uhMERGEncy!!!

So Not Allured has most recently experienced the horrors of (coerced) lesbian merging. Since she is still recovering from shaking and crying, I am going to help a sister out and address the serious problem of lesbian merging (whether coerced or not).

Being merged is not unlike being codependent. Some of the things that contribute to your codependence – precisely identical interests, shared circles of friends, your inability to spend an hour apart without withering and wilting away like a precious flower – are also signs that you and your ladyfriend may have merged. It’s kind of like a Venn diagram … a lady-loVenn diagram, if you know what I mean.

And so consequently there are other behaviors that are red flags for merging that are unique and special like lesbian snowflakes (how are lesbians like snowflakes? they’re cold to the touch and they melt in your mouth). Consider the following –

(1) Do you and your ladyfriend wear the same flannel shirt when you go out line-dancing at the lesbian clurb? (Bonus points if it happens entirely by accident; like, she got up to feed the cats, threw on her favorite flannel shirt, and left the house without your seeing her, and then later, you were like, hmm, what goes better with line-dancing than flannel? NOTHING).

(2) Do you find yourself saying the same things at the same time as your ladyfriend? My ladyfriend and I occasionally do this. She likes to say, “Get out of my head, Charles!” because she is a big nerd, and I find it kind of endearing, but I also recognize that these behaviors are a problem, and so I try extra hard to be contrary and make my responses unique. (Possible solution? Just disagree with everything your ladyfriend says all the time and then have hate-sex).

(3) Do you and your ladyfriend ever break out in song together? While this is a common occurrence during the soul-binding, deal-sealing act of lesbian lovemaking -- while you shelter beneath one another’s willow trees and replenish your spirit – if it happens outside the boudoir, you may have merged. (And again, while this is something that my girlfriend “Amy Ray” and I do, I know it’s a problem, y’all. We just really enjoy sharing our feelings through song, ok?)

(4) Do friends, acquaintances, or even your parents address you by the other’s name? (If you have the same name, your problems are even bigger than you realize. NEVER DO THIS. This is partly why I have changed my name to Indigo Labrys, because I have experienced this and want to avoid it in the future as I shun patriarchy itself). Or have a joint name for the entity that is your relationship? (Do you answer to this name?) (We do).

(5) Do you talk frequently about how you knew each other in past lives? Do you cry and hold each other when this happens and apologize for things that your past selves did to each other? (Xena and Gabrielle get a pass, obviously, because they are ACTUALLY two parts of the same soul and thus are ACTUALLY merged FOR REALZ).

(6) Do you look the same in photographs? Do friends confuse you for each other? I understand why this happens – your ladyfriend is hot, who wouldn’t want to look like her? – but you must take steps to avoid this. There are simple ways to do this – does your ladyfriend smile a lot in photographs? Don’t smile anymore. You can also cut off her hair when she sleeps and then use it to make friendship bracelets for your anniversary, if hair is an issue.

There are many ways in which the uniquely terrible phenomenon of lesbian merging can be experienced.

If any of these signs seem familiar, don't panic. Merging, like cars and time, can be reversed, and you can break its octopus-like hold on your life.

The solution is simple: remember that you and your girlfriend are actually different people, no matter how sad this makes you - there is no "u" or "your girlfriend" in "lesbian" - there's only an I.

Are you codependent? Or do you have to ask your lady friend?

Sistren, sometimes when you're in a relationship, it's easy to sink dangerously close to the depths of codependency. "Not I!" you may shout. "I am perfectly capable of functioning on my own! I am an independent lady, just like Beyonce!" Of course you are friend! But just in case, see how many of the following apply to you. If it's more than two or three, or you find yourself going through this list with a lady friend, you could have fallen victim to codependency. (This is similar and related thought not equal to another lesbian phenomena, u-hauling). It happens to the best of us, sistren, so we can forgive you. Now, for the list:

1. You only accept an invitation or ask a friend to hang out after checking with your lady.
2. You'd like to start a new hobby, like tennis or dream-catcher making, but want to consult your soul-mate first to see if it's a good idea
3. Choosing your job/school location based on the needs of your lady friend, who you've been dating for a whole two days now, or even like 6 months, because that's completely enough time to make important life decisions with each other
4. Converting to veganism/Atkins, etc, after a few dates (The librarian totally bought a vegan cookbook after our second date, but just explained to me that this is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from codependency, as she wasn't changing her dietary habits, just showing an interest in mine. And since I benefit from her possession of said cookbook, I'm not about to argue the point)
5. Spending a night/ a few hours apart is a hardship you can't bring yourself to bear (you may claim that you don't live together, but no one is fooled)
6. Things that you used to do by yourself- exercising, shopping, bathing, meeting friends for brunch- you now only do with your lady on your arm.
7. All of your stories include your lady friend, and you utter her name every other word
8. Your interests or beliefs change quickly and for no reason other than to be in sync with your woman. "I'm totally into rock climbing now, I don't know why I used to think I was afraid of heights!"
9. You would turn down something awesome, like a ticket to see Tegan & Sarah, if your lady couldn't get a ticket too.
10. Friends start to get annoyed with you because they never see you alone anymore, and you won't shut up about your lady friend when they do see you. This can often be accompanied by a tendency to not be conscious of things that should be private and canoodle with your lady in public. Just say no ladies, no one likes seeing their friends making out. As we've said in earlier posts, teenagers are not hot, don't act like one.

There are so many examples I could list here, but you get the picture. Ladies, as easy as it may be to get sucked into the relationship vortex, don't lose your personality completely. Merging is boring. I mean come on ladies- sometimes you have to hang out by yourself for some serenity time, or hang out with your friends sans-lady so that you can talk about how awesome she is and ohmygosh she's just perfect and don't they just love her too??!!

Valentine's Gifts for your Lady Friend

Hey lady-lovin' ladies, it's Valentine's Day! And before you scream patriarchy, consumerism, and heteronormativity, don't tell me y'all don't love an excuse to eat chocolate as much as the next we'moon. If you haven't gotten your lady lovah a gift yet, fear not, I am here to advise you! Take this list to the coop/animal shelter and get your lady something that proves your love for her.

1. A new kitty or puppy. She may have 10 already, but what lady lovin' lady isn't also a pet lover in need of a new animal companion? She'll love your new child, and you can stay up tonight coming up with the perfect Xena character to name it after
2. A poem written by you! What could better show your devotion than your own words? (The Librarian totally swooned at the librarian themed poem I put in her Christmas card- wait till she sees her Valentine's card! She'll be smitten for sure!)
3. Promise rings. You may have been dating for a long time, like a month and a half, so it's surely time to proclaim your undying love. Bonus points for getting them engraved with your names/initials/date of first date.
4. A painting of your face, in a lovely frame, for her to put right beside the bed, in her office, in the hallway.
5. A book of sexy stories to read at bedtime. Lady sexy stories, of course, which involve a lot of relationship processing and angsty internal monologues. Feel free to read these dramatically to your honey, she will surely fall for your words.
6. Chocolate boobs and other lady parts, to symbolize what you really like about your lady.
7. Tickets to a Xena convention, so you can celebrate surrounded by your sistren.
8. A season pass to the local roller derby/ softball team, and matching shirts that show your loyalty to your favorite team and each other!

You  may be saying, Not Allured, what about just getting her something special that she's been wanting for awhile but wouldn't buy for herself? No no sistren, anyone can do that, you need to get your lady something that will prove without a doubt that you're a lady lovin' lady, and you love her best. 

One Night Stand = FUN night ... stand ...

So as all four of the readers of this blog know, Not Allured and I really love us some lesbian romance novels.

Lesbian romance novels are a subject that is really close to my heart. Sometimes, even closer than cats. And while lesbian romance novels open up whole new worlds of lesbian goodness in the form of Xena-ubers, shudder-inducing depictions of sexytimes (see "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit You Should Not Put in Your Vagina" and let your imagination run wild), and heartwarming tales of emotional pain had and healed, they also have develop some themes I find absolutely maddening.

Such as their inexplicable hatred of the one-night stand. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I read about a one-night stand in a lesbian romance novel that was (a) portrayed positively and (b) did not turn into an insta-relationship I still wouldn't have a single fucking dollar. It's like an unwritten rule that all lesbian romance novels mysteriously follow, kind of like when I walked into a lesbian bar for the first time and everyone started line-dancing at the exact same time for no particular reason.

In lesbian romance novels, the one-night stand functions as an opportunity for the lead alpha female (usually Xena in any of her beautiful and varied manifestations) to punish herself for her past crimes (failing to save her partner in Vietnam, that patient who died on the operating table, or when she accidentally shot her sister with a gun - whatever causes her secret pain). It's a way for her to avoid forming any sort of meaningful emotional connection because she can never let anyone get close to her ever again. And inevitably, by the end of the novel, Xena is able to realize that with the love of a good woman, she can forgive herself and move past her angst-riddled past.

Usually this happens during Xena and Gabrielle's first time, when Xena realizes that she's never known love like this before. All of those other sexytime encounters with ladies were totally devoid of meaning and they were probably just using her for her money / good looks / power anyway. (And if it's Xena, it's usually all three). Once you meet the love of your life!11! everything else falls into its proper perspective (which is to say, you realize how pointless and awful every part of your life up until this moment! is).

(If you want a visual of my face right now, it looks like this: FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE. FLAMES).

Here's the thing, though - this trend annoys me in books because it's an attitude that way too many folks in real life express. (I know, imagine that! Books have something to do with real life? This shit is CRAZY, yo). (Also, you know who you are. ::glares::). It drives me absolutely batshit crazy when people are all like, "My previous relationships were totally meaningless, except for the part where they brought us together, cuddlebunny." Or like, "I've never really loved anyone ... (dramatic pause) ... until I loved you." Because what they're really saying when they say this is "You are the love of my life. Everything else before you was a dirty, fiendish LIE!"

I call bullshit. Because, for realz, there are lots of different relationships you can have. Sometimes you have relationships with people who would have been perfect for you if you'd met at the right time. Sometimes you have relationships with people who work for you at that time and place, but they aren't your forever home. And sometimes you just have relationships with people who are absofuckinglutely insane. (And that's ok too, because then you have great stories to tell forever).

And sometimes you don't have relationships! You just have one-night stands or date someone casually or make-out with someone in the bathroom at the local lesbian club. AND THAT'S OK, TOO. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't mean you're morally vacant or emotionally stunted or incapable of forming a connection with another human being.

Why does this matter? Because seeing your relationship with your true love / partner in cat-parenting as the be-all and end-all to the exclusion of all other relationships is stupid. It leads people to jump into relationships that are wrong for them (rather than just calling a spade a spade and being like, "hey, we're hooking up! AWESOME!"). Or dismiss past relationships as invalid or pointless (you learn all the time, lesbos. Even when you don't want to). And to see monogamous couplings as the kind of holy grail of the queer experience, which is limiting and maybe not everyone's cup of herbal Woman's Moon Cycle tea.

So, to reiterate: one-night stands are totally ok. Go forth and make love in this club, lesbros.

Late Bloomers: Lesbian Puberty

Some of my sistren have known they're gay from birth, or pretty close to it. They went through their formative years rolling their eyes (or pretending to care) when their straight friends went all boy crazy in elementary/middle school, all the while knowing that greener grass was just over the fence. Now sistren, I too rolled my eyes, but I had no idea that it was because I was a gay lady. I just thought I didn't care about boys; I didn't know I really liked girls. Ah well, we each have our own gay journey towards enlightenment.

I know what you're thinking- but Not Allured, you're SO GAY! Like SUPER gay! Yes sistren it is true, but until my early-mid 20's, I had not come to this self-realization yet, and even (gasp!) dated a few of the not-so-fairer sex. And these weren't horrifying experiences, I just came away from them with a feeling of "meh, I can skip that." (Much like the feeling I had looking at the non-date sweater, but thankfully that sweater had an awesome lady inside, which made up for its appearance).

For those of you who came out later in life, you probably went through lesbian puberty. You know, that time all your friends went through in junior high when they were giggling over boys and making you look at posters of Justin Taylor Thomas/Timberlake/Bieber, whichever the case may be, and obsessed over their crushes while you just tried to understand what all the fuss was about. Well, now that you've figured out that you're batting for the other team, you finally get it, and want to make an even bigger fuss about it. Yay fun times! I was discussing this with a straight friend recently, and she was horrified at Indigo Labrys's and my nonchalant discussion of this phenomenon. "But puberty sucks!" she proclaimed. "That sounds terrible!" We assured her that it was not so, for these reasons:

1. Your body has already changed! Your skin is clearer, your haircut is better, and your mom didn't pick out your outfit (hopefully). No worries here- you've already got it, and can flaunt it at will.
2. You may have already had some dating experience, so you have more of a clue of what you're doing (though hetero dating isn't exactly equivalent, you can use this formative experience to your advantage!)
3. You are older and wiser, and fingers crossed, can make slightly-less-awkward first date small talk (though who are we kidding, first date small talk is awkward by definition)
4. You FINALLY get what the big deal is, after hearing your non-sistren friends gush about cute boys for years. Now you can join in and gush about cute girls, which is way more fun.
5. You hopefully don't live at your parents' house, so it makes the potential for apres-date romance much higher, and classier! No making out in cars for you, newly out lesbian.
6. You get to experience butterflies in the stomach and all those goofy feelings, which are fun no matter how old you are.
7. You've done your homework and watched the L Word/ bad lesbian movies, and thus have had a distorted though possibly helpful preview of lez-sexy times
8. You know a thing or two about ladies, as you are one yourself. You may not understand them, but you are aware of this and have accepted it.
9. You're probably over 21 so can hop on over to a lady bar and grab a little liquid courage while checking out the hotties on the dance floor.
10. If your other friends are straight/ figured out they were gay before they finished teething, they can help you in your lady-lovin' quest and be a means of moral support. My friends were pretty awesome during this period of my life- thanks pals!

However sistren, don't get too carried away! Beware of these faux-pas:

1. Don't be too eager. The first (or several) ladies you meet may not be compatible with you, so don't try to force yourself on someone just because they're a lady-lovin' lady.
2. Don't jump for the first lady who'll have you, either. You're older and wiser, take your time choosing your new life companion.
3. Don't be a douche. You don't get to act like a teenager just because you're going through lesbian puberty. Don't date multiple people without telling them, don't get drunk and try to make out with your friend's girlfriend, don't wake up in someone else's bed and wonder how the heck you got there. Be cool.
4. Don't be dumb- safe sex is sexy. You don't have the excuse of youth and crappy sex-ed classes to make poor decisions, get yourself edumacated.
5. Don't be an ass. Review Indigo Labrys' tips for surviving a first date, and charm them with your suave self. 
6. Don't try to dress like Shane. Because you'll be spotted as a newbie immediately.
7. Don't try to be "the most lesbianest lesbian that was ever lesbian," and suddenly get all more-lesbian-than-thou, judging your bisexual/queer/straight/trans friends as not as cool as you
8. Don't try to force your other queer-but-don't-know-it friends (or really cute straight girls) out of the closet- each in their own time, sistren.
9. Don't immediately take up: softball, cat herding, poetry writing, drum circle playing, potluck attending, homo depot shopping, spoken word performing, interpretive dancing, etc., unless you actually enjoy these activities.
10. Don't feel like you have to rearrange your whole life just because you came out- you're still you! Unless you were previously a nun or fundamentalist, in which case complete change is probably necessary.

So if you feel like you're a little tardy to the party, don't stress. The lady train is always boarding.

Cats Don't Belong in the Bedroom

Don't get me wrong; I love my cats.

And there are many places cats belong: on your couch, on your bookshelves, in any crinkly bag, on top of your papers, in the last place you look, and in your heart.

But they do not belong in your bedroom.

I'm going to help you get a sense of your boundaries first by providing you with the following questions. Answer honestly, or you won't be able to learn and grow from this experience.

(1) How many times have you begun to look tenderly into your lover's eyes and smooth back the hair from her forehead as you lean in to kiss her ripe, luscious mouth, when all of the sudden, your cats show up for some untimely petting action?

(2) How many times have you felt a pair of eyes on you in the boudoir that did not belong to your woman?

(3) How many times have you been in the throes of ecstasy when, between your murmured endearments and cries of pleasure, you became aware of an approving purr emerging from your ever watchful cats?

(4) How many times have you felt the sharp claws of a she-beast slash kitten rake your bare back as you make sweet sweet love?

(5) Has your lovemaking ever been disturbed by a cat landing on your face?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe or it wasn't my face, you have a problem. And I am here to help you. As the proud guardian of two cats, I too have had to deal with the always sensitive issue of cats in the bedroom. Many lesbians are very attached to their cats, after all, and some people take it badly when you ask them if Fluffykins could maybe sit this one out or if they wouldn't mind moving the litterbox from the bedroom so you don't have to listen to cats shuffling around in there while you make sweet lesbian love.

These people are (obviously) wrong.

Why does this happen? Like many of our other posts, this problem occurs because of a lack of respect for boundaries. There is a time and a place for cats (most of the time, and everywhere but your bedroom, respectively). Respect these boundaries and you won't have to worry about any of getting your back clawed off when you go downtown, or hearing anything during sex except the slick beats of Melissa Ferrick's "Drive" (or when you lover accidentally calls out for Rachel Maddow).

Nothing is more of a turn-off in bed than realizing there's more than two people in this relationship - and some of them are cats.

Wanna go back to my place? Preparing your boudoir for a lady friend.

A few days ago, I was watching a terrible typical lesbian movie with Indigo Labrys, Amy Ray, The Librarian, and other sistren friends, and Indigo Labrys and I had another brainstorm. Early in the "film," the main character brings a lady back to her abode. First, she does an unfortunate "sexy" dance in front of her headlights after she pulls into her driveway (don't do that, sistren) and then brings her into her house and her bedroom. It was atrocious! Clothes all over the bed! Props on the bed! Not good!

When you bring a lady over to your home for the first time, be prepared. Even if you think you're just meeting for coffee, or you're just going out to the lady bar to play darts, it's always my motto to be prepared just in case. (I was a Girl Scout, you know). It doesn't have to be so clean you could eat off the floor, but you don't want it to look like something's been nesting in there either. Next time you think there's a chance that a lady could be joining you for the evening, consider these points:

1. Don't have any barriers on the bed. Don't go all Tegan and Sara and "build a wall of books between [you] in your bed," save that for after you've u-hauled and grown bored. Don't leave books, remnants of your midnight snack, or discarded clothes from when you were deciding what to wear (because I'm assuming you followed my advice and did not go out in your track pants).  Throwing your lady on it in fit of passion stops being sexy when she gets all bruised from the crap you forgot you left there.
2. Don't leave your "marriage aids" out. This doesn't mean you can't use them right away if the mood strikes the two of you, but leaving them on your nightstand makes you look too eager.
3. Don't have a bunch of super-coupley pictures of you and your ex ladyfriend sitting around your bedroom, especially if they are in heart shaped picture frames that say "Lovahs4Life" or something. Now if you're polyamorous, your new partner knows this, and the pics are of your current lady (or ladies) I suppose this is OK, though it still might kill the mood.
4. Make sure you can have private sexy times. If you live with roommates, be sure they're cool. It can be awkward to have a lady over and have to traipse past your housemates first and make small talk. Hopefully you have a separate room (dorm children, I feel for you) and door with a lock! And some music on so you can whisper sweet nothings without your housemates overhearing. 
5. Make sure the sheets are clean. I mean, I hope you'd know that, but you can never be sure.

Keep it classy ladies! Don't bring your future soul-mate or one-night stand to a pigsty. Rats' nests are not sexy, and no one wants to worry about getting a disease or an injury from laying on your bed. You want ladies to flock to you, not suddenly make excuses about having to wake up early/ write a paper/ re-alphabetize their lesbian movie collection as soon as they see where you are going to put on the moves.