RAINBOWS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!

I'm too happy/ crying deliriously to form coherent sentences based on the SCOTUS decisions today. So here's a rainbow flag.

Technology makes the heart grow fonder

Sistren, it's that time of year again when us grad students travel to far away lands (like a whole 2.5 hours from my house) to take summer jobs to supplement the piddly stipends we get during the school year. So yes, I am sadly separated from The Librarian yet again. Hardship! So I thought it was time for another post on coping with separation from your lady friend, because let's face it, sistren tend to have major separation anxiety.

Just before my journey away from our love nest, I finally entered the 2010s and got my first smart phone. I realize now there are so many more options for keeping in constant contact than ever before!

Without further ado, here are some amazing ways to show your one and only (or two and only, or however you roll) that you truly care even though you are kept apart. Probably some of you have figured these out ages ago, but bear with me, as I am just getting hip to the technology. And if these tips still aren't enough to get you through, try these.

Instagram
There are few things I like more than documenting, and now I can do it with filters! Here's some tips for my sistren:

1. Create a special hashtag just for your relationship. Because why keep your special bond private when you can share it with all your instagram followers? May I suggest: #catmommies, #scissorsistren, #ladylovah1, or #xena&gabriellegotnothingonus
2. Have your lady friend take pictures doing everyday things like eating breakfast, reading lesbian romances, or checking the gay news online and send them to you. Take pictures of yourself doing the same activities, and use instacollage to put them together! It'll be like you're sharing the moments together! (be sure to use your hashtag)
3. Use instaeffects to add symbolic meaning to your photos: stickers that say things like "sweet" over your true love's face, or rainbow sparkles over the top to celebrate pride month across the distance.
4. Post pictures of yourself looking sad and/or longingly at a photograph of her, because nothing says true love like pining.

Facetime

Like Skype or Google hangout, but on your phone! Do you really need to talk to your woman at all times? Have an internet connection? You are all set! You can try these strategies:

1. Facetime during all those moments you usually do together: changing the sheets, bickering over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or making hummus.
2. Why not just leave it on all day? If people ask you why you're looking into your phone so much, pretend that you don't speak the language and are using it as a translating device.
3. You can screencap your conversations together, and them instagram them! Fun!

So sistren, I hope these ideas help you in your time of need. If you have other ways to keep in touch while physically separated (because of course we are never mentally or emotionally separated!), please let us know.

Science!

Lesbian Love Language Quiz!

A special treat before the New Year arrives- the Lesbian Love Language Quiz! Because what better way to ring in the New Year than with some good old fashioned lesbian processing?? I know I can't think of a better way!

So sistren, do you want to find out what your lesbian love language is? Do you want to know how to communicate with your partner/soulmate on a deeper level? This quiz will help you and your lady love improve your u-hauling/ domestic partnership/ civil union/ same-sex marriage in certain states/ fun time relationship.

INSTRUCTIONS:
The quiz consists of 30 pairs of statements. Choose the statement that would make you feel the love tonight the most and record the letter (A, B, C, D, or E). At the end, you'll tally the number of choices for each letter to find your primary love language. While it may be difficult to choose between two statements, it is essential that you choose only one to ensure your results are completely accurate. Take your time, and enjoy!

1.  a) I feel good when my lady love takes me to see the kittens at Petco... A
     b) I love my woman's piercing blue eyes and dark hair, (or at least they look like this if I squint) . . . E

2.  a) I like to have a home cooked meal with my sweetheart. . . . B
     b) I feel loved when my honey goes with me to a women's basketball came . . . D

3.  a) Phone banking with my love makes me happy . . . C
     b) I enjoy lazy mornings drinking mimosas with my boo . . . B

4.  a) I feel loved when my cupcake and I are looking at a beautiful view, atop a mountain we just hiked.      (Note- in this case, it is an actual, physical mountain, not a metaphorical mountain of love) . . . D
     b) I like it when my sweetums rescues me from danger . . . E

5.  a) I feel loved when my favorite recites a poem she wrote for me . . . E
     b) I know my soul twin loves me when she joins me in a women's march . . . C

6.  a) I like going to gatherings of sistren with my bestest, particularly when there's tasty homemade vegan gluten-free cruelty-free cuisine . . . B
    b) I like to face the forces of evil with my muffin . . . E

7.  a) I value my sugar's commitment to social justice . . . C
     b) I love when my gal takes care of my animals . . . A

8.  a) I like to think about how my cookie and I are destined for each other . . . E
     b) My wifey tells me my kittens are adorable, and I like that . . . A

9.  a) Eating scones with my beloved makes me happy . . . B
     b) My precious wears buttons on her shirt to express her beliefs, and I like that . . C

10. a) I feel loved when my ducky plays hide and seek with my cat . . . A
      b) When my buttercup challenges me to a kayaking race, I know she cares . . . D

11. a) No matter the menu, I love sharing a meal with my sweet pea . . . B
      b) Flattering comments towards my pets make me feel good . . . A

12. a) Being active with my special sistren means more to me than the things she says . . . D
      b) I love to go on long walks through the countryside with my sugarcane . . . E

13. a) When my special friend nuzzles me and sits in my lap, it makes me happy . . . A
      b) It means a lot to me that my darling knows which causes matter most to me . . . C

14. a) Just sitting at the breakfast table with my honey bun makes me feel good . . . B
      b) I love it when my jewel lets me sit in front of her on her valiant steed, or shotgun in her sports car . . . E

15. a) My lamb's reactions to my kitty's antics are so encouraging . . . A
      b) It means so much to me when my (future) baby momma cheers for my favorite sports team, even if it rivals hers . . . D

16. a) I never get tired of lying in my true love's arms . . . E
      b) I love that my true love shows an interest in my dietary needs . . . B

17. a) I can always count on my baby doll to drive me to softball practice and cheer for me from the stands . . . D
      b) Nothing makes me more excited than to lobby congress with my pumpkin . . . C

18. a) I love for ma petite chou to tell me how cute my animals are . . . A
      b) I love that my dearest respects my preference for organic tofu . . . B

19. a) I can't help but tell my gem how much she means to me every time I see her . . .E
      b) My lover runs drills with me, and I appreciate that . . . D

20. a) My shortstop is my MVP for life . . . D
      b) I'm amazed at how concerned my beauty is for social good . . . C

21. a) I love that my princess only has eyes for me, even in a crowd of dining sistren . . . B
      b) I love that the light of my life helps me set up for the big game . . . D

22. a) I look forward to working the voting booths with my precious love . . . C
      b) I never get tired of looking lovingly at my kitties with the object of my affection . . . A

23. a) My dumpling lets me know she loves me by donating to my favorite charity for my birthday . . . C
      b) My baby shows her love for me by getting tickets to the playoffs . . . D

24. a) My cherub sometimes surprises me with breakfast in bed, and it makes me happy . . . B
      b) My everything always considers her carbon footprint and environmental impact . . . C

25. a) My cuddle bug shows she cares by drawing us a bath after our soccer tourney . . . D
      b) I never tire of fighting for causes we believe in with my prize . . . C

26. a) I love listening to my dream girl's witty banter/ wittily bantering to my dream girl . . . E
      b) I love when my hottie asks me to go volunteer with her . . . C

27. a) My main girl's purring makes me smile . . . A
      b) I love enjoying a drink with my sugar plum . . . B

28. a) I couldn't ask for better protest signs than the ones my sweet potato makes . . . C
      b) I being cosmically connected to my soul bond . . . E

29. a) It means a lot to me when my hero helps me with my paddling technique (on the water!) . . . D
      b) It makes me feel great when my snookums brings home kibble for my little ones . . . A

30. a) I love re-declaring my undying love for my corazon when we've been separated for a long time, like a few hours . . . E
      b) I love seeing my love goddess talking to my kittens about their day . . . A

TALLY:
A_______ B_______ C_______ D_______ E_______

KEY: (for detailed descriptions of the love languages, see this previous post)
A = cats
B = brunch
C = activism
D = sports
E = Xena and Gabrielle fantasies

INTERPRETING AND USING YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your main love language is the one with the highest number. If the totals for two languages are equal, you are bilingual. If the second highest number doesn't fall far from the first, it is your secondary language. The highest score possible is 12.

Now, make sure your lady friend takes the quiz too so you can process your results together! What do you  need to feel loved? What does your lady friend need? Now you know! Just think of the fun you'll have discussing how to better meet each others' needs!

If you take the quiz, share your results in the comments!

Happy Holiday-ing!

Greetings Sistren! Soon, I will be embarking on a journey to holiday with my lady friend and my out-of-laws. I'm sure I will come back with many exciting tips for you all about joining someone else's holiday traditions, but before I jet off for warmer climates I wanted to remind you of our previous tips, whether you'll be celebrating the holiday with or without your lady friend. My own game plan is to bring my amazing Christmas sweater and homemade holiday headbands so I can bring my charming personal traditions to the out-of-laws home. I'm sure they'll love it!

If you'll be vacationing with your out-of-laws, or bringing your lady friend to your family's celebration, check out this previous post:
Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?

If you find yourself without your lady friend and feel unable to bear the sadness, check out these posts:
How do I live without you? I want to know.

Separated for the holidays? A coping guide.

If you have the luck of going out on a date with a hot new lady this holiday season, be sure to check out first date tips first:
Keeping you a secret: What not to spill on your first date.

And make sure you don't send her mixed signals. The last thing a lady wants to spend her holiday doing is over-analyzing your crazy communication:

Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do


I can see clearly now the rain is gone

As always, we wish you dear handful of readers a jolly ({}) holiday. In the new year we'll have our Lesbian Love Languages quiz! Stay tuned.

Lesbian Love Languages

Sistren, recently The Librarian and I were gifted an amazing gift from our friends: The 5 Love Languages. What a score! It's filled with hyper-heteronormative relationship descriptions and a hideously sexist quiz. Taking the quiz tells you if your love language is physical touch, quality time, acts of service (the non-naughty kind), words of affirmation, or receiving gifts. Naturally, we loved it, and took the quizzes from both the dude and lady perspectives. My love languages are physical touch and quality time, in case you were wondering. Yet while we found it highly informative, and I'm super excited to continue filling The Librarian's "Love Tank" (direct quote!), I found it lacked content for us sistren. Thus, I give you my own version: The Lesbian Love Languages.

 1. Cats
Some ladies show their love, or want others to show love to them, via cat. If this is your love language, you probably want your partner to talk about how lovable and cute your furry friends are, to admire their playfulness and wit, talk at length about their emotional states, etc. You may meow while flirting, act cold and aloof when hurt, and feel threatened when others encroach on your territory. You want your lady to cuddle with you and curl up in your lap to show affection. You want nothing more than for her to make you purr.
**Note: Dogs are an acceptable substitute**

2. Brunch
Some ladies show their affection through food, preferably in potluck form with friends. If this is your language, you want your partner to make you something special, like those vegan gluten free muffins you like, and make sure to save one before the other ladies devour them all. Your ideal partner would love basking in the glory of your sistren at a group brunch, but would only have eyes for you. She'd sit next to you, and you'd even drink from the same cup, because you obviously share everything. When you're not potlucking, you love for your woman to bring you breakfast in bed. You may even like cooking for her too- heating it up in the kitchen is your idea of a great time.

3. Activism
There's nothing Sistren love more than social justice! If activism is the way to your heart, you long for your love interest to show her interest by joining you at the phone bank, on the picket lines, or at the march. To win your heart, a girl has to notice the buttons on your backpack and start handing out leaflets accordingly. No dinner and a movie dates for you: you'd rather go door to door with your lady, canvassing for your favorite local candidate; serve food at the local soup kitchen; take a romantic stroll at the dyke march, hand in hand; or email your sistren friends to join your cause. When a lady starts campaigning for your heart, she has her work cut out for her, but all that hard work will pay off if she stays true to the cause.

4. Sports
We all know lesbos love sports. Be it women's basketball, soccer, softball, hiking, kayaking, what have you, we love a good game or outdoor activity. And not always for the exercise- I didn't watch the Olympic soccer games because I understood the rules, if you know what I mean. (Call me ladies!) But anyway, I digress.
If you're fluent in sports, you want your lady to join a softball team/ hiking group / kayaking class with you. Or at the very least, get you courtside tickets to see your favorite team. No fouls here- the right lady for you will combat roll with you just to show she cares. You'll only show her your inside game after she shows she proves she's got the skills to play on your team.

 5. Xena and Gabrielle Fantasies
You know who you are- pretending you're Gabrielle and your lady love is Xena, or vice versa. This love language manifests in many ways: wanting your honey to watch super cheesy lesbian films with you, reading romance novels aloud (which are mostly Xena ubers anyway, lets face it), going to Xena conventions, etc. To win your heart, your lady has to first figure out which character you imagine yourself to be and act accordingly. She would woo you by standing loyally by your side and regaling you with her witty banter, or alternatively by defending you against evil foes and being your constant protector. She'll write you a poem or sing you a ballad, but whichever your preference, she'll declare you her soulmate for life as you ride off into the sunset together (on the same horse, naturally).

But how do you know which love language you speak? Stay tuned for our quiz and you can find out.

Think we left out any lesbian love languages? Let us know!

An Open Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

I have been enthusiastically following your musical career for the last few years. I've been with you from "Fifteen" to "22" and I can't wait to see what you come up with when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing. I'm excited - really. But before our relationship goes any further, I want us to be real with one another.

I can't help but notice that all your romantic entanglements on record seem to flame out spectacularly. Partly, this is because you have somewhat dubious taste in gentleman callers. (Three words: John. Fucking. Mayer.) Partly, this is because you're 22, and a large piece of what makes being 22 magical and miserable at the same time is making terrible life choices. Ultimately, though, I think you'd be happier dating ladies. The things you want from a boyfriend -- like moving in together after a month, someone who spoils your cats, and plaid shirt days and nights? Ladyfriends do it better. Let me tell you why, from a careful reading of your lyrics (and a reading that is not at all hugely informed by stereotypes).

(1) We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together (but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it)

Remember that time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Forever and Always"). Remember that OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Last Kiss") Remember that OTHER OTHER time you wrote a song about Joe Jonas? ("Holy Ground") Don't worry, Taylor. You're not alone. On your first date with a lady, not only will talking about your exes be encouraged, it will be expected.

(2) Space is for aliens. And people who aren’t committed.

You know how when you bought that house near Conor Kennedy (and decided to hang on to it even after you broke up) everyone freaked out on you and said you were stalking him and stuff? For lesbians, this is called U-Hauling, and it is not only totally acceptable but commonplace. No one would have been surprised at all if you were dating a lady instead of Conor and did this. You could have followed her, followed her home and people would have been supportive and brought you cookies and candles and cats and other nice housewarming presents.

While straight people call this "moving too fast," as a lesbian, I like to call this "being committed." Writing a song like "Stay Stay Stay" - whose lyrics include, "All this time that you didn't leave / it's been occurring to me / I'd like to hang out with you / for my whole life" as well as the repeated, increasingly menacing chorus "stay stay stay stay stay stay stay” - after, like, dating someone for two months is equivalent to writing your first lesbian anthem. So well played, baby Tay-Tay. Well-played.

(3) Last Kiss

Do you remember what your breakup with Joe Jonas was like? It went something like this: “And I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes” and “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep” and “I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.” Some might say this is a shitty program for getting over your exes and that some of the sentiments expressed here are, you know, creepy. But as someone who routinely wears her girlfriend’s clothes and watches her sleep, I want you to know that you don’t need to limit yourself any longer. Do you want to sniff your partner’s hair a few times a day? Brush their long lustrous ladylocks? Bite her nose just to see what happens next? Wear the same hiking boots? Taylor, you will love this shit, because once you merge with your partner, they can never leave you. Never.

(4) Let’s Make a Baby, Tina

No one – and I mean NO ONE – fantasizes about having ten kids and teaching them how to dream on their first date. But if anyone were to, it’d be a gay lady. Time works differently in lesbo-land; being together for a month is in some cases the right time to get engaged. So why plan for one baby when you could have ten? And why have ten babies when you could have TEN CATS? You know you want it, Taylor. You know you do.

(5) It’s All About the Process

Guess who loves to process? Lesbians. Guess who else loves to process? You. And it’s not like you don’t know it! Sistren Brambles (hereafter known as “Brambles”) did some “research” on you / was just reading about your life because she cares, and she found this gem: Of your typical relationship, you say, “It usually lasts four and a half months, and then it all just disintegrates. Then I spend, like, a year and a half mourning the loss of it.” AND NEVER LETTING GO. You and every lesbian ever, Taylor. If you dated a woman, not only would you get to touch boobs and such, you could work out your feelings BEFORE committing them to song. Imagine the possibilities.

(6) CATS FOR PRESIDENT

The following is copy-pasta’d from Brambles, who made many compelling arguments for your latent homosexuality, Taylor. She writes: My girl Taylor loves cats, just like the rest of the lesbian sistren. She loves to post videos (here and here) and photos (here) of her Scottish fold cat, Meredith (after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, who is clearly gay for Christina Yang, but I digress), online. They are usually really, really awkward. Also, she wears clothing and accessories with cats on them. When she arrived at her Glamour interview, she sported “flats with little cat faces.” CAT FACES. And, apparently she must really love them, because she wore them for an interview with Rolling Stone, too: “her flats have cartoon cat heads on the toes.”

Brambles also argues that like many lesbians, you also enjoy antiquing. I think she is probably right – my girlfriend, Not Amy Ray, also enjoys hunting for old things: in her case, mostly Meryl Streep and Mary McDonnell, but the argument holds. In any case, Taylor, please accept my well-wishes for your future. I hope you know that I have only your best interests at heart – I think if you seriously consider these arguments you’ll find a quick way to rid yourself of those teardrops on your guitar.