say that, but don't be petty and point out things you consider as her faults. The next lady she dates may think it's adorable that she collects broken butterfly wings for her sculpture or wears hippy crystalized deodorant. 
3. Give her space afterwards. Don't expect to be best buds immediately, or ask her to be your wing-woman at the lady bar when you want to pick up a hot chick. Expect your mutual friends to invite you over for bunco night individually for awhile, until you both seem over it enough to not spoil the evening with your relationship angst.
4. Get off facebook. Delete your account or just have a friend change the password for you so you can't log on and see what she's doing, or look at the pictures of you together at last years Mich Fest. You can block her too for awhile if you must stay on your social networks, but we do not recommend this tactic alone. In your post break-up state, you are more likely to commit some of the over-sharing mistakes we have previously discussed. 
5. As one of my favorite lady friends sings in Come Back Home, take all the pictures down. Even if the breakup was your idea, you don't want to be reminded of her all the time. Get one of your other friends to come over to your abode and take down all the photos/ love notes/ souvenirs from your trip to Provincetown/ promise rings she gave you/ etc. You don't have to throw them away yet (though later you may find it awkward if a new lady friend finds these things!) but at least box them up so if you have a backlash, you can look over it later and cry over the mix tape she made you for your 2-week anniversary of love. 
6. Give yourself time to heal before moving on. Now lady friends, I am not saying you can't have a casual rebound. Rebounds can be a nice, fun way to move on from your intense, soulbonding lesbian relationship. But give it at least a few months before you start to seriously date someone else again. If you question if you're ready to date, you're probably not, so give yourself some time. Does this mean  you can't go to the latest queer dance party and perv on all the pretty ladies? Of course not! You can even take them to your abode for some consensual sexy times (see our future post on one-night stands). Just don't profess your love/start making them mix tapes/ take them to meet your chosen family right away. Have fun, do all the things you used to do before you got sucked into your vortex of love, and become a whole person again. In time, this will make you the wonderful, desirable lady that you can be. Not the semi-together lady who seems normal on a date until she starts talking about her ex non-stop, but she's totally over her, really! (Not that it's happened to either of us, or anything. Never.)
7. Go toy shopping. And you know the kind I mean! You may want to do this early on in the breakup and not wait to do the other tips first. I'll leave it up to you if you want to get ride of the toys you bought with your lady friend (as long as you sanitize well, sistren! really, really well! like, really!) but go buy something for yourself, and then you won't be as tempted by break up sex after you've drank a bottle of wine and listened to your favorite lady-friend music.
8. Keep it classy. When you do start dating again, be cool. Don't post things like "I am so glad to be FINALLY HAPPY! I've found the one for me AT LAST!!!" This just shows you're trying too hard, and cheapens your new-found love. If you do this, you probably need to go back to Tip 6, and try again.

Now, some of you  may be saying, that's all good for my lady-relationship break up, but what about someone I wasn't really dating/ didn't know I was dating? Well ladies, having been in this situation, let me return to my story about the unfortunate Inappropriate Girl (read post about over-sharing to refresh your memory- it's at the end).

After Inappropriate Girl's unfortunate text message, and my reply that it was way too soon to ask that question, even as a joke, I thought I had heard the last of her. But not so, sistren! Later I got another apology text asking for another chance. Using guidance from my sistren, I ignored this message. A few days later, she sent another message stating "I guess you're done with me, huh." Now sistren, this was after her "Moving on" facebook status. Again, as we had only been communicating for a week and hadn't met in person, I did not realize I owed her an explanation. (Please note that I didn't- sometimes bitches be crazy). So, realizing that she had taken my first rejection as a break up somehow even though we weren't actually dating, my sistren guided me that I was going to have to break up with her again. How do you break up with someone you're not dating? Well lesbos, you send her a text that says "Yes I'm sorry, but that was too much for me." 

Simple. To the point. No apologies, no elaboration. Why? Because it isn't necessary! And any elaboration would have been something like "Because clearly, you are a clingy sociopath who has no grasp on reality, and I wonder how you function in normal society." And would I ever say something like that to another lady? No! Or at least I would make my very best effort not to.

So ladies, we hope these tips help you in your relationship journey. For sometimes we have to go through a lot of soul-cons to find our soul-bond.

Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (You Should Not Put Inside Your Vagina)

... JUST SAY NO.

OMG The goddess is strong within me today!: Over-Sharing lesbians

Now lesbos, some of you may feel that we have covered over sharing in the things not to say on a first date chapter, but we feel the need to elaborate. Lesbians like to share feelings, and we are no exception to this rule. However, as silly as it may sound, there are times when you can share your feelings too much. Think about it and you'll know what I'm talking about. We all have that friend (or two or three) who put every single feeling that goes through their soul on their facebook or twitter page. So much so that you don't even need to wait for a sad text to know that they've broken up with their lady friend and/or hooked up with a hot new lady. If someone who you haven't spoken to in years (like your old high school chum), but who is your facebook pal, can tell your whole dating history solely based on status updates, then  you are probably guilty of over sharing.

Tip 1: Don't get sucked into your social media sites to the point of no return. If you are ever tempted to update your online accounts in ways similar to the following examples, just put down the laptop/cellphone and go do something else: read a cheesy novel, watch the L word (or Rizolli & Isles, the gayest show that was ever not gay), play softball, etc.

• Why am I so sad/angry/depressed/verklempt today? OMG!!
• I had the BEST DATE last night! She's a keeper!
• "So you say you don't want to stay together anymore" or any song lyrics that are posted passive-aggressively to one person in form of status update. Just don't put up song lyrics, ever. 
• Woke up in someone else's bed this morning LOL!!
• It's good to know who your real friends are. (again, passive-aggressiveness is annoying)
•  This too shall pass (with no explanation of the "this", because we all know no one really cares or understands)
• I miss my baby/love muffin/ honey pie/ cupcake
• Jesus/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster Rocks today!!!!
• I'm so drunk right now! Par-tay!
• I'm sooooo tired! (tagging your lady friend, so we all know what you were doing- it's gross)
• This sucks! (again, if you don't specify what the "this" is, you sound like an angsty teen, who as we discussed in a previous posts, are not hot)

Tip 2. Things you should never put on your facebook profile:

• Photos of you making out/ making googly eyes with your lady friend. You may think it's cute, but it's not. Don't be 12, take them down.
• Angsty music videos- see tip number 1
• Links to articles about  being broken-hearted after a break-up, or how love makes you live longer after meeting a new lady friend.

Tip 3: Email, text messages, and other private messages exist for a reason. If you are tempted to leave long love letters to your best lady friend, or emote about how much you miss her sweet lady kisses while you are at work, click that "message" button and put it to good use! No one else needs to read your confessions.

Inappropriate facebook wall posts to your lady friend/ too many words are bad:

1. Marry me baby! I want to be your life-mate!
2. You are my soulmate/soultwin/soulbond, I just love you so much!!!!!
3. I miss you more than words can say, I wish you were sitting right next to me right now :'(
4. Last night was soooooo fun ;-)
5. It was just one time! Forgive me?
6. Good news- the test results are negative! :-o

What you should do instead:

1. Propose in person, even if you're all hip with the technology and stuff, facebook proposals are tacky
2. Send an email or text!
3. I miss you! (simple, short, and acceptable if your lady friend has been gone for awhile, like a week at least)
4. Again- text message. Text message flirting is fun!
5. Cheating confessions should be made in person, not in a public forum
6. Um.... obviously, in person again.

Other times when you should keep things to yourself:

When you have been talking to a new lady for a short time, don't divulge all your secrets. You may have made it through your first date following Indigo Labrys' advice, but that doesn't mean you should overshare on date 2 or 3! For an example of what not to do, let me share with you a text message conversation I had with a lady (whom I hadn't met in person yet) which caused me to cringe in horror, and stop talking to her:

Inappropriate Girl: Hey [note- never just text "hey" to someone, even your good lady friend, it's annoying]

Me: hey, what's up [this was my error- never answer inane text messages, even when you're waiting in line for something and are really bored, as in my case]

[standard text message about what we were doing]

Inappropriate Girl: So, do you ever want to get married?

Me: [internally] !!!!!!! WTF this girl is cray-cray!!!!!!

Needless to say, I called a friend, who advised I tell Inappropriate Girl that was an uncool question, so she would learn the error of her ways. I did- she was displeased. And proceeded to post an over-share facebook status. I can't remember exactly, but I think it was to the effect of "Guess I have to move on now." [Please note, we had never spoken on the phone, let alone met in person, so I wasn't aware we were dating- see a future post on breaking up for more on this story]. I proceeded to ignore all her subsequent text messages. Let this be a lesson to you all, sistren. Marriage/children/commitment questions are never appropriate to ask to someone you are not actually dating/haven't been dating for more than a few months AT LEAST!!

To sum it up- your facebook wall/status updates are not a private love letter to your lady friend. Love letters can be fun, sweet, or sexy, but the point of them is they are PRIVATE between the TWO of you, not you and all of your hundreds of online pals. They don't want to know. No matter how happy you are, how much you want to shout from the rooftops about your lady love, keep it under control.

Student-teacher relationships, and why they should never happen

Have you watched "Loving Annabelle" and thought, hey, that looks sexy, I want to try that! We are here to tell you that while you are free to think that all you want sistren, actually doing so is wrong. Completely, and totally wrong. If you are not convinced purely by your undying trust in me alone, let me give you my reasons.

If you are a teacher:
Being educators ourselves, we cannot fathom why someone would find their student attractive. Students don't know things! This is why they are in your class! People who don't know things are not sexy! Lessons can be naughty fun in the bedroom, and innocently fun in the classroom, but the two are totally different and should NEVER meet. Ever. But I digress.

First, as lesbian sistren, you should already be aware of the ways power works in our society. When you are in a position of authority over someone, you have power over them, no matter how benevolent of a leader you strive to be. It is rapey to take advantage of this power and hit on a student. Even if that student is cute, or your age (or older even!), or is crushing on you too. There are policies and laws against such couplings for good reasons my friends!

"But what if they are really really cute and keep hitting on me, and I think we may be soulmates?" you may ask. Tough titty! As long as you are in charge of someone's grades, on their thesis committee, or too old to be in a legal relationship, it is never OK to act on these feelings. If you really think you're soulmates, then wait till you no longer have a working relationship with this person (assuming they are an adult capable of consent- if not, then you are gross and I no longer want to make you a friendship bracelet for reading this masterpiece). Then if the fires are still stoking both of your lady loins, go ahead and ask her to accompany you to a roller derby match.

My advice is to go meet some hot ladies online like normal people do, who are not in your classroom, and ride off into the sunset together. Or watch Xena.

If you are a student:
Are you secretly crushing on your teacher? It may not be as secret as you think, ladies always know about these things. So if your professor refuses to meet with you alone in her office, or always makes sure the door is wide open, she is probably protecting herself against claims of sexual harassment. It's perfectly fine to have a crush on your teacher, it can make class go by faster, and you'll probably get better grades because you're paying attention to every word she says (or that better be what you're paying attention to, young lady!). However, don't expect it to be returned. Hit on the cute nerdy girl who knows her stuff instead, then you can have sexy study dates instead of spending your time pining for someone who's unattainable.

If you find you just can't control yourself and must hit on your teacher, try to resist until after the grades are posted. Ladies should always show decorum, and you wouldn't want your potential love interest to think you're only hitting on her to get a better grade, would you? I didn't think so. As a lady lovin' lady, you should value deep, meaningful communication. Plus, later when you are processing the early beginnings of your relationship, you can talk about the agony of waiting- doesn't that sound fun?

Now if you're in the opposite situation and a teacher/professor is hitting on you, run. And report the bitch. Any professor/teacher/educator who would try to use their power (because no matter what they say, that's what's happening) to get laid, is gross, and you can do better. Much better. Consent and equal power in relationships is sexy, my dear sistren.

And lastly, please don't embarrass our kind and be the lesbian version of  Mary Kay Letourneau. Just don't.

Keeping You a Secret: What Not to Spill on Your First Date

Dating is hard. Ladies are hot. When confronted with the hotness of other ladies, you may be overwhelmed by your feelings because you want to touch bodies. Or souls. This may lead you to say and do things that you don’t really mean. Or say and do things that you shouldn’t. You may be out of the closet, but some skeletons need to stay in the closet, at least until the second date.

“But Indigo Labrys!” you may say. “What specifically do I need to avoid saying in order to have sexytimes slash forge a soulbond with another woman?” Don’t worry, my delicate flowers. I am here to help you.

Let’s start with the basics: don’t lie. When your lovely and lithesome lesbian ladyfriend mentions that she really enjoys embroidering cat-themed wall-hangings, don’t pretend to be interested in cats, embroidery, or walls – unless you really are. It never works out. Once you take her home to make sweet passionate love, she will notice the absence of cat-themed wall-hangings and it will create a huge, cat-shaped hole in her heart, and she will never have sex with you, ever.

Does this mean you should tell the truth?

NO!!!!!!!

You should never tell the truth on a first date. You may think, while you’re exchanging soulful glances over coffee, that she seems really genuine, and like, just really real and emotionally honest, you know? Why should you lie to her? You shouldn’t. Wouldn’t it just be better if you were forthright about everything? I mean, you’d want to know about how amazing the sex with her last girlfriend was, right? Oh, wait. No, you wouldn’t.

You should avoid the following subjects on a first date:

… your ex (and how special she was to you, and how you’re still friends, but don’t worry, you’re totally over her).

… your plans for marriage. This is coffee, not a commitment ceremony, for God’s / Amy Ray’s sake.

… your years of electroshock therapy and how sometimes you hallucinate about people who aren’t really there and also you have terrible insomnia which is why sometimes you have conversations with the toaster and see strange glowing lights shooting out of your fingertips. (This has happened. It should NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN).

… moving-in together. (Save this for the 365^th date. It’ll be really special and magical, I promise).

… anything you talk about with your therapist. (Except the weather. That’s ok).

… how lonely you are and how awesome it is to meet someone who really gets you. (You really get me, right?)

… your past lives. (I think I know you from somewhere, don’t I?)

… her past lives. (And how you’re meant to be together!!1!! No really, just don’t).

… how your cats really need a second mommy. (Actually, avoid the word “mommy” altogether. It’s an unsexy word).

… weird things that happened in your childhood that make you seem like a psychopath. (For example: I painted watercolors of the Hindenberg exploding! And drew pictures of various hostage situations! And made 3-D art of flies sucking on people’s blood, emphasis on the blood! And told everyone at my tenth birthday party how much it sucked to die from the bubonic plague! I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS. And maybe I will. But guess when I wouldn’t do that? ON A FIRST DATE).

… the third season of the L Word. You will both cry, and it will not be sexy.

… felonies you have committed. (And I know it seems like an obvious segue from talking about the L Word, but I promise it isn’t).

… and because it needs to be said again: women who done wronged you. I can only think of a *handful* of first dates where this hasn’t come up, and this is a shame, because there are plenty of fun things to talk about, like kittens and rainbows and ice cream and vegan recipes and how much you both like other ladies.

In short: secret feelings should be kept a SECRET. You can share them while you're processing later and healing each other's secret pain will only bring you closer together, like lesbian magnets.

Separated for the Holidays? A Coping Guide

If your families live far apart, or are not cool with your lady-loving ways, you and your companion may have to separate for the holidays. It can be tough to be separated from your lady lovah during these times of laughter and good cheer, but we are here to help you with these timely tips:

1. Constant text messaging. Did you just see a snowflake? A cute kitten? A cloud shaped kind of like the birthmark on her thigh? She needs to know these things immediately! Why wait for a phone call, email, or holiday card? This way it is like she is experiencing your every moment with you, despite your physical difference.
2. Video messages. Record a sweet or sexy (you naughty thing!) video for your love muffin and send away! Or, post to her facebook wall so that everyone is aware of your luurrvveee for each other. This will also keep the bitches away while you're apart- you must claim your woman as yours!
3. Nightly phone calls. "You hang up, no you hang up!" These goodnight chats can bring your closer together.
4. Bombard her twitter or facebook page as much as possible. Send her video clips of sad songs so she knows you are incomplete without her, pictures of sad homeless puppies, empty chairs, anything to show that your soul is incomplete without her by your side. 
5. Cosmic connection. Clearly, as lesbians we are cosmically and spiritually connected to our partners, from the moment we gaze lovingly and soulfully into each others' eyes. You might think that this means you don't need to follow the first four tips- but that would be wrong, sistren. You must maintain constant vigilance against the forces that would tear your unbreakable bond apart.

Homo Depot, and How to Avoid It

There are two kinds of lesbians: those who live for hardware stores, and those who loathe them. If you are of the latter, this chapter is for you. If you're in the former group, skip on to another chapter while I talk to your lady friend.

Lesbian friends- I hate the homo depot, and all hardware stores, with a passion. Especially the big chainstore varieties. Why are they as big as a warehouse? Who could possibly need so many different kinds of nails? What is the point? Now if you love them and for some reason are still reading, I'm sure you're giving all kinds of practical reasons, home repair, better to do it yourself, blah blah blah, but I assure you, we don't care.

If you find yourself dragged to the hardware store by your enthusiastic significant other, here are my tips for you:

1. Whine incessantly. Sigh, pout, check your watch frequently. Lament about your sore joints from all the walking, the time you could be better spending browsing a bookstore/walking the dog/ feeding the cats (you know you  have a pet, come on now, all lesbians do)/practicing Indigo Girls songs/taking a long bubble bath. Do this enough, and the next time your lady friend needs a new power tool, she probably won't try to sneak in a trip before your trip to the grocery store for the lesbian potluck/ dog park/ gay dance party.
2. Play count the lesbian. Always a fun game in any situation, this becomes more fun in these environments. It has the added element of counting singles and couples, and then further couples with 2 happy hardware store shoppers, or 1 happy shopper and 1 miserable lady who was drug there like you. 
3. Make dirty jokes about all the names for things (screws! coupling! bushing! the possibilities are endless). If you can, take pictures of the boxes and giggle while standing close to your lady friend, giving onlookers no doubt that you are a couple. This can have a very similar effect to tip number 1, though instead of whining, you just embarrass her enough to not get included in the next shopping excursion. (See pictures below for evidence that I have done with this my lady friend, and it worked!)
4. Bargain. Where does she loathe going? The local co-op? The craft store? Softball games? Make her go to one of your faves and her nightmares for every time you are forced to look at wrenches or paint samples, and see how your trips reduce significantly. 

It's really that simple ladies! Just because it's a stereotype that lady lovers love Lowes, don't feel you have to conform.