An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.

I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).

(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)

Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.

(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.

You know how when you bought that house near Conor Kennedy (and decided to hang on to it even after you broke up) everyone freaked out on you and said you were stalking him and stuff? For lesbians, this is called U-Hauling, and it is not only totally acceptable but commonplace. No one would have been surprised at all if you were dating a lady instead of Conor and did this. You could have followed her, followed her home and people would have been supportive and brought you cookies and candles and cats and other nice housewarming presents.

While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.

(3) Last Kiss

Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.

(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina

No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.

(5) It’s All About the Process

Guess who loves to process? Lesbians. Guess who else loves to process? You. And it’s not like you don’t know it! Sistren Brambles (hereafter known as “Brambles”) did some “research” on you / was just reading about your life because she cares, and she found this gem: Of your typical relationship, you say, “It usually lasts four and a half months, and then it all just disintegrates. Then I spend, like, a year and a half mourning the loss of it.” AND NEVER LETTING GO. You and every lesbian ever, Taylor. If you dated a woman, not only would you get to touch boobs and such, you could work out your feelings BEFORE committing them to song. Imagine the possibilities.

(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT

The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”

Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.

Lessons from a gay paradise/hell

Hello sistren! Have you been worried about us in our absence? Indigo Labrys and I have been busy doing things like dissertating (in her case) and grad school coursework (in my case) and have sadly  neglected our readership of two! We missed you! PhD school sadly gets in the way of our preferred leisure activities, AKA reading lesbian novels, brunching with lesbians, processing, etc. But we have vowed to come back! Well, I have- and I will drag Indigo Labrys out of her dissertating cave of solitude to regal you all with her with and charm. And if dragging doesn't work, I'll bribe her with what she loves best- kittens.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a delightful experience Indigo Labrys and I shared- volunteering for the gay and lesbian film festival in our state! It was magical! Where else could we watch really bad lesbian films, people watch our favorite people (the gays! yay!), and play our new favorite game, gay bingo. We devised this during our shift at the information desk, as we needed something to do when we weren't giving directions to the bathroom or checking out all the hot ladies walking by. Indigo Labrys beat me every time by the way- she's a sneaky one. Feel free to use our bingo categories for your next gay outing!

But it was OK  because my entrance was more popular. That's right, more people wanted to walk through my door to enter the movie. I think they were drawn to my natural charm. But I digress.

Sistren, we learned so many things. Gays bring the drama all the time. Volunteering at gay events is a good way to meet ladies. That's right, we totally witnessed a hook-up in process, it was magical. We wish them well. We got to see all the older lesbian couples too- they were so awesome! I hope The Librarian and I are like them! Although then I'd have to convince her to go see a bad lesbian movie with me, which is a hard bargain, let me tell you. Maybe I'll just trick her by saying I feel a sudden urge to go to Homo Depot...

Some of the best things we learned were not from our fellow patrons, but the high quality movies we saw! Yes, our sistren who have made cinema their calling have so much to share! The worst by far was "A Perfect Ending." So, so bad. Like beyond my wildest imaginations of bad. Talking slowly was supposed to indicate sexiness, bad bad camera tricks were meant to substitute for depth, and at the ending Indigo Labrys and our other sistren friend laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. Picture this: an artist painted a butterfly, with the head of her dead lover coming out of it, in 1990's Lisa Frank style. Yep, not even joking. It was heinous.

In case you missed the gay film festivals this year, here is a summary of some gems of wisdom we gleaned from our fieldwork:

For Movie Makers (we've watched a lot of bad lesbian films, so therefore are qualified to give advice)

• Morgan Fairchild is hilarious. (Don't see "A Perfect Ending." You'll be sad.)
• Models should really stick to their day job. (see above)
• When making a movie, make sure your cinematography reflects actual plot/thematic points. There is no need to show every trick you know how to do- like focusing on something really tight, showing two images of someone in the same scene (she was of TWO MINDS and couldn't make a decisions- so subtle!!), etc. 
• Editing is your friend. "A Perfect Ending" would have been great as a short, with more Morgan Fairchild and maybe a few seconds of everyone else. Or better yet, just Morgan Fairchild.
• Lesbians love character development! Please use some. ("Hey." "Hey." <making out> "I love you!" does not character development make)

For Our Sistren:

• Diners are depressing. Especially the rotating cheesecake displays (See "Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same. A lesbian movie that's funny and campy on purpose? Who knew!)
• Go to these movies with other sistren, so you can bond/share in the pain together
• Olympia Dukakis plays an amazing old butch (Cloudburst- I enjoyed this much more than Indigo Labrys. Just don't watch the last 10 minutes and you'll be good to go)
• Even though you think your bar for lesbian movies is really, really low, someone will surpass it. Prepare for extra processing time at the bar with your sistren when this happens, as you will have a lot of feelings to discuss.
• Apparently, in Sweden people fall in love instantly, especially while watching deer graze at twilight, despite not knowing each other at all, and being in long-term monogamous relationships. Keep this in mind if you go traveling.

We hope you have the lovely opportunity to go to a gay film festival too, sistren! Despite the horror of many of the films we saw, we'd do it again in a heartbeat, and mourned the loss of the festival as we began our fall semesters of grad studenthood. 

Happy fall friends! We promise not to stay away so long next time!

Typical-ish Occurences

Click on the pictures for easier viewing!

Step Back, Pussy Cat

Sistren, I love a metaphor, and when metaphors combine with cats, you've got a win-win situation!

**Side note: I do NOT love metaphors that are mind-numbingly heavy handed, such as in the movie I recently watched with Indigo Labrys. I don't want to call anyone out, so let's just say the title starts with "A" and ends with "Perfect Ending." But I digress.

Anyhoo, inspired by Indigo Labrys' astounding previous post, I realized that there are more comparisons to be made between felines and the fairer sex.

Take, for example, The Librarian's cat, Cat-Megan, compared to another lady after your woman.

Her pretty face has fooled many a guest into thinking they could touch her, only to be viciously swatted or hissed at when they attempted to do so. Just like when a lady is trying to pry her way into your lady's pants. She may seem all sweetness and light, but don't let that exterior fool you!

Cat-Megan will feign affection for me sometimes, usually when The Librarian is out of town or she's hungry.  Any hussy after your lady friend will do the same. Pretend to be your friend, laugh at your jokes, etc., all so that you let your guard down. Your lady friend is hanging out with her new coworker without you? You're happy she's got a new gal pal who's so awesome! Just beware if she's trying to butter you up with sweetness/ rubs against your legs a lot while purring.

Once you are out of the way, these pussy cats are quick to jump in bed and take your place. The second I'm up in the morning, Cat-Megan curls up with The Librarian. She either starts shooting daggers at me, or looks at me smugly while my lady friend pets and coos about how pretty she is. When I come back from a trip, Cat-Megan gives me a look as if to say "Oh, you're back? I thought she finally got rid of you." Fat chance, kitty! To assert your dominance over such a kitty, you could do as they do and rub your face over everything, or snuggle up to your lady every time the cat jumps in her lap. The same will work with aggressive lady lovers- just rub your face all over your girlfriend's body/ belongings in her presence and she'll get the hint. 

Now, while you and everyone else know the cat/ the new lady pal is pure evil, your life companion remains oblivious and insists they are a sweet precious angel/ their BFF for life who is just misunderstood by the rest of the planet. And annoyingly, just as your girlfriend's cat physically gets in between you when you're cuddling, and causes an emotional ripple in your blissful we're-so-merged-we agree-on-everything state, this new queer lady pal always seems to manage to sit in between the two of you at the lesbian bar/ gay lady potluck/ softball tourney. She's trying to sink her claws into your lady's heart, just as Cat-Megan sinks her claws into your ankle when she attacks you on the stairs. 

While the situation may seem desperate, fear not, sistren. We are here to help after all, not just whine about our problems! 

Like Indigo Labrys has suggested, food is an excellent way to distract a cat, and also a lady intruder. While cooking tasty treats for a hussy may backfire as she may then never leave your home, throw some tasty ladies across her path instead! When you're all out at a lady bar, keep giving her a friendly nudge on the dance floor. Hopefully, she'll get distracted and forget about your lady friend. It's just like when Cat-Megan lovingly clamps her jaws around her favorite toy- a hussy won't want to let all those pretty ladies get away without taking a bite.

While constant vigilance can be necessary to keep the hussies and pussy cats away, I have confidence that our dear readers will be able to stop interlopers from infringing on your blissful love nest.

Lesbians, please stop embarrassing us!

Internet sistren, y'all are all kinds of crazy! And now I have clear evidence!

In case one of the two of you readers don't know this, the Librarian and I met online, on OK Cupid (or OKC for us frequent users). Yesterday I logged on to try to figure out how I could prevent lesbian-seeking dudes from trolling my profile. While I didn't manage that task, I found something else that made the effort to log on totally worth it: OK Cupid success stories! If you have an account, scroll to the bottom of the page to find the link, and prepare to be entertained!

But as well as being entertained, I was highly embarrassed by my sistren who submitted their stories. For the most part, it was filled with the insanity that is usually reserved for episodes of Lip Service (has anyone watched that? I made it through the first season and hated them all, so bad!) or a lesbian romance novel (check back soon for Indigo Labrys' post inspired by one of our recent reads!)

Because I can't begin to replicate the insanity that I saw on OKC, I'm just gonna go ahead and quote directly. Commentary is unnecessary, but I'm also gonna go ahead and comment, 'cause I have a lot of feelings. Mostly of rage and disappointment.

Many of the relationships included in the success stories started as long distance, some of them quite a long long distance, and resulting in u-hauling after a few days or months of dating. INSANE! Have fun with that when you realize you don't really know this person or anything about their living habits. Once the honeymoon phase is over, I suspect bitterness and resentment sets in.

Clearly, the OKC ladies need Indigo Labrys' and my advice! We are here to tell you what not to do when starting a relationship, and when creating your own relationship narrative. Do you want people to raise their eyebrows and avoid eye contact when you tell them your "how we met" story? I didn't think so.

Bad Example 1: Texts are not romantic

"Leaving that night, I knew that I loved her. 4 days later (15 days) after we met, Crazy Pants* told me that she loved me through a sequence of 3 text messages. Romantic? Yes because we did not know when we would be together again but we were both overwhelmed and overflowing."

* Name has been changed to reflect my feelings

Call me old fashioned, but saying I love you for the first time over a "sequence of 3 text messages" is not romantic, it's childish. Are we to assume the texts read "I" "Love" and "You?" Please. At least say it over the phone! Part of the cheesy awesomeness of your lady love saying those three words is hearing her voice actually SAY them.

Also- she said I love you 15 days after they met!!!! What in the world? Granted, I'm against revealing too much too soon (read previous post on Inappropriate Girl), but in what world is 15 days appropriate for love declarations? Ridiculous. Also, later in the story they say that they dated for 4 months, "tragedy struck" and they were apart for 2, but now they're totally on track and so in love and everything is super awesome now. Sure it is, kids, sure it is.

Bad Example 2: Don't put all your eggs in one basket

"I am so grateful for OkCupid! It gave me the love of my life, my wife, my baby's mother, my soul mate, my lover and friend, my everything and all. I met that one in a million that you only dream of sharing your life with." 

Wow, this lady has a lot of feelings. Please refer to our past posts that have mentioned other friends. These people are important to have in your life- putting all of your emotional needs into only one person can only lead to disaster!

Bad Example 3: Young lesbos, keep it classy

"‎The fact we're both still really young doesn't seem to have phased us, I don't think, plus the sex is completely brilliant and she causes me to have mind blowing orgasms every night. Oh yes, no lesbian bed death in this relationship." 

Ladies, when you're older and wiser and not 19 anymore, you may be embarrassed that you talked about your sex life so publicly. Remember our mantra, secret feelings should be secret. Also, drawing attention to your youth and how you totally know your honey is your soul mate even if you've only known each other a short time will only give people permission to mock you after your romance goes south.

Bad Example 4: Know your destination before you plan the road trip

‎"We would move in together in March of 09, me still thinking (in Feb 09) we were to be roommates when I finally just blurted out, "E, what are we exactly?"

I have so many feelings about this one! Now, as many lesbians know, it can at times be hard to tell if it's just coffee or if it's a date, so much so that that phrase is a joke and the title of a lesbian dating book. But knowing whether you're girlfriends, or just friends, or friends with benefits that could lead to more commitment, or friends who occasionally flirt or hook up when single should definitely be a requirement before deciding to move in together. You'd think this would be obvious to everyone, but apparently at least 2  lesbians are struggling with this basic concept. With their great communication skills, I predict only sunshine and roses in their future!

Bad Example 5 and 6: If you're going to submit a story, at least learn how to write a proper sentence/ something that doesn't sound like Twilight fanfic.

‎"We met on February 6th 2009 we were supposed to meet the Friday before Valentine's Day but my friend Totally-Unnecessary-to-the-Story* was going to Austin for the weekend and asked if I would like to tag along."

As I used to teach my students, only include things that support your thesis. Do we need to know about TUthS and her trip to Austin? Did something happen there relevant to your new relationship? I didn't think so.

 "Without realization, I appeared at her front step with my stomach in my throat. A 5'3" beautiful girl approached my sight and my palms started loosening the grip it had clenched to the phone I had tightly squeezed in my hand. Trying to distract myself from staring, I dropped eye contact and started to become very silent. The anticipation I had built up towards her was tumbling in my stomach, making my hands become very shaky, too shaky for me to hide. I finally built up the confidence to grab her and pull her soft lips into mine."

So many things are bad in this paragraph, but I'll just point out one. Now baby gay, I can see that you're trying to make this sound all cool and romantic. But "pull her soft lips into mine" is just not a sexy image. Are you tugging them with your hand? Are your lips gigantic suctions cups? Are they magnets? Are you those sad people on that Virgin Diaries show who look like they're eating each others' faces? Try again.

If you MUST share your love story with the interwebs, please consider these guidelines:

• Wait until your relationship actually counts as long term. Just a hint, 4 months is not long term. Especially if you live in totally different places/ have only seen each other a few times/ only say I love you over text messages.
• Don't talk about your sexy times. No one wants to hear that. Do you want your mother/boss/thesis advisor accidentally finding it? I hope not.
• Please, please refrain from using the terms "soul mate" or "love of my life." I beg you! Just don't.
• Don't use this posting as an attempt to justify your relationship. If it's real, you don't need validation via a public posting or "OMG I love her SO MUCH!!!!! My babykins is the most perfect woman ever in the world for me!!!!" It just makes it obvious that you're trying too hard.
• And please don't be a stereotype. I mean, clearly most of the lesbians who submitted stories are not mature adults, but baby lesbos, consult one of your elders before declaring your 2-month story of love to the universe.
• Do share the cute story about how you met/ got engayged, etc., but leave out all the fluff/ attempts at being artsy. No one cares about that stuff, they just wanna hear about you. As one who is guilty of being a sucker for these types of things, I speak from experience.

The Librarian and I are considering submitting a success story for the sole purpose of counteracting some of the insanity. Here's what I'm thinking so far:

"Despite her bad choice in wearing a non-date sweater to our first meeting, we went on a second date and I realized OMG SHE IS TOTALLY MY SOUL MATE FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!"

Just kidding.

An Update from Baby Gay

I am happy to report this text convo between my favorite baby gay and I:

me: So did your girlfriend still get your name tattooed? I hope not :-) 

Baby Gay: No. She decided she wanted to "wait" .. :\ 6:43 PM

Me: haha- thank goodness! let me know if she wants to move in so we can talk exit strategy :-) 6:43 PM

Baby Gay: Lol. Okay

THANK THE GODDESS!!!

Party Planning: Celebrating your U-Hauled status

Sistren, there comes a time in many a queer lady's life when you will move in with your lady friend. This may come after 1 month, 6 months, or even 1 long, long year after meeting your soulmate. The Librarian and I will officially be in a one-household relationship at the end of the month. So naturally, we want to celebrate this exciting time with our friends. I would like to celebrate it by getting rid of all non-date sweaters, and this new hideous addition to the abode (pictured below), but sadly I don't think either of these things are going to happen, so we're having a party instead.

Zebra print with neon pink faux-alligator trim. So wrong.

.

While discussing our party plans with Indigo Labrys last night (after viewing the amazingly educational film, Step Up: Revolution), The Librarian had the brilliantly cheesy idea to choose our party menu based on food we've had at past events we've hosted together. This idea made my eyes light up in that special way that only happens with the potential for embarrassingly cheesy things. The Librarian is rarely cheesy, so her innocent idea was even more awesome! I think she regretted the suggestion, however, when I quickly added that we could make little signs for all the food! Such as "Thai Cashews: First served at our very first co-hosted dinner party back in 2010!" What could be better than documentation via tasty treats? Since I also document everything with my trusty camera, I could accompany all signage with photos of said event! It would be so amazing!

Indigo Labrys also had the idea to serve everything in pairs. So charming! Just want one cucumber sandwich? No way! This party is about unity, and that means 2 of everything for everyone, appetites be damned! Or, just make everything out of pears, for a clever play on words. Fun times!

As I had not previously considered any cheesy decor options, I feel I need to really pull it together before next weekend. These are the options I have thought of so far:

• Playing that "Two of Hearts" song from the 80s on repeat, and other sweet ditties
• Use my window crayons (an amazing score from our Christmas party white elephant exchange) to draw connecting hearts with our names in them!
• A cake with a U-Haul on it! (this was The Librarians idea- it will be amazing if we actually do it)
• Librarian and school teacher action figures as a centerpiece! Or maybe just books- we have a lot of those. We could use our many lesbian romance novels, to keep with the theme!!!
• Have a craft station where guests can make their own love letters. cards, or festive headbands and pins for their special someone, or future special someone! (Though nothing will top the cheese explosion of the video birthday card I made for The Librarian, thanks to the technical hand-holding support from our pal, the Computer Whiz)

I'm sure there are many more amazing decorating options out there. What do you think, Sistren?