Recent Occurrences

Per the suggestion of Indigo Labrys- she's probably the only one out of our 2 readers who will find this amusing. (click on the pictures for easier viewing)

Book Dedications

Sistren, one day Indigo Labrys and I will write many wonderful lesbian novels. As we've read so many between us, we are highly qualified. In anticipation of this, we've decided to start practicing our book dedications. While we'll never reach the genius that is Radcylffe, we can try to live up to her example.

To our lady friends:

• the only stone I want to click with
• the cherry to my sundae
• the Jane to my Austen
• the only sugar I need in my tea
• for showing me true love does last forever, in this life and the next
• my soultwin and lifemate
• when you die, I want to snort your ashes like cocaine, so we never have to be alone again
• with eternal gratitude for the gift of your catdance
• thx for all the handballing
• the only one who turns my screw
• my wife, my mother, my baby girl, my sister - my everything
• So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish Tacos
• the only one who can Moby my Dick
• my personal Fingersmith
• I want to ride you into the sunset

To our animal friends:

• Mommy's perfect angel
• my spirit companion
• my favorite fuzzy friend
• my animal soul-bond
• my furchild

More Typical Occurrences

Click on the pictures to view larger

That's Not My Name

... or, Words with (Lady)Friends.

I was out for a hike with Not Allured and our mutual ladyfriends the other week, and though we spent a good hour or two discussing Chris Pureka's many charms (call either of us, CP! We will never make you take the pictures down!), we eventually moved on to talking about sexytimes. (A pretty natural segue, I'm sure you agree, unless you are (a) crazy and (b) wrong all the time).

If you've been following our blog - and more importantly, following our advice - maybe you are ready to take things in this new direction - the direction of the boudoir.

I'm sure you know what to do when you get there, but do you know what to say? Queer ladies can be a communicative bunch, and it's important to note that processing, like cats, does not always belong in the bedroom.

To help a sistren out, here are some things you may not want to say:

(1) Someone else's name. You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't always. Try especially to avoid the following names: your exes, your relatives, her exes, her relatives, or your cats.

(2) Things that are not relevant to getting in her pants. Avoid mentioning your plans to visit the Homo Depot tomorrow morning (unless you are going to make an erotic adventure out of it, as Not Allured has suggested previously), where you'd like to hang your new curtains (references to her curtains are obviously acceptable), or reminding her to take the chicken breasts out of the freezer (you can figure out the exception for yourselves here).

(3) Anything like this: "I can see myself falling in love with you" - you are (hopefully) riding a post-coital high, are probably (a) happy or (b) sleepy, and thus should refrain from making declarations of love until after you've come down (heh heh) a bit.

(4) Hand-balling. Or "Needs more Crisco." (See Sapphistry for further horrifying details).

(5) Any of the following: "Show me your catdance," "My twat is still vibrating," "let me run my tongue up deep into your hive," "tender and swallowing walls," "Just relax and it will burn real good," and "Relax, it was only E".

(6) "I want to make a baby with you" "I have a sperm donor on speed dial!"

(7) "Smile for the camera!"

(8) "My husband/boyfriend/partner will be back soon, but he's cool with it. He'd like to join too, if you're into it."

(9) "Hey, did you know you have a hair here? I hear electrolysis will take care of that."

(10) "Who's ______?"- when reading the name tattooed on their bicep

(11) "No  kitty! Bad kitty!"

(12) Anything from a lesbian romance novel or lesbian film. Or song. Or poem. Our sistren cannot be trusted for sweet nothing suggestions- and these should be personal anyway, so your ladyfriend knows it is she that you treasure, not trite phrases.

(13) "What do you mean it doesn't fit? It fit my ex-girlfriend just fine! She loved it!"

(14) "Um, what are the symptoms for ____? Cause I think I see one." (actually, if you see something, you should probably just stop what you're doing or only continue with extreme caution.)

(15) "Hey, from this angle you look kinda like my mom/sister/ex."

Further suggestions?

Typical occurrences

I'll let you guess which one is me.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

Ladies, a few moon cycles ago Indigo Labrys and I were talking about the dating woes of our past and decided it was time we addressed this important topic: mixed v. clear signals. Have you been out on a date with a hot lady and thought, "surely she wants me for my smooth intellect and my dashing good looks," only to never hear from her again? What is a lady to do?

First of all, we recommend leading by example. We're going to share some "do nots" (AKA mixed signals) and "dos" (clear signals!). These examples may or may not come from our own personal experiences... that can be a fun guessing game for you! (We wrote this one together, as we both have things to share- hypothetically, that is.)

Mixed Signals:

• Sending her poems - about the internet (see previous post on pitching woo)
• Happily agreeing to hang out all the time, but only when SHE asks YOU- you never call her to hang out
• Acting cuddly in private but aloof in public- or vice versa
• Sending mildly flirtatious texts/letters and packages filled with fun things you found in the library/ long chatty emails, but later claiming that these were just meant in friendship, and you totally always write cute letters on beer coasters to casual acquaintances and didn't meant anything by it at all (hypothetically speaking, of course)
• Dancing all sexy-like with a lady and then leaving her high and dry
• Saying you don't want to be "girlfriends" but you don't want to date or sleep with anyone else, and aren't looking either. Meanwhile, you're calling her your girlfriend to other people when she's not around, but being very adamant that SHE shouldn't use that word to describe YOU.  (again, purely hypothetical here)
• Telling her that you're totally over your ex and available for a relationship when mementos of your ex litter your house and in fact outnumber the stars (again, totally hypothetical)
  
• When you scoot close to your potential squeeze and she immediately moves away like she's being burned with hot pokers (this has happened and she WAS interested)
• Asking you out on a date but inviting her ex-girlfriend along (because she called and didn't have anything to do! it makes PERFECT sense!)
• When your lady invites you to meet her family because you're so super serious and then breaks up with you shortly after.
• When you go from making sweet sweet love to suddenly becoming very busy with (school)work. And then you stop communicating with your ladyfriend but pretend everything is fine, you're just tired, God. And then she sends you a message and is like, "Are you breaking up with me by avoiding me?" And that's how you know you've been sending mixed signals.
  

Clear signals that say "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond!":

• Sending her poems about ladies doing each other, with a note about how you would like to act this out with a special someone
• Asking her out. Now we are well aware that it is difficult to tell if it is coffee or a date, but making it clear that you are asking her on a date is always a good idea in our eyes. That way, if she doesn't want to date you and would rather it just be coffee, she can say so. You may have a moment of awkwardness, but due to the magic of lesbian sisterhood, you'll be back to enjoying your knitting circle as if nothing happened soon enough. (hmm, perhaps a future post on asking a lady out, tips and suggestions?)
• Telling her she's cute, finding excuses to touch her arm, buying her a drink = all good signs to show interest. Now if it's at a lady's birthday party and everyone is buying her a drink you may have to step it up a notch to make her realize your intentions, but we have confidence in you.
• Saying, "I like you and potentially want to be your soul bond."
• Dedicating karaoke songs to her, posting sexy little ditties on her facebook wall that make your interest clear, like "I Touch Myself" or something. (And not, for example, "Separate Ways," which one of our ladies totally sang when we went out for karaoke together, and which the author took as a sign of DISinterest).
  

Clear signals that say "I am not interested in touching your ({})":

• When a lady leans in for a hug, taking a large step back and giving a wave clearly shows you are not interested in going past the friend zone (Not that this has happened to one of us, or anything. Never.)
• Similarly, if you're not interested, talking about another girl you think is cute (even if you're embellishing) will signal to her that you're not interested in the lady right in front of you, and can prevent someone you don't want to touch ({}) with from asking you out. Unless they're one of those who likes to play games... but that kind of insanity goes beyond our advice-giving abilities. We're simple when it comes to these things.
• If she asks you out and you're just not that into her (to borrow a phrase), just say no thank you. Don't be rude, but don't say yes and get yourself into a sticky situation later when she tries to put the moves on

So ladies, we beg of you, for the good of sisterhood don't play games with your love interests. Save those for the bedroom.

An emoticon just for lady lovers

Sistren, text messaging is a fun way to communicate in these modern times. It's quick, it's easy, and a way to send a note when you don't have time for a phone call or email. A lot of people like to use cute emoticons to express their feelings (and you know lady lovers love feelings too), like a ;-) when you're feeling saucy, a :-) when you are telling your lady friend how much you enjoy her company, a (^ o ^) in response to her funny joke, or a (- _ ; ) to show you're sad because you haven't seen her in two whole hours. And of course, a <3 to say I love you, which of course you said midway through your second date.

Well friends, I have a new one for you. Or maybe it's not new for those tech-savvy ladies out there. Anyway, without further ado, I give you the vag/box/beaver/fish taco:

({})

Ladies, this gem came my way purely by accident. One of my school chums sent me this in a text message! I nearly died laughing, and asked her if she'd intended to send me a vagina. She replied that it was a hug! Obviously, this is no hug! 

I showed this to the Librarian and asked her what it looked like. She immediately said "A pussy. Maybe one enlarged and about to give birth." (This was especially funny as she never uses that word.) I polled "Amy Ray" who  made a face of discomfort and exclaimed "oh my!" I shared it with Indigo Labrys, who posted it on a mutual friend's Facebook wall, who of course said "that looks like a vagina."

What was going on? Could it be that hetero girls, like my school chum, are just not used to looking at lady parts from that angle, and are unaware of the resemblance to this combination of characters? I was determined to find out.

Last night at a dinner gathering, I asked everyone present to tell me what ({}) looked like. Straight girls, gay boys, and gay girls all had an immediate reaction of "oh!" and agreed it is a vag. How could it be that my school chum didn't see this?

The mystery was solved shortly, as she was also present. On her phone (something called a "blackberry," you know one of those bougie "smart" phones) has fancy emoticons, and when she texted me she chose one that has a smiley face with arms out like a hug. Huh. She had unknowingly been sending non-smart phone owners vaginas instead of hugs! OK, so this probably means I'm the only one getting vaginas. Whatever. At least I know that straight girls aren't totally unaware of their bodies, and now I have a new favorite thing to send to my ladyfriend. 

Just think of the possibilities for dating! For example:

• If you're not sure of your new acquaintances sexual leanings: 
• Hey girl, do u like ({})? ;-)
• Cute, simple, to the point!
• If you are hoping for a little something after your date:
• I wanna touch ur ({}) 2nite!
• Who doesn't love a flirty text?
• If you're trying to put off a suitor:
• Sorry, not n mood 4 ({}) 2nite. 
• A fun way to reject a ladies' advances!
• To tell your friend about your wild evening:
• Had 2 much ({}) last nite. Coffee?
• An easy way to tell her what you need to process about! Friend process, not lady-friend process, those two things should not be combined. 
• A friendly way to abbreviate any lady lovin' event:
• Goin 2 a ({}) bar, who's in?
• All your pals immediately know what you're talking about, and it saves you texting time!

I hope this emoticon will serve you well, sistren. Please let us know if you have other uses for it. I'm thinking T-shirts.