Lesbians, please stop embarrassing us!

Internet sistren, y'all are all kinds of crazy! And now I have clear evidence!

In case one of the two of you readers don't know this, the Librarian and I met online, on OK Cupid (or OKC for us frequent users). Yesterday I logged on to try to figure out how I could prevent lesbian-seeking dudes from trolling my profile. While I didn't manage that task, I found something else that made the effort to log on totally worth it: OK Cupid success stories! If you have an account, scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link, and prepare to be entertained!

But as well as being entertained, I was highly embarrassed by my sistren who submitted their stories. For the most part, it was filled with the insanity that is usually reserved for episodes of Lip Service (has anyone watched that? I made it through the first season and hated them all, so bad!) or a lesbian romance novel (check back soon for Indigo Labrys' post inspired by one of our recent reads!)

Because I can't begin to replicate the insanity that I saw on OKC, I'm just gonna go ahead and quote directly. Commentary is unnecessary, but I'm also gonna go ahead and comment, 'cause I have a lot of feelings. Mostly of rage and disappointment.

Many of the relationships included in the success stories started as long distance, some of them quite a long long distance, and resulting in u-hauling after a few days or months of dating. INSANE! Have fun with that when you realize you don't really know this person or anything about their living habits. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I suspect bitterness and resentment sets in.

Clearly, the OKC ladies need Indigo Labrys' and my advice! We are here to tell you what not to do when starting a relationship, and when creating your own relationship narrative. Do you want people to raise their eyebrows and avoid eye contact when you tell them your "how we met" story? I didn't think so.

Bad Example 1: Texts are not romantic

"Leaving that night, I knew that I loved her. 4 days later (15 days) after we met, Crazy Pants* told me that she loved me through a sequence of 3 text messages. Romantic? Yes because we did not know when we would be together again but we were both overwhelmed and overflowing."

* Name has been changed to reflect my feelings

Call me old fashioned, but saying I love you for the first time over a "sequence of 3 text messages" is not romantic, it's childish. Are we to assume the texts read "I" "Love" and "You?" Please. At least say it over the phone! Part of the cheesy awesomeness of your lady love saying those three words is hearing her voice actually SAY them.

Also- she said I love you 15 days after they met!!!! What in the world? Granted, I'm against revealing too much too soon (read previous post on Inappropriate Girl), but in what world is 15 days appropriate for love declarations? Ridiculous. Also, later in the story they say that they dated for 4 months, "tragedy struck" and they were apart for 2, but now they're totally on track and so in love and everything is super awesome now. Sure it is, kids, sure it is.

Bad Example 2: Don't put all your eggs in one basket

"I am so grateful for OkCupid! It gave me the love of my life, my wife, my baby's mother, my soul mate, my lover and friend, my everything and all. I met that one in a million that you only dream of sharing your life with." 

Wow, this lady has a lot of feelings. Please refer to our past posts that have mentioned other friends. These people are important to have in your life- putting all of your emotional needs into only one person can only lead to disaster!

Bad Example 3: Young lesbos, keep it classy

"‎The fact we're both still really young doesn't seem to have phased us, I don't think, plus the sex is completely brilliant and she causes me to have mind blowing orgasms every night. Oh yes, no lesbian bed death in this relationship." 

Ladies, when you're older and wiser and not 19 anymore, you may be embarrassed that you talked about your sex life so publicly. Remember our mantra, secret feelings should be secret. Also, drawing attention to your youth and how you totally know your honey is your soul mate even if you've only known each other a short time will only give people permission to mock you after your romance goes south.

Bad Example 4: Know your destination before you plan the road trip

‎"We would move in together in March of 09, me still thinking (in Feb 09) we were to be roommates when I finally just blurted out, "E, what are we exactly?"

I have so many feelings about this one! Now, as many lesbians know, it can at times be hard to tell if it's just coffee or if it's a date, so much so that that phrase is a joke and the title of a lesbian dating book. But knowing whether you're girlfriends, or just friends, or friends with benefits that could lead to more commitment, or friends who occasionally flirt or hook up when single should definitely be a requirement before deciding to move in together. You'd think this would be obvious to everyone, but apparently at least 2  lesbians are struggling with this basic concept. With their great communication skills, I predict only sunshine and roses in their future!

Bad Example 5 and 6: If you're going to submit a story, at least learn how to write a proper sentence/ something that doesn't sound like Twilight fanfic.

‎"We met on February 6th 2009 we were supposed to meet the Friday before Valentine's Day but my friend Totally-Unnecessary-to-the-Story* was going to Austin for the weekend and asked if I would like to tag along."

As I used to teach my students, only include things that support your thesis. Do we need to know about TUthS and her trip to Austin? Did something happen there relevant to your new relationship? I didn't think so.

 "Without realization, I appeared at her front step with my stomach in my throat. A 5'3" beautiful girl approached my sight and my palms started loosening the grip it had clenched to the phone I had tightly squeezed in my hand. Trying to distract myself from staring, I dropped eye contact and started to become very silent. The anticipation I had built up towards her was tumbling in my stomach, making my hands become very shaky, too shaky for me to hide. I finally built up the confidence to grab her and pull her soft lips into mine."

So many things are bad in this paragraph, but I'll just point out one. Now baby gay, I can see that you're trying to make this sound all cool and romantic. But "pull her soft lips into mine" is just not a sexy image. Are you tugging them with your hand? Are your lips gigantic suctions cups? Are they magnets? Are you those sad people on that Virgin Diaries show who look like they're eating each others' faces? Try again.

If you MUST share your love story with the interwebs, please consider these guidelines:

• Wait until your relationship actually counts as long term. Just a hint, 4 months is not long term. Especially if you live in totally different places/ have only seen each other a few times/ only say I love you over text messages.
• Don't talk about your sexy times. No one wants to hear that. Do you want your mother/boss/thesis advisor accidentally finding it? I hope not.
• Please, please refrain from using the terms "soul mate" or "love of my life." I beg you! Just don't.
• Don't use this posting as an attempt to justify your relationship. If it's real, you don't need validation via a public posting or "OMG I love her SO MUCH!!!!! My babykins is the most perfect woman ever in the world for me!!!!" It just makes it obvious that you're trying too hard.
• And please don't be a stereotype. I mean, clearly most of the lesbians who submitted stories are not mature adults, but baby lesbos, consult one of your elders before declaring your 2-month story of love to the universe.
• Do share the cute story about how you met/ got engayged, etc., but leave out all the fluff/ attempts at being artsy. No one cares about that stuff, they just wanna hear about you. As one who is guilty of being a sucker for these types of things, I speak from experience.

The Librarian and I are considering submitting a success story for the sole purpose of counteracting some of the insanity. Here's what I'm thinking so far:

"Despite her bad choice in wearing a non-date sweater to our first meeting, we went on a second date and I realized OMG SHE IS TOTALLY MY SOUL MATE FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!"

Just kidding.

An Update from Baby Gay

I am happy to report this text convo between my favorite baby gay and I:

me: So did your girlfriend still get your name tattooed? I hope not :-) 

Baby Gay: No. She decided she wanted to "wait" .. :\ 6:43 PM

Me: haha- thank goodness! let me know if she wants to move in so we can talk exit strategy :-) 6:43 PM

Baby Gay: Lol. Okay

THANK THE GODDESS!!!

Party Planning: Celebrating your U-Hauled status

Sistren, there comes a time in many a queer lady's life when you will move in with your lady friend. This may come after 1 month, 6 months, or even 1 long, long year after meeting your soulmate. The Librarian and I will officially be in a one-household relationship at the end of the month. So naturally, we want to celebrate this exciting time with our friends. I would like to celebrate it by getting rid of all non-date sweaters, and this new hideous addition to the abode (pictured below), but sadly I don't think either of these things are going to happen, so we're having a party instead.

Zebra print with neon pink faux-alligator trim. So wrong.

.

While discussing our party plans with Indigo Labrys last night (after viewing the amazingly educational film, Step Up: Revolution), The Librarian had the brilliantly cheesy idea to choose our party menu based on food we've had at past events we've hosted together. This idea made my eyes light up in that special way that only happens with the potential for embarrassingly cheesy things. The Librarian is rarely cheesy, so her innocent idea was even more awesome! I think she regretted the suggestion, however, when I quickly added that we could make little signs for all the food! Such as "Thai Cashews: First served at our very first co-hosted dinner party back in 2010!" What could be better than documentation via tasty treats? Since I also document everything with my trusty camera, I could accompany all signage with photos of said event! It would be so amazing!

Indigo Labrys also had the idea to serve everything in pairs. So charming! Just want one cucumber sandwich? No way! This party is about unity, and that means 2 of everything for everyone, appetites be damned! Or, just make everything out of pears, for a clever play on words. Fun times!

As I had not previously considered any cheesy decor options, I feel I need to really pull it together before next weekend. These are the options I have thought of so far:

• Playing that "Two of Hearts" song from the 80s on repeat, and other sweet ditties
• Use my window crayons (an amazing score from our Christmas party white elephant exchange) to draw connecting hearts with our names in them!
• A cake with a U-Haul on it! (this was The Librarians idea- it will be amazing if we actually do it)
• Librarian and school teacher action figures as a centerpiece! Or maybe just books- we have a lot of those. We could use our many lesbian romance novels, to keep with the theme!!!
• Have a craft station where guests can make their own love letters. cards, or festive headbands and pins for their special someone, or future special someone! (Though nothing will top the cheese explosion of the video birthday card I made for The Librarian, thanks to the technical hand-holding support from our pal, the Computer Whiz)

I'm sure there are many more amazing decorating options out there. What do you think, Sistren?

Captive Hearts

Captive Hearts: How Your Girlfriend is like a Cat

 

As many of our readers know, there is very little that Not Allured and I love more than our lady friends and our cats. Recently, my lady friend and I had the opportunity to cat-sit for Not Allured and her girlfriend, the Librarian. We were charged with taking care of Not Allured’s stepcat, Cat-Megan. While the Librarian claims that Cat-Megan is a sweet creature of an angelic temperament, we saw no evidence to support her obviously spurious claims. 

Cat-Megan spent many hours stalking my lady-friend and me; when we ran upstairs to clean her litterbox, she would follow us up and sit on the landing, waiting to pounce upon our feet while hissing crazily. I attempted to dissuade her from this by waving a washcloth in her face, but she took it away and then attacked my feet with even more rage. In addition to pouncing whenever we came within three feet of her, she became increasingly distressed when we made eye contact with her. By the end of the first day, we were afraid to walk past her, and began avoiding any room she occupied. 

But my ladyfriend and I were determined to free ourselves from Cat-Megan’s reign of furry terror. We decided to take measures to launch a counterstrike. And it was during Operation Enduring Lesbian Freedom that I discovered something both beautiful and terrible: winning the affections (or at least, toleration) of a cat is not unlike finding a girlfriend. 

Here are some incontrovertible proofs (and ways to woo yourself a lady friend who will be your companion animal FOR LIFE):

(1)   It is easier to make friends with cats and ladies when both are feeling vulnerable. Cat-Megan, for example, was very distressed because both the Librarian and Not Allured were nowhere to be found, and she is a highly sociable kitty. After 24 -48 hours of no attention and no petting, Cat-Megan was feeling lost and forlorn and was thus ready for us to go in for the kill. This is not unlike when the object of your affections has gone through a rough break-up; now is the time to make your move, sistren! Do it while she’s emotionally vulnerable and scared that she’ll never get petted again.

(2)   Food is a useful albeit creepy way to achieve closeness. Cat-Megan ran from our touch whenever we attempted to pet her, but sought us out when she was hungry. As long as she was hungry, we could pet her for a good 30 seconds at a time before she realized she wasn’t getting fed and ran away. When we put down food for her, we could pet her for exactly as long as it took for her to wolf down her dinner. Likewise, ladies also like food – as you will remember, the Librarian purchased her first veggie cookbook when she began dating our sistren, Not Allured. I like to take this a step further, however, and plan really heavy foods for the first date; my lady friend is particularly susceptible to this, and will often succumb to a post-prandial nap, thus allowing me to sniff her hair and cut locks of it for my special memory box. If it’s a particularly heavy food, like a dozen potatoes, I can be assured of several hours of quality hair-smelling and face-stroking.

(3)   Be emotionally withholding. Cats hate it when you’re interested in them; when you run after them with your arms outstretched screaming “CUDDLES!” they freak the fuck out and hide under the bed. Women will pretty much do the same thing, except for that they won’t be anywhere near your bed. If you’re emotionally withholding, though, you can lure those sly pussies out from their hidey-holes and stroke them to your heart’s content. 

(4)   Much like your cat, girlfriends are also cutest and most loveable in the earliest stages of your relationship. Make sure to appreciate your girlfriend’s “kitten phase” while it lasts; help her use up that boundless kitten energy and play with her as much as she wants! Eventually, that kitten phase will end, and she will just want to sleep on your couch all the time.

(5)   Like a kitty, your girlfriend may want to prowl around at all hours of the night. Kitties are easily lured away from your warm, comfortable home by the promise of new sights and smells, like line-dancing and booze at the local gay bar. Make it clear to your kitty that chasing tail is strictly prohibited, and that you will lock her out of the house and take away all her nice wet food if she strays. Unless of course you are in an open relationship with your cat. 

(6)   Kitties go crazy for wet food. They find a dry meal incredibly unappetizing because, like your girlfriend, they are carnivores at heart. Open your cans early and often. 

So there you have it. Six ways that demonstrate how cats and lesbians are kindred spirits. Now go make her purr, ladies.

Just Say No to Name Tattoos

Sistren, I used to be a high school teacher. Every now and then one of my former students will email or text me (Google voice! A teaching lifesaver!), to tell me how school is going, update me on the latest county gossip, or ask for advice. Sometimes, this advice gets a little personal, and therefore hilarious.

Last week one sent me a text saying she had a question. We'll call her Baby Gay. Every time I hear from her, especially if it starts like this, my heart beats a little faster because I worry about Baby Gay out in the boondocks. Upon seeing her question though, I let out a sigh of relief, and a loud chuckle.

This was our conversation in a nutshell:

Baby Gay: I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year, and she wants to get a tattoo of my name.

Not Allured: (My internal monologue, after I'd stopped laughing) OMG nooooooo teen lesbians! Just say no to name tattoos!!! And probably all tattoos, you'll regret that huge gay pride tattoo one day!



Baby Gay: I don't think it's a good idea, but I'm afraid that if she does get it, I'm obligated to stay. If she gets it, and I leave, would I be considered mean?

Not Allured: (THANK THE GODDESS BABY GAY DOESN'T WANT ONE TOO!) (this next part is a direct quote) 1st of all, that would not be mean, and I'm glad you think it's a bad idea because it is a very bad idea! Everyone always regrets name tattoos- and it usually dooms you to break up. So, you should not encourage her to get one, and not feel obligated to stay either.

Oh teengagers, this is why I love you, you're a constant source of entertainment just be being you. Never change. But NEVER get someone's name tattooed on your person. I'm so glad I could be there as a guide for Baby Gay during these rites of lesbian passage. Hopefully she'll send me another text when her almost-a-year girlfriend wants to move in together immediately upon graduating from high school next spring.

This goes for adults too! Even if it's not your honey boo's name, but you're getting some symbolic representation of your love for each other, don't do it. Ever. It's just not going to end well for you. I mean, Shane and Carmen tried this route,
even putting it in a kind-of-but-not-really-hidden spot at the nape of their neck, and we all know how well that turned out. And if you don't, then why are you reading this?

So if any of our 2 readers have a name tattoo of someone they're actually still in a relationship with, and you still think your tattoo is an amazing testament to your love, let me know. As long as you didn't just get the tattoo yesterday or something, then it doesn't count.

And for the rest of you sistren, just say NO to matching tattoos. No matter how long you've been together or how much you know your lady friend of 3 weeks is the one you'll be with until you're both in dentures, it's just a bad idea. Just because your lives, friends, pets, and households have merged, does not mean that your very skin has to. Keep a little something for yourself. Especially when that little something is permanent, barring expensive laser treatments. Feel free to cite us as evidence if your lady friend has a moment of weakness and suggests such a thing.

And to the Baby Gays out there- keep asking us questions. It makes us feel important. Even suave, sophisticated sapphic sisters such as us can use an ego boost every now and then.

How do I live without you? I want to know

Sistren, I am currently working a job where I am away from The Librarian. It is almost finished, but when I return we will have been living apart for an entire MONTH! Which in lesbian time, is equivalent to 1.2 years.

As you can imagine, this is a great hardship. The lonely nights in my sad single bed (sad mostly because it is a sub-par dorm mattress), missing evenings cooking together while I eat my sad food (the scale goes from "edible" to "only makes you feel slightly nauseous" to "don't touch it if you value your life"), and mornings where I don't have to share the bathroom (actually, not worrying about using all the hot water is awesome!).

So how do I cope with this time of trial? What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Well, sistren, you can look at our previous post on surviving separate holiday travel, as many of the same tips apply. If in your state of extreme anguish you can't manage that task, I have some more words of wisdom for you.

1) Skype and video calling are your friends! Thanks to technology, you can stare soulfully into each others eyes from across the distance. No matter how many miles lay between you and your life mate, the soul connection you share is always as close as your heartbeat.

2) As mentioned previously, send her constant text messages! Since you won't see her in the evening to tell her every minute detail of your day, make sure she gets this information in some form. Did your coworker tell a funny joke that you kinda had to be there to get but because you share everything with your soul twin you know she'll find it hilarious too? Did you think of her when you brushed your teeth and realized her toothbrush wasn't there? Did you have a sandwich that was a poor substitute for the one she would have lovingly placed in your personalized lunch bag? Tell her these things at once, and it'll be like she's sharing the experience!

3) Talk about your love muffin constantly with your new friends and coworkers! Because nothing brings a group together like pining over loved ones. It's easy to bring up your lady friend in conversation- just bring her up anytime something reminds you of her, which is probably ALL the time. "Oh, you forgot your key this morning? Once my lady friend did too, and I had to meet her at work to give them to her! Aren't girlfriends the best?" If they look at you strangely for always bringing her up, just know that they're contemplating the deep feelings you have towards your sig-l.

4) Have a picture of your lady friend beside your bed/ printed onto a pillowcase/ embroidered on a T-shirt/ etc., so you can be close to her during the nights of flying solo. What better way to express your love than with a physical manifestation? I can't think of one, can you?

5) Obviously your lady friend is calling/texting/emailing you daily or even hourly, but is that really enough? Get your mutual friends to send you updates too! If you know she's going to dinner with someone, ask them what you talked about/ what she was wearing/ if she looked like she had been crying from missing you so much/ etc. This is what friends are for, to help you through these trying times.

I hope these tips will serve you well, sistren. If all else fails, just read lesbian romance novels. If you're feeling especially disheartened, just cross out the protagonists' names and write in those of you and your honey. Indigo Labrys and I can recommend some if you're in need.

And remember, though nothing will ever get between you and your soul bond, better safe than sorry.

Face Off

Hello, lesbians.

Let's talk about internet dating.

Since I moved to North Cackalacky, I have been an internet dating machine - not only because I am a skankypants and a massive procrastinator, but because it has by far been the most effective way for me to make friends in the area with as little effort as possible. Never before has it been this easy for me - and you, and lesbians everywhere - to locate potential gal pals and then vet them without investing precious time and energy or losing your dignity. Never again will you pick up a cute lady at the bar to find out she doesn't read and is as dumb as a bag of hair. (True story). 

However! This does not mean that internet dating is without its dangers. Perils abound! People lie all the time and try to play to your expectations (it's like a job interview ... for your bed). How can you combat their tricksy lies and schemes? There is a way out: be a good reader of internet dating profiles. Treat each profile like it's a poetry assignment from your 10th grade English teacher and close read that shit.

Thanks to my time procrastinating at OKC (and match.com, and tangowire, and plentyoffish, and planetout), here are some things to watch out for:

(1) Let's start at the beginning: profile pictures. I have included an illustrated guide to what NOT to do in your profile picture. Do not: include photos that don't actually look like you. While I know that you (like me) are probably a beautiful iridescent butterfly whose charms are much more apparent while you're flitting around effortlessly in life and thus cannot be captured by a camera, some photos will look more like you than others. Choose these photos. Do not select photos from your short-lived career as a teen model, from your infancy, or from (if you are me) that time that you used to wear a lot of tie-dye. Not only will you be harder to find should you meet up, but you might really be disappointing any dates who are tie-dye aficionados, a style from which you have since moved on.

You should also choose pictures in which you are visible: even if you love your cat, try to avoid pictures in which your entire face is obscured by your cat / dog / fishbowl; additionally, and this seems to be especially problematic for lesbians, DON'T choose that picture of you doing something outdoors with a bunch of trees. Not only are you wearing sunglasses and a helmet and a bodysuit, you're cycling so fast you're slightly blurry. Goddammit.

(2) Be wary of the following: anyone who says they don't like drama, anyone who says that they do like drama, anyone who says that they're over their ex and ready to move on. (Respectively, these can be translated as, "I am a magnet for drama but lack the self-awareness to know / fix this," "I'm fucking insane, and "If I were over my ex, I probably wouldn't need to state this.")

(3) This is more of a personal pet peeve, but anyone whose favorite books are all books that they read in high school. Because this means that the last book that you read was in high school. (e.g. "The Count of Monte Cristo," "Nine Coaches Waiting," "Macbeth," "The Scarlet Letter," and "The Pearl" - omg, did you go to my high school?! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!)

(4) Be wary of: these two words! "Ayn Rand." Just close that window, now. (Unless you like Ayn Rand, in which case, why are you reading my website? Don't you have a busy schedule of complaining about how you're being oppressed by the needs of others?)

(5) Be wary of: anyone who doesn't "believe" in either evolution or dinosaurs. (It's a belief, y'all). Anyone who thinks either interracial marriage or homosexuality is wrong. (Also an okc question, wtf). (AND I HAVE BEEN MESSAGED BY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE ALL THESE THINGS).

(6) Be wary of: anyone who describes their love for cats as "intense." (I just saw this on an okc profile and it's beautiful but mostly terrifying).

Anything I'm missing? I'd like to close with this picture of me, which I have never used on an internet dating profile, ever.

Aaaand, you're welcome. PS - Thanks to "Not Allured" and Danae for the blog fodder.