Academic Analogies for Dating (Academics still suck at dating)

Sistren friends, Indigo Labrys and I are on another "work" date (i.e., gossiping and pretending to do work) and are still concerned about our single academic buddies who are struggling in their search for their one true love. Thus, we felt another post on dating was necessary. All good academics like to have several studies backing up a claim in their literature review, so we're here to help you.

We are not claiming to be super smooth with ladies (we have a lot of bad/awkward dating stories between the two of us), but we feel our bad experiences can help you get a date/ get laid. To our dear friends- you know who you are- please try to follow our advice. We just want the best for you/ are tired of hearing you whine. That may be more me, Indigo Labrys is much nicer than me and would never accuse her friends of whining.

So, we thought we would continue to try to speak in academic language so that the advice is heard by the intended audience. Below, please find some analogies we think will help you on your dating escapades. A warning: this post is long, but as a grad student you are used to reading long articles, so we have faith in your abilities to finish this post.

Have a clear thesis
Friends, just as you need a clear thesis in any paper you write, you need to be clear when stating your intentions. We  have written about this before, so feel free to consult our prior post on giving clear signals. So to restate our thesis, we suggest that when you want to go on a date with someone/ hang out with them because you think in the future maybe you'll be interested in dating once you get to know them better/ you think you may want to invite them to your bedroom, you should be clear with your intentions.

Clear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to go out on a date with you/ I'd like to go on a date with you in my bedroom.
• (The key words in the above are on a date- the person will be flattered! Directness is sexy!)

Unclear dating thesis statements:

• I'd like to get together to work on our respective academic projects together. (When you really want this to be a romantic study date that leads to a study of each others' bodies)
• I'd like to hang out, but totally just as friends. (When actually, you want to sleep with them. And not as friends)
• Do you want to get coffee/ get lunch/ have you acknowledged Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? (Unless any of these are your sole intentions in social interactions, don't use them as pickup lines.)

Remember to always be consistent. Do all of your actions support your thesis? Did you just see the lady of your dreams but were too nervous to talk to her and now she thinks you hate her? It's ok- send her a message. Do you need to revise your original thesis? Did you think you just wanted a date, but now want a date in the bedroom? Inform him/her/hir of your change of heart/loins. Are you not that into her after a date? Thank her for coming out, wish her the best, and don't invite her out again. That is polite and clear without being rude. 

Peer Review

Sometimes you want to consult your friends about your new or potential new love interest. This is totally fine, and most friends (especially us- bring to us your dating stories friends!) will love to rehash every thing that happened on your date. They will also be happy to ponder with you about if your interest may be interested in you too. However, like academic peer review, you have to pick and choose which pieces of advice will work for you. You can do it- you're smart and capable! So if one friends says OMG you should ask her to the Chris Pureka concert, and another says no you should take her somewhere more intimate, just follow your instincts. You're the one that knows her best. (Indigo Labrys: If the question is Chris Pureka, the answer is always "Fuck yes.")

Choose your conferences wisely

In academia land, it can be overwhelming to choose which conferences to go to in your field. You have to think about location, who will be there, what people you can schmooze with for potential jobs upon graduation, which has parties with open bar, etc. The same is true for dating. If you're single, choose social situations with people you truly like doing activities you love. For example, don't just show up to a stitch and bitch session because you heard hot ladies were there if you hate knitting or yarn. Go to the things you like, find a crowd of people who you have things in common with and want to hang out with. If you stay with this crowd consistently,  you just may find your future leading lady. And just like at conferences, while the star academic may not give you the time of day, there will be others there who are awesome. And they can introduce you to other people, which at a conference can lead to writing buddies/jobs, and in your love life can lead to potential life mates. 

Blind Submission (No, not that kind of submission- unless that's what you're into.)

When submitting your work for publication or presentation, you often don't know who will be reviewing it. Because of this, you make sure that your points are clear, any jargon specific to your niche sub-field occupied by 3 other scholars is explained, your grammar is correct, and your citations are flawless. This attitude is what you need if one of your pals sets you up on a blind date/ you have an internet date. Be your best self- don't wear a non-date sweater, don't try to impress your date with jargon (it just makes you seem desperate), and don't go too crazy on the alcohol. Be cool, and just like at a conference, don't stress so much over your presentation that you can't enjoy listening/watching others' presentations. Don't let your nerves distract you from the (hopefully) awesome person in front of you.

Don't over think it

You know when your adviser is telling you to turn in a draft of something, and instead of doing it right away you start analyzing every word until you make yourself crazy? Would "cognitive" or "epistemological dissonance" describe your point more accurately? Will your adviser even read this paper at all? 

Dating can be like that too. While we are huge fans of close reading, and advocate using those skills to analyze texts/emails/conversations, you have to know when enough is enough. Is there a special person you find attractive? Do you think they may like you/ not be repulsed if you ask them out? Yes? Go for it! Because while a relationship is never simple, asking someone out should be.

You should also not over think your first date. Go with the expectation that you'll have a fun evening, nothing more. Don't expect to order the u-haul. As one of my wise friends once said when I was having a moment of over thinking after a date, all you should be asking yourself after a first date is do you want to see this person again? If so, great, do it! If not, great, don't do it! 

Theory to Practice

There are times in an academic life when a theoretical framework is necessary. Sometimes you may be expected to state your theoretical framework up front. But other times it's important to be open minded to theories you haven't considered before. Think of dating in the more exploratory realm. Just as you shouldn't disregard someone's work just because they don't use exactly the same scholarship as you, you shouldn't rule out a potential date who doesn't have all the same interests as you. So don't have too many preconceived notions of how your future wifey should be. Expecting them to be kind, loyal, fun to be with, great, all normal expectations. Expecting them to love the same board games as you and to have 3 kittens who will love you immediately, however, is just not going to work.

And for the goddess' sake, you have to actually be willing to put your theory into practice. Meaning, you have to actually DO something. Think of it as embodied practice, if you will. Just like that conference proposal won't write itself and that job won't fall into your lap without talking or writing to someone, so will your lady friend not come to you without putting in at least some minimal effort. As much as you try, you will never be Shane. So go talk to you lady and ask her out.

Your life is more than your dissertation

It is easy for us academics to hole up in our writing caves of choice and only appear on occasion to predict the coming of spring/ buy more highlighters/ bathe on occasion. If you are similarly committed to finding a dating partner, you  may be similarly single-minded. Sadly, this will not help in your quest! (Not that I know from personal experience, or anything.) Ladies can smell desperation, and will run in the opposite direction if the sense it in you. To prevent yourself from getting to that points remember your other friends and interests. Just as you have work out/ happy hour/ craft times scheduled with your school pals to keep each other sane during academic crunch time, it's important to do this while hunting for your lady prey. 

You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Gosh Darn It, People Like You

At some point in your academic career, you have to trust that your work speaks for itself. You don't need constant affirmation from your adviser(s)/ school pals/ random people at parties you force to listen to your elevator speech. You're awesome. Ladies will think you're awesome too. Don't worry about proving yourself- your actions will do it for you.

Friends, we wish you luck in love. If you have any other analogies/ questions/ comments, please feel free to let us know. There are few things I love more than blogging about queer ladies when I should be writing/ working one of my gazillion jobs to pay the bills/ crying over my bank balance. 

Buck Up or Shut Up (Or, Why Academics Suck at Getting Laid)

Greetings, my sistren. I apologize for my long absence from this blog; fear not, my feelings remain as plentiful and prone to over-sharing as ever!

Today, the Librarian’s Lesbian Lover and I got together this morning to work on our respective academic projects; however, we soon realized that my work, at least, needed to be put on hold in order to give some timely advice to our friends.

Two of our fair sistren are experiencing relationship woes and have (wisely or not) asked Not Allured and I for advice. (I’m just being modest. You should definitely ask us for advice. You should ALSO expect us to blog about it.)

Anyway. So here are their respective quandaries in a nutshell (forgive me; patriarchy is everywhere, sistren): how do we ask someone out? Their situations are very different; one, “Xena,” is single and ready to mingle but doesn’t know other available lesbians; the other, “Not Gay Clara,” has her eye on a new man-friend, but is worried about ruining a potential friendship by asking him out.

To both of these women, we say: WOMAN UP, SISTREN, AND PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS. (And then you can put your mouth everywhere! Eheheh.)

When Not Allured and I communicated this to our sistren, one of them began bemoaning the difficulty of relationships. Which is a perfectly acceptable thing to have feels about. (Come here and let me validate you.) However, we would like to make one thing VERY CLEAR: good relationships of any kind are not simple and easy.

But why not, Indigo Labrys? So many wonderful things are simple and easy! And this is true, my sistren!

Here is a list of things that should be simple and easy:

• A good recipe for chocolate-chip cookies
• Making jokes about your mom
• Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide
• Buttering your toast
• Petting your cat(s) (but be prepared for the bite!)
• Wearing cat shirts
• Getting a labrys tattoo
• Tasting the rainbow
• Boiling water
• Recognizing how hot Chris Pureka is (MARRY US CHRIS. We have healthy ideas about what a good relationship looks like, and we suspect you may need some help in this area, because FUCK, "Burning Bridges" is a sad song, yo)
• Making fun of the GOP
• Righteous anger at anti-abortion legislation
• Walking your dog
• Brushing your teeth
• Singing along to “Closer to Fine” in the car with your sistren

And this is just the beginning. However, do you know what will never appear on this list?
RELATIONSHIPS.

It’s sad! I know that I, like many of my sistren, have dreamed of the day when I would lock eyes with another lady while playing pool at the local lesbian bar and then I would check out her boobs and notice that her shirt was covered in cat hair and then I’d raise my eyes to hers again and see them filled with (a) her soul and (b) my soul and (c) tears of joy. And without speaking a single word, we’d walk across the room to each other and join hands – and hearts! And then we’d have an anti-wedding because we think marriage is inherently oppressive and creepy (a topic for another day, sistren) and raise a family of cats together, and spend our spare time making muffins, and bad jokes, and sweet sweet love but also frolicking in fields with woodland creatures and, like, unicorns.

And we would play the Indigo Girls all the time and we would never be sad.

But even though this vision of a relationship is as shining and beautiful as Taylor Swift’s hair, it cannot actually exist in the real world (possibly also like my girl Taylor’s hair).

Because interacting with another human being – whether it is your BFFL, your mother, your lesbian lover, your fuck-buddy, your archnemesis, or your cat – is inherently complicated. You are engaging with an embodied consciousness that is entirely different from your own, and expecting that to be either simple or easy is both cray-cray and kinda boring. You are dealing with another human being and because that human being is not you, you’re going to have some issues. While we are not advocates of relationships that are constantly difficult (I could never forge a soulbond with an Ayn Rand fan, for example), Not Allured and I firmly believe that a good relationship should be challenging.

And it will be challenging from the beginning because this is how it goes, sistren. Sometimes you need to ask that hot slice from the gym out, and that’s going to involve a certain amount of risk and uncertainty and maybe it will be difficult BUT HEY, maybe you’ll also get laid.

RAINBOWS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!

I'm too happy/ crying deliriously to form coherent sentences based on the SCOTUS decisions today. So here's a rainbow flag.

Technology makes the heart grow fonder

Sistren, it's that time of year again when us grad students travel to far away lands (like a whole 2.5 hours from my house) to take summer jobs to supplement the piddly stipends we get during the school year. So yes, I am sadly separated from The Librarian yet again. Hardship! So I thought it was time for another post on coping with separation from your lady friend, because let's face it, sistren tend to have major separation anxiety.

Just before my journey away from our love nest, I finally entered the 2010s and got my first smart phone. I realize now there are so many more options for keeping in constant contact than ever before!

Without further ado, here are some amazing ways to show your one and only (or two and only, or however you roll) that you truly care even though you are kept apart. Probably some of you have figured these out ages ago, but bear with me, as I am just getting hip to the technology. And if these tips still aren't enough to get you through, try these.

Instagram
There are few things I like more than documenting, and now I can do it with filters! Here's some tips for my sistren:

1. Create a special hashtag just for your relationship. Because why keep your special bond private when you can share it with all your instagram followers? May I suggest: #catmommies, #scissorsistren, #ladylovah1, or #xena&gabriellegotnothingonus
2. Have your lady friend take pictures doing everyday things like eating breakfast, reading lesbian romances, or checking the gay news online and send them to you. Take pictures of yourself doing the same activities, and use instacollage to put them together! It'll be like you're sharing the moments together! (be sure to use your hashtag)
3. Use instaeffects to add symbolic meaning to your photos: stickers that say things like "sweet" over your true love's face, or rainbow sparkles over the top to celebrate pride month across the distance.
4. Post pictures of yourself looking sad and/or longingly at a photograph of her, because nothing says true love like pining.

Facetime

Like Skype or Google hangout, but on your phone! Do you really need to talk to your woman at all times? Have an internet connection? You are all set! You can try these strategies:

1. Facetime during all those moments you usually do together: changing the sheets, bickering over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, or making hummus.
2. Why not just leave it on all day? If people ask you why you're looking into your phone so much, pretend that you don't speak the language and are using it as a translating device.
3. You can screencap your conversations together, and them instagram them! Fun!

So sistren, I hope these ideas help you in your time of need. If you have other ways to keep in touch while physically separated (because of course we are never mentally or emotionally separated!), please let us know.

Science!

Lesbian Love Language Quiz!

A special treat before the New Year arrives- the Lesbian Love Language Quiz! Because what better way to ring in the New Year than with some good old fashioned lesbian processing?? I know I can't think of a better way!

So sistren, do you want to find out what your lesbian love language is? Do you want to know how to communicate with your partner/soulmate on a deeper level? This quiz will help you and your lady love improve your u-hauling/ domestic partnership/ civil union/ same-sex marriage in certain states/ fun time relationship.

INSTRUCTIONS:
The quiz consists of 30 pairs of statements. Choose the statement that would make you feel the love tonight the most and record the letter (A, B, C, D, or E). At the end, you'll tally the number of choices for each letter to find your primary love language. While it may be difficult to choose between two statements, it is essential that you choose only one to ensure your results are completely accurate. Take your time, and enjoy!

1.  a) I feel good when my lady love takes me to see the kittens at Petco... A
     b) I love my woman's piercing blue eyes and dark hair, (or at least they look like this if I squint) . . . E

2.  a) I like to have a home cooked meal with my sweetheart. . . . B
     b) I feel loved when my honey goes with me to a women's basketball came . . . D

3.  a) Phone banking with my love makes me happy . . . C
     b) I enjoy lazy mornings drinking mimosas with my boo . . . B

4.  a) I feel loved when my cupcake and I are looking at a beautiful view, atop a mountain we just hiked.      (Note- in this case, it is an actual, physical mountain, not a metaphorical mountain of love) . . . D
     b) I like it when my sweetums rescues me from danger . . . E

5.  a) I feel loved when my favorite recites a poem she wrote for me . . . E
     b) I know my soul twin loves me when she joins me in a women's march . . . C

6.  a) I like going to gatherings of sistren with my bestest, particularly when there's tasty homemade vegan gluten-free cruelty-free cuisine . . . B
    b) I like to face the forces of evil with my muffin . . . E

7.  a) I value my sugar's commitment to social justice . . . C
     b) I love when my gal takes care of my animals . . . A

8.  a) I like to think about how my cookie and I are destined for each other . . . E
     b) My wifey tells me my kittens are adorable, and I like that . . . A

9.  a) Eating scones with my beloved makes me happy . . . B
     b) My precious wears buttons on her shirt to express her beliefs, and I like that . . C

10. a) I feel loved when my ducky plays hide and seek with my cat . . . A
      b) When my buttercup challenges me to a kayaking race, I know she cares . . . D

11. a) No matter the menu, I love sharing a meal with my sweet pea . . . B
      b) Flattering comments towards my pets make me feel good . . . A

12. a) Being active with my special sistren means more to me than the things she says . . . D
      b) I love to go on long walks through the countryside with my sugarcane . . . E

13. a) When my special friend nuzzles me and sits in my lap, it makes me happy . . . A
      b) It means a lot to me that my darling knows which causes matter most to me . . . C

14. a) Just sitting at the breakfast table with my honey bun makes me feel good . . . B
      b) I love it when my jewel lets me sit in front of her on her valiant steed, or shotgun in her sports car . . . E

15. a) My lamb's reactions to my kitty's antics are so encouraging . . . A
      b) It means so much to me when my (future) baby momma cheers for my favorite sports team, even if it rivals hers . . . D

16. a) I never get tired of lying in my true love's arms . . . E
      b) I love that my true love shows an interest in my dietary needs . . . B

17. a) I can always count on my baby doll to drive me to softball practice and cheer for me from the stands . . . D
      b) Nothing makes me more excited than to lobby congress with my pumpkin . . . C

18. a) I love for ma petite chou to tell me how cute my animals are . . . A
      b) I love that my dearest respects my preference for organic tofu . . . B

19. a) I can't help but tell my gem how much she means to me every time I see her . . .E
      b) My lover runs drills with me, and I appreciate that . . . D

20. a) My shortstop is my MVP for life . . . D
      b) I'm amazed at how concerned my beauty is for social good . . . C

21. a) I love that my princess only has eyes for me, even in a crowd of dining sistren . . . B
      b) I love that the light of my life helps me set up for the big game . . . D

22. a) I look forward to working the voting booths with my precious love . . . C
      b) I never get tired of looking lovingly at my kitties with the object of my affection . . . A

23. a) My dumpling lets me know she loves me by donating to my favorite charity for my birthday . . . C
      b) My baby shows her love for me by getting tickets to the playoffs . . . D

24. a) My cherub sometimes surprises me with breakfast in bed, and it makes me happy . . . B
      b) My everything always considers her carbon footprint and environmental impact . . . C

25. a) My cuddle bug shows she cares by drawing us a bath after our soccer tourney . . . D
      b) I never tire of fighting for causes we believe in with my prize . . . C

26. a) I love listening to my dream girl's witty banter/ wittily bantering to my dream girl . . . E
      b) I love when my hottie asks me to go volunteer with her . . . C

27. a) My main girl's purring makes me smile . . . A
      b) I love enjoying a drink with my sugar plum . . . B

28. a) I couldn't ask for better protest signs than the ones my sweet potato makes . . . C
      b) I being cosmically connected to my soul bond . . . E

29. a) It means a lot to me when my hero helps me with my paddling technique (on the water!) . . . D
      b) It makes me feel great when my snookums brings home kibble for my little ones . . . A

30. a) I love re-declaring my undying love for my corazon when we've been separated for a long time, like a few hours . . . E
      b) I love seeing my love goddess talking to my kittens about their day . . . A

TALLY:
A_______ B_______ C_______ D_______ E_______

KEY: (for detailed descriptions of the love languages, see this previous post)
A = cats
B = brunch
C = activism
D = sports
E = Xena and Gabrielle fantasies

INTERPRETING AND USING YOUR PROFILE SCORE
Your main love language is the one with the highest number. If the totals for two languages are equal, you are bilingual. If the second highest number doesn't fall far from the first, it is your secondary language. The highest score possible is 12.

Now, make sure your lady friend takes the quiz too so you can process your results together! What do you  need to feel loved? What does your lady friend need? Now you know! Just think of the fun you'll have discussing how to better meet each others' needs!

If you take the quiz, share your results in the comments!

Happy Holiday-ing!

Greetings Sistren! Soon, I will be embarking on a journey to holiday with my lady friend and my out-of-laws. I'm sure I will come back with many exciting tips for you all about joining someone else's holiday traditions, but before I jet off for warmer climates I wanted to remind you of our previous tips, whether you'll be celebrating the holiday with or without your lady friend. My own game plan is to bring my amazing Christmas sweater and homemade holiday headbands so I can bring my charming personal traditions to the out-of-laws home. I'm sure they'll love it!

If you'll be vacationing with your out-of-laws, or bringing your lady friend to your family's celebration, check out this previous post:
Is she really gonna spend four days with just you and your dad?

If you find yourself without your lady friend and feel unable to bear the sadness, check out these posts:
How do I live without you? I want to know.

Separated for the holidays? A coping guide.

If you have the luck of going out on a date with a hot new lady this holiday season, be sure to check out first date tips first:
Keeping you a secret: What not to spill on your first date.

And make sure you don't send her mixed signals. The last thing a lady wants to spend her holiday doing is over-analyzing your crazy communication:

Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do


I can see clearly now the rain is gone

As always, we wish you dear handful of readers a jolly ({}) holiday. In the new year we'll have our Lesbian Love Languages quiz! Stay tuned.