For Valentine's Day: A Mushy Post about The Librarian

Hi all, it is almost Valentine's Day! And as on the actual day I'll be going to work --> baby doctor appointment --> Valentine's dinner, I thought I'd take some time to post about how awesome The Librarian is as a partner, especially during the wild ride of pregnancy.

Speaking of which- I'm in third trimester! We're not sure how this happened but it feels wild. We're getting the baby's room together, have made a to-do list, and next month a friend is hosting a baby shower. The fetus is moving around all the time still, which still surprises and fascinates me. Thankfully I haven't seen a clear foot outline as that seems freaky, but I do see my body move when she gets enthusiastic in there. But anyway, on to the point of this post!

Ways The Librarian is the Best:

1. Tries to feed me even when all food was my enemy. As I noted in my first pregnancy photo, eating while pregnant is hard. When I first started to feel awful during first trimester, she bought $150 of vegetarian protein things in desperation to find something that would work. Just tonight, I was feeling puny and realized I hadn't eaten enough protein so she made me eat something and I felt so much better. She's the primary cook in our house, and dutifully made me bland things, and avoided cooking her meaty things as much so the smell wouldn't send me over the edge. 
2. Taking over the chores. Sistren, I like being an independent lady who can do things for myself. But when growing a fetus this is just not always possible. Winter has been terrible and never ending this year, and The Librarian has had to do all the shoveling and salting. When we could only find 1 pair of yaktrax she insisted I wear them to navigate the skating rink that our driveway became (did y'all know gravel driveways are the worst in ice? We didn't!). I also can't carry many things as there's not much space in front of me these days. Many chores I would normally do now fall to her, and she does them all without complaining.
3. Reminds me to take breaks. Similarly, I am not good at not working. During grad school years, The Librarian was great about making me take breaks. The same is true now. I'm growing a human, which is always work! The world won't end if I wait a little longer to grade papers or work on my research. 
4. Does all the baby gear research. This is where the librarianing skills really kick in! Since I first got knocked up, The Librarian started a spreadsheet (of course) with all the stuff we needed, and researched the best brands. So when it was time to make the registry she already knew what we needed and set it all up. I tend to look at the research, get overwhelmed, and close the web browser so this division of labor works great for me! My skills were best spent finding a photographer for a newborn photo shoot (because duh, cute photos are my favorite) and registering for cute clothes with rainbows, cats, and unicorns. Someone has to be the practical one, and in this case it is definitely not me. 
5. Is a true partner. I think this is partly our lesbian advantage here. In our centering class (which is the program we're doing for prenatal care, look it up, totally recommend it!) there is a little activity book, which asks things like who is going to do X job or who is in charge of making X decision. We were appalled that apparently in some relationships these things (like changing diapers, making the childcare decisions) are one sided. Is this a super hetero thing? Do people choose to live their lives this way? This is not how we roll, and we've enjoyed talking about lots of imagined parenting scenarios, how we want to talk to Fennell about certain issues, what we're excited to do with Fennell, etc. I can't imagine being in a situation where my partner wasn't just as excited and invested as me. We made this decision together, went to the appointments to make Fennell together, and that's how it will go. I mean, we know that we'll have disagreements, and that the first few months are going to be a terrible sleep-deprived time, and have vowed that even if we hate each other we'll get through it. Wish us luck!

To all my pregnant sistren out there, I hope you have a partner who's as awesome as mine. I am so glad I'm not doing this alone, and wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

Straight Nonsense: Exhibit A

Straight Nonsense: Exhibit B

Ways our child might rebel

Hello Sistren! The fetus is still cooking in my uterus, and is making herself known a LOT these days. I imagine she's possibly perfecting her dance moves, practicing punching Nazis, or just asserting her Strong Leadership Skills by reminding me who's really in charge around here. As The Librarian and I have been talking a lot about future parenting, one thing we've postulated about is how our child might rebel or otherwise assert that she is different from her totally dorky moms. Here's a short list of how that might happen, in no particular order. Hoping our offspring doesn't find this list and use it for #inspo as she enters her teen years. Not all of these are bad; some are things we'd have to phone a friend in if the kid wants support in her interests of which we have no clue.

Speaking of which, I am SO excited to embarrass a teenager! I will be so good at it! Making a mental list of things that will cause her to roll her eyes- feel free to offer your own suggestions! But that's a list for another day.

Ways our Child Might Rebel/ Distinguish herself from her Totally Uncool Moms

1. Become a rabid Republican. This would seriously be the worst. We of course plan on taking her to marches (and she has march-ready onesies that say "Abolish ICE" and "The Future is Female") and talking to her about the dangers of claiming to be "socially liberal but fiscally conservative" (thank u, next) so this would be a great way for her to stab her moms in our lefty hearts. If she starts talking about states rights (note, her becoming a Libertarian would be just as bad), keeping people out of our borders in case they take our jobs, or that the woman's place is in the home, we will start researching de-programmers in our area.
2. Turn into a Hey Ladies!!! type. The Librarian recently discovered the hilarious Hey Ladies!!! series from The Toast (we miss you!) and got the e-book and it is so funny. But also sad as apparently some people are really like this. But what if our child thinks this is normal and acceptable behavior to aspire too? How do we prevent this? Do we go reverse psychology? Do we try to find a hippy school to send her to (but not too hippy-ish in case she becomes a CaitlinYourLife type)? Please advise.
3. Be a jock. Because the fetus is so active all the time we're afraid she might be a jock. And that's fine, but just way out of the realm of our nerdy experience. Because we are from (or at least met) in the great state of North Carolina, we can teach her how to shit talk at basketball games like nobody's business. But play sports ball? Way outside of our skill set. However, if she does play sports ball, I am ready to start the plan for embarrassing our teen by making great mom signs and yelling at her games! That could be awesome.
4. Hate reading. Since reading is important to both of our professions, we already have a bookshelf or two started for the kid! And an Amazon wish list! Buying books for her is super fun. But what if she decides reading is terrible? Or stays illiterate on purpose as form of rebellion? And then this leads to our number one fear! (See number 1). Let's hope not.
5. Really, really love gender roles. Our baby stuff is very non-pink, non-ruffly, and there are no giant hairbows the size of an adult's head in her future. What is up with those? Maybe our child will decide later that she's really mad we deprived her of this heteronormative opportunity and start wearing all pink lace or something. And want to wear makeup (we will really have to phone a friend in here, I haven't worn makeup since my first semester of college). She can do/wear whatever she wants, we're just hoping she doesn't decide to use clothing as a way to flaunt values of (see #1 above) what some folks think a girl should be. 
6. Have terrible taste in dudes like Rory Gilmore. This one came from The Librarian as I had on some Gilmore Girls and Rory (season 4) was about to go on a date with Trevor. What if our kid is straight, and has terrible taste in boys like Rory does the entire series? I mean first round Dean was fine for a high school boyfriend and all, but other than that, yuck. Especially as Paris was the CLEAR choice. But anyway, what if she insists on dating dudes who are douche-bro, whiny, asshats? What are two moms to do?

Anyway Sistren, this is our list! What are your parenting fears?

We're having a baby!

Greetings sistren! It's been... a long time so I have no idea if this blog will be read but I thought it was time for an update. Things have been busy for The Librarian and I since we last spoke! In 2016, I graduated with my PhD, got a TT job (woot!), then The Librarian found a job in the same town, and after a lot of stress and decision making we were able to move to the Midwest. Now we live in a small college town where I am still bewildered by things like having to go to work when it snows (seriously- WTH?) and Midwestern food norms where "seasoning" means either "salt," "sugar," "ranch," or simply "deep friend." I thought the South liked sweets and fried food but now I know the real fans of those are in Middle America. 

In other news- The Librarian and I are having a baby in May. I'm pregnant! For those who don't know me/somehow stumble on this blog, this is not something I ever thought I would say. I've never had romantic feelings about pregnancy or been one of those women who dreamed of having babies. I always thought I'd adopt, so it took a lot of thinking about it and conversations to make this decision. But I'm happy with our decision and looking forward to parenting! I will post later about the things I and the librarian are looking forward to doing in the future with Fennel (our in-utero nickname) but for now, I'll share the pros and cons of being pregnant. Starting with the pros, as that's the shortest list. Pregnancy is terrible and I don't know how the human race has survived since this is the way we reproduce. But at least when things are gross I haven't suffered any disillusionment as I was expecting it! Hooray?

20 weeks! Yes, we have a rainbow fence!

Pros of Pregnancy

1. Maternity pants. Sistren, as someone who's always had a belly, maternity pants are the greatest invention of all time. I may never give them up. 
2. No litter box! As a pregnancy precaution, I don't have to change the litter box! Woot! We have 2 cats, one with kidney issues who pees all the time, so this is a great perk! 
3. Pregnancy brain excuses. "Sorry I didn't do the thing, pregnancy" is a great, and valid excuse! Works every time!
4. Thicker hair. My hair is on the thin side normally, and now with my hair thicker due to the hormones I finally have the lesbian hair I've always wanted! It stays spiked up now! It's so mid-2000s and I am living for it!
5. Second trimester delusion. Now that I'm in my second trimester, I've been feeling pretty good. I can eat! I have energy and can do things like my job! Writing! Hiking! And we got to see the baby on the ultrasound this week, which was SO FUN! They were moving their arms and legs around all over the place, so now when I feel them tickling me inside my body (which is the most bizarre sensation) I have a visual of what the heck is going on in there. This is making me think oh maybe I COULD do this again though first trimester I swore this was one and done. This is how your brain tricks you! Damn you, evolution!

Cons of Pregnancy

Pregnancy is so hard, y'all. If there was an incubator like in the Matrix where I could put the baby until it was ready to be it's own person, I would! Here are some of the worst things for me about being pregnant. If anyone needs to vent about how much growing a tiny human sucks, I am here for you! I am even keeping a tally of some of the shitty things so when Fennel is a teenager and being ornery I can whip it out to show them. Then they can yell "I never asked to be born!" It'll be great!

1. Everything about first trimester. First trimester is TERRIBLE. The Librarian and I have watched a lot of the great TV show "I didn't know I was Pregnant" and those much be the luckiest pregnant people alive because seriously how did they not know? It's also hard because you feel miserable, but are probably trying to keep the news semi-secret as you want to make sure everything's going OK. So then you feel like shit but don't want to tell people why you're cranky and being anti-social. I'll detail more below, but first trimester is so bad it needs it's own entry.
2. Fatigue. First trimester is exhausting! Many days it was all I could do to get through teaching my classes, and then I would crash. Falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 pm was pretty common. Luckily I don't have a 9-5 job or I don't know how I would've coped. Women in that situation, I salute you!
3. Trying to eat taking over your life, combined with terrible nausea and vomiting. I LOVE food. Eating has never been something that was hard for me- overeating yes, but not the simple intake of food. First trimester I lost nearly 10 pounds from not being able to eat (which is normal- who knew?). There were many days of laying on the couch, trying desperately to eat something by taking teeny, tiny bites and sometimes still not being able to hold anything down. One morning I was able to eat a few cheese cubes The Librarian got from Aldi, and it probably took 5 minutes to nibble one cube. Then she just picked one up and put it in her mouth like it was nothing and I was furious! I couldn't eat any flavors- The Librarian nicely made me a carrot soup (for a few weeks blended veggie soups were one of the only things I could eat) but forgot about the flavor thing before she put in the tiniest bit of rosemary. Came right back up. And when food doesn't stay down, or just waking up in the morning makes you puke (yeah, that's a thing), it was the most violent puking I'd ever experienced. All the progesterone just wreaks havoc on your body and wretching would sometimes give me a sore throat. I had less food cravings and more aversions, and then certain foods would be palatable for a few days before tasting terrible again. Some of the things I could eat over those first few months were carrots, apples, bread, and cheetos. So strange. All those pregnancy advice columns about eating greens mocked me. It was even more annoying as I'm a vegetarian, and I couldn't eat anything green. Fennel was definitely feeling like the parasite they are, little punk. 
4. Digestion is a struggle. Along with eating issues, digestion is so hard while pregnant. Once you can eat food, and it stays down, digesting it is hard. I can feel my food travel all through my digestive tract, which is gross. There's a lot of burping, hiccuping, and the worst gas you've ever experienced. Now that Fennel takes up more space, my stomach is pushed up and I have to eat smaller portions. If I overdo it, I can feel my food still in my chest, because it is!! How is this allowed? I am kind of jealous of those women who gain a lot of weight when pregnant because I don't know how they can eat enough food to do so. Though who knows, maybe I'll be able to do that in a few months, pregnancy is wild.
5. Facial hair. Y'all, the vitamins and all the hormones mean I could have a goatee if I want, or maybe an early-2000s soul patch. Not my personal style choice, so this side effect is just annoying.
6. Sore boobs and hips. Your body starts to do all kind of weirdness to prepare for the baby, and it's painful. Sleeping bras are a thing. These days, I'm spending about 30 minutes in the morning with a heating pad on my hip. I do have a u-shaped pregnancy pillow a friend lent me which is amazing and helps a lot, but things are still achy. 
7. Acne. I don't know what this "glowing" thing is some people claim, I just have acne. Hooray. With the extra facial hair it's such a joy!

So anyway- that's our news and some of my lists! I hope to keep posting about the pregnancy if I have time. I'm thinking a post on what we're excited about, all the books we've already got for the baby, and a shout out to The Librarian who is seriously the best partner I could ever ask for through all of this. Also, Indigo Labrys is obviously going to be the Earth Mother. We even had a photo shoot when I saw her in November. By photo shoot, I mean we took selfies, but it counts.

"Always" is not the height of romance, y'all

Sistren, I'm taking a break from our typical topics to rant about something non-queer-lady-related (for the most part). I've finished my dissertation, so my brain has more time for random rants and you're all about to benefit from it! In this case, I'm talking people's weird, blind obsession with Snape's so-called love for Lily Evans Potter. If you don't know what I'm talking about, 1) stop reading this blog right now, and 2) go read some Harry Potter. Cause if you haven't read them by now (I'm looking at you, bro-in-law of mine), you seriously are lacking as a human being. How are you even functioning right now?

This obsession came up again on the social media after the sad passing of Alan Rickman, the actor who played Severus Snape (again, if you don't already know this, what is wrong with you?). My facebook page was inundated with the grossest of Snape quotes: 

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

If you can't remember what this is from, let me briefly explain. Snape has just done the Expecto Patronum spell, and his patronus is a doe. Lily's patronus was also a doe- this shows that Snape was deeply affected by her death, as magic folk's patronuses (patroni?) can change after a big emotional event. 

So, there are many fan art images, a video that supposedly makes people weep for the strength of this love, and etsy items that glorify and romanticize this quote as if it indicates some pure, deep love that we all should strive for. It does not. 

Instead, it indicates a life-long obsession. And, say it with me, OBSESSION IS NOT HEALTHY. Let me explain my strong feelings in list form, as I try to be more succinct: 

1. Just because Snape liked Lily, and James Potter (who she married, hence producing Harry Potter) was a jerk and a bully as a teenager, does not mean it's justified for Snape to hold a life-long, crippling hatred towards James and a romanticization of Lily.  She never dated Snape, she clearly didn't want to date him. So Snape thinking that James somehow stole her away from him takes away her agency, and allows him to ignore the fact that she was just not that into him. Move on, buddy.
2. Snape transferred this teenage hatred of James into hatred of Harry Potter. He's incredibly cruel to him throughout the book series, even when we know he's working on the side of "good" with Dumbledore. (Come on, we all knew that he was trying to teach Harry to cast spells in his mind so that he wouldn't have to block his spells in a fight, but Harry wasn't capable of this). Snape needed some wizard therapy, but mental health was apparently not a thing they cared about in this universe. I mean, Harry, Hermione and Ron could've also used some therapy after all their dealings with He Who Shall Not be Named, but Dumbledore was all "You're fine, see you next term. 10 points for Gryffindor."
3. I feel that people would not be so into Snape's obsession for Lily if their genders were reversed. Snape is basically a rotting wedding cake away from being Miss Havisham, and no one ever thinks her love is cute. It makes me think of things like boys pulling girls pigtails and people ooing instead of talking with the boys about consent. 

There are weird quirks of the wizarding world and the series that allowed this obsession to continue. 

1. Dating in the Harry Potter universe is very antiquated. (Rainbow Rowell parodied this with a small mention in Carry On, which you should read if you haven't. It makes me understand why people write Harry/Draco slashfic). Everyone seems to find their future spouse at Hogwarts and if you don't, you are bound to a life of singledom. The one exception I can think of is Tonks and Remus Lupin- way to break the mold, guys! So perhaps since Snape did not meet anyone whose feelings for him were mutual at Hogwarts, he was destined to be a sad, bitter man easily swept up by an evil dictator.
2. Dumbledore takes advantage of Snape's obsession in a very twisted way. One of the most interesting things about Dumbledore is that while he's Harry's hero he's not the best person, especially when it comes to Snape. He knows Snape will be tortured by looking after Harry, and he forces him to do it anyway. Bit of a shit move, Dumbledore. Maybe because he wasn't allowed to be with his love, he wanted Snape to suffer with him. That's a stretch, but how Dumbledore treats Snape is sick and twisted. 
3. Snape is weird and socially awkward, especially compared to James Potter. In the flashbacks we see him being bullied at Hogwarts (where are the teachers??) when he is not alone. Lily seems to be his only friend, and he wanted her to be everything for him. It's not healthy to have all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. She symbolized love, inclusion, friendship, and popularity- all things that were unattainable for him. When he was angry as a teenager he called Lily a "mudblood" (slur for muggle-born witches and wizards) and this was the end of their friendship. Lily already didn't approve of his involvement with the newly-formed Death Eaters. 
4. Perhaps most importantly, Snape felt extreme guilt over Lily's death. Snape overheard part of the prophecy (THE prophecy. Don't pretend you don't know) and relayed it to his boss The Dark Lord, which resulted in the murder of Lily and James Potter. Was he sad about James? Nah. Just Lily. Did his love for Lily make him love her son? Nope, just be angry at him when he resembled his dead father. 

So again, let me state that I don't think loving someone your whole life is necessarily romantic, especially when they never loved you and you had no hope of reciprocation. Snape should've let it go and got on with his life, but instead he lived a bitter and sad existence. Perhaps one of Rowling's triumphs with this character is to show the flipside of one of Harry Potter's largest recurring themes: that love is powerful. In this case, "love" was not triumphant. Yes it motivated Snape's actions, but this didn't do him any favors. Did it protect Harry? Kind of, but Harry had other forms of love (his own and those of his friends) that protected him. Maybe what everyone misses is that Rowling showed how love can be twisted and turn dark. I hope that she did not swoon when she wrote the "always" passage.

TL;DR- Snape is not cute y'all, stop with the "always" already!

Gettin' Hitched: The big day!

Sistren, I know everyone says this, but our wedding was perfect. We were in a beautiful place that we had basically to ourselves, were with people we love, had weather that cooperated and did not blow away our fascinators, and it was gorgeous and wonderful. After a near six-year relationship marriage doesn't change our day-to-day lives that much, but it made us really happy to get married and affirm our commitment to each other and our relationship. So without further ado, I wanted to share with our two readers some moments from the day.

First, did I mention how gorgeous the setting was? We went to a short mountain trail that's beautiful but doesn't require a long hike to get there, as the Old Marrieds had the OoOM (Offspring of Old Marrieds) in tow. It's a very popular spot, and we managed to get the timing just right. Sunrise was happening as we drove up, so by the time we got to the parking area all the sunrise seekers were hiking down and driving away. We managed to have the ceremony in the window between sunrise viewers and morning hikers. Only a few people walked by during the ceremony, and they all saw what was happening and kept walking by quietly. Thanks random strangers, we appreciate you!

Here we are (me in turquoise, The Librarian in yellow) looking out before the ceremony. Our fascinators didn't blow away despite the wind- I'll be sure to add that to my Etsy review! Something to think about for any other mountain-top wedding preparations. And yes we are both wearing grey Columbia fleeces...don't judge.

Not Pastor Skip did a great job with our ceremony. He started by mentioning the space and the hike as part of the ceremony- in the picture above we have arrived at the boardwalk which led to our rocky outcrop of choice. Notice Indigo Labrys's amazing best-homo cat rainbow backpack! But anyway- the ceremony was short and sweet and included a mention of the non-date sweater and other funny pieces of our relationship.

The ceremony also included the "words of affirmation" from each of the Old Marrieds and our Best Homo. It was really special to hear them in this place, and they were lovely and thoughtful. I think they all put more time into their words than we did with our vows- thank y'all! We loved it. The picture above shows us in our post-ceremony bliss! Notice those amazing wedding T-shirts! I am stoked to be able to wear mine again and tell people I got married in it, just to see their reactions!

After the ceremony we put our fleeces back on and had a wedding toast. It was a little chilly on the mountain! Though I wore shorts so that my rainbow laces and wedding hiking socks would show. I decided not to wear long johns with the shorts, cause then I really would have looked like my father, which is not a wedding look I wanted to go for. Anyway, The Librarian's flask had Caol Ila whiskey and mine had Krupnikas and the wedding entourage had their choice between the two. For this moment we used flasks from a local distillery (that makes the Krupnikas- so good y'all) and used a wedding present REI gift card to get some camping shot glasses. So worth it. The shots helped warm us up and were a great way to celebrate! OoOM had apple juice, though he was really eyeing the whiskey.

Next we hiked up to a higher vista and it got sunnier and even more beautiful as we went. Check out that stunning fall scenery!

We paused many times for photos- like this soft-focus one of The Librarian's ring against this pretty red bark. 

I thought my wedding day was appropriate for jazz hands and posing on rocky parts of the trail. 

After we hiked back down, it was necessary to get a picture of the wedding party in our matching hiking socks. These were the ones that were the closest to our wedding colors and came in sizes big enough for Old Married 1, and we love them!

The wedding festivities ended with an amazing lunch at a brewery near our mountain trail. The perfect end to a perfect day, and we were done by 2! We parted ways from our wedding entourage and drove through the mountains to our honeymoon location. We even stopped for a short hike to a waterfall on the way. 

 Again, we loved our wedding day! If any of you are gettin' hitched, I hope you love yours as much as we loved ours.

Gettin' Hitched: Planning Vows that Don't Make you Gag

Hello sistren. As our wedding day approaches, we've had to plan things like the ceremony and our vows. Or as we've been been calling it, "wedding words." This was the most tedious part for us as every time we looked at example ceremonies online we wanted to barf. Now friends, while I am often cheesy, I don't like sappy and The Librarian can't stand either one. Phrases like "I will treasure you" were not going to work for us. But, with the help of our trusty officiant Not Pastor Skip, we are ready and have planned a ceremony we like! Here's how we did it in case any of you are planning your nuptials and also have an easily-triggered gag reflex:

1. Decide if you want to talk or answer questions. Not Pastor Skip, when we met over drinks to discuss the ceremony, said that he never recommends people memorize their vows unless you're a trained performer. Instead, we could either repeat lines after him, or he could pose questions and we could answer with an "I will." As I'm a crier and want to talk as little as possible, we picked the latter. The less words I have to say, the better!
2. Research. This one is obvious, but we looked at a lot of vows online. Most of them we hated, but we were able to find a few that we didn't find nauseating. The Librarian likes some of the UU Church's ceremonies, and they're pretty lesbo-tastic as they're all about communication. We found another that talks about honoring each other as individuals, which I liked. We made a google doc and put lines that we liked in it to share with Not Pastor Skip.
3. Length. Of the ceremony- get your minds out of the gutter. Because we are getting married on a public hiking trail, and the thought of other hikers pausing to stare is intimidating, we're keeping it short and sweet! 10 minutes tops and we'll be legally wed!
4. Make a list of words that make you gag. Because we are haters of the sap, we made a list of words we don't want in our ceremony. For us this included tender, cherish, treasure, soulmate, and take care of (we are all capable adults here!). Weirdly, I found out in this process that The Librarian hates the word "couple" because it makes her think "coupling" which is dirty. Turns out during this wedding process you just keep learning things about each other! 
5. Make a list of words you like. Since we hated so many words, we decided we better figure out words we do like, or we'd just end up with "Do you? Do you? You're married!" Our list includes: trust, respect, love, attention, adventure, play, and care for. "Care for," to us, is more equitable and less infantilizing than "take care of." As I'm a former English teacher and The Librarian is, you know, a librarian, words are important to us. 
6. Have an officiant who's willing to do the work for you. While we care about our vows, we remain a little skeptical of the whole idea and aren't confident in our abilities to write decent ones. Enter Not Pastor Skip again! When we met with him to plan the ceremony, we entrusted him to take what we'd gathered together and write it for us and he actually agreed! 
7. Put your wedding party to work too. Since there will be four other adults at our wedding, including Not Pastor Skip, we are going to have space for them to say nice things, words of affirmation if you will. This has the potential to go cheesy, but we think it will be nice and just sentimental enough to be awesome. Plus it will give us a chance to grab a tissue- or me at least. 
8. Decide on your ending. We are going to have Not Pastor Skip say "with the power invested in my by the state of XX" just to give a good ol' screw you to our current governor and other members of the legislature who have been less than supportive of LGBTQ rights. It'll give us a chuckle, and we did meet in this state so it's a nice touch. We're not religious, so there will be no God or "J-dude" mentions. Though, Not Pastor Skip has been practicing his back flip for a grand entrance. 
9. Decide what you'll call each other. At least in the ceremony. We pretty much hate all the options: wife is the worst, and life partner is gross, so that leaves us with spouse and partner. But at the end of the ceremony, Not Pastor Skip is going to pronounce us married, and leave out the "wife and wife" part, which works great for us. You may not have our weird hang ups about the word wife, so go on and use what you like! My friend suggested "With this ring I make you my lady," which I think is awesome, but sadly The Librarian is not having it. 
10. Incorporate your pets. What kind of lesbians would we be if we didn't include our animals in the vows? Vowing to take care of our kitties, the dog, and the fish is definitely worthy of inclusion.  

One of the fabulous things about planning a queer wedding is that people have few expectations and you have complete freedom to make it about your relationship. The biggest part of our ceremony will be the gorgeous location. We'll all take a short hike up together, do the ceremony, have a toast from our flasks, and then take another shorter hike farther up to another beautiful vista where we'll take a bunch of pictures and enjoy the space. It's something we love, it's the right amount of symbolism for me, and it's all about us. As it should be! This is one of the few times it really is about you, so live it up!

Gettin' Hitched: A CATchelorette Party

Sistren, The Librarian and I are not raging bachelorette party types. The thought of chasing some jello shots at a strip club, or- let's face it- being out past 11, is not our idea of a good time. Happily, our friends know this, and Indigo Labrys and an Old Married planned us the most amazing CATchelorette party. That's right, a surprise cat-themed bachelorette party. 

The planning of this event was highly involved, so maybe Indigo Labrys can fill you in on it later. They deceived us for months, and got The Librarian's mother in on it too. We were on our way to pick up Indigo Labrys, who asked us to come upstairs (so she could find her cat- a very natural and theme-party appropriate excuse!) and then we were completely surprised by our queer lady friends all waiting in matching cat shirts and cat ears. There were a few straights there too, cause we're diverse like that. We really love our straight friends, they're just like everyone else. It's important to be open minded, sistren, even if you worry their straight marriages will tarnish the sanctity of your queer marriage. 

Anyway, we wanted to share a few ideas if you want to have your own CATchelorette party or similar, for yourself or someone else! Follow these tips and the party is sure to be a meow-ing, purrfect success!

1. Be good at lying. When your friends tell you that their mom wants to meet you, and they ask you what night you can go to dinner, make sure you insist on going the same night as the party. That way there's an easy way to get them to your house! Then during that day lie and say you're having car trouble and do they mind coming to get you? Bonus if you get the mom to tell them she's made reservations at this restaurant near your house for a bit after you want the party to start, so the Nearly Marrieds will get there at the appropriate time.

   

   Party planners feeling smug.

2. Don't worry about boring hetero traditions, like separate parties. Separate bachelorette parties are totally unnecessary for queer ladies if they're not what you want. Obviously, since you are queer ladies you are merged, and so cannot bear to be apart from your betrothed. You're getting married so you can be legally merged, and this starts now. 
3. Create a queer-lady theme. CATchelorette was pretty genius, so feel free to steal it. Or maybe you and your lady (or your friends if you're the planner) are more into softball, so a CATCHelorette would be more appropriate. Or you could not worry about appropriateness, and host a saucier SNATCHelorette. Either way, it should be something fun for the Nearly Marrieds. 
4. Get crafty. Old Married and Indigo Labrys spent a lot of time making our amazing cat-ear triple-tiara veils. They also customized our party cat shirts to say "Bride" (a word we are not fans of, but who doesn't love anything if it's on a cat shirt?). They even wrote "Bride" in our respective wedding colors, which shows a skillful attention to detail. We were quite impressed.
   
5. Have themed food and decorations. At this party, it included cat stickers on all the food labels, chocolate peanut butter cats (naturally, made from candy molds from our wedding registry), cup-cats, and a very impressive cat-themed bar menu. They gave it that personal touch by naming two of the cocktails after our own beautiful fur children. Cute, in theme, and personalized for the Nearly Marrieds- a party planning feat.
   
   

   

   Tie-dye and cats, because what else?

6. Push the drinks. Who doesn't have fun when your friends are giving you really strong drinks? Though we had a painful hangover the next day that sadly comes from not being in our early 20s, it was worth it. Especially since we had a designated driver in the form of The Librarian's mom. Speaking of which, that brings us to number 7-

   

   The Librarian enjoyed her Gin Meow-er

7. Have a house mom. We were seriously struggling the next morning. If you can arrange for a mom or chosen family to be in attendance at the Nearly Married's house the next morning to make them hangover food, they will greatly appreciate it. 

   

   I needed this.

8. Let the party affirm your wedding decisions. While The Librarian and I were super happy with our party, having so many expectant faces all on us when we entered the room was overwhelming. Luckily this was only a few seconds, but at a traditional wedding it would be for much longer! This solidified our feelings that we have planned the perfect tiny ceremony that is all about us and not about other's expectations. See also number 2. Do what you want, and who cares what people think.

Pin-the-tail on the Cat!

Thanks Indigo Labrys (AKA the Best Homo) and Old Married, we had a purrfect, meowsome time.