Don't Speak Now

Last week, we brought you a horrifying tale about heterosexual marriage. Today we have a differently terrible tale: while that unfortunate, beautiful heterosexual woman is laboring away, only 120 sandwiches away from a proposal, two queer teenagers have beaten her to the punch.

A little backstory: this past weekend was Pride. Not Allured, Amandapanda, and I were watching the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus sing a few Broadway standards, including “Seize the Day” from Newsies and “Seasons of Love” from Rent. As the chorus peppily taught us how to measure, measure a year – in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in cups of coffee?? – we noticed a group of teenagers on our left holding hands and swaying to the music.  Their hippie love-in continued to grow in size; it was unclear if they were trapping random passers-by or if, alternately, they were all gathering there for some dark purpose.

After the Triangle Gay Men’s Chorus finished their rendition of “Seasons of Love,” the MC appeared to tell us that we were about to witness a FIRST for NC Pride. My sistren and I were intrigued. We had already experienced a crushing disappointment when we discovered that Bold Strokes Books and D. Jackson Leigh were mysteriously absent from this year’s Pride festivities, and that consequently, our readerly souls would be neither barebacked nor touched gently by lesbians and telekinetic horses. Maybe this promised event would help us deal with the loss of cheesy lesbian romance novels, and we could start the healing process …

Instead, our hopes were crushed, not unlike the time I saw Real-Life Amy Ray at the Pinhook and she failed to recognize our soulbond. This, however, was far worse. We watched in horror as the hippie love-in moved forward, a writhing mass of rainbows and hormones, and unfolded in a straight line in front of the stage. A perky teenager bounced up on the stage, took the mike, and proceeded to PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO HER GIRLFRIEND.

Amandapanda, Not Allured, and I turned to each other with expressions of unspeakable horror. As the proposal continued – “can’t imagine living without you” – “you’re the love of my life” – we struggled to make sense of the brave new world in which we suddenly found ourselves. What kind of crazy place was this? How long had they been dating? Weren’t they in high school? This was almost just like that time Not Allured’s former student contacted her to inquire about the wisdom of getting her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her body, BUT CRAZIER.

So we have some concerns we’d like to address here. Baby queers: we know that love is a many splendor’d battlefield that lifts you up, YOU ARE ONLY IN HIGH SCHOOL (or like, early college. Maybe). There are still hundreds (or dozens) of people you haven’t had sex with (or held hands with) yet. You are also young and stupid. Your prefrontal cortex has not finished developing, which is why you do things like listen to One Direction and take endless selfies in the bathroom and go skinny-dipping in shark-infested waters. You are still learning how to have feelings and not be terrible human beings; you are still learning how to drive, speak a foreign language, sneak out of your bedroom without getting caught, and drink responsibly. You are still learning about yourself. You cannot possibly know whether you are ready to take on the incredible burden of loving someone else FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

Please listen to your sistren, who are older and wiser and have read many romance novels about high school romances that never fade that nevertheless seem like absolutely terrible relationships for sane people to be in. 

As Taylor Swift says, while Not Allured and I are not the kind of girls who should be rudely barging in on a white-veil occasion, you, my sweet sweet baby gays, are NOT the kind of girls who should be marrying anyone at all - because you're only sixteen, guys. 

300... Cats? Or why sistren-hood is so much better than straight-hood

Sistren, have you seen the news blowing up the interwebs, about a poor straight sistren trying to get her loser boyfriend to put a ring on it via sandwich? If not, check out this article, and prepare to be horrified. Basically, the loser boyfriend made some flippant douchey comment about her being 300 sandwiches away from a marriage proposal, and she took this as a challenge. There are so many things wrong with this, but we trust that our sistren can figure this out for themselves. As probably can most humans beyond the age of, oh, let's say 5, who have some basic understanding that relationships should be built on love and trust and not insane, asshole-ish requests.

One of Not Allured's school pals suggested we blog about it, and unlike a challenge of making 300 sandwiches to which we would never acquiesce, we decided we were up for this one.

A big take away from this article is this: if there were any better reason to embrace your sistren-ness/ abandon the drudgery of heteronormative marriage pressures, we have yet to see one. What could be more ridiculous/insulting/less relevant to a successful long-term relationship than having to make 300 sandwiches, especially when some are deemed only to count as a quarter of a sandwich? Or others are dismissed because they contain things the recipient had neglected to mention were on their forbidden foods list? While it is of course nice to take your special friend's likes and dislikes into consideration, there is a big difference between being considerate and being a doormat. So come one come all, ladies of marriageable age, we embrace you whether or not you a) want to get married, or b) can make us a sandwich.

But wait, you may be saying, what if I WANT to woo my special queer lady friend/boi with something, but they don't like sandwiches? What is a queer lady to do in this time of crisis? Especially one who wants to have an anti-wedding/ queer love celebration before aging out of my sperm donor pregnancy/ co-adoption/ peak pet parenting years?

Well fear not, sistren, as always we are hear to help you! Let us suggest alternate projects to woo your soul mate. Try one of these, and let us know how it goes!

1. 300 cats. It is a scientifically-proven fact that there is little queer ladies love more than cats! Show her you care by adopting 300 kittens! Though you may need to go to multiple shelters to get this many/ buy a bigger country home to house them all, it will be worth it!
   
   
   
   2. 300 flavors of kombucha. It's healthy, it's delicious, you can make it together, and it says crunchy granola love!
   
   
   
   3. 300 flannel shirts. Let's kick it old school and go with a classic lesbian fashion item! Even better, make it 600 so you and your special lady can match!!
   
   
   
   4. 300 pairs of outdoor sandals that can be worn on any occasion! I personally am a fan of Chacos and Keens, but I know some of my sistren love their Birks and Tevas.
   
   
   
   
   5. 300 serenades (preferably with a guitar or banjo, but a boombox "Say Anything" style will do) to the queer lady singer/songwriter of your choice. If you are new to sistren-hood and don't know who that means, may I suggest the classic Indigo Girls. There's also Brandi Carlisle, Tegan and Sara for a more pop-ish sound, or our personal favorite, Chris Pureka. (SWOON! I'd totally say yes to you Chris! What is your favorite sandwich??)
   
   
   
   Do you have suggestions for what 300 things would get your lady to the Domestic Partner alter? Let us know in the comments!

To See or Not To See (Lesbian Movies)

Sistren, for the second year in a row the two of us have volunteered at our local Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. We love this volunteer gig for many reasons, such as:

• we get movie passes to go see queer films!!
• we get to people-watch all the queers!
• to go with the above, we make our own bingo! (which IL has won the past 3 times- cheater) (IL: I am not a cheater. I'm just way better at bingo than you are, i.e. highly observant and lucky. Also, you were thwarted by "mullets" and "merging" - as are we all on occasion, my friend). 
• we get to judge both the people AND the movies!
• we get to process all our feelings every time we watch a movie!
• we get to hang out a bunch!
• as ticket-takers, we get to say fun things like, "My entrance is most popular!" as Not Allured naively claimed last year. This year, however, she has had some ... stiff competition, if you will. 
• we get to educate other volunteers (in addition to the whole world, obviously) on the power of sistrenhood. For example, this year a misguided volunteer asked Not Allured and me how long w'd been dating, presumably since we were volunteering together. We quickly corrected her and, I would like to think, demonstrated that sistrenhood is mighty. Look, other queer ladies! you can have friends you just have fun with! Life isn't like The L Word!
• this may just be me, Indigo Labrys, but I also enjoy having the opportunity to nag other humans and have it legitimized by my official volunteer t-shirt. "No, ma'am, you *cannot* enter this theatre - you have tickets for an entirely different movie." "Excuse me, sir, but Cinema Two is *that* way." "Pardon me, miss, but I think your head may be stuck up your ass (you fucking pretentious hipster)." AHHH. FEELINGS.

Gayness, judging things, processing, hanging out? It's our dream come true!

Because we have seen 8 movies (including 2 compilations of shorts) over the past week, we thought we'd share some very short reviews with you. Cause have you noticed how no one wants to say gay  movies are bad? Haven't we gotten to the point where we don't have to pretend they're all great? We think so, anyway. To rate them, we will be giving them 0, 1, 2, or more ({})'s.

Who's Afraid of Vagina Woolf? (feature length film) 

Smart, funny, makes fun of hipsters, Guinevere Turner impersonating Elizabeth Taylor, vagina costume, features a cat vest, is also a really interesting movie about making queer movies. Also Guin Turner as Elizabeth Taylor is maybe my new favorite thing ever.  It needed to be said again. (Maybe Not Allured will forgive her for Go Fish now?) (Not a chance.) (It's ok; since she was involved with the script for Breaking the Girls, she's back on my shit-list.)

We give this all the ({})'s! Loved it! Go see it right now! Will be buying on DVD! And looking for that vagina costume to wear in the bedroom for Halloween this year.

Reaching for the Moon. (feature length film) 

We'd like to suggest this alternate title: "Reaching for a Plot."

NA: Obviously, this had a huge, huge budget as the costumes and sets were beautiful. It even had good actresses. But someone never matured from the elementary school way of using metaphors. And it seemed like it went on forever. And, all of the characters were completely insufferable. For a movie about a poet, it had a complete lack of verbal artistry. No ({})'s for this one. Do yourself a favor and skip it. Not Allured tried to process it with The Librarian (who did not see the film), who told her to go talk to Indigo Labrys about it and get over it already. (We are still processing our feelings about this film, mainly of rage, anger, and disappointment).

IL: I need to write up separate feelings for this because, as they say in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (a favorite from last year), I have BIG FEELINGS. My biggest gripe is that this was a movie about a poet and yet it fails to really engage Bishop's poetry. Imagine all the interesting things they could have done with her work. Did you do it? Good. Now throw all of them out the window like they're a zebra-patterned ottoman with hot pink trim. Instead we receive lots of shots of her wandering around some trees muttering to herself. And the film is framed by "One Art." Argh. Additionally, as my sistren Not Allured notes, the film seems to be really worried that a movie about Elizabeth Bishop might be just too hard for people to understand. So instead, each plot point is hammered home with heavy-handed symbolism. Did someone just die? ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT. A SYMBOLIC TOY BOAT SINKS BENEATH THE WATER. Why not just put a raven in there and make it croak "Nevermore"? Also, they use my least favorite thing ever: storm outside = storm inside (their hearts). Think of The Notebook. When they are all "I wrote you 365 days!" "I didn't get any of your letters!" "I'm so mad, girl, I just want you to sex you up in this storm." Actually, this movie had a lot in common with The Notebook.

I Am Divine (feature length documentary) 

NA: Touching, funny, raunchy, and a tear-jerker all wrapped in a fabulous package. Two bedazzled ({})  ({})'s up!

IL: Yeah, this was good. I didn't know anything about Divine, although I have seen Hairspray at the encouragement of another sistren.

Chastity Bites  (feature length film)

Not Allured: I (and The Librarian, who actually came to see this one too) thought this was silly and fun and enjoyed it. Elizabeth Bathory teaching an abstinence-only sex ed program so she can pray on young virgins? Loved it! My favorite scene was the principal's death scene. True the main girl could have been gayer for a gay film festival, and her boyfriend looked super gay, but I am willing to overlook these elements for some mindless fun. I give it one ({}).

IL: So I didn't enjoy this at. all. I'm not really sure why, but I think it is probably along these lines: I get that the movie is trying to spoof the pathologization of non-normative sexualities in different texts - how the vampire becomes associated with non-normative bodies and desires (so, both the trope of the lesbian vampire in literature and film, i.e., Carmilla, but also how the historical record about Bathory herself might be colored by the threat she posed to social norms at the time). So the film does an ok job of spoofing this - there's a lot of campiness surrounding both Liz Batho's lesbianism / vampirism (she is an equal-opportunity seductress / murderer of young girls, MILFs, and cat-ladies) and the fact that the heterosexual teenage protagonists are the only ones capable of eradicating that threat. I'm just not sure that the movie goes beyond merely spoofing these things to any sort of sustained criticism? (NA: It didn't, but I didn't care. I watched this with the same mindset I watch shows on ABC Family- expecting no criticism at all, just mindless entertainment). 

Also, I didn't think it was very funny. Because I am a humorless feminist. (NA: True. I think IL's English dissertating is preventing her from enjoying things for their own sake.)

Breaking the Girls  (feature length film)
IL: I don't even know how to begin to describe how batshit insane this film is. We had received mixed reviews prior to seeing its insanity for ourselves; one group of friends thought it was totally deranged, and another group of volunteers strongly recommended it. Needless to say, we chose our friends well, because they were absolutely correct about this film. It was crazysauce, and I don't know that I can say much about it besides the following: this movie is about making bad decisions. Seeing this movie is one of these bad decisions.

On the other hand, Madeline Zima (who was in The Nanny; don't lie, you know you watched it) makes the best bitch-face I have ever seen. Her crazy eyes are amazing. I feel like she knows the film is insane and maybe it doesn't make sense to her either but she commits to the crazy 100%. She is ON BOARD that crazy train.

Rating: It doesn't get any ({}) because that's way too good for this film. Instead, it gets ONE crazy-face :-O.

NA: I only  have to add, "stop trying to make all the plot twists happen. They're never gonna happen."

Ok I actually have more feelings. So like, Nina, had sex with her step dad? Her half-sister's dad? Or something? Messed up. Also, like duh, he wouldn't remember he had a step kid named Janine, and maybe that's the same person as Nina? And a daughter named Sarah? WTF? This movie made NONE OF THE SENSE in its quest to be plot twisty. Also, it was basically like that 1 pool scene from Wild Things that everyone has seen, Swim Fan, and like Single White Female, with more gayness. And insanity. 

Heterosexual Jill (feature length film)
NA: Enjoyable, funny, maybe tried to make some commentary about everyone being obsessed with what 'box' (no pun intended) their sexuality fits in but never quite getting there. But it did make us want to see "Butch Jamie," for which this is a sequel, but you didn't need to see it to like this movie. One non-heterosexual ({})

IL: Yeah, NA already had to listen to me rant a little bit about this yesterday. (I have so many feelings all the time, sistren.) It's mostly pretty funny; I mean, one of the protagonists is a CAT ACTOR. Repeat: she is a cat. actor. So that wins.

In order to understand why I am a little peeved at this movie, here's a basic outline of the plot: Jill really wants to be straight. She's attending a support group focused on reclaiming her heterosexuality. (This is predictably gross and rightfully mocked.) Jill and Jamie used to date. Jill decides that to prove she's a Real Heterosexual (TM) she and Jamie need to date again. They do. Meanwhile, back on the farm, Butch Jamie just accidentally saw her first dick and is having fantasies about making it with dudes. She starts attending a support group based on reclaiming her lesbianism (which Jill later also ends up at, surprise surprise). I am irritated because I feel like the film creates a false equivalency between these support groups; they're both mocked equally and in ways that seem to suggest they are equally hypocritical and intolerant. (I don't think the film wants to do this, but it does IMO.) Likewise, it suggests that Jill's internalized homophobia is just like Butch Jamie's refusal to admit she's having fantasies about the peen. And these are not the same!
(NA: This is really where IL's studies in English literature raise their ugly head and make her soul even sadder than mine on watching bad lesbian films. Since I have but a piddly BA in English literature, my pain is not so great.)

However, there is a song about how lesbians will save the ozone layer and create world peace and stuff.

The Mermaids (longish short? not quite feature length?)
Super cute nerd, super cute jocks, German, costumes, adorkable-ness, social awkwardness. Would definitely watch again! Two aquatic ({}) ({})

Quiet (short)

Bleh, emotionally manipulative, no character development. Counting on a gay audience relating to the tragic circumstances and feeling sad about the possibility of it happening to them. Tell us something we don't know. Negative ({})s. 

Tsuyako (short)

A love story between two Japanese women in 1950s Japan. Beautiful, heartbreaking, good characters, real. Amazingly well done for a student film. Make more, we will watch them all! 2 ({}) ({})'s. 

Natives (short)

Despite the shaky camera work and the fact that we hid underneath our shawls with embarrassment for most of the film, we liked it. Two lesbians, one Native American, go to visit the Native American woman's parents. White girlfriend proceeds to say every wrong, stereotypical, romanticized thing she's read in books (or her Intro to World Religions class). It is very anxiety-inducing to watch, but real, as dumb white girls like this say stupid shit all the time. Way to catch that in a film, NYU students. Get one of those rolly cart things for your camera next time. ({})

Do you have a cat? (short)

Cats, dogs, allergies, bad dates, Amber Benson. Cute and funny, despite the shots of gross male chest hair. ({}) 

Beside Her (longish short)

NA: Only one thing needs to be said about this terrible film- during a 1 minute sex-scene, there were FIVE shots of them holding hands. And yes, I counted.

IL: Let us also not forget how the entire point of the sex scene was basically to FORESHADOW the death of one of the lovers at the end. (Her hands clutch the sheets while they make the sex! Cut to her hands clutching the grass as she lays dying! Look, now her face is sweating while they make love! Cut to a shot of her sweating again ... only this time she's bloody and dying and stuff.) The only good thing about this movie was seeing "Erika Flores" during the credits and thinking that Colleen from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, might be in a lesbian short film. But alas, I was wrong. Negative ({}).

NA: Also, the moral for this film seems to be don't go jogging in dumb ass places, like on remote cliffs.

Click (longish short)
Was supposed to be funny but was so not. Why were some of the ladies in the theater laughing? What were they watching? Also, the characters did not follow some of our #1 advice - don't say you like something just to get a date. At the end, some friends are trying to set up another on an online date with someone who says they like spanking. To try to get their friend motivated, they bring over some light bondage toys and start paddling each other over the kitchen table. No, just no. This is not how these things work- of course you're not going to like it if you do this out of the blue! You gotta work up to that stuff! Come on!

Also, there's this really disturbing part where the protagonist addresses the ass she will be practicing her spanking skillzors on: "Hello, cheeks, my name is Sara, and I'll be paddling you shortly." Or something like that. Very unsexy. Not a good idea for things to do with your gal-pals (or at least not your platonic gal-pals).

Zero ({})

Queen of my Dreams (short)
We loved loved it! Cute ladies, cute idea,  but it was sadly way too short! For that we'll give it ({}) ({ in the hopes that she makes a longer version.

IL: This short was basically my life. Like, everything the narrator said WAS MY LIFE. It was amazing. Also, this short was neither emotionally manipulative or fucking stupid, so it kind of won at life. No clasped hands during sex - AMAZING!

Rejected

Sistren, I should be writing an article tonight, but instead I thought our dear 4 readers needed another post instead! We're just a flurry of posting these days! This is actually a joint posting by Indigo Labrys and I, so like our post on mixed vs. clear signals, you can have fun trying to guess whose embarrassing situation was whose!

Anyway friends, this post is about rejection. Specifically, (and personally!), some of the ways we have been rejected by others in our pursuit of U-haul bliss. If we can move on from these sad moments and keep dating, then so can you! (Indigo Labrys: This is to say - rejections happen, even to stone-cold foxes like Not Allured and me. So do not be discouraged, sistren, but go out and rub your flannel-coated bodies all over other consenting persons of your choosing.)

Without further ado, here are our tales of woe:

• You're out dancing with your buddies and a lady you're interested in. Your friends are encouraging you that she is into you! But when you lean in for a hug at the end of the night, she takes a giant step backwards and gives you a wave. Burn!
• You answer a cute-sounding Craigslist ad and go on 2 dates with a cute lady. You're hoping to hang out again, but she doesn't answer your emails. Then, you see a very similar ad stating how she's looking for someone athletic looking, or something else that clearly excludes you. Guess you're never going to hear from her again.
• You're in "group therapy" and when "group therapy" ends you ask one of the women in the group to be friends because you are awkward and apparently only know how to make friends like a first-grader. She (justifiably) rejects you because you have kind of massively crossed the boundaries of "group therapy." You are a sad weirdo.
• You're out with a classmate and you are intoxicated. You try to sexily rub her calf with your foot. She moves. 
• You're on a date with a woman you thought you'd been casually seeing when she brings her ex-girlfriend and they proceed to process their relationship in front of you. You eat garlic fries, but nothing can fill the emptiness in your heart.
• You're seeing a woman who makes your age an issue by insisting that she feels like a cradle-robber. You find out that her ex-girlfriend is a mere year older than you. 

If we can continue to pursue dates after these experiences, then you can too, sistren.

Academic Analogies for Dating (Academics still suck at dating)

Sistren friends, Indigo Labrys and I are on another "work" date (i.e., gossiping and pretending to do work) and are still concerned about our single academic buddies who are struggling in their search for their one true love. Thus, we felt another post on dating was necessary. All good academics like to have several studies backing up a claim in their literature review, so we're here to help you.

We are not claiming to be super smooth with ladies (we have a lot of bad/awkward dating stories between the two of us), but we feel our bad experiences can help you get a date/ get laid. To our dear friends- you know who you are- please try to follow our advice. We just want the best for you/ are tired of hearing you whine. That may be more me, Indigo Labrys is much nicer than me and would never accuse her friends of whining.

So, we thought we would continue to try to speak in academic language so that the advice is heard by the intended audience. Below, please find some analogies we think will help you on your dating escapades. A warning: this post is long, but as a grad student you are used to reading long articles, so we have faith in your abilities to finish this post.

Have a clear thesis
Friends, just as you need a clear thesis in any paper you write, you need to be clear when stating your intentions. We  have written about this before, so feel free to consult our prior post on giving clear signals. So to restate our thesis, we suggest that when you want to go on a date with someone/ hang out with them because you think in the future maybe you'll be interested in dating once you get to know them better/ you think you may want to invite them to your bedroom, you should be clear with your intentions.

Clear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to go out on a date with you/ I'd like to go on a date with you in my bedroom.
• (The key words in the above are on a date- the person will be flattered! Directness is sexy!)

Unclear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to get together to work on our respective academic projects together. (When you really want this to be a romantic study date that leads to a study of each others' bodies)
• I'd like to hang out, but totally just as friends. (When actually, you want to sleep with them. And not as friends)
• Do you want to get coffee/ get lunch/ have you acknowledged Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? (Unless any of these are your sole intentions in social interactions, don't use them as pickup lines.)

Remember to always be consistent. Do all of your actions support your thesis? Did you just see the lady of your dreams but were too nervous to talk to her and now she thinks you hate her? It's ok- send her a message. Do you need to revise your original thesis? Did you think you just wanted a date, but now want a date in the bedroom? Inform him/her/hir of your change of heart/loins. Are you not that into her after a date? Thank her for coming out, wish her the best, and don't invite her out again. That is polite and clear without being rude. 

Peer Review

Sometimes you want to consult your friends about your new or potential new love interest. This is totally fine, and most friends (especially us- bring to us your dating stories friends!) will love to rehash every thing that happened on your date. They will also be happy to ponder with you about if your interest may be interested in you too. However, like academic peer review, you have to pick and choose which pieces of advice will work for you. You can do it- you're smart and capable! So if one friends says OMG you should ask her to the Chris Pureka concert, and another says no you should take her somewhere more intimate, just follow your instincts. You're the one that knows her best. (Indigo Labrys: If the question is Chris Pureka, the answer is always "Fuck yes.")

Choose your conferences wisely

In academia land, it can be overwhelming to choose which conferences to go to in your field. You have to think about location, who will be there, what people you can schmooze with for potential jobs upon graduation, which has parties with open bar, etc. The same is true for dating. If you're single, choose social situations with people you truly like doing activities you love. For example, don't just show up to a stitch and bitch session because you heard hot ladies were there if you hate knitting or yarn. Go to the things you like, find a crowd of people who you have things in common with and want to hang out with. If you stay with this crowd consistently,  you just may find your future leading lady. And just like at conferences, while the star academic may not give you the time of day, there will be others there who are awesome. And they can introduce you to other people, which at a conference can lead to writing buddies/jobs, and in your love life can lead to potential life mates. 

Blind Submission (No, not that kind of submission- unless that's what you're into.)

When submitting your work for publication or presentation, you often don't know who will be reviewing it. Because of this, you make sure that your points are clear, any jargon specific to your niche sub-field occupied by 3 other scholars is explained, your grammar is correct, and your citations are flawless. This attitude is what you need if one of your pals sets you up on a blind date/ you have an internet date. Be your best self- don't wear a non-date sweater, don't try to impress your date with jargon (it just makes you seem desperate), and don't go too crazy on the alcohol. Be cool, and just like at a conference, don't stress so much over your presentation that you can't enjoy listening/watching others' presentations. Don't let your nerves distract you from the (hopefully) awesome person in front of you.

Don't over think it

You know when your adviser is telling you to turn in a draft of something, and instead of doing it right away you start analyzing every word until you make yourself crazy? Would "cognitive" or "epistemological dissonance" describe your point more accurately? Will your adviser even read this paper at all? 

Dating can be like that too. While we are huge fans of close reading, and advocate using those skills to analyze texts/emails/conversations, you have to know when enough is enough. Is there a special person you find attractive? Do you think they may like you/ not be repulsed if you ask them out? Yes? Go for it! Because while a relationship is never simple, asking someone out should be.

You should also not over think your first date. Go with the expectation that you'll have a fun evening, nothing more. Don't expect to order the u-haul. As one of my wise friends once said when I was having a moment of over thinking after a date, all you should be asking yourself after a first date is do you want to see this person again? If so, great, do it! If not, great, don't do it! 

Theory to Practice

There are times in an academic life when a theoretical framework is necessary. Sometimes you may be expected to state your theoretical framework up front. But other times it's important to be open minded to theories you haven't considered before. Think of dating in the more exploratory realm. Just as you shouldn't disregard someone's work just because they don't use exactly the same scholarship as you, you shouldn't rule out a potential date who doesn't have all the same interests as you. So don't have too many preconceived notions of how your future wifey should be. Expecting them to be kind, loyal, fun to be with, great, all normal expectations. Expecting them to love the same board games as you and to have 3 kittens who will love you immediately, however, is just not going to work.

And for the goddess' sake, you have to actually be willing to put your theory into practice. Meaning, you have to actually DO something. Think of it as embodied practice, if you will. Just like that conference proposal won't write itself and that job won't fall into your lap without talking or writing to someone, so will your lady friend not come to you without putting in at least some minimal effort. As much as you try, you will never be Shane. So go talk to you lady and ask her out.

Your life is more than your dissertation

It is easy for us academics to hole up in our writing caves of choice and only appear on occasion to predict the coming of spring/ buy more highlighters/ bathe on occasion. If you are similarly committed to finding a dating partner, you  may be similarly single-minded. Sadly, this will not help in your quest! (Not that I know from personal experience, or anything.) Ladies can smell desperation, and will run in the opposite direction if the sense it in you. To prevent yourself from getting to that points remember your other friends and interests. Just as you have work out/ happy hour/ craft times scheduled with your school pals to keep each other sane during academic crunch time, it's important to do this while hunting for your lady prey. 

You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Gosh Darn It, People Like You

At some point in your academic career, you have to trust that your work speaks for itself. You don't need constant affirmation from your adviser(s)/ school pals/ random people at parties you force to listen to your elevator speech. You're awesome. Ladies will think you're awesome too. Don't worry about proving yourself- your actions will do it for you.

Friends, we wish you luck in love. If you have any other analogies/ questions/ comments, please feel free to let us know. There are few things I love more than blogging about queer ladies when I should be writing/ working one of my gazillion jobs to pay the bills/ crying over my bank balance. 

Buck Up or Shut Up (Or, Why Academics Suck at Getting Laid)

Greetings, my sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; fear not, my feelings remain as plentiful and prone to over-sharing as ever!

Today, the Librarian’s Lesbian Lover and I got together this morning to work on our respective academic projects; however, we soon realized that my work, at least, needed to be put on hold in order to give some timely advice to our friends.

Two of our fair sistren are experiencing relationship woes and have (wisely or not) asked Not Allured and I for advice. (I’m just being modest. You should definitely ask us for advice. You should ALSO expect us to blog about it.)

Anyway. So here are their respective quandaries in a nutshell (forgive me; patriarchy is everywhere, sistren): how do we ask someone out? Their situations are very different; one, “Xena,” is single and ready to mingle but doesn’t know other available lesbians; the other, “Not Gay Clara,” has her eye on a new man-friend, but is worried about ruining a potential friendship by asking him out.

To both of these women, we say: WOMAN UP, SISTREN, AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS. (And then you can put your mouth everywhere! Eheheh.)

When Not Allured and I communicated this to our sistren, one of them began bemoaning the difficulty of relationships. Which is a perfectly acceptable thing to have feels about. (Come here and let me validate you.) However, we would like to make one thing VERY CLEAR: good relationships of any kind are not simple and easy.

But why not, Indigo Labrys? So many wonderful things are simple and easy! And this is true, my sistren!

Here is a list of things that should be simple and easy:

• A good recipe for chocolate-chip cookies
• Making jokes about your mom
• Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
• Buttering your toast
• Petting your cat(s) (but be prepared for the bite!)
• Wearing cat shirts
• Getting a labrys tattoo
• Tasting the rainbow
• Boiling water
• Recognizing how hot Chris Pureka is (MARRY US CHRIS. We have healthy ideas about what a good relationship looks like, and we suspect you may need some help in this area, because FUCK, "Burning Bridges" is a sad song, yo)
• Making fun of the GOP
• Righteous anger at anti-abortion legislation
• Walking your dog
• Brushing your teeth
• Singing along to “Closer to Fine” in the car with your sistren

And this is just the beginning. However, do you know what will never appear on this list?
RELATIONSHIPS.

It’s sad! I know that I, like many of my sistren, have dreamed of the day when I would lock eyes with another lady while playing pool at the local lesbian bar and then I would check out her boobs and notice that her shirt was covered in cat hair and then I’d raise my eyes to hers again and see them filled with (a) her soul and (b) my soul and (c) tears of joy. And without speaking a single word, we’d walk across the room to each other and join hands – and hearts! And then we’d have an anti-wedding because we think marriage is inherently oppressive and creepy (a topic for another day, sistren) and raise a family of cats together, and spend our spare time making muffins, and bad jokes, and sweet sweet love but also frolicking in fields with woodland creatures and, like, unicorns.

And we would play the Indigo Girls all the time and we would never be sad.

But even though this vision of a relationship is as shining and beautiful as Taylor Swift’s hair, it cannot actually exist in the real world (possibly also like my girl Taylor’s hair).

Because interacting with another human being – whether it is your BFFL, your mother, your lesbian lover, your fuck-buddy, your archnemesis, or your cat – is inherently complicated. You are engaging with an embodied consciousness that is entirely different from your own, and expecting that to be either simple or easy is both cray-cray and kinda boring. You are dealing with another human being and because that human being is not you, you’re going to have some issues. While we are not advocates of relationships that are constantly difficult (I could never forge a soulbond with an Ayn Rand fan, for example), Not Allured and I firmly believe that a good relationship should be challenging.

And it will be challenging from the beginning because this is how it goes, sistren. Sometimes you need to ask that hot slice from the gym out, and that’s going to involve a certain amount of risk and uncertainty and maybe it will be difficult BUT HEY, maybe you’ll also get laid.

RAINBOWS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!

I'm too happy/ crying deliriously to form coherent sentences based on the SCOTUS decisions today. So here's a rainbow flag.