Cats Don't Belong in the Bedroom

Don't get me wrong; I love my cats.

And there are many places cats belong: on your couch, on your bookshelves, in any crinkly bag, on top of your papers, in the last place you look, and in your heart.

But they do not belong in your bedroom.

I'm going to help you get a sense of your boundaries first by providing you with the following questions. Answer honestly, or you won't be able to learn and grow from this experience.

(1) How many times have you begun to look tenderly into your lover's eyes and smooth back the hair from her forehead as you lean in to kiss her ripe, luscious mouth, when all of the sudden, your cats show up for some untimely petting action?

(2) How many times have you felt a pair of eyes on you in the boudoir that did not belong to your woman?

(3) How many times have you been in the throes of ecstasy when, between your murmured endearments and cries of pleasure, you became aware of an approving purr emerging from your ever watchful cats?

(4) How many times have you felt the sharp claws of a she-beast slash kitten rake your bare back as you make sweet sweet love?

(5) Has your lovemaking ever been disturbed by a cat landing on your face?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes or maybe or it wasn't my face, you have a problem. And I am here to help you. As the proud guardian of two cats, I too have had to deal with the always sensitive issue of cats in the bedroom. Many lesbians are very attached to their cats, after all, and some people take it badly when you ask them if Fluffykins could maybe sit this one out or if they wouldn't mind moving the litterbox from the bedroom so you don't have to listen to cats shuffling around in there while you make sweet lesbian love.

These people are (obviously) wrong.

Why does this happen? Like many of our other posts, this problem occurs because of a lack of respect for boundaries. There is a time and a place for cats (most of the time, and everywhere but your bedroom, respectively). Respect these boundaries and you won't have to worry about any of getting your back clawed off when you go downtown, or hearing anything during sex except the slick beats of Melissa Ferrick's "Drive" (or when you lover accidentally calls out for Rachel Maddow).

Nothing is more of a turn-off in bed than realizing there's more than two people in this relationship - and some of them are cats.

Wanna go back to my place? Preparing your boudoir for a lady friend.

A few days ago, I was watching a terrible typical lesbian movie with Indigo Labrys, Amy Ray, The Librarian, and other sistren friends, and Indigo Labrys and I had another brainstorm. Early in the "film," the main character brings a lady back to her abode. First, she does an unfortunate "sexy" dance in front of her headlights after she pulls into her driveway (don't do that, sistren) and then brings her into her house and her bedroom. It was atrocious! Clothes all over the bed! Props on the bed! Not good!

When you bring a lady over to your home for the first time, be prepared. Even if you think you're just meeting for coffee, or you're just going out to the lady bar to play darts, it's always my motto to be prepared just in case. (I was a Girl Scout, you know). It doesn't have to be so clean you could eat off the floor, but you don't want it to look like something's been nesting in there either. Next time you think there's a chance that a lady could be joining you for the evening, consider these points:

1. Don't have any barriers on the bed. Don't go all Tegan and Sara and "build a wall of books between [you] in your bed," save that for after you've u-hauled and grown bored. Don't leave books, remnants of your midnight snack, or discarded clothes from when you were deciding what to wear (because I'm assuming you followed my advice and did not go out in your track pants).  Throwing your lady on it in fit of passion stops being sexy when she gets all bruised from the crap you forgot you left there.
2. Don't leave your "marriage aids" out. This doesn't mean you can't use them right away if the mood strikes the two of you, but leaving them on your nightstand makes you look too eager.
3. Don't have a bunch of super-coupley pictures of you and your ex ladyfriend sitting around your bedroom, especially if they are in heart shaped picture frames that say "Lovahs4Life" or something. Now if you're polyamorous, your new partner knows this, and the pics are of your current lady (or ladies) I suppose this is OK, though it still might kill the mood.
4. Make sure you can have private sexy times. If you live with roommates, be sure they're cool. It can be awkward to have a lady over and have to traipse past your housemates first and make small talk. Hopefully you have a separate room (dorm children, I feel for you) and door with a lock! And some music on so you can whisper sweet nothings without your housemates overhearing. 
5. Make sure the sheets are clean. I mean, I hope you'd know that, but you can never be sure.

Keep it classy ladies! Don't bring your future soul-mate or one-night stand to a pigsty. Rats' nests are not sexy, and no one wants to worry about getting a disease or an injury from laying on your bed. You want ladies to flock to you, not suddenly make excuses about having to wake up early/ write a paper/ re-alphabetize their lesbian movie collection as soon as they see where you are going to put on the moves.

You're not going to wear that, are you?

Ladies, I am no fashionista, but sometimes the wardrobe choices of my lesbo sistren distress me. When I first realized I was batting for the other team, I was living in Japan, where fashion is on a whole other plane of spiritual existence. This was the time where I went from wearing T-shirts and jeans all the time to wearing sequins and legwarmers (I'm mostly back to T-shirts and jeans again, in case you were wondering. But I do love my big dangly earrings.) When I got back to my 'Merikan homeland, I was bored with the way people dressed. Fleece jackets, jeans, and ponytails 24/7? Snore. (Some of you may guess what part of our fair nation I returned to based on this categorization alone! And you're probably right. Assuming someone other than our lady friends reads this....)

Anyway, I went to my first 'Merikan lady bar, all excited to be with  my kind and being able to converse with all in my native language, only to be horrified by what some chose to wear. Track pants? Sweats? We were out. At a club. Did this not mean a little effort was necessary? Imagine my distress when I got sneered at by a few girls, and "straight girl" was whispered, as if 1) that were an insult and 2) my girly-ish clothing and the fact that it had taken me 20 instead of 5 minutes to get ready banned me from the club. I was miffed, to say the least. (Don't worry sistren- later, I found another queer club in the same fair city that was lovely, and had people who dressed like they were going dancing, not to a softball game, and weren't so surly, and I was as happy as could be.)

All of a sudden I was being labeled as a "femme," when no one had every called me feminine in my life. I was the girl who did all the stereotypical girly after-school activities- piano lessons! ballet class! girl scouts! (does that one count?)- but was always seen as kind of a tom boy. This was probably because I got mad at anti-feminist behavior, and didn't giggle when a boy tried to flirt with me. But I'm getting off topic. Anyway, apparently in lesbian world, femme meant that you put in a small amount of effort to your appearance. I mean, I don't wear makeup, but I do use hair product, is that why I was femme? I like to wear dresses sometimes? I don't wear hoodies and a baseball cap to a bar? Unless it's my hat that says T.W.A.T. TEAM, bad girls bad girls, whatcha gonna do. That one is a classic lesbian bar hat! Don't you agree?

So while I don't really get the whole butch/femme thing that some people still ascribe to, I do have strong feelings about what you should and should not wear when you go out with the specific purpose of meeting/impressing a lady friend. I seem to get this penchant for judging others' wardrobe choices from my father. For a man who will wear a T-shirt until it has holes all over it, and wears socks with sandals, he always has a lot to say about other peoples' fashion decisions. Therefore, this trait is genetic, and totally excusable.

Getting back to my tale, a few months ago my lady friend and I were having lunch with "Amy Ray," and reminiscing about our first date. I say that the first time we met in person was our first date, though my lady friend, we'll call her "The Librarian" (guess who named this blog?), claims that it was not a date as we were just  meeting for coffee, and maybe dinner if we decided we liked each other and weren't insane. We did, and we weren't, and one date later decided we "liked liked" each other, and the rest is history. Obviously, I argued that that first meeting was a date, as we had been sending semi-flirtatious messages back and forth, and were meeting for the intention of seeing if we wanted to date. The Librarian claimed that if we hadn't liked each other, it wouldn't be a date. I countered that yes it would have, it would have just been a bad date, as Indigo Labrys has chronicled so humorously.

The whole point of sharing our bickering conversation is that I also pointed out that she wore a non-date sweater, which should have been a no-no since it was our first date, and you should dress to impress. Now ladies, it was December and very cold, and I do love a good sweater. I had on one myself! But the one she wore was frumpy, very boxy and did nothing for her shape, and made my first visual impression one of "meh" instead of "who is that sexy lady I get to have coffee with now?" It looked like one of those Scandinavian style ones that are meant to be worn on the slopes.

I tried to find the exact sweater in question, but apparently it is packed away somewhere. As it should be.

Ladies. this "meh" is not the reaction you should be going for! Obviously I found her personality charming, but what if you are a shy lady whose personality can not shine through a frumpy outfit? What if you are on a date with someone who needs that physical attraction with the mental attraction right from the start? (Not that I used to be like that or anything, not me!)

I'm not saying you have to look like you stepped off the runway- that would be off putting to most too. Just put in some effort. A clean shirt, at least. (The Librarian just read this, and wanted me to assert that her sweater was not dirty on the date in question- she does believe in cleanliness, thank the Goddess). One that doesn't make you look like a disgruntled housewife. You don't have to look like you're trying too hard, but what could be more flattering on a first date (because no matter what The Librarian claims, that is what we were on!!) than a clear signal to your potential life-mate that you care enough about your first meeting to at least take a second glance in the mirror on your way out.

And, as Indigo Labrys mentioned, I also don't recommend wearing outfits that are all tie-dyed and would get you nominated for that show What Not to Wear. Seriously, she totally told me that she had an outfit like this in her younger days, and I totally  just saw someone with that on the show. Not that I'm not guilty of this- when I lived in Japan, I also couldn't really  buy pants there, so I had a pair of jeans that I wore WAY too long, to the point of having frayed patches in the crotch region. I wore this pair of jeans in public all the time! Yikes! But you know when I wouldn't have worn them? On a first date! Or any date!

So ladies, don't wear a non-date sweater to meet your lady friend. Step it up a notch.

Pitching Woo and What NOT to Do

So, just the other day, my co-blogger Allure asked when my ladyfriend (hereafter referred to as "Amy Ray") and I started flirting with each other. And while Allure and I had explored several conundrums that afternoon - is it a date or a friend-date? what does a date sweater look like? can I ever wear tie-dye pants again? can I wear them ironically? - none was more difficult than determining when my ladyfriend, "Amy Ray," and I began dancing the ancient dance of lesbian flirtation.

I knew when I had begun pulling her metaphorical pigtails. But, like so many lesbians, I had no idea if she was interested in me. The only reason I asked "Amy" out was because my sister, my ex-girlfriend, and my other friends, after months of being supportive of my lady-lovin' angst, finally told me to woman the fuck up and ask her out. So I did, and it worked, and now we have many cats together and a relationship built on love, trust, and constant processing.

Happy ending. But this got me thinking - why didn't I know that "Amy" was interested in playing Xena to my Gabrielle? Is it just that I'm spectacularly unobservant? Am I so awkward that I was totally blind to the signal fires of flirtation slash homoboning? Were there clues that I somehow missed or misread? (As an English major, I am obviously a great close reader, so it totally wasn't this last one, just FYI).

Lesbian super sleuths, you're on the case! Here is what happened during my courtship of "Amy Ray."

We were exchanging our favorite poems through email. Because I am a constant soldier, a sometimes poet, and an English major, I chose sexy poems about getting down. For example, I sent her John Donne's "The Sunne Rising" - a seductive little piece about the boudoir, kind of like Nelly's "Hot in Herre," only hundreds of years earlier. (If you use that in an essay or as a dissertation topic, please feel free to cite me).

However, in response, here is what I received: poems about being alone forever; poems about being alone and super sad after your lover dies slash leaves you alone forever. Worst of all, at some point, she sent me a poem and asked me to guess the title. Was it about touching bodies? No, no it was not. Was it about secret love? Nope. Was it about anything that I could over-read and pretend was about me and how much we wanted each other? No, it was not. IT WAS ABOUT THE INTERNET.

Our conversation looked a bit like this:

Indigo Labrys: OH HEY GIRL HERE'S A POEM ABOUT MAKING SWEET SWEET LADY LOVE.
"Amy Ray": Here's a poem about being lonely and liking it.
Indigo Labrys: OH HEY GIRL HERE'S A POEM ABOUT LEAVING SOMEONE CLUES AND WANTING TO MAKE OUT WITH THEIR FACE.
"Amy Ray": Here's a poem about sadness. Her lover is dead and she'll probably never be happy, ever again.
Indigo Labrys: HERE'S A POEM ABOUT THIS GIRL WHO LIKES THIS OTHER GIRL AND MAYBE THEY SHOULD GET TOGETHER AND MAKE THE PONY WITH TWO TAILS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
"Amy Ray": Ok, here's a poem. You have to guess the title?
Indigo Labrys: IS IT ABOUT US DOING EACH OTHER?
"Amy Ray": ... it's about the internet.

And yeah, maybe part of the problem is that I like poetry and can close-read it like a mofo. Maybe when I read "You're wondering if I'm lonely. OK then, yes, I'm lonely as a plane rides lonely and level on its radio beam," my automatic response should NOT have been, "Welp, this one obviously isn't interested, because if she were, she'd stop sending me poems about how much the speaker likes being alone."

But she could have at least sent me a poem about boobs or something.

How to know if you're in an accidental lesbian relationship

I have these friends who are living a total Boston marriage. We're talking hetero-life-partner style. Naturally, I'm always teasing them that they are the most lesbian couple I know- but it's not really teasing, cause they totally are. I even learned some tips from them. For example, did you know that the grocery store will take two forms of payment on one transaction, thereby enabling you to split the bill down the center? Comes in handy when you're buying dinner party supplies with your lady friend, and splitting the individual items is too tiresome. Though these friends pretty much split all their groceries, as they are just that merged. So for the not-quite-lesbo ladies out there, look at this checklist. If you and your platonic lady friend can fit many of these descriptions, you may be in an accidental lesbian relationship.

1. You live together (cohabitating is a lesbian must- you all know we love to U-haul)
2. You split the grocery bill
3. You cook all your meals together
4. One of you makes breakfast/lunch/dinner for the other one, and tries to make her eggs just the way she likes them, and remembers to put her coffee in her favorite mug, the one with the cats on it
5. You spend all your time together- and I mean all your time
6. When you go to a bar to try to pick up guys, you spend all your time talking to your lady friend instead, and may or may not have asked a dude you just met to quiz you on how well you know your lady, until he slowly backs away and leaves you two alone
7. You go on family vacations together
8. You call her grandma the same pet name she calls her
9. Her mom sends you birthday cards
10. Her mom calls/texts/emails you, sometimes to ask about your lady friend, sometimes just to say hi, sometimes to conspire against/for her
11. You send her cutesy messages on facebook- aka, movie clips of scenes that symbolize your feelings for each other, tell her you  miss her when you've been separated for a few hours, etc.
12. You have so many inside jokes, no one listening to your conversations can understand what you're talking about
13. You invite actual lesbian couples over for double dates
14. You go to the vet together, both asking questions, and so the vet naturally assumes that Fifi the poodle has two mommies
15. When people invite you somewhere, they assume your other half will be joining you
16. Based on your facebook pictures, your friends start asking if you have something you want to tell them, and we both know what that something is. Additionally, you don't really know what to answer, since it's almost true
17. On Friday nights when you don't go out, you cuddle on the couch to watch TV
18. You accept invitations for each other
19. You wear each others clothes so much you may as well have one closet
20. You have a lesbian plate (I'm not joking here- see photographic evidence)

So how'd you do? I'll tell ya, my lady friend and I get way less marks on the checklist than my platonic-life-partner friends. Maybe we need to step it up a notch to really assert our place as the dominant couple in this comparison.

****UPDATE**** the hetero life-mates have informed me that there are 20 other things that could be on this list that they didn't tell me about, for example, that they send text messages from each others phones. Who knows what other coupley behavior they engage in while still being a non-couple . . .

For item 20, view this evidence:

 This is a plate from the platonic life partners. What's even more awesome about it is that one of them made it for the other for her birthday. However, if we note the body language, the hands behind the back may indicate that the girls aren't quite ready to cement their fate by holding hands and dancing off into the distance. While the legs out indicate a certain carefree joie de vivre, those clenched hands are just dying to be free! And clearly represent their hesitation to take their platonic life partnership to the next level. Will these two crazy kids ever realize their fate? Or will they continue this charade to meet "dudes" while really only being interested in talking to each other? Only time will tell.

This is a plate my lady friend's mom made, and then liked too much to give to us. Now note in this one the ladies are actually touching, making it clear they are actual lady friends. Their body language suggests an easy companionship, and as they are standing shoulder to shoulder, that they are on equal ground. We also see that the blond figure (indicating me, though I'm not blond. She made this pre-first-meeting) is slightly in front, indicating that the blond is the leader. This is completely true, and I'm glad to have parental-out-law acknowledgement of this fact. This is also indicated by our making the checklist for item 10. Why yes I do have pictures to send to Grandma, and I do think we should put that dresser there so I have more room on my side of the bed, thanks for asking mom-out-of-law!

Keepin' it in the family: Lesbian Incest

Now sistren, we all know that our lesbo community can be small. Sometimes too small. Trying to avoid your ex? It's difficult when you run into her at the queer dance party/roller derby/ natural food store all the time. Want to go on a date with the hot new girl you spied at the lady book club? She's already dated your best friend's exes' ex. Yes my friends, we are talking about the sad inevitability of lesbian incest. 

Don't confuse this with the everyday use of the term- as lesbians, you know what I mean. Lesbian incest if the phenomena of every-girl-dating-every-other-girl-in-your-lesbo-peer-group, creating a complicated web of dating insanity. It's like that one episode of the L Word (please, don't pretend that you didn't watch it), but you don't have to be all anal-retentive about it and create an actual chart. Unless you are trying to track the love of your life and see how many of your exes/hook-ups she has had relations with, and then go on and chart away. Then you can see how much processing you'll have to do before you U-haul yourself to domestic-partnered bliss!

Anyway, how much connectedness is too much connectedness? I mean, my fellow blogger and I are totally connected through 1 degree of separation (but we totally don't count ourselves as this! It barely counts! I swear!!). But I think we've all been in situations where you  just want to tell your friends to go outside the circle already and find some new lady pools to dip in!

Take a look at this list. If 2 or more ring a bell, you may be guilty of the various subtle shades of lesbian incest:

1. You're besties with your ex(es)
2. All your friends are exes
3. You met your current lady friend through your ex girlfriend
4. Your lady friend is your roommate's ex, but she's totally over her so it's cool
5. When you meet a new potential lady friend, you slyly ask your friends if they knew her, in the Biblical sense
6. Your girlfriend's ex is now dating your ex, and the four of you have potlucks together regularly
7. You and your friends swap lady friends so much it's like that show Friends, but GAY!! I guess that would mean it's like the L Word, like when Shane started dating Jenny, so gross, amirite? But to keep myself sane I just pretend that season didn't happen.
8. Your girlfriend and you have a (or several) one-night-stand(s) in common
9. When I spoke of dating outside your circle of friends, you were confused and/or befuddled
10. Your current lady friend is also an ex lady friend

So ladies, while meeting special lady friends through other friends is a good thing, sometimes you need to make new lady friends, you know, just to keep things interesting and the gene pool viable. Give it a try sometime, you may like it.

When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again.

My lady-lovin' co-blogger has some excellent tips on how to break up. This should be super useful for those of you who are feeling a little Shane today.

But what do you do if YOU are the one being broken up with? If you are the lesbo who thought that everything was perfect and maybe you were moving in together in six months, and then, one night, as you're holding her tenderly, your ladyfriend tells you that she thinks she's still in love with her ex-girlfriend and maybe you should take some time apart slash break up forever? If this has happened to you, and it definitely hasn't happened to me or anything, it may be difficult to think clearly while you are curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, or silently crying next to your coldhearted lover in bed while she sleeps the sleep of the ruthless and morally vacant.

But think clearly you must! It is super easy to make mistakes and do things you will regret in an effort to resuscitate your relationship, which at this point is kind of like a goldfish floating miserably at the top of the bowl. Should you just flush this goldfish down the toilet and move on with your life? Absolutely. But just as it is hard to let go of that fish you won at the church bazaar when you were twelve, it is impossible to revive a relationship that is dead in the water. (See what I did there? Yeah, it's no big deal).

Here's what you need to do: first, determine that the relationship is actually over. Consider the following. Does your girlfriend have an identical, possibly evil twin with a vested interest in breaking the two of you up? Is it April Fool's Day and does your girlfriend enjoy devastating practical jokes? Has she been abducted by aliens, replaced by a pod person, or are one or both of you eighteen years old? If one of the above statements is true, you might be able to salvage your relationship. This doesn't mean you should, just that you can.

Otherwise, it's probably over. Even if your ex-girlfriend calls you an hour, a week, a month, or a year later, and tells you she's made a horrible mistake and wants to try again, it's over. It is okay to make mistakes (as Miley Cyrus says, everybody makes mistakes, after all), but she made a mistake with your feelings. If she broke up with you, you have to assume that she thought about it before she did it. And if tries to get back together with you immediately, she either didn't think about it carefully or she's an asshole. You don't want to be in a relationship with either of those ladies.

But Indigo Labrys! What if it's a few years later and we've remained friends and we're both really different people now? (i.e., not in high school anymore slash actual adults who have emotionally matured).

... IT'S STILL OVER. The things that were an issue when you broke up (her parents, her brief infidelity, her kitty horde) may not be an issue now. Her parents have mellowed out, you don't even know that hipster anymore, and all those cats are dead and have not been replaced. Well, good. But unless you can forgive her for all the crazy shit that happened in your relationship / break-up / attempt to remain friends after, it's never going to work out. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there are so many hot ladies in the world. Like, so many. Just go google "hot ladies" (with SafeSearch on, obv). There are lots of cute girls you can date / sex up / forge a soulbond with who haven't tried breaking your heart into a million tiny sad pieces.

So now that it's over, what do you do? You can return to my co-blogger Allure's post for some helpful hints; many of them apply to you, the dumped, as well as that hater who dumped you. Get off Facebook! Put her pictures, poetry, and locks of her hair in a special box that you hide somewhere. You don't need to throw them out yet. (Unlike Allure, I firmly believe in keeping these around, because nothing strengthens a relationship like the insecurity your new lover will experience when she finds a stash or twelve of old love letters).

But most importantly of all, as the dumped, STOP TAKING HER CALLS. Establish boundaries; tell her you're going to take some time and want to start meeting new people / getting over her / getting your shit together / whatever. Even if you are just going to sit in your room and play sad overwrought Sarah McLachlan songs, tell her you need some space. It will be hard because you never wanted to break up in the first place, and you miss hearing her voice and stuff. And she'll probably try calling you because she feels guilty / wants to stay friends / misses having your love, support, and awesome ladycuddles in her life / is an emotionally manipulative asshat. So there's definite temptation to stay in contact - and surely, if she sees how much you love her, she'll maybe want to come back, right?

(If this is what you think, please remind yourself that it's already over. Get a tattoo if it helps. Put it next to that one you got on your three month anniversary with her. You know the one.)

Because I am a teacher and like clear statements, here's my basic argument in conclusion:

(1) It's over.
(2) It's still over.
(3) No, you shouldn't get back together.
(4) But you should stop talking to her.