Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Ten Mindblowing Positions That Cosmo Left Out!

Ahem.

Happy end of summer, lesbian sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; I have been busy thinking about writing my dissertation (and also occasionally writing my dissertation). However, because I wish to maintain my friendship with Not Allured, and because I received an infusion of gayness this past week in the form of the North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, I feel the spirit of all queer ladies everywhere moving within me. Giggity.

Perhaps you remember seeing this post on lesbian sex positions when it appeared on Cosmo's website about a month ago? If you remember it - and if you don't remember it, please go check it out if/when you need a good laugh - you will recall that it was fucking ridiculous and that these positions were particularly notable for their overuse of high heels (and nothing else!!1!) as well as using different names to refer to ... mmm, basically the same thing. (Position: Rub your clit somewhere. Titles: The Sexy Spider The Passionate Pole-dancer ... I'm not making these up, people!)

Anyway. Not Allured obviously IMMEDIATELY posted this to my wall. We were both disturbed by how femme all of the illustrations were (not all lesbians wear high heels all the time, yo) as well as by how unwieldy and unsatisfying some of the positions seemed. Not to be a buzzkill (and if this is your thing, get down with your bad self), but I don't see how Defying Gravity could be fun when all the blood is rushing to your head (and not to your nether regions). But I am very clumsy, so who knows?

Also also, we laughed hysterically at the claim that scissoring is the classic lesbian position. When everyone knows that processing is the classic lesbian position. Not.

So Not Allured and I came up with our own suggestions.

Here are TEN MIND-BLOWING LESBIAN SEX POSITIONS (tested by ACTUAL LESBIANS or in my case by a queer lady)

1. "Locking the Cats Outside the Bedroom"

In this sexy, underused position, you'll want to grab your cats carefully and gently drop them outside the bedroom door. You and your partner will then want to begin making passionate love as loudly as possible to drown out their cries and the sound of them clawing at your bedroom door. It's not an easy position, but it'll turn your partner into a WILDCAT.







2. "Well-of-No-More-Loneliness"

In this position, you'll want to GET DIRTY while you GET CLEAN. Replace the two rubber ducks with fornicating human bodies (because I can't draw humans or ducks, really) and get it on while you're in the bathtub.










3. "The Hillary Clit-ton"


In this topical position, interrupt your partner's love-making to discuss Hillary Clinton's presidential run in 2016. Talk about what it really means to have a woman on top, and then put it into practice. Your partner will thank you 2016 times over.








4. "Desert Hearts"


For this position, keep your AC off to heat things up in the bedroom. She'll never desert your heart.












5. "The Fast-Pitch"


Quickie sex before an Indigo Girls concert. (You may or may not want to initiate by asking her to "multiply life by the power of two." Remember to check in with your partner and help her get closer to fine.)






6. "Hungry Thighs"

Dance like nobody's watching.
Dance like Baby and Penny in "Dirty Dancing."

Remember that God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em.










7. "Sock It To Me"

While Cosmo's sex tips involve keeping your heels on at all times, this position is for queers with poor circulation.

Also, if you keep your socks on, you will SAVE THE DAY by not scratching your partner with your toenails or something.













8. "Curious Wine"

When you and your partner stare deep into each other's eyes without actually touching, as in "Curious Wine." (Then start touching, but make sure you are keeping your soulbond intact.)

9. "The Chakram"

You'll want to bring in some Xena-style acrobatics for this one. Because the Cosmo tips were so focused on grinding, for this position, you'll want to do backflips. And then start grinding. Because according to Cosmo, this is all lesbians do. (I swear to Amy Ray, at least half of them involved rubbing your clit on something.)

10. "Let It Burn"

Make like Usher and LET IT BURN. This is to say, burn your copy of Cosmo, and then do whatever the fuck you want with your partner!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Dating a PhD Schooler: Survival Tips

Hello sistren! Sorry we have been so neglectful. Because PhD school keeps us both from blogging as much as we should, I thought I would procrastinate from my own PhD work this morning to bring you another blog post. And to keep it kind of on topic with the work I should be doing, we bring you a survival guide for dating a lady in PhD school. If you have your own tips, please leave them in the comments.

Ok, so congratulations, you've met a super smart/insane lady who's in PhD school! PhD school is awesome! But dating a lady who's in PhD school can create some unique challenges for a relationship (just ask The Librarian), and we are here to help! Follow our advice and you may be on your way to domestically merged bliss with your favorite nerd.


Tip 1: Don't take her study snacks
When writing PhD things, special juju is required. Writing pants (this is a real thing- one of my professors told us so), your desk and chair at just the right angle, and writing snacks. If your lady friend has designated something as a writing snack, don't try to eat them/ask her to share. It will end badly. Even one- asking for one is still too many.







Tip 2: If she picks a fight over something stupid, she's probably stressed
Or maybe this is just me? Several times, mostly at night, when my brain was trying to wind down, I would decide to pick a fight over something dumb like laundry. If your lady friend is doing this, ask her (at a time when she won't explode at you) if she's just stressed out from PhD school. The answer is probably yes- and if this pattern can be figured out by your PhD school lady, she can do something to alleviate this stress in more productive/ less annoying ways.



Tip 3: Expect to hear a lot of talk about things/people you don't care about
This one came directly from The Librarian (and I would like to maintain that she SHOULD care about my incessant prattling about my theoretical frameworks/ scholar crushes/ classmates/ professors). But seriously- like most people who have an all-consuming job/career/study something, your lady friend will probably talk about her school stuff ALL the time. All the time. So do your best to nod and ask interested questions, and expect a quiz later (what do you MEAN you don't know who Betty Brainy is? I told you about her yesterday when I was relating in painful detail all the people I met at the conference!!). You've been warned.



Tip 4: Don't get upset if she can't go to the Amy Ray concert with you
Your PhD lady will likely not be able to go to all the fun things you want to share with her because:
1) Grad students are poor. Really, really poor. This will especially come up if you ask her to do something at the end of the month/right before pay day. Or after she's gotten back from a conference and spent all her funds on traveling. Save the really nice things for early in the month when that stipend is fresh in her bank account! Plan to cook dinner instead of going out, and generally do things that are not going to cost a lot of money (and realize her "a lot" may be different from yours).
2) She is busy. Really, really busy. You may wonder how someone who only has a part time job (this is what she means when she refers to her assistantship) can be so busy. They key to remember is a PhD student is never, ever off work. We work all the time, and when we're not, we feel guilty about not working. It's a sickness. And while sometimes we should stop working (see the next tip), a lot of the time this is hard if not impossible. So if she refuses your invitation, but asks to hang out another time or seems genuinely regretful, she may really be saying she can't go- don't think she's not that into you (unless other signs point in this direction). It may also help to find out when is  her best work time (trust me, she'll know), and try not to ask to hang out during those times. I have been known to refuse to do something fun with The Librarian if it's in the morning, which is when I write best.


Tip 5: Get her to take a break now and then.
Now, while she will be working A LOT try to get her to take a break sometimes. But, be sure you ask her if 1) whatever she's working on is due tomorrow/in a few hours, 2) if she is on schedule with whatever she's working on. If the answers are no and yes, put a glass of wine in her hand, dangle her hiking shoes in front of her face, whatever floats your boat. She'll thank you later, and be more productive after a brain rest/ spending time with her special lady. And this may help her remember that it takes two to have a relationship/dating fun time and she should come out from her study cave and hang out with you.



Tip 6: Celebrate her successes and milestones together. 
PhD school is hard! It makes the successes along the way all the more meaningful. So did your lady friend get a publication, pass her comps, her proposal, finish her coursework, get a presentation in the big conference? That's a cause for celebration, in whatever way y'all like best. (The Librarian recommends keeping your bar stocked for cocktails- this works for Tip 5 too). While she will also want to celebrate these with her Phd School friends*, she'll want to celebrate them with you too, especially if you've followed the other tips and been an awesomely supportive lady friend during these times of trial. Besides, who doesn't love multiple celebrations? She may even thank you in her dissertation acknowledgement section, and hasn't everyone dreamed of that?

*Note: Sometimes she may want to celebrate just with her PhD school buddies, and this is OK. Remember, if you have read our other posts, you should still have other friends who you also hang out with without her. And while separation is hard, it can make the heart grow fonder!
From The Librarian: "Don't let them think I am a clingbot!" [She isn't sistren! She is really great at not being clingy and never caring when I go hang out with friends solo]. "This is a really intense experience, and she is going to bond with her classmates."

And there you have it folks, good luck navigating the PhD school journey from the Sig-O perspective. You may wish to find others in this situation so you can bond/ share war stories/ emote about how sick you are of hearing about school. Other friends are great!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Reminiscing....


We have been busy PhD-studenting lately and haven't updated in awhile, but we hope this amazingness will tide you over. You're welcome.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Powers of Seduction: Film Edition

Sistren, we have often discussed the lovely ways of seducing your potential lady friend gleaned from our extensive research into lesbian romance novels. In lesbian romance novels, a surefire way to seal the deal with a potential love interest includes things as varied as: attending wine tastings, dancing sexy-like at a club, and stealing children together. (If we steal this child, it's like we're already a family, girl.)

But a few days ago Indigo Labrys (hello!) and I were watching an amazing Lifetime movie called "Sex and Mrs. X" and thought, hey, there are some great lessons in here our sistren should learn about! (Confession - I LOVE Lifetime movies. Indigo Labrys knows this and got me a compilation DVD for Sistren Solstice, like a true Bosom Friend. IL: But not in a gay way like Anne and Diana, who are totally gay for each other.)

Because it's almost February 14, we want to help our sistren find the perfect way to show your lady that you love her. If you have more ideas for us, let us know! We (or I at least, to The Librarian's chagrin) will probably try it out!
  1. Touch her nose with your hand. This worked for the alien ladies in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same; it was the way they showed affection. I tried it on The Librarian in the car the next day (she had not seen the movie), and she was taken aback, batted my arm away, and claimed I was cutting off her flow of oxygen. I think that she was just overcome with emotion. 
  2. Spit beer into her mouth. Indigo Labrys and some pals watched Robin's Hood and learned this sexy trick. Apparently feeding each other like you are a boozy mommy bird and an equally boozy baby bird will induce amorous feelings. I haven't tried it with The Librarian as she values hygiene. Sadly, you cannot see them doing this in the trailer, but you can see that poor bottle of beer BEFORE it is subjected to this terrifying intimacy. 
  3. Pretend you are her "daddy" and she is your child. In the most horrifying film OF ALL TIME Mango Kiss, the main couple has a stagnant dating life. Mostly because they don't actually both want to be together. Then, they see a father and daughter building a sandcastle on the beach, and suddenly, one of them realizes exactly what she wants out of her romantic relationship ... for another woman to pretend to be her pirate daddy. Please go to about 1:15 to hear the horrifying declaration, "You will always be my daddy," and its response, "I will always be your captain." Just saying, this movie makes (1) BDSM (2) being poly (3) being a lesbian (4) wearing neat hats seem distinctly unfun and also pretty creepy. I am sad that this was at one point apparently voted Best Women's Feature at the NCGLFF.
  4. Make a murder pact. In Breaking the Girls, the crazy-er chick sexily promises to kill someone for her new lady friend. The other was really going to double cross her in the end, but whatever, SO ROMANTIC! If we kill someone together, that means we're really in love, right? NO. IT MEANS YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL TOGETHER.
  5. When tasting wine at a restaurant, dip your fingers into your glass and rub them on your lady's mouth. Hot right? That's what we learned from Sex and Mrs. X. According to the madam/etiquette teacher, it will drive your man wild! She's French, so she would know, and we assume it will work for ladies too. After we watched this scene, Indigo Labrys dipped her fingers in her water glass and rubbed it on her own mouth. She found this to be drippy and unsatisfying. But if you do it with wine and rub someone else's mouth, I'm sure it will work!
  6. Clip each other's fingernails ... erotically! I personally CANNOT BELIEVE my sistren forgot to list her most favorite filmic seduction of all - Go Fish. Who among us has not wanted to personally trim the nails of a prospective lover? And then keep the nail clippings along with locks of her hair? I surely cannot be alone in this. Anyway, Not Allured hates this, but who knows, your woman might just be into it... after all, the first cut IS the deepest. Giggity.
What sexy tips have you learned from movies? Have they worked?

**This post was inspired in part by Anna Pulley's hilarious commentary on trying Cosmo's craziest sex tips. Go read it if you haven't already!**

Friday, October 11, 2013

Book Review: How Sweet It Is - Melissa Brayden


How Sweet It Is – Melissa Brayden

Confession: I read a lot of lesbian romance novels. My college thesis advisor introduced me to Radclyffe’s books (I think Love’s Tender Warriors) but it wasn’t until my dissertation picked up that I started reading lesbian romance novels all the goddamn time. And of the metric ton of lesbian romances I’ve read, Melissa Brayden’s How Sweet It Is was easily one of my favorites to read. (This is saying something, because while I love lesbian romance novels, I am often critical of them – please stop with the insta-marriage, baby-stealing, and sex scenes that involve touching each other’s souls!)

I’d read Brayden’s first novel, Waiting in the Wings (about a Broadway hopeful! Lesbian Love, The Musical!) when it came out, and thought it was solid at the time (the first half of the novel is especially good – Brayden takes a risk that doesn’t quite work for me in the second half of the book, but you should read it anyway). So I was looking forward to seeing how Brayden had changed as a writer, and spoiler alert – she was good two years ago, but she is much, much better now. The dialogue in How Sweet It Is is genuinely funny and sweet, the characters are well-written and mostly consistent, and, best of all, Brayden is far, far away from uber-Xena territory. (You know where this is, even if you haven’t been there yourself; you can recognize uber-Xena from a distance because her glacial-blue eyes are burning into your soul … blue like the bluest flame, setting your heart and pants on fire. Ahem.)

So Brayden is an even better writer than she used to be, and she starts How Sweet It Is with a real problem: can town sweetheart and baking whiz Molly O’Brien fall in love with her dead wife’s younger sister (and all-around badass) Jordan? (Obviously, the answer is “yes;” the real problem is whether Brayden can make their relationship work for the reader.) It’s a question for romance novels in general – no character emerges from a vacuum, so how do you deal with your characters’ past relationships and specifically, the ways that your protagonists use their past relationships to make sense of their new ones. If you’re a sloppy writer, it usually goes something like this: my past girlfriends were the worst and I’d never known true happiness until that night we kissed in the moonlight and our souls and bodies touched for the very first time. It’s an easy fix, although an unsatisfying one.

Brayden can’t do this, though, because the first relationship in question is with Jordan’s older sister Cassie, who tragically dies in a plane crash four years before the book begins; throwing Cassie under the bus doesn’t make sense because both Molly (town sweetheart) and Jordan (badass who’s been MIA for years) are still very much mourning her loss. So Brayden, in a way, has to sell two romances: in order to sympathize with Molly’s grief over Cassie’s death, we have to know what she’s lost; we also have to root for Molly and Jordan without minimizing the impact of Cassie’s death on both their lives (and without being creeped out by their relationship). It’s a delicate balance to strike, but Brayden makes it work, I think.

This in part due to how well Brayden writes Molly and Jordan. (It’s also helped by the following: the fact that Jordan has been MIA since Cassie’s funeral, that Jordan is as different from Cassie as two sisters can be, and that Jordan and Molly have a pre-existing friendship outside their shared love for Cassie. If Brayden weren’t a good writer, though, these alone would not be enough to make the relationship work for me.) Molly is hugely sympathetic – she’s processing her wife’s death (I cried salty tears, for real), she’s trying to keep her failing bakeshop open (curse you, Starbucks!), she’s dealing with her father’s poor health, and she’s also dealing with the possibility that she might lose the support of her in-laws if they find out she’s in love with their other daughter, too.

Jordan is also engaging and dynamic, but she’s more of an enigma than Molly is – she seems to struggle less with the weirdness of dating Molly, and was way, way more accommodating of Molly’s hesitation than the situation demanded. This is to say, she always seems to get why Molly’s backing off, even when Molly doesn’t, and maybe it’s that she’s had more practice in loving Molly while Molly’s affection for Jordan is still very much in process, but. Her motivations were also at times less clear to me. For example, she does the horrible romance novel thing where she ends the relationship to be noble and shit: “She could do for Molly what Molly couldn’t do for herself. Because Molly was too noble, too loyal to look out for her own needs. But Jordan could do that for her.” And: argh, Jordan! You need to trust that the person you’re in a relationship with is an adult. Who can make her own decisions. Leave a relationship if you’re unhappy, but don’t frame it as protecting the other person. /endrant. And because Jordan is – up until this point – super communicative about what she needs and wants, this seemed weird to me.

I also wanted more information about Jordan’s relationship with her parents. Partly this was because their transformation from “we are super creeped out” to “we are now willing to help Molly get her girl!” was way too fast for me. I was like, hmm, when last we met, parents, you were berating Jordan for always being jealous of Cassie and trying to get everything Cassie had. Now you just want those two crazy kids to be happy. I know parents just don’t understand, but come on. That was a pretty dramatic shift – and I also wanted a peek into Jordan’s headspace given the fact that her parents are really effing awful to her.

(There is this really sad moment when – after Molly and Jordan have been caught macking it by Jordan’s parents – Jordan understands Molly’s distress at losing the affection of the in-laws who think she’s perfect and wonderful and can do no wrong. And it’s sad because it’s also clear that these same parents never felt this way about Jordan. I wanted to hug her. But, also, another real reason to learn more about Jordan’s feelings here is because this could potentially be a source of conflict in her future relationship with Molly, it seems to me, and it gets kinda swept under the table.)

Anyway. The wonderful parts of this book are Molly and Jordan’s interactions, though. They’re fun together. For example, after they first kiss and there are feels, Molly finds Jordan and says, “How are you this morning, Jordan? I trust you’re well,” and we are treated to the following: “I trust you’re well? Were they now characters in a Jane Austen novel and she’s failed to be notified? Since when did they speak so formally to each other? Oh, this didn’t bode well. ‘I’m fine. Just a little worried about the fact that you’re talking to me like we’re at high tea.’” So good.

And as readers, we get to watch the sort of casual affection Molly and Jordan have for each other develop into a playful and loving relationship. It’s really wonderful. There are scenes in the book that made me feel like I was actually watching a relationship develop. For example, there is this great moment when, in a post-coital conversation, Molly asks Jordan what she’d do if stranded on a desert island, and Jordan says, “Perfect the great American cartwheel. No question. You?” And then when Molly says, “Your cartwheel, while festive, won’t keep you alive,” Jordan goes into this delightful little nonsensical rant about how she’s going to be the mayor of cartwheels and get the key to Cartwheel City and how Molly can visit some day if she wants. And this a great moment because it’s the sort of silliness that real relationships have tons of but is tragically underrepresented in romance novels.

This, I think, was the real draw of How Sweet It Is for me – what I like about the book is that while it is a sweet love story, it also acknowledges and skillfully navigates the difficult emotional realities of its protagonists. While Jordan initially wants Molly to see her for herself (i.e., without thinking about Cassie), I think both Molly and Jordan learn to be comfortable with the fact that they can build a relationship in light of their shared loss, rather than in despite of it. 

So, sistren, this book doesn't come out until November 18, but you should read it when it does. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Homestead- a review

Homestead, by Radclyffe, one of myfave authors, follows her typical romance novel format. And if it ain't broke, why fix it, right? Her usual pattern is a somewhat mysterious, super butch woman with dark hair, an awesome job/great wealth, and family issues meets another lady (not necessarily femme, but not as butch as the other one). After some conflict and angst, followed by processing, they have some amazing sexy times and live happily ever after. They declare no love is like their love, no one makes them feel as complete/soul bonded/ like a natural woman so much as the new love of their life. In this particular novel, Clay-- the super butch lady-- works for an oil company (NorthAm) and her love interest Tess is an organic dairy farmer, which is different from her typical surgeon/vet/romance novelist protagonists.

The plot flows along at a nice pace, and her sex scenes are pretty good with a lot of cheesiness, but no gross, cringe-worthy descriptions of lady parts. My favorite ridiculous quote is this: "The subtle rise of Clay's knuckles and the valleys between her tendons reminded Tess of the rolling countryside around her, enduring and endlessly beautiful." Oh man, can it get sillier than that? I think not. Try saying this to your lady friend and tell us how it goes!

But... there were some issues with this novel that made it less enjoyable than usual. And I'm now worrying about Radclyffe's political inclinations. For this reason, I'm giving it 3 ({})'s out of 5. (Hey, I do still love a Radclyffe romance- she was my first!)

Stop here if you don't like spoilers...the come back after you read to see if you agree with me. 

So issue #1: the main characters had a summer romance when they were 18 that was cut short by parental intervention. It is now FIFTEEN years later, and they have been apparently holding a slow-burning torch for each other all that time. For fif.teen.years. Um, sorry Radclyffe, but women in their mid-thirties who've never had a real relationship because they can't get over their teen summer love have serious issues. This is not cute or romantic, it's just sad. It'd be one thing if they had a thing in their youth, led separate healthy, happy, and fulfilled personal lives and THEN came back together, but this was not the case.

Issue 2: Is Radclyffe an environment-hating Republican? Cause it really seems that way, and it makes me sad when my sistren consort with the enemy. My reason for this question is Clay finds herself in Tess' community because her company (really her father's company) wants to start fracking on her land. Of course, Tess and neighbors are upset by this. Clay encourages them to hire an independent consultant to do tests assessing the risks. They seem to be down with this plan, but then no hiring of an independent consultant every occurs! Some super shallow plot devices happen to both bring Tess and Class together, and make Tess OK with fracking. 1) Clay tells her they'll be careful. Yep, that's pretty much it. Would that convince any of our readers? 2) A domineering male neighbor pretends to be against it, but is really holding out for more money. Once he signs a deal, the fracking can just occur on his land, and Tess's is free of wells! Hoo-rah! That will totally work to make her land toxin-free! 3) Another annoying male (see the pattern here?) who has a thing for Tess sabotages Clay's work site, bringing the two together. 4) Clay and Tess realize their evil dads are to blame for separating them as teens, and Clay's dad is the one pushing this drill site, not her, so she just gets to play the messenger. WTH, Radclyffe? It's clear you really think fracking is fine and dandy. Did you sign a deal with the real-life version of NorthAm?

This whole fracking thing is just so problematic. Tess, as described in the beginning of the novel, would not have given in like this without getting her own assessments of the situation. Instead, Clay just reassures her that she's a good person, Tess wants her hot body, forgets her concerns for her farm, and they decide to live happily ever after. This also doesn't make sense for Clay, as before she seemed chained to her dad's will (even though she's in her 30s- these ladies' maturity level is seriously lacking), but all of a sudden decides it will be fine to insta-marry Tess, the girl of her teenage dreams. Ick.

And that brings me to issue #3: Daddy issues. This is not  new trope for Radclyffe, but it's never bothered me as much. In another novel, whose title I am forgetting, a hot surgeon is slave to her Dad's will, as she's in residency and he's like the biggest hot-shot surgeon of them all. This kind of makes sense as med students are kinda slaves to the system until they're done with their residency (I think I'm using the right term- but you get what I mean.) But in this one, Clay never manages a successful relationship, and doesn't even try, all because her dad split up she and Tess as teens cause Tess' dad was being an ass about it. Um, I'm sorry, but since she's in her mid-thirties now this is just not going to fly. The dad character is also flatter than usual, because they only interact briefly on the phone, so he's kinda like The Claw in Inspector Gadget or something. And of course there are step-Daddy issues for Tess, but he's conveniently dead. And also a jerk. What we learn is that all dudes are terrible, controlling, manipulative assholes, so then you are left with no choice but to just accept what your less manipulative hot girlfriend says and live happily ever after.

Our advice for these ladies, or real-life ladies who want to follow their examples:

  1. Don't pine for your teen love forever. I mean, there is no need to follow the child marriage proposing girl's lead from NC pride. So, so wrong.
  2. If you and your lady disagree on moral and ethical issues, these should be sorted out BEFORE you decide to shack up. Enjoy each other's company as you will, but make sure you can compromise (the real kind of compromise- not like the current Republicans who shut down the government and claim it's cause the Dems won't play nice) on the important stuff before you try to make this soul bond last forever. 
  3. Buck up and quit taking orders from Daddy. You're not a royal or a Huntsberger- choose your own destiny. Just not the one that makes you sound desperate/insane/emotionally stunted.