Gettin' Hitched: How to Plan a Wedding in 2 Weeks

Hi all, we're taking a break from our regularly scheduled snark to gush a small amount: The Librarian and I are getting married! Yay for entering a patriarchal, heteronormative institution! We decided awhile ago (well, I did at least) that we wanted to get married when it was federal so now's the time! Thanks SCOTUS!

While we have had lots of fun attending weddings of family and friends, the thought of planning our own is way too stressful. Instead, we're having a very, very small and low-key ceremony. I'll be posting a few things about our nuptials to help out either of our 2 readers who may be planning for their own civil muffin ceremony. So without further ado, I give you my tips to plan a wedding in two weeks. Though our actual wedding isn't happening for awhile, our planning is essentially done! Hooray!

1. Harass your girlfriend until she consents to marry you. With The Librarian, this was a work in progress! As with all things she freaks out about, I just kept bringing it up until eventually she agreed with me. One night a few months ago, I said something like "let's look at wedding rings" and instead of responding with her usual "Ughhh! No!" she said "OK." Shocked, I checked that she had not suffered from a stroke, and made sure she was actually consenting to marriage. She replied "You knew you'd get your way eventually" and proceeded to look at rings with me. Win! I am definitely the Mark to her Allen in our relationship. So keep nagging ladies and you'll eventually get your way!
2. Have siblings who have paved the way to not having a wedding. My sister and bro-in-law got married at a quicky place in the city where they lived, and didn't tell anyone for NINE MONTHS. That's right. They moved right after they tied the knot and everyone in their new town knew them as a married couple, but none of their friends and family were any wiser. So since we are at least telling people before the event, we're doing great!
3. Have siblings who've had big-ish weddings. On The Librarian's side, her siblings both had traditional weddings with the dress, reception, the whole she-bang. Since that has been covered by my out-of-laws we feel no familial obligation to do it ourselves. Thanks guys!
4. Live in a place with a discriminatory legal system that allows you to plan the event before you can actually do it. Because I've been scheming to marry The Librarian for a few years now so I had basically decided what I wanted to do a long time ago (as previously discussed, she always comes to my side). We have the fascinator picked out, the spot, the people, and that's all we care about so it was easy! We just had to put the plan in action once we had the green light. While if you live in the U.S. you don't have this advantage anymore, start planning early in line with Tip #1 above. 
5. Make a list of all your family and realize it's a ridiculous amount of people. Then throw away the list. We decided having a lot of people was not worth the stress and expense, especially as we had 60+ with family alone. Yikes! We love y'all, but no.
6. Pick a spot that's hard to get to. In line with throwing out your list, pick a spot they couldn't all fit anyway. I don't want to get married at the courthouse because people get sentenced to jail and pay parking tickets there, so it seems like bad juju. Instead, we've picked a pretty spot in the mountains. It's a short hike, but a hike nonetheless, and there's definitely not enough space for 60+ people on the mountain, let alone in the tiny parking lot. We decided it's more important to us to be in a spot we love and have the ceremony be about us and our relationship, rather than including everyone we care about. 
7. Be old. Not being in our 20s, we are more removed from our parents and immediate families and so don't feel like we have to please anyone with our personal decisions. This is great for doing what you want and not being pressured into having a big celebration, a dress you hate, accommodating everyone, etc. Not that our families would be high maintenance, but the more people you include the more opinions there are. And we're both super stubborn and don't like being told what to do. Many people we know who did get married in their 20s and had bigger weddings have expressed jealousy at our low-key plans so we feel pretty smug about it. 
8. Have a friend who's conveniently a pastor IRL.  Even though I'm a heathen, we're being married by a pastor. Not Pastor Skip, as I'll call him. He's in my cohort at PhD school and has a desk in the same shared office space as me. So as soon as I had obtained consent from The Librarian, I asked Not Pastor Skip how he felt about mountains and heights, and we had our officiant. 
9. Get a tiny wedding entourage. Going with our low-key plan of not having anyone fly out for our wedding, we're not going to have our folks or siblings there. We'd love to have them there, but see numbers 6 and 7 for not inviting them. Plus, our families live far away so when they come we want to visit and hang out, which is not something we want to do after we get hitched. So instead, we're just having Not Pastor Skip; Indigo Labrys as our Best Homo/Queer; and our friends/family Old Married 1 and Old Married 2 as our witnesses. Offspring of Old Marrieds will be our ring bearer in spirit though he's not allowed anywhere near our actual rings (sorry OoOMs, you don't have enough motor skills yet). 
10. Only do the traditions that matter to you and your woman. Since we're not going traditional, we are just picking the things we like and skipping everything else. It makes the planning a lot easier. We're having rings (already ordered!), a tiered cake (at a simple party several months later), and that's pretty much it. Easier than playing 'spot the lesbian' at a Tegan and Sara concert. 

So that's it folks! I'll post more later about our actual plans as we ready ourselves to enter the world of conservative legalized relationships!

Lesbian Aunting!

Dear readers, my sister sent me a picture of my nephew in one of my custom onesies, which reminded me I wanted to share them with you! Let it be an inspiration to those of you who wish to clothe your tiny relatives in awesomeness. (Tater Tot was my nephew's in-utero nickname). If you have other ideas for shirts my nephew should wear, please share them in the comments!

Engagement and Wedding Photos for us Lady-Loving Ladies!

Hi friends! It's been an embarrassingly long time since since we have posted- we blame dissertating for everything. 

As the SCOTUS will (hopefully) soon decide that everyone can enter the problematic, patriarchal institution of marriage regardless of their sexual orientation, we anticipate seeing an increase in lesbian weddings in our social circles. A time to rejoice! A time to make drunken toasts, eat bland catered food, and dance to classic hits such as "YMCA" and "We are Family." 

What could be better than a wedding? Fancy engagement and wedding photos, of course! I recently read this hilarious article about how annoying engagement photos are, and another friend sent me this absurd list of "don't miss" shots for your wedding. They're filled with ideas like shots of your clasped hands, pictures of the bride crying and/or hugging family members, and gendered portraits of the wedding party getting ready on the big day. I feel like we can do better, don't you? 

So without further ado, here are some suggestions for your engagement and wedding photos that truly represent our lady loving communities. As one of my PhD buddies' suggested, I will use Bride A and Bride 1 to "prevent hierarchy," cause we're all about equality here.

Engagement Shots

1. To playfully acknowledge that your marriage won't signal lesbian bed death, pose in a cemetery lying artfully on a mattress. Close your eyes and touch each others' faces for extra flair. 
2. Gingerly hold "Future Mrs. and Mrs." signs and far away from your bodies. Bonus points if you're gagging. 
3. A close-up of your cat-hair covered legs, seated side-by-side on the couch. 
4. Your fur-children wearing rainbow collars and holding a little sign with your wedding date!
5. Your wedding rings artfully placed on a pair of scissors. 

Wedding Shots

1. Bride 1 aggressively dancing at Bride A, while A cowers in embarrassment.
2. Bride A and Bride 1 getting dressed by themselves, cause we are all independent, self-sufficient adults. 
3. The wedding party drinking cocktails before the ceremony, instead of applying makeup or fixing their hair. Who wants to do those things when you can enjoy adult beverages?
4. Slightly uncomfortable straight wedding guests (preferably distant relatives who aren't sure what they think of the gays) with fake smiles plastered on their faces. 
5. Bride 1 making crazy eyes at Bride A during their vows- Bride A looking exasperated. 
6. The brides' fur-children wearing tuxes, fascinators, vests, etc. It's important to involve your whole family in the big day!
7. Standing in front of your closet filled with flannel shirts and sensible shoes. 
8. A sign of your getaway Suburu with "Just Merged" written on the back window. 

 

What other photo ideas do you have for the big day?

Apologies for being neglectful- but look who we just met!

Indigo Labrys and I were just at an amazingly bookish conference together, and we got to meet the one and only Ann M. Martin! We were so excited! And just so you know, Indigo has another Taylor Swift post in her head, that she will get on the blog when she gets a chance for a dissertating break. (Hint, Hint, IL)

Ten Mindblowing Positions That Cosmo Left Out!

Ahem.

Happy end of summer, lesbian sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; I have been busy thinking about writing my dissertation (and also occasionally writing my dissertation). However, because I wish to maintain my friendship with Not Allured, and because I received an infusion of gayness this past week in the form of the North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I feel the spirit of all queer ladies everywhere moving within me. Giggity.

Perhaps you remember seeing this post on lesbian sex positions when it appeared on Cosmo's website about a month ago? If you remember it - and if you don't remember it, please go check it out if/when you need a good laugh - you will recall that it was fucking ridiculous and that these positions were particularly notable for their overuse of high heels (and nothing else!!1!) as well as using different names to refer to ... mmm, basically the same thing. (Position: Rub your clit somewhere. Titles: The Sexy Spider The Passionate Pole-dancer ... I'm not making these up, people!)

Anyway. Not Allured obviously IMMEDIATELY posted this to my wall. We were both disturbed by how femme all of the illustrations were (not all lesbians wear high heels all the time, yo) as well as by how unwieldy and unsatisfying some of the positions seemed. Not to be a buzzkill (and if this is your thing, get down with your bad self), but I don't see how Defying Gravity could be fun when all the blood is rushing to your head (and not to your nether regions). But I am very clumsy, so who knows?

Also also, we laughed hysterically at the claim that scissoring is the classic lesbian position. When everyone knows that processing is the classic lesbian position. Not.

So Not Allured and I came up with our own suggestions.

Here are TEN MIND-BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS (tested by ACTUAL LESBIANS or in my case by a queer lady)

1. "Locking the Cats Outside the Bedroom"

In this sexy, underused position, you'll want to grab your cats carefully and gently drop them outside the bedroom door. You and your partner will then want to begin making passionate love as loudly as possible to drown out their cries and the sound of them clawing at your bedroom door. It's not an easy position, but it'll turn your partner into a WILDCAT.







2. "Well-of-No-More-Loneliness"

In this position, you'll want to GET DIRTY while you GET CLEAN. Replace the two rubber ducks with fornicating human bodies (because I can't draw humans or ducks, really) and get it on while you're in the bathtub.










3. "The Hillary Clit-ton"

In this topical position, interrupt your partner's love-making to discuss Hillary Clinton's presidential run in 2016. Talk about what it really means to have a woman on top, and then put it into practice. Your partner will thank you 2016 times over.








4. "Desert Hearts"

For this position, keep your AC off to heat things up in the bedroom. She'll never desert your heart.












5. "The Fast-Pitch"

Quickie sex before an Indigo Girls concert. (You may or may not want to initiate by asking her to "multiply life by the power of two." Remember to check in with your partner and help her get closer to fine.)






6. "Hungry Thighs"

Dance like nobody's watching.
Dance like Baby and Penny in "Dirty Dancing."

Remember that God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.










7. "Sock It To Me"

While Cosmo's sex tips involve keeping your heels on at all times, this position is for queers with poor circulation.

Also, if you keep your socks on, you will SAVE THE DAY by not scratching your partner with your toenails or something.













8. "Curious Wine"

When you and your partner stare deep into each other's eyes without actually touching, as in "Curious Wine." (Then start touching, but make sure you are keeping your soulbond intact.)

9. "The Chakram"

You'll want to bring in some Xena-style acrobatics for this one. Because the Cosmo tips were so focused on grinding, for this position, you'll want to do backflips. And then start grinding. Because according to Cosmo, this is all lesbians do. (I swear to Amy Ray, at least half of them involved rubbing your clit on something.)

10. "Let It Burn"

Make like Usher and LET IT BURN. This is to say, burn your copy of Cosmo, and then do whatever the fuck you want with your partner!

Happy mother's day, to all the lady-loving cat mommies out there! We salute you!

Love,
Not Allured and Indigo Labrys

Dating a PhD Schooler: Survival Tips

Hello sistren! Sorry we have been so neglectful. Because PhD school keeps us both from blogging as much as we should, I thought I would procrastinate from my own PhD work this morning to bring you another blog post. And to keep it kind of on topic with the work I should be doing, we bring you a survival guide for dating a lady in PhD school. If you have your own tips, please leave them in the comments.

Ok, so congratulations, you've met a super smart/insane lady who's in PhD school! PhD school is awesome! But dating a lady who's in PhD school can create some unique challenges for a relationship (just ask The Librarian), and we are here to help! Follow our advice and you may be on your way to domestically merged bliss with your favorite nerd.

Tip 1: Don't take her study snacks
When writing PhD things, special juju is required. Writing pants (this is a real thing- one of my professors told us so), your desk and chair at just the right angle, and writing snacks. If your lady friend has designated something as a writing snack, don't try to eat them/ask her to share. It will end badly. Even one- asking for one is still too many.

Tip 2: If she picks a fight over something stupid, she's probably stressed
Or maybe this is just me? Several times, mostly at night, when my brain was trying to wind down, I would decide to pick a fight over something dumb like laundry. If your lady friend is doing this, ask her (at a time when she won't explode at you) if she's just stressed out from PhD school. The answer is probably yes- and if this pattern can be figured out by your PhD school lady, she can do something to alleviate this stress in more productive/ less annoying ways.

Tip 3: Expect to hear a lot of talk about things/people you don't care about
This one came directly from The Librarian (and I would like to maintain that she SHOULD care about my incessant prattling about my theoretical frameworks/ scholar crushes/ classmates/ professors). But seriously- like most people who have an all-consuming job/career/study something, your lady friend will probably talk about her school stuff ALL the time. All the time. So do your best to nod and ask interested questions, and expect a quiz later (what do you MEAN you don't know who Betty Brainy is? I told you about her yesterday when I was relating in painful detail all the people I met at the conference!!). You've been warned.

Tip 4: Don't get upset if she can't go to the Amy Ray concert with you
Your PhD lady will likely not be able to go to all the fun things you want to share with her because:
1) Grad students are poor. Really, really poor. This will especially come up if you ask her to do something at the end of the month/right before pay day. Or after she's gotten back from a conference and spent all her funds on traveling. Save the really nice things for early in the month when that stipend is fresh in her bank account! Plan to cook dinner instead of going out, and generally do things that are not going to cost a lot of money (and realize her "a lot" may be different from yours).
2) She is busy. Really, really busy. You may wonder how someone who only has a part time job (this is what she means when she refers to her assistantship) can be so busy. They key to remember is a PhD student is never, ever off work. We work all the time, and when we're not, we feel guilty about not working. It's a sickness. And while sometimes we should stop working (see the next tip), a lot of the time this is hard if not impossible. So if she refuses your invitation, but asks to hang out another time or seems genuinely regretful, she may really be saying she can't go- don't think she's not that into you (unless other signs point in this direction). It may also help to find out when is  her best work time (trust me, she'll know), and try not to ask to hang out during those times. I have been known to refuse to do something fun with The Librarian if it's in the morning, which is when I write best.

Tip 5: Get her to take a break now and then.
Now, while she will be working A LOT try to get her to take a break sometimes. But, be sure you ask her if 1) whatever she's working on is due tomorrow/in a few hours, 2) if she is on schedule with whatever she's working on. If the answers are no and yes, put a glass of wine in her hand, dangle her hiking shoes in front of her face, whatever floats your boat. She'll thank you later, and be more productive after a brain rest/ spending time with her special lady. And this may help her remember that it takes two to have a relationship/dating fun time and she should come out from her study cave and hang out with you.

Tip 6: Celebrate her successes and milestones together. 
PhD school is hard! It makes the successes along the way all the more meaningful. So did your lady friend get a publication, pass her comps, her proposal, finish her coursework, get a presentation in the big conference? That's a cause for celebration, in whatever way y'all like best. (The Librarian recommends keeping your bar stocked for cocktails- this works for Tip 5 too). While she will also want to celebrate these with her Phd School friends*, she'll want to celebrate them with you too, especially if you've followed the other tips and been an awesomely supportive lady friend during these times of trial. Besides, who doesn't love multiple celebrations? She may even thank you in her dissertation acknowledgement section, and hasn't everyone dreamed of that?

*Note: Sometimes she may want to celebrate just with her PhD school buddies, and this is OK. Remember, if you have read our other posts, you should still have other friends who you also hang out with without her. And while separation is hard, it can make the heart grow fonder!
From The Librarian: "Don't let them think I am a clingbot!" [She isn't sistren! She is really great at not being clingy and never caring when I go hang out with friends solo]. "This is a really intense experience, and she is going to bond with her classmates."

And there you have it folks, good luck navigating the PhD school journey from the Sig-O perspective. You may wish to find others in this situation so you can bond/ share war stories/ emote about how sick you are of hearing about school. Other friends are great!